Through a Parent’s Eyes: Grieving Colby, Loving Emily

What happens when parents grieve not only the loss of a son-in-law, but also the heartbreak of watching their daughter’s world shatter? 

Emily sits down with her mom and dad—Terry and Gary—for an intimate, multi-layered conversation marking five years since the loss of her husband, Colby Cave. 

With a mix of childhood stories, cherished Colby memories, and raw reflections on navigating tragedy during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, this episode offers a rare look at grief through the eyes of parents.

From hilarious tales of toddler Emily wallpapering her own room to the harrowing moments surrounding Colby’s hospitalization, they share how love, legacy, and faith have carried their family through unspeakable loss.

Listen For:

8:00 – The Girl with the Water Bottles in the Desert

15:00 – First NHL Assist & Boston Memories

20:00 – April 2020: A Week That Changed Everything

47:20 – Two-Fold Grief: A Mother’s Insight

1:00:30 – Colby’s Kids: Legacy on the Ice

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Guests: Terry and Gary Gill

Contact Emily:

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Transcript

Emily Cave Boit (00:00:00):

Hey everyone. Welcome back to episode 13 of You Are More with Emily Cave Boit. I am so, so excited for today's guests. So many of you have asked to have them on the podcast. So my mom and dad are here to talk about their experience the last five years watching me go through my journey as well as a little bit about their journey and a little bit about what I was like as a young kid. So honestly, I wouldn't be here on this podcast or even here today, especially Chester two without them and their love and support the past few years. So excited for you guys to meet them and hear them share their stories. Super excited to have you guys on the podcast. A lot of people were asking for you to be on the podcast and just get a little bit more about M that's not media m slash also your guys' journey the past five and a half years as well because obviously it's been very impactful on you guys and also my journey and Chester's journey as he is looking out the window. He'll join us at some point in time, but

Terry Gill (00:01:35):

Hi Chester

Emily Cave Boit (00:01:38):

He was sitting up here for a bit, but now he's looking out the window protecting. But yeah, so a lot of people always wonder a little bit about M before April 7th, 2020. So what would be each of your guys' favorite stories about me either growing up or something that people wouldn't know about me?

Gary Gill (00:02:02):

Well, I always say about you is that if we were playing a game or some kind of contest or whatever, that you would just enjoy playing the game that you could purposely not win the game, which would then end playing, but you would continue on making a move or whatever type of game it was so that we would continue playing the game that was more important to you, was actually playing the game rather than winning.

(00:02:40):

So that's a really good quality to have that. It wasn't so much you wouldn't play to lose, but you would just enjoy what was more important to you would be to play the game. And then the other thing is just when you were learning how to downhill ski, you would just, we'd try and teach you go side by side and do pizza and so on, and we gave you lessons on how to ski, but you were more determined to get down the hill and you'd go straight down rather than kind go side by side or whatever. It was almost like a race.

Terry Gill (00:03:20):

Yeah, race and no fair, no fair, absolutely

Gary Gill (00:03:22):

No fear.

Emily Cave Boit (00:03:23):

Like to get it done.

Terry Gill (00:03:25):

I think for me, when I think of you and when you were younger, is that right? From a very, very young age, you showed character traits that has stayed with you throughout your life journey. And I think one was you were very determined and some might call it a little stubborn, but I'd say you were determined and I'd say that you were very loyal. You were loyal and you showed empathy even at a very young age. And I think one trait that I thought was kind of rare for a very young child is you are self-reliant. So if you decided you wanted something done, you're going to do it. So a couple of stories, I had to tell this when you were little and we had spent a fair amount of money wallpaper in your bedroom and it was in really pretty beat tricks, potter wallpaper and it looked lovely and I think you're very young and you decided at your young age that you were tired of that.

(00:04:27):

And so I came up to get you one day from your nap and you had the area that you could reach, you had removed all this expensive wallpaper. So then Gary and I decided, okay, we will paint your room and we'll get you a really bright red border and you wanted stars and we got you the matching comfort and all that. But because we were working, it took us a while to, we got the walls finally stripped and painted, but it took us a while to get everything done and you didn't need us to do it because we went up one day and the new vibe was with the borders at that time was you could remove the back and you could self stick the wallpaper right onto the wall. And so again, went into your room one day and Emily, Kate boy decided that it was time for her to have her new border up and you had stripped the back of all the border and had wallpapered your room. I remember it.

(00:05:30):

Yeah, it was a curve, but you were so proud of yourself. You did it, you didn't need anyone to do it. And that was it. I was like three, oh yeah, probably a bit younger than that. And there's this one story that's quite private, but I really do have to share it. You were determined, you did not like to have a seatbelt put on and you did not. And I mean you have changed. We want to make sure people know that you have changed, you've come a long way, but as a young little person, you did not like to wear underwear and you would not wear underwear and we would put underwear on you and you would go to church with us and you would cuddle up to me. You were quite a cuddly person when you were little. And I think, oh, it hurt a little cute hands in my pocket only to find out during church you were in Sunday school and I'd reach into my pocket for a Kleenex or something and I'd pull out your underwear.

(00:06:32):

And so when you start to go to a Christian private school, you were pretty young, a bit too young to go. I had to literally bribe the secretary to tell you that they had a secret scanner in the door when you entered the school. And the scanner would tell whether or not every student is wearing underwear under their uniform. And that was the only way we could keep underwear on you during school at a very, very young age. But you have changed. So just your determination and once you're going to the desert and you were really worried, yeah, you were really worried and that we're going to the desert, there might not be enough water. And we were running to get to the plane and your sister Kai was holding onto you and helping you. And then we turned around and I had bought you these backpacks that were way too big for you and you're a pretty tiny, and Gary and Kylie yelled mom and we turned around and you were flat on your back and she said she can't get up. And so I ran back and said, what's wrong? And when we stood you up and we looked in your backpack, you had filled up a bunch of water balls and your explanation was that you were worried for us. We were going to the desert and we may not have enough water. So as a young age, you worried, you thought ahead and you're pretty determined girl.

