How Agoraphobia Taught Me To Be Brave & Do Scary Things

In this episode of Unbuckle Your Fears, lived experience speaker and advisor Megan Barrow, how agoraphobia and what she learned in recovery taught her to push through fear and do tough things in every day life.

Megan shares her tips and the strategies she uses today to do things like start her own business, public speaking, appear on TV and radio, and finish Tough Mudder.

Ultimately, she shares that without having been through agoraphobia and the lessons from her recovery - her greatest and most difficult achievement - she would not be living the extraordinary life and purpose she is today.

As always, she leaves you with a question for you to consider.

If you have any feedback, topic ideas or questions, email admin@unbuckleyourfears.com

For more information, head to https://www.unbuckleyourfears.com/

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Transcript

Megan Barrow (00:00):

Hi, you're listening to Unbuckle Your Fears. I'm Megan Barrow. I'm a lived experience speaker and advisor sharing my story and experiences of agoraphobia, anxiety, panic, and phobic disorders, depression, suicide, and complex trauma.

(00:17):

In this episode, I'll be sharing how agoraphobia taught me to do tough things. First, I'd like to acknowledge the Wurundjeri people as the traditional owners of the land I'm coming from today in Melbourne, Australia. Also, if you like my work and the podcast and this episode, please support my work and subscribe on your favorite podcast platform and give me a rating. Also, I'd love to see you on Instagram. Please follow me at @unbuckleyourfears. If you want to message me direct, please do so. Even if you message saying you've listened to my podcast, I'll be sure to follow you back. And if you want to check out some of my journey and some of the theory that I used, you can head to unbuckleyourfears.com.

(01:06):

I was thinking of the next episode to do and I thought what might be nice is to talk about everything I learned in my agrophobia recovery journey and how it eventually helped me do tough things. So I was always that very shy person. I had undiagnosed anxiety all my life from toddler and I don't know if it's in my bones or something happened to me. I've just always said it's sort of part of my DNA. It certainly runs in my family. But just for perspective, I was never that person who would do big things in life. I was always that very shy girl, sit very quietly, please don't notice me.

(02:04):

Nervous to put my hand up in class, would avoid show and tell, was scared to do some assault in PE class or gym class, would avoid reading out loud in class. I just, as soon as I could drop drama, I did. So all those sort of aspects of what you would describe a confident person, I was the complete antithesis. I am now someone who does public speaking, has been on TV, has been on radio, has been in print media. I run my own small business. I've done things like Tough Mudder. I go out and do boxing just for training. Don't think I'm in the ring actually boxing people seriously, but I do spa. So how did I end up being this person that now challenges and does things that most people wouldn't attempt doing? And I'm definitely someone that I know that people that have known me my whole life kind of struggle with this new me and how did they end up?

(03:21):

How did they end up on TV and doing all these things and doing speeches and getting all this feedback and being out there so much? Well, I'll tell you what happened agrophobia. I mean, it's kind of on one hand ridiculous that something that was so difficult and actually is a really traumatic time in my life and where I was in crisis from a mental ill health perspective and couldn't leave my house was also the catalyst to teaching me how to actually work through fear and do extraordinary things that most people don't attempt because it's too scary. And I share this because I want you to know that if you're struggling with agoraphobia recovery, that you can end up with the most extraordinary life. Now that doesn't mean you have to do things that I've done, but it's possible and even just the living is extraordinary.

(04:40):

But what I want you to know is that with each exposure therapy and you doing terrifying things that most people take for granted is also teaching you to do extraordinary things. So what are some of the things I actually learned in my agoraphobia recovery that now makes me choose things that are quite challenging and things that other people would avoid. And I think I mentioned in one of the previous episodes how when I was recovering from agoraphobia and I'd gone from housebound to employed, which was my first goal and I started to want to challenge and leave my first job and second job and would go off for interviews and someone said to me, "How do you do interviews with panic attacks and anxiety?" And I said, "Gee, interviews are nothing after agoraphobia." So it's kind of that perspective that, gee, there is nothing tougher when people say, "What's your biggest achievement?" It is still hands down agoraphobia recovery.

