95. Can't Talk About Sex? Start Here.

Most couples have sex—but surprisingly few couples actually talk about sex.

Whether you're wondering how to ask for more intimacy, share a fantasy, talk about a dead bedroom, or simply tell your partner what you enjoy, starting the conversation can feel harder than the sex itself.

In this episode of The Cliteral Truth, we share practical, real-life ways to bring up sex without criticism, shame, or starting a fight. You'll learn simple conversation starters, why so many couples avoid talking about intimacy, and how honest communication can lead to a more connected, satisfying sex life.

If you've ever thought, "I don't even know how to start this conversation," this episode is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:12

This is the literal truth.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

The podcast where we sit around naked and talk about sex, dating, and relationships.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

What was the last thing you said to your partner that was about sex? When was the last time you brought up sex or talked about sex with your partner? How's that going?

SPEAKER_02 0:42

Good questions.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

We never talk about sex.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

We suck at this so much. Should not be like, you know, tooting our horns. But I mean, it is what we do. It is what we do. And honestly, when we're not podcasting, we talk about sex like 24-7. That's true. It's it never gets old. I don't know. We don't just talk about it when we podcast. We're just always talking about it.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

Which is why we're gonna do this. Because there are probably some people probably no nobody who's listening here, but maybe. But there are people out there who are like, well, we never talk about sex.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

No, I that's our topic for.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

I don't feel like I talked about sex with uh my ex didn't either. And now we talk about it all the time, but I I think uh Oh you don't talk about it all the time with your ex.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

You're talking about.

SPEAKER_01 1:34

No, I said I did no, I was saying got all jumbled. I was saying, me and my ex didn't really talk about sex.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

You and me do.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

You and me, we talk about sex all the time.

SPEAKER_02 1:46

Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:47

When sex is your favorite thing to do, it you look, when anything is your favorite thing to do, you're gonna talk about it a lot.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

So that's where we are now.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

And back then that was still probably the case, but there was this weird kind of like, well, but it hadn't reached its full potential for me because I was with the wrong partner.

SPEAKER_02 2:06

Right.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

So anyway, and we weren't talking about it.

SPEAKER_02 2:09

But well, I like what you said. When it's something's your favorite thing to do, you tend to talk about it. Yeah. So if I I think also that if you start to talk about things more that are a little bit hard to talk, they could become even more of your favorite thing to do. Like this. I mean, that's the that's the point. I think if you could talk about it more, you'd be more open to improvements and changes and amplification of your sex life.

SPEAKER_01 2:33

And I think adults suck at this more than kids. Like think about think about kids. Like my son, what's he gonna talk about? Minecraft, Fortnite.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

He'll talk your ear off about Fortnite. It's one of his favorite things to do, or Roblox, or whatever the game is, you know.

SPEAKER_02 2:49

And what preoccupies your mind.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Yeah, and I think as adults we get w in our heads too much about like, well, they don't care about this philosophical what they they don't care about, you know, I'm super nerdy about dinosaurs or whatever, or they don't so and so's not gonna care about my extensive knowledge of, you know, spirits or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Right.

SPEAKER_01 3:13

So we like try to save our conversations for people that we are like, you know, feel that would be interested instead. Like kids don't care, they don't give a fuck, they just talk your ear off about whatever the fuck they want to talk about.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

Exactly. So be more like a kid when it comes to talking about sex.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

Okay, we're gonna get into it though. We've got some practical ways to, if you're like, I don't even know how to bring this up with my partner, like it's been that bad, you know. It's just something that we do, it happens, you know. I don't even know how often for you, but like it happens, but we don't talk about it.

SPEAKER_02 3:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

So we wanted to address that.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

We do, and so we're looking, you're looking for doorways into having this conversation, and so we're gonna talk about this in the concepts of four doors into the conversation about sex. Number one is talk about the relationship, not the sex. So instead of we need to talk about our sex life, try I miss feeling close to you.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 4:14

You know, just to give you the idea of what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Yeah, because I guess the whole idea is that if you talk about your relationship more as a whole and it improves, the sex should just improve.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Right.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

That that's the idea here. It's kind of a long road.

