90. Why Are You So Stingy With Your Fucks?

"I don't have sex with just anybody."

It's a phrase we hear all the time—but have you ever stopped to ask why?

In this episode, we explore the difference between being genuinely selective and unconsciously following messages rooted in purity culture, slut shaming, fear, and social conditioning. Using the 5 Whys technique, we peel back the layers to uncover what's really driving our sexual decisions.

We discuss why some women feel they need a committed relationship before sex, whether those beliefs are truly their own, and how to build a sex life based on personal desire rather than inherited rules. This isn't an argument for having more sex or less sex—it's about making conscious choices that align with who you are.

If you've ever said, "I don't have sex with just anybody," this conversation might help you understand where that belief came from—and whether it still serves you.

Topics: sexual freedom, purity culture, slut shaming, women's sexuality, dating, relationships, sexual empowerment, sexual standards, sex-positive living, and the 5 Whys.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:12

This is the Cliteral Truth.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

The podcast where we sit around naked and talk about sex, dating, and relationships. Hey, shout out to our UK listeners.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Yeah, we've had a kind of a massive surge increase in listeners in the UK in and around London, particularly.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Our area was always at the top of our listenership. We're based in Salt Lake City, Utah, but that has changed.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

It has changed, definitely. It's been pretty cool to see because we've had the surge of like a third of our listeners are in the UK right now. So it's kind of fun for us to see that. It's a lot of fun.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Very fun. And there's there's a few different cities or areas that it's mentioning. London, City of London. Canary Wharf. We had to look up neither of us has been to the UK, would love to, but look looked up the difference between what is City of London then? And there's a high concentration of listeners coming out of City of London. So if that's you, yeah, like thank you so much. Yeah, Canary Wharf.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

Also Australia.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Yeah, Australia has RISA.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

Yeah, Sydney and Perth, Australia are big deals. And then our US cities. Lexi mentioned we're based in Salt Lake City.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Shout out to the locals in Salt Lake City in Provo, Utah.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Yeah, got those. Columbus, Ohio, Ashburn, Virginia, Brooklyn, New York, Dallas, Texas, Manchester, Tennessee, Portland, Oregon, Minneapolis. We see you. Yep, we see you.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Thank you so much for listening.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

And take a second to follow so you don't miss any of the weekly drops as these come through. And if you're listening on Overcast, click the yellow star because that recommends and that really helps us. So we appreciate your listening.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

Because of the big surge in our UK listenership, we're going to be dropping our episodes hours earlier on Tuesday so that they'll be there for you by the time you're on your morning commute.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

And so uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

Thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

We're talking today about sort of the false meaning behind sex.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

We've talked about this before.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Yeah, in little bits and pieces and blurbs and throughout all of the a lot of the episodes anyway, but we've really been thinking about it lately and think this is a topic all into its own.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Yeah, this this just comes around. This comes around a lot. It does. So this is kind of about women being stingy with their fucks because they think it automatically means something with that person and because they're they think they're now connected to that person in some sort of way. So they're choosy about who they fought.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Right. And we get this as we were talking about this, I visualized sort of a spectrum where, because of the different examples we've seen in our coaching and in our interactions with people, we've seen situations where they're stingy and don't want to have sex with anybody. Or the other end of that scale is they still think sex has to be meaningful, but they're gonna have sex as often as they can, sort of to weaponize it. We've talked about this before too. Because they're so convinced that sex needs to mean something, if they get have sex with somebody, they're using locks someone in.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

Yeah, locks them in.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

It's like it's like you just now you have to commit to me. Right. Okay. Yeah. Well. We've had this conversation in one of these episodes before where a friend of a friend that I talked to, she was talking about how he had met she had met some guy online, and they met, you know, they've been texting back and forth. They meet in a city for a weekend, they have sex, it doesn't click for him. I don't even think it clicked for her, but because she was of this mind that, well, we had sex, it's gotta mean something. How can he just now not want to be with me? And there's how can you walk away from that?

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Aren't we attached now via via this sex that we had?

