78: You Are Your First Sexual Partner

What if the key to sexual compatibility isn’t finding the right partner… but becoming aligned with yourself first?

In this episode, we introduce a powerful—and often overlooked—truth: you are your own first sexual partner.

Before you try to match someone else’s desires, pace, or preferences, you need to understand your own. Otherwise, you’re not creating sexual compatibility—you’re adapting, guessing, and often disconnecting from your own experience.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:12

This is the Cliteral Truth.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

The podcast where we sit around naked and talk about sex, dating, and relationships.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Welcome to the podcast. We both have colds.

SPEAKER_03 0:32

Yeah. Probably be able to hear that at some point.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

So I saw a reel online, actually saw a local, local to us sex coach, Eric Lemke, being interviewed and talking about how you are your first sexual partner.

SPEAKER_04 0:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

I really love that. So we're gonna have an episode about how you are the first person that you actually have a sexual relationship with or should. And how important that is to especially your sexual identity and your sexual style. And style is step three on sexual compatibility bridge five. But how this should be developed before you ever bring a partner in, and a lot of times it's not. It wasn't for me.

SPEAKER_04 1:35

It wasn't for me. Well, that's not true for me. I mean it sort of was for me.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Well, not fully. I wouldn't say it's fully just because you have sex or you've had an orgasm before I partnering doesn't mean that you've developed what we're talking about today.

SPEAKER_05 1:52

But it's like I mean from the perspective of were you in a suppressed background and you didn't dare talk about it, think about it, whatever. I was in that, but I still thought about it. Didn't talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Right, but had you knowing what you know now about sexual identity and about our bridge five of sexual compatibility, did you have yourself all figured out when you first partnered? Okay, you know. So I think that it's safe to say that most people don't do this. And we're gonna have an episode about how you should have this figured out before you partner, it's going to make everything way more better.

SPEAKER_05 2:37

Yes, it will.

SPEAKER_01 2:39

So how has that relationship been? If you're listening to this episode, your personal sexual relationship with yourself.

SPEAKER_03 2:50

That is a great question, yeah. So consider that for a minute.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

And a lot of that is gonna be probably it is gonna be loaded down with past experiences, past like what do I call, like what you learned about sex, how you learned about sex, who you learned from, yeah, um, how old were you, in what ways, what were your kind of I guess experiences or romantic boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever development, it might be loaded with trauma and who knows.

SPEAKER_05 3:24

So I'll bet for most people it's one thing that just comes to my mind is don't get caught.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

I don't think you can ask this question without like really sitting down and hearing a little short novella from each person. Yeah. Like how has your sexual relationship been with yourself? Like, hello.

SPEAKER_04 3:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

That's going to be a therapy session, I think, for a lot of people. Whether it's you know, good or bad, it's gonna take some time probably to answer that question. Yeah. And I think that would be fascinating to ask people. I think there'd be a lot of different stories and experiences and probably some tearful times of hearing what people had to say about that.

SPEAKER_05 4:14

But I think for most people it's gonna be it's a it's a bit of a taboo.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Yeah, I I think that there's no way that we're gonna listen to stories if we were if we had, you know, 50 people or whatever. There's no way that the majority of them aren't their stories and experiences, and and the answer to that question isn't going to be laced with some kind of shame.

SPEAKER_05 4:39

Right.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Or yeah, you know, guilt.

SPEAKER_05 4:42

Yeah, and I think that carries on. That that becomes a generational problem.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

It's like we talk about shame, we hear the word shame all the time, and it kind of goes in one ear and out the other. Like it's become that word, like if you say it too many times, you're like, What are we even mean? Yeah, what does it even mean? But so when I say the word shame, I like to think of the word ashamed.

SPEAKER_04 5:01

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

I'm ashamed of this, I'm ashamed of that. Right. I and that, oh man, it's just that just breaks my heart. You know, because we hear shame so much, but if I think about the word ashamed and people's trying to develop their personal sexual relationship within themselves, yeah. It's like, I I I just think that these stories and experiences are are going to be laced with that.

