34: The Weight of Decisions and Relationships

In this episode, Stephanie reflects on the emotional weight of daily decisions and relationships. She explores how the constant need to choose, respond, and show up can slowly wear us down, even when nothing feels particularly wrong.

She also discusses reciprocity, overfunctioning, and the importance of noticing where we may be giving more than we can sustain.

This episode offers a thoughtful perspective on connection, boundaries, and finding steadiness in the middle of everyday life.

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I wrote a book! Becoming Mommy: Aligning with yourself and finding your voice during pregnancy and motherhood, available at all major retailers - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DZT9P3RB?ref=cm_sw_r_ffobk_cp_ud_dp_KFT90ZBDS48FDGG6DH5X&ref_=cm_sw_r_ffobk_cp_ud_dp_KFT90ZBDS48FDGG6DH5X&social_share=cm_sw_r_ffobk_cp_ud_dp_KFT90ZBDS48FDGG6DH5X&bestFormat=true

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

This is Redefining Us, and I'm your host, Stephanie Cuntera, licensed professional counselor. And I'm so glad that you joined us today so we can dive into what it means to be a woman in today's society. Figuring out how we balance everything, how we grow, how we be more authentically us, and figuring out who we are through the transitions of life, whether that be motherhood, success, relationships, and all things that happen in women's lives, because it's definitely not a linear journey. And I think by talking about it and normalizing it and validating, we can all arise together and be the women that we were meant to be. So keep tuning in, and I am so excited about joining the conversation and being in your ears each week. Let's get into it. Hi, welcome back to Redefining Us. I'm your host, Stephanie Contra O'Hara, and today I just really wanted to talk about feelings and how I feel like they're always how do I describe this? Like this ever-changing flowing thing. Like one day you might find yourself being really psyched and excited. And another day you might find yourself anxious and nervous. And the next day you might find yourself low and fatigued. And it's just constantly changing. And I think we've all been sold this message, including myself, that if things are going well, you should feel well. I remember this message that was pretty popular, I feel like, during my youth of like, oh, I just want my children to be happy. I just want my children to be happy. That's all I want. I don't want anything else. I just want my children to be happy, like hearing this from my family. And I think we all somehow have that ingrained in our brains. Even though it's been debunked a thousand times already, about this idea that happiness is an experience that you have that's fleeting. It's not a constant expression of everyday life that most people can harness. But I still think we get it into our minds that most days we should feel okay. Maybe most days we should feel quote unquote okay. And I even hate even using the word should, but most days it would be ideal to feel content or to feel productive or to feel stable. And I think that maybe stability could be a goal, but to feel content and peaceful and rested, I just think is so hard to achieve in this buzzing, buzzing world. And I think there's so many concerns that we all have on our plate on a daily basis that makes it really hard to achieve that, whether it's your finances, whether it's the chores around your house, whether it's your health, whether it's your child's health, your partner's health, whether it's did you hurt someone's feelings by saying no? Was it wrong to buy this product over this product? Am I damaging the environment? Am I funding some corrupt corporation by purchasing this thing? Like every single movement that we make has an outcome, and that outcome could be positive or negative or have an unforeseen consequence. And it just, I don't know, it kind of can feel like a snowball rolling downhill, gaining momentum, becoming bigger and bigger at times, if you let it. This kind of also leads me to a conversation that I was having with my friend the other day about relationships and motherhood. And relationships in your 30s and in your 40s, and how we have so many of them that we perceive are really important, whether it's the relationship we have with ourselves, relationships we have with work, relationships we have with our colleagues, relationships we have with our partner, relationships with friends, our child, our dogs, our neighbors, our parents, our siblings, our et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It just can really get to be a long list of people that we're in relationship with. And it's just hard to be your best in all of those relationships. And some of the times that can also feel really heavy on top of all of the decisions that you make is how you can show up to be your best version of you when you only have maybe so much energy every day. I've really found that like two relationships, it's my sweet spot. Like, I maybe can have a really good relationship with work or a really good relationship with myself, and like that's it. Or like I can have a really good relationship with my daughter, and