(05:59):

It's not starting my own business. I'm extraordinarily proud of that. It's not having been on 60 Minutes, although I'm extraordinarily proud of that too. It's not being on TV, although I'm extraordinarily proud of that. It's not doing tough mu, even though I'm extraordinarily proud of that too. It is agoraphobia recovery and choosing bravery and still choosing to get up and be brave every single day. That's my biggest achievement. So with that perspective of if I've done that, what's doing a speech for an hour? Now I didn't just end up there. It's taken a long time to get to here and it really turned around for me in my 40s, but if you're younger, I wish for you that you hear this and consider what would you think extraordinary and to work towards it. But I really started to, on my 40th, I really decided, right, I'm kind of halfway through life, even though I want to live to a hundred or more, but you start thinking about things and because of life and my mental ill health, I don't have kids so I don't have anything sort of weighing me down in terms of money and responsibility in that sense.

(07:30):

So let's just go out and give life a go. Let's live without regrets. And I just considered, and I don't want to be morbid, I kind of want this to be more hopeful, but I kind of thought at the end of the day, what will I regret not having tried? I know I will never regret having tried something and failed. I mean, this is cliche, but what you regret is not having tried. So it was with that, that I started my own small business. I thought it won't matter if I'm not successful if I have to go back and get another job. I will regret not having at least tried what I think I can do. Everyone around me said I couldn't do it and I thought, and I really didn't have any support in that sense and I don't have a partner. I have a mortgage.

(08:24):

Everyone said, "It's too huge a risk." And I thought, "But I'm sick of living with risk. I'm sick of being scared. I'm sick of not doing things because of my natural tendency, which is anxiety to what if myself out of it to be too risk adverse." Now I'm not a risky person and I don't encourage anyone to do anything dangerous obviously, but starting my own business, I had some equity in my home. I was very lucky in that sense. I bought quite young through hard work that no one gave me anything, but I thought, "I'm just going to go for it. " And I did and here I am 14 years later, some of it was incredibly difficult. But the other thing I learned that when things got tough and I had trouble paying the mortgage and I had to really consider, do I just shut up, shop and go back and get a job?

(09:30):

And when I'd sort of look for sympathy from some people, some family members, they would simply say, "Well, maybe you have to get another job. You have to go and get a job." But it was at those points that I was like, "No, I want to really ... I don't feel like I've tried hard enough. I'm going to keep going. " And that's what I did. That old motto, keep going, which if you follow me on Instagram, that's my motto I live by because my dear psychiatrist would say that. I have so many notes where you just say, "Keep going. " Now that is about panic and panic attacks to keep going, but I use it for life now. So what will I regret not trying and just go for it. It's exactly what I did for Tough Mudder. I was someone that couldn't run a hundred meters.

(10:23):

I'd never walked into a gym before about 39, 41 I did tough matter and choose people that are going to encourage you. I found people in a gym that were like, "You can do this. " So when there were people in my life that were saying, "I don't think you know what it is. " And I'm like, "I really do know what it is. I know it's going to be tough, but I'm training for it and I've got support and I won't be able to do all of it. I'm not jumping off a 10 meter platform or whatever it was. " I walked up there, I didn't jump it, but I did try, but I saw the overall picture and guess what? I did it. So it's possibly something else to consider. Don't listen to the naysayers, do what's in your heart, do what you want to do.

(11:11):

There are so many people that will drag you down and sometimes it's sabotaged that they don't even know that they don't necessarily mean to be doing it. They want to keep you as you are. And if I listen to everyone around me, I wouldn't have done so much of what I have achieved. I wouldn't be a public speaker. I wouldn't have been on 60 Minutes. I wouldn't have been on other TV programs. I wouldn't be still doing speeches because it's hard and it interferes in some of my work. I certainly wouldn't have started my own small business and I certainly wouldn't have done Tough Mudder. Do you say thanks, but to all those people that mean well, will say they mean well, but at the end of the day, you need to live with you. I think the other thing that's really important for me is to understand the time continuum.

