84. Novelty

What keeps desire alive long-term: endless novelty or true sexual compatibility? In this episode, we unpack the tension between chasing new partners, keeping options open, and building a stable relationship where attraction, chemistry, and connection can deepen over time.

We also explore how committed couples can create sexual novelty inside the relationship through play, curiosity, communication, and intentional growth. If you’ve ever wondered whether passion comes from newness or from knowing the right person deeply, this one’s for you.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:13

This is the literal truth.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

We talk about sex, dating, and relationships.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

We're going.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

We're talking about novelty versus compatibility. Really, bridge five.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

Which is sexual compatibility, has three steps.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

And this conversation came up a few weeks ago between us and Yeah, we're talking about the trade-off here because it definitely is a trade-off, and there's no better choice. There is just a choice, really. And between, I guess, what do we mean by novelty? First-time sex, dating, uh, possibly getting into relationship energy. Relationship types with hookups and fuck buddies and friends with benefits. Yeah, all that's first date keeping it. Right. Um, and with first-time sex, you can expect a boost to your arousal simply because of the novelty. So that's that's a plus. That's for for this side of the coin, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

You may not even be very attracted or have much chemistry or be compatible in the long run, but it's the novelty that it's highly arousing, you know?

SPEAKER_02 1:41

Yeah, we talked about before how first-time sex is almost always good. Unless something catastrophically goes wrong.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Right.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

It's just it's just good.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Yeah, it it's easy and it it and like I said, even if you're not that attracted to them, it's easy to get right. Um, you you don't have a lot of chemistry. It's because that anticipation is driving your arousal that you're pretty much highly aroused by the time you have that sex, and so it ends up being good.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

Right.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

You know, whether you're attracted or have a lot of chemistry or compatible or or whatever. It's the anticipation that drove that arousal. Right. Right. So it tends to be good.

SPEAKER_02 2:24

And we've talked about the difference between sexual tension and social chemistry, you know, in previous episodes and in our webinar that we did, you know, where tension once it gets released, it's gone, and that's a lot of first-time sex. Right. If it's ki if there's chemistry and p potential compatibility, then it doesn't get released. You know, it's it stays there. But even with that, the novelty can wear off over time.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Well, yeah, with that one person. With that one person. So yeah, I mean, and here people can look at this one of two different ways. You take novelty and someone is like, oh my god, I love that. I love chasing a new, you know, making a new match and going on a first date and wondering what if, and having that sexual tension, and some uh another person might be like, I hate that.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

I man, I I don't want to, I don't want to chase, I don't want to try someone new, I don't want to have to go on another first date, I don't wanna, you know, and they just want something steady that works for them. And so there's two types of people, too, because someone could look at novelty as like a really great thing, and someone else might hate it. So then you look at versus compatibility. So you look at some uh a couple who has crossed bridge five with their frequency, activity, and style, and they have a lot of they they find that they're compatible, and eventually with that, novelty is gone with the who. So you have to create novelty in things and places and experiences, and that is a major trade-off, too. So, like we said, there's no right choice here, there's just two different ways of kind of going about your sex life.

SPEAKER_00 4:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

And I could see pros and cons to both.

SPEAKER_02 4:15

Yeah, so can I, and it's I think the challenge too comes if you choose not to pursue perpetual novelty, but is how do you keep novelty and spark and that sort of thing, which you alluded to with, you know, a little bit as to you know, doing different things.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

I I think a lot of people, mostly women, want something steady and stable in compatibility because of the lack of information and education about women's sexuality. Like, I know I don't think it's this mysterious, uh, like really difficult thing. It's just we haven't cared about it enough to put information and education out there about women's sexuality, and be because of that, I think that women do want something steady versus novelty because they want a partner who knows them, their body, the activities, their style, so that it can be good for them every time they have sex. If they're going into novelty situations and there's not a lot of information and education about women's sexuality, so it's not as straightforward, it's not as easy, they're gonna have a crapshoot of a time finding partners who really hit their buttons and partners who totally missed.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

And so for them, they're like, Well, I want my sex to be good every time, then I want someone who really gets to know my body. Yeah. And so they often really want that, and that's why I think a lot of women want relationships. They don't want to just date around and they get pretty impatient when they're not finding the one, you know, and and so a lot of them hate dating, actually.

SPEAKER_02 6:00

And so when you said primarily women, would you say on the other side of a hetero relationship, primarily men are looking for more novelty? Or is it?

