Why Do Toddlers Throw Tantrums and How Can Parents Truly Understand Them?

In this episode of MomDoc Talk, Kristen explores the challenging world of toddlers and preschoolers, explaining that tantrums and difficult behaviors stem from overwhelmed, still-developing brains rather than defiance or manipulation. Drawing from personal experiences, including her son Mason's restaurant meltdown and daughter Savannah's "I hate you" outburst, Kristen encourages parents to stay calm, seek connection over control, and understand the root causes behind their child's behavior. She reminds parents that imperfection is normal, comparisons are unhelpful, and these challenging phases are temporary.

What you’ll learn:

• Understanding toddler and preschooler behavior
• The nature of temper tantrums and emotional dysregulation
• The importance of maintaining calmness during challenging moments
• Strategies for effective parenting and emotional connection
• The role of patience in managing difficult behaviors
• The impact of personal feelings on parenting responses
• Recognizing that misbehavior is not a reflection of parenting quality
• The significance of understanding a child's unique temperament
• The temporary nature of challenging phases in childhood
• The deeper emotional rewards of parenthood despite difficulties

Order My Book:
Parenting Redefined: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child's Behavior to Help Them Thrive

Podcast Disclaimer

The information presented in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitution for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider for medical concerns. All of the opinions are of Dr. Kristen Cook and do not reflect the opinions of her employer nor the hospitals she is affiliated with. The authors and publishers of this podcast do not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, or consequences of using the information provided.

If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts!

Get a copy of Kristen's Upcoming Book: Parenting Redefined HERE

Follow Dr. Cook at: https://www.facebook.com/MomDocTalk/

Intagram: https://www.instagram.com/momdoctalk_kcmd/
https://twitter.com/momdoctalk
https://www.tiktok.com/@momdoctalk_kcmd?lang=en

