85. Developing Your Sexual Identity

What does it really mean to develop your sexual identity—and why do so many people skip this step?

In this episode, we explore how your sexual identity isn’t something you find… it’s something you build. And you can’t build it without knowing who you are first.

We talk about the connection between self-awareness, autonomy, and sexual freedom—why understanding your desires, boundaries, and values is essential before (and during) any relationship. Because if you don’t know what you want, it’s easy to default to someone else’s script.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:12

This is the literal truth.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

The podcast where we sit around naked and talk about sex, dating, and relationships. Today we're talking about sexual identity. And we're talking about how I don't believe you can have a strong sexual identity if you have a weak personal identity or overall identity. And so we want people to feel as though they have a strong sexual identity. We talk about bridge five frequency, activity, and style, and knowing yourself really well sexually. But if if you don't, then we're taking a step backward and saying you may not have a strong sense of identity, period. Identity over personal identity.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

If you do not have a strong sense of who you are sexually.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

So why is it important to have us to have a sexual identity?

SPEAKER_00 1:25

Well, because it I think it keeps you safer, it keeps you happier, it keeps you more fulfilled. I I just don't think like if you don't know yourself sexually, what are you gonna do? You're gonna go into whatever sexual situations you may be in. Right. You may be taken advantage of because you don't have a strong stance, opinion, backbone, whatever you may be found in situations that you don't really want to be in. Right. You may be deferring to your partner, whether that's a date, a boyfriend, a wife, a whatever, your spouse. You may be deferring to them to know what to do or when to do it or how to do it. Right. Because you don't know yourself sexually, and you're just going along with everybody else. And I think that doesn't make for a safe situation all the time, and I don't think it makes for a fulfilled situation either.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

Exactly. And that makes me think of, you know, we had at least one person we coached who had kind of a good thing going, or so she thought, and then it kind of dwindled, it kind of evaporated. It was about that, really have a strong sexual identity, and just so it didn't sound like either one of them did, and so they were kind of deferring to each other like what you were saying, you know, and it just kind of went nowhere.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

We're not talking about being dominant in the because because it's just what do you like? What is your sexual? If we're talking about, you know, kind of getting into kinky identities, you you could be a sub, but you've got a strong sexual identity. We're not talking about you know taking charge all the time and that's but no, but not being dominant and deferring to your partner because you don't know yourself sexually or what you want are two different things.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

Yeah, exactly. If you you just don't know what you like, doesn't mean you're you're a sub. It just means you don't know what you like. You don't know what you're saying. Those are not the same things. No, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

We kind of thought about our early identities, and I'll say that I believe I had a strong sense of you know, pre-sex. Growing up, I had a strong sense of identity. I felt like I didn't know what you're doing.

SPEAKER_02 3:29

You know who you were as an individual. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

All growing up, I had a strong sense of of identity, even though I grew up in a strict religion who was who you know that was trying to curate me, I still felt like I had a strong sense of identity until and in the end, it's like, okay, that religion, you can see how they won out. Because as a girl in the LDS religion, everything is about getting married and having kids.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

Everything.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Right.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

And so that's what you're gonna do, you know. That is what is prescribed to you. And it's interesting because I had a strong sense of identity, but when I got married, that went out the window.

unknown 4:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

When I got married and started having kids, there went my strong sense of identity.

SPEAKER_02 4:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

And frankly, I think that's exactly what they want.

SPEAKER_02 4:23

Yeah, there is you to be an individual.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

They need you to be They need you to be controllable.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

Right.

SPEAKER_00 4:28

And do what you know, what you can do for them. So I think it got, you know, divorced much later, uh, you know, about 14, 15 years later. Here I am around mid-30s, and lo and behold, that is when I feel about five years prior, about when I entered my 30s, I felt like I was fighting for my identity back. And then, you know, mid-30s, I divorced, and I really came into my personal identity again. That was a parallel for me. It might not be for everybody, but it was there's definitely a correlation for me with exactly what I was prescribed to do, get married and have kids, and losing my identity and therefore my fulfillment. I'd say from mid-30s on, I from about 30 on, I worked very hard to get my identity back.

SPEAKER_02 5:24

And what were some of the things that you did to get that identity back? I how did that materialize how did that materialize?