then like a really good relationship with work, or I can have a really good relationship with my husband, a really good relationship with my daughter, but then I don't have anything left for myself. And I think we get to choose, or we can choose these micro moments where we're putting our all into one and then we're pulling back, and we're putting our all into another and we're pulling back because if we just keep pouring and keep making decisions that leave us feeling empty and lead us to feeling tired, we won't ever circle back to those moments of happiness that our parents always wanted us to have. We might have more days where we end up feeling drained and depressed and worried. And there's always gonna be reasons to feel those things. Uh this is just one thing that I've landed on recently of just how much work it is to be a human being, is these decisions that we uh have the opportunity to make and these relationships that we have the opportunity to be in. And I feel so grateful that I get to have these opportunities, both of like the decisions as well as the relationships, and it can feel like a lot of that. It's like, how do I manage my gratitude to have these opportunities as well as the weight that it is to have them? I wish I had an answer for that today, but I guess I really just wanted to talk about this because I feel like it's hopefully relatable and hopefully feels like something that hearing someone else talk about it might be helpful. I think what I've only conclusion I've really drawn is just that acceptance that it is a lot. That being in charge of making a decision around what we're gonna eat or where we're gonna get our gas or where I'm gonna take my dog to get groomed. Like that may not feel like a big decision, but each of these things takes mental energy and mental bandwidth. And sometimes our brains just need stillness and rest. And maybe to let someone else make a decision for us when we consent. Obviously, we don't want people just taking our choices away or our opportunities away to make choice, but I think sometimes it could be good to delegate and when you give that consent to allow someone else to care for you and to support you in that way. I think that can be really helpful as far as alleviating the stress that it takes to make decisions. And I think it's important to also remember about the relationships at peace is that most relationships are reciprocal. So if you're gonna invest your time and energy in relationships, making sure that they're also pouring back into you, that they're also giving you joy, that they're also helping you feel supported and cared for. And sometimes it might feel like you're giving more. And I think that's important to let yourself feel rather than denying that that might be true. And if that is the case, ask the other person, especially if it's a trusted person, to maybe pick up some of the slack to maybe support you in more ways. This isn't always just like uh this is everybody else's problem that I feel this way. This also could be you getting in your own way or me getting in my own way. I tend to be a person who isn't great at asking for help in my personal life. I can do a decent job at work and delegating, but that feels like the role of someone who is leading. In my personal life, I don't really take on the hat of being a leader. I don't think it would be appropriate to enter into my relationships with my friends, of relationships with my family, being like, I'm gonna boss everybody around. Uh, it doesn't goes back to that reciprocal nature. It doesn't feel reciprocal when you're the one bossing everybody around. You want to also feel supported and cared for. So, yeah, getting out of your own way and asking for that or stop overproducing or over-performing, because then that kind of doesn't allow anyone else to do anything for you. Like if you are wanting support in, let's say, a simple task as an example, like empty the dishwasher at home. You can't continue to empty the dishwasher and then be mad that no one else did it. Like you're getting in your own way. Again, I'm speaking from experience here. I've definitely done that before. Something else that I think is a way that we enable unproductive relationships with other people is thinking that we can do it better or thinking that we can do it best, not trusting them to do it in the first place because they're maybe on a different timeline than you. The assumption that they think that you're just going to do it. And maybe that is the assumption that you've built over time, but what about changing that assumption? Just not doing the thing that maybe you assume that your yourself is going to do, or that your partner or your friend or whoever might assume that you might do. So we've been thinking about some travels that I've been on with my friends, like because I'm a little less organized, let's say, as a primary character flaw, I oftentimes let other people organize things. And that's nice for me because then I don't have to do it. But what burden am I putting on other people when I'm just kind of letting them plan everything? So I think it's important to look at relationships from both sides. Like, one, how am I getting in the way of this being reciprocal? And