How Does Attachment Shape Our Children's Development?

In this episode of MomDoc Talk, Kristen delves into the concept of attachment in early childhood development. She shares personal anecdotes about her daughter to illustrate how infants and toddlers exhibit attachment behaviors towards their primary caregivers. Kristen emphasizes that attachment is a biologically driven process essential for a child's survival and development, not a matter of favoritism or love. The discussion highlights the importance of secure attachment, explaining how it influences a child's social, emotional, and cognitive growth. The episode aims to reassure parents about their roles and the natural behaviors of children as they form attachments.

• Concept of attachment in early childhood development
• Personal anecdotes illustrating attachment behaviors in children
• Importance of secure attachment for emotional and cognitive development
• Biological basis of attachment and its role in child survival
• Differentiation between primary and secondary attachment figures
• Common feelings of jealousy or rejection among caregivers
• Understanding attachment behaviors and their implications
• Types of attachment: secure vs. insecure
• Strategies for promoting secure attachment in children
• Long-term effects of attachment on relationships and emotional health

The information in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitution for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider for medical issues. All the opinions are of Dr. Kristen Cook and do not reflect the opinions of her employer nor the hospitals she is affiliated with. The authors and publishers of this podcast do not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, or consequences of using the information provided.

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Transcript

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When my daughter Savannah was a young toddler, I jokingly referred to her as my barnacle. Barnacles are a type of crustaceans related to lobsters and crabs. They permanently attached themselves to other animals, boats, or even rocks. When they get settled, they build plates made of calcium carbonate around themselves for protection. They remain attached to that surface for the rest of their lives for a period of time. Savannah was attached to me literally and figuratively. If she didn't want to be separated from me, she would grab one of my legs and hang on for dear life. If she was hungry, she asked me for a snack. Even if I was upstairs and my husband was within reach of the pantry. If she needed a cuddle, she would always find my lap for that period of time. She wanted me to do everything for her. Have you ever wondered if your child had a favorite parent? Have you ever felt jealous because your child only wanted your significant other to give her a bath and put her to bed. Or have you ever felt resentful because you feel like you have to do everything for your child? If so, you are not alone. I promise your infant does not have a favorite parent. I know what you may be thinking, but my son cries if I try to hold him when my wife is around. He sobs and reaches for her. Surely he loves her more than he loves me. Or my daughter has a massive temper tantrum whenever I try to feed her. Yet she accepts food from her dad with a smile on her face. What am I doing wrong? Parents, the answer is nothing. Absolutely nothing. You are doing nothing wrong. One of the earliest emotional connections created between a caregiver and a child is called attachment. Attachment develops through the emotions and actions demonstrated by a caregiver towards an infant. In fact, attachment is not just a concept. It has a significant impact on how a child will socialize with other children and adults. How they explore the world around them, and even how they will behave in relationships much later in life. Attachment is the reason that a child appears to have a favorite parent. Attachment is the reason that young children act irrationally when they are separated from a caregiver. It's not about favorites. It's not about love. It's about a biologically driven process called attachment. Infants are neurologically wired to form attachments with others. From an evolutionary standpoint, attachment is essential for an infant to survive. They look to others to meet their basic physical and emotional needs because they are pretty helpless in meeting their own needs. Attachments develop through everyday interactions with caregivers who assist the infant in getting their needs met. However, it's not enough to simply attend a physical needs such as providing food and changing diapers. The essence of attachment is emotion. This means that the quality of attachment varies based on how well a caregiver is able to respond to the child's nonverbal cues. The quality of these early relationships is essential. An attachment has huge implications for social, emotional, and cognitive development. Let me summarize. Infants have needs. They look to their caregivers to meet those needs. Yet they lack the ability to say, hey, mom, I'm starving. Get me a bottle or hey, dad, change me. My butt is covered with poop, or I'm lonely and I want you to snuggle me until six months of age. Infants will coo, cry, smile, or scream to get almost anyone's attention, and attempts to get their needs met. At this young age, it doesn't matter if mom or a grandparent or a daycare teacher changes their diaper, they just want the poop to be cleaned up. Similarly, when an infant is hungry, they will take a bottle from anyone who is willing to feed them. They slowly begin to differentiate between different caregivers. This sets the foundation for attachment figures or people who infants attached to. After six months of age, the attachment figure gains importance. At first, there is only one primary attachment figure. And ladies, if you are breastfeeding, you are most likely going to be that primary attachment figure you are providing your child's nutrition, which is one of the most important needs that have to be met. Do I want you to stop breastfeeding? Of course not. I just want you to understand that you will likely become your child's primary attachment figure. Yet, it's important to note that formula fed infants will often assign Mom to the primary attachment figure role as well. Around ten months of age. Infants often have several attachment figures. They arrange these figures in a hierarchical manner. Some attachments will be stronger than others. It is very common for infants and young toddlers to cling to their attachment figures and cry when a non non-attachment figure approaches. This hierarchy of attachment figures is the reason that people assume a child has a favorite caregiver. Again, it's not about favorites. It's not about love. This is so important that I'm going to say it again in a slightly different way. Your child does not love their attachment figures more than any other people in their lives. I have had many parents, grandparents, and close family friends in my medical practice who are completely distraught because a child cried when separated from their primary attachment figure. This usually happens when a loved one wants to hold a child who subsequently starts crying and reaching for their primary attachment figure. This is not an indication of a lack of love or rejection. Yet I understand how it may seem that way. When Savannah identified me as her primary attachment figure, my husband Chad was hurt by her behaviors. It's