Emily Cave Boit (00:08:01):

I would definitely say Olivia reminds me a lot of me now Sydney definitely has the maybe thinking of the water, et cetera, but Olivia

(00:08:17):

Definitely, she's a mini Colleen birth a mini sister for me, but okay. So obviously this podcast is a lot about K and grief. So what would be, looking back from the moment you met Colby to even now in his legacy, I mean we're flying to Beco tomorrow, but what would be your guys' favorite memory? I feel like who would've known the little girl with the water bottles in the airport or the hiding the underwear in the church or all of that, the non-competitive one would marry a professional athlete that was very competitive but in a good way. So what would be your guys' favorite Colby memory?

Gary Gill (00:09:17):

Well, I think for me, obviously there's a lot, but you got us, all of us interested in country music and so we made a trip with Colby and yourself and a friend of mine, Peter to go to Nashville for the country music festival and that's like a full four day event where we're going to see some big headline events every night for four nights. And it was, it was a pretty amazing trip and so much fun and enjoying kind of relaxing the afternoon by the pool and having a few beers in the pool and

Emily Cave Boit (00:10:02):

Just buds

Gary Gill (00:10:05):

And enjoying that event. So that's a really good memory. I think for me, thinking back about that trip,

Emily Cave Boit (00:10:15):

I was just, well, Levi was on the podcast last week and we talked about how he quickly ran into Colby and got to meet Colby after his set on Broadway. So yeah, I feel like that trip, I mean it was so hot too. I remember it being scorching hot in Nashville in June, but yeah, that was a really cool trip. You had

Gary Gill (00:10:40):

Covered this. Yeah, I remember the friend that I took after the first night, he was thinking, oh, I don't know if I can do this for three more nights. So it was a pretty intense time, but it was so much fun and I'm glad we did that with Colby. We'll always remember that

Emily Cave Boit (00:10:57):

Trip. Yeah, that was an awesome trip. What about you mom?

Terry Gill (00:11:03):

I think like dad said, because of Kobe's personality and just the joy and living life to the fullest and wanting people that he met or he is with to feel loved and accepted and that they mattered, he really gave us a treasure box of great memories. Some of them little and some of them a lot bigger. But I think the one time I really think back a lot is Christmas 2017 when Kai and Dave came and you and Kobe came and we had planned painting events and we planned dance lessons, which Colby would not listen to because he had his own cave rhythm and we did pedicures and that. And I think even though the activities really meant a lot to me, I think the most beautiful memory I had was you wanted money for Christmas and your dad and I weren't just willing to give you an envelope of money or a card with money on it.

(00:12:10):

So we made it that everyone like Kai and Dave and Colby and us, we set tasks out for you to do to make money in US dollars going back to the states and that. So we said, so people had you do things like eat things you didn't like. It was just crazy in that. And Colby was so excited that you were the center of attention. He loved it. He was just the big smile on his face and the laughter and that. And then when one of the tasks was that you had to sit on his back and every pushup he did, you got one US dollar. And you could tell Colby was in a lot of pain after a while doing it, but he would not give up because he wanted you to get the most, he wanted the best for you, he wanted to do it for you and just his determination and it's a great symbol for me. He always carried you with such love. He always had you on his back and cared about you. And when he did, I forget how many it was, and we counted up the dollars, there was like 20, the big smile on his face and everything and that's a memory I hold because the love he constantly showed and for you it's just a beautiful memory.

Emily Cave Boit (00:13:42):

I think we are really fortunate. I know I talked about this in the book too, we were all really fortunate to, especially you guys being close and willing to jump on planes last minute experience, a lot of his hockey

(00:13:57):

Milestones. The first game obviously I went to, then you guys were there for his first assist. I think David Backus got the goal. Deb and Jack were there too. Winter classic. I think that's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I said to Ryan, do not always said he would give him a spot again. And finally Ryan got to be in a winter classic in January, Chicago and I texted him, I was like, you finally got your winter classic. But just because such a, you can't beat the Bruins family, the atmosphere, the Cassidy, the marshes and Berge, all of them are just, that team was, well I think Julie Cassidy said out of all the teams she's been on that year was the best group of girls and families out of their hockey careers that they had been on. We lucked out so much with that time in Boston. It was such an incredible group of people.

Gary Gill (00:15:04):

I remember when Kobe got his first assist and sometimes the timing wasn't the best for Colby, but he just went with it. He didn't get too hung up, but he got his assist. It was towards the end of the period and then they actually didn't announce the assist that he got into the intermission when everyone's sort of going out and getting a drink and whatever. And so it sort of got to miss that sort of announcement of Guinea's first assist in the game, but it never bothered him. He just persevered and kept

Terry Gill (00:15:42):

As he would say, it's no big deal, no big deal. And he didn't look for that gratification. He just did things for the joy of it and Boston and being there and that he opened up a whole new world for your dad and I and your sister and that we got to enter in an amazing world. Seeing the hockey family and their outpour of love and support and just the joy of celebrating and cheering each other on it was pretty remarkable.

Emily Cave Boit (00:16:21):

It's pretty incredible when you think about it. All the hockey players in the world or even all the athletes and then how many actually make it into the professional life and that we were able to experience that for when we did. I think it definitely makes the transition with his death out of it harder because it wasn't like he retired. It was like you were in it and then you were out in some ways. But yeah, Boston, I mean it's my favorite city and I know it's one of your guys' favorite cities now, but I do remember being on FaceTime with you guys. One when he got his first NHL goal and then two when dad refreshed Twitter and was like, I think you're moving to Edmonton. That's right. When we were on waivers and yeah, you refreshed Twitter at 12 and you're like, you're moving to Edmonton.

