The SPARKLE Beneath the Numbness

Can grief and gratitude truly coexist in the same breath? 

Emily opens up about the emotional weight of April, a month steeped in memory, trauma, and reflection following the loss of her husband, Colby. 

Now five years into her grief journey, Emily shares the intense waves of numbness, anger, and unexpected sparkles of hope she felt while navigating this year’s anniversary alone in California. 

From medical triggers and hospital flashbacks to quiet acts of kindness and bittersweet birthday traditions, she illustrates the push and pull of healing. With authenticity and grace, Emily reminds listeners that even amid heartbreak, love lingers, connection matters, and it's okay to not have it all figured out. 

This episode is a moving reminder that sparkle can still exist—even in the shadows.

Listen For:

1:27  Sparkle vs. Numbness: The Battle Within

4:29  Anticipatory Grief Is Its Own Monster

8:47  The Flip Switch: From Anger to Acts of Kindness

12:11  Easter’s Weight: When Faith Feels Heavy

13:20  Birthday Reflections: The Joy & Pain of Remembering

17:15  Love Is Still Alive: The Power of Showing Up

Contact Emily:

Instagram | Website 

Transcript

Emily Cave Boit (00:01):

Welcome back to episode 14 of you Are More with Emily Cave Boit. This is just a quick solo episode. Kind of wanted to give you guys on an update. I know that I didn't have two episodes this past month, so kind of wanted to talk a little bit about that. And yeah, just moving forward and what this last month was like for me. So as you guys know, April is always a tough month for me. Even five years later, I feel like it just is always heavy. April 1st hits and I can just feel the grief crawling back in and very intensely. So on this episode, I wanted to talk a little bit about even five years later, finding your sparkle and learning how to cope with your grief, but also dealing with the numbness that is automatically going to come with grief, whether it is the first year, the fifth year, 20 years, 10 years, whatever year it is, your body knows.

(01:27):

So yeah, this episode is a little bit about sparkle verse numbness. So I wanted to start off with a quote that was sent to me actually. It's from an Instagram account called, and that's grief. You talk about how much you miss them, but no one asks if you miss you too. The version of you existed when they were still here. The one who felt more certain, more alive, more like herself, the one who had a role, a rhythm, a place to land when they died. Something in you went quiet, a part of you that made sense only in their presence tucked itself away and the world didn't even notice, but you did. And the way you move through rooms now and how foreign your own reflection can feel in the silence where a version of you used to live and what follows isn't some grand transformation.

(02:17):

It's the quiet work of adjusting, reorganizing, and rediscovering. This is the grief that has no sympathy cards, the grief of learning who you are. Now when a piece of your identity no longer has its familiar context, it's okay to not have it all figured out. You might be holding onto truth that still feel solid, and there might be question marks where there used to be certainty. And this is grieving and becoming both can be true at once. So kind of like I was saying, you're trying to become this new person and move forward with your grief because you never move on with your grief. But at the same time, you're dealing with this numbness and emptiness of your loved one that you lost. So I always find personally the buildup of to April 7th is actually the hardest for me. And I actually feel like weirdly in some ways, April 7th is harder for me than April 8th or April 11th.

(03:15):

Obviously April 11th will be the worst day of my life because that was the day that Colby officially died. However, the trauma of April 7th just cannot ever be described in earthly words. And I feel like from the first to the sixth, I feel like I'm living our last moments together even five years later. And I feel like being in California for this month and not being around any family or friends, that was really amplified and I feel like I really was, I think trying to, I don't want to say grasp onto straws, that's not the appropriate term, but I was just very lonely and trying to navigate that alone for the first time, not near friends and family was very difficult. And the heaviness of not being in a familiar setting kind of reliving those last few days definitely took a toll. But I also feel like other widows or other loved ones that I talked to, the anticipation grief, and my therapist actually said this to me, the anticipation leading up to the day sometimes is actually worse.

(04:29):

Obviously not when it's an immediate, the week that he actually died. But now I feel like the anticipation leading up, you build up so much anxiety and reliving things and then when the day comes, you're kind of like, whew. And then the day after you crash and you have the typical grief hangover. So like I said, April 7th I feel like is the super triggering day for me up to April 11th. And for those of you that don't know, I was diagnosed with hemochromatosis a few months ago when I moved here. So during that week, unfortunately, fortunately, ironic fate, whatever we want to call it, I was supposed to have treatment on April 11th, and I knew that was not going to be a good idea. I knew that was going to be a deep, deep trigger being in a hospital setting around a lot of medical stuff, nurses, doctors.