SPEAKER_02 4:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

It's not, you know, you're you're not just cutting right to sex, you're not taking the shortcut. You gotta have the patience to go down the long road. But you should if you're if your relationship I guess I should say, if you your sex is not doing so hot, then how good is your relationship doing? Right. So your relationship needs help anyway. Your relationship sucks, probably. So you should start there, honestly, and let sex come along. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

Yeah, and and one of the one of the concepts with this one too is that if you say, you know, we need to talk about our sex life, sometimes people hear the word sex and they are bracing for criticism or some sort of performance review, or that they're failing in some way.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

They feel probably automatic shame. Right. Or or like yeah, I I can I I would imagine that.

unknown 5:23

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Oh my god, I'm doing something wrong. And and sex is such a like tender topic. Right. Personal, like it it could just crush you, honestly. Like, I I see that.

SPEAKER_02 5:38

Yeah, and so you bring up the it kind of it's because it's so person it's because it's so vulnerable.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

That's what it is.

SPEAKER_02 5:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

When we have sex, we're naked, we're making noises, we're making faces, we're at our most vulnerable state, right? And we're kind of helpless when we go into that orgasmic place. Yeah, there's a loss of control there, right? Right. So we are at our maybe our most vulnerable state, and so when someone's coming at you and just the word can trigger that shame or insecurity about us being vulnerable. Like, I was just so vulnerable. How could like, you know, it could before they've even said anything. Right. That feeling of being almost betrayed, like, I was so vulnerable, you're bringing this up, like, you know.

SPEAKER_02 6:34

Well, yeah, and so so here's something that I'll I'll take from that. I think a lot of people who've had a job can understand. This is a lot like when your boss at work tells you, we gotta talk about X or Y or Z. You get you're feeling vulnerable, and so it's like, oh, here comes the criticism, here comes what I'm doing wrong. You get so fixated on that that you kind of miss what that boss is telling you a lot of times. You can your brain kind of shuts down in that kind of defense posture you're going into. So it's a lot like that. So, yeah, be uh be careful with we need to talk about our sex life. Something like I won't I would just want us to feel more connected would be a good way. That that's a good doorway.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

Yeah, and honestly, the phrase we need to talk about dot dot dot. It doesn't matter what the next word is, is always daunting.

SPEAKER_02 7:21

It is always daunting, and it's like, well, what do you mean we? You're bringing this, you you need to talk. When you say we need to talk, sounds like you feel like I'm in trouble. Yeah, I'm in trouble. That's what it sounds like. Yeah, you you you you feel like you need to talk about something. I don't know what we need to talk about, but you're telling me we need to talk. I don't know that we do. It sounds like you need to uh to me, and I'm in trouble. Yeah, exactly. So, doorway number two for this having this conversation, get curious instead of making requests. So, one of the easiest conversations to starters is simply to say, can I ask you something I've always wondered?

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Then what makes you might not even be something you've always wondered. You could say, Can I ask you something I've been wondering lately? Or I mean, and that's kind of sounds stupid, but I mean phrase it however you're gonna phrase it.

SPEAKER_02 8:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

I've been thinking I I I think people get curious is the point. Would say in that, like, you know, I've been wondering about something. Can I just ask, like, and then ask whatever it is you're gonna ask, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:23

Yeah, that's a good idea.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

There's a more natural way to well, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

Yeah, this is just kind of a suggestion, and then just you know, do it the way you're gonna do it. Right. You know, so alright.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

And you were gonna give us some of those curious questions, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:37

Yeah. So what makes you feel most desired? When do you feel sexiest? What helps you get in the mood? Is there anything you've wanted to tell me but haven't when it comes to our sex?

SPEAKER_01 8:47

That last one is really important because what based on the answer to that, yeah, those other three questions might not mean anything. It might not matter how to answer the question of how are you most desired, because there might be something that that person needs to tell their partner that they haven't, and until they figure out or fix whatever it is they need to tell 'em, which I mean, I don't know, some examples of that. It it doesn't matter how they're most desired or what makes them feel more sexy, right? So that I like that last question because it allows, if there's like some kind of kind of major problem, yeah, it opens that door. It allows that to be addressed before you even get to the other stuff.

SPEAKER_02 9:38

Yeah, so maybe that's a good place to start. Is is there anything you'd wanted to tell me but haven't? That's a good place to start. Um is because curiosity feels me.

SPEAKER_01 9:46

Well I wouldn't start there. I because then that that's a big that's like chewing off a big bite of the elephant.

