83. How Do You Know She Actually Likes Sex?

Is she genuinely into sex… or is it just a means to a different end?

In this episode, we dig into the classic sex-for-commitment dynamic (what we call the Relationship/Sex Trope™) and flip the script. If she’s leading with sex, how do you know it’s real desire—and not currency to secure a relationship? And if you’re leading with commitment, are you offering it authentically… or trading it to get what you want? We use men and women in a hetero dynamic to make our point, but the concept is the same for any realtionship type or dynamic. 

We break down the subtle cues, mixed signals, and hard truths behind sexual chemistry vs. strategy—so you can stop guessing and start seeing what’s actually there.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:12

This is the Cliteral Truth.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

The podcast where we sit around naked and talk about sex, dating, and relationships.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

Alright, I'm going to start off with why we're doing this particular episode, and then we'll get into exactly what it is. But we're doing this episode because we see we you've heard about our relationship sex trope, and there's a whole episode around that, episode 11. And then we have another one called Relationship Sex Trope IRL, which is episode 47. But what we're talking about today is the one side of that trope where women typically use sex in this trope. Not not women in general, but women in this trope will use sex for to get something they want.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

It's something else they want. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

Yeah, they're wanting something else, not that.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Using sex like as currency, or you know, you could even go as far as saying weaponizing sex.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

Uh but they're essentially using sex because it's a great currency. Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

To get commitment, to get security, to get emotional connection. That's a great currency because yeah, there are a lot of people.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

Stable or or uh yes, security. Yeah, they're they're on one end of the trope usually in this case.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

And so we wanted to talk about that because we keep seeing it come up that this happens frequently. And I think a lot of women don't even realize they're doing it. It's just become so second nature because this is the way they've seen relationships pattern for them. So they go into it saying, This is what I gotta do. I gotta lead with sex because the guy's not gonna pay attention to me if I don't. And then when I do, once I do that, then they're under the probably mistaken impression that that's gonna work. And sometimes it does, but most of the time it doesn't, and it's hardly ever lasting. So you could look at somebody who's been married forty years who might be in this trope. But are they happy? No. Are they still there for for after 40 years?

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Right, they're still in this kind of transactional relationship. They're still in this tropey relationship where it is, where so yeah. So you you got the you you know guys on the other end of this on the other end of this trope. This is a very heterotrope. You've got the guys on the other end who are i we see this all the time where guys pretend that they want a relationship or they play along with this relationship.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

Because they're try they're transacting that currency.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

Yeah, they're using that or what, like not even a promise of that, or or just a hint of that, or leading her to believe that they want commitment. That they are are gonna be committed, or that they want a long-term relationship too, just to get the sex that they want, actually.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

Yeah. So what you say about it is this don't tell guys too much. Don't you know, say less, don't say so much. But when you're when you're new into the dating relationship, because we hear women say this all the time. What do I say when we're coaching them? What do I say when a guy says, What are you looking for in a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 3:25

Hardly anything. Yes. Is what I say.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Don't tell them anything.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

Don't tell them anything because let them find out. You don't want to give them the teacher's edition of the textbook because then if they've got all the answers.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

They got the cheat code.

SPEAKER_01 3:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

Let them find out. Say, why don't you find out, you know, and if they want to know what you want so they can play you.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

Right.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

Honestly. Exactly. That's the reason they ask, is because they have an agenda or an intention in their mind, and they're like, okay, based on what her answer is, based on what she says, that's how I'm going to play my cards to get what I want.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Right.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

If you don't tell them anything, it's a fair game now. Yeah. It's more of a fair game.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

There are no cheat codes. There are, yep, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 4:08

You need to give them any answers or you know, wild cards.

SPEAKER_01 4:11

Right. So we bring this up to just to show you both sides of this relationship sex trope and what the currency is. Currency for men is commit, commit, commit, or say I'll commit. Right. Sale commit, because that's my currency. Really, or the currency for women is use sex because that's what's going to work for men.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

So it's really And I want to tell men in the trope, go listen to our episode. What you really need to do to get out of this trope. Go listen listen to episode 35, relationship types. You do not have to be in this trope. Right. You can get the sex you want without being fake, without lying, without.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

Without getting married, without getting without cheating your way through, or or leading women on or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Listen to number 35, relationship types. There's also 43, where we talk about relationship types IRL, and that's just kind of like what this actually looks like in real life. And then, I mean, go back what what number? We we did an episode just a few ago called dating. It's okay to only want sex.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

And we talk about how that's okay. Not only is it okay, but here's how you do that. You know, and it's an honest approach.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Has to be or you it's never gonna work. So it starts with admitting that to yourself and being okay with that, and being like, there's nothing morally wrong with just wanting sex.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