(05:32):

So I decided to move it up a day to April 10th, however. So I thought I was being all proactive. And then however, I didn't think that when I moved it up to day to April 10th, that would then have to move because a few days before I have to get my blood work taken and my labs taken at the main hospital and me not thinking in head, just thinking about April 11th and moving into April 10th, that meant that I actually had to go into a hospital hospital on April 7th in order for them to receive my blood work to do treatment on the 10th. And I just remember being like, how the heck am I going to get through this week? I am here all alone. I don't have family and friends. This is super traumatic. And I had posted a few months earlier about this quote and how it was the first time that I was sitting in the hospital and how I prayed for people in the hospital that they weren't going to die and strangers.

(06:39):

And I just felt this overwhelming sense of peace. And I still feel that. But however, when I was in the hospital that week, I was so angry. I was so mad at everyone there. I remember sitting in the parking lot on April 7th and I was kind of near the ambulance bay and I was on FaceTime with my parents and I was just like, screw those ambulances, screw those paramedics. And I remember walking into the hospital being like, I hate it here. I had this flip switch moment of during that week that I just didn't want to pray for strangers that I had been doing normally. I was mad at people that were still strangers that were alive in the hospital. That anger, part of grief just overwhelmed me that week, and I really thought that I had worked through that. But I think that's just grief reminding you and your body reminding you even five years later, I'm still going to feel all those emotions that I felt that week.

(07:38):

And obviously I don't feel them as heavy anymore during other times of the year, but that week was just such a reminder of me being in the hospital on April 7th, getting my blood work. I hated that place. And it wasn't even Sunnybrook, it just brought back so many emotions. But then it was interesting to me because then I kind of flipped, switched back again, and I was like, for my treatment day, these nurses have been so incredible to me and so amazing. And to be honest, they didn't even know my story. I didn't go around the treatment center saying really anything. And I was like, I think I need to write them a card and bring them cookies because Colby loved cookies and I wanted to get Starbucks gift cards for other families or patients in the treatment center that they could be handed out after they have received bad news or had a bad day of treatment that they can have something.

(08:47):

Because I didn't really get to do that for the critical care center. And I didn't really get to thank Colby's nurses and medical staff at the end of the day. I mean, I kind of did, but I feel like I was still so angry with some of them. Some of them were obviously incredible. And then other ones I had very strong emotions to. So yeah, I wrote them a quote or I wrote them a card and it said why I wrote the card wasn't even for attention or for anything like that. I just wanted to bring, I dunno, I feel like I was my way of honoring Colby, which is so funny because the day before I hated all nurses, staff, strangers that were in the hospital. But this one felt different because, well, I talk about it in the card, so I'll just read the card.

(09:39):

I just want to thank you for being so kind to me. The last few months you had no idea how much you were helping me on my grief journey while treating my hemochromatosis. Tomorrow marks five years since my husband died from a colloid cyst. Due to covid restrictions, I was not allowed to be there. So I said goodbye on FaceTime. One of his nurses squeezed his hand three times as he was dying. For me, it was our way of saying, I love you. After he passed away, I told myself I'd never stepped foot in a hospital again. I would have breakdowns before and after. Each time the way you guys treat your patients gave me hope. I can only hope that was the way Cole was treated too. Cole and I had a daily motto, be somebody that makes everybody feel like a somebody. I wanted to give you guys some cookies in honor of him.

(10:22):

I also have Starbucks gift cards for you to hand out to patients who may be alone or and scared to a family member who is struggling, or even one of the staff members that need a reminder that what you guys do is incredibly important. You guys are real life superheroes. Emily Cave, and I gave them the cookies and they read the card and it was just a great moment on the 10th. And now I feel like when I go back, I have treatment today after recording this, I feel like they always ask about Colby and obviously they ask about colon too, but it's this special connection that I have with these people that I didn't have before. So yeah, that was such a sparkle verse, numbness in a span of 48 hours during April. It was like I was so numb and I was so angry with all those waves of emotion of grief.

(11:14):

But then I was also at the same time trying to find my sparkle and trying to honor KB and trying to continue his legacy in ways that I thought that he would love or that would give back to. As I said, I couldn't thank his nurses. So that was the beginning of April, and I feel like there was also so many people that were reaching out and I'm so grateful for that. One of my widow sisters texted me, I was out and texted me, check your door. And I come back and there was this bouquet of flowers and chocolate chip cookies, which were Colby's favorites. But yeah, I just feel like the waves of emotion even five years later obviously still come. And then with Easter weekend, I feel like April's just such a write off. And then it's Easter weekend and Colby died on Easter weekend five years ago.

