Are You Tired of Feeling Guilty About Parenting Choices?

In this episode of "MomDoc Talk," Kristen Cook, a pediatrician and parenting expert, addresses common feelings of guilt that mothers experience. She discusses five specific guilt trips: not breastfeeding or stopping early, using a pacifier after age two, public meltdowns, not wanting to volunteer at school, and not being excited about after-school activities. Kristen emphasizes that mothers should prioritize their well-being and their children's happiness over societal expectations. She reassures mothers that their choices do not define their parenting success and encourages them to embrace their journey without guilt.

• Common feelings of guilt experienced by mothers in parenting.
• The importance of prioritizing children's well-being over societal expectations.
• The concept of "fed is best" regarding infant feeding choices.
• The debate surrounding the use of pacifiers beyond age two.
• Understanding and managing public meltdowns in children.
• The pressure to volunteer at school and the importance of setting boundaries.
• The emotional complexities of supporting children's extracurricular activities.
• The impact of societal expectations on maternal guilt.
• Encouragement for mothers to embrace their individuality in parenting.
• Strategies for managing and reducing feelings of guilt in motherhood.

The information in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitution for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider for medical issues. All the opinions are of Dr. Kristen Cook and do not reflect the opinions of her employer nor the hospitals she is affiliated with. The authors and publishers of this podcast do not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, or consequences of using the information provided.

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Transcript

0:00

Welcome back to Mom Talk, where I help you parent the child that you have and help you leave all the guilt, shame, and Pinterest perfect nonsense at the door. For those of you who are listening for the first time. Thank you so much for being here. I'm Doctor Kristen Cook, pediatrician, parenting expert, and today your official guilt stopper because in this episode, we're calling out the things moms feel guilty about and the things that we need to let go of. So grab your coffee, toss aside that to do list, and let's talk about five things that you never, ever need to feel bad about ever again. Guilt trip number one. Not breastfeeding or not loving it, or stopping early or never starting. Let me just go ahead and say it. Fed is best. I don't care if it came from the breast, the bottle, the pump or the formula aisle at target. If your baby is fed, growing, and loved. You're doing it right. Yes, breast milk has many benefits, but so does your sanity. So does your baby. Having a mom who is emotionally functional, so does not. Having a mom who is crying through every single feeding. We've created a culture where breastfeeding is treated like a moral virtue, and that's a hard no for me. If you're combo feeding, exclusively pumping, using formula, or stopped breastfeeding because you just couldn't anymore, you're a good mom. Period. Breastfeeding is touted as a beautiful bonding experience and is something that happens naturally. It hurts my mama heart that prenatal discussions about breastfeeding set mom up for unrealistic expectations. In reality, breastfeeding can have many challenges. Infections such as mastitis, nipples that are too large to latch onto, and low breast milk supply are more common than most people realize. when I was pregnant with my son, I was determined to exclusively breastfeed him until six months of age. That is the recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics, and as a pediatrician, I expected myself to follow those recommendations. But life does not always go according to plan. Mason was born premature and latched only once in his entire life. I was a little bummed, but thought, that's okay, I'll just pump. He'll still be getting the good stuff either way. And things went pretty well while I was on maternity leave. But when my son was seven weeks old, I returned to work full time.