SPEAKER_01 6:10

No, not necessarily. I'm just saying I think mo I think most people are looking for something steady and stable, right? Um with compatibility versus novelty. It depends on the phase of life, I think. It depends on what someone's been through.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

Uh, but I I think most people are looking for that steady, stable long-term partner, but especially women for that reason.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

I think men are also looking for that, but they're more likely to be okay with novelty or choose novelty over women, probably, because they don't their their sexuality, we know about it, the body parts are on the outside of the body where everyone can see them and figure them out. It's not as mysterious or they they're not a they aren't as variant. I mean, with women, it's like women are different among themselves, their experience with themselves could be different from night to night. And so I think I don't want to oversimplify women's sexuality either. I think it is more complex than men's sexuality, but it I mean it shouldn't be as complex as it has been, and that's because of a lack of education, a lack of information, a lack of caring, but it is more variant and complex um in the in the first place, and so even more the reason to have more education, more information, more caring about their sex sexuality. But with men, I think men's sexuality is more straightforward. What typically works for one man mostly works for another, there are preferences and stuff, but if you know you know your way around one man, you could do pretty well with the next, you know, kind of thing. Yeah, and so I think that men are more likely to choose novelty, and I think especially if they've been through something, like they're in a phase of life where they came from a divorce and they're like, I just need to not commit to something right now. I need something that's not steady and stable right now because they were in a bad partnership or whatever. Well, this is where I that might be where men are choosing novelty for like a break.

SPEAKER_02 8:17

Well, yeah, and this is where I wonder, because I I again I like to go back to root causes and how did we get to this? And it's like, yeah, I think I agree with you, most people want to have something stable, steady, but I think almost all people also want novelty.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Absolutely. The thing that and and I like I said, it's a trade-off, and I've made the choice for compatibility at this point. I mean, it it also it's loaded because it's like, well, you're also my best friend, so it's like if you weren't, then I I wouldn't I'd still have novelty and you'd be one of my, you know, that's where you get into relationship types, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:58

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

And stuff.

SPEAKER_02 9:00

But but what we want to talk about today is like how do you keep that novelty? Because if you I mean let me go back to where you were going, you know, you talk about the m men who've been through a divorce and are like, well, now my pri preferences and priority is novelty. Well, it's because it wore off, you know. And and why did it wear off? Because this couple who was married or partnered, whatever this relationship was.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Well, that's not necessarily why it ended. We don't know why the relationship ended.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

But if the sex was a factor in that, the novelty eventually wore off because it just and so why did it do that? But we don't know that that's still into the same ruts.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

We don't know why if that's why they split. They could split over money troubles.

SPEAKER_02 9:42

No, I don't want to oversimplify that. No. But there was definitely a novelty problem, or why would the man ever say, Oh yeah, I want to I want novelty now?

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Because there's other problems with why they split. It could be over money, it could be over losing a child or something. I mean, there's other reasons why people split, not just sexually. Who knows?

SPEAKER_02 10:01

Like, no, it's uh that's not at all what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 10:05

What I'm saying is, what would what would make a man opt for novelty now? Because it that's it's sex wasn't the reason they broke up. Yeah. Money or ch children issues or someone religious issues or whatever, what why do why would they choose novelty?

SPEAKER_01 10:19

Because if someone went through, you know, they committed to a partner and they had a really you know difficult time in that partnership, they want to break from a partner. They don't want to enter into a relationship.

SPEAKER_02 10:34

So it's because of necessarily because they want novelty. They don't they want novelty, they don't want a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

Which is our relationship sex track.

SPEAKER_01 10:42

Yeah, and I think that that's why a lot of men choose novelty is because they don't want a relationship right now.

SPEAKER_02 10:48

Right. And what they're really choosing is not relationship.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

Novelty comes along with it, but what they're choosing is not a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Yes, that's what I was saying.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

And that's why men are more likely because I think they're giving a relationship a break right now.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

And women are more likely to be like, give me the relationship, because they don't want the novelty sex as much. They want someone who knows their body.

SPEAKER_02 11:09

So this reinforces the relationship sex trope, which just quickly summarizing, and you can go find that episode we have on that. But the relationship sex trope is primarily in this heterodynamic, we see women opting for the relationship, wanting the relationship, men opting for sex, and because they don't want a relationship. So opting not just for sex, we call it relationship sex trope, and that's simplifying it, but it's actually this one wants a relationship, this one doesn't want a relationship, this one, but still has sexual needs and wants to get those met. Well, they both do. And so so then we s what we see in the trope is men falsely say, Yeah, I want a relationship, and women falsely say, Yes, I love sex.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

Right, to get the other thing.

