How Can Parents Help Children Navigate the Complexities of Valentine's Day?

In this episode of MomDoc Talk, Kristen delves into the nuances of navigating Valentine's Day with children. The discussion covers the holiday's history, emphasizing the importance of inclusion, kindness, and addressing the emotional aspects for kids and teenagers. Kristen offers practical advice for parents on supporting their children through various stages of relationships, from elementary school to adolescence. Key themes include fostering respect, honesty, and connection, while shifting the focus from commercialized elements to the deeper meanings of love and friendship.

• Understanding the history and origins of Valentine's Day.
• The significance of kindness and inclusion in celebrating the holiday.
• Strategies for addressing children's emotions related to Valentine's Day.
• Guidance for parents on supporting children through different relationship stages.
• Navigating the complexities of Valentine's Day in middle school.
• Supporting teenagers in managing expectations and self-esteem during Valentine's Day.
• The importance of open conversations about relationships and dating.
• Discussing sexual health and consent with teenagers.
• Emphasizing the values of respect, honesty, and connection in relationships.
• Shifting focus from commercialism to the deeper meanings of love and friendship.

The information in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitution for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider for medical issues. All the opinions are of Dr. Kristen Cook and do not reflect the opinions of her employer nor the hospitals she is affiliated with. The authors and publishers of this podcast do not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, or consequences of using the information provided.