(12:11):

But this Easter weekend was a different Easter weekend. And I feel like even that, I still am feeling heavy when it's post his death anniversary because it just reminds me of all the prayers of an Easter Miracle or Good Friday or all of that. And I feel like that's where my, I feel the heaviness towards my faith a little bit more. On Easter weekend, I was in Arizona with my in-laws at Collins family's place there. And it was great, it was great weather, but I still felt this heaviness of this whole Easter Miracle story, even though it wasn't the actual anniversary date. So what I really tried to do is just be present, enjoy the weather, try and golf, even though I'm a horrible golfer, I really, really, really do try for Colin. But yeah, I just tried to be really, really, really present. But I still felt the numbness.

(13:20):

And then obviously the following week was my birthday. And here's the thing is like Cole will be, I will say this to my dying date, Colby loved my birthdays more than I love my birthdays. I hate surprises. I hate being caught off guard. And I think that I already hated that before when Colby was still alive and then after Colby died. I can't do it. I can't do surprises big or small. They give me anxiety, like panic attacks. I don't like it. I don't enjoy it. I would rather just know and have everything planned. And I think that's actually pretty common with people that have suddenly lost a loved one. You don't want to be caught off guard. You don't want to be, I just can't handle, even if it's such a positive thing, I can't handle surprises because I feel like the biggest surprise in my life was a horrific surprise.

(14:13):

And that is when Colby died. So I'm not a surprise girl, but Colby did love my birthday more than anyone else on this planet, the way he spoiled me on my birthdays or was singing. And I'm so glad again for the take the pictures and take the videos motto because I have so many videos over the years of Colby singing me happy birthday. And still to this day, I will wake up on my birthday and I will listen to those videos so I can hear him singing me happy birthday. And for that, I am so grateful. And I will look at the videos sometimes and I'm like, I don't like the attention on me, which is so ironic with everything I do now and being in the public eye. But in these videos, I'm very not making eye contact, kind of side smiling, not really looking at the camera. And I look back and I wish that I was just so much more excited in those moments for Colby.

(15:22):

But at the same time, he loved me for the way that I was. But I do, that's something that I always do is I do listen to those videos. And now I was very fortunate this birthday, one of my would've sisters was like, Hey, come to Nashville. Colin was going to be away, unfortunately. So I booked a last minute trip. I went to Nashville and I think it was exactly what I needed. I feel like seeing two of my friends there, Demi, who obviously lost Michael as well, and then McKenna Moore, who has just been an incredible friend who has been there from the moment of my journey through social media and then becoming friends through that. It was cool to kind of just be with them. They both obviously didn't know Colby personally, but have supported me from day one and kind of just get it.

(16:16):

So we had a great weekend and it was exactly what I needed. I feel like I just needed to disconnect from the world. But in saying that, I also found this other quote and one line sticks up to me or sticks out to me the most. And I think it's super, super powerful. I don't know the author of this, but it says, and then there are people who stick by your side through all the heartache of grief, the ones who know your heart, they don't try and fix your pain, they don't come up with the perfect words to say. They're just there beside you. They show up and sit with you in silence, proof that even through death, love is still very much alive all around you. They remind you that you don't have to carry this heaviness alone. These are the people you will never forget. And I feel like that the proof that even through death love is still very much alive all around you.

(17:15):

The amount of people that showed up for me and messaged me this past month, I think because I was not in a familiar setting and I wasn't around my family and friends for the first time during a death anniversary was just so incredible. And I think that line is just so true. And that's the line that had me trying to still find my sparkle through my numbness the past month and trying to figure it all out. So I want to address that. And yeah, kind of just talk about your more in the future looking for some guests. So if you know any guests to come on the show, we have a few amazing people lined up for the next few months, but always looking to hear more stories. And they don't have to be grief stories, they don't have to be widowhood stories, just stories about people overcoming their life journey and their struggles and whatever has gone on in their lives.

(18:19):

I love being able to use my platform that I was given for other people. So if you know anyone else, let us know. We'd love to have you on. But yeah, I just wanted to do a quick short little update episode for you guys before we dive back into episodes with some guests. So thank you guys as always. You guys are incredible. And I would not be here without all your support the past five years and all the waves and all the sparkle moments and all the numbness. Thank you so much and looking forward to episode 15 and getting back on track with you guys. Always remember that you are more and April showers bring my flowers. Ironically, that's what I kept telling myself through April. So if you're going through something right now, your sparkle will come back and the numbness will go away eventually. But thank you guys so much for listening to this episode. As always. I love when you guys send in your reviews, like click share the episodes, or if anything I said in this episode resonated with you, let me know. Never forget that you are more go be somebody that makes everybody feel like a somebody.