SPEAKER_02 11:57

Never the twain do meet in those in those tropes, if they're in that trope. Now, there are people who go through the process like what we described the seven bridges of a solid relationship, or something like this, and they're they're looking for that, but they're taking the time they need to, and they're actually being authentic, coming to the table with what exact exactly what they're looking for. And so but yeah, I mean I don't want to get off the subject too much, but so men are opting for not a relationship, so novelty is just a nice following of that because if you're not in a relationship, it's gonna be novel every time.

SPEAKER_01 12:32

Right. So and I will say there are plenty of both who like there are plenty of women who do not want to get into a relationship and are done with that for the time being and are like, you know what, I'm just gonna fuck around and have fun. And there are plenty of men who still want a relationship, who wanna remarry or want to get right back into finding a woman that can, and this is you know heterodynamic, who can uh partner with him. And so there's plenty of both. I just think it's a little more likely that other way around.

SPEAKER_02 13:05

So, yeah, so like for the majority of these cases, so would you say women are just less interested in novelty, or is it that that they're just like, well, I don't get that because I'm uh just like the men are saying, well, for them for the man in this dynamic, he's like, Well, I'm opting not for a relationship, so I get novelty. The woman is opting for the relationship, so she gets stability. She gets stability, but she doesn't get novelty.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

Uh right, because I think that if I think women would be stoked about novelty if they if their sexual experience would be pretty consistent throughout these partners.

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

But because it's not, she's gonna opt for stability in her experience and therefore find the guy that always, you know, can push your buttons every time, versus crapshooting it out, you know, and hitting some misses. So that's why I don't think women don't want novelty, it's just like, well, what's what's best for my experience? Probably to find a stable, steady guy who almost always pushes my buttons, you know, yeah, is what she's going to do. So but I think there's plenty of women out there like myself who have a strong sense of sexual identity, who are very sexually capable and talented, and can go and pretty much fuck with anyone and come away with a good outcome or experience. Right. And so for me, I was all about the novelty. I had no yeah, I had no clue that we would partner or no intentions of doing that. I was planning on novelty the rest of my life.

SPEAKER_02 14:48

Yeah, and I was I got into that because I was like, I think I had for the longest time I had been looking for that relationship, but I wasn't finding anybody who could cross the seven bridges with me. And so I then ended up opting for like, well, I'm getting a ton of novelty because I had that strong sexual identity too, and I had the same problem. I not I had the same not problem. Yeah, I had plenty of success partners and success that are capability, yeah, you know, and so you they wanted to keep coming back even so it could keep it novel with four or five partners at a time, you know. And it was like, so that was working for me too. The question is, if when two people opt for a relationship and the novelty wears off, what do you do?

SPEAKER_01 15:37

Yeah, and I think that you know you're not gonna have the novelty of people unless you're going to be open or poly of and so you're like, okay, if you're monogamous, you're gonna have to find novelty in places, in things, so and and in new experiences.

SPEAKER_02 15:57

New techniques, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

Yeah, so you're going to buy, you know, it's not just toys, it's you can go into sex shops and there's a lot of different things.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

There's equipment, there's furniture, there's lingerie, there's kink items. There's there's all kinds of things that you can bring in to create a more novel experience.

SPEAKER_02 16:22

There's kink items, there are kinks, sexual kinks that maybe you haven't explored.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

So now we're getting into experiences, right? Activities. So we're looking into things you can do. Right. Not just things you can bring into the bedroom, but things you can try and things that you could do for the first time or whatever. Hey, like, hey, we've never tried this, like, let's give it a go, you know, kind of thing. And that might spice things up. Places, I think, is a big one for me.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

I think that just, I mean, honestly, even a nice hotel is enough to just a change of venue. Yeah. A change of scenery can be a huge thing, I think, for novelty. Now, it all of this is a challenge because other than like maybe trying different activities and different experiences, everything costs money. You go into a sex shop, you're gonna drop like a hundred dollars coming out of there with it with a few single toy, yeah. Yeah, one item or two items maybe.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

Or a piece of lingerie or whatever. So that's money. Places, you go to a hotel, you're gonna be 200 a night or whatever. And so it's like, how often can you do that, you know? Or we're going on a getaway to you know, four hours away, or whatever. That's all money. Gas, food, law, you know, h hotel or wherever you're staying, Airbnb, whatever. So that's all money. The only one that would be free is to try new things where you are in the same place, you know, with with what you have. So it's I think it's a difficult thing if you're like, mm, money's kind of tight right now, what can we do?