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Transcript

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Valentine's Day is fast approaching, which means that love is all around. While some people consider Valentine's Day to be a hallmark holiday, it is important to help our children navigate how this day plays out. Of course, I'm going to differentiate based on age and developmental ability. But before I dive in, I thought it would be fun to look into the history of Valentine's Day. Let's go far, far back into time to the year 269 AD. This was the year that the Roman Empire, led by Emperor Claudius II, placed a ban on marriage. Apparently, the emperor thought that unmarried men were superior soldiers. A priest named Valentine disagreed. He decided to perform secret marriages. He was eventually caught and sent to prison. According to legend, he developed a relationship with the daughter of the man in charge of the prison right before he was executed. He allegedly wrote the daughter a note and signed it. Your valentine. Several hundred years later, the Roman Catholic Church declared the day of Valentine's death as Saint Valentine's Day. During the Middle Ages, Valentine's Day was first associated with love and affection. One belief was that birds began mating on February 14th. Yet it took many more years for Valentine's Day to be associated with the giving of small gifts, such as candy and flowers. Symbols of Valentine's Day, such as Cupid, hearts and doves, emerged in the 18th century thanks to Richard Cadbury, a member of a British chocolate manufacturing company. The tradition of giving a box of candy was started in the 19th century in the United States of America. A woman named Esther Howland started mass producing Valentine's Day cards in the 1840s. While Valentine's Day is not a legal holiday. It's a celebratory day for millions of people across the world. I didn't always love Valentine's Day. In fact, when I was in college, I arranged for a small group of young women to dress in all black and sit in the front row of a chemistry class on Valentine's Day. Fast forward to a few years later. I met my now husband on Match.com in 2007. He helped me to believe in love and he restored my faith in Valentine's Day. Does he buy me flowers? Not usually, but he is the most loving, supportive person that I have ever known, which helps me to be well equipped to help my children with the expectations that come along with Valentine's Day. The celebration of Valentine's Day is no longer limited to lovers who are expressing affections with words and gifts. Nowadays, relatives, friends, and even schools celebrate on February 14th when it comes to the classroom setting. Most schools require that younger children bring valentines for every child in the classroom or not bring Valentines at all. I like this policy, though I understand potential criticisms. As a physician, I am continuously weighing the benefits versus potential drawbacks of medical tests and treatments. I tend to take this approach outside my office and into my everyday life. To me, the benefits of providing Valentine's cards to all classmates outweigh any potential drawbacks. Such a policy creates inclusion. I'm sure we all remember someone being left out on Valentine's Day when we were kids, and if you were the one left out, I'm sure that the pain and embarrassment has not been forgotten. Creating a rule that kids need to bring Valentines for all of their classmates, or none at all, ensures that no one will be excluded. Giving Valentines to every classmate also helps teach children the importance of being nice, even to someone that they may not like. You don't have to like someone in order to be kind. At the same time, it is important for your child to understand that by giving someone a valentine does not mean that that person is suddenly their friend. In fact, Valentine's Day can be a great time to help younger children reflect on the aspects of healthy friendships. What qualities make a good friend? For younger children, I find it helpful to focus on the kindness involved with giving everyone a valentine, rather than on the romantic aspect of Valentine's Day. Some children worry excessively about how their Valentines will be perceived by their classmates, and this concern seems to intensify as children get older. Make sure to acknowledge and support any of your child's emotions related to Valentine's Day. Validate your child's experience and talk to them about their feelings. It's important to allow your child to choose the exact Valentine's cards that they would like to give out. This may mean that you have to buy more than one pack of cards. That's okay. Please do not force your kids to kids to express a sentiment that they don't mean. For example, giving up be my Valentine card to someone that your child does not like may be awkward or embarrassing. Likewise, having your child give the class bully a Valentine that says your wonderful Valentine is insincere. Luckily, Valentine's cards have come a long way. These days, it's not hard to find cards without the X's and O's or romantic messages. If your child cannot find Valentine's cards that resonate with them, they may want to create their own. Or they may want to skip the cards altogether and give each classmate a very small toy instead. Do not wait until February 13th to have your child get their Valentine's cards ready. Young children have short attention spans. They will likely struggle to sit for an extended period of time in attempts to prepare Valentine's Day cards for their classmates. Also, younger children are just learning how to write their name, which means that it will take them longer to sign those cards. Make sure to schedule some time to sit with your child while they address the Valentine's Day cards. Put your phone away and be fully present with your child during this process. If your child is a little older, you may want to ask them why they chose a card they did for a particular classmate. This provides an opportunity for conversation. It's important to understand that some classrooms may ban outside food. This is not a bad approach. In fact, it is an important step in promoting safety. Childhood food allergies are on the rise, and we all need to do our part to keep our children safe. As children approach middle school, they may no longer have classroom Valentines Day parties, and the policy of providing a valentine to everyone in the classroom may not apply. How do we help our pre-teens and young adolescents navigate Valentine's Day? If your child is given a Valentine's gift that they did not want, they can decline that gift. Remind your child that they do not have to accept a gift from someone that they don't like. There is a way to do this in a respectful manner. Expressing appreciation is important, as is being honest and polite. For example, you could suggest that your child say thank you for thinking of me, but I really cannot accept this valentine. It's best if they have such a conversation in private, away from a crowd of people, to minimize