79. Sexual Tension and Sexual Chemistry: The Difference and Why it Matters

What’s the difference between sexual tension and sexual chemistry? In this episode, we break down the distinction. Tension drops once sex happens. Chemistry reveals itself.

We talk about how sexual tension thrives in anticipation—the looks, the flirting, the suspense, the “will we or won’t we.” And the moment sex happens, that tension is released. It’s done its job.

But if you've got chemistry on your hands, that initial pull toward each other keeps pulling. Desire continues. And the question of compatibility is raised.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

This is the Cliteral Truth.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

The podcast where we sit around naked and talk about sex, dating, and relationships. So we're preparing for our upcoming webinar series. And in doing so On the seven bridges. On the seven the seven bridges of a solid relationship webinar series, which is a seven-part, seven-week, seven individual webinars on each bridge.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

And if you haven't signed up for that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

Yeah. So we're preparing for this webinar. And in doing so, we are listening to our bridge episodes. So we're listening back to Attraction, which is quite a ways back. Uh in in the beginning of our episode, I was telling Ryan. Episode nine, actually. I was wow. So yeah, I was telling Ryan, like, wow, your editing has gotten so much better. Like, so if you listened back when, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Uh yeah, for sticking with our ums and uhs and no's. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

So uh it's it's if you're listening on double speed to episode nine, I'd I would too. Anyways, but so in do in listening back to this episode, though, we're taking notes, we're we're building our outline for our webinar, making sure we cross all our all our T's. And we've we've learned a little bit since then, and we're kind of trying to like clarify, really get down to to things. And I think that part of that episode was just a great discussion about well, what do you think about this and that? You know, we've got this framework, but how much nuance is is there within the framework and how much of it is really no, like we're we're solid on on this, and this is what we what we think.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

So sometimes we are just we are learning as we go along, you know, which is what everybody does, and so it's kind of cool what we discovered to be.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Yeah, it's what everybody does, and even you know, experts in their fields are still constantly learning.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

So I I much rather I I trust someone who is constantly learning, clarifying things, improving things, science changes in many different fields, and and then you know, the experts uh tend to be leading that that charge, you know, of of learning and discovery, right? So what we learned from listening to the attraction episode, we've got the three steps physical, sexual, and personal attraction. We talk about chemistry in that episode, and you've got some definitions because we got curious because we're like, is that really the right term or the right word for what we're trying to say in this episode? And I think we have a better, a better understanding of terminology and definitions, and a better word now for what we were trying to say in that episode. We were talking about how chemistry is found, is is really kind of the bulk of sexual attraction. That that step. Yeah. But what we've really found is the desire to fuck is really that early on, it's that sexual attraction, that step two. It's just really just the desire. Like, yeah, I fuck them, you know? And the word that we were searching for is sexual tension.

SPEAKER_00 3:48

Yes, exactly. And that was so we got we got this big question as we're going back through it because we're like, I really like that word sexual tension. And now it's it felt like it fit better than chemistry.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Well, I want to tell you a story about why, but do you want to read those definitions? Sure, yeah. So we get listeners rooted in those definitions of what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

I looked it up and asked the question what's the difference between sexual tension and chemistry? So the answer that came back was about difference between sexual tension and just overall chemistry, which we'll make a clarification too. So um the short version is sexual tension is energy, and chemistry is more about compatibility. You you can you can have one without the other. So sexual tension, a little bit on this, sexual tension is about charge, anticipation, pull, and friction. It shows up as heightened awareness of somebody's someone's body, voice, or proximity, nervous system response like butterflies, heat, magnetism, desire that's intensified by restraint, uncertainty, or polarity. So sexual tension often thrives on mystery, power dynamics, novelty, and the things that are kind of unspoken. Sexual tension asks, do I want you? So that's sexual tension.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Let me go into chemistry and then we'll go into your story, because your story is a great one. So sexual chemistry is different than what we will talk about in a minute, that's just like general chemistry. The three layers are, think of this as sort of a progression and not synonyms. Sexual tension, three layers. Sexual tension, sexual chemistry, and overall chemistry. So we're going to kind of talk about that here. So sexual tension, we just talked about charged, unresolved, often happens before touch or sex, can exist without safety, trust, or compatibility. It's kind of an imagined future. Now, sexual chemistry, this is how your bodies and desires work together. Sexual chemistry is what happens when sexual energy is actually engaged through touch, kissing, or sex. It shows up as natural rhythm and pacing, desire that feels mutual and attuned, ease in giving and receiving, similar turn-ons, intensity and preferences, feeling met rather than just stimulated. It's when you come around feeling like that just really worked. That sexual experience really just worked. So sexual sexual chemistry versus sexual tension. Sexual tension is more related to the bridge one and the that step in attraction, step two in attraction. Sexual chemistry is going to be more related to bridge five, sexual compatibility.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Which includes frequency, activity, and style, and dependent on on if you craw take those steps and cross that bridge with a partner, I think that would safely say you guys have sexual chemistry.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

Right, right, exactly. So that's that's really good. And so then just briefly on just overall chemistry, because that came up too, that's gonna be more related to it kind of overarches. You'll get hints into can general chemistry on all the bridges, but you'll know when you have general chemistry is like, do we work together when you get to bridge seven?