SPEAKER_00 9:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

I don't know if I'd start there because I think it's overwhelming. I like like those first questions. Okay, but then once you get to that like later one, the person who's being asked would be like, yeah, I before we even address those first questions, like, I gotta tell you this thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:13

If there is something to be told. So those your point is those first three could be sort of warm-up questions. You might get some shallow answers, um, some answers. But maybe once that fourth one is asked, then maybe they open up a lot more.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

And maybe you ask them all at once. Like maybe you say, Hey, I've written these down. I just want you to read these and you know, or uh do it however you want to do it.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

But you may not get that far on those first three questions because yeah, you need that fourth question, but I think if you ask that fourth one first, it does come off of like, ooh, that's a lot, like to hand your partner right off the bat.

unknown 10:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

Yeah, that is, that's a lot because it's so broad. Yeah, but those three questions give you the context.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

Yes, once you know what the what they're after, what they're talking about, then you could be like, is there anything you want to tell me that you haven't told me? And that's a great opportunity for your partner to to do that, you know.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

And I think this to then get to the desire and this and the I feel sexy, and that it's almost like you're putting the the answer before the problem.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

Like the answer is yeah, I want to feel sexy, yeah, I want to be desired, yeah. I want to, you know, oh, but there's this thing that I need taken care of before that can happen. And so it's kind of I like the order of those questions.

SPEAKER_02 11:35

Okay, yeah, that makes sense. All right, number three, the third doorway into this conversation about sex is make it about the future and not the past. So don't get hung up on, you know, you never do this, or we don't ever do this. We always, you know, yeah, we've never done this thing or whatever. Instead, you know, I'd love for us to create the best sex life that we've ever had. So forward looking, not backward looking.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

Because you're having this conversation because it's it ain't working for some reason, or not, it's not optimal, at least. And so you don't want to dwell on all of those things because you want to be forward-looking, yeah. Optimistic about the future.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

And after you say something like, Man, I really want to have the best sex life that we we've ever had, if you have safe haven, if you feel like okay, we're we're team, we're a team now, like, and and we're going to we're solving this together, you know, and you really have that team mentality, and not so hard to not dip into accusatory or you this, you know, yeah, I need blah blah blah. But hopefully, because you you you do have to, you don't have to like necessarily dive into the past, but you do have to address what is not working.

SPEAKER_02 12:58

Well, right, and it's and that will probably, just like the last one we talked about, that will probably come along.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

Hopefully that comes along, but it's not that's not what you're gonna lead with.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:08

Of exactly, hey, this isn't working, you know, kind of thing.

SPEAKER_02 13:11

Yeah. I want us to have the best sex life we've ever had. Right. Then it's like, well, what's what's wrong with the one we have had? Right. So it that might open the door to saying, okay, yeah, let's learn from the past. But you might not even have to. We're not gonna dwell in the past.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

Yeah, and you might not even have to say what's wrong with what's going on now. You might just get to say what you need that that's different.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

Instead of saying, This position just doesn't work for me, or I don't like it when you touch me here, or what whatever it is, yeah, I you know, instead say, I want you to touch me like this, I want you to touch me here, or I want to do, I want to try this position, or I want to have more morning sex, instead of saying, I'm so tired, night sex, you know, like say what you want, not what you don't want, maybe.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

Right, right. Is an idea. Not what that hasn't been working in the past. All right, the fourth doorway into having conversations about sex, use outside content as permission. This one is hugely underused, so people can say things like, I heard something on a podcast today. I was listening to the Colliteral Truth Podcast today, and for sure, use us. Yeah, exactly. Or I read an article, or uh, you know, I I was talking to my my therapist about this or something like that.

SPEAKER_01 14:27

Right. Yep.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

Use other outside content or people as permission. You know, this came up, and now I want to bring it up. I want to talk about it for us.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

I honestly think this is the easiest one. This is the easiest doorway to use. Like use our podcast if you need just whatever it is, then it doesn't shine the light on your sex life. Because if it just comes out of nowhere, it could feel more uh pressured or or more daunting. Like, oh, you were thinking about like this just came up randomly. You must be thinking about how trash our sex life is, or you know, how badly last week was or last night, or you know, like no, just then they're like, Oh, no, it didn't come up because of our sex life. It came up because they heard something on a podcast. Like, I just think that it's received easier if this is the trigger rather than the actual sex you just had.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

Whether that's true or not, I think it's just an easier way to get into that conversation.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:38

It's because it's something outside of your bedroom. It has nothing to do with you yet. You know, it's just a podcast you heard or an article you read.

