Are You Making This Common Parenting Mistake With Your Child’s Friends?

In this episode of MomDoc Talk, Kristen, a pediatrician and parenting expert, addresses what parents can do when they dislike their child’s friends. She offers age-specific strategies for preschoolers through teenagers, focusing on teaching kids to recognize healthy friendships, set boundaries, and handle peer pressure. Kristen also discusses how to support teens in romantic relationships, including recognizing signs of unhealthy or abusive dynamics. Throughout, she emphasizes open communication, modeling values, and empowering children to make wise choices, rather than banning friendships outright. The episode aims to help parents raise confident, self-aware kids with strong relationship skills.

What you'll learn:

• Challenges parents face regarding their child's friendships
• Strategies for handling friendships across different age groups (preschoolers, early school-age, late school-age, teenagers)
• Importance of teaching children about healthy friendships and setting boundaries
• Techniques for addressing peer pressure without banning friendships
• Guidance on recognizing and navigating teenage romantic relationships
• Signs of unhealthy or abusive relationships in teenagers
• The role of parents in supporting children through social dynamics
• Emphasizing the development of self-worth and emotional intelligence in children
• Encouraging open communication between parents and children
• Building a foundation for healthy relationships and conflict resolution skills

Podcast Disclaimer

The information presented in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitution for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider for medical concerns. All of the opinions are of Dr. Kristen Cook and do not reflect the opinions of her employer nor the hospitals she is affiliated with. The authors and publishers of this podcast do not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, or consequences of using the information provided.

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Transcript

Kristen cook 00:00:00  Hi there. Thanks so much for joining me for this episode of Mom Doc Talk with Doctor Kristen Cook. I'm your host, a pediatrician, parenting expert, and a friend to all who want to raise happy, healthy, tiny humans. Last week I discussed what to do if you don't like your child's teacher. I'm continuing the theme of what to do when you don't like something. Today, we're diving into a topic that every parent eventually faces. What do I do when I don't like my child's friends? Whether your toddler is suddenly mimicking behavior you don't love, or your teenager is hanging out with a crew that sets off alarm bells. This episode is for you. We'll break this down by age preschoolers, early school age, late school age, and teenagers. And I'll provide you with practical, real life tools to use, plus how to have the conversations that actually work. Because let's be honest, if you try banning a person from being your child's friend, it almost always backfires. Make it a point to never ban your child from being someone else's friend.

Kristen cook 00:00:58  Instead, teach your child how to determine what a quality friendship looks like and how to get out of a friendship that does not serve them. Let's get into it. Starting with preschool aged children, preschoolers are just learning what friendship means. It's normal for friendships to change day to day based on who has the sparkly crayons or who got to go down the slide first. But even at this age, you might notice a friend who pushes, excludes, or uses bossy or unkind language. At this age, it is important to model and narrate social behavior. For example, you can tell your child, I noticed you and Ava were playing with Play-Doh, but suddenly she did not want to share. That would make me frustrated. Or you seemed sad after Leo took the toy you were playing with. That would make me sad to name it, normalize it, then provide guidance. You can tell your child next time you can say, please share the Play-Doh or come find a grown up to help. Preschoolers don't need a lecture.

Kristen cook 00:01:55  They need scripts and ideally try to address social interactions in real time. Your child may not remember Ava's problematic behavior at dinner time if it happened at 10:00 in the morning. Addressed the problematic behavior as soon as possible, and then briefly explain how the child could act in a more positive manner in the future. From an early age, it is important to discuss desired friendship qualities and to praise children who demonstrate those qualities. This is personal. I can't tell you what qualities to value, but I can give you an example. In our family, we value kindness, compassion, respect, connection, and emotional expression. I want you to identify the values that your family has as it relates to a good friend. It can be incredibly helpful to write those values down to refer to them when needed. In addition, I cannot underestimate the importance of modeling those values and praising your child when they demonstrate those qualities. This sets the stage for future success. Let's get back to the friend issues. Here are some tips to handle a preschool friend who is bossy, mean, or has a tendency to push other children.

Kristen cook 00:03:02  If it's a playdate, keep it short and supervised. Step in gently when needed. Consider saying we need to keep our hands to ourselves, or it's important to make sure everyone gets a turn. It's important to teach preschoolers about conflict resolution strategies. Encourage your child to use AI statements instead of use statements, for example. I don't like it when you push me rather than you pushed me, you big meanie. Praise attempts to set boundaries, even clumsy ones. For example, I like how you asked a grown up for help when Oliver cut in front of you in the line to go down the slide. At this age, it's about guiding, not interfering. You're shaping their foundation of what healthy friendship feels like. At the same time, please don't diminish preschool friendships. They are not all negative. In fact, there are many preschool friendships that are healthy and wonderful. Savannah still speaks with her best preschool or friend on a regular basis. She's now ten years old. I love that her and her friend are still connected and supporting each other.