Right.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

And then being honest with everybody else about that, then too. And and then, you know, go to 35 and and employ relationship types. But this is an episode that is kind of a defense against the relationship sex trope for men or partners of women, or the person in the trope who may be acting like they're gonna commit or go along with women until they get the sex that they want. And we will be having an episode the opposite, for the opposite member of the trope, which is usually women, right? And it's gonna be the antidote for women slash partners of men or whoever is that on on the sex end of the trope. But yeah, number 58 dating, it's okay to only want sex. But there there will be episodes for bull for all parties.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

How to but this is just Wait when you said Defense Against, I thought of Defense Against the Dark Arts, and this is definitely a dark art.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

The trope? Yeah, yeah. It's but it's been man, it's been going on for probably centuries.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

Alright, let's get into essentially how do you know she actually likes sex?

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Yeah. And she likes it.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

Here's the thing. We're talking with someone today, me, who actually loves sex. So we used our own relationship to kind of come up with the answers of, you know, I asked you, okay, again, say less. I didn't spill my beans with you. I didn't, you know, and so I asked you, how did you know? How did you know? And these are the answers that you came up with about me.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

And so we're gonna go through those and hopefully And this is how I knew you weren't using sex as a currency or as a weapon.

SPEAKER_00 7:28

Right. And and this is hopefully helpful to the guys or whoever is dating women. Alright, number one, I didn't lead with sex.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

Right. You did not lead with sex, so it's not like so. That's a a really good indicator that that's not something you're weaponizing or using as currency. Because when you think about somebody who's in this trope, a woman in this trope, that's what she's gonna do because that's her her conditioning, that's her whole thought process. I've got to introduce it.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

I can get more commitment. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

Okay, here's the thing though, this one can be a little tricky. Okay, and the reason is is because I do love sex. I was dating using relationship types, which is which are hookups, fuck buddies, friends with benefits. You know, I had no intention of wiring a partner. Right. I didn't want a partnership. Yeah, you know, it just happened. So I was very casually dating, obtaining these other types of relationships. I I did have a lot of first date sex. Right. So that didn't have a lot of hookups.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

That would be an indicator, it could be an indicator, so that's why this is tricky. It could. Because if you have first aid sex, because a lot of women who are using this currency will have first aid sex.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

But that's why we got three more answers for you, because this one could go this one is is just a clue. It's not definitive as definitive as some of the others, because you could have someone that truly loves sex and is employing do isn't looking for commitment and is gonna have sex first date because they fucking love sex and they gotta get their they need to get laid. Yeah. But be mindful of of this one because you could have someone who really doesn't and really wants that like long-term relationship or whatever, and is just using it to get date two or to or to try to make you think that she's she's got what you want. You know, she's into it. Right. And then a lot of couples down the road, you know, it's hot and heavy at first, right, in the relationship, and then you get down the road and the guy's like, Well, where's all the sex? You know, and that's why I I hate to be harsh, but guys are dumb in this way. What are the chances that every woman you've dated loves sex based on first date sex or how hot and heavy it seemed in the beginning?

SPEAKER_01 9:46

Or how early they started.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

Well, let me tell you the chances are not very good because we get down the road and we see and we know that seemingly women don't love sex as much as men, and that's a whole other episode. It's not it's very loaded, it's not actually true, but there's reasons why they may. We have a whole episode on why women may not want or like sex as much as men do. That's a fucking fantastic episode that you should go look at. I don't have the number on the top off the t off the top of my head. But take this one with a grain of salt, because it's either this woman loves sex or this woman's using sex as as currency to get something else.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

In hopes of getting something else.

SPEAKER_01 10:32

And so for you and I, you know, just to kind of just thinking about that, we didn't have first aid.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

It could have gone either way though.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

It could have.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

Right?

SPEAKER_01 10:40

It could have.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:42

But for me as well, I was interested in you as a person because of some of the things I had already seen and we'd we'd shadow.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

On our profiles or things we had in common, and we were more interested in that at first.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:56

So it didn't happen.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

Right. I kind of wanted to know more about that, and I didn't want to blow it all on sex the first date.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

That was kind of Yeah, I feel like it was kind of weird because normally it's like, okay, yeah, I'd go for that home run date one, but because we had like some of these really cool things in common, I wanted to develop the relationship further.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

Yeah, to see if it was gonna be more than a than a hookup.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

Yeah, before before that, you know.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

We, you know, ended up having sex a couple of dates later.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

But that was one indicator that for you, I I I don't know. Again, for for me, I I do love sex, so it could have gone either way.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

Could have gone either way, but looking back, that was an in when you asked the question, what indicated to me that you it wasn't all about sexual.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

That you didn't feel I was using it the first time.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

You were, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Because we didn't have it.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

Yeah. Okay, number two, when we did have sex, I came fast early and often.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

So my argument there, and you uh that that one is uh maybe I came up with this one, I don't know. But women who love sex are better at it.