SPEAKER_02 15:45

And I think it really underscores that curiosity that we talked about earlier. You know, it's like, hmm, I heard this and this made me curious. And now I want to bounce it off you, my best friend and partner, you know.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

Well, we don't know that they're best friends, but they are partners. Well we hope, yeah. But how many Hopefully they'll become that. How we're also not big fans of that.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

Like That's true. How how often are but hey, trying to make a go-to person.

SPEAKER_01 16:15

You're trying to get to the the best case, you know, the most idyllic situation. Some people are just with the wrong partners, period. But if you're not partnered right now, this is great prep.

SPEAKER_02 16:26

It is great prep. But but here's something that we're gonna just be straight with you about, and you and I have talked about this before, like, see, where it's like when we f first embarked on this, we were like, Well, I had this discovery, and you're like, Well, yeah, of course. I s my discovery was as we coach people, we're gonna probably coach people into breakups because they're gonna find and they start digging and asking these questions, there might be some incompatibility. Now we hope we don't wish that on anybody, but a lot of times we ended up by inertia with some somebody we're with, and that's the deeper problem.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

So I don't want to get too much off on a tangent, but we see too many people settling in mediocre relationships, that's the bottom line of it. So, but if you feel like no, I'm I'm in a good relationship, just need to tweak a couple of things out. Yeah, here we are.

SPEAKER_02 17:18

So I got some statements that are like openers for this, and I'm gonna throw them out and then I'm gonna let you pick them apart and we'll pick them apart together. Yeah, so there's one I'm calling the soft start, and it's like this. Can we talk about our sex life for a few minutes? Nothing's wrong. I just want us to get even better. What do you think about that one?

SPEAKER_01 17:40

I like it if it's true. I'm you know, I I was just talking something. Well, uh yeah, I was just talking about how, like, hey, if you're listening to a podcast, yeah, you know, you could use your your sex life, your own sex life for the trigger, but it's easier to not, you know. I don't necessarily think that's dishonest. However, this, because you did listen to that podcast, or you know, whatever, you're just using a different trigger to get back to your sex life.

SPEAKER_02 18:05

But the nothing's wrong part might be a little bit strong because something obviously is wrong.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

So I don't really love this one.

SPEAKER_02 18:13

It's a little disingenuous.

SPEAKER_01 18:15

Because yeah, it's obviously something is either wrong or I guess just something could be better.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:22

You know, and you could word it, however, you could say nothing's terribly wrong, just things could be better. I I would rather like that.

SPEAKER_02 18:30

Yeah, you could just leave the nothing's wrong out. Can we talk about our sex life for a few minutes? I just want us to get even better.

unknown 18:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:37

Just leave out the nothing's wrong. Right. All right. We're editing as we go along here. This is good. The next one is called the Curious Start. Can I ask you something I've been wondering about our sex life?

SPEAKER_01 18:47

Okay, a little unnatural. Like I said, we've, you know, we heard this one before. Usually people don't ask people if they can ask them questions. They just ask.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

But that's true. Can I ask you a question about asking a question?

SPEAKER_01 19:02

Yeah. Very fast. I kind of hate when people do that to me. It's so annoying.

SPEAKER_02 19:06

Can I ask you a question? Well, you just did.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

I really hated that in dating when guys would text. Can I ask you a question?

SPEAKER_02 19:13

Other than that one?

SPEAKER_01 19:14

I don't I don't know if I well, I don't know anything about the question you're gonna ask, so it could be like it's too late. Like you can't it's it's so stupid. Don't do it.

SPEAKER_00 19:23

All right.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

Anyways, um, this one, yeah, not my favorite, but not the worst if you if you word it in a more natural way. Like I said, like, hey, I've been wondering, like, can I just ask, can we? And it might be, honestly, it sounds more natural when you fumble that like that.

SPEAKER_02 19:42

Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

When you fumble like that, it's non-threatening and and curious driven instead of like so unnaturally like worded like that. But anyway, okay, let's move on.

SPEAKER_02 19:54

Alright. The next one is the team start. I feel like we're great at talking about a lot of things, but not sex.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

Now again, you this has to be true. So if you suck at talking about everything, you can't use this one. That's right. If you're like, no, yeah, we're really good about talking about the kids, we're about finances, uh, we're really good about talking about our pets.