SPEAKER_01 7:00

Yeah, have we crossed the bridge?

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Secure base, it's a secure bridges.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:04

So overall general chemistry is more of a bridge seven thing. So just all that clarification. Right. With that, take it away, Lex.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

So there was something I said in the episode that I think I take back. I said, I don't think you can have sexual attraction without physical attraction.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

Right, we did say that.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

Right? I think that you can be we we said you can be physically attracted without being sexually attracted. That was the whole like Brad Pitt uh example.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

Yeah. Um I find him attractive.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

But I'm a heteroman.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

You know, funnily enough, with that though, uh I want to add this. At one point, I don't know, years ago, I came across some science that suggested that we are somewhat physically attracted to our friends, our platonic friends. No matter your orientation. So let's say that you're straight, you're attracted to to your male friends, you know, and even as a kid and an adolescent, we typically don't choose friends that we're like, uh, you know, something is very unattractive to us with that person, whether it's their voice, the way they walk, their face, whatever.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Personal traits. Yeah, we've got personal.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

No, I did this is just physical. Oh, okay. I think this is just physical.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

Yeah. Because obviously we're we're personally attracted to our friends. That's why we're friends in the first place. But I I there's science behind us being physically attracted to our friends, I believe.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

I'd have to look into that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

But so I'm not a I'm not an interesting concept, though.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

Yeah, I'm not surprised about the whole Brad Pitt thing or whatever, even when you're straight.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

And so, but I had said, I don't know if you can be uh uh sexually attracted without being physically attracted, but I think you can have sexual attraction without physical or personal attraction because I thought of this story back in my dating past, which I mean was two years ago or something. It's not like it I the way I said that was like years ago. Guys, this was pretty recent. I went on I I dated someone who I didn't really have a lot of personal attraction for, wasn't physically attracted to, but I found what what I I don't know, like just with us like talking about it, I was like, there was something there though. Okay. We we talked quite a bit about about this story and why uh so anyway, long story short, I ended up fucking him, though. And I'm like, why did I do that? I'm not you know, and I I because we were talking about like, hey, when you fuck people you're not attracted to. It's like, well, hey, let's get down into the nitty-gritty of attraction, though. What what do we mean? Like, I wasn't attracted to him and I still fucked him. Why would I do that? Right. I'm not personally attracted to him beyond uh, you know, a platonic friend. Right. I'm not physically attracted to him. I mean, it's not awful, but like, you know, I there there are reasons why not. And but I still went through and fucked him. So it's like, yeah, we talked about like, oh well, it was just convenient or whatever, but like all those those other reasons that you had the the mystery, the power dynamics, the the novelty. Okay, what's gonna happen? Ooh, we've never done it before, like, and honestly, all of those things checked out. Right. Like, this was he wanted to date me.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Okay. This was a power dynamic. This was kind of a cat and mouse. This was a bit of a chase. I guess at the end of the day, I was like, Yeah, I I am okay with being caught. And the reason why I figured out is because there was sexual tension. Yeah. And this is what I think is heavily found when you're taking this second step of sexual attraction. There's gotta be sexual tension.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

Yeah, I think that's that's what happens. So so to to bring that full circle as to what your question was, could you could you be sexually attracted without being person or physically attracted? And that's what we found is true.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

And I think I found that's true because there was sexual tension.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

Now And I had this I had a similar exam example like that myself in my dating, and it was the same sort of thing. Twice, as a matter of fact.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

Twice, right. Yeah. So the tension can be circumstantial. It doesn't really matter why it's there. Right. It's just there. It could be circumstantial of again, it's a power dynamic. Oh, he wants me and I know it. Or uh we were at this we were had this scenario or whatever it is, for whatever reason there is sexual tension there. And but the thing about it is the reason why it's not chemistry is because uh once that tension is released, yeah, so once I fucked this person in particular, that tension dissipated, it was gone. And so we had a lot of clarification when we're like, oh, chemistry, that's not chemistry. Chemistry is to be tur determined later. You might get like indications of sexual chemistry here to the the little starts of it. Yeah. Like, oh, we could have chemistry in the end, but you won't, you you probably won't know whether you have sexual chemistry until you get down the road a ways, right? And have more sex. Right. Because to your point, and we've hit on this in a previous episode called first time sex, yeah. Usually it's it's it's it's good.