Terry Gill (00:17:20):

I remember what this first call Debbie and Jack were with us, Deb and Jack, and they were watching the hockey with us and we were cheering like crazy and FaceTiming you and we were hugging and we were crying and we just, wow. It was just a moment. Yeah, it just the moment that it was such a great memory and such a great moment in his hockey career.

Emily Cave Boit (00:17:48):

Is that goal, his last goal in Edmonton against Pittsburgh?

Terry Gill (00:17:52):

I think the one in Montreal was the

Emily Cave Boit (00:17:54):

One we were

Terry Gill (00:17:54):

Talking about.

Emily Cave Boit (00:17:56):

The first

Terry Gill (00:17:57):

One. The first one, yeah. So yeah, so much his life just brought such fullness into our lives for sure. Yeah, I

Emily Cave Boit (00:18:09):

Definitely, yeah, I could go on about that forever. And yeah, we experience such a rare, not a rare, but a unique lifestyle that not many get to and experience and how lucky we are for that. As much as it was brutal, it was cut short and how it was cut short and all of that, I wouldn't trade it because my hockey memories, and I'm sure your hockey memories too are some of my, well are best days of my life, the first goal for it, they're pretty special. So

Terry Gill (00:18:54):

I think we often say to people, I know I do that we were so blessed to have col in our life. It was a far too short of time, but it truly was such a blessing for our family to have in our life. He really brought a lot into our small little family that we have

Emily Cave Boit (00:19:13):

For sure. Okay, speaking of the nightmare week doesn't even begin to do justice. And we landed, which ironically we're all flying to tomorrow, but Bakersfield, you guys had a whole little caravan set up for us. It was social distancing, so we couldn't hug or anything when we landed and you guys hopped into another car. But speaking of that week, whether it was the beginning or middle or end, what are some core memories, good or bad or pivotal moments? I mean some talked about in the book and obviously I talk a lot on social media, but from your guys' perspective during that week,

Gary Gill (00:20:08):

Well, there was a lot happened that week.

Emily Cave Boit (00:20:14):

This episode is posted during that week. It's posted on April 8th. So it's kind of

Gary Gill (00:20:19):

All tied in. It's, I guess I'm so much of an optimist. I kept hoping that Kobe was going to come out of it and just trying to keep that together, keep being positive for you. And two, we had a house full of people too, so it's to, we made a couple of trips down to Toronto to the hospital during that week and making meals and just dealing with Covid and just making sure that you are being cared for. And so it was a lot. I think for me, when I think back, and it's sort of a pivotal point, was on the Friday before Colby passed on the Saturday, early Saturday morning. So our friend Jack came over.

Emily Cave Boit (00:21:38):

I was very, at that time, pretty peed off and broken at the same time, but I was very, and I think I struggled with being around certain people, so I think it was a pretty big deal that I asked for Jack to

Gary Gill (00:21:58):

Come. So Jack was like your grandfather, he's not really your grandfather, but he was like a grandfather, excuse me, figure. And he's been a pastor all his life and at that point he had been in his late eighties and for him to come over,

Emily Cave Boit (00:22:16):

He married you during Covid

Gary Gill (00:22:19):

To spend time with you was pretty remarkable. And so it was basically he came over and I remember it was yourself and Jack and myself were talking and he wanted to understand the situation and his gentleness just really was talking to you and feeling just for you to release Colby, just to let him go. And I guess that's when I realized he wasn't going to make it.

Emily Cave Boit (00:23:17):

I think you guys too, you were driving on the Tuesday. I mean you guys saw him when he was taken from the house and obviously we saw him intubated getting onto the helicopter, but I feel like you were at the airport when me and mom went to go see him in a coma. And I think because you and mom only saw the transportation parts, if that makes sense and not, I mean, I don't wish this scene that I saw seeing his body and the smells, I don't wish that, but there is something to say foreseen that too. And I think that's why too, that week, obviously later on in that week when his body got to the funeral home and I asked, can we see it again? And I tried to fight to be like, can we see it again? And we obviously weren't allowed, but there's something for seeing again would don't wish that image upon anyone. But yeah, I think for you in particular two dad, because you were kind of doing the airport runs, mom took me in the wheelchair up to the glass. You didn't see him in the bad state

(00:24:51):

As

Gary Gill (00:24:51):

Much,

Emily Cave Boit (00:24:52):

So I think you saw him taken away and then you were doing everything else. You were at the airport, you were on the phone, you were doing all these calls, you were making the meals, you didn't, not the deterioration, but you didn't see the severeness, if that makes sense. You saw the photos or on FaceTime, you saw him on a coma, but not in person

Gary Gill (00:25:17):

And sitting in on that prayer meeting with the other NHL players, it was just always trying to be so hopeful,

Terry Gill (00:25:29):

Hoping for that Easter Miracle.

Gary Gill (00:25:30):

Yeah,

Terry Gill (00:25:30):

Hoping for that Easter miracle. Yeah.

Gary Gill (00:25:32):

Yeah. And then that conversation with Jack, I look back on that as kind of a pivotal time where he wasn't going to make it.

Emily Cave Boit (00:25:52):

I think we knew. Yeah, I wasn't

Gary Gill (00:25:55):

Good. He passed away less than 24 hours later.

Emily Cave Boit (00:25:59):

Yeah. Is there anything you remember during that time dab for you? I think we talked about this when I was writing the book and you guys were helping it. Is there anything that you remember that I said during that week or that I did that you were like, holy crap, or this is really bad or this is she's going to be traumatized for the rest of her life? Or was there anything that was like,

Gary Gill (00:26:29):

We were always concerned for you obviously, and we were trying to get you to eat and drink and which is really wasn't necessary. I mean, you weren't going to starve yourself or if your body needed it, you were going to have a drink. But we would keep trying to, oh, you need to eat something, you need to eat something. But looking back probably didn't need to do that at that

Emily Cave Boit (00:27:04):

Time. I mean, the one in the nurse in the room was definitely more on the nurse than on you guys. But I do remember that my biggest savior for food wise was the Bruins sent those steak things. I remember them and I remember, and that was the only thing that I would eat. Or Dave, obviously my brother-in-law would go through Starbucks, drive through every single morning and get me a banana loaf and a chai tea. And some days I wouldn't eat it. Some days I would, but he would still go so that it was there if I wanted to. Those were the two things, the banana loafs and the steak screw. I don't know what they were that the Bruin sent us, but I did eat

Gary Gill (00:27:56):

Those. We still have those bags.