SPEAKER_01 12:11

Right.

SPEAKER_00 12:13

We we typically as humans we love what we're good at and we're usually good at what we love. It's it's just bottom line, right? You know?

SPEAKER_01 12:20

So that was the for me, so that was yeah, my term. I I remember saying fast early and often because that's how it was. It was first two minutes, easily first two minutes, maybe less than that. It was powerful right there, you know. I was like, Yeah, this is somebody who knows how to how to have sex. Yeah, how to how to have an orgasm. What they're doing. Yeah, exactly. There was it took very little warm-up, very little warm-up, and you were ready to go. Yeah. So that to me was an indicator that you had some experience with yourself and your clip mind connection.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Right.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

I didn't know the concept of clipmind connection at the time, but looking back, that's that's all that's completely what that was because I've been with plenty of women who don't have that clip mind connection, and it takes some warm-up. See, that's a difference there. That's a key difference, and that's why I think number two here is so important is that.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

And you're not you're not gonna have a great clip mind connection if you haven't worked on that a lot.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Right, exactly. You don't just so have that.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

So you in order to do that much work, you're only gonna do that much work for something you you enjoy, something you like, you know.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

And so for you, that also indicated to me, I'm thinking about this right now in real time. You didn't have any worries or uneasiness about it, like is it gonna happen? And you weren't getting there was you were not in your head even one percent that night. It was like all about pleasure, and you were going for it.

SPEAKER_00 13:50

Just really liberated and super free. No power dynamic in the room between us. No. I mean, and I'm not talking about dominance and submissiveness. There's a different kind of power dynamic that can happen where you've got someone who's super confident about well, I I can get my orgasm, and someone who may not be confident about, can I get mine?

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

You know, and usually that's women, right?

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:19

So yeah, there was none of that.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

Well, and so that was another thing for me that was I was pleasantly surprised in it's not really an indicator, but that I knew, unless you had some problems, that I could help you get there, but I I was so surprised that you got there so fast. I'd never experienced that before. That was another indicator. Again, in hindsight, that I wouldn't have thought of that night, because we're you know right. Um I'd never been asked that question.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

Okay, number three. I was in it for me, and I know that sounds super selfish, but we're gonna explain this. Um, women who were in it for themselves, not not the guy if you get the sense that she is there to get her fucks, yeah, she might really enjoy sex. That might be a clue.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

And so and that again, that was my answer to the question. Um I could tell I could tell that that you were in it for you. Yeah, you didn't need to tell me that.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

Women who don't defer in any way, they're active players in the bedroom, they share in maybe the initiation or the not even like decisions of necessarily what's happening in the bedroom, but they're just like active players that are not going along with his timeline or time frame. It doesn't matter when he comes or how often or not or whatever, they're getting theirs, right? Yeah. And for example, I mean, you you had said you remembered one time very early on when you tapped out, you know, and needed a bit of a refractory period that I got the toys out for 25 more orgasms, right? Or whatever. It's like, okay, that's cool and stuff, but my orgasm or my experience doesn't defer to yours or doesn't depend on yours or what you're doing.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

You know, it's a completely separate thing and and it's not at the mercy of of him.

SPEAKER_01 16:14

Yeah. And so another part of why this was unique is I had never seen that before. I'd never seen anybody do that before. So I was like, huh, this is fun. I want to get involved in this.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

That's wild to me that every other woman that you've had sex with, her experience differs to yours.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

Yeah, well. That's really shitty. Well, I I don't know if it was every time they were deferring to mine, but they they didn't say, Well, I'm breaking out the toys and I'm gonna keep going.

SPEAKER_00 16:42

Right. So when you're done, they're done. Or when like it depended on your d how uh I guess whether your dick was working or something like that.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

Right. Well, and so until meeting you, I just figured I took them at their word and figured they were done, you know. Yeah. And then you weren't. And I was like, Well, this is great.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

This could so what happens when women are not done sometimes when men I got I got more up my sleeve, you know, that I'm gonna I'm gonna exhaust because that's that's what I like to do. I like to have exhaustive sex, and what I mean by that doesn't necessarily mean we're doing cardio or we're it means that sex is a trend. It means that I want to be completely satiated by the time we're done. I want nothing left in me. Like I got all my orgasms out. There's nothing left. Right. Because guess what? I I got more coming tomorrow. I don't need to le leave any left over. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

You know, to get them all out.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

No, I don't need a reserve, so we're gonna get them all out tonight. It's probably gonna be ten times what he's gonna get out. Which is and so I got yeah, I got more in the tank, so I'm gonna I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_01 17:50

So that was the thing. I mean, if I don't know what it was ever in everybody else's mind, were they really done or were they were they wishing I was still going. Once you did that, I'm just like, okay, well, this is this is awesome, this is great, because now uh it gets me going again, you know. So it just builds, you you help each other. And not only that, I'm not gonna just sit there and watch you, I'm gonna get involved in what you're doing until I'm ready to go.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Probably before I knew how good you were with your hands. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:19

Because if I did know, I would have been like, hey, uh you know, probably choose that over toys, but Right, but um, I mean that was your norm, and it was not my norm, and so I was I I remember that night just thinking, what do I do?