Kristen cook 00:04:08  Now let's move on to young school age children. At this age, kids start choosing friends based on shared interests, not just proximity. But they still need a lot of adult help to navigate social interactions. Maybe your child is gravitating toward a peer who talks back. Excludes others or influences them to bend the rules. You might feel nervous, and that's okay. At this age, it's important to have regular discussions about the qualities of a good friendship. In fact, you may want to schedule a meeting with your child to brainstorm what makes a good friend. Use words that they understand. A good friend is someone who is kind. A good friend is fair. They listen. They play nicely and they include me. Then help them spot red flags or sign of a bad friend. A bad friend doesn't share. They get mad when you don't do what they want. They're mean. They frequently break the rules. They encourage you to engage in naughty behavior. They exclude you from activities. Revisit this list often.

Kristen cook 00:05:08  Even better. Make it visual. Create a poster with a good friend bad friend characteristics and hang it on the refrigerator. Young school age children are still egocentric, meaning that they assume that everyone sees things from their perspective. As a result, they may not recognize that they have become friends with someone who is a bad friend. It's important to avoid criticizing that child that instantly turns your child into the friend's defense attorney. Instead, calmly ask, how do you feel when you're with them? Or is there anything that happened that made you feel sad or frustrated or uncomfortable? Your job is to guide the thinking, not control the outcome. As kids become older school age children, peer approval becomes increasingly important. As a result, children may tolerate behavior that they know is wrong just to stay included. This is where friend conflicts start to hurt more and where parents start panicking. Let's say that your child is suddenly using slang you don't love, seems more secretive, or is obsessed with being in a specific group that excludes others, you might be tempted to step in.

Kristen cook 00:06:12  You may want to call the other child's parents. You may want to inform your child of each and every terrible trait the bad friend has. Don't. Why? Because, again, flat out banning friendships doesn't work. It creates secrecy, and it erodes trust. And it rarely changes the underlying desire for that friendship. What can parents do? Instead, focus on coaching rather than controlling. You may want to say something to the effect of I noticed that when you hang out with them, you come home really upset. What's going on there? Make sure to ask reflective questions without attempting to lead your child, for example. What do you like about Emma? How do you feel when Emma teases the other kids? How do you handle that? Make sure that these questions occur within context and include specific details. For example, if Emma has a habit of teasing younger children on the school bus, it will do no good to ask your child about Emma's behaviour towards the bus driver. Rather get specific and make sure to discuss how the problematic behaviour might have caused someone to feel.

Kristen cook 00:07:17  For example. Gosh, I would feel so sad if Emma called me a snot nosed baby while riding the bus to school. What do you think? In addition, at this age, it is important to introduce the concept of values. After a friend engages in an undesired behaviour, you may want to ask your child how they would have acted in the same situation. You may want to take it a step further and ask, does your friend's behaviour fit with the values of a good friend? It may help to pull out that poster of the good friend versus the bad friend. You are helping your child evaluate, not just obey. With respect to helping older school age children manage conflict. Equip them with phrases like I don't think that's funny. I don't want to do that. Can we include Sam too? They don't need to be confrontational. They need confidence. And at this age, it continues to be important to repeatedly reinforce the values of a good friend and praise your child when they demonstrate those values.

Kristen cook 00:08:16  Now let's move on to teenage friendships. These friendships can look like an all consuming bond. Sometimes with kids you don't trust or who may pull them into drama, risky behavior, or values misalignment. At this age, children may care more about the relationship with their friends than with their parents. They may hide things from you that they speak freely about with their friends. It's important to be understanding and patient. Again, the knee jerk urge to ban the friendship is strong and understandable. But here's the truth if you forbid a teenager from seeing someone, they will often do it behind your back. And as hard as it is parents, you need to trust that you have taught your children the skill of recognizing a good friend versus a bad friend. You need to ground yourself in the fact that you taught your children about being right and wrong, and how being a kind, respectful human being is much more important than being popular. And then you need to take a step back. Yet it is okay to share your observations with your team as long as you do so without judgement.

Kristen cook 00:09:16  You may say, I've noticed that you seem drained after hanging out with them, or I saw that text exchange. It seemed like they weren't treating you with much respect. What was that like for you? In addition, it is important to validate the power of peer pressure without normalizing it. You may want to tell your teen it's hard to stand up to friends sometimes, especially if you're afraid they're going to leave you out. That's normal. But I'm here to help you. This normalizes the tension without condoning the behavior. Make sure to reinforce that a real friend doesn't make you feel small. Let them know if something doesn't feel right. You can always come to me. No judgment, just support. So, parents, here's the heart of it. You don't have to love every friend your child chooses, but your job isn't to choose for them. It's to teach them how to choose well. By modeling healthy communication, offering tools for reflection and building trust. You become their safest place to process what's happening in their social world.