SPEAKER_05 5:28

Well, and we heard from somebody just this morning about we had a question at thrown out in a group that we're have about um are you easy or what was I don't remember what the question was. And one of the people came back and said, I'm not as easy as I used to be because I live in a in a place with paper thin walls with four kids and I'm trying not to traumatize them. And it's like that's what we do, that's how we're that's what we how we think about it. But it's like when you really think about it, if you could be open, I mean just in an ideal world, you could be open and and you're talking about it before they ever your kids ever hear any noise, but then it's just like, well, it's just like any other noise we might hear, you know, we're we're we're used to the next room. Right, and it's it's not something to be ashamed of. So so that's what I mean.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

This becomes generational, it becomes a generational problem because we don't fully get over that to the point where we can introduce even our kids, our family to this, and and so they Right, to this very normal, natural thing, and you're saying Yeah, we we it's this is one of those things we don't learn from history.

SPEAKER_05 6:34

We've been doing this for thousands of years, and and then we re we all uh we all end up having to figure it out on our own when we get to be adults. And then we do the same thing. Well, we don't want to talk about it to our kids because our parents didn't talk about it to us, and it it becomes a generational issue.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

We have not learned as a people how to accept sex for what it is. Right.

SPEAKER_05 6:56

It's still taboo for 95% of people.

SPEAKER_01 7:00

Typically, if you're having, you know, I think if you're having a lot of success, it's loud. Yeah. It's messy.

SPEAKER_05 7:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

It's uh somewhat primal slash animalistic.

SPEAKER_05 7:14

Somewhat out of control. I mean, you lose you lose your own sense of control if it's good. Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

Yeah, you have to let go. You have to let go, I guess, that's what I'm saying. What surrender or okay. So yeah, we have tried to contrive and control and and you know, sex to the point where it it's like this you know, I don't know how to it's like we've we've taken this thing and just mutilated it kind of. Yeah. You know, to where it's not even it I mean, it is recognizable, but to strip away all all the things that we've done to it now. And it it's as natural it would look very different if we did that.

SPEAKER_05 8:07

It's as natural as taking a walk or drinking water or whatever that we do in our lives. Yeah. But we we hide it, we conceal it, we are ashamed of it on some level. Almost everybody.

SPEAKER_01 8:21

And then there's been these rules that have been kind of put in place. And I I don't know if they're rules, but they're I call it maybe boundaries. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:30

Like there's kind of norms, norms around it.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

Walls that we've formed of appropriateness or appropriateness, which is a word we hate.

SPEAKER_05 8:39

Or tastefulness. We had that conversation yesterday.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

Right. So, but getting back to you know, uh all of this, I'm just trying to imagine if we had a guest here, what that would be like. And unfortunately, I'm I'm going down this like negative road.

SPEAKER_03 8:58

But what if I'll go down the road with you.

SPEAKER_01 9:02

Okay. What if, I mean, how awesome would it be if someone could answer this question? How has that sexual relationship with yourself been? If if it was wonderful and life-changing, and I've learned so much, I've grown so much, I'm I'm a better person than I thanks.

SPEAKER_05 9:20

First of all, I had a hard time getting consent from myself.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

Well, we did in this fucking chain-filled world. True.

SPEAKER_05 9:29

That is the thing. So I I think about that, but it's really true. That's kind of where it starts. It's like, well, we're not giving ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 9:35

Let's wrestle with yourself. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 9:38

So that inside of us we're pushing to have that sexual relationship, and then there's the other side of us saying, no, you can't, you know, no, no, no. I no means no.

SPEAKER_01 9:47

Obviously, this episode it it we're saying it's best to develop this relationship with yourself before partnering with anyone.

SPEAKER_04 9:56

Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

You are your first sexual partner, and and not letting that other person determine your identity, because I think so many do. They just defer to default, yes. Whoever they're with, because they don't know where to start, they don't know themselves, they don't know sex, and and then they like learn by carry like through other people, but everybody has their own identity, everybody has their own style. It's think of like sexual style when we talk about that in this step on sexual compatibility, and think of sexual identity as your personality, yeah. Think of these things like okay, are you more of a planned or a spontaneous person? Something like that. Now, in terms of pre-partnering, you know, you're going to with yourself. So solo sex, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:56

Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Are you more you you you have a plan, or I just feel like that, spontaneous, whatever. And and or both. Like uh there's nothing wrong with that, you know.

SPEAKER_04 11:09

No, right.

SPEAKER_01 11:11

I have had times on my own where I'm like, I plan that shit, like coming home from this on this day, and I'm gonna do that. Doing that, yeah. You know, yeah, ver okay.