Transcript

0:31

Hi. Welcome back to mom Dot talk. I'm Doctor Kristen Cook. I'm your host, a pediatrician, mom of two strong willed kids and someone who has walked alongside thousands of families through the most intense, beautiful, and sometimes confusing stages of early childhood. Today, I'm talking about what parents wish they knew about toddlers and preschoolers, because this stage it can feel like a complete shock to the system. One minute you have this sweet, snuggly baby, and the next minute you have a tiny human throwing themselves on the floor because you gave them the wrong cup. By the way, that exact same cup happened to be their favorite cup until the exact moment it wasn't. I've been there. When my son Mason was a toddler, I was mystified by his behavior until I chose to understand it. And if you've been listening to Mom Duck talk for a while. You know that I had an epiphany when Mason was a toddler. If you have heard the story before, I apologize for the repetition, but here's where it all began for me. We were on vacation, and Mason had an epic temper tantrum in a very busy restaurant. He ripped his grilled cheese sandwich in half, flung both sides across the room, and ended up hitting a man's square on his cheek. I wanted to crawl under the table and die, but that incident was a turning point in my life, and it helped me to gain a deep understanding of why children behaved the way that they do. I want parents to understand that when a toddler or a preschooler has a temper tantrum, it is not an expression of defiance. It is not an indication that your child hates you. Quite simply, temper tantrums are an expression of an overwhelmed brain. It sounds incredulous, but I believe this to be true. I encourage you to adopt the same approach with your child. Your toddler is not misbehaving because they hate you. Your preschooler is not misbehaving because they want to hurt your feelings. They are misbehaving because their brain is still under construction. I believe that when you can understand why your child acts in the ways that they do, you can unpack what's happening beneath the behaviors. When you understand the why, everything changes. Because again, the truth is that your toddler or preschooler is not intentionally misbehaving. They are not trying to cause you physical, mental, or emotional discomfort. And they are not intentionally trying to be defiant. And today, I'll be pulling directly from the framework I teach in my book, Parenting Redefined A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing your Child's Behavior to help them thrive, because the goal is not to try to control your child's behavior. It's to understand the behavior so you can guide problematic behavior into desired behavior. Here's the first truth that changes everything. Toddlers are not many adults. Their brains are still developing. Toddlers and preschoolers don't act like adults because they cannot think like adults. In my book Parenting Redefined, I discuss how childhood behavior, especially problematic behavior, is actually a form of communication. Toddlers don't lack intelligence. They lack impulse control, emotional regulation, and flexible thinking. And this lack is not intentional. Their brain is still under construction, especially the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for reasoning, logic, and self-control. So when your toddler melts down, refuses to listen, hits or throws, it's not defined in the way we interpret it as adults. It's dysregulation. And when we mislabeled dysregulation is defiance, we respond in ways that escalate the situation instead of calming it. The goal is not perfection. Rather, the goal is progress and connection. Problematic behavior in toddlers and preschoolers, such as temper tantrums, aggressive behavior such as hitting and biting, and picky eating are not manipulation strategies. Each behavior is an expression of an emotional overflow and an overwhelmed brain. Your child is not thinking, how can I make my parent miserable today? They're thinking, well, actually, they're not thinking at all. They're feeling and they are experiencing big feelings. Overwhelming feelings. Potentially scary feelings. In fact, I believe that the problematic behaviors that toddlers and preschoolers demonstrate are actually a nervous system response, not a behavioral problem at all. Here are some things that parents of toddlers and preschoolers need to know when it comes to problematic behavior. Number one, you cannot reason with a dysregulated child when your child is in mid tantrum or mid hit. Logic will fail every time. Please stop trying to talk your child out of their misbehavior. It won't work. In fact, that approach will fail miserably when your toddler or preschooler is acting out. They need to self-regulate. No matter how long it takes or how ugly it looks. Logic and reasoning won't work until the child is calm. Have you ever tried to talk your child out of a temper tantrum. I bet the tantrum got worse and there's no judgment in that. It seems counterintuitive, but I promise you that attempts to stop problematic behavior will make that behavior worse. Instead, I encourage you to take a step back. Resist the urge to yell at your child and let your child calm down before you respond. Next up. Your calm matters more than your words. In fact, I believe that your nervous system is your child's anchor. If you escalate, they escalate. But if you maintain a calm facade, even though you may feel like screaming your head off, you are ahead of the game. I understand how incredibly challenging this can be. I'm a mom and I've been there. If you need guidance on how to stop yelling at your child, please go back and listen to my episode about being a duck on a pond. It's a great strategy that helps parents decrease unwanted parenting behaviors and finally, understand that the best response is not to try to stop the behavior. It's to help guide your child through it. If you want to dive deeper into effective management of temper tantrums, go back to the early episodes of mom Dot talk with Doctor Kristen Cook way back to episode 13. One of the biggest concepts I wish I understood when my son was a toddler was that his misbehavior was not meant to intentionally hurt me physically, mentally, or emotionally. I want to say this loud and clear when your toddler misbehaves, it is not a reflection of your parenting. It is not a reflection of how much your child does or does not love you, in fact. And I say this respectfully, but your child's behavior is not about you. Your toddler is not rejecting you. They are expressing themselves in the only way they know how to. In Parenting Redefined, I talk about how easy it is for parents to internalize their child's behavior. Your child says, I don't like you or you're a meanie or they push you away. Ignore. You, melt down and it feels personal. But toddlers and preschoolers do not have the capacity to evaluate your parenting skills, intentionally disrespect you, or try to manipulate your emotions. In fact, they are reacting from emotion, not intention. That is exactly why their behavior is not about you. When you stop taking your child's behavior personally, everything shifts. You become calmer, more grounded, and more intentional. And that's where connection begins. My daughter Savannah was only four years old the first time she told me that she hated me. In fact, she didn't just say it. She screamed, I. Hate you. And slammed her bedroom door in my face at four years old. And honestly, I was so shocked that I started crying because those words stung. But once we both calmed down, we had a nice, albeit brief, discussion about how much those words hurt. Another shift I teach in parenting redefined as this. Stop asking yourself, how do I stop my child's behavior and start asking yourself, what is this behavior telling me? Because when you understand the root cause, you respond instead of react. You teach through discipline instead of punishment and you connect instead of control. Another parenting truth I want parents of toddlers and preschoolers to understand is the importance of developing patience. Your toddler may resist potty training. Your preschooler may continue to throw their vegetables on the floor during every single meal. Your little one will likely walk in on you when you are trying to pee. Demand your attention and leave the bathroom door wide open while they are doing so. Find a way to stay calm. Find a way to adjust your schedule if needed. And please know that these behaviors will not last forever. Another thing that parents need to understand is that perfect parenting doesn't exist. You will lose that patience. Sometimes you will make mistakes. You will occasionally wonder if you're ever doing anything right. That's part of the journey. Children do not need perfect parents. They need consistent, loving, responsive parents who are willing to repair when mistakes happen. In fact, those moments of repair when a parent apologizes, reconnects, and tries again. Teach children powerful lessons about relationships. One of the most common traps parents fall into is comparison. We compare our children to other children, including their siblings. We compare ourselves to other parents. But the truth is that every child arrives with their own temperament. Some babies sleep easily. Some wake frequently. Some toddlers are relatively calm. Some are spirited and strong willed. Parenting becomes so much easier when we focus on parenting the child that we have, rather than the child that we imagined. Understanding your child's personality and temperament allows you to work with them rather than constantly fighting against it. It's important for parents to understand that the hard seasons are temporary. Parenting includes difficult phases sleep regressions, tantrums, school struggles, teenage independence. When you're in the middle of one of those seasons, it can feel endless. But children grow and change quickly. Over the course of my career. One of the most common things that I have heard parents say years later is I wish that I had worried less because the difficult phases often passed sooner than we expect. It's important for parents to understand that love is deeper than you can imagine. For all the surprises, challenges, and adjustments that come with parenting, there is something equally powerful on the other side. The love. The moment your child laughs uncontrollably the first time they run towards you after school. The quiet bedtime conversations. The pride they demonstrate when they overcome something difficult. Parenthood expands your capacity for love in ways that are hard to fully understand until you experience it. And here's what I want every parent to hear. You are not raising a perfectly behaved child. You are raising a human being, a human being who is learning to experience strong emotions, how to cope, and how to exist in the world. Your job is not to eliminate their struggles. Your job is to guide them through them, and some struggles may be harder for you than your best friend's struggles. And that's normal. If today's episode resonated with you, I want you to know this. You are not alone and you are not doing it wrong. This stage is hard not because you're failing, but because your child is growing. If you like to go deeper into this approach, my book parenting defines walk you through exactly to how to understand and respond to your child's behaviors in ways that builds connection, confidence, and long term emotional health. And if you know another parent who is in the thick of toddler or preschool chaos, please send this episode to them. Because sometimes the most powerful thing that we can offer another parent is perspective. Thank you for spending this time with me today on Mom Talk with Doctor Kristen Cook because the more we support each other on this journey, the more peaceful and effective our parenting can become. Until next time, remember, do your best to parent the child you have, not the one that you want, and please take care of yourselves along the way.