Why Don’t Kids Listen Even When We Repeat Ourselves?

In this episode of MomDoc Talk, Kristen explores why children struggle to listen and why parents often resort to repeating themselves. She explains that listening is a learned skill influenced by developmental stages, not defiance. Kristen offers age-specific strategies: getting physically close to toddlers and using simple commands, setting clear expectations and consistent consequences for school-age children, and shifting from control to influence with teenagers. She emphasizes connection, natural consequences, and realistic expectations. Kristen reassures parents that their child isn't broken and that small changes in approach can lead to less frustration and more peace at home.

What you’ll learn:

• Common parenting challenge of children not listening
• Listening as a learned skill rather than an inherent trait
• Developmental reasons for listening difficulties in toddlers, school-age children, and teenagers
• Practical strategies for improving listening skills by age group
• Importance of connection, consistency, and natural consequences in parenting
• Adjusting parental expectations based on children's developmental stages
• The impact of attention issues and distractions on children's listening abilities
• Effective communication techniques for different age groups
• The role of autonomy and independence in teenage behavior
• Encouragement for parents to focus on progress and maintain strong relationships with their children

Order My Book:
Parenting Redefined: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child's Behavior to Help Them Thrive

Podcast Disclaimer

The information presented in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitution for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider for medical concerns. All of the opinions are of Dr. Kristen Cook and do not reflect the opinions of her employer nor the hospitals she is affiliated with. The authors and publishers of this podcast do not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions, or consequences of using the information provided.

If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts!

Get a copy of Kristen's Upcoming Book: Parenting Redefined HERE

Follow Dr. Cook at: https://www.facebook.com/MomDocTalk/

Intagram: https://www.instagram.com/momdoctalk_kcmd/
https://twitter.com/momdoctalk
https://www.tiktok.com/@momdoctalk_kcmd?lang=en