SPEAKER_05 11:20

Got an outline, PowerPoint presentation for yourself, and I know but but you are a calendar person, and I can see you doing that.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

I did both because you know, um it and I also you know, you you have those urges or those spontaneous times where yeah, you you you just are feeling it, and you're like, am I free to, you know, hopefully you got no obligations, and you're like, sweet, I'm gonna do this or whatever, because I'm feeling it right now. Whatever. But the but that's something your energy, your tempo, are you a faster or a more you know, laid-back kind of slow tempo, aggressiveness?

SPEAKER_05 12:04

But to explore all that too, because when you explore that and you think about all the all the things you can put into that, like how you breathe, you know, if you're gonna be slow and deliberate, the the your the breath work you do with that. I mean, you can explore all these things and really but if you don't ever you just take the default that's laid before you.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

And there could be different, you know, I'm gonna uh continue here, like with okay, are you are you more sensual? Are you athletic, active, primal? What is your vibe? What's your overall vibe? Are you adventurous? Do you like to try new things? Or are you like pretty uh, you know, predictable? But I think with I think of it as uh like personality. Some people have a very well-rounded personality. Yeah, you know, they like a lot of different things and they relate to a lot of different things, and they're kind of yeah, and they're outgoing and they're and and so but I think that that's what I think of when I think of sexual style is what's kind of your sexual personality.

SPEAKER_05 13:13

Yeah, and if you don't know that, give it some thought right now.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

What happens, okay? So take sex out of it if you don't know yourself, okay? So if if you feel like your personality has kind of been formed by your parents or um your school, your religion, your what have you. If it's if you feel like you've maybe you've gone through life and you've become a people pleaser, maybe you've always deferred to everybody else and their needs, maybe and you don't know your own needs or what you even want. You are like, well, I'm going to that college because that's where my dad said I'm going, versus what have you, you know. And so yeah, this can happen with our real personalities where we have not developed our personalities to the point where we've just been we've done what we were told. Yeah, we don't even know ourselves because we haven't made enough decisions for ourselves, like what we really decided to do, etc.

SPEAKER_05 14:25

Right. And so this reminds me of my other world where I'm I coach people in not sexual dating and relationships. In my book that I wrote, Passion for Monday, I have this thing called the third mistake that makes people hate Monday, and this is exactly what you're talking about, trying to be something you're not, because you had this painted-on perspective of somebody else. You know you follow the advice of a parent or a trusted advisor or some counselor or something, and they say, Yeah, you ought to, you know, career-wise, you ought to go do this or with your life, go do this. And it's like, okay, because you didn't have that personal relationship with yourself. So so people hate what they do in their everyday world because they try to be something they're not. And and so I have an example of this. I have somebody that I know very well who went into electrical engineering because that's what his dad did, and he was the last of eight kids, and none of the other seven, none of the other eight kids went into it. He goes into electrical engineering, but he didn't want to, but he felt like he had to carry on the family business. Some for some reason. When he gets to be 40, he's like, I don't want to do this anymore. And he goes to medical school, and now he's a doctor. But he waited until he was forty. The great thing is he did it, but he that's a that's a big step to take. So this is exactly what we're talking about here in this your sexual relationship with yourself. If you wait for somebody else, if you don't get that relationship before you partner up with somebody, and if you have already, then you've got to still go back and get that sexual relationship. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 15:57

It's not too late. Otherwise, you've got to figure that out, or you're gonna be deferring to that partner, or just kind of walk to it. You're a nobody. Yeah, you're you're making you got no personality. If someone introduced you to so-and-so, they you know, what are they gonna what are they gonna say about you? And if you don't know, you want to have a strong sense of identity, you don't want that, it can be tied to your partner, but you don't want that to have come about like because of your partnership, right?

SPEAKER_05 16:30

Right. So you're again, you're taking it back to what I was saying, you're gonna you're making the third mistake that'll make people hate sex.

SPEAKER_01 16:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 16:37

Trying to be something I'm not.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Well, think about this. If you're born and like us, and you're born into a religion, into a high demand, high, high stakes, high, you know, strict religion. Yeah, that is going to make a lot of decisions for you. Right. You know, that will shape you and mold you, no doubt.

SPEAKER_04 16:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:57

And think of the same principle. Like think of your sexual identity is born from the relationship you're in and the partner you're with. That will absolutely shape and mold your sexuality, but maybe not for the better.