SPEAKER_01 4:07

Like we've had some sort of animal imprint.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Like it wasn't just a like to you say we exchanged a handshake.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Right. And and when you get down to it, sex is a physical exchange, but it's so we attach all these yeah, attachments and yeah, and whether it's societal, religious, purity culture, whatever, it's like we can't we can't get past that to the point, so we have this meaning, but we do see these two extremes. Primarily among women because it's different for we know historically it's different for men. Men aren't shamed for having sex. Right. Women historically have been shamed and still are, but we see this spectrum where I'm gonna be stingy and not have sex, which who does that punish?

SPEAKER_00 4:52

Right.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

It punishes everybody, honestly, because it it's something that feels good and we should be okay. And the other end of the spectrum is somebody who's gonna, for lack of a better term, weaponize it to say, I'm going to now handcuff you to me because or think I can, and then it never works anyway.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

I feel like the women who are stingy with their fucks are in like a constant state of conflict with themselves, though. And they're in a conflict of I want sex, I I let's assume they like sex. Right. Let's just first assume that they enjoy sex.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

I want sex, I like sex, I want uh a great experience, I want someone who knows how to push my buttons, and I want I want this great experience, you know. And then they're conflicted with this purity culture, this shame of but I can't have everything I want, can I? I I can't just have that every night. I mean, how selfish is that? How greedy is that? How much of myself do I have to give to do that? You know, there's only so much. It's like this this idea that I only have so many fucks to give, and they're so special, and I have to be very choosy about who I give them to. Let me tell you, ladies, you have unlimited orgasms. I personally like you could have if you got to to that point where you had that ability within yourself, but I'm talking about like you can have 40 tonight and 20 tomorrow, and 30, like there is actually no shortage of your like physiological, and I I understand wanting to recharge the batteries, you know. Sometimes that is the case. You want a refractory period, you you're like last night was intense. Wow, blew my socks off, that was cray, and I need a day or two, uh, a week, or whatever you feel you need. Like, I understand that. That's not what we're talking about here. No, we're talking about psychological shit here. We're talking about in your mind, do you feel I only have so much to give? I have to protect or save my fucks, and that's what we're talking about here.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

And as you're talking about it, I'm thinking there might be listeners out there who are saying, Well, I don't think that it that I have a limited number, but I just have to keep them sacred, quote unquote, for whatever reason, because it's got to be special. It has to mean something. I've always been taught it has to mean something. Okay, and so it's getting past that problem. And you know, my own history, I was in a long-term relationship where I went years without sex, a long-term monogamous relationship where I went years. And I remember coming out of that and getting ready to get in the dating scene, and I had a personal coach that I was working with, and I said, you know what I really want? I just want to go have some sexual experiences. And I was convinced, because of all of this cultural stuff that we are talking about, that no woman's gonna go for that. You know, and this is what this is what we're kind of talking about, because I was conditioned to think the same thing. Not only did I personally have that sort of instilled in me that, oh, it's gotta mean something, but then I I had that conflict you were talking about, where it's like, I don't think I really believe that, but I believe women believe that. And so I was thinking, I'm never gonna find anybody who just wants to have sex, they're gonna want to get me into the relationship sex trope and get get into that relationship before they will. And I remember this coach, and it was a female coach, and she said, I think you'll be surprised. She was right, yeah, and she was right.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

There there is a lot of relationship sex trope. And is that episode 29?

SPEAKER_01 8:34

40? Keep talking, but I'll look it up.

SPEAKER_00 8:36

So so go back and listen to that if you haven't. We refer to it a lot. And there is a lot of relationship sex trope tropey women and men, right? But I think that we're talking about this spectrum. We've got we've got women who are stingy with their fucks, whether it's purity culture, shame, religion-ish, you know, kind of mindset. And then we've got the this other end of the spectrum where women are weaponizing sex to try to hook uh a boyfriend, a relationship, or whatever, right? There well, there's a third woman out there who's me, who your coach was alluding to. Yes. Hey, um, I think that there's women out there that are just like you that actually don't have a relationship or boyfriend agenda or husband agenda, that are just out there seeing what comes to them. They're totally open to be alone, they're fine being alone. And what I mean by alone is unpartnered. Not not like you're lonely or you never date or you never fuck. No, just they're not partnered and they're fine with it. Right. They're independent women, if you will, living their lives, doing their thing. Yeah, they're they're like you. They want to go out, they want to have fun and meet cool new people and get laid. And yeah, there's there's plenty of those out there too. Right. So I think that women get what's the word? Stereotyped. I think there is a stereotype out there of women not gonna be interested in having casual sex, which is where I don't have casual sex needs.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