hard not to be. But please do not take such behaviors personally. Remember, the drive to form attachments is hardwired into our child's brains. It is a biologically driven evolutionary process. Every time your infant or toddler reacts to separation from their primary attachment figure, I encourage you to refer to such actions as attachment behaviors. This terminology helps neutralize those behaviors. If your child screams for 30 minutes after mom leaves the home to run errands. That's an attachment behavior. If your child cries when grandma holds her, that's an attachment behavior. My hope is that when you can identify a child's actions as an attachment behavior, it takes the emotional sting out of it. This, of course, is more beneficial for caregivers who are not the primary attachment figure, while anyone who is not the primary attachment figure may feel left out. Please understand that the primary attachment figure may be feeling a lot of stress. Being the primary attachment figure for a child can be exhausting. The primary attachment figure did not ask to be put in that position. And they may not like being the go to person for every single need a child has. It can be hard for the primary attachment figure to ask for help, because they do not want to do anything that may make the other caregiver child relationship more challenging. Honestly, there were days when I wished Savannah would stop touching me. I longed to go to the bathroom without her barging in or pounding on a locked door. Parents, don't worry. As long as young children develop a secure attachment, their attachment behaviors will decrease over time. I'm happy to report that it has been years since Savannah followed me into the bathroom. That, of course, is assuming that young children develop secure attachments. Psychologist John Bowlby is credited with developing a theory of attachment. He determined that there are two main types of attachment styles secure and insecure. A secure attachment is the result of an infant who has a caregiver that is warmly and consistently responsive to their needs. This leads to a child who feels understood and safe. They believe in the goodness of relationships. Secure attachment has profound impact on neurocognitive development. Secure attachment enables a child to develop a sense of trust and sets a foundation for the development of empathy, emotional regulation, self-awareness, problem solving skills, and social skills. There are several behaviors that caregivers can demonstrate in order to encourage the development of a secure attachment. Respond to a child's wants and needs in a timely manner. Be consistent and reliable. Demonstrate warmth and compassion. Allow a child to have the freedom to explore while observing from a safe distance. Praising a child for who they are rather than what they do. Insecure attachment occurs when infants perceive that their physical, Emotional and social needs are not mad. As a result, these kids will grow up expecting that the relationships that they develop with others will involve some type of harm or abandonment. There are three categories of insecure attachment avoidant, disorganized, and ambivalent. Mary Ainsworth is credited with describing these attachment styles. Unfortunately, if a child does not develop a secure attachment style within the first few years of their life, they never will. Here's an example of how this plays out. Eight month old Henry does not sleep through the night. He wakes up once between the hours of 1 a.m. and 2 a.m. because he wants to eat. Once he finishes nursing or finishes a bottle, he quickly falls back to sleep. Mom has been waking up in order to provide said nutrition, but started to question herself when her mother in law determined that she was spoiling her child by providing food in the middle of the of the night. Continuing to feed Henry in the middle of the night encourages secure attachment. Routinely ignoring the cries of a hungry infant will lead to insecure attachment. Please remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. If you assume your child is crying because they need a diaper change only to find a dry diaper, you are not alone. If your child wants a snuggle and you make them wait because your hands are covered in raw meat because you are cooking dinner, that's okay. Do not panic about the sporadic incidents when your child's needs are not met in a timely manner. Meeting needs is all about being consistent. Not perfect. As infants mature into toddlers, they are much more mobile. They are able to walk or run away from an attachment figure in order to explore their world. Yet they look to that attachment figure as a safe base to return to when they feel threatened or need comfort. Younger children with secure attachment tend to demonstrate certain behaviors. They like to explore the world around them. They are comfortable around others, but prefer to be around their attachment figures. They seek attention and comfort from their attachment figures. They are independent. They develop strong social skills such as cooperation, compassion, taking turns and sharing. As they get older, they develop secure attachments with friends. Attachment is not limited to a child caregiver relationship. An attachment does not end in childhood. Attachments continue to be important throughout a person's life and well into adulthood. Children who have secure attachments in the early childhood years are more likely to develop secure attachments as older children and adults. The relationship with the primary attachment figure provides a framework for future relationship expectations. Kids who have experienced secure attachments early in life will have an easier time developing friendships and other romantic relationships later in life. Be warm. Be nurturing. Be attentive to your child's needs and respond to those needs in a timely and emotionally responsive manner. Rest assured, none of these behaviors mean that you are spoiling your child. As parents, can we predict the future? Of course not. But there are attachment related behaviors that we can be on the lookout for as our kids get older. Children who have developed secure attachments will trust others. Communicate effectively. Be able to be comfortable with closeness. Seek emotional support from others. Feel valued and worthy of love, and don't fear being alone. If your children are older and you are suddenly panicking about whether or not they have secure attachment, please take a deep breath. Parents and caregivers who contribute to any of the three insecure attachment styles don't question their parenting techniques, and they certainly don't listen to parenting podcasts. as you navigate the ups and downs of parenting. Remember this attachment is not about favorites, and it's certainly not a contest. It's a powerful, biologically driven process that helps shape your child's emotional world. By responding with warmth, consistency, and love, you are building a foundation that will support them for a lifetime. The clingy toddler who won't let you go, the child who cries when you leave, or the one who seeks you out for comfort. These are all signs that you are their safe haven. And one day, when they confidently step out into the world, forming healthy relationships and embracing life's challenges, you'll know that your love and dedication helped get them there. So take a deep breath, trust the process, and know that you're doing an incredible job. Routinely ignoring the cries of a hungry infant will lead to insecure attachment.