SPEAKER_02 20:13

And that's that could be the case. That could be definitely kind of. It could be the case. You're like, man, the only area we don't talk about is sex, damn it.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

And so, yeah, if this is true, then this is a great one to use. Hey, we're so good about talking about everything else except for sex. Like, can we get better at that? You know, it's just gonna improve our sex life. That I think that's a great thing to use.

SPEAKER_02 20:33

Here's one that I've got mixed emotions about the vulnerable start. I've been nervous to bring this up because I don't want you to think I'm criticizing you. And I mean, if that's where you're at, maybe that's good too. Again, I'm just like, wow, there's some not safe haven is what you're thinking about. Yeah, it's just there's just there's some deeper issues here. Yeah. Maybe you need to fix that before you start talking about it.

SPEAKER_01 20:57

Look, the fact of the matter is, if you're nervous to talk to your partner about anything, yeah, you do not have safe haven. Right. And we're referring to our seven bridges of a solid relationship framework. Episode three is where that all starts. You'll see in our in our list of episodes, every bridge has its own episode. If you've been here long enough, you know what we're talking about. Safe haven, bridge four, emotional safety in a nutshell. If you are nervous to talk to your partner, you haven't probably practiced bridge two bias for communication enough.

SPEAKER_02 21:34

Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:35

And you don't have safe haven.

SPEAKER_02 21:38

Yeah, and this statement makes me think you've probably got another go to person, a sister, a friend, a brother, something like that.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

But hey, this would be a big step if you did this, if you said, if you admitted this, and and maybe it's a way to work on safe haven to say, hey, I'm nervous to talk to you about that because vulnerability and receiving safety. Safety back, that is what gets you over that bridge. That is what builds the bridge of safe haven. So this is if you're if you're there, you're there. But I think this is this is okay. Yeah. If if it's true, you say, hey, I'm nervous to bring this up.

SPEAKER_02 22:16

But and and then But I'm nervous to bring a lot of things up.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

Depending on how it's received, will tell you, can I cross the bridge of safe haven with this person?

SPEAKER_02 22:25

Right, because if you get shut down abruptly, if defensive consequences, yeah, like why are you nervous to talk to me about that, you know? Or just because you react like that.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

Yeah, if it's not received well, then you might kiss your chances of having safe haven with this person because you were vulnerable in coming in bringing it up, right? If it's not received well, you can bet you're probably not going to cross the bridge of safe haven with this partner.

SPEAKER_02 22:49

Probably not, yeah. I would say that's a strong possibility. Next one is the positive start. I loving I love having sex with you, and I think we could make it even better if we talked about it more.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Okay. So again, I I'm always for people, you know, for honesty. So if these are honest, go with it. You may not love having sex with this person, and then you might want to choose another one from the list, you know. So if you're like, oh god, sex is such a drag, I hate it, it's so boring, or you know, I I don't like the style, like that he or she or they, you know, like what just yeah, don't lie.

SPEAKER_02 23:28

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 23:29

We're not advocating for you to lie, but if this applies, this is an idea that you could say, like, I really do love having sex with him, I just need this, or you know, whatever. Right. Then you could use that.

SPEAKER_02 23:41

And I think this is good. I think that's why these statements are kind of good because they're kind of basic and generic, and we're gonna go along like we've been doing and pointing out what we like or don't like about it to help you kind of tweak them a little bit. So the next one's called the check-in. I got mixed emotions about this one too. Okay. Are you happy with our sex life? And then shut up.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

Really abrupt? I mean, you need kind of a lead-in, maybe at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Well, my my next question is you never said that. Well, obviously, you're not happy with our sex life. Yeah, so it could start an argument. So, but yeah, I think you kind of need a lead-in.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

And again, this one.

SPEAKER_02 24:17

I've had responses like that when I've brought something up, and it's really undermined safe haven.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

That's what I'm saying. That's what I was gonna say. I think that this one you have to have safe haven, or this is not gonna go well.

SPEAKER_02 24:30

I think I used a question very similar to this with someone once, and that was the response. Well, obviously, you know, it might have been our frequency. Like, okay. I do you feel like we're having sex often enough? And her response was, Well, obviously you don't. And I was like, and then my next response was to shut up.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 24:51

Yeah. Because I felt unsafe.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 24:54

Yeah. All right, but but yeah, a more honest response, a more safe feeling response would be to say, and if we'd had safe haven, then my next one probably would have been, you're right. I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_01 25:05

See, if you asked me that, we have safe haven, so if you asked me that, I would just honestly answer the question. Like, probably not like not quite like let's try to let's try to step that up. Right. That would be mine.