Yeah, which is where I was. Yeah. And when I started my whole dating profile stuff, I was like, well, I have to go out there leading with relationship.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

And so many guys think that though, but you're being dishonest. Exactly. It's dishonest.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

And then when I then when I figured out, well, I just need to be honest with this to hell with it all. Maybe I won't get what I want, but I'm not gonna get I'm not gonna settle for less than I want.

SPEAKER_00 10:43

And I'm not gonna be a trick or a liar.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

I'm not gonna, yeah, I'm not gonna do that. And the funny thing was, once I got clear on what I wanted and put that out there for the world to see, I found a lot of women like you.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

And this is the message for the men and the women. Be honest.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Right.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

That you're not we never hear of anyone who has been successful, who is skirting around or omitting what they want. You're not gonna trick anybody. Right. You're not gonna trick anybody into getting what you want, and if you can once in a while, it's not sustainable. You're always going to be chasing that.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

Well, I was attracting the same type of women that I had always had in my life because they were looking for that relationship because I was saying, yeah, you know, I I I want to get to know you people first, but then I'm, you know, I'm looking long term, I'm looking for a relationship. At that point, I really wasn't. At the point that I was just talking about where I had come out of a long-term relationship with no sex for years, I wanted to experience that. I didn't want to get right into another relationship. And so when I got the clarity and said, This is what I want, it's amazing once you're clear about what you want, how simple it is to find that. I was just amazed.

SPEAKER_00 11:57

And we have another episode that's called Dating, it's okay to only want sex. It's one of our top five episodes. Right. It's episode 58. Go back and listen to that one. It's it's been in and out of our top five.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

And we talked about the relationship sex trope a few minutes ago, and that's episode 11. So just for reference.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Alright, in my dating experience, I know that, like I said, we're identifying at least three different women here on this spectrum. Honestly, I had lots of meaningless sex when I was dating before we partnered.

SPEAKER_01 12:32

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

With guys I don't even remember.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

I can I recall their name. Like, you know what I mean? Which just proves that this is just a physical exchange. It doesn't have to carry a lot of meaning. That's up to the person. That is the person, and they're programming and conditioning, putting a ton of meaning into sex. But sex, in and of itself, is a physical exchange. And we put all this meaning into it. Religion, society, purity, culture, etc. And and that's fine. Like, I understand, like, you don't want to be like, well, if it's not gonna mean anything, why are we doing it? Sex in and of itself as just a physical exchange is still amazing if you value orgasms or skin-to-skin, touch, athletic. I I like, I I like the activity of it, the the activeness of it. But I understand, like, well, am I really that interested if if it's not gonna mean something emotionally, and that's for everybody to decide, but in that case, I would kind of think that someone's not having a very good orgasmic experience. And also, like I like I said, it's fine if you want an emotional experience. I had that with my relationship types with my fuck buddies, and well, less with my fuck buddies. I had that uh with my friends with benefits because you have that emotional connection being friends, right? Right? So relationship types isn't just meaningless sex. Did I have also a lot of meaningless sex on first dates trying to see if they'd be a friend with benefits? Yeah, I've had all of it. I've had meaningful sex that does mean that was very special to me that I still remember, and I had a lot of meaningless sex that I don't really rem- I meet, you know, I remember it was good sex, right? You know, in terms of just what sex is, but did it matter who the person was? No, it it didn't.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

