The Cliteral Truth Podcast
Welcome to The Cliteral Truth-the podcast where we sit around naked and talk about sex, dating, and relationships.
We're Lexie and Ryan!
When we met, we quickly realized we share a passion for sex. We believe when it comes to sexual knowledge and performance, we're in the top 1%. Sex is our zone of genius. And after experiencing each other's aptitude and prowess, we gradually conceptualized our vision of helping others find that passion and master their own sexuality.
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The Cliteral Truth offers coaching and educational services focused on sexual wellness, intimacy, and similar topics. Our content is intended for adults and is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for medical, psychological, or professional therapy services. Always consult your physician or mental health provider if you have concerns related to your physical or emotional health. Participation in our courses and coaching is voluntary, and we encourage respectful, trauma-informed engagement. No physical demonstrations or touch are involved in our offerings.
The Cliteral Truth Podcast
98. The Secure Base Test: 3 Questions Every Couple Should Ask
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Does your relationship make you feel emotionally safe—or simply keep you attached?
In this episode, we introduce The Secure Base Test™: three revealing questions that can help you recognize secure attachment, emotional safety, and genuine support in your relationship.
Discover the difference between a safe haven and a secure base, the relationship green flags that matter most, and whether your partner’s love gives you the confidence to grow—or makes you afraid to move.
Whether you’re dating, partnered, rebuilding trust, or questioning your attachment style, this relationship test offers a simple way to ask:
Does this relationship merely keep me attached—or does it help me feel free?
This is the Cliteral Truth.
SPEAKER_00The podcast where we sit around naked and talk about sex, dating, and relationships.
SPEAKER_01Today we want to talk about something we're calling the secure base test. So if you've if you're a longtime listener, and hopefully you are, you know about the seven bridges of a solid relationship. And the seventh bridge is the secure base, and this is the one that is probably least understood by people. Here's my opinion on this. It's because so few people get to that in their relationships where they really feel secure. Yeah, because secure base isn't about possession and control.
SPEAKER_00It's actually about And security, you know, all the I feel like security is such a reason why many people, especially women, get into relationships.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And to feel to feel physically secure, financially secure, whatever. That could be so so that's why it's misunderstood, I think, because secure secure base isn't about being being protected in that way. Secure base is actually more about liberation.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's that you feel safe and and you feel free for you feel authentically you and that sort of thing. And so I think this is why it's kind of misunderstood. So we want to talk about how do you know your relationship is actually solid. For instance, safe haven, and that's bridge four, right? If I got that number four, is about being vulnerable and emotionally safe, and and that's being both received and given. That's why we have this concept of the bridges. You gotta kind of meet, you know, you gotta meet on the bridge. You can't go all the way to your partner's island over the bridge the whole way and offer them a safe haven because they've got to offer that to you too. So it's both received and given. So that's where we talk about secure base being about liberation. It's neither partner is doing all of the work in secure base. And or safe haven, you know, you've got to have that safety initially. Any thoughts on that?
SPEAKER_00Uh just that bridge four, safe haven, is kind of the pinnacle of the framework. It is. It's I think it's a point. Possibly the hardest or most impressive to cross together. Then I feel like it can get easier down the road if you do cross that bridge together.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think.
SPEAKER_00But that it's probably the hardest to get. You're you're going uphill.
SPEAKER_01It's a real steep climb.
SPEAKER_00Trying to, you know, uh bridge one, two, three, four. You're going uphill.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00To me, my visual, to cross bridge four. Once you cross bridge four, you kind of can leisurely down the hill. It doesn't mean you'll you'll stay together or cross together.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00But if you do, it it seems to get easier.
SPEAKER_01Well, I think the other bridge is after bridge four. Right