Are New Year's Resolutions Setting Parents Up for Failure?

In this episode of MomDoc Talk, Kristen discusses the pressures parents face around New Year’s resolutions. She explores why traditional resolutions often fail parents, highlighting the unrealistic expectations and societal pressures that fuel guilt and shame. Kristen encourages listeners to abandon perfectionism and instead set realistic, compassionate goals using the SMART framework, tailored to their unique family situations. She shares practical examples and emphasizes progress over perfection. Kristen reassures parents that growth comes from alignment with real life, not reinvention, and invites them to download her free guide on managing mom guilt from her website.

What you’ll learn:

• Discussion of New Year's resolutions in the context of parenting.
• Exploration of the historical origins of New Year's resolutions.
• Examination of societal pressures and their impact on parental feelings of inadequacy.
• Critique of traditional resolutions as unrealistic for parents.
• Introduction of the SMART goals framework adapted for family life.
• Emphasis on setting realistic, compassionate, and sustainable goals.
• Analysis of why resolutions often fail parents, including external factors and unrealistic expectations.
• Encouragement to focus on progress rather than perfection.
• Practical examples of achievable goals for parents.
• Invitation to download a guide on managing mom guilt..

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Podcast Disclaimer

The information presented in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitution for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider for medical concerns. All of the opinions are of Dr. Kristen Cook and do not reflect the opinions of her employer nor the hospitals she is affiliated with. The authors and publishers of this podcast do not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, or consequences of using the information provided.