SPEAKER_02 25:17

And I feel totally safe too. But in that relationship, I absolutely did not know safe haven. And so it just shut me down. So that's the thing.

SPEAKER_01 25:27

Whether you have safe haven or not, and then we're just gonna say right now, like this is this episode about talking about sex, it's like, man, we're really finding out how important the seven bridges, how important the solid, how solid is your relationship, and that's gonna maybe determine your success here. But like, these are just ideas of how to just bring it up, right? That one is really abrupt. I would think that for most people it would need a lead-in statement, question.

SPEAKER_02 25:58

For most people, but you bring up a good point. We have safe haven, and so you just talked about how that would go with us, and I totally agree with you. That would go with go very well with us.

SPEAKER_01 26:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:07

This is a little bit as we go through these, to me, it's a little bit feeling like some of them are gonna expose your your not safe haven or your lack of bias for communication. Yep. And we gotta go back to build up some of these. We're jumping to bridge five and sexual compatibility, and we've got basic relationship problems.

SPEAKER_01 26:29

Yeah, yeah, I I agree. Starting back at bridge two.

SPEAKER_02 26:32

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

But I I think that for a lot of couples, this is not gonna go over well to just say what was the read it one more time.

SPEAKER_02 26:40

Are you happy with our sex life and then just shut up?

SPEAKER_01 26:42

Yeah. For a lot of couples, you need some kind of lead-in or I don't know. Because imagine a couple. You're your average couple going on an errand together. Like they're going to Costco.

SPEAKER_00 26:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:56

Okay? You get in the car and and this is what someone says?

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:02

Can can you imagine that? Like how are you gonna how are you gonna bring this up? When are you gonna bring this up? Are you gonna bring it up when you're both sitting, you know, on at the dinner table, on the couch to watch the game? Like where and when and how are you gonna bring this up?

SPEAKER_02 27:16

I just don't think this is the best Well, and again, I think one of the a good tests for any of these is how does it make you feel when you hear us say this? Like, are you happy with your our sex life? How are you gonna feel comfortable saying that to your partner right now? Just yes or no. If you if you say no, it's gonna at least need a lead-in, but you might also want to look a little deeper and say, Well, I yeah, I could never say that because I like my example I gave. I tried it and it went just like everything else that was vulnerable in that relationship.

SPEAKER_01 27:48

And at the time you didn't have the framework, but now you know I built the framework after that relationship. It's because you didn't have safe haven.

SPEAKER_02 27:56

Right. I didn't have safe haven, and I knew I needed that. And and it because it went just like every other vulnerable question I'd ever asked, I get shut down. I was like, yeah, this was probably one of the last times I brought up something like that before the relationship ended, because I just knew I'm not safe here, and there's nothing, because I've tried that I can do to be safe here.

SPEAKER_01 28:18

This is why bridge five, sexual compatibility, comes after bridge four, which comes after bridge three, emotional availability, and bridge two bias for communication. Honestly, like you can work on your sex all you want and your sexual communication, but if you don't have bridge two, three, and four bias for communication and a bias for communication, not just mediocre com you know, common communication. Emotional availability where you're able to share and receive each other's feelings and a safety with that, uh you're only gonna get so far on fixing your sex life.

SPEAKER_02 28:54

Yeah, this ain't gonna go well.

SPEAKER_01 28:55

So but some of the there there should be, if you're like, okay, yeah, that's true, yeah, that's true, we need to work, you know, whatever. But to bring up your your there should be an answer for everyone in here in terms of to just bring it up and then, you know, be mindful that you need to work on those things.

SPEAKER_02 29:13

That's why we have all these different work on your relationship framework. Yeah, exactly. So some of them are gonna feel good to you, some of them are gonna feel bad to you, but take that as data and what it might be telling you about your relationship. Okay, next next one is the permission start. Can I ask you something a little awkward?

SPEAKER_01 29:31

I don't like this one.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:33

First of all, I still I I told you I don't like when people ask you if you can ask a question. Right. It's dumb. It's just what are they gonna say? Is the person like gonna say no, you can't ask me that? It's pointless to it's it's just pointless to me because if they say no, then it's like okay, and then nothing gets conversed about.