(12:10):

Now that sounds very physics related, right? But don't worry, I'm not that smart, but essentially at the end of the day, time always moves forward and I know that when I want to do something and I accept it and commit to it, that eventually it will be over. So all those massive things that you think I just can't see how I'm going to get through it and then all of a sudden it's done and I think we have to not worry if it was perfect or usually we get through fin, but even those rare times where I've done something and it wasn't as great as what I thought and whilst I can sort of overthink that for a while in the end of the day, whether it's a month later, a year later or 10 years later, I think, "Darn, you did it. You attempted it.

(13:11):

How fantastic." And guess what? Now it's just a memory. We will always get through it. And I remember hearing, and I don't know where he heard it, but I remember hearing John Hamm, the actor from Mad Men and he's done a few other things, but I remember him in an interview saying, "You can do anything for an hour, and it's so true." And he was talking about, so again, I can't remember where he got it, but he was almost talking about torture and war crimes and things like that, that the human spirit we can get through a lot. So getting through a panic attack or a speech, we'll get through it. It doesn't feel like it in the moment, but I know that I often and now I just remember probably, I think it was my second public speech and I do them through Beyond Blue, which is a massive mental health organization in Australia and I volunteer my time and we got trained and I've also done them with, "Are you okay?" And I was terrified.

(14:16):

Well, I was terrified for the first one as well, but I remember the second one being almost more traumatic that when I walked into the room, it was a bigger room, like there was about 60 people. The first one I ever did was a classroom of year 11s. My mom came along to support and Beyond Blue came to just check I was okay too. So it was almost like, "If something happens, there are people here, which I know not a great way to think, but that's how you think, right? But this one I was like, oh, I'm all on my own and oh my goodness, it's a workplace." And someone was signing and they're saying to me, "Make sure that you don't make sure to pace yourself because of me and blah, blah." And I'm like, "Oh my goodness, I don't think you realize this is my second speech, but I can't tell you that.

(15:10):

" The first speech I could kind of say, "This is my first speech." Anyway, I just remember it felt so surreal walking up to the lectern. I was introduced, walked up to this lectern and I'm looking at this sea of people of 60, 70 people in this sort of theater room and I just remember thinking, "Just do it. " So I just remember I just sort of looked down and started my speech and looked at the audience and started and all of a sudden I got through it and I was getting through it. So from there on I kind of embraced, this is going to feel really surreal. So that's kind of a tip I would give you. When I was waiting to be interviewed for 60 minutes, it felt so surreal. There were people setting up cameras. There was the journo that I knew that was quite well known in Australia.

(16:04):

He's sitting opposite me talking. I've got the producer over there. I've got lights in my ... I was like, "That felt so surreal." And then you've got the clicker board and oh my goodness, it's okay for it to feel surreal because it is. It's outside your comfort zone. It is going to feel surreal, which is the same as exposure therapy. That also feels real and on that it's going to feel scary. So I just accept it every time, even today I've lost count of the speeches I've done in between Beyond Blue Are You Okay and other things. I mean, it would have to be 50, 60 speeches, but even now today I still will get nervous. I think that's quite normal. You hear actors talk about that. If they have to go on stage, they're terrified a lot of them. So that's a natural body reaction.

(17:00):

That's something that you can't always control and all those exercises, same with the exercises for panic attacks, gee, but all those exercises they say, "Do this and you won't feel easy anxiety." Yeah, no, I've tried them pushing against a wall and deep breaths and all those sort of things, they just don't work for me. So anyway, I just kind of know I'm going to feel terrified and it's okay. It's okay to feel scared. It's okay if your voice shakes to begin with. For me, I also get sort of a bit of a nervous rash. That's also okay. Most people in the audience wouldn't want to be up there speaking and most people have empathy for the situation. For me, I'm kind of lucky that because I'm sharing my lived experience and I start about sharing that I have anxiety, that most people are quickly on board with me and are like, "Oh my goodness, here she is.