Kristen cook 00:10:16  And that is what sets them up for lasting, healthy relationships down the road. I have one last recommendation. Make sure that your children understand that the most important social relationship is the one that they have with themselves. Your child needs to be their own best friend, their greatest cheerleader, and not in the spirit of cockiness, but of confidence and self-worth. The goal is to have our children develop a healthy sense of self. So when conflict arises, our children can lean into who they are and what they value. This can help protect our children from engaging in undesirable behavior such as temper tantrums, backtalk, or vaping. Our actions as parents can help our children to deal with social interaction and peer pressure. We can help them navigate healthy and unhealthy friendships. Now, let's talk about something that can be even more complex. When your teenager has a significant other that you don't like. This is next level tricky, because romantic relationships in adolescence can feel incredibly intense, sometimes even more so than friendships. If you're not careful, your attempts to steer your team away from a relationship can make that bond stronger.

Kristen cook 00:11:22  It's called the Romeo and Juliet effect for a reason when parents disapprove. Teens can see the relationship as even more special or worth defending. So the first rule don't judge a book by its cover. Get to know the significant other. What are their interests? What are their values? What kind of music are they into? And if you get to know them and still don't like them, keep it to yourself. No idols, no sarcastic comments. And most importantly, never criticize the significant other in front of your teen. The moment you attack that person, your child feels like you're attacking them. That shuts the door to honest conversation and pushes them towards secrecy. Instead, share observations without labeling the partner as bad or toxic. You might say, I noticed that you've seen more stress lately. Is everything okay between you two or you didn't seem happy after you got off the phone. Do you want to talk about it? This is how you stay in the role of a curious, caring parent, not a judge or prosecutor.

Kristen cook 00:12:26  What if the partners truly problematic? Let's be real. Sometimes your concern isn't about mismatched personalities or harmless teenage drama. Sometimes you see controlling behavior, disrespect or worse, signs of abuse. This is when you must be proactive, but still intentional. First, understand the warning signs of an unhealthy or unsafe relationship. One is control deciding who your team can see what they wear, or monitoring their phone constantly. Another is isolation discouraging time with friends or family? Make sure to look for verbal or emotional abuse. Name calling. Threats or humiliation. Please know that even teenage romantic relationships are not immune to domestic violence. Be mindful of the signs of physical abuse. Any unwanted touch. pushing, hitting or restraining. Finally, be mindful of the potential of sexual coercion, pressuring your teen for intimacy that they are not ready for. If you suspect abuse, you can't just forbid contact and hope it stops. That can make your teen feel trapped or defensive. Instead, keep the lines of communication open. Let them know.

Kristen cook 00:13:37  No matter what happens, you can always come to me. I'll believe you and I'll help you. You won't be in trouble. Make sure to ask instead of accuse. Use gentle curiosity. I noticed that he grabbed your arm pretty hard when you were talking. What was going on there? Reinforce your child's self-worth. Teens and unhealthy relationships often start doubting themselves. Remind them of their strengths and what they deserve in a partner, including respect, kindness, and safety. And if there is any indication of domestic violence or sexual assault, your role is to act immediately and protect your child. That means ensuring that they're physically safe, seeking medical care if needed. Contacting law enforcement if a crime has been committed. Connecting them with a counselor or an advocate who is trained in teen dating violence or sexual assault. Support. Remember, your teen may feel shame, fear, or loyalty to their partner even in dangerous situations. Your calm, unwavering presence can make all of the difference when they reach out for help. If you need immediate resources, you can share these confidential lines with your teen or call them yourself.

Kristen cook 00:14:45  The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. The National Sexual Assault Hotline is 1-800-656-4673. These are open 24 over seven and can help guide the next steps. Finally, play the long game. Even if your teen stays in a relationship you don't like. Your steady, respectful presence mean that you'll still be the safe person they can run to when things go wrong, and sometimes that's what ultimately gets them out of a harmful relationship. Whether we're talking about friendships or romantic relationships, the heart of your role as a parent is the same. To help your child develop the skills to evaluate relationships, set boundaries, and know their worth. You can't handpick the people they let into their lives, but you can equip them to make wise, self-respecting choices. When our kids have a strong inner compass, they're far less likely to tolerate friends or partners who make them feel small, unsafe, or unworthy. They'll lean into who they are and what they stand for. Even when peer pressure, social media, or strong emotions are pulling them in another direction.

Kristen cook 00:15:57  Your consistent modeling, your steady voice, and your willingness to listen without judgment are what give them the courage to walk away from unhealthy relationships, whether they're four, 14, or 24. Thank you so much for spending your time with me today. If this episode spoke to you, please share it with a friend and make sure to join me next week on backtalk.