EP31: What If I don’t like the New Version?

Today, I share my process of letting the old version of myself express her anger and rage. The breaking of a pattern: clinging to worst-case scenarios, and what happens when you say yes to this path.

Follow me on Substack:

https://substack.com/@hannahmaesnyder

SUPPORT THE PODCAST: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=BCLJEUKB249QJ

Transcript

0:00

I was reflecting on my decision to go down this path of. really uncovering all my limitations and really going deep within myself and not looking outside for things and the choice to gain weight and do the right thing for my body and let go of that voice in my head telling me that my importance was related to how I looked. So what was that like? what was that turning point. Hello, my beautiful friends. Welcome back to The Fluidity Podcast. I have some fun news to share. Before we get into the podcast. I did a podcast interview with Lily. she is the host of the Home to Self podcast. I did that on Friday, and that was the first time I've been on someone else's podcast. I absolutely loved it and Lily was the perfect first. Host to host me. She asked amazing questions and honestly didn't even feel like I was on a podcast. Felt like we were just two friends hanging out, and the conversation was very organic and I loved it. I am having Lily on my podcast come not this Friday, next Friday, and obviously that'll probably be released. The week after, so look out for that. I'm super excited because, my intention for this podcast was to do solo podcasts and. Podcast with guests. So I wanted it to be, a hybrid, if you will. And so I've had, I think two people on the podcast before, but there were far and few between. So I'm hoping to get more people on the podcast and go on more podcasts'cause I absolutely love it. I mean, you guys know me, I like to talk. So anyway, without further ado, let's get into podcast episode 31. I don't really know the title for this yet, but what I want it to revolve around is this question that I, or this fear that I had come up, yesterday, and it was very present yesterday, which was what if I don't like the new version of me and what do I mean by that? Lemme just give you guys the rundown of where this came from. I also wrote a Substack article on this. If you don't follow me on Substack or don't subscribe, please do so. I'll put it in the show notes. I get very juicy and raw in there as I do in the podcast, but it's just a little bit of a different vibe I feel. So I went to the doctor's office yesterday and you know, when you go to the doctor's office, They make you get on the scale and they weigh you. Now, I haven't weighed myself since I, I don't even remember the last time I weighed myself, but I haven't intentionally weighed myself, since I started getting weight. If you had followed my story, you will know this, but let's give a quick recap. I was really into fitness. I left fitness because I developed hypothalmic and amenorrhea, which is where you, don't have a period. And so take my period back and like get my body healthy. I had to eat more. Exercise less or none at all for a while. And so obviously I had to gain weight to be able to get my period back. it's been nine months since I started doing that. I had to get my period back, a while ago. It was actually three months after I started that protocol that I got it back. so obviously I can tell in the mirror that I've gained weight. It's been very prevalent to me and. When I went to the doctor's office and I got weighed, that was the first time, like I saw the number on the screen and it like, oh, it was not a fun moment. And it was actually about the same weight that I was when I first started, like my fitness journey. And that was the weight that I could not bear to have, like I could not bear to be that weight so to see that number back on the scale was very disheartening, to say the least. And I think there is a part of me that is so angry with everything that happened. You know, I spent four, four to five years working my ass off, getting the body. I put that in quotation marks. Thought I was gonna be a fitness influencer or like own a gym or, you know, I was doing the whole personal training thing and I spent, yeah, four to five years doing that. Like, didn't hang out with friends, didn't have fun, didn't really enjoy my life because I was consumed by the fact that I thought that the only way to get what I wanted and to be happy was to the body to have, you know, X amount of followers and B, a fitness influencer and. Really the body was at the core of it because when I started this journey five years ago with fitness, I mostly, if I'm honest, the biggest motivator was because I wanted to feel like confident in myself. I wanted to feel hot. I was always a smaller, Size in high school and everything, but once I hit, 22, 23 and like obviously the drinking and the going out and the not taking care of myself caught up with me. And so I was really disgusted with myself. And so that's where it started. And it definitely started with self hatred and, you know, I just slapped on a healthy sticker on my forehead I believed the lie that it was all for my health, but it was really, to get my body to look away. I thought it needed to be, to be important to be X, Y, Z. So anyway, seeing that number yesterday, I felt so many emotions, especially ones like rage and anger like that. I wasted these four or five years of doing all these things just to have my body go back to the exact number I started and I just felt like. What the fuck were those four to five years for? Like I was, I thought I was going towards something, but it was really something that was not in my best Interest. So yeah, I had a lot of emotions come up yesterday and I think. I haven't let that part of myself be angry and really grieve that part of myself. And