Why Work–Life Balance Is a Myth (and What to Do Instead)

In this episode of MomDoc Talk, Kristen, a pediatrician and parenting expert, debunks the myth of work-life balance for parents. She shares her own experiences and emphasizes that true balance is unattainable, advocating instead for flexibility and a “sliding scale” approach to managing work, family, and personal needs. Kristen offers practical strategies to reduce guilt, set priorities, ask for help, and manage time, encouraging parents to let go of perfection and focus on being present and intentional in their parenting journey.

What you'll learn:

• The myth of work-life balance for parents
• The concept of flexibility and a sliding scale in parenting
• The importance of acknowledging competing demands in parenting
• Strategies to reduce guilt and set non-negotiables
• The significance of asking for help and delegating tasks
• Time management techniques for parents
• The value of creating family rhythms instead of rigid schedules
• The impact of self-criticism and the need to drop "should" statements
• Encouragement for both working and stay-at-home parents
• The importance of being present and intentional in parenting rather than striving for perfection

Podcast Disclaimer

The information presented in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitution for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider for medical concerns. All of the opinions are of Dr. Kristen Cook and do not reflect the opinions of her employer nor the hospitals she is affiliated with. The authors and publishers of this podcast do not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, or consequences of using the information provided.

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Transcript

Kristen 00:00:00  Hi friends. Welcome back to Mom Doc talk. I'm your host, doctor Kristen Cook, a pediatrician, parenting expert, and your fellow advocate in the beautiful, chaotic trenches of raising good humans. Today, we're going to have an honest conversation about managing professional responsibilities, personal interests, and even the tasks we'd rather not do because I know you're tired of hearing the same empty advice. You just need to find a better work life balance. Let's get into this idea of work life balance. It sounds great, right? Like, there's this magical ratio where everything aligns and we can be all things to all people without dropping a ball. But that's not how real life or real parenting actually works. The idea of balance assumes everything gets equal weight all the time. But in parenthood, that's just not sustainable. Here's the truth parents. Work life balance is a complete myth. It's a mirage. Work life balance does not exist. Please let that sink in. Stop fighting for balance. Stop chasing it. What we really need is flexibility.

Kristen 00:01:16  Permission to shift. Adapt and ride the ever changing wave of parenting with grace. So today, I'm busting the myth of balance and leaning into something better. The sliding scale of parenthood. Some weeks your job demands every ounce of your energy. Deadlines, meetings, clients and putting out fires. Other weeks, your child is sick. Your toddler is teething. Or your teen is navigating their first romantic relationship and your family needs you more. Instead of striving for balance, let's start talking about seasons and scales. Imagine a volume knob that gets turned up or down, depending on what's most pressing. Sometimes work is louder. Other times family is louder. That doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're being responsive. I call this the sliding scale of parenthood. It's a mindset shift that acknowledges that life is fluid. It gives us permission to pivot without guilt. And before we go any further, I want to say this loud and clear. This conversation is just as important for stay at home parents. There's this assumption that work life balance only applies to people with jobs outside the home.

Kristen 00:02:35  But let me tell you, being a stay at home parent is a full time job. Actually, let's be honest. It's multiple jobs caregiver, cook, conflict negotiator, cleaning crew, emotional regulator, event planner, taxi driver and logistics manager. And you don't clock out, ever. You don't get lunch breaks. You don't get annual reviews, and most days no one is giving you gold stars or saying great job. So if you felt like you should have balance because you don't have a traditional job. Stop right there. Your scale still slides. Some days your child needs you more. Some days the house or errands or extended family needs your attention. Some days you need you rest a deep breath or being able to go to the bathroom without a child barging in. Balance is a myth for all of us. Stay at home. Work from home. Full time office shift work. It doesn't matter. We're all navigating competing demands, and everyone's time is just as valuable. In a week where your child is the lead in the school musical.

Kristen 00:03:56  That's where your energy goes in a week where your job is launching a major project. You pour into that in order to take. Out for dinner without shame. When we start to view our lives as a scale rather than a balance beam, we can make space for grace. We can start asking what needs my attention right now instead of the more judgmental why can't I do it all? Or what is wrong with me? And here's the kicker. Over time, it evens out. Not every day, not every week, but across the months and years. You show up in ways that matter. So here's how to know if you're caught in the toxic trap of chasing balance. You feel guilty no matter what you're doing. You're constantly multitasking, but nothing feels finished. You have this nagging sense that you're failing. You're exhausted, resentful, numb, or all three of these. If that's you, You're not alone and you're not broken. You're overburdened by an unrealistic standard. And no one is immune to it.

Kristen 00:05:11  Not even me. I work full time as a pediatrician. I'm a mom of two sports loving kids who happen to be on travel teams. I'm a wife who is married to the best person that I have ever known. I'm an author, podcast host, and fill in coach when my husband is not available. I have two dogs, two fish, and a miniature turtle. I'm the designated laundry attendant, family landscaper, and resident manager of family Meals. I love my life and I am so grateful for everything that I have. But at times it is exhausting. Sometimes I'm just in survival mode and that's okay. I try my best to have patience with myself. I'm pretty proficient about not shooting all over myself. I'll talk about what that means soon. Yet those nagging thoughts still creep in. Why are you working so much, Kristen? You missed another baseball game about the other moms were there. Why did you let your kids eat McDonald's for dinner? You could have figured out a better option. Why did you let the house get so messy? Do any of these thoughts resonate with you? Let's talk real life strategies for when you feel your stress levels rise.