Well, and one of the things we talk about too, and we've got episodes on a blog post out there, the difference between sex and intimacy, and I think this is this touches on that a little bit. A lot of times we talk to people, we had a conversation with friends recently where it was clear that they weren't being able to separate sex from intimacy. And my contention is, and I think whenever I get into a conversation with somebody and we can go really deep, kind of get intimate, but maybe not intimate, but uh have a deeper uh conversation about this. I think most people admit that most sex that you have is not intimate. When we talk about intimacy, really knowing someone deeply and being deeply known, and that that's intimacy. You can have sex and intimacy can overlap, but they don't frequently. They even with your life partner, sometimes it's just sex.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

A lot of times it's just you really have to get into that deep conversation with someone though, because some people uh and a lot of men just think that sex in and of itself is intimate, and that is because they don't know what intimacy is, right, and they have none of it in their lives. Yeah. Because they don't have they put all of that onto their female partner, they don't have guy friends that they can cry with, laugh with, have these deep conversations with, share their feelings with, etc. And so they think like, okay, well, I have intimacy with my wife, my girlfriend, my my female partner, whatever. And what's the most intimate thing that we're doing? And honestly, they only think that because they're they're physically close.

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

And they're they're naked and they're physically close touching bodies, right? But that's that's not intimacy. That's not intimacy, and that's that's the thing can overlap, but yeah, not automatically, but that's the most fucking intimate thing that they do with their wife or their girlfriend. Like, you gotta think like that's sad. It is sad if that's the most intimate thing that you're getting in your life, what that's a lack of emotional intelligence. What about like man, having a deep conversation and sharing your feelings and crying together? What about sharing something you've never told anyone before and how what that felt like?

SPEAKER_01 17:15

Yeah. What a b like And here's the here's the kicker for me. If we have those conversations and it feels intimate to me, it it often, not always, but often arouses me to the point where then I do want to have intimate sex. But for the most part, sex is a playful thing. It's it's your playtime together. It's not necessarily this deep intimate moment. I mean, it can be but it's rare. It's rare. And and even I mean, when you think about it, even the mechanics of it, in some positions, you're just not gonna be that intimate. It's more it's more react as opposed to you know, when I think of intimacy- You're not looking into each each other's eyes, and you may not be kissing in some places, and all that stuff adds to the intimacy of sex, but it doesn't have to be.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

I also think that in intimate situations where where you are having intimacy, uh-huh. There's nothing rushed about it. You can't force it, you can't conjure it, you can't make intimacy happen. It's so special, it's just something that happens, and it's it's a gift, you know, that you didn't have any say or control in, right? And like I said, it's not rushed, it tends to be a slow, oh my god, where did the last two hours go by? We were just talking and sharing this one, you know, you lose track of time kind of thing. And sex, I mean, if you slow sex down too much, it's over. You lose your momentum, you lose yeah, you lose regardless of what sexual activity you're doing, there is a certain rhythm that you have to maintain usually for either one of the partners to continue to be aroused. So it's it just as the tempo of intimacy sometimes isn't gonna match up with the tempo of sex.

SPEAKER_01 19:10

Right. And in my lived experience, I think when the sex and intimacy have crossed over and it's been that way, it's usually a shorter session. It's more of a we were in this intimate moment and we got moved to sex, and it was more of a quickie, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

And it was more of a result, like kind of a period on the sentence of that intimacy that we were having, right?

SPEAKER_01 19:35

Sure. Right, exactly. But if it's like a long longer sex session, there might be some bridges into intimacy during that, but the whole long sex session, I'm not sure I've ever had a whole long sex session that's intimate. Yeah, I don't I don't think I've experienced that.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

A lot of times intimacy can come after sex too.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

For sure.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

Where then you're pillow talking, resting, right, looking into each other's eyes, sharing some some meaningful message or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

Yeah, and you're just chilling and you're holding each other. That gets intimate, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:07

Yes. But that's after but the actual sex is usually not.

SPEAKER_01 20:12

Right. And we can have those intimate moments too, like in the morning after conversation, which is one of our episodes. I'm not gonna go take the time to find it. If you're a listener, go find it. It's episode four. Okay, thank you. Those have even been intimate, and it's the day after conversation. But again, it's not during sex, it's the replay. Right.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

So often intimacy comes before or after sex. But I think again, a lot of people are equating the actual sex with intimacy.