(17:55):

" The other thing I do and I'll probably leave this as my last tip for you that I use is having a bit of FOMO. I always think if it's a speech or something, something that other people could get, will I be hugely jealous if I see someone else having done it and I haven't and I had the opportunity to. Now I think, I don't know, is it normal that sometimes I get jealous when I see people have got opportunities I haven't got been offered, but gee, if I've been offered it, I've only got myself to blame if I don't accept it and I see someone else having done it and saying how great it was or getting benefits from it. The only person that I could blame for that is me not attempting it. Sometimes I use that as a strategy That's really helpful for me.

(18:55):

So if I had have seen someone else do 60 minutes, I would have been, I could have done that better or I would have shared this or whatever, which is all really self-absorbed stuff, right? But that's, I'm being really very authentic and honest here, but hey, I couldn't say that if I had the opportunity to do that. So think about how it would feel if you see someone else doing it. What's the opportunity lost here? Because gee, I know that opportunities are fast and fleeting and you need to grab them and once you accept one, you're more likely to get others. If you're the person that says no, right or wrong, people and society and opportunities just give up. So grab them again, go back to what I was thinking, what I talked about in terms of what you'll regret not trying so don't overthink it.

(19:59):

Just think I'll regret not having tried it. So thank you agoraphobia and thank you all that trauma I went through over 10 years and more. Thank you for teaching me that. I'll leave you with this. After 60 minutes, my mom took me away to our beach house and we went for a walk and I was exhausted and it was so massive and we were having a walk and something came up about life and we must have been talking about how I hadn't been diagnosed with my panic attacks that I saw seven doctors. You can hear that on other episodes. And she said, "Gee, I often wonder if you'd been diagnosed how different your life would have been that you know, would you have had a family?" And I said, "I wonder that a lot myself, that I'm sure I would have not lost so much of my social experiences at a really important age and I'm sure I would have met someone and been out there and had kids and all that.

(21:16):

" And then I said, "But I also wouldn't have just done 60 minutes now." I often wish, and I've spoken to some people with lived experience and we often talk about, "I just want a really boring and ordinary life. I just want a year when nothing much happens. I just want wellness to just be normal," in quotation marks, but hey, that's not the hand I've been dealt. I've lived an extraordinarily difficult life, but now I'm using it to live with purpose and to do things that fear old, 10 year old, 20 year old, 30 year old, 35 year old me could never have imagined.

(22:14):

So I hope you've learned a bit here and what I would encourage you to do if you're sort of thinking, "Oh, this all sounds great, Megan, but gee, I'm just dealing with getting out of the house. I hear you. I was there, remember." But even some of these tips might help, but overall I want you to remember that it's worth it. It is worth the fear and exhaustion. Please keep going. And the question I'll leave with you today that I always want you to kind of reflect back to your life after each topic and episode. I want you to have a think about what you'll regret not having tried and I would shift this question over the years depending where you are in your wellbeing.

(23:19):

For now it might be simply seeing a play or seeing a gig or there's lots of gig. There's a lot of all those that I've regretted not trying. It might be doing an art class. I've just started pottery again, bit nervous walking into something I've never done before with a bunch of strangers, but what will I regret not doing it and trying it and let's go for it. Same with boxing. There's lots of things I do every day now that just sort of let's be that person I want to be. No one's stopping me but me. And again, I know this is different depending where you are in the health journey, but have a think and even if it's just a goal you write down and you can't even contemplate working towards it now, think about how you just put it aside. Just put it somewhere, wrap it up, fold it up, put it somewhere, physically write it down.

(24:27):

I always think get a pen and paper and write it down, make it beautiful even. Just write it down or pin it on a pinboard or pop it on your fridge or just put it somewhere just for you and revisit it and use it as a goal and know you can do it because my life has changed in so many ways and it's because of everything I learned because of agoraphobia and in my recovery.

(24:59):

I'll leave you with that. Take care of yourself. Again, you can follow me on at Instagram.com/unbuckleyourfears. If you've enjoyed the episode, please subscribe. I'm doing my best to try and get an episode out each week, at least for the next 10 weeks or so, maybe doing as seasons or as motivation motivates me. And yeah, you can also check out my website, unbuckleyourfears.com, where I have a lot of theory that I worked through when I had agoraphobia. So take care until next time and also please drop me a line. Okay, bye.