Terry Gill (00:28:01):

We still have the bags. They came in.

Gary Gill (00:28:03):

Yeah,

Terry Gill (00:28:04):

I think for me, when I think back, I think initially it was just disbelief. It was some kind of movie happening and this isn't real and with the C and everything, and you guys were to be isolated and separated from us and you coming up and so with masks and gowns and saying something's wrong with Colby and the fear in your eye and that. But there was just something in me that I said to Gary, I knew there was something wrong. I told you there might be something. It was so traumatic, and yet it was such a disbelief and I think it was like you were in some kind of, I don't know, space that was like, this isn't really playing out. How is this playing out in that? And then I think to realize when they came for Kolbe, just the fear and the pain you're in. And we really at that point, you were social distancing. We weren't even really able to touch you or hug you because we're supposed to isolate. And it was just to that point to throw up your harms and say, I don't care. This is terrible. This is what's going on. Well, I remember

Emily Cave Boit (00:29:20):

You guys in the driveway and we were still six feet apart and he was in the ambulance and I was screaming at you guys being like, why aren't they moving? Why ist it going? And then I think you eventually were, screw it, Gary, we got to go hug her because I was like, you got to be

Terry Gill (00:29:36):

Near you, but you're worried about neighbors were worried. No one knew what was going on. So there was just so much happening there. And then when Colby did go and he was put in the coma and stuff like that, I think it was you were in a fight or fright situation and you were doing everything you could to keep people in contact. And that in some ways it helped because it almost didn't get you thinking, this is really, really bad. I can't explain. It was just like the movie just going and going and going. And I remember when he did die, it was like, I just got to get to M and I blurted out Colby died. I just wanted to get to you. I was so worried for you. And I remember seeing you were just numb and you just in disbelief. It was days just seeing that emptiness in your eyes and it was just you couldn't grasp it and you just wanted to

Emily Cave Boit (00:30:46):

Change. Think the fight to when dad went to the airport to get the caves, you wheeled me in the wheelchair over to him. That was their idea. And we had the whole wheelchair, but he looked better. Well, I mean what he looked like at the house was not good. And then after when we saw him and I was in the wheelchair, but he had his coloring back a little bit. So I think there was a little bit, but I remember when he was helicoptered and I talked about it in the book, I looked at you and I knew, I was like, I'm going to have to pick an outfit for his funeral. I just knew it in my gut it was not good. But yeah. Yeah,

Gary Gill (00:31:39):

We still tried to be hopeful.

Emily Cave Boit (00:31:41):

We did

Gary Gill (00:31:41):

Right to the end.

Emily Cave Boit (00:31:45):

But even there was so much with the covid too. When we arrived at the hospital at Sunnybrook, and they only sent me up first. I didn't find this out until we wrote, we were writing the book is when they told me upstairs and I was alone. And obviously I didn't handle it well that it was not good. And then they said, we have to go get our parents. When they brought you guys up, no one really updated you. So when you guys walked in, you didn't know to the extent of what they just told me until someone eventually came. And I think you guys were there when the whole group, all of them came in with that prayer, that spiritual person and all of that. But yeah, you guys were kind of just sitting in the car, sitting in the lobby waiting to

Gary Gill (00:32:38):

Yeah, we were in the lobby.

Terry Gill (00:32:41):

Yeah. And just all the as parents to think your daughter was there alone in the room having to process all this terrible news on your own and then when we get up there, you're just kind of rocking and you're just lost. And it was really hard to see that. And it was hard to believe that the night before he was out working out with Chester and I took a picture of him and he smiles at me and waves. It seemed unreal. It just seemed unreal. And I think it took a while to really process. Colby was not going to make it. And we know in our heart if he could have, he would've, but he wasn't going to make it.

Gary Gill (00:33:52):

Even now it's hard to think back and that really happened. You can't make sense of it.

Terry Gill (00:33:58):

Yeah. There's just no sense.

Gary Gill (00:34:00):

There's no sense in it.

Terry Gill (00:34:02):

And the covid didn't help. The Covid situation did not help.

Emily Cave Boit (00:34:05):

Well, yeah, everyone was isolated and the countless such a blessing, but the countless glyphs and Barry ran out of flowers and you guys are wiping them down before bringing them in the house and the meal was in the gifts and just, which was such a blessing, so grateful for all the meals and everything that was sent. And it definitely got me out of bed the weeks following when something was sent or when someone said something. But looking back, or even I remember, dad, you're not really one to get angry per se growing up. But I do remember, and I can laugh about it now, even though I think if I ever saw this person, I would not be as graceful as I'm being right now. But when we drove there after Colby's had passed away and I was allowed to go up and see his body and the one security worker wouldn't let me through and eventually I just didn't care and ran by, but you were kind of like, what do you not get? What do you not, it just seems that there was always something that week, whether it was down to the security guard trying to stop Me too. He was unidentified too. It was.

(00:35:35):

There was always something

Terry Gill (00:35:36):

Like,

Gary Gill (00:35:37):

Yeah,

Terry Gill (00:35:38):

And I think for dad and I too after Kai and Dave stayed with Sidney for a while and it was just us in the house and Kai sleeping with you and trying to help that. Sorry, I have to stop there. Sorry. It's just a hard time. I think when Kobe initially died and because of Covid, there wasn't the normal support and all those things and that we were thankful that Kai and Dave stayed longer and Kai sort of helped watch over you and that. And then dad and I could work with the busyness of things, whether it's about, and Dave was helping with the meals and like you said, he was going for Starbuckses. So it helped and it shows how important it's to be able to have a community to help when you lose someone. And our community was really small though. People were bringing food and all that, but the day-to-day stuff and when Kai and Dave left was Sydney, I can remember one day, and I never shared this one to you, but I went up to the bedroom and actually it was Wendy Tippett and I text her and I said, Wendy, I feel like I can't breathe.