SPEAKER_01 20:42

And why? Because somebody told them that's supposed to be that way. Not because they're not a good idea.

SPEAKER_00 20:46

Well, or because they have a complete lack of intimacy elsewhere. So they don't know what intimacy is. The closest, most human thing that I do, which is really sad if you're partnered, I I mean, that makes me think like, yeah, I never really loved anybody. Yeah. You know, if that's what you think intimacy is or the deepest part of love is, are you really in love?

SPEAKER_01 21:09

So I think as we're talking, I think there's a good test here to test for this. If you really believe sex is intimate and intimacy is sex, and you can't separate those two. I wonder if you really understand what intimacy is. So think that think about that for a minute. Have you really had intimate moments? And have you and you probably have, but have you had enough to be really be able to separate those?

SPEAKER_00 21:35

And those can be with your parents, your children, your siblings, your could be your partner, friends, hopefully your partner, too.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

But I'm just saying But but without sex, you can have intimate moments without sex with your partner.

SPEAKER_00 21:48

Well, you you can have intimacy, yeah, with anyone. That that you that's not confined to a uh romantic partnership.

SPEAKER_01 21:54

Right. No.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

So look think about those instances the the closer. Most loving, you know, our definition of knowing someone deeply and being deeply known, those experiences with your parents, with your kids, with you know, think about those. How often do you have that with your partner?

SPEAKER_01 22:16

And we separate these in the seven bridges of a solid relationship. So intimacy is its own bridge, and we have a whole episode on that too, which I will look up. Episode 31 is Bridge 6 intimacy. So that's where we we really do break that down to help you understand what intimacy is. So if you're feeling confused about sex is intimacy, intimacy is sex, and I don't I'm not really getting this, go listen to that one. And then listen to the bridge five one, which is uh episode 27, which is sexual compatibility. So we we split those up, and we have a blog out on our website, theclitoralstruth.com, that talks about the difference between these two.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

I want to go back to these stingy, stingy fuckers. I want to go back to these stingy fucker women. Okay, these stingy fuckers who are stingy and very choosy with their fucks, I want to five why them. I think that would be helpful. We have this thing that we love to refer to called the five whys that if you ask why enough times, you're gonna get down to the bottom of something.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:25

Right?

SPEAKER_01 23:26

And it's magical.

SPEAKER_00 23:27

It tends to work. It always works. Right. So, okay, someone who was, you know, holding back, a little stingy and choosy with their fucks, I would ask them why. What are all the answers that I'm gonna get, do you think?

SPEAKER_01 23:44

Well, I think the maybe the first one would be because I just believe that.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

So it comes down to the way someone was programmed or conditioned to religion or something.

SPEAKER_01 23:56

Yeah, just I I don't know. I I believe it for some reason. And and if you here's the thing about the five whys too. If you s if you ever if you ever get to I don't know, you're not going deeper.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

Don't accept that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

I don't I don't know is not the right idea.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

That you have to know yourself.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

There is a why.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

If you don't know your uh if you don't know it's not good enough, right, then why are you fucking doing it?

SPEAKER_01 24:18

And we were doing this with a friend the other night, and we've got a couple of those I don't know, and we just forced him to say, Yes, you do.

SPEAKER_00 24:27

Yeah, you keep asking.

SPEAKER_01 24:28

Dig deeper. Why?

SPEAKER_00 24:29

You keep asking either follow-up questions or you just ask the same question and say, think about it for a minute.

SPEAKER_01 24:36

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 24:37

And think about it.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Yeah. So on this one, I've just always believed that. So why do you believe that? That's the next one.

SPEAKER_00 24:43

So why do who who why do you be believe that? Who taught you that?

SPEAKER_01 24:48

Yeah, my so my parents always said that when they had the sex talks with me, this is intimate, you sh you don't share with you. You don't just share this with anybody, it's to be somebody special.

