27: Riding the Waves of Anxiety and Guilt in Motherhood

Have you ever taken your first trip away from your baby and been blindsided by anxiety, guilt, or even intrusive fears? In this solo episode, Stephanie shares her raw experience of leaving her daughter for the first time and the unexpected emotions that surfaced.

Stephanie reflects on the way intrusive thoughts show up for parents, especially mothers, and how easy it is to slip into guilt for pursuing passions outside of parenthood. She speaks to the tension that exists between being present with your child and living in alignment with your own values. She highlights both the relief of connecting with other moms who share similar fears and the challenge of reconciling two seemingly opposing needs.

Her story normalizes the complexity of motherhood and reminds us that living fully often means holding space for two truths at once. It's okay to want to see every moment with your child and it's also okay to follow your own ambitions even if that means being away from them for a moment.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:48

That guilt and that anxiety that come in, maybe that's just a me thing. Maybe that's just a highly anxious mom thing to be thinking about that. But I do think having that thought of what if I don't make it made me feel like when I get back, I really need to embrace every little hug, every little tantrum, every little moment where she looks at me with her lower lip pouted out like, don't leave me, you know, like appreciate her wanting to be Welcome to Redefining Us, where we explore sexuality, identity, motherhood, Let's break free from roles that limit us and create a life where you can truly be yourself. Well, welcome back to... Okay, well, welcome back to Redefining Us. I am here for another solo episode. I haven't really given too much thought, even what I want to talk about, but I feel like what's really calling to me right now is this phase that I'm in of motherhood that I feel like it's always transitioning. You know, once you feel like you master one thing it's like on to the next and then on to the next and it's just thing after thing after thing that changes and shifts and forces you to grow and you to change and shift and life is even like that not just even motherhood but I really wanted to talk about how I went away for the first time from my daughter after the first like 20 plus months of her life went away for a two full day trip. It was a work trip. So it wasn't necessarily like relaxing and feed up sort of experience. So I was pretty distracted for the most part. And I was really worried about missing her. And I was like really concerned about how this would impact her too. I knew she would be safe and well taken care of. And I was not worried about any of those like logistic things. So it was in good hands, but I don't know. I just like really got into my head about missing her. And I had this thought, which is so interesting that I had this thought because then I was at the conference and I spoke to another mom. She's like, I have the same thought. And I'm like, oh, this is not just a me thing, which was like a huge relief. And so I wanted to share it here, what that thought was. It's like, what if while I'm gone, I die, and I leave my daughter for the rest of her life without a mother. I know, very egocentric of me to be worried about my death having a great impact on someone, but I think if it did have a great impact on someone, it would probably be my child. And that's a lot of responsibility and pressure to be thinking about. If I die, I will be leaving my my child motherless you only get one mom you can have bonus moms and other mother figures the only one person that gave you birth And yeah, I don't know. The fear of that came into my brain as the plane was taking off. And I was like, dear goodness, please let me get there safe. Let me come back safe. I just need to make it through this in order to come out the other side so I can be here for my child. And I'm like thinking to myself as I'm going through this, like, oh my gosh, Stephanie, You have to enjoy the moment more. Why do you find yourself having these intrusive thoughts? So then when another person at this conference came up who also happens to be a therapist, she said something so similar that I was like, oh my God, me too. And yes, we have this like primal instinct to like take care of our children. But I imagine even though maybe I haven't heard about it as much, there's also this like primal instinct to like see stay alive to protect your child so you can protect your children. Because without your existence and without you being around, you can't take care of your child and you can't protect them. And I know other people can do it and that I don't have to do it by myself. And like the logic part of me knows that like, oh, she would still be taken care of. I'm surrounded by a community that would pull together and take care of her. So worst case scenario, I didn't make it. Her world wouldn't come crashing down. But oh my goodness, what a mind F basically for your brain to go through. And I don't know. I guess I am sharing this story to one, normalize the experience for other people, but to really share how anxiety can show up as a mom and how mom guilt can show up as a mom. Like I was feeling guilty for trying to do something thing to better my own career because it was like taking time away from her and you know heaven forbid like take mealy from her forever and i was feeling the sense of how am i supposed to relax if i'm away from her then i have to be productive if i'm away from my partner and he's having to watch my child having to he is getting the opportunity to watch my child full time i better make Can't waste time because... You only get so many moments of their life, and I think there's all of this pressure to be present, but then when you're not present because you're physically doing something else that you have to