Dealing with GRIEF During The Holidays?

How do you embrace the holidays when grief feels overwhelming?

Emily opens up about navigating the holiday season while processing the loss of her late husband, Colby.

She reflects on the origins of You Are More, her journey from shutting out Christmas to finding ways to celebrate again, and the powerful role of compassion and kindness during this time of year.

With touching stories, personal traditions, and empathetic advice, Emily offers hope and encouragement to anyone struggling through the season.

Listen For:
01:09 – The Backstory: "How You Are More" Began
09:34 – Grief Triggers
13:24 – Advice for Supporting Those Grieving During the Holidays
16:04 – A Reading from Emily's Book

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Contact Emily:
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Transcript

Emily Cave Boit (00:00):

Hey guys. Welcome back to the You Are More Podcast with Emily Cave Boit this one's kind of a special episode. It is just me on the episode. I wanted to do this for a few reasons. I know that the holiday time can be so chaotic and busy, but I just wanted to take some time to have an episode just to share a little bit. I know people have all different types of pains and emotions during the holidays, whether that is grief or loneliness or any other type of struggle. So I just wanted this episode to be encouraging to those that may be struggling during the holiday season. So here we go. Like I said, it's just me, but I'm going to try and make this good for you guys. So first of all, I just want to thank every single person that has commented or sent reviews or liked or shared my podcast. It honestly means so much.

(01:09):

I've never had the opportunity to kind of talk to you guys about your more and why I started to do this. So actually you are more began a long time ago, like 10 years ago, I had a website called You Are More and a Clothing Line, and I wanted to give people around the world the opportunity to submit their stories and share their stories online and give them a voice, whether that was with mental health struggles or other illnesses that they were experiencing. I just felt even back then that it was really important to give people a voice because it's powerful when you feel seen and the lives that you can help and inspire others just by sharing your story, whether that's online or to a coworker or to a family member or a friend. The power of being vulnerable and sharing your stories to remind others that they're not alone is really important and that you're not alone too.

(02:10):

So you R More actually started way back then and I have this letter from KB and during that time he had nominated me for an award in Canada. In the letter, I'm not going to read the whole letter to you guys all for the award nomination handed it. With this meeting, Emily has been one of the best things to happen in my life. She continues to impress me on the amount of people she affects positively every single day. I now take a completely new approach to every single day starting off with one of my favorite quotes that Emily lives. By treat everybody like a somebody, her continued contribution to society, you are more and sheer sincerity is something that has not only changed my life positively, but lives all around the world. She's a leader, she's determined, she's the most caring person I know, and that's why I believe Emily deserves this prestigious award.

(03:04):

I'm not sharing that to boast, I didn't receive the award, that's not that, but I'm sharing that because Colb was the biggest. You are more fan. And after he passed away, I shut down you or more. I just couldn't do it. So when I thought about doing the podcast and bringing you or more back, I knew that's what he would want. He called me his little world changer. As I've said multiple times on my arm, I have a tattoo that says you are more. And actually right below it, I have Colby's handwriting from his vows saying, I love you with all my heart. M Colby's most worn clothing item was his. You are more sweater. So you are more has always been special and I feel like will continue to be special just in a different way. So that's kind of a summary backstory, why I'm doing you or more how you are more started.

(03:59):

Obviously going from a website to a podcast is a little bit different. But yeah, I just wanted to share that because that's the reason why I'm here talking on this episode. But my main thing that I wanted to get through today's episode was just speaking encouragement into everyone going into this holiday season. The holidays can be such a difficult time to so many for multiple different reasons, whether that is grief, illnesses going on in the family, financial struggles, I just wanted to be able to hopefully encourage others during this time. Speaking from experience, my first Christmas without Colby and his birthday's the day after. So I feel like I get a double whammy was one of the hardest times in my grief journey. Colby and I had a tradition and I shared this tradition when he passed away. And it's so amazing because five Christmases later, so many of you have adopted our tradition and will tag me on social media or send me a message saying that you have adopted this tradition and I find that so special.

(05:30):

So me and Colby had a tradition that when we were setting up our Christmas tree for every ornament we put on the tree, we would tell each other what we loved about each other or what we appreciated about each other. By the end, our tree was full of ornaments and we also were just speaking love and compassion back into each other's lives. And I think that's so important during the holiday season is just to have extra compassion and extra love. So I love hearing when people have adopted that tradition, whether it's with their partner or their children. It's so special. I feel like you're helping continue on Colby's legacy, so thank you for that. But my first Christmas without Colby, I didn't celebrate. I didn't set up a Christmas tree. I didn't want Christmas gifts. I didn't want Christmas dinner. I told myself I would never, ever, ever, ever celebrate Christmas again, which to well now here five Christmases later, I'm happy to announce that that has changed.

(06:34):

But I don't want to take away from the emotions and validating people that just don't want to celebrate Christmas right now. And that is okay. It is okay to feel frustrated and sad during the holidays and not want to celebrate them at all. And that was me my first Christmas and the next day I remember it was Colby's birthday and it was during Covid, so some of his teammates and two of my best friends had arranged for, I was right by Roger's rink where the Oilers play and they told me to come out on my balcony of my apartment building and I looked down and in the main kind of parking lot area now there was some of his teammates and two of my best friends singing me happy, well, not me, sorry, singing to me, but singing Happy Birthday to Colby. And they released 26 balloons.