(00:37:13):

I feel like I can't breathe. And I really felt I couldn't breathe because the loss of Kobe was really hitting in the responsibility of a parent was there. But the emptiness in your eyes and knowing that your dreams, your hopes with Colby was no longer going to happen. It literally paralyzed me One day I just went up and I just thought, I can't breathe. I've got to breathe. And I remember Wendy writing me back a very short note, just one breath at a time, one breath at a time. And I remember just one breath at a time. I went back downstairs, but that losing someone like you lost Kobe just was so hard. And as parents so hard for you to see you suffer and also realize Kobe was gone during the time was hard.

Emily Cave Boit (00:38:20):

I think two of the things during that time that brought any light was obviously Sydney. I have a special spot for Sydney. I think she has no idea even now at six how much she saved us in many ways. Her little, she has no idea, especially me particular. And then the dog that dad told me and Colby not to get that's that we got is now the end isn't a blessing is the MVP of the last five years, that dog, that was the greatest gift and impulse decision we could have done.

Gary Gill (00:39:06):

Yeah, he kept us going. He kept, kept us going a long time.

Emily Cave Boit (00:39:11):

Well, he also kept us on our toes. I mean he a little, he ran away multiple times.

Terry Gill (00:39:20):

He got into things he shouldn't eat chocolate, he just

Emily Cave Boit (00:39:25):

Keeping us on our toes and still to this day he was, yeah,

Terry Gill (00:39:32):

But in all the sadness and the heartache it was, and I know there were times it was hard for you, but when people would come, I mean they couldn't come into the house, but they like daisy driving three or four hours just to come and stand outside and leave flowers by the porch and just send your love. And I know they did that parade to small people going by and that as hard as it was for you. When we look back now, we just from a distance, people really did try to show their love and support and for that, we'll all be always thankful for and

Emily Cave Boit (00:40:16):

All the people that drove to the driveway or dropped off meals, even from, and I mean some days I wouldn't go out, some days I would, but at least for you guys too, you guys go out or you, I mean it was from the porch to the driveway, but it was something and another human interaction then

Terry Gill (00:40:40):

I think it was for me, it was really hard when it was just the three of us left in the home. When the home after Kai and Dave left and all that, it was just the three of us. And with your birthday coming up and all those milestones, and I think that's when you really started to just have the heartache, gut react, gut feeling like you shouldn't be this way.

Emily Cave Boit (00:41:05):

I see the adrenaline wears off, right too. The adrenaline of, I know Dad, you were figuring out the funeral homes, you were figuring out all the business side. You were kind of doing that, mom, you were constantly with me. So I think once the adrenaline, the business side, I mean obviously still there's so much death duties after, but the initial death duties are done there is that drop. Yeah.

Gary Gill (00:41:33):

Yeah. I mean I did all that and your mother was the one looking me after you. Yeah, your emotional state I guess in a sense. And not for us to do anything that would upset you if we're watching a TV program, she would be really sensitive to what kind of program it was.

Emily Cave Boit (00:41:58):

I remember one time, I think this is the Oilers had sent something and I don't know, I just remember I had something to do with you guys were trying to figure out where to order. They sent gift cards and it was something to do about you and Kai were trying to sag chicken wraps or something. And I just remember, mom just let you guys have it because I was so upset and didn't want to hear it and I didn't care what I was eating. And she was like, can you go talk about food in another room?

Terry Gill (00:42:28):

Well, they're the foodies.

Gary Gill (00:42:30):

We're not that slow. Well, that would be a topic of conversation in the evening. What food should we order or pick up? And so yeah, we probably should have been more sensitive about talking about that in front of you. It's not something that you needed to be involved in a debate over what we

Terry Gill (00:42:54):

Should or sitting around a table knowing there was empty. Oh, I remember that now. I think that was the very beginning because the caves were still there.

Emily Cave Boit (00:43:01):

Just heartbreaking. And I laid on that window.

Terry Gill (00:43:06):

Yeah, yeah.

Emily Cave Boit (00:43:12):

Okay. What was one thing, obviously dad, you've lost both your parents and we've lost family friends and et cetera, but what's one thing that was different or that you've learned more with Colby's grief or learned about grief that you didn't think you knew before until Colby died? Not that one grief is worse than the other. Just

Terry Gill (00:43:41):

So I guess I agree with your dad. I agree with your dad in that everyone should be allowed to grieve and process grief the best way they can because it's individual and the greater we love the consequences, the deeper the grief. And Kobe was young and vibrant and losing him so quickly, it brought in a lot of emotions that you maybe not normally deal with. And I know initially I was angry. I was angry at God and couldn't understand why. And I thought it was senseless that Colby died. He brought so much to everyone's life.

(00:44:28):

And then I also realized that I, going through it after he Colby died, the importance of us now knowing this is that we can't put a timeline on someone's grief. We, we've got to hold a space in our heart and hold it for forever because grief is a life journey. It doesn't move on. It doesn't move away from us. Time does not heal it. There's going to be different ways and different things that are going to hit us harder and you feel knocked over. And then other days, yes, you can have joy, you can have happiness as Kobe would want us to have, but there will always be those ways of grief. And so yeah, I think it's just not rushing people, not having expectation or judgment. And there's a poem, I do want to read it. It was when I saw it, I thought of the situation of someone that has loss and those that are walking with that person just to understand that they can't, they should allow that person, oh, I just lost it again, but sorry, I have a poem.

