Who’s Really in Charge of the Diapers? : Transforming Parenting Dynamics

In this episode of MomDoc Talk, Kristen discusses the often-overlooked challenges of dividing parenting duties. She explains how the mental load and invisible responsibilities can lead to resentment and burnout, emphasizing that true partnership means shared ownership—not just “helping.” Kristen offers practical strategies for two-parent households, co-parents, and stepparents to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and create sustainable systems. She highlights the importance of flexibility, acknowledgment, and teamwork, encouraging families to focus on respectful collaboration rather than perfect fairness, ultimately aiming for healthier, more peaceful family dynamics.

What you’ll learn:

• Division of parenting duties and its impact on family dynamics
• The concept of the mental load in parenting
• Importance of shared ownership of parenting responsibilities
• Communication strategies for discussing parenting roles
• Flexibility and acknowledgment in parenting tasks
• Challenges faced by co-parents and stepparents
• Strategies for effective co-parenting and maintaining boundaries
• The role of stepparents in family systems and their authority
• Addressing feelings of resentment and burnout in parenting
• Modeling good communication and teamwork for children

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Parenting Redefined: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child's Behavior to Help Them Thrive

Podcast Disclaimer

The information presented in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitution for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider for medical concerns. All of the opinions are of Dr. Kristen Cook and do not reflect the opinions of her employer nor the hospitals she is affiliated with. The authors and publishers of this podcast do not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, or consequences of using the information provided.