SPEAKER_00 12:42

It's almost always good, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

Unless it's an absolute train wreck, first time sex, you know, you're writing a huge wave of uh tension and anticipation and the arousal is usually peak because it's novelty, right? It's first time. And so, yeah, we're we mistakenly was you were using the word chemistry for what I think sexual tension is.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

So this is a good example too, because uh the example I just gave from my his dating history where I had sex with somebody that I wasn't f personally or physically attracted to twice.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

And you mentioned that once the tension is released, then you just it's not there anymore. Well, I'm looking back on that, the first time we had sex, the tension wasn't released for me.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

So exactly this is going to be.

SPEAKER_00 13:28

I was still curious about a few things. And so there was a second time and then the tension was released, and I was like, okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

That now it doesn't make it's not there anymore.

SPEAKER_01 13:37

It's going to be a right, a a huge indicator of whether there's any long-term potential in this relationship. Yeah. Now we already knew there wasn't in these, you know, people because we already knew we didn't have personal or really physical attraction. Right. So it was a means to an end in in this case. But if you are dating and you're trying to figure out, am I crossing the bridge of attraction with this person? If you are physically attracted to them and you're trying to kind of get a feel for the second step, sexual attraction, and once you have sex the first time with them, you're kind of like, mm, okay, well that that's that's over. That's that was that. And and you don't you it's not like you can wait, can't wait to get back and etc. Like it doesn't get any better after the to your point, like first-time sex. Yeah. Those first few times.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Like it's and but not like it's only gonna go downhill from there, right? But if it does go downhill, it's not likely going back up.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Yeah, exactly, exactly. And that so for my example, again, the tension you're gonna be released the first time, and that was one of those situations where the first-time sex wasn't that great. You know, it was just yeah, without sparing the details, I just needed to the tension wasn't released, but long story short. And so so that was an example that went against that rule, but for the most part, that's true. First time sex is really great, regardless, and so you you have stand a big chance, high probability of releasing that tension if that's all you've got.

SPEAKER_01 15:24

If you yeah, if you have any kind of if you have enough attraction, that first time sex is typically good.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Right. And I did not have that, I'll be I'll admit to that. And just sort of the scenario we were in, and and we both found out in in the end that the ten once the tension was released, it was we didn't really have anything. So it was mutual.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

It's a big indicator of of the bridge as a whole, right? Yeah. So if if you if the tension's released, it's a big indicator of the bridge of a whole.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

Yeah, and you might have some actual sexual chemistry. So you know? Yeah, down the road. You could discover that.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

So the the way that we were trying to define chemistry was actually tension. And here are some words and phrases that we're finding helpful. Um it's a feeling, it's an energy, it's a burning inside, could be your chest, your gut, your skin. When you're close to this person, it's magnetizing. You want to be close to this person, like buzz-like gravitational pull, and overall it's intangible, so it's not anything that you can put on paper, really. It's it's again a feeling, it's an energy, and you need to be in tune, I guess, yeah, with yourself, your feelings when you're around certain people. Is this present? Is it not? And I'd say if this is not present when you're dating someone, you move on.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

If you don't have sexual tend, if you don't have this with someone, um and I'm not saying like you're gonna have this first date, you know? Might take a little bit, you know, we didn't have it first date. Right. Might take a little bit of time to like pull that out, really, and get a feel for that. If this isn't there, you kinda you got nothing.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

Yeah, well, here's a good way to think about it.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Not taking a step two anyway.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:24

So then it doesn't matter how much you like the person when you get to step three in personal attraction, because if you do not cross this bridge as a whole, it will come back to bite your ass. We did say that in the attraction episode, that is still true.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

Yeah. And here's a good distinction between tension and sexual chemistry. Sexual tension often drops once sex happens, and chemistry often reveals itself once sex happens. Think of you, me and you.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

That is interesting, I know. I just thought of you and you and me because I'm like, okay, so maybe it's not that the tension doesn't release, but that it was we we worked so well together. It was flawless, it was perfect. So the the chemistry chemistry s started it it's like starting the the gas on a you know, on a burner.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

And the chemistry's gonna heat up and take and take over, right?

SPEAKER_00 18:17

Exactly, exactly. And so that's the interesting opposite of that, yeah. So chemistry reveals itself once sex happens.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

In this podcast, we often use the terms women and men when discussing relationships and sexual dynamics. However, we want to acknowledge that not all women have vulvas and not all vulva owners identify as women. Similarly, not all men have penises, and not all penis owners identify as men. Our podcast welcomes individuals and couples of all orientations and identities. We aim for inclusivity, but fully acknowledge that our attempts will never be perfect. We are learning and adopting new language as humankind and our world evolve.

SPEAKER_00 19:05

Hey, just a heads up. We're not therapists or doctors, but we do coach people on sex, dating, and relationships based on our own experiences, research, and the wild stories we've heard and lived along the way. What we care is for your inspiration and education, but it's not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. If you're facing a serious issue, please take out the right kind of support. In the meantime, keep listening, stay curious, and let's keep the conversations going.