SPEAKER_00 24:57

Okay, it has to be someone special. Why?

SPEAKER_01 25:00

Because they're they were taught that, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 25:05

Okay. I think that this is something deeply ingrained in them now.

SPEAKER_01 25:23

So yeah, so then your next question to that would be, so why does why does it matter what your parents look?

SPEAKER_00 25:30

For example, we talked to someone about this lately, re recently. She said, you know, I just don't feel like I need to share my sexual energy or give give my sexual energy to as many or to to to just anybody now.

unknown 25:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

I didn't have the time to five Y her, but I wanted to.

SPEAKER_01 25:53

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:53

Why? Okay, what what do you lose? What do you get out of? Yeah, what what do you lose if you I'm I'm interested about the sexual energy because you're gonna run out like a few. Right, like you're gonna run out. Like if I have sex on a Friday night, I I'm I'm at least good to go on Sunday again. What how what do you lose when you have sex? And it's almost like she is like, I only have so much energy for that. Like, are we talking physical energy? But she said sexual energy. Right. So do you have do you need a refractory period from orgasm?

SPEAKER_01 26:28

Do you like I wish we had taken the time to five Y her because I don't really when I think about that, of course, this is from my male brain. I'm not thinking that that's really the answer either. I don't think it's like a tank that's getting empty or everything.

SPEAKER_00 26:46

Like like something of her soul's.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Like if this person isn't it comes back to the stinginess thing again. If this person, I don't feel he's worthy of my sexual attention. Okay, well that's a different why. Right.

SPEAKER_00 26:59

And we're not saying don't be selective.

SPEAKER_01 27:02

Right. So so why do you why would you end up with somebody where that's even a possibility then if they're not worthy of you? Now if it's the first date, you didn't know them better, you know. But if you're in an extended relationship and or even a multiple dates relationship, I think you need to be more selective as to who you're dating then. There should be some red flags out there. I'm probably going down a tangent here, but again, why? Why do you think they're not worthy of you? Or if it's the empty tank philosophy, do you really why do you believe that your tank is gonna be empty? So so like once you use all your fucks, this takes us back to this topic, you're just gonna be done. You can't do anymore, you just won't be aroused anymore, you won't have the energy sexual energy.

SPEAKER_00 27:49

Here's a question that I want to ask women, because I think this is where you start, not the other way around. In your ideal life, how often do you want sex? How often is ideal for you to have sex? And if you're gonna have women that say once a week, you're gonna have women that say every fucking day, you're gonna have women that say every other day. I I need that day to kind of physically and and sexually recover, you're gonna have how often do you want sex and then you shouldn't let this idea I only have so much to give, so what if you're that woman that really I mean likes sex three times a week, but I mean I can't do that. Why? Why can't you do that? Because you're like, if you're one of those girls that uh is like, I I'd never I'm not gonna find that would take a boyfriend. No, it wouldn't. You know how easy it is to to get consensual fucks these days? Like, I'm I'm just saying, like, that's what I did. Like, I I got I said I want sex this much, and it's it's easy to to attain that if you don't have some kind of hang-up about well, I can't just be free with my suck my sex. I can't just have an astronomical body count. What will others think you know, this slut shaming thing of your own, you can't be like that. Right. And answer the question, well, I'd like sex three times a week, or I'd like it twice a week, or whatever, and thinking that you need to be in a committed relationship to get that, you don't.

SPEAKER_01 29:35

You just need to be selective about who you want to.

SPEAKER_00 29:38

Well, you gotta get out of the slut shaming mindset.

SPEAKER_01 29:40

Yeah. Oh, right.

SPEAKER_00 29:42

You you gotta get into the mindset that this can be a different guy every time. Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 29:47

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:48

It doesn't have to be a committed relationship, right? It doesn't have to be someone special to you. Yes. It doesn't have to carry any meat. Last week's fucks don't have to mean anything.

SPEAKER_01 30:00

Right. It was just an experience that you had.