SPEAKER_00 5:29

Yeah, it it all comes down to autonomy and authenticity. I don't think that you can have a strong sense of identity if you do not have a level of autonomy and if you aren't authentic, if you're doing what everybody else tells you to do. That and I hate to say it, but you're you're giving that autonomy and that authenticity away in religion. That's what I was doing. I did what I was told to do. I got married and I had kids. That's ex that's everything that was pounded into me as a girl, and that's what I did. I got married and I had kids, not knowing that what would happen to my personal identity, right? That I would lose everything there was of substance of myself, my my hobbies, my interests, the things that I spent time on.

SPEAKER_02 6:18

Right.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

Uh was all gone. All I did was, you know, ma uh take care of of kids at that point. There was no time for myself and to uh better myself really or to develop myself, you know. I read a lot of books, but I didn't really get to act. I didn't really get to develop myself. Uh I wasn't growing. I wasn't growing, I wasn't changing, I wasn't developing further. Right. I I was I was kind of st stopped out I was at a standstill there.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

In in limbo and for quite a while.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

Well, and interestingly, I can relate to this 'cause I was a male in the same culture. So there's a lot of gender specificity when it comes to roles. And so I felt the same way. I gave up a lot of things, gave up a lot of identity. The difference is I I got pushed to develop my career, which a lot of women aren't pushed to do that. Right. But it's a different role. That's with career was me, mom is women. Right. You're kind of forced into the same things. You're forced into the same small ball, the so tight sphere of for me it was dad, spouse, employee, church guy. That was my whole my whole existence. And not necessarily in that order. It was but it was those were the things, and so there wasn't a lot of time for anything else. And when I got away from that, that's when I started to have time for other things and other interests. Yeah, it's the same story. Start getting my identity back. And it's like, what do I really like about me? What do I want to do with my life? What can I do? There's there for one thing, there's more time.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

Because there was a lot of requirements of my time, but all of a sudden now there's time, and there's like, oh, I live near a hiking trail. Maybe I'm gonna go take up hiking, you know, and I did every day of the year, pretty much. Winter, spring, summer, fall, I'd be out there on the hiking trail because I could walk to it. I got I got a mountain bike, I got some paddle boards, I got some other interests that I just never had time for before. I became a snowboard instructor because I wanted to be able to teach people how to snowboard. I then catapulted what my career guy stuff was as an employee to, well, this is who I am, and I I started I launched my whole Love Monday, and I've got a Love Monday podcast, and I wrote a book, and I've got I do coaching and I do speaking and all of these things from there, which I just didn't have time to do any of that stuff when I had abandoned my identity in that more tightly controlled identity that I was sort of forced into.

SPEAKER_00 9:04

Right.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

You know, and it and and so I also think of and this might be a good segue into the sexual identity thing, because I had been studying sexual issues and techniques and all that sort of sexual interest stuff for years, but it was like I didn't really have a a space or time or freedom to explore any of that, you know, because you just all of that is so tightly controlled.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Because it takes a level of autonomy and authenticity to do that, right? And so for me as well, I had been uh, you know, studying I liked sex a lot. Yeah, but I still can't say that back then in those years I had a strong sense of sexual identity.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

Right.

SPEAKER_00 9:52

I I you know, I had sex, I liked it, but I'd say it was pretty ruddy. Like I I we were stuck in ruts, you know. Right. I was stuck in ruts and and just going through motions and what works, and you know and some of that I will I will Did I know myself sexually like I do now now? No. No.

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Right.

SPEAKER_00 10:14

You know, you can like sex and still not have a strong sense of sexual identity, and all the more for you too, because you like it, you know. If you love sex or if you like sex, man, it you really need to develop your sexual identity. It's gonna be that much better. Right. The more you know yourself.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

Well, for me, and I think for you too, some of that was inhibited by religion, but for a lot of people who aren't religion, it'll be the same thing with society. We see this all the time.