Kristen 00:06:32  Because showing up as a peaceful, connected parent doesn't mean being perfect. It means being intentional. First of all, drop the shoulds. In fact, I want you to stop shooting all over yourself. What do I mean by this? I want you to become aware of every should thought you have. I should have been at that meeting. I should volunteer more. I should cook dinner every night instead. ask yourself is that should that necessary, helpful or life enhancing? If not, it might be time to let it go. Pay attention to your should thoughts. If you need to write them down. That makes them easier to analyze. I cannot underestimate the importance of this exercise. Every single should statement tends to lead to judgment, guilt, or shame. You need to get these statements out of your vocabulary if possible, and at a minimum, you need to acknowledge them. Dismiss them and replace them with a thought that serves you. How does this play out in real life? You catch yourself thinking the house is a mess.

Kristen 00:07:46  I should clean it. And maybe your house is an absolute disaster, but at this moment you have to get your daughter to her ballet lesson. So instead of shooting all over yourself, you tell yourself no one gets a prize for having a spotless house. I can clean up after dance class. In addition to stop shooting all over yourself, you need to define your non-negotiables. What are the three things that matter most to you right now? For example, having a family dinner three times a week. Getting to bed before 10 p.m.. Helping your kids with their homework every other night. Let those things anchor your week. Everything else. Try to keep them optional. Every Sunday I sit down with my planner and map out my week. I write down 3 to 5 tasks that must be completed each day. Those are my non-negotiables, and I do reevaluate them often because life happens. Sometimes my non-negotiables need the help of others, usually my husband. Speaking of help, ask for it early and often. We are not meant to do this alone.

Kristen 00:09:01  Call in your village, whether that's a partner, a neighbor, or a carpool friend. Delegating is not weakness. It's wisdom. In our home, we have a weekly cleaning lady. We hire a dog walker. On days when Chad and I are both in the office. I order 90% of our groceries online and have them delivered to my front door. I could drive to the grocery store and get those groceries in person. But my time is valuable and so is yours. In addition, I want you to get comfortable saying no. Let's say that you get invited to a friend's house for drinks, but you are tired and would rather watch Netflix in your PJs. Ask your friend for a rain check. Or maybe your kids want to have a family board game night, but you have four loads of laundry to do. Make family time a non-negotiable for tomorrow. Protect your peace like it's your paycheck. Now let's get practical with time management. These tools aren't just productivity hacks. They're about reclaiming your energy in your presence.

Kristen 00:10:06  Try my strategy every Sunday. Take 15 minutes to look at the week ahead. Identify your top three priorities for each day. Plan meals, rides, and logistics. In our home, we have a weekly calendar in our kitchen. I write down sporting events, doctor's appointments, even what we are going to eat for dinner each day. This calendar keeps me and my family organized and it reduces decision fatigue like you wouldn't believe. In addition, consider using time blocks instead of to do lists. Traditional to do lists don't account for how long things take. Instead, block time for focused work, family time, administrative stuff such as paying a bills or responding to emails. Self-care. Rest. Make sure to block time for transition and margin as well. You're a human, not a robot. Focus on creating family rhythms, not rigid schedules. Instead of we eat dinner at 6:00 pm, try. After we get home, we decompress for about 30 minutes. Then we eat dinner. Then the kids do their homework.

Kristen 00:11:22  Rhythms feel safer and more doable, especially when life gets chaotic. It may help to shift your mentality. Everyone has to do things that they don't like. Throughout the day, everyone has to perform tasks that they would rather ignore. If you can delegate those tasks, great. If not, try to find a sense of gratitude. Me? I'd rather stay in bed than do laundry. Instead of lamenting about the pile of clothes in my laundry room, I remind myself how fortunate I am to have access to clean clothes every few months. Check in with yourself. Is this skill working for me and my family right now? Is this a season where I can kick back and do things I enjoy, such as scrapbooking. Or do I need to dig my heels in and write that book? Have I not spent enough time with a child who's signaling that they need more of me? Have I been ignoring myself? Parenting has never said it and forget it. You're allowed to recalibrate. I want to speak directly to the parents who are working hard, whether at home, in an office, in scrubs, or on night shifts, especially if it is a job you enjoy.

Kristen 00:12:36  You are not selfish for engaging in work that you care about. It's important to pursue your passions. You are not fooling your kids if you can't be at every event. You are modeling dedication, resilience and independence and to the stay at home parents. Your work is just as real and just as vital. This is not a comparison game. This is a permission slip to live your life in seasons with flexibility, with honesty and with compassion for yourself. Let's stop chasing a myth and start chasing meaning instead. Don't make balance the goal. Be present where it matters most. Some days you'll crush your work goals. Some days your toddler's meltdowns will take all of your energies. Some days might feel like a disaster from top to bottom. But if your kids feel loved. If you're doing the best with the tools that you have. If you're showing up messy but real, you're doing it right. If this episode hit home for you, would you do me a favor? Share it with a friend who needs the same permission to let go of perfect and embrace peaceful parenting instead.

Kristen 00:13:49  Thanks for listening. And remember, you don't have to balance it all. You just have to parent the child you have with the time and energy that you have today. That is enough and you are enough.