SPEAKER_00 30:02

And unless you were unless you were damaged in some way, and along the way, you will meet people that are become great sexual partners, whether that's a fuck buddy, or become a good friend with benefits. Yeah. And along the way you will, but if you're like thinking like, okay, I want to have sex twice a week in my ideal world, I've got to find a partner, boyfriend, or a husband or whatever, and you're going about it that way, and you're going without until you get that.

SPEAKER_01 30:38

You're gonna commit way too early to somebody that you probably shouldn't. And you're not gonna get the your the fucks that you deserve or want, or it's gonna be weeks or years down the road.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

You're gonna be in a drought until you commit to someone to get that, versus just say, I want to be fucked twice a week.

SPEAKER_01 31:01

How can I As long as I stay safe? Yeah, what do I care who it is?

SPEAKER_00 31:06

Yeah. Who cares who it is at this point in the world? How much meaning it is leads us into the relationship sex trope where you get into relationships that you really don't want to be in. Yeah. If you're basing it on your sexual needs. Right. And that's why we're vag advocates of you can get your sexual needs met without a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 31:28

If you get into one or you want one, great. But that shouldn't be the reason that you get into a committed relationship because you can get sex without that.

SPEAKER_01 31:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

Easily. And so that's kind of talking about the relationship sex trope. That's kind of talking about the women being on the other side of the trope. Usually they're the ones on the relationship side trying to secure a relationship, not for sex, but for other reasons. But this can still apply to them if you go back to my question of how often ideally do you want sex?

SPEAKER_01 32:07

Right.

SPEAKER_00 32:08

And why do you think then that I want you to be honest? I don't want you to give me the stingy answer of what you think you what's reasonable or what's respectable or what's not slut shamey or body county. Nope. Give me ideally, you, your body, if everyone else is out of the picture and you can have whatever you want without any shame, ideally, what's your number, what's your frequency, and realize that you can you I don't give a fuck if it's every day. You can have that. Okay, if you feel if you relate to this stingy fucker, if you you relate to that choosiness, for whatever reasons doesn't matter. We want you to five Y yourself.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:03

It could take a week to do this, it could take a whole day. I don't care. But go deep.

SPEAKER_01 33:08

Because you might come up with things like beliefs, you might come up with things like safety, you might come up with things like somebody that said something to you one time and slut shamed you. Yes. And and but we're we're looking for you to get past all of those things, and that's the purpose of getting to the root cause, which is what the five Y analysis is.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

You can journal this or just keep it all in your head. And it's gonna be hard. It's not gonna be the easiest thing to do, but five Y yourself, that means ask yourself why at least five times to try to get down to the bottom of why do I feel like I have to be stingy or choosy? Is it because I'm assigning too much meaning to sex? And who told me that I needed to do that? Or is it because I feel like I'm automatically I'm I'm now connected, I'm attached to the people that I fuck, and and ask yourself why.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

And here's the miracle of the five whys, just so you know when you've gotten there. All of a sudden it'll become clear to you, oh, that's the reason. And usually you'll be able to let go of that then.

SPEAKER_00 34:15

It's something you can work with.

SPEAKER_01 34:16

Yeah, it's something you can work with. You might not be able to let it go immediately. You might decide to you don't want to let it go, but then at least you know where you're at. Yep. But at least at least now you've done the work to say, oh, because you do get this moment of clarity. It's like, oh, I got to the bottom of this now, and now it makes sense. And usually when it makes sense, you're able to actually move away from that belief system.

SPEAKER_00 34:40

And with anything, like with sex, you want to be active versus reactive. That's we're big on that. So you gotta know why am I the way I am? Who am I? Why am I the way I am? Who what is my sexual identity? Be active versus reactive. In this podcast, we often use the terms women and men when discussing relationships and sexual dynamics. However, we want to acknowledge that not all women have vulvas and not all vulva owners identify as women. Similarly, not all men have penises, and not all penis owners identify as men. Our podcast welcomes individuals and couples of all orientations and identities. We aim for inclusivity, but fully acknowledge that our attempts will never be perfect. We are learning and adopting new language as humankind and our world evolve.

SPEAKER_01 35:41

Hey, just a heads up.