SPEAKER_00 18:35

And then I wanted to after ever after that, I wanted to get involved, and we did, and that was when you found out that we have an episode called Sexual Liberty, it's number 10, I believe. And this is what we're talking about is women who have their own fucking sexual identity, agenda, intentions has nothing to do with him or his time frame or process or how many times he comes or whether his dick is up or down. Yeah, it's about you coming into your own sexual identity and power and getting yours. Yeah. And so I I think that women who know how to come with or without a partner, and they're going to.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:20

And for me personally, I'm going to because A, I don't want to waste my orgasms and momentum. Like I don't want to save them for tomorrow. I'm going to get all those bitches out today because I got more coming. I got I got more tomorrow. Yeah. You know, there's there's no shortage of orgasms for me or horiness or any of that, you know, and then that's kind of we're getting into talking about being in really good sexual shape. We've got a couple episodes about that, so go check those out. If you're like, oh, how do you, you know, I can't keep up with that. And B, because I want to be ready for when you come back. Because I'm hoping that you are gonna come back. Right. So what you have a refractory period or whatever, and that doesn't even happen to you all the time. Right. But sometimes it does. Right. You have a really powerful orgasm, you go limp, you need some time, but I'm like, well, hey, since I have ten times more orgasms than you do, I'm gonna just keep rolling here until you come back because then I'm gonna be ready when you come back.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

Right. Because the danger is because I really prefer your dick to so the danger is if you rest, then you lose momentum. We might not get you going again, and then we both lose. Yeah, you usually don't. When you so when you keep going, everybody wins that way. Even if I even if in some rare event I don't come back, uh you still got even more, but usually that gets me going again, especially if I'm helping. I'm I'm using my hands or my mouth or assisting with the toys or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Right, right. So that I don't have to, which is f awesome.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

Yeah, that usually gets me rolling again.

SPEAKER_00 20:57

The point is though, that this is a big indicator of if she actually loves sex. She's not deferring to your timeline, your your dick limp or or not.

SPEAKER_01 21:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:08

So she's gonna get her own, and it she's in it for for her experience. Yeah. Okay, last one, number four. I have a sex journal, which means you know, whether it's it's really on paper or in my mind, I have achievements. I have, you know, like unlocked achievements on like a video game, or I have records. I had my squirt record when I knew how many times have I squirted in one session when we came together, you know? I knew that number. Yeah. They'll accomplishments and and keeping track of things like that.

SPEAKER_01 21:43

Which was cool, by the way, that you had that record because uh then I knew what I wanted to break. So so then we had that fun as well. So sorry.

SPEAKER_00 21:50

Yeah, I was just saying though that women who love sex, they'll know these things about their experience. They'll know have I squirted, how many times, have I Done this? Have I had a blended butterfly orgasm? Have I um been able to come in this position in this way? They'll know, or this was the best time I ever had oral, or they they'll know these things and either have a mental diary or a written-down journal in their phone or paper or something, but they're keeping track of their sexual achievements, so to say, and looking forward to breaking the records, looking forward to achieving more, and and wanting to. So let's review really quick all of these things in kind of a bullet bullet point form for those people who are driving or not, you know, able to take notes on this episode. But how do you know she's really actually into sex? Number one, she probably is not gonna lead with sex.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Right. That's not gonna be a topic of the thing.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

But take this one with a grain because she might, because she loves sex. So this one's not good enough to just go off of the. Right. Two, she will likely be very successful. She might come fast, she might come early, she might come often. She's going to be good at sex, essentially. Number three, she's in it for her. Yeah. She doesn't defer to your timeline, your time frame, your dick, doesn't matter. Right. And number four, she keeps track of her achievements and accomplishments.

SPEAKER_01 23:28

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

Okay. Good luck. In this podcast, we often use the terms women and men when discussing relationships and sexual dynamics. However, we want to acknowledge that not all women have vulvas and not all vulva owners identify as women. Similarly, not all men have penises, and not all penis owners identify as men. Our podcast welcomes individuals and couples of all orientations and identities. We aim for inclusivity, but fully acknowledge that our attempts will never be perfect. We are learning and adopting new language as humankind and our world evolves.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

Hey, just a heads up.