SPEAKER_05 17:18

Right, exactly, because it's still not what you chose.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

Right. You have to go back and have a blank slate and have all the options in front of you and not be pre-prescribed a you know, religion or pre pre-prescribed a sexual style based on your partner or anything.

SPEAKER_05 17:39

And and don't be try not to be influenced by all of those things that have been, you know. But you want to try a lot of things, yeah, exactly. I mean pinks.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Yeah. You want to try a lot of things.

SPEAKER_05 17:50

Yeah, style, activity, because then they'll know.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

You know, and so you're not gonna know, and that that gets us to the point of trying a lot of things and and being with a lot of different partners if you can, because that's going to show you what you are uh who you are sexually.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

You know, it's like you you have a kid, and if his parents say, We're gonna put you in baseball, that's what they're gonna do.

SPEAKER_00 18:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:21

But if you are like, okay, and there's baseball, there's art classes, there's ballet, there's uh rock climbing, and there like then the kid gets to try a lot of different things and typically i is going to make a choice and gravitate to to who they really are.

SPEAKER_05 18:44

But yeah, be that kid now.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Be a baseball player, be an artist.

SPEAKER_05 18:48

Be that kid and make your own choice. Because if you take that analogy further, I know s my mom was a piano teacher, and there are so many students that she had that it was the parent who wanted that kid to be to play the piano. Kid had no interest. Same both more.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 19:03

That was hard, yeah. That was hard on the teacher and hard on the kid because it didn't the kid didn't practice.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 19:08

It frustrated the teacher because they made no progress, and the only one that was hopefully getting what they wanted and they never did, was the parent by trying to force them into that. So again, that's another good analogy. Be the kid, but speak up for yourself.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

If you are kind of deferring, you know, and yeah, if you don't feel like you know yourself sexually, like, who are you? Can you describe yourself sexually? That that's the the a good question here. You know, can can you use these words like athletic, aggressive, sensual, slow, fat, you know, whatever? Can you can you use plan spontaneous? Can you use these words to describe yourself sexually? And if you're like, well, I it if you can't, you might ask yourself, I just kind of do what the other person does when I'm with them. Like you have no personality or identity, right? And that's not gonna make for a good experience for you. You I mean it's okay to be.

SPEAKER_05 20:16

Your identity is their identity.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

A chameleon, like, hey, I'm flexible. Right. But you don't want to be a chameleon to where you're like, I don't know myself.

SPEAKER_05 20:27

And give yourself the space to stand back and say, Oh, I did learn this from my partner, and I don't really like it. I'm not into it. But you've just been going along all along. You know, it's the same kind of concept of, oh, I was attracted to this person because they were attracted to me first. You know, so many people do that. So it's like, I took up this sexual identity or this practice or whatever because it was introduced to me by my partner, it's important to them, so okay, okay, I'll go along. But it really ask yourself, is that what I want?

SPEAKER_01 20:58

Right.

SPEAKER_05 20:58

And and if it's okay, if it is, that's great. But if it's not, go back to Bridge 2, bias for communication.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

Okay, so to wrap it up, it's best to develop this relationship with yourself early on before partnering. Right. But for a lot of us, that didn't happen. So ask yourself, how has that relationship been? Do you have a relationship with yourself sexually? If you're like, well, no, I have a relationship with my partner sexually. Maybe consider your relationship sexually with yourself and what you can do to develop that if you are partnered. Okay, so that you can describe yourself sexually, it's going to make your sexual experience with your partner or without, whatever, better. And just remember that you are your first sexual partner. Whether that is what you kind of you know formed or not like it's not too late to get back to figuring out who you are sexually and forming your identity in this podcast we often use the terms women and men when discussing relationships and sexual dynamics. However we want to acknowledge that not all women have vulvas and not all vulva owners identify as women. Similarly not all men have penises and not all penis owners identify as men. Our podcast welcomes individuals and couples of all orientations and identities. We aim for inclusivity but fully acknowledged that our attempts will never be perfect. We are learning and adopting new language as humankind and our world evolves.

SPEAKER_02 22:52

Hey just a heads up we're not therapists or doctors but we do coach people on sex, dating and relationships based on our own experiences, research and the wild stories we've heard and lived along the way. What we share is for your inspiration and education, but it's not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. If you're facing a serious issue please seek out the right kind of support. In the meantime keep listening stay curious and let's keep the conversations going