I would wake up at 3: 2:34

30 a.m., pump for 30 minutes, feed Mason, go down into our basement to exercise because I was determined to make the impossible happen and regain my pre-baby body. Back drive to work. Pump as soon as I got there, see patients all day, pump at lunchtime and right before I left for the day. Drive home, pump, eat dinner, spend time with my son and husband. Pump and feed Mason before putting him to bed. Pump again before I went to bed. Set an alarm for midnight so I could pump again and feed my baby when he woke up and start the cycle all over again. My friends, I kept this insane schedule for months to say that I was completely exhausted and stressed out as an understatement. It got to the point where I would pump for 45 minutes, only to get a quarter of an ounce of breast milk. Finally, one night, my amazing husband looked at me and firmly said, you're done. It was a huge relief. Now please don't take this to mean that I don't value breastfeeding. I'm a pediatrician, so of course I do. For the families in my medical practice who choose to breastfeed, I provide them with every resource that is available to help them be successful. But at the same time, I want families to understand that formula is not evil formula is not poison. It is a nutritious way to feed an infant if mom cannot or simply chooses not to breastfeed. I have two simple caveats to feed is best. Do not try to make your own formula. I have reported several chiropractors who post infant formula recipes online. These recipes are potentially deadly. In addition, do not buy someone else's breast milk from a social media site. I have known families who have done both and the infants have suffered tremendously. I promise you, no college admissions counselor will ever ask if your child was breastfed or formula fed. No future employer will ever ask your child how they were fed when they were little. If you are a mom who is trying to breastfeed and are experiencing challenges, give yourself some grace. And if you are a mom who becomes fixated on how you somehow screwed up your child because they received formula. Know that you didn't focus on the ways in which your child is happy, healthy, and thriving. Guilt trip number two. Still using a pacifier after age two. Ah, the great binky debate. Look, the American Academy of Pediatrics says ditch it by age two to avoid dental issues, and that's great. But you know what else is great? Sleep. Peace. Sanity. Silence. If your two year old is still attached to their pastie like its security badge, you are not failing. You are managing. And eventually they'll give it up. Preferably not during a pandemic, a vacation, or a potty training week. I promise you, your child will not take their pacifier to high school with them. My daughter used her pacifier until she was four and a half years old after she turned two, she was only allowed to have it for bedtime. She treated her pacifier like a treasured friend. Each night as we were taking her into bed, she cradled that pacifier and said, oh, nookie. How was your day? We eventually told her that elf on the shelf needed to take her cookies and give them to babies who needed them. That resonated with her, and when she was finally ready to let it go, there were no tears. It's important to note that Savannah never struggled with speech or dental issues. By the way, pediatric dentistry does exist. So does gentle weaning. And until then, pop that passion and carry on. Pacifiers are not evil. In fact, for many children they are important attachment items. But once a child turns two years old, please try to limit pacifier use to bedtime and maybe nap time. It may help to try to eliminate the past once every six months. But I promise you, they will eventually stop using a pacifier. You just need to understand your child and find a strategy that works for them. Guilt trip number three. Your child having a meltdown in public. This one is for every mom who has ever carried a flailing toddler out of target like a sack of potatoes. Let me say this with love. Your child's meltdown is not a reflection of your parenting. It's a reflection of your child being a child. In a previous episode on Mom Talk with Doctor Kristen Cook, I discussed how temper tantrums are an expression of an overwhelmed brain. Lean into that concept and please relisten to that episode if you need to. You didn't make your child have big feelings. They're just having them. And sure, people might stare, but guess what? You're not raising your kid for those people. You're raising them to be resilient, emotionally aware, and eventually not the person crying on the floor over the wrong kind of granola bar. Ignore the stares. Rebuke the so-called helpful advice that strangers feel compelled to give even when it is unwanted. Undesired behaviors, such as temper tantrums, are an expression of an overwhelmed brain. Kids who have meltdowns are not intentionally trying to misbehave. So let your kids have that meltdown. Make sure the environment around them is safe and ignore their behavior until they self-regulate. Don't chastise them for their behavior, but briefly explain how they can demonstrate a more desired behavior in the future, and then walk out of that store like the queen you are. Guilt trip for not wanting to volunteer at school. You don't want to join the PTA? Same. You're not thrilled to make 75 cookies for the school's bake sale. Exhale. Me too. I love my kids fiercely, and I support every single endeavor that helps my children to thrive. But I have limits. I want you to set limits, too. Just because you love your child does not mean you have to love