the potential awkwardness. What if our child wants to give a Valentine's gift to their crush? We certainly don't want to discourage children from putting themselves out there. In fact, it's a good idea to praise them for their courage. However, it may be helpful to have a conversation about how that person may react to the gift. During that conversation, you could suggest several different scenarios. For example, you could ask your child, do you think that they will like the gift? What do you think that they will say to you or that gift is beautiful. But have you thought about what to do? If she doesn't want it? Remind your child that you are not trying to be a buzzkill. You just want to help them consider the potential outcomes. Valentine's day often takes on heightened importance during the teenage years. Whether or not a teenager has a date for Valentine's Day, and whether or not a teenager is in a romantic relationship can affect their self-esteem. For those who don't have a date, they may be prone to feelings of loneliness or rejection. And unfortunately, some teenagers enjoy pointing out someone's status as a single person. It may be helpful to remind teenagers that Valentine's Day is overhyped. Let's be real. If loving, deep relationships were based on flowers and chocolate, we would all have a problem. If your child does not have a date for Valentine's Day, let them know that they are no less valued. Teenagers tend to catastrophize and they may extrapolate their weightlessness as a sign that they will never be in a committed romantic relationship. As adults, we know this is not the case. It may help to verbalize this to our teenagers. Remind them of their inherent value. If your teenager does not have a Valentine's Day date, you may want to suggest that they invite some friends over. Emphasize the importance of friendships over romance. After all, the strongest romantic relationships are based on a deep friendship. If their friends have other plans, you may want to offer to take your teen out to dinner, or pop some popcorn and put on a movie that you can watch together. If your child does have a date for Valentine's Day, make sure to help them set realistic expectations. Remind your child that Valentine's Day does not need to break the bank. They do not need to buy their date a dozen red roses or take them out to an expensive steakhouse. Society has turned Valentine's Day into a day that is all is all about stuff flowers, candy, jewelry. But it doesn't have to be that way. It's important to remind teenagers that dates are supposed to be fun, and that they should never engage in a behavior that they do not feel comfortable with. If your teenager is involved in a romantic relationship, please do not diminish their feelings. They may truly believe that the other person is the love of their life. They may fantasize about their future with this person. Let them don't criticize their relationship or their significant other. Be supportive and understanding. The week or two before Valentine's Day is an excellent time to have conversations with your teenagers about dating, relationships, and sex. The exact conversations will depend on your child's past and current relationship history. The point of these conversations is not to be intrusive. Rather, such conversations are meant to check in with your child's feelings and to do your best to ensure their safety. Let your teenager know that you would like to have a private conversation with them about relationships together. Determine the best date and time to have such a discussion. Successful conversations with teenagers about dating, relationships, and sex. Start with a non-judgmental question. How are you feeling about your upcoming date with Sam? Or it's about to be your six month anniversary with Charlie. Are you two doing anything special? Or maybe it seems like your relationship with Avery is getting serious. It's normal to start thinking about sex. Have you two talked about it again? The exact question is going to depend on your teenagers current and past dating and relationship history. Once you ask your teen a question, make sure to actively listen. If your child is evasive or does not engage, explain your reason for having such a conversation. Saying something to the effect of I care about your feelings, or I just want to do everything that I can to help you stay safe. Are some suggestions. Some teenagers tend to romanticize their relationships, which puts them at risk for staying in a relationship that does not serve them. It's important that your child know they should feel comfortable with the person that they are dating. They should be able to be themselves around that person. At the same time, it is important that parents and teenagers be aware of the signs of an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, teenagers are not immune to domestic violence. Such violence may be physical, emotional, or sexual, and may involve verbal or digital abuse. A significant other should not be constantly critical or make you feel bad about yourself. A significant other should not keep you away from family or friends. They should not ask to check your phone messages, troll you on social media, or hurt you in any way. They will not force you to do things that you do not want to do, nor will they threaten you or your family if you break up. On the other hand, healthy relationships involve mutual trust and respect, equality and safety. Healthy relationships can take time to build and communication between partners is essential. Were you wondering when I was going to address the elephant in the room? Let's talk about sex. According to the CDC, more than half of teenagers in the United States of America have had sexual intercourse by the time they are 18 years old. As uncomfortable as it may seem, we need to talk to our kids about sex and do so far before they consider engaging in sexual activities. Consent, safe sex and sexually transmitted infections are all topics that need to be discussed. And if the thought of having the sex talk with your child scares the crap out of you, I get it. Make sure to stay tuned and I promise I will break it all down for you in an upcoming episode. Valentine's day is more than just a holiday filled with candy, flowers, and hearts. It's an opportunity to teach our children about kindness, inclusion, and healthy relationships at every stage of their development. Whether they're handing out Valentines in elementary school, navigating friendships in middle school, or experiencing the highs and lows of romantic relationships in their teenage years. Our role as parents is to guide, support and keep the conversation open. Love, in all its forms should be rooted in respect, honesty, and connection. Not just on February 14th, but every day. So as this Valentine's Day approaches, let's focus less on the commercialized stuff and more on what truly matters. Helping our children understand the meaning of love, friendship, and self-worth. Stay tuned. And as always, keep parenting the child you have with love and intention.