How Can Effective Praise Transform Your Parenting Approach?

In this episode of MomDoc Talk, Kristen discusses the critical role of effective praise in parenting. She emphasizes how specific, immediate, genuine, realistic, and effort-focused praise can motivate children, reinforce positive behaviors, and reduce unwanted actions. Kristen warns against the negative effects of empty or excessive praise, which can harm self-esteem and create entitlement. She highlights the importance of combining praise with expressions of gratitude to strengthen the parent-child relationship. The episode serves as a practical guide for parents to use praise intentionally, fostering resilience and a growth mindset in their children.

• Importance of effective praise in parenting
• Role of praise in motivating children and reinforcing positive behaviors
• Characteristics of effective praise: specific, immediate, genuine, realistic, and effort-focused
• Negative effects of empty or excessive praise
• Strategies for providing specific and immediate praise
• Importance of genuine and realistic praise to avoid mixed messages
• Focus on effort rather than just outcomes to foster a growth mindset
• Risks of over-praising and creating entitlement in children
• Reflection on praise habits and striving for consistency
• Benefits of combining praise with expressions of gratitude to strengthen parent-child relationships

The information in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitution for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider for medical issues. All the opinions are of Dr. Kristen Cook and do not reflect the opinions of her employer nor the hospitals she is affiliated with. The authors and publishers of this podcast do not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, or consequences of using the information provided.