every single thing about parenting. And just because you love your child does not mean that you have to love every single thing associated with their school. You're allowed to support them without living at the school or joining the fundraising team. When Mason was in kindergarten, he was enrolled in a private school, which meant that each family had to donate a specified number of hours of volunteer work per year or pay an opt out fee. Initially, I wanted to meet other families and I wanted to be a part of the school community, so I signed up for a volunteer position. The other volunteers and I were tasked with putting together gift baskets for a raffle in what was essentially a large shed on the school property. We were happily putting together gift baskets for over an hour, but when a rat ran out above our heads, I knocked out and I never volunteered again. Take my money instead. If you love spending time volunteering at your kid's school, bless you! There are certain aspects that I enjoy too. And please understand that this is not an all or none situation. I personally really enjoy being the mom that volunteers for my kids holiday parties. But whether you love to volunteer or you despise it, own it my friends, and do not apologize. In fact, one of my friends love spending time at our kids school so much that during a school auction, she won a designated parking spot at the school. I was insanely happy for her. Yet most volunteering is not just for me. Know that it's okay to be the field trip mom once a year. It's okay to bring store bought cookies to the bake sale. It's okay to sign up for napkins instead of a fruit platter. Nobody's giving out parenting extra credit for glitter. You are already doing plenty. You don't need a lanyard and a clipboard to prove it. Guilt trip number five. Not being excited about your child's after school activities. Let's talk about extracurricular guilt. If I had a dollar for every mom who said I should be more excited about dance, karate, soccer. I could buy everyone matching folding chairs for the sidelines. You can love your kid and not love their Tuesday evening chess tournament. You can be supportive of your child's passion for basketball without being thrilled to spend every single Saturday at a poorly lit gym with bleachers that were made by Satan. Aiden. I know you know what I'm talking about. Those bleachers make your butt go numb after a few minutes, and you pray for relief. You're human. The truth is that your presence matters more than your enthusiasm. Trust me. Your child notices that you are there. Not that you aren't screaming from the stands like a sports parent possessed. That being said, please make sure to support your child even if you don't love the activity. When I was a kid, I loved to figure skate. When I was about ten years old, I took lessons on a Saturday morning while my mom was at work. My dad took me to those lessons. He used to read a newspaper while I was skating. For the younger generations, that's essentially doomscrolling on a smartphone. If he wasn't reading the newspaper, he took my younger brother to the hockey locker rooms to look for hockey pucks. How I longed for him to watch me skate, to pay attention. To be present. Then to be proud of me. You don't have to love baseball in order to support your child's dream of becoming a Division one college pitcher. But please pay attention. Be present. Despite your lack of interest, at the center of all of this guilt is a fear that we are not good enough for our children. In my experience, parental guilt is felt much more strongly by moms because society holds moms to higher parenting standards. We are expected to do it all. Be all things for all people and look good while we're doing it. If you have ever thought I'm such a bad mom, I can't believe I lost my temper and yelled. I don't spend enough time with my kids. You are experiencing mom guilt and you are not alone. Moms, at times we are drowning in guilt. Guilt for not doing enough. Guilt for doing too much. Guilt for not enjoying every single minute of parenting, and guilt for saying out loud that sometimes parenting is really hard. But here's the truth. You are allowed to be a whole person, a whole woman, a whole mom. Not a Stepford version, not a TikTok perfect one. Just a human who loves her kids and is doing the best that she can. So let's start decreasing the guilt and start claiming our power. You don't have to love every moment. You just have to love your kid. And that I'm quite certain that you're already doing that. In this episode, I focused on five things that parents do not need to feel guilty about. Are there other aspects of parenting that you do not need to feel guilty about? Of course, mom guilt is very real and at times it can be crippling. And if I had a magic wand, I would wave it over you and make sure that all of your mom guilt went away and never returned. I hate to tell you this, but my belief is that we cannot eliminate mom guilt. However, we can learn how to turn down the volume. We can learn how not to let the guilt consume us. We can learn how to take that guilt from a level ten intensity down to a more reasonable 2 or 3. And I would love if you would go to my website, Kristen Cook imdb.com and download my free guide, The Ultimate Guide to Understanding and Managing Mom Guilt. I know it will change your life. Thanks for being here today. If this episode made you laugh or just made you breathe a little easier, please send it to a friend and remind her to. She's doing just fine. Until next time. I'm Doctor Kristen Cook and I'm excited to see you on the next episode of Mom Doc Talk.