SPEAKER_02 17:53

You know, yeah, but uh then I think you have to be a little bit creative because even if you're opting for novelty, the money is still gonna be a factor. You're still gonna have to find a place. I mean, I guess you have your own place, you could do it at home or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

If you if you have a uh place, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:10

It's probably cheaper that way. But for the most part, to I think it's worth the investment. I mean, and I mean, I guess if we're talking to somebody who's just like, I am out of work, I'm flat broke, I don't know how to do this. Well then, yeah, look into activities, look into the kinks, look into doing it with the blinds open sometimes, look into doing it in the kitchen, right? Whatever you need to do to do.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

The novelty in dating or with relationship types, you're still you're spending money too by with dating. Yeah, you gotta go on a date, paying for drinks, or you gotta go on a date to establish something usually, unless it's just a cold hookup.

SPEAKER_02 18:52

Right. You know, which those aren't typically successful, especially for women.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Right, and that's that's kind of rare. Um, and so it you're you're dating that costs money. So I I don't think the price point is really a factor with either of these things.

SPEAKER_02 19:08

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Because you're probably spending a couple hundred dollars on dating a month or whatever more.

SPEAKER_02 19:13

Yeah, probably more than that.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

And so a hotel room, you know, kind of thing. Now, I will say, like, we've created kind of like this environment that is pretty conducive to arousal and to to sex for for us in our place. And we have the lights off, but we've got like space lights on the ceiling projected, and we've got certain, you know, we've got our music going, we've got usually EDM going, and we've got our drinks, and we've got, you know, and that and we've got lingerie that we already have that we collect here and there. Like I said, you bring in new things, right? And we have new toys that we're like, hey, let's try this or whatever. So we're we're bringing in novelty, but we have kind of a set thing in terms of our place, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:57

And our environment. But even maybe switching up, like, again, it costs a little bit of money. Okay, hey, we got a new space light. Or hey, we're gonna we're gonna try this playlist, or hey, I bought a new bottle of this kind of rum, or whatever it is. Like, try to make something about your experience new.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

Whether it's an outfit or a new bottle of wine or that you've never tried, or you made a playlist, yeah, or whatever. So I think that's what you have to do is you have to take all the variables of place, experience, atmosphere, things, right, and change something every once in a while.

SPEAKER_02 20:43

Yeah. And you know, the thing about that I remember too, or I look back on now, and I think in earlier relationships, I kind of squandered opportunities because we weren't we weren't that open about sex. Like, for instance, uh here's an example. You and I, we have established this location, but we're in apartment living. That means there are shared walls, shared ceilings, shared floors. And so you you still have some inhibition around noise sometimes. You're not totally free. But a lot of people have a house, and I remember a couple of situations where I was in a house where there was absolutely no concern about noise, anybody seeing in the windows that the blinds were fully open, being able to decorate it the way we want to because it's our house, you know, and not doing anything with that. Yeah. It's like, what a waste, you know. Right. If I think of you and me in either of those situations, it would be crazy, probably novel all the time. Just different because you could do something, you you don't have to have any inhibitions. And so all those things that could come up. I I guess my point here is look around and see what you can do with what you've got. Because there's probably a whole lot more. When I look back at those situations, there was tons I could have done. Right. And it would have been. Way different. You know, and so and and and it was just nothing. It was just like, you know, your basic bedroom with a bed and a dresser and a and a TV or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 22:12

You had like a not a room for a seat, but like a like a room like a lump seat, basically.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

You had a room for that? I mean you could put mirrors, you could put mirrors, lights, you could lights, star machine, you know, galaxy lights, all those things you could have.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

You had an open bathroom with a corner tub, and I'm just thinking like you take advantage of like that.

SPEAKER_02 22:36

Yeah, and the house was on a hill high above, you know, and so it was like that window, you could have those blinds open on that window and nobody's gonna see in. You know, you can do whatever you wanted that water.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

Or if you're an example, who cares?

SPEAKER_02 22:50

But the point is, if that's your thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Then you had a much more conducive space than we have, but we've made the most of this little one-bedroom apartment, but you were not making the most of your space. No, exactly. So if you're out there and you're like, well, yeah, I have a great I I can imagine you know this space being way more conducive to sex, then think about making some changes or whatever to spice up your situation.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

And just like anything else, once you start, you take one step, then your mind opens up to, oh, what about this? What about this? What about this? I guarantee you, if you haven't been doing anything like this, you've got at least two more years of novel things that are gonna keep you going just by starting and doing something.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

In this podcast, we often use the terms women and men when discussing relationships and sexual dynamics. However, we want to acknowledge that not all women have vulvas and not all vulva owners identify as women. Similarly, not all men have penises, and not all penis owners identify as men. Our podcast welcomes individuals and couples of all orientations and identities. We aim for inclusivity, but fully acknowledge that our attempts will never be perfect. We are learning and adopting new language as humankind and our world evolve.

SPEAKER_02 24:14

Hey, just a heads up. In the meantime, keep listening, stay curious, and let's keep the conversations going.