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Transcript

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When our children act in a manner that we don't like, we often tell them to stop. Don't eat that cookie. Don't speak to me like that. Don't watch that video on YouTube. And then we get frustrated when the unwanted behavior continues. Maybe it's time to take a different approach. Most of us underestimate the power of praise. Praises the expression of approval or admiration. Yet providing praise that creates positive impact is an art form. Effective praise can be a huge motivator, encouraging children to continue desired behaviors and helping to diminish unwanted behaviors. Effective praise has several features. It is specific. It is given immediately after a desired behavior occurs. It is genuine. It is realistic. It focuses on effort rather than outcome. Let's go through each of these characteristics in detail. Specific praise involves verbalizing exactly what your child did well. It's not enough to say good job when you notice your child sharing her toys. It's important to say something along the lines of good job sharing your blocks with Emma. Sharing is a kind behavior. This helps your child to understand the exact behavior you are proud of. The younger a child, the shorter their attention span, which is why it is important to praise a desired behavior immediately after it occurs, whenever possible. If the behavior is something that your child recently started to demonstrate, it's important to praise it every single time it happens. When the behavior occurs on a more regular basis, you can back off to more sporadic praise. Sporadic praise is the essence of the concept. Catch them being good. Let's go through an example. Potty training is a huge area of concern for the parents of toddlers in my medical practice, and for good reason. It's an incredible feeling not to have to spend money on diapers during the initial stages of potty training. It's important to praise a child every single time that child pees on the potty in our house. A successful potty training attempt included the exclamation, I am so proud of you for peeing on the potty! Followed by giving a mini marshmallow. The mini marshmallow was not my or my husband's idea. It was a practice that originated at our child's daycare. To be consistent, we decided to continue this practice at home. After a few months of successful pees on the potty, my husband and I backed off on the praise. The marshmallows were abandoned and the praise became intermittent. It has been years since my husband and I have praised our children for successfully using the toilet, yet the behaviors continue. Effective praises. Genuine being genuine involves being specific and actually meaning what you say. Why is this important? Because kids can spot insincerity a mile away. Telling your child, I am so proud of you for trying broccoli as you place your untouched broccoli into the garbage can will not go unnoticed. Likewise exclaiming thank you so much for using your indoor voice. If you routinely yell at your child will be confusing. Furthermore, genuine praise occurs in response to a child's actions. This is so important that I'm going to say it again in a slightly different way. Effective praise does not occur out of the blue. It is in response to a specific action taken by a child. Effective praises. Realistic. If your child does well in a spelling test. Please don't tell them you are the smartest kid in the world. Let's be honest, that's probably not true and it can lead to problems in the future, which I will discuss soon. Likewise, if your child scores the winning basket during their basketball game, please do not say you are the most awesome basketball player ever. Rather, it's best to say you have been practicing really hard. Congratulations! Because this is a sign of the effort that you have been putting into practice. As I just alluded to, it's important to focus on the effort your child demonstrates rather than focusing on talent or a particular outcome. Focusing on the effort helps a child to develop a growth mindset. A growth mindset views talents and abilities as skills that can be learned over time. For example, Saying you earned an A on your spelling test because of the time you spent studying your spelling words. Or you have been practicing your baking skills so well, I cannot wait for you to make those muffins. These phrases foster the development of a growth mindset. Let me summarize. The most effective praises genuine. It focuses on the effort a child demonstrates and occurs in response to a specific action. Are there praise related behaviors that can actually harm our child's development? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. When praise is not genuine and realistic, it can negatively affect a child's self-esteem. Empty praise refers to praise that is not connected to effort or actions. Saying good job, clever kid or you are so amazing can actually do more harm than good. Empty praise may lead to a child who does not understand their true abilities. They don't understand what they did well or how they could improve. This may lead to insecurity. They may stop trying out of fear of failure or coming across as fake. When praise focuses on a child's achievements, it may lead to a child losing interest in a certain activity. This is especially true if a parent starts to view a child's achievements as their own. Think of a child who loves to draw. Her mom excessively praises a piece of art that the child brought home from school. She hangs it on the refrigerator and make sure that all guests to the home have a chance to admire it. She goes so far as to tell people. She goes so far as to tell people she gets her artistic abilities from me. That child will quickly lose interest in art. In addition, a focus on greatness often leads to a child who wants to prove that they are the best. And if they sense that they won't be the best, it's possible that kids will avoid opportunities to be challenged and to learn. The child may develop a fear of failure. On the other hand, if a child is repeatedly provided with overexaggerated praise, they may develop an inflated sense of self. This can also occur if a child is overpriced, which I will discuss soon. As children grow older, the need for praise to encourage positive behavior lessens. Older children don't need praise to act as a motivation to complete their homework, eat their vegetables, or go to bed on time. In fact, praise for such behaviors may backfire. Older children may question their motivation and allow their parents to become overinvolved. This may lead a desired behavior to actually decrease over time. Please do not take this to mean that older children do not benefit from praise. They absolutely do. However, older children do not need the external motivation that praise provides in order to demonstrate certain behaviors. Remember the potty training example? Do you know anyone who praises their 11 year old for peeing on the potty? When a parent provides excessive praise, especially when the praise is empty, it is called over praising. Over praising kids can potentially lead to a sense of entitlement. Entitlement involves a belief that a person deserves special treatment or that the world owes them something. People with a sense of entitlement don't have an appreciation for hard work. This may lead to a belief that life should be easy, and if a parent steps in to alter the environment when a challenge arises. Yikes. Let me give you an example. Let's say that a teenager recently landed a job as a lifeguard. In addition to monitoring the activities around the pool, the job also entails cleaning the pool. Said teenager does not want to clean the pool, so he calls his mom, who proceeds to call the manager and demand that her child receive special treatment. In addition to entitlement, overpromising may lead to decreased self-esteem again. When children question the sincerity of the praise that they receive, they may wonder if they actually deserve that praise. This can lead to insecurity and self-doubt. If you are unsure if you are over praising your child, take some time to think about the quality of praise that you provide. Is your praise excessive, non-specific, and not associated with the child's behavior or actions? If so, you may have some work to do. On the other hand, if the majority of your praises genuine focuses on your child's effort and occurs in response to a child's behavior or actions. Congratulations! You are providing effective praise that can lead to positive behavioral changes. Are there times when we as parents let out the occasional great job or you're awesome? Of course, no one does this parenting thing perfectly. The importance is consistency. To me, if you provide effective praise at least 80 to 85% of the time, you are a quality praise rock star. Please let that sink in. Strive for consistency, not perfection. Lean into that 80 to 85% concept. It's important to note that praise can do more than encourage kids to behave in positive ways. Praise can strengthen parent child relationships. In my experience, this is especially true if the praise involves gratitude. There are numerous studies that demonstrate the benefits of gratitude. Expressions of gratitude may increase feelings of happiness, empathy, and increase self-esteem. Did you know that you can actually combine praise with an expression of gratitude? I have to be honest, this is high level parenting that involves a lot of patience and a lot of practice. Yet, for completeness, I'm going to give you some examples. I have made it a point to tell my children I am so grateful to be your mom. I try to link that statement to a specific situation or event. For example, if my daughter draws me a picture, I tend to say something to the effect of I love this picture. It looks like you worked really hard on it. Thank you so much for this gift and I am so lucky to be your mom. Not only does this provide effective praise. It specifically mentions the gratitude that I have for my children. Yet at the same time, I do not want my children to associate my praise with my gratitude for being their mom. Meaning, I don't want them to believe that I am only grateful to be their mom when I praise their behavior. Which is why my praise phrase is distinct from my gratitude phrase. Let's break it down. I love this picture. It looks like you worked really hard on it is an effective praise phrase. Thank you so much for this gift and I am so lucky to be your mom is a gratitude phrase. Let's go through another example. My son plays baseball and I want to encourage his endeavors. I often tell him I am so grateful to be able to watch you play a sport you love. I am proud of the effort that you have put into catching and hitting the gratitude phrases. I am so grateful to be able to watch you play a sport you love. The praise phrase is I am proud of the effort that you have put into hitting and catching. This combination of praise and gratitude can be incredibly powerful, but again, it takes intention and a lot of practice. As this episode comes to a close. Remember that praise is more than just words. It's a powerful tool that shapes behavior, builds confidence, and strengthens the parent child bond. By being intentional with our praise. Keeping it genuine, specific, and focused on effort, we can nurture resilience and a growth mindset in our children. And when we weave gratitude into our praise, we reinforce the deep connection we share with them. Parenting isn't about perfection, but about consistency and intention. So the next time you catch your child doing something great. Take a moment to recognize it, because those small moments of encouragement can make all the difference.