SPEAKER_02 29:56

Well, the the concept of it being a permission start, you know, that's what this list is called. Or a soft start or whatever. You need permission to talk. You need permission to ask a question.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

That's that's uh inherently a bad sign for But if you don't know anything about what the question's about, like I would think that it'd be better if you say, Hey, can I ask you something about sex that could be a little awkward? That's better. That is at least you know what the fuck we're talking about instead of okay, this could be just about anything. Like, I don't know if I'm that is not productive.

SPEAKER_00 30:32

Right.

SPEAKER_01 30:33

To to ask an o a question about asking a question about and you have no idea what the context is going to be about, that's pointless to me.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

Right.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

So if you're gonna do this, first of all, we don't want to advocate that sex is awkward. That's totally against our our brand, our our thing, yeah, what we do here. And so if you feel that it is, it's like, hey, you got some work to do on education, on being comfortable, yeah, on being sex positive, on talking about it openly, and and not playing into the stigma of hush hush about sex and shit like that. So I mean, you could word this one like, hey, can I ask you something? It's about sex. Like, but be careful because it's like if you're acting like timid and shamed and and I mean that that's not I I just don't want sex to get it's almost like a disservice to sex to to come into it wimpy like that and bashful. Yeah, it's like hey, you need to work on your sex positivity if you can't just if you if you're coming in all like you know, like a kid that just got in trouble or something like shameful and stuff.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

It it just amplifies the shame around sex.

SPEAKER_01 31:54

Yeah, I I think it just exacerbates problems, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 31:56

I don't like this one. How about the podcast start? I listened to the Clittle Sh Clitoral Truth Podcast today and they said something that made me curious.

SPEAKER_01 32:05

Fuck yeah. Yeah. Use us.

SPEAKER_02 32:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:07

You know, I mean it's funny this thing comes to mind like if there was something difficult I needed to do or say or tell a teacher or this or that, my mom would always say, Blame it on me.

SPEAKER_02 32:18

There you go.

SPEAKER_01 32:19

My mom said, or if if I didn't want to play with a friend or like whatever it was, you know. She she's you know, just to make things a little bit easier uh for me in terms of especially if it was someone I didn't really need owe an explanation to or something, you know, like we don't have a relationship, who cares? You know, she'd be like, yeah, just blame it on me. It's it's nice of your mom to be the to be the town asshole. She totally wasn't. It was like the angel. But like, yeah, it it was her mom is just really tough now. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'd just be like, well, yeah, my mom said this, you know, kind of thing. It's like, well, it's a slightly dishonest. Word from my mom. Maybe, but but hey, if you're listening, it's not dishonest because if you're listening, you got this idea from listening.

SPEAKER_02 33:07

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 33:08

You can't, you wouldn't know this idea if you weren't listening. So it is true, yeah, it's true that you want your sex life to be better, but it's also true that you heard something on the Cliteral Truth Podcast and you're gonna So blame it on us.

SPEAKER_02 33:18

Yeah, blame it on us. Use us. Yeah. Our sex life sucks according to the Cliteral Truth Podcast. We need to fix this. No, I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_00 33:25

Nah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:26

Uh, how about the dream start? If we could design our perfect sex life together, what would it look like?

SPEAKER_01 33:31

Okay, this is another one that is a little bit out of the blue if you like, but then again, this is about like, ooh, how do you bring up sex when it's not just out of the blue, you know? And that's why, like, I'm gonna pitch our episode four, the morning after conversation. If you can get to the point where you have that it's such a good starter. It's such a fucking good idea.

SPEAKER_02 33:54

It's the morning after conversation to say, hey, what about this idea from the Cliteral Truth Podcast?

SPEAKER_01 34:00

Right. Where there's this morning after conversation where you you you have this like set designated time and place that you talk about last night's sex, and then you kind of can go over what worked, what didn't, what you'd like, you know, better, what you know, are would you want to have that way? You know, like that is what is needed here because to ask this question just out of the blue, like I mean, hey, maybe the best time to ask that question is I don't know, I could be really wrong. Because if your sex is not great, like maybe right after sex, when hey, it's relevant, like it's not just coming out of the blue. Yeah, but then again, if your sex like sucked, then you ask this question about hey, what would your dream sex be like? Like, not what it just was. Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 34:50

Well, apparently not just what we had.