SPEAKER_00 10:42

It's like the sh the shame around you got the purity culture and you got shame around sex, and so it's like shame around their bodies, women have shame around their periods, yeah, all this shit.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

Yeah, so if with all that shame going on or all that prohibition going on with religion, if it's not for having children, then it's kind of frowned upon anyway. And so you there's all this embarrassment around it, so even spouses don't communicate about it very much. And they don't they get into these scenarios where they don't know if they're sexually compatible, and and you find out that maybe you're not. You start to explore that sexual identity, you might find that an incompatibility issue with your partner. And I had learned about a bunch of stuff, but I didn't explore any of it.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

That's if you're sexually outgoing enough even to explore. Yeah. Right. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 11:31

But there is so much more that I could explore after all of that. Yes, exactly. Toys, roles, yep, dominance versus submissive. My kind of my identity in in kink is a pleasure DOM. I learned all of that stuff about me that I didn't know because I just didn't have the time or space or place to explore it, or partnership.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

Or partners, and I was gonna say having the multiple partners and them bringing their identities to you so much. They're all different and they're all new to you, and there's a lot of novelty there. You learn so much about yourself through partnering with other people, other a lot of a different thing.

SPEAKER_02 12:15

Right, right, because I knew what I knew.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

They all have their identities.

SPEAKER_02 12:18

Yes. I knew what I knew, and I could explore what I knew, but what they brought to the table was like, oh, I never thought of this. And it's not like the pink thing I got from somebody else.

SPEAKER_00 12:26

It's not like I I always dated someone who had a strong sexual identity. Some did and some didn't, but plenty did. I learned a lot from them about my own sexual identity and myself.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:38

And and that's really important. Someone might be asking, how okay, yeah, I want to know myself sexually, I want to have a strong sexual identity, what can I do?

SPEAKER_01 12:50

Right.

SPEAKER_00 12:50

And I mean it's tough because if you're married or you're in a monogamous relationship already, if you're not, I would say date a lot of different people, have sex with a lot of different partners, you're gonna learn so much about yourself.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

But if you're not, what what do you do then?

SPEAKER_02 13:10

Well, yeah, if you're not, then that's when you start to have these conversations.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

Yeah, you gotta be on work with your partner to say, let's let's try to develop our identities further. Let's try new things.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

And be open, you know, be open to what you might hear from your partner, and be hopefully you have enough emotional safety, enough safe haven to actually express what you want.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Yeah, that's kind of a prerequisite, right?

SPEAKER_02 13:39

And yeah, but some of those things that's hard. That's hard to do. Yeah. And some of those things are like, well, let's just I want I want to put this out there. This is something that as you start to explore, it might what I found is I would discover things that I never thought I would have been into. And I'm like, huh, interesting.

SPEAKER_00 13:57

I always say you never know until you try it.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

Right. And when I got the freedom and I got somebody who was receptive to me expressing this, you're like, oh yeah, let's try that. But it but what you'll find as you get into this if you are partnered, is you'll find the things how compatible you really are. You'll find compatibility you could find compatibility issues.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Right. I think of step two and three, mainly, when I think of uh about a couple doing this on bridge five sexual compatibility activity and style. What you're you're probably going to explore different activities. Yep. And yeah, you're gonna have to feel safe asking for that or bringing that up and saying, Hey, can we try this? But even style. Like, some couples, some people may be stifling what their true style is, and they might have to have a conversation and come to the table and be like, I've been holding back, or don't be surprised if next time we have sex it's more like this, or whatever it is when it comes to to style, and that could be you know, that's the style in which you have sex. So if someone is actually more active or athletic than they have been with their or or wannabe, they want to be more spontaneous when you know you've you've really just been planners, whatever it is in style, you know, that that's a vulnerable conversation. It's not about the activities you do, it's about how you do them. Right. And someone might be almost kind of a chameleon in their style or holding back or not exactly who they are stylistically with partners, because again, they may not feel safe haven. And if they came into their sexual relationship and have never really been free stylistically, then why would they then they've just kind of been that chameleon the whole time. Yeah. And maybe if not actually been themselves completely with this partner, even though it could have been months or years. I could see that being the case sometimes, and if that is, there's gonna have to be a conversation about hey, I might I might look different in the bedroom, I might sound different in the bedroom, I might act different in the bedroom going forward, if you are to actually create your true sexual identity.

SPEAKER_02 16:21

Right. But but communicate about that. Go back to bridge to bias for communication. So when you say I might act differently, you're gonna have to talk about some of those things. You can't just surprise them, you know.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

You can't?

SPEAKER_02 16:35

Well, I guess you could.

SPEAKER_00 16:36

You could because you surprise someone on a first date every time. Well, that's true.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Authentic and but if you're scaring them, read the room. If you're scaring them, like, well, what are you gonna do? You know, at least make sure they feel scared.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Yeah, I mean you have consent, but I'm just talking about personal, not things you're going to I mean, this is a personal style. This is just how you react to sex. Right. This is uh so it it doesn't have to do with doing anything to them that they don't consent to or anything like that. Right. That's more found in ac activity where you're gonna talk about that.