(00:45:52):

I'll just put that I have a poem that really speaks about someone that's walking through grief and will walk through grief and to feel it's okay to have that grief. And I don't know who the author was and I just added K's name into it a bit. But it said we talk about Kobe because we're proud. We talk about him because he deserves to be remembered. We talk about Kobe because even though he is not physically with us, he is never far from our mind. We talk about him because he's a part of us, a part that we would never ignore or disown. We talk about Kobe because we love him, still always will forever. Nothing will ever change that. And I think it's important that we allow people to talk about the ones they love, to celebrate the ones they loved and to honor them. And I think that's what I learned about grief.

Emily Cave Boit (00:47:02):

That's that was really good. I saw a widow posted something, another Jen had posted something this morning. It was from someone else and it was a video and it's basically a therapist talking about grief and it's like it's not learning to live without the person. It's still learning to live with 'em just differently.

Terry Gill (00:47:22):

Exactly.

Emily Cave Boit (00:47:23):

So it's just different. I mean, cool is a part of my everyday life just in a different way because that death doesn't end a relationship I feel like. But what would you say to, I know mom, you've had the opportunity to connect with a few of the parents of widows that I've become friends with, but what would you tell other parents or other in-laws that lose a son-in-law or daughter-in-law but are watching their child grief? But what would be your advice to them? I guess

Terry Gill (00:48:12):

For me, it was a lady that reached out to me in a card. I didn't know her, but she lost her daughter and she lost her son-in-law. And her daughter was a young widow and she

Emily Cave Boit (00:48:28):

Sent me Carly ses.

Terry Gill (00:48:29):

Carly, yes, Carly and Nina. And Nina sent me a card and I didn't know her. And in her card she said, just know your grief will be two folded. And I thought that was an interesting way to try to explain what Gary's and my grief will be. And it took me a while. And I guess that's what I would say is that yes, it's two folded in meaning that we, when you love your son or your daughter-in-law, just like a son or just like a daughter, and you lose them, you have a great grief. You are missing them. That is part of your family. They've been part of your memories, part of your life and that. But then also you have another kind of grief, and that is seeing your child lose their person, your child in such agony and pain and actually initially and for quite a long while trying to find their way again. And so I think you grieve the loss of your loved one who has left us, but you also grieve what could have been for your child that you love and that that person was their person and filled their cup and trying to help them maneuver through that. And I can't imagine being a parent, losing you or Kai, but I have to say that it is a two folded grief. It a very hard thing, try to balance.

Gary Gill (00:50:38):

I'm not sure how much more I could add to that. I think that's what your mom said is true. We were the advice I get just to recognize your grief, we already talked about and recognize that it's never going to go away. It's learning to live life with grief, be grief and joy can be at the same time. And you just have to persevere and understand that your life has changed and you need to be there for your daughter or your son, whatever it takes. You don't want to lose them. You want them to continue on and to have the best life that they can have knowing that they've gone through a huge loss.

Emily Cave Boit (00:51:41):

Is there anything on the business or death duty side you'd recommend? I mean, I'm a huge advocate for having a will. Like the will.

Gary Gill (00:51:52):

Yeah, it's definitely having a will

Emily Cave Boit (00:51:54):

Make sure,

Gary Gill (00:51:55):

And I guess passwords as well. Knowing what passwords are is important because think of phones, knowing passwords for phones and stuff like that. Your bank accounts.

Terry Gill (00:52:12):

Do you remember the time that we're talking about the Telus person? The Telus person, and you didn't, no, it was T-Mobile. They're in the US and you didn't have his password and you're trying to get into find information. It's counted what it was all about. And they're giving you a hard time. And the person kept sort of giving the same statement. Well, we need him to tell us that it's okay. And I don't speak up often either, but I remember taking the phone and saying, what don't you understand? He cannot talk to you. He's dead. He's in heaven. Stop it. Stop doing this to her. But it was crazy. It was like, how can he tell you he is gone? Stop doing this to my daughter. I think when something this happens, I think the real, I guess the mama and the real papa bear come out and try to be protective. You are hurting so much already. You just do everything to try to help you not to be hurt anymore. And that guy really ticked me off that day.

Emily Cave Boit (00:53:25):

Yeah, there's been some people that have definitely ticked us off over the years on their lack of understanding.

Terry Gill (00:53:35):

If there's one thing I can also say that about grief is that I think sometimes when someone has lost someone, we have the tendency to say to that person, oh, if you need anything, let me know,

(00:53:49):

Or when you want to get together, let me know, or whatever. And I think what we've learned through seeing what you have gone through and our family has gone through too, you are not in the frame. The person that is grieving, they're not in the frame of mind to even know what they need, what they want, and they're not capable of reaching out and saying, Hey, let's get together for a coffee. I think if you know someone that has lost someone or a family that is grieving and all that, I think it's really, if you're genuine and sincere, it's really up to you to go forward, be at the door and say, Hey, I'm here. I'm here. I'm here to listen. I'm coming to pick you up in 10 minutes, like blah, blah, blah, blah. But to initiate it, do not expect the person grieving because that person, and we saw it in you, you sat on a couch, you didn't even think of eating. You didn't even think of sometimes brushing your teeth, you didn't think of your hair, you didn't think of anything. So how is it, can we expect someone to be thinking of, oh, I'd really like to go to coffee with you today, or, I'd really like to do that. I think you had to be very careful. We don't say, oh, I'm here all the time for you. Just let me know. I think we have to say I'm here

(00:55:21):

And actually be present, be present, continue to show

Emily Cave Boit (00:55:25):

Up, I think.