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Transcript

0:33

Hi everyone, and welcome back to Mom Doc talk with Doctor Kristen Cook. I'm your host, a pediatrician mom and parenting advisor. Today I'm talking about something that quietly causes more resentment, burnout, and relationship strain than almost anything else within the parenting realm. Today, I'm talking about the division of parenting duties. This encompasses everything from who changes baby's diaper to who helps a young adult apply for college. The biggest parenting strain is not discipline. It's not screen time. It's not even sleep. Even though that 1st May be a close second, it's the invisible math parents may be doing all day long. What parents doing more? Which ones doing less? Who's tired? Who is more tired? Who's resentful? Who isn't pulling their own weight? Who's keeping track of everything and who is oblivious to the world around them. And here's the truth most parents don't hear often enough. If parenting feels unfair sometimes, that doesn't mean your relationship is broken. It means you're parenting inside a system that is demanding, relentless, and constantly changing. This episode is for every type of family, the two parent households who feel stuck in unspoken expectations. Co-parents navigating different homes in different roles, and stepparents trying to find their place without overstepping or disappearing. My goal today is not to tell you how to split things perfectly, because in reality, there is no such thing as parenting perfection. In fact, duties will never be split fairly or perfectly. Rather, this episode is to help you create something sustainable, respectful, and peaceful for the family you actually have most conflicts around. Parenting duties aren't really about the dishes, bedtime, or school drop off. It's about feeling unseen, feeling unheard, feeling underappreciated, feeling like you lack the support of your partner, or feeling like you're carrying the load alone. I'm sure that I'm not the first person to tell you how many responsibilities parents have to themselves, to their kids, and to each other. Maintaining the family schedule, anticipating physical, emotional and social needs, cleaning the home, making sure that the laundry is done and the refrigerator has food. Being a taxi driver between activities and the list goes on and on while the other parent or parents may be helping. The problem exists when they are not owning the tasks. And here's where resentment sneaks in. The parent carrying the majority of the mental load doesn't just feel tired, they feel alone. Here's an important truth. Effort does not equal impact. You can try hard and still not meet your partner's expectations. That doesn't make either of you wrong. It means the system or the expectations need adjusting. Let's talk about the mental load of caring parental responsibilities, because this is where most parents feel unheard. The mental load includes knowing when shoes no longer fit, remembering spirit days, anticipating emotional meltdowns, managing social dynamics and planning meals, scheduling appointments, taking care of childcare, school needs, and after school activities. This work is constant and mostly invisible, and it often falls disproportionately on one parent. Frequently moms, but not always. My husband is an amazing partner and an even better dad, but the day to day mental load falls on me. I take care of the groceries and most of the laundry. Everything except my husband's clothes, because he is a grown man who is fully capable of doing his own laundry. I maintain the family calendar, I handled the doctor's appointments, and when one of the kids get sick, it's usually me cleaning up the puke. What makes this exhausting isn't just the work. It's the lack of acknowledgement. Parents, you are not resentful of the lack of help. You are resentful that your partner does not acknowledge how freaking hard you work for your family. Here's a reframe of that concept that matters. As a parent, you don't need help. It does not matter if you are co-parenting a step parent or in a two parent home. Help is not what you need. You need shared ownership and good communication. Let me explain. Helping implies that one person is in charge. Shared ownership means all the adults are responsible for the functioning of the family, even stepparents. Each parent will have different roles and different responsibilities, but all are involved and are held accountable. Do you see the difference? I hope that you do focus your future parenting efforts on shared ownership of responsibilities and duties, and your life will change immensely. Do you want to know where most parents struggle? It's about how to discuss the division of duties without fighting, because conversations about fairness often turn into score keeping, defensiveness, and shutting down. Here's how to approach it differently. Be prepared. Ideally, conversations about the division of duties occur before a baby is even born, or at least when the kids are young. This is not always possible, and that is okay. If you are deep into parenting, please take the time to understand your needs, your frustrations, and provide suggestions to the other parents for improvement if needed. Yet, it is so important to delay parenting conversations when you feel depleted. If you are exhausted, hungry, overstimulated, or angry, tell the other parent that you need some time. Schedule the discussion for later in the week. These types of conversation require clarity and do not go well when you are in survival mode. Next, make sure that language involves systems, not blame. Instead of saying you never help me with bedtime, try bedtime feels unsustainable for me right now. I need us to rethink how we're handling it because this has been really challenging for me. Again, we're not blaming people. We are not instilling guilt or Shame. It's not about individual effort. It's about fixing parenting systems. And when it comes to division of duties, try your best to be specific. Telling another parent that you do everything for your kids is not helpful. In fact, those type of blanket statements will only breed resentment. Instead, consider saying I track school emails, plan meals, manage appointments, handle bedtime, and anticipate emotional needs. In return, I need you to do and then insert your needs there. In two parent households, the biggest trap is assuming fairness means equality. It doesn't. Fairness means accounting for work schedules, energy levels strengthen limitations, and seasons of life. There will be times when parent carries more of the load. What matters is, is that load acknowledged and mutually agreed upon. Here are some helpful strategies. Assign full responsibility for a certain tasks, such as cooking dinner or buying groceries. Consider rotating, emotionally heavy duties, such as providing care for sick children, and make sure to revisit roles regularly. Kids grow and needs change. In our home, I'm responsible for managing day to day operations. Yet, Chad plays a significant role in completing certain day to day tasks. As I said before, I take care of the groceries, but I also order school lunches, plan dinners, do laundry, ironed the kid's clothes, and make sure that they are hanging in the closets the night before school. Make sure everyone has toothpaste and deodorant and check in on everyone's emotions and needs. On school days, Chad is responsible for making sure that the kids wake up on time, get ready, eat breakfast, pack their backpacks, and make their lunches if they are not getting hot lunch. He drives them to school, which allows me to focus on getting ready for work. My career as a pediatrician is often emotionally draining, and having time to myself in the mornings helps me to prepare. On the other hand, Chad is primarily responsible for the long term planning while I play a supportive role. He handles the long term finances, manages our bank account, takes care of all the home repairs and schedules, routine home maintenance. I take the lead on planning family vacations, packing for summer vacations, and providing input on our finances. We found a system that works well for our family, but it took some trial and error. Yet, our individually agreed upon duties are not nearly as important as the way we deal with inevitable problems that arise when we feel stretched thin or underappreciated, or need to spend more time at work than usual. We talk about it. We are open, honest and most importantly, we are flexible. We do our best to work as a team and do our best to take ownership over family functions. And overall life is really good though we both hate how the other loads the dishwasher and we never fail to remind the other one about it. Now let's talk about co-parenting households. Co-parenting adds complexity because you don't share a home, but you share at least one child. The most important thing to understand is that you cannot control what happens in the other household, but you can control your clarity and boundaries. Make sure to focus on what happens in your home. Create predictability for the kids and do your best to create and maintain respectful, businesslike communication with the other parent or parents. Discuss the importance of creating structure and maintaining consistency When conflict arises. Keep conversations focused on the kids. Avoid rehashing past relationship wounds. Don't blame or shame. Use neutral language and keep your emotions in check. It can be helpful to repeat what the other parent is saying. To indicate that you understood their concern. For example, I hear you are telling me that you are worried about Riley being late to school. I'd like to talk more about that. Consistency matters, but emotional safety matters more. Children can tolerate different rules, yet they cannot manage parental hostility without it causing them long term emotional damage. They will struggle if you try to make yourself the favorite parent, badmouth the other parent, or put your negative feelings about the other parent above your child's well-being. If you frequently say such things as in my house, we do, or her mother never does. You need to change the conversation. Make sure to keep co-parenting conversations laser focused on the health and well-being of the kids. Finally, let's discuss the role of a step parent. Step parenting is one of the most misunderstood roles in family systems. Step parents often feel unsure where they belong. Afraid of overstepping when it comes to rules and discipline and resentful of unclear expectations. Here's my suggestion for a guiding principle. The biological parents remain the primary disciplinarian, especially early on. Step parents support the household, but they should absolutely not be viewed as a replacement parent unless a biological parent is no longer physically or emotionally available. When it comes to the parenting roles that a step parent steps into, every family is different. It is important for all parents and stepparents to discuss what authority does the stepparent have? What responsibilities are optional versus expected? How will disagreements be handled privately? What about a stepparent providing discipline? And make sure to revisit these topics or any other topics important to your family as the kids grow up into the biological parents? Make sure to protect your current partner. Don't leave them alone to manage conflict with your child or with your ex. Don't throw them under the bus. Being a stepparent can be very challenging and your partner needs your support. Unity matters more than perfection. When conflict has already taken root, you need repair, not necessarily a resolution. Remember the concept of ownership. Every parent involved, whether it be two parent households, co-parenting situations, or the involvement of stepparents. Everyone needs to take ownership of raising the amazing kids in your lives. Try to pause the argument. Ask for a conversation. Once everyone has calmed down, then acknowledge her without defending. Make sure to verbalize what you value about everyone's efforts. Ask for what you need and recommit to teamwork. Your children are watching. It's important that you model good communication skills. Pay attention to how you negotiate, how you apologize, and how you handle imbalance. This helps your children to understand what successful partnership looks like, what respect feels like, and what repair entails. This matters so much more than equally divided chores. Parenting is not about doing everything evenly or fairly. It's about doing it together. If you are feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or unseen, that doesn't mean you're failing. It means you care deeply, and caring deeply sometimes requires change. You are not asking for too much. You are asking for sustainability. When all of the parents let go of the idea of helping and embrace the concept of shared ownerships, households become more peaceful. Thank you for spending this time with me today. Thank you for showing up for your children. And thank you for continuing to parent the child and the family you have. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend or a loved one and make sure to leave a review. And don't forget to head over to Amazon and check out my book, Parenting Redefined. A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child's Behavior to Help Them thrive. Until next time, I'm Doctor Kristen Cook.