SPEAKER_02 17:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

But sounding different, acting different, or you know, looking different, it has nothing to do with them really.

SPEAKER_02 17:16

Right. So yeah, I mean, if you're if you're gonna bring that up, just realize that somebody might be, well, what are you talking about? We've been so vanilla for so long. You know, are you don't freak me out, you know. There might be a little bit of conversation around that. But well, the other thing that I would point out is go back to um one of our episodes, the morning after conversation, which was episode four. When you do this, when you start to make these changes, make sure you incorporate the morning after conversation so you can have that debrief on how it went, and you can start to then get to the come to the conclusions about what worked, what didn't work. Uh, you know, I thought this was my style, I tried it, I actually didn't like it that much, or I tried this, how did it work for you? And it's like, hey, I kind of like that. You gotta have that morning after conversation to really make this as you work through this, whether you got a compatibility issue or not.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

Yeah. So I think in closing, we should if if someone's still kind of confused about this idea of identity, uh one thing that we were talking about in preparation for this episode, because I was kind of explaining to you more in depth this idea, like what does this actually mean? Yeah. You know? And we were talking about personal identity, just your overall identity, and and the question I asked you, okay, okay, I said to you, think of yourself in 1997. Because I knew what you were doing in the nineties. You were uh a youngish dad, you know. Maybe all your kids were born. Yeah, you were in your 30s, you you had all these kids, you had your career, you had church callings and responsibilities and obligations, and you know, you're married and not and and I said, think of yourself in 1997, because I know how you're you described your life back then, and think of yourself now, because you were saying, I don't know if I have a strong sense of identity. I don't think anybody would say that about me. And I said, absolutely not true. Like you can be a quiet, reserved person and have a very strong sense of identity. I think you were kind of equating your easy-going, reserved, yeah, you know, energy as well, uh but you But who I am that doesn't reflect who I am as a person. Right. And I said, okay, think about yourself back then and then think about yourself now. If I had to, and I also said, like, okay, if you're at a bar with someone or a restaurant with someone, and someone says, Hey, so so who's Ryan? You know, tell me about Ryan. I could spend the whole evening talking about you. Yeah. That's someone who has a strong sense of identity. If you are kind of like, well, okay, well, she well, she's involved in church and uh she does, you know, like, okay, uh four kids. She's she's got yeah, she's got kids, she's grandma, she's uh, you know, like I I don't know. There's just some people that you only get so far and then you run out of things to say because they're not that interesting, or they don't have that strong sense of identity, right? Right. And maybe they don't even know who they are, yeah, you know, let alone you know who they are on a deep level. That's the difference. If I knew you in 1997 and I was someone asked me the same question, I'd probably be like, well, okay, well, he's married, he's got uh these kids, he does this for a living, and he goes to church, and uh this is his church calling, and that's about that's that's about that sums him up. And that's not a strong sense of identity because all of those things were things that you were told to do. And not to say at the time you didn't want to do them, right? You were doing them. What you make of yourself that you really authentically and autonomously chose. I think those are the more interesting parts about you and any person.

SPEAKER_02 21:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:09

So that's kind of if you're having a hard time getting your mind around this, if you've developed a strong sense of identity you feel you have, think of yourself back in a a time when you hadn't, or imagine yourself if you're like, well, I don't know if if I do or don't, or whatever, imagine yourself at, you know, a restaurant asks you, you know, tell me about this person, who is this person? And if you don't have much to say about either yourself or someone else, then it's very possible they do not have a strong sense of overall identity, and therefore, very possible they don't have a strong sexual identity. But if you're like, oh yeah, I could go on all night about that person, right? Then uh that's a pretty strong sense of personal identity, and more likely, chances are they have a strong sexual identity. In this podcast, we often use the terms women and men when discussing relationships and sexual dynamics. However, we want to acknowledge that not all women have vulvas and not all vulva owners identify as women. Similarly, not all men have penises, and not all penis owners identify as men. Our podcast welcomes individuals and couples of all orientations and identities. We aim for inclusivity, but fully acknowledge that our attempts will never be perfect. We are learning and adopting new language as humankind and our world evolves.

SPEAKER_02 22:36

Hey, just a heads up.