Transcript

0:33

Welcome to Mom Doc Talk with Dr. Kristen Cook, where real-life parenting meets medical expertise. I'm your host, a pediatrician with over a decade of experience, and just like you, a parent navigating the ups and downs of raising good human beings. With stories from my own experience as a mom, lessons in child development, and insights based on scientific evidence, I'm here to share practical strategies that work. Let's dive into this journey together and make parenting feel a little more peaceful and a lot more rewarding. your voice gets louder, your patience gets thinner, and suddenly you're thinking, "Why does my child not listen until I yell?" If your home is anything like ours, getting ready for school is a constant struggle. After being woken up, Mason continues to lay in bed watching TikTok. We have to ask him multiple times to get up and get dressed. Savannah stays in her bedroom doing who knows what until the last possible minute. Both kids often need to remind to pack their lunch, get their backpacks ready, and put their shoes on. The other day, Mason came downstairs without socks on. My husband told him to go back upstairs and put on his socks, and three minutes later, he came down with bare feet. What makes this even more frustrating is that we have been doing the get ready for school routine for years and years. If this scenario you are not alone. And more importantly, you are not doing anything wrong. In this episode of Mom Doc Talk, I'm breaking down why kids don't listen, what to reasonably expect from your kids based on their age and developmental abilities, how parents can shift their expectations, and exactly what to do instead of repeating yourself a hundred times. Because here's the truth. Listening is a skill. It's not a personality trait. And it requires instruction over and over again. Let me say that one more time for the people in the back. Effective listening is a skill that needs to be learned. It is not something inherent. Your child will not magically develop good listening skills. It takes time and consistent effort. Before I jump into strategies, I encourage you to pay attention to your mindset. In my experience, most parents misinterpret a child's lack of listening, especially when it comes to intent. Your child is not ignoring you to be difficult. They are not trying to be defiant, and they certainly aren't trying to hurt your feelings. They're not listening because something in the system isn't working. There are three main reasons kids don't listen. Number one, they physically didn't process what attention, distraction, brain development are all essential aspects to consider and to fully understand. Number two, they don't feel motivated to respond. From their perspective, there's no clear reason to act now. And number three, they learn they don't have to. Because eventually, we repeat, negotiate, or do it ourselves. So if you're repeating yourself all day long, the problem isn't your child. It's the pattern. And the good news? Patterns can change. Let's start with toddlers and preschoolers. I want you to understand that children at this age are not wired to listen consistently. The reason for this is because their brains are still under construction. Kids at the stage are impulsive, emotionally driven, and easily distracted. So when you say, "Come here so I can help you put your coat on," and they don't, it's not defiance. It's developmentally appropriate. It's insanely frustrating, but completely normal. Kids at the stage struggle to shift attention and control their impulses. And they may not be physically capable of doing what you are asking of them. Several years ago, I saw a patient for behavioral problems. The mom was frustrated that her child would not listen. She showed me a video as an example. In the video, mom politely asks the child, who was a toddler, to get dressed. He smiled, grabbed his jeans, and attempted to put them on. He struggled, which upset the mom. So she started yelling at him to put on his pants. But he didn't possess the fine motor skills to do that independently, at least not while being scolded. What followed was more yelling and eventually a massive temper tantrum. So what does not help toddlers and preschoolers listen? Yelling at them for not listening. Repeating commands over and over without changing your language. Expecting immediate complaints every time because that is completely unrealistic. Instead, I encourage you to get physically close to them. Embrace the concept that if you're not within an arm's reach, you're competing for them with the entire world. Here's the strategy that I recommend. Walk over to your child. Get down to their level, look them in the eyes, and then express your request. When you do so, use fewer words. Toddlers and preschoolers don't process long explanations. Instead of saying, "I need you to put your shoes on because we're going to be late," consider saying, "Shoes on, please. Time to go." Then make sure to follow through immediately. This is the game changer. If you say something follow through, you're actually teaching them not to listen. And this is the exact outcome you do not want. For example, if you tell your child,"It's time to leave the park," make sure you gather them up and leave. If they don't get off the swing once, you verbalize this request to leave and you call me, "Go get them." No countdown, no repeating yourself. You need to set a precedent that leaving the park is not optional and ignoring your request is not going to change the outcome. And yes, there is a way to do so gently yet firmly. While it is important to maintain your role as the person in charge, it's also important not to throw that in your child's face. Consider giving your toddler or preschooler controlled choices. This gives them power without losing structure. For example, when it is time to run an errand, you can briefly explain the errand and then ask, "Do you want to hop to the car or do you want to run to the car?" This helps strengthen your relationship with your child and it also builds autonomy. It's also important to understand that connection needs to occur before direction. If your child is in a dysregulated state, especially if they are in the middle of a temper tantrum, they have no ability to listen to you. Again, they are not being defiant. They are simply struggling with biology. And if you need more information about a child's brain, please listen to episode one of Mom Doc Talk with Dr. Kristen Cook. In that episode, I explain why you cannot talk your child out of a tantrum and why it is so important to let your child self-regulate before you attempt to redirect them. If I can provide one piece of advice at this age is that children are still