what I realized after writing this substack was like, the main fear is like, what if I'm not important? Because I related my body image with my importance. And so I'm like, what if people treat me differently? What if I'm not this important person anymore? And obviously on a conscious level, like I know. Like our worth is inherent, but there's this part of me, there's this part of us, a lot of us that just feels so tied to this external measurement of success or importance. So I just really let that part of myself speak and that's where I revealed like my, my importance. I was relating my importance to my body image and. Then it's gotten to the whole topic of like, what if I don't like the new version of me? Because obviously I'm at, I'm at this big turning point in my life where I am letting go, letting go of the old identity completely. But there comes fear with that. The fear that, you know, what if I don't like this new version? And the only reason why that fear comes up is because the new version is. Uncertain. You know, there's unknown. I don't know what's coming. all I can do is be ready for the ride, basically. And there's another thing that I wanted to bring up on this because I found it very interesting. I was reflecting on my decision to go down this path of. really uncovering all my limitations and really going deep within myself and not looking outside for things and the choice to gain weight and do the right thing for my body and let go of that voice in my head telling me that my importance was related to how I looked. So what was that like? what was that turning point. And I realized that like, once you say yes to this path. You agree to let life carry you the divine. this intelligent energy almost moves you. It feels like it's driving you. Like when I think about, my decision to get my period back and all these things, it almost felt like I didn't have a choice. I know that sounds like, that doesn't sound fun, but it almost was like the best thing possible because there was no. Decision. It was the only choice, like it was the only choice. Gaining weight and recovering didn't feel like a choice that I had to make. It was like, no, this is the only way. And I think when you say yes to this path, that often happens, like we just feel this energy flowing and moving us And the reason why it didn't feel like there was a choice or that it was the only choice was because like, I think that's what it feels like when we let life carry us, when we know that's the hardest choice, but we know that's the only choice to make. the farther you get on this spiritual journey and this spiritual path and this commitment to yourself and truth. there's literally no turning back. And I know that may sound a little scary to some people, but it's very liberating to me because once you say yes, there's no turning back. I've heard people say this all the time when I first started my spiritual journey and I didn't really understand it, but now I understand it. It's like you say yes to this, to the divine, to the life force to like to carry you. And once you do that. These choices. They don't, they're not really a choice. It's like, no, I, this is what I'm doing. Like this is the right next step. And so that's why I really trust where I'm at right now but that does not mean that there are not parts of me that come up fighting and screaming. Like this part that came up yesterday that's just angry about the whole situation. Like it's just angry that I gained weight. It's angry that I wasted time, and I'm not gonna push that away. I'm not gonna say it's wrong. I'm not gonna say, you know, that's not. Spiritual to think that way because that is the pattern we're all trying to break away from, which is pushing parts of us further away. So instead, I'm bringing it in and understanding that it has a right to be mad. It has a right to be angry. Like I'm not denying that there is validity there. Like it is, but I'm not letting it take over my whole energy field. And I think when you say yes to this pathic it, don't be afraid of it because it won't take over you because there's something, there's something bigger than you.'cause it is you. But like the divine is you, right? And it's, and once you say yes, you're letting it move you and you're letting go of the resistance. So when you let go of resistance, like it's just fluid. It's just fluidity, you know, wink, wink. And I've been really feeling this lately, and it's very liberating to know you are held and once you start to realize that the pressure comes off. This doesn't mean that I don't have very strong emotions and anger and. resentment towards the weight that I've gained. Now, I'm working with it and I'm learning about it, and I'm giving it space to breathe. I'm not pushing it away, but I think the resistance makes it so much harder. And once you let go of that, like once I've let go of, Fighting what I'm going through has been a life changer now I wanna go back into. What if we don't like the new version? And this is the part of me that came up yesterday. Like it's, it's missing the old body, right? It's like, am I ever gonna like this new body? Am I ever gonna feel quote unquote like myself, So I was watching. Show on Hulu. I think I mentioned this, I think I mentioned this show on here before. Um, there was a new season that I had no idea about and I was really excited. So I binged it the other day and there's an episode or a couple episodes of one of the main characters, Jane, she got a double mastectomy and so they had to give her implants, right? And they were a size bigger than what her normal breasts were, and she was having a really hard time. Adjusting to her new boobs. Like she kept saying, I don't feel like myself. And she just had a really hard time with it. Like, she just really didn't like the heavier chest, like she felt people were looking