two, like, how am I taking advantage of this reciprocalness? And is there ways that you can lean forward or lean back on the other side? Because I think our relationships are really reflective of how we personally feel. And when I was in grad school, they would say that 80% of the client's healing and the client's ability to be optimistic about the future and have hope is through the relationship they have with their therapists, because the therapist and the client ideally have a safe relationship that allows the client to think of possibilities and think of the future and feel seen and feel heard and feel validated. And so when I think about how I individually feel, I often look at how my relationships are, because that can be a direct reflection of why I might feel the way that I'm feeling. And maybe it's the way that I'm showing up in relationships that I'm not proud of, which then makes me think about the ways that I might change, both for myself to feel better, but also for the relationship to be better. So I feel like I've been talking a little bit in circles here about this. Hopefully you're all on the same page as me. But I just think sometimes when we're feeling heavy or we're feeling lonely or anxious, we need connection. And I've already talked about the importance of a village, but I think sometimes just really leaning into like, where am I connected? How am I connected to the decisions that I'm making? How am I connected to this week that I have ahead of me? How am I connected to my friends and family? Like, where am I tethered? And which is there any of these tethers that is constraining me? Is there any of these tethers that are lifting me up and helping me see the opportunities that I have to be grateful for? All of these things have influence on how you feel and how grounded you are and how in touch with yourself that you are. So it's important to look at these different tethers and to see where you might need to make adjustments, whether things need to be loosened or tightened or tethered somewhere else. Maybe you need to untether yourself to something in order to create space for a new tether. And all of these relationships and opportunities and decisions can really help you along the way, like hopefully find that happiness that oftentimes feels fleeting and help you evolve into maybe where you're supposed to go and not necessarily just doing more of the same. I think sometimes I too get locked into this, like, oh, well, every day is just gonna be the same. I'm on the hamster wheel of life over here. And I mean, some part of that's true, right? I do enjoy stability and structure, but it doesn't necessarily need to be exactly like a hamster wheel. I can mix it up, I can do something that brings me joy. It's just whether or not I take the opportunity to do that. And sometimes that is, you know, some intrinsic motivation that I need to muster up for myself. And sometimes it's pushing things off my plate that don't need to be mine. So I encourage you to look at that. If you're finding yourself feeling more blue or in an unstable place more often than that, because you know, we'd all like to be in that lovely window of tolerance more often. You know, when we're feeling hypomania, when we're tired and down and just feeling like we have no energy, or when we're in hypermania, when we're, you know, sporadic and maybe overly energized and feeling chaotic, like that's not a good place to be either. So how do we all stay in that window of tolerance as often as possible so we can make the best decisions for ourselves and have the healthiest relationships, most effective relationships that we can with ourselves and with other people? Sometimes it just takes a little sit-down and an examining of all of the things that you're tethered to, going back to that analogy. All right. Well, hopefully that was helpful to think about and to ponder. If you have any topics that you would like me to muse about, solo episode, or you have feedback about this topic, I would love to hear it. So please reach out to me. You can always reach me at my email, hello at redefininguspod.com, or any comments on Instagram or my YouTube videos. So looking forward to engaging with you all more. Thank you for tuning in to Redefining Us once again and share with other people so other people can continue to listen to Redefining Us, and we can get into more listeners' ears if you follow us or subscribe or leave a comment or review. That would be greatly helpful for other people to find us, and also just for me to get some feedback. What do you guys want to hear me say? What do you women care about hearing? I'm totally open to bringing on guests and talking about topics that are unique and inspiring to everyone, so please let me know. And this year, hopefully we've full of a lot of community building, a lot of public speaking, a lot of resource sharing. So I really encourage you to follow us on social media at Lawminded Counseling on Instagram as our handle, as well as going directly to our website, lawmindedcounseling.com backslash redefining us, so you can be in the know with all the things that are happening in the Redefining Us community. Once again, thank you so much for listening and keeping awesome.