(07:32):

It was his 26th birthday in honor of him, and it was such a way to show up during that time when I was at my lowest. I didn't want to find any joy in the holidays. So I just wanted to share that because I think it's important that you know that it's okay not to feel super excited to celebrate holidays. And actually recently I had made an Instagram post and I was talking about this and I was talking about how my first Christmas with Kolby as a married couple was my only Christmas with Kolby and just talking about PTSD, this is my first Christmas with Colin as a married couple and the PTSD that comes with, I only got one Christmas as a married couple with Kolby, and is that going to happen with Colin? At one point in time that was so debilitating to me and now I am learning to look at that in a different way and I'm going to talk about that a little bit later in this episode.

(08:38):

But this past week, me and Colin were watching an episode of House, honestly, probably a trigger shooting show for me to watch, but sometimes I can handle it. And I feel like sometimes watching medical shows weirdly bring me comfort because obviously I wasn't there when Colby died and I kind of like to watch even though it's the Hollywood version of what could have been going down at that moment. But we are watching this episode and it was probably one of the worst episodes I could watch leading up to Christmas because anyone that has lost someone already feels extra heavy during Christmas. No matter what you do, no matter how many years have passed, you just feel heavy. And we were watching this episode and one of the spouses dying and other spouses offering to die to give the dying spouse their organs. And another part of that episode, one of the friends tragically and suddenly passed away.

(09:34):

And for those of you that don't know, I am pretty quiet about it in some ways, but I lost my college best friend less than a year after Colby died. So it was two pretty traumatic deaths for me, less than a year apart. Colby died April, 2020. Lisa died February, 2021, and in this episode the friend dies too. And I was just sitting there and I was sobbing and I was so triggered and I ended up being able to finish the episode, but the next day I woke up and I just felt extra heavy. I was already heavy. I feel like December is a heavy month for me with memories of Christmas and Kolby. And his first NHL goal was in December. His first NHL game was in December, Christmas, his birthday, new Year's, December and April are just not fun months for Emily. And the next day I woke up and I was out and about and I saw this family while grocery shopping and I had made the decision to try and help them out.

(10:48):

And I texted Colin at work being like, don't be mad at me, but I just did this. And although I did this gesture for strangers, it didn't take away my pain or grief, but it did bring me joy in trying to help someone else. And in this Instagram post I talk about how just during the holidays you literally don't know what anyone else is going through and it's so amplified 365 days a year, you don't know what anyone is going through, so just be kind. But at the holidays, everything is just so amplified and such a highlight reel. So I wanted it to be two reminders to my Instagram for followers. I wanted the first reminder to be, this may be your last Christmas with a loved one. You just don't know it yet until it's too late. And I wasn't saying it in a morbid way or to scare people.

(11:49):

I was saying it in a way to actually do the opposite and inspire this holiday to just remember to show love and compassion and acceptance and forgiveness and even weirdly hope. That was my first reminder in this Instagram post. And then in the second Instagram post, just to be kind to strangers. I know I say it all the time, or homeless people or families you may see or the person in the line behind you at the mall as you're trying to fight for a toy or the line's so big or the person that cuts you off in traffic, your neighbors, your coworkers, anyone and everyone. The holidays, like I am saying, they bring a lot of emotions to many people and a lot of people are doing everything in their power to mask those emotions. And if someone's not wanting to celebrate or be in the happiest mood, there probably is a really good reason for that.

(12:38):

So just hold space for people. I think that's really important and I think that's one of the questions that a lot of people ask me, especially during the holidays, is what can I do for family or friends that are grieving or just lost someone? And unfortunately no gift that you buy and put under the tree is going to help them feel better. I wish there was, there's not much you can say or do, but you can show up. And I think that's what happened that first Christmas without Colby and his first birthday. People showed up and they checked in and they were holding space for me. And I think one of the best things too, in saying that is something me and my family have kind of learned and still to this day, they do it. They always ask me, what do you want to do on these days?

(13:24):

And sometimes I don't decide to the day of because I don't know what I'm going to feel like. I think it's really hard for people that are grieving or even just people that are struggling to feel obligated that they have to go and they have to do things even if it's going to upset them more. So for me, when people ask What can I do for people for the holidays? Just let them have space. And if that day comes and they want to celebrate, or if that day comes and they want to show up to Christmas dinner or they want to set up the Christmas tree or they want to bring gifts, then that's great, but if not, that's okay too. I think that is really, really important and to not take that personal, it's not, it probably most likely has nothing to do with you and they're not trying to be hurtful.