Terry Gill (00:55:26):

Yeah, show up, show up. I

Emily Cave Boit (00:55:27):

Think about that so much. I think obviously you guys moved me back to Edmonton and then you guys went back to Ontario before you guys made the decision to move out to Edmonton and help me. But there was some, well, there was quite a few people during that time when you guys weren't there that I think of Ty Coper, I think Ty Cooper didn't know Colby. He didn't know me before and Steph and other people in the building. And I remember one time just not knowing, but Ty just came upstairs and was like, Hey, I went to Home Depot. I had to change my air vent. I bought you an air filter and I'm going to do it too. And I wouldn't even think to, I didn't know that there was air filters. I wouldn't even think. And here was someone that had just, I think about that situation all the time with Ty and Steph because I would've had no idea. And then the filter would've just got worse. And then who knows what happens? But showing up like that, especially when you guys weren't in Edmonton yet, there were so many people that would just show up with meals or be like, were, and I think that's super important in the first you guys dropped me off or moved me out in mid of July, but when you went back from July to October, it was also the NHL bubble and his name was everywhere and it was a lot.

(00:57:07):

But people even offering to walk Chester because there was people outside or that, and I think that was really important in the first six months and even after you guys moved there to continue to show up, the people that continue to show up five years later or get it or care or it's not just showing up within the first six months and then that's that. It's the people that obviously the first six months are so helpful, but the people that continue to show up during the following, once it wears off, I think are really crucial too.

Terry Gill (00:57:49):

Yeah, and I agree. I think if someone are saying those people that are there on the initial when it happened, it's lovely in that. But then when you have your, not that you depend on them, but you welcome their support and you feel cared about in that, and then as it drifts away, it's another loss for you. It's another huge loss. And I think we just have to be so careful if we say, we're here for you. We can't put a timeline on you. We can't put a timeline in grief. So it means you show up. You may not be able to show up every day. You may not be able to show up once a week, but you show up and other words, otherwise it becomes another scar. It becomes another loss.

Emily Cave Boit (00:58:42):

I do think that was even that much more amplified with Colby's too, because I think in the beginning, as you said in the beginning, mom, there was so much, it was media, public statements. I didn't deny any interview. I was constantly running on this adrenaline. So I think when it was so heightened, which I'm so grateful for, I'm grateful for all the NHL games. I'm grateful for all the things done in his honor and events. But when it's even that much more and more high, it's that much more low when it drops because it was like, oh, now they've really forgotten because there's no more games. There's no more this high energy

Terry Gill (00:59:30):

In your whole thing. When Kobe first died, I can remember you saying, I don't want him forgotten, mom.

(00:59:38):

I don't want, don't want Kobe forgotten. And so that high of all that was going on from it, people and whatever, it actually, it was helping you carry you through because it was something you did not want him forgotten. And then when it suddenly drops, then there's that anxiety or that panic in you is, it's not even about yourself, it's about Colby's being forgotten. You know what I mean? We have to just be so careful in what we promise or what we commit ourselves to someone that is grieving and show up, be present and know it's a long journey. So if you make the commitment, walk with them,

Gary Gill (01:00:31):

You think of not wanting Colby DV forgotten. Well, yesterday we went to the first of Kobe's kids for the season and well over a hundred, almost probably 150 kids who have jerseys that say Kobe's kids on them.

Terry Gill (01:00:51):

And I said to Gary, we should take a picture because the first session from eight to nine were 40 girls. And then the second session was 46 little kids. And we stayed there, and then we were heading off for church. And when we were leaving, there was another session of 46 coming in. So I gave Erin a big hug and I said, this means the world to Emily. And I told her that Kobe would be so honored. And so em, you never want him to forget to be forgotten. And he's not very present. And he has sent us a lot of signs over the years

Emily Cave Boit (01:01:38):

Dog.

Terry Gill (01:01:39):

He has sent us so many signs over the years. And I know he'll be sending signs when it comes to his five year heavenly birthday,

Emily Cave Boit (01:01:55):

His dog, his dog being fed multiple treats beside Chester. But yeah, no, it's quite, yeah, it'll be interesting to go back to Baco tomorrow. So

Terry Gill (01:02:10):

Yeah, that'll be another, that will be a bit hard too. It never, I think too Covid delayed so

Emily Cave Boit (01:02:17):

Much.

Terry Gill (01:02:19):

And I think we always say those milestones are hard, but I think also because of his legacy and the foundations and Harry's known that there seems to be always something around the corner. And so yeah, there's a tug on our hearts, but there's also a sense of joy and people still talk to us about how Kobe impacted their life. We feel so honored to be the in-laws of Kobe because we thank you for bringing Colby into our life because we hear all the time how much he embraced other people, how much he loved you. I mean, we hear from Bassam the same story over and over again. The driver, oh, and he'll tell that us that story and how much Colby loved you, he just loved you. And as parents to know how much your child is being loved is a great gift. We thank Kobe for that. He really loved you. And we will, as that poem said, we will never stop talking about 'em and we'll never forget. And as long as we live,

(01:03:44):

And little Sidney and Olivia talk about 'em and kind Dave, and I can remember how Olivia was upset because she never got to meet him. And we promised her that he'll greet her in heaven. He'll be excited to see her in heaven. She feels a little left out that she never got to meet Colby. So we feel, yeah, he impacted all of our lives and Sidney, Sydney Wars, Jersey the other day, kid's Jersey to school for Jersey Day, all of us, Dave Kai, all of us just feel so blessed that he was in our life and still is. He's a part of our life. I mean, I feel like he changed all of our lives. He changed all of us in hard ways, but also in good ways to learn to live life to the fullest. I mean, you skydiving and doing all those things, and you'll say to us so many times, you only live once. Got to do it. I mean, the ride in Florida, your dad hates heights and the way you put it to us, got to do it. You only live once. You don't know what tomorrow brings. And I think sometimes we've learned to enjoy life each day more because that's the example Kobe was

(01:05:15):

To

(01:05:15):

Us. There is never a morning, never a day that we had to question, is Colby okay? Because Colby woke up with a smile. He had a coffee ready for us, or we had a coffee. He was ready to be engaged with us all. Okay, what's up this day? He had so much energy, and so there's never been a time that I can honestly say, I mean, I'm sure he had his times, but to us, he was never moody, never complained. He just lived life.