because you have to pay your own bills, at least most people do, yeah, it's really weird. I see all these videos on social media about stuff Slow down and enjoy the moment. Your kids are only so young for so long. And when they get older, they have bigger kid problems and bigger people problems that are just harder. And you thought changing diapers was hard. Just you wait. That's a whole nother problem on social media. But basically this message to like be in the moment. And this was the first time that I wasn't able to physically be present in the moment because I wasn't there in the moment with her. And when I go to work, I feel like that's different. That's like normal life. People have to go to work. And yes, I was working while it was gone, but I didn't have to go to this conference. I did so to better provide for myself and for my family to learn things, to grow, to push myself so I could be a better version of me, which all sound great. And I feel like are all in alignment with my values. But that value of connection and being present in that moment weren't able to be fulfilled by doing this thing, going to the conference that was actually in alignment with my values of me being independent and me being competitive because who doesn't like to learn more to do more? Well, at least I shouldn't say that. I don't like to sit back and let other people quote unquote win while I just take back seat. So going to this conference ideally is going to help me achieve that value or work towards that value of mine. I don't know. I don't know if this podcast episode has a specific point except for to just share that I think it's all a little bit of a mind if. You can go to therapy. You can do all the things. You can know your values. And when you have values that conflict or interests that conflict or things that you hold so dear that aren't exactly in the same alignment. You almost have to live in these two different places at two different times in order to get all of your needs met, in order to meet all of your values. And that guilt and that anxiety that come in, maybe that's just a me thing. Maybe that's just a highly anxious person, highly anxious mom thing to be thinking about that. I do think having that thought of what if I don't make it Made me feel like when I get back, I really need to embrace every little hug, every little tantrum, every little moment where she looks at me with her lower lip pouted out like, don't leave me. You know, like appreciate all of this, her wanting to be with me because maybe one day that won't be the case. Maybe one day I won't be here. One day she won't need me. as much. So being in this moment with her right now and tending to my own needs, my own values, I think we're going to just be in competition and trying to honor and have space for both of those things in this season of life because they are both important. And I don't think if I attempted to dim down one side of my values that I would be any happier or I think I just need to exist in these two different places or these two different wheelhouses of values. And when I have anxiety, let myself feel it. Let myself experience the fear, the thoughts and feelings. Just ride the wave. Like the dialectical behavior therapy skill of riding the wave, like all emotions go in and out like a tide. All emotions have peaks and valleys And if I try to force myself to not feel a certain way or convince myself that feeling that way is wrong, then I'm just going to get stuck. And the emotion won't be able to move through my spirit or my mind or my soul. So yeah, I'm going to encourage everyone who's listening. If you find yourself having two different values or two different parts of you that feel like they're in competition with one another, yeah, let it ride. You can't force yourself into a box. I mean, you could, but you'd probably be miserable. So just ride that wave and figure out how you can meet your own needs and be there for the people that matter most to you and honor your experience while you try to do both because it's not an easy one two three do this and this will work for you it's not a a b c all right done one time you just got to work through the feelings and the thoughts just the one time it's each time it's each moment each phase that you'll have to work through each new anxious thought that you might need to work through and process and integrate into the way that you see the world and I think that's just a lot about what being human is and about redefining yourself and your identity in each phase of life in each moment so well that's all I got for you today. I hopefully feel like you at least felt seen or maybe could relate to this. I'd love to hear from you. So please reach out, whether that's through the newsletter or just reaching out to me in the community that I have, Redefining Us, which is on our website at wellmindedcounseling.com. I'd love to hear from you and connect. All right. Thanks. Thank you for tuning in to Redefining Us once again and share with other people so other people can continue to listen to Redefining Us and we can get into more listeners ears. If you follow us or subscribe or leave a comment or review, that'd be greatly helpful for other people to find us and also just for me to get some feedback. What do you guys want to hear me say? What do you women care about hearing? I'm totally open to to bringing on guests and talking about topics that are unique and inspiring to everyone. So please let me know. And this year, hopefully we'll be full of a lot of community building, a lot of public speaking, a lot of resource sharing. So I really encourage you to follow us on social media at Well-Minded Counseling on Instagram as our handle, as well as going directly to our website, wellmindedcounseling.com backslash redefining hyphen us. So you can be in the know with all the things that are happening in the Redefining Us community. Once again, thank you so much for listening and keep being awesome.