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Transcript

0:32

Hi and welcome back to mom Dot talk with Doctor Kristen Cook. I'm your host, a pediatrician, parenting expert, and since becoming a mom, someone who falls asleep before midnight on New Year's Eve as we move into a new year, the pressure is loud everywhere you look. Society is telling you who you should become starting on January 1st. Lose weight. Eat healthier. Be more patient. Be a better parent. Get yourself together. And if you're a parent, especially a mom, that list doesn't feel motivating. It feels heavy. It feels daunting, and it encourages us to compare ourselves to other parents without knowing their full story. Today I'm going to talk about New Year's resolutions, specifically the downsides of setting them when you have children. Because while the idea of a fresh start sounds lovely the way resolutions are traditionally framed. Often sets parents up to feel like they're failing again. And quite honestly, that feeling is uncomfortable. This episode is not about lowering standards. It's about choosing effective change over performative change. I'll talk briefly about where New Year's resolutions came from, why they so often fall apart for parents, and then I'll walk you through a more realistic, compassionate and sustainable way to approach goals using the Smart goals framework. Adapted for real family life. The concept of New Year's resolutions is ancient over 4000 years ago. The Babylonians celebrated the New Year by making promises to their gods, usually about returning borrowed items or paying debts. Later, the Romans dedicated the month of January to Janus, the god of beginnings and transitions. They believed how they started. The New Year mattered deeply Fast forward to modern times, and New Year's resolutions became less about spiritual accountability and more about self optimizations. They're about improving your body, your productivity, or your mindset. What didn't change over time, though, is the core belief that a new year requires a new you. And that belief becomes incredibly problematic once you have children. Because parenting doesn't reset on January 1st. Lack of sleep doesn't care what the calendar says. Personal development doesn't move in clean, predictable lines. And let's address the elephant in the room who says that a new year requires new you? Is it you personally, or are you inadvertently subscribing to what society tells you how to look, act, or be? Please let that sink in because societal pressures can be suffocating, seem impossible to achieve, or are completely opposed to your goals and ideals. Let's talk honestly about why resolutions so often fail parents. It's not because parents lack discipline, because resolutions are often built on faulty assumptions. Resolutions assume that a person has control over something that is non-negotiable. For example, resolutions may include I'll wake up earlier, exercise, or I'll cook a delicious dinner every night for my family that we will enjoy together. Yet, in reality, your child gets sick and is awake all night coughing. Your 5 a.m. exercise plan goes out the window as you attend to your child and try to navigate the sleep deprivation. Or your teenager has basketball practice every night from 6 to 8 p.m., and your eight year old cannot wait until 8:30 p.m. to eat dinner, which means that the kids eat at a different dinner time. Even worse, when your New Year's resolutions require conditions you can't control. You internalize failure that was never actually yours. Parents don't fail New Year's resolutions. New year's resolutions fail parents. Many parents create resolutions based on who they used to be or who they wish they were. And I've been there. Before I knew better, I would create New Year's resolutions such as I will lose £10 before summer. I will spend more time with my husband. I will play with my kids more. But your capacity to achieve any New Year's resolutions changes depending on the age of your children, their temperament, your support system, your stress level, and your mental load. A parent of a newborn does not have the same bandwidth as a parent of a 12 year old. A parent of a neurodivergent child does not operate on the same timeline as someone parenting non neurodivergent children. Yet resolutions rarely adjust for that. They assume linear progress in a season that is anything but linear. Not to mention that many resolutions are rooted in shame. Many resolutions are quiet confessions. I need to do better. I should be more patient. I shouldn't feel so overwhelmed. That kind of change isn't sustainable because shame is not a long term motivator. Shame will keep anyone stuck in their current behavioral patterns. I suggest a different approach because parents don't need more reasons to feel inadequate. They need frameworks that reflect reality and build confidence. I'll talk more about that soon. But meanwhile, let's continue to explore why New Year's resolutions can be problematic. Traditional resolutions are all or nothing. You either worked out perfectly, stayed calm. Kept your routine or you didn't. But parenting happens in the gray. You can lose your patience at bedtime and still repair beautifully. You can skip the gym for two weeks and still be committed to improving your health. You can have hard days without them being bad days. Parents are often taught to chase results, weight loss, calmer kids, or more organized homes. But outcomes don't change without systems, and systems must fit the family you actually have. Without that, resolutions become another reminder of what feels out of reach. They are just another example of how we are not living up to expectations, which leads us to compare ourselves to other parents. And that just reinforces the false belief that we are failing as parents and as human beings. Instead of focusing on New Year's resolutions, I encourage you to approach the New Year by setting goals and not just any goals. Goals that use something called a Smart goals framework. Smart stands for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and Time Bound. Let's walk through each one in a way that works for parents. The S stands for specific. Instead of saying I want to be more patient, substitute it for. I want to try to pause and breathe before responding to my child's temper tantrums. Or instead of setting the resolution, I will eat healthier. Determine that your goal is I want to eat at least five servings of fruits and vegetables a day. Specific goals reduce emotional overwhelm and give your brain clarity. The next aspect involves being measurable. Parents often resist measurement because it feels judgmental. But measurable doesn't mean rigid. It may mean, in order to be patient, I need to commit to practicing a breathing exercise two times a day, or I'll meal prep every Sunday and commit to 45 minutes of exercise at least three days per week. I have one caveat. Please do not create a goal around losing a certain number of pounds or getting down to a certain weight. You deserve so much more than reducing yourself to a number on the scale. I've been there many times, and Smart goals involving weight loss often make a person feel less than. I encourage you to focus on healthy habits instead. Let's get back to the Smart goals framework. Another aspect is that the goal is achievable. This is the step that parents skip. Most often. It requires an honest assessment of your goals and of your current life. If the goal requires you to become someone else entirely, it's not achievable. It's aspirational fantasy. As a parent, it is not possible to never, ever yell at your kids, but you can absolutely set goals that help you decrease your yelling behaviors. The R is for relevant. Ask yourself, why does this goal matter to me and my family? Not because social media says I should, or because other parents are doing it, or because I feel behind relevant goals, reduce guilt and increase follow through. If the goal doesn't matter enough to you, you aren't likely going to achieve it. Finally, the T stands for Time bound. Set a time limit for your goal. Maybe it's four weeks. Maybe it's six months. The exact time is what matters to you. No one else. Instead of I'm going to make this change and do it every day forever. Try. I will focus on this for the next two months. Or even I'll revisit my goal in my child's sleep improves, time bound goals allow for reassessment instead of self-criticism. Let's make this practical. Instead of setting the resolution, I will stop yelling at my kids. Try setting the goal of. For the next month, I'll practice lowering my voice during one predictable stress point, like our morning routine. Instead of setting a resolution to have more quality time with your kids. Try setting a goal of three nights a week. I'll spend ten uninterrupted minutes with each child before bed. These goals respect reality. They build confidence. They work with parenting instead of against it. If New Year's resolutions have ever made you feel like you're starting the year already behind. I want you to hear this clearly. You are not failing. You are parenting. Growth does not require reinvention. It requires alignment. Parents don't need grant promises. They need realistic plans that honor the child they have and the parent that they are becoming. If you choose to set goals this year, let them be gentle. Let them be grounded. Let them be flexible and rooted in your real life. And if you choose not to set resolutions or goals at all, that is not giving up. Sometimes the bravest decision is to stop chasing an ideal and start supporting yourself where you are. Thank you for being here with me today. Thank you for the work that you're doing. And most of all, thank you for trying to parent the child that you have. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend. And if one of your goals for the new year is to become better at managing guilt. Please head over to my website Kristen Cook MD. Com and download a free copy of my Ultimate Guide to Managing Mom Guilt.