Gary Gill (01:05:55):

We were talking about signs, but there's one that I don't think we've told you this one. It just happened recently. Remember that watch Kobe had, that he had bought in China and it was a knockoff.

Emily Cave Boit (01:06:10):

Yeah, Marcy.

Terry Gill (01:06:11):

Marcy and all them went and got knockoffs and we took it. It was jammed and I couldn't get it to turn or work anymore. It was whatever. Yeah, that one. Yeah.

Gary Gill (01:06:19):

And you had taken it in and they said, oh no, it's not worth fixing. And it was just so it wouldn't work. So that was like, well, it's almost like

Terry Gill (01:06:28):

Four and a half years ago.

Gary Gill (01:06:30):

So bassam,

Terry Gill (01:06:32):

I put in my drawer and kept it. I wouldn't throw it out. Yes.

Gary Gill (01:06:34):

The driver who drives a lot of the Oilers and so on, he drives us the airport. We've become friends with him and his wife. And so their grandson, one of their grandsons really likes watches. And so your mother offered to give this watch to this little boy because he loves him so much. And so she had text the picture of the watch and

Terry Gill (01:06:59):

Told her it was a knockoff, told her it wasn't working,

Gary Gill (01:07:02):

And she said, oh, that's okay. He'll up the watch anyways. And so

Terry Gill (01:07:10):

A couple weeks later, I think,

Gary Gill (01:07:11):

Yeah, a couple weeks later, so I was, your mom said, well, can you go over and drop off this watch? He was there.

Terry Gill (01:07:20):

I was

Gary Gill (01:07:20):

Visiting. Yeah, he was visiting. And so told me the story again, hasn't worked for years and

Emily Cave Boit (01:07:28):

Well, Cole went to China in 2018, September, 2018,

Gary Gill (01:07:36):

Something like that. So I looked down at this watch and the second hand is going, and I said to your mom, what do you mean the watch is working? And she said, that's impossible. It hasn't worked for years.

Terry Gill (01:07:57):

It's been in my trap door for four and a half years. It's not working.

Gary Gill (01:07:59):

I said, well, it's working. There's the second hand it's going. And so not only that, so a bit later, so I was driving over to where I was going to drop off this watch, and your mom had said, well, the watch is working. And Mona said, well, you don't have to bring it over if it's still working. I said, oh no, we've promised to give it to him. So anyways, I look at this watch again, and it was the exact time

Terry Gill (01:08:37):

That he was dropping the watch off.

Gary Gill (01:08:39):

It was the time, it was that exact time. It was quarter after 11 in the morning, and the watch said 1115 and it was working.

Terry Gill (01:08:52):

It

Gary Gill (01:08:52):

Was the exact time,

Terry Gill (01:08:54):

Time. And we were like, whoa. So I went back to my text to Mona two weeks earlier. I took a picture of the watch

(01:09:07):

And I said, I'm not sure if he'd be interested in this, but he loves drawing pictures of watches, not this one doesn't work and all that. And she goes, oh, that would be so sweet. That'd be so nice. And they are lovely people. She was so appreciative, been they're beautiful people. And so when I went back to the picture, the time is stuck on 11 o'clock when I handed it to dad two weeks later, didn't even know what time I sent her this picture. Oh, I sent her the picture in the evening, but the hand was stuck on at 11 when I handed him the watch, it was around 11 and the second hand was moving. It was the exact time, Watson.

Gary Gill (01:09:51):

So how is that possible that this watch all of a sudden started working and it was at the right time,

Emily Cave Boit (01:10:03):

The right time? I feel like that, and it's still working. I feel like that's such a, well a sign, obviously. But I feel like Especi in particular because of Bassam, I feel like he's one of the people that have, I mean, he was incredible when we got sent to the Oilers and then after he passed away, I mean, he's the one that came and picked us up and then now you guys establishing a friendship with him and his family. I feel like that's totally a Kby Thank you sign

Terry Gill (01:10:34):

For sure. ASAM is the only one here in Edmonton that we know that has continued a relationship with us that also knew Colby. A lot of our relationships are new and we talk about Colby, but they never met Colby or they never seen you with Colby or anything like that. Bassam is the only

(01:10:58):

One

(01:10:59):

That can share with us the stories of how Colby was so excited about you coming. And yet that is when the people that were getting his old knockoff watch from China that wasn't working for four and a half years. It started to work and it was just like, this is to be, well, it would be more than four and a half years if we got in

Emily Cave Boit (01:11:23):

2018.

Terry Gill (01:11:24):

Oh yeah. But I had it for about four and a half years and it wasn't working yet. Yeah. Wow. So yeah, it's quite

Emily Cave Boit (01:11:30):

Something. Wow. Yeah. That's definitely a side. It's definitely Colby, but Well, thank you guys for coming on.

Terry Gill (01:11:44):

Thank you. We love you. Hi Chester. Hi Chester. Jay. Hi Chester and Grandpa, love you.

Gary Gill (01:11:50):

What a good boy. Chester. We miss you.

Terry Gill (01:11:55):

We miss you. Keep spreading the joy to mommy. We love you, em, and we're proud of you and you. You're just one strong lady that you've just been resilient and yet willing to be vulnerable to share your journey. So thank you. Okay. Love you.

Gary Gill (01:12:20):

Okay, love you dear.

Emily Cave Boit (01:12:36):

As you can see, I am so lucky to have my mom and dad as my parents. They're two incredible human beings, and I feel so very fortunate and grateful to have them. And I know K is so grateful for them too and all that they've done for me and Chester over the years. So yeah, very lucky to have them. And I hope this podcast and episode helped you guys see grief and someone's journey through someone else's eyes a little bit. But yeah, I hope you guys have a great week and be somebody that makes everybody feel like a somebody. And yeah. Thanks guys.