(14:07):

But please, yeah, please, please remember that if someone denies coming to Christmas dinner or whatever, that's best for them and don't turn around and make that about you because it's what they need at the time. I think that is something that if you know someone that's grieving or someone that's struggling, just keep that in the back of your mind. Or if you are struggling and grieving, don't obviously feel obligated as well. So I would say those are some of my holiday advices. I don't know if I'm doing this well. I feel like it's weird answering questions on a solo podcast. But yeah, just for anyone that's now comparing my first Christmas where I didn't want to celebrate at all to now I'm sitting here looking at my Christmas tree set up, living in California with Colin, obviously still having very, very big grief moments still because grief is going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life, the price for love.

(15:08):

But just walk with them at the level that they're ready to walk at. Love them at the level that they're ready to love at show compassion and just know it's nothing personal if someone's just struggling this season and meet them kind of where they are at in it. But like I said, I didn't want to talk too long on this episode. I just wanted to kind of come on. But when I was thinking how I wanted to end this and what I wanted to do for this episode because it's my first solo episode ever, I was kind of thinking, and I want to read you guys, which I've never done before, the last two pages of my book because as I was reading it, I just felt like it really sits well with the holiday season and I hope it provides encouragement to someone that is struggling.

(16:04):

Obviously in these two pages, I talk a lot about widows and I address widows, but plop in whatever you need, whether you're a widow or not a widow, or you've lost a parent or a child. I'm just trying to put into perspective any type of struggle right now. So I'm going to read this to you guys and it says, well, I start it with two Corinthians four 18, joy and grief can coexist. I can be hopeful about the future and also feel sad about the past. I can be happy and things still feel heavy. Life isn't one or the other. The presence of both signifies a full life. As I said at the beginning of this book, I will never understand why I had to lose col. I look forward to the day when I get to heaven and my life journey is explained to me.

(17:00):

I wanted to make sure I address my fellow widows. As this book comes to the end, one of the most common questions since losing col is how this has impacted my faith or the way that I look at grief. Now what I have learned is that life will never be the same after experiencing a loss like this. There is such a stigma in today's society about grief. I had no idea. Part of my life's work would be trying to normalize grief for others who are struggling. However, I was left with this platform and I have to use it. I have to trust that I'm strong enough to handle the pain that is necessary to process the normalizing of grief for others. There is the me that is an agony and afraid. Then there is the curious one and that peace. The second me remembers that even though I can't know what will come next in my life, I know what matters.

(17:57):

I'll continue to remind others of this. I hope this book did the same in helping normalize your waves that come with grief or this episode. Here's the thing, I will always talk about cold, not because I want to live in constant pain, but because this is my new world. I'd rather live honestly and out loud. Joy, love, happiness, and gratefulness are part of my everyday life. But so is death loss, heartache and grief. I get giddy and excited about seeing col in heaven, but until then, I want to make him so proud down here. So I try and soak up every moment and I try as hard as I can to spread every ounce of love I have to give. So on that day when I get to see him in heaven, I can run into his arms and tell him everything I was able to do, not for me, but because of him.

(18:49):

You see, God doesn't necessarily take our broken pieces and put them all back together. Sometimes he adds in new ones. He helps us to rebuild while rebuilding us in the process. But that does not take away the past. I have learned my grief that no matter how painful, ugly, and broken I feel my life can still be beautiful and full of love. I've learned I can be hopeful for the future and even excited about it. There is new life on the other side of the unexpected, a life you never imagined. I feel like a hypocrite for saying this because I know how hard it was for me to hear and see this during my really hard moments like the holidays. But I promise you, I see your pain because I have touched Charl like you have, and the intensity will not last forever. I know you never wanted to be a part of this club.

(19:42):

I never imagined I'd be a widow at the age of 26, but for whatever reason I became one. And because of that, I see widows in a whole new light. I have felt the way that society lacks understanding of grief and how damaging it can be. We all know death and loss are a part of life, but until you're in it, you have no idea of the expectations and judgment that can come from others while grieving. I'm just here to tell you, there is no blueprint for grief. There is no timeline because the truth is you'll forever grieve the person you love. It's the price for loving a day will come. It may be sooner than you think or it may be far away and you may not be able to pinpoint the exact moment, but you will realize that you were not made to suffer your whole life.

(20:30):

This is not why you are here. You were made for more. There is still light inside of you even when it feels completely extinguished. I see you. I see your pain. I understand this club that no one of us was asked to join. I can't teach you how to heal. I wish I could, but my hope is my story will show you. There are other people who have experienced the kind of pain you're experiencing. Other people are walking beside you and holding space for you in their hearts. My hope for you is one day you too will be able to look back and inspire others who are walking behind you on a similar broken but beautiful journey. But until then, heaven is cheering you on and so am I and Chester too. That's how I ended my book and that's kind of how I want to end this episode is just knowing that there are other people with whatever you may be going through that are holding space for you in their hearts.

(21:41):

Even when you feel alone in the most highlighted season at times on social media, that you're not alone and that you are more so if no one tells you today or this week, happy holidays, even if they do not feel happy. So if they don't feel happy, crappy holidays and that I am thinking of everyone listening to this episode who is just struggling this holiday season and that's okay. But I want to remind you that you are more and I will talk to you guys in the new year sending you all my love. Chester is too. But yeah, just thinking of you guys all on holding space for you.