at her and she just felt uncomfortable in her skin. I got very annoyed while watching this because one, when she said, I just don't feel like myself, in my head I'm like, of course you don't feel like yourself, Jane, like. You are a new version of yourself. You're the old version, wants to hold, wants to keep you back, and the new version is trying to propel you forward. And so of course you don't feel like your old self because you're not. And I was also annoyed because she looked amazing, like on the outside for me looking. And again, it's a TV show, but she looked great. Like I'm like, embrace those tatas, like they look amazing. Embrace those bigger boobs like. Probably no one even, you know, no one even bats an eye. Like you're still the same essence. And then I realized that this whole situation was, triggering me a little bit because it was a reflection of me and what I'm going through, which is I am holding on to the old self and not fully trusting in the. New version of me that's becoming, and so I think this is a pivotal point in our journey when you're like completely letting go of the old identity. I think. The process takes a little bit, especially like there's an in-between point. but when you get towards the end when you're really like completing the cycle and you're letting go of the old self and you're walking into the new version, there is that point where all the fears of the old self are coming on hot and they are loud and there's a reason for that.'cause they're trying to hold on'cause they know. They're about to be let go of. And so instead of fighting that process, I've been trying to embrace it and really be aware and, you know, just, it's a practice. It's, it's not easy. But yesterday when I was realizing that, like about the weight. I just realized I haven't let myself get angry about it. I haven't let that part of myself be mad. And so now I'm giving it the space to, and once I do that, I feel like it's just falling away faster and faster. You know, because I am trusting that this new version's gonna be 10 times better, not better, but just more than I can ever expect. Um, and this also made me realize that I have a pattern. You may. Relate because human psyches seem to believe that this pattern will keep us safe. And it is to think of the worst possible outcomes. So like I said, the new version of us is somewhat unknown, very uncertain, right? Because we're moving out of the things we know, the thought patterns, the way we look, the way we dress, the way we relate to ourselves, and the new version. We have no idea what that's gonna look like. So our mind goes to the worst possible outcome when we think of this new version. And that's why we don't like the unknown. Not because the unknown is scary, but because the stories our mind makes up are scary, and we believe them. Like Peter Crohn's says, most things are ego threatening, not life threatening. So the way we relate to the unknown is what gets to be transformed. Transformed into seeing the unknown as limitless possibilities that are always in our highest alignment, because that is the truth. So there is another thing that I wanted to speak on. Oh, sorry. I'm like going all over the place and like going back to certain topics, but, so if you remember a couple minutes ago when I was talking about how life carries you and how you just. You start realizing you're doing things and like not really knowing why. And I've started to notice this in myself and it doesn't feel like it's forcing. It feels like very organic and natural, which I believe that's what the divine, when you let your true self, your core self lead, that's what it feels like. It feels like flow. It feels like butter fluidity y'all. Anyway, so this has to go with my appearance. Obviously, like I said, I gained weight and, you know, let my body really embrace its curviness. In doing that, I have also really stopped, putting on a lot of makeup, dyeing my hair, like all the things I was doing to make myself look the way I thought I should look. And I don't think that's any coincidence. Like it's not like I decided one day. That I was gonna quit all this. It just like doesn't feel like the new version I'm walking into and maybe that might come back, but I think right now it's just like getting used to my natural beauty, which I've said before, and really being confident in that. And I find it so interesting because again, it feels like this force like moving me into this, it's not like I made the choice. It's just like what's naturally happening. And so it's like really cool to step back and like watch the divine move through you and watch it. Carry you. And yes, it can be scary because honestly when I was confronted with having hypothalmic amenorrhea and like the protocol to like gain weight and everything. I remember knowing, knowing that this is the next best step. I didn't know why, but I knew it was gonna be huge for me and like this whole. New era that I'm walking into, everything I'm doing now, like I just got A-L-L-C-A, Hannah May, Snyder, LLC, I just got my EIN number. Like I, I'm getting my, my business bank accounts, like everything's set up and it's not like I'm feeling like I need to do it, like I need to do this X, Y, and Z because if I don't, you know that voice that feed your voice is like, you gotta do this, you gotta do this, you gotta do this. It's not there. It's, I'm letting life carry me I like, love this. Right now I've, I am just now realizing how much, or like what the difference is between the fear voice and the part, or not the part, but the core self. When the core self is moving you, when, when the divine is moving you, when life is carrying you, it doesn't feel. Like an obligation. It's just like, this is the next best step. And sometimes when you're doing things like, the next best step feels very natural. But when you're in the 3D trying to do it, there can be some anxiety coming up. That doesn't mean that. It's not the right next best step, it just means that there's some anxiety around it, which is a hundred percent okay. We're human, but you can feel this essence of truth running through what you're doing. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but if you've had it before and you know what I'm talking about, reach out to me. I'd love to hear your explanation of it, because right now, I feel like I'm fucking up a little bit, but it's all right. The next thing I wanna talk about is I wanna hone in a little bit more on why our psyche goes. Right to the worst possible outcomes and why sometimes we get stuck in that pattern. This is something I have revealed about myself, my own psyche. but I think it's helpful just to have, you know, other people's experiences. You may, you may relate a little bit to this, but I realize that there's a part of me that doesn't like to get her hopes up. I remember when I was younger. There was multiple people in my life that told me, don't get your hopes up. Don't get your hopes up. Like it was bad to get your hopes up because if you would get your hopes up, then you were the reason why it didn't happen, because hoping was bad. that was a limiting story, limiting belief that hoping for things was bad, like you shouldn't do it. And so what this part of myself is doing. To protect me is clinging to the worst possible outcomes because if it thinks about the worst possible outcome, then it doesn't fail, right? Because if I get my hopes up and the thing doesn't happen or it goes terribly or whatever, then I feel like a failure. Right. And I feel like it was my fault because I got my hopes up I've been doing parts work with my therapist and this is something revealed that the part of me that doesn't wanna believe that good things are happening is the same part. So why is this detrimental? Because when you're in the worst case scenario, you're. Literally causing stress in your system because you're constantly thinking of things going wrong and instead of knowing that thing, like why everything is happening for us, so why not lean into that? It's all energy. So when we're leaning into the energy of nothing good happens to me, guess what energy we're in. That's stressful. That's, you know, and not that there isn't growth to be had in that space. I think everyone. Has places where stress, as meant as show them something about themselves. But it's not somewhere where we're supposed to live all day every day. And I've noticed this about myself, that I, that there's a part of me that will not let me get excited or relaxed about anything. You know, when you know things are happening for you and when you know that everything is happening for. Your highest and best. You're relaxed, right? You're excited. And I have been so scared of letting myself be in that energy because of this part that's scared that it's, it means I'm getting my hopes up. And if I get my hopes up, then it's just, that's not gonna happen. And it's so crazy to think of these stories.'cause once you unravel them, you're like, that's why. And. So I don't know if any of you guys relate to that, but our mind thinks that, that if we get our hopes up and we're let down, that it'll hurt 10 times more. And I know consciously this sounds crazy, but when you really dig in there and you really like get to These soft spots and these fears, they are not logical because they were created when you were younger, when you didn't know better. And so when I was younger, I'll just tell you a story of what I remember. I told my therapist this and I thought it was so interesting. I was with one of my friends, we were at her house and. I was a kid that had passion for everything. If I was excited about something, I had the most passion. Passion, like 10 outta 10. And I remember my friend telling me that we might be going out to dinner or doing something really, really fun that I was excited about. And she knew that I would, you know, get really excited. And she would call that getting my hopes up. And so she told me, Hena. Don't get your hopes up, like,'cause if, like, it just makes it worse when you get your hopes up. That's basically what she said. And so I almost felt like I was doing something wrong. Like I like getting excited was bad. Like it was like not right. And that's not the only person that told me this, you know, family. Even my parents, I would get really excited about things and they would say, don't get your hopes up. And it was like this frowned upon thing of like being excited and being excited for life of what's to come. It's like this underlying energy of I think this runs deep in our collective consciousness of like, don't let yourself relax and see the possibility. Like why, why are we taught that? I'm so, it's like so crazy. Anyway. That is, that is what's been going on with Hannah Ma. I don't know why I keep calling myself Hannah Ma, but I, I kind of like it. Hannah Ma, as like a, as like a full first name. H May is my middle name and I have never introduced myself as Hannah Ma, but I just started doing it on this podcast and I kind of vibe with it, so we're gonna go with it. All right. My beautiful friends. Oh, before I go, I am. Co-hosting a retreat with my dear friend Claire this weekend. I'm so excited to tell you guys all about it. I'm honestly kind of nervous because I have never actually even been to a retreat and I'm helping, facilitate and hold space. So it's a huge thing and I'm so grateful for my friend for inviting me to do this with her. Anyway, I just wanna give you guys that little update and. Please subscribe. If you like this episode, if you relate to anything I said, please reach out to me. It means so much to me to know who's listening and you know who my people are, Have a beautiful day. I will see you soon.