learning how to be good listeners. Parents play a critical role in helping them develop this skill. Finally, toddlers and preschoolers learn through modeling or observational learning. If you want your child to be a good listener, you need to be a good listener. Let's move on to school-age kids. They possess the attention span to listen to their parents, especially if the instructions are brief. But here's the catch. They are testing independence. Even more importantly, they are still more easily distracted than adults and they're very aware of patterns. If they've learned that you'll repeat yourself, they will likely wait you out. If you ask them to put their dishes in the sink over and over again, only to do this task yourself, you are teaching them that you will do the task for them. Here's what won't work. Nagging, repeating instructions, and threatening consequences that you don't enforce. What actually works? Say it once, then act. This is your new philosophy. If you ask, please put your backpack away and it doesn't happen, it may be time to provide a consequence. It's also important to set clear expectations, and this is often most successful when parents use "when, then" language. This creates clear structure. For example, when you finish your homework, then you can watch your tablet. No arguing, no negotiating. Children crave consistency. Make sure to create predictable routines. For example, once the kids get home from school, they have 30 minutes of free time to decompress. Then they do their homework, eat dinner, take baths or showers, have free time, then get ready for bed. Finally, it may be helpful to make expectations visible. Consider using charts and checklists because our kids are less likely to ignore what they can see. If your child has fallen into the pattern of repetition leading you to do their tasks for them, it's time to get creative. If they don't put their cereal bowl in the sink, consider putting it on their pillow. At first, they may simply move it to the floor beside their bed. But if you have repeated conversations about the importance of putting dishes in the sink, this behavior may change. And remember that school-aged children are concrete thinkers. If you ask them to clean their room, they might not understand what you mean. The phrase "clean your room" is an abstract concept. Instead, you need to be specific and clear. Consider telling them, "Please make your bed, put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket, and put your toys in the toy box." What seems like a child who is not listening may simply be a child who does not understand what they are being asked to do. Now let's move on to teenagers. This is where many parents feel like they've completely lost control. But here's what actually is happening. Teens are wired for independence. They are exploring their identity. They are trying to figure out how they fit into the world. Their brains prioritize autonomy over compliance. And they shut down when they feel controlled. So if you're repeating yourself with a teen, you're likely triggering resistance, not cooperation. What does not work at this age? Lecturing them, engaging in power struggles, and trying to control everything. What actually works is shifting from control to influence. Use collaboration. For example, if your teen has a massive science report due in a few weeks, ask them, "What's your plan for getting this done?" Instead of demanding that they immediately stop playing their video games to work on the project. And parents never underestimate the power of natural consequences. Natural consequences are the outcome of a person's behavior that occurs automatically without any parental intervention. It's the toddler who complains of being cold when they refuse to put on their winter coat. It's the school-aged child who forgets to brush their teeth and has to go to school with bad breath. I am such a huge fan of natural consequences because the world does the teaching for you. Please stop rescuing your teens and let them deal with the consequences of their actions. If they forget to study for a test, don't call the teacher asking them if they can retake it. Rather, ask your child if they can come up with a solution. In addition, pick your battles. Not everything is worth the fight. Neither of my kids know how to ride a bike and they could care less to learn. This irks my husband because he views it as a skill that they should have mastered by now. I have a different view. If they want to learn, they can come ask me and I'll help them. Otherwise, teaching my kids how to ride a bike is not even on my radar. If that skill is not important to them, it's not important to me. In addition, keep the parent-child relationship strong and connected. Kids listen more to parents they feel connected to. Raising children can be completely overwhelming. The reason you're repeating yourself isn't because you don't know what to do. It's likely because you're exhausted. And again, I want to remind you that in the majority of cases, your child's failure to listen is not an act of defiance. They may not remember what you ask them to do because they have a short attention span. They may not be developmentally ready for multi-step requests. They may not understand what you are asking of them. They may be distracted when you make the request. Please do not take their behavior personally. So do we as parents throw our hands in the air and succumb to the lack of listening? Of course not. When we ask our child to do something, we get down to their level, we look them in the eyes, we are brief, we are specific. We make sure that they aren't distracted. And then we thank them for listening. Is this process magic? Of course not. You will still find yourself in repeat mode from time to time. Focus on progress over perfection. If you take one thing from today, let it be this. Your child isn't broken. You are not failing. The system just needs to change. And when you stop repeating yourself and start falling through, everything shifts. Less yelling, less frustration, more clarity, and most importantly, more peace in your home. Thank you for spending part of your day with me. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend. And for even more information about effective management of problematic behaviors of childhood, head over to Amazon and buy a copy Thanks for listening to Mom Doc Talk, where we explore the world of parenting with a little bit of science and a whole lot of heart. If this episode resonated with you, please consider sharing it with a friend. Don't forget to subscribe and review this episode as it helps me reach more parents like you. I'd love to connect on social media. You can find me at momdoctalk_kcmd.