SPEAKER_01 34:52

Yeah, like when is this a good question? Like, when is this apparently you think it sucks? When can you ask this question? I think it's a good question to ask. I think this is an excellent question to get the answer to.

SPEAKER_02 35:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:03

Because it's like, hey, what do we want for a sex life? What is your ideal? What's my ideal? Do those mesh? Are we compatible? Can we can we do it? Can we accomplish that? And then why the fuck aren't we if we I think it's a great answer to come to.

SPEAKER_02 35:20

But I think it's the morning after conversation, uh, that's part of the whole concept behind that. Is it's given the thing time to discharge, time to relax, time to get away from the situation.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

Time to think.

SPEAKER_02 35:32

Because I think if you do it right while you're in bed together, it's gonna it's gonna come across as a complaint.

SPEAKER_01 35:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:38

Almost always.

SPEAKER_01 35:39

Right. Like, hmm, that wasn't my dream. Yeah. What would be my dreams?

SPEAKER_02 35:43

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

But I don't know when you're gonna ask this. Good luck.

SPEAKER_02 35:46

But but but yeah, but I mean right after, because it might have been great for your partner, but what you're implying there, if you're not careful, is that it wasn't great for you.

SPEAKER_01 35:57

Yeah, may so I'm I'm thinking that maybe the best time to ask this question is a completely non-sexual random time, like you're on a road trip, you're stuck in a car together. But that that's the point of the.

SPEAKER_02 36:14

Yeah, that's the concept of the morning after conversation, though, because it's like it's you're not getting so far away from it that nobody can remember, but you are being intentional about it, but you're also giving it enough time and space that the emotions have discharged completely. It's a little bit like a basketball coach waiting till the end of the season. If you wait too long, it's like, well, we're gonna wait till the end of the season to do a recap on why you missed this pass in game two. Well, I don't remember who we played in game two. So it doesn't do you any good to tell me that. Right. So but but and you know, I guess maybe that's not the best example. Because the best time in that case is in the action. It's like, you know, well, for a basketball coach, so maybe that's not the best anatomy.

SPEAKER_01 36:59

Well, or halftime. You go into halftime, you deliberate. That's kind of like the morning after conversation.

SPEAKER_02 37:03

Yeah, there you go.

SPEAKER_01 37:04

I mean, the whole game's not over, but ha I say halftime and after the game.

SPEAKER_00 37:08

Right.

SPEAKER_01 37:08

They they watch tape, they go through, yeah, and say, hey, look, you missed this pass.

SPEAKER_02 37:12

Well, that's actually not a bad because even in the midst of sex, you might say, a little faster, a little slower, a little different. You know, that's the that's the coaching. That's the coaching in the moment where you're up off the bench. And you're right, you're giving some instruction as you're going along. That's healthy too. But yeah, the morning after conversation is like halftime or post-game. After the game and the long time.

SPEAKER_01 37:33

Watching the game film on Monday. I agree.

SPEAKER_02 37:36

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

So yeah, I think that this could be this could be useful, but maybe at a completely random time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:49

Emotionally discharged time, and yeah, exactly. That's good. Alright. There's another one here, last one, the safety start. Mixed emotions again. I want this to be a conversation, not a complaint. Again, I feel like this needs to be a lead-in of some kind. I want to have a conversation.

SPEAKER_01 38:06

I want to have a conversation. I don't want you to think I'm complaining. Right. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 38:13

Um again, it's it's, you know, from this list I've found it's called the safety start. But again, that implies You have no safety. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 38:23

You have no safe haven.

SPEAKER_02 38:24

Right. So many of these come back to that, and I don't want to turn this into a different episode, but these are separate or just different ways to approach it. And you're gonna feel, for you specifically, you're gonna feel different levels of comfort or discomfort with these. So use the ones you feel comfortable with.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

In this podcast, we often use the terms women and men when discussing relationships and sexual dynamics. However, we want to acknowledge that not all women have vulvas and not all vulva owners identify as women. Similarly, not all men have penises, and not all penis owners identify as men. Our podcast welcomes individuals and couples of all orientations and identities. We aim for inclusivity, but fully acknowledge that our attempts will never be perfect. We are learning and adopting new language as humankind and our world evolve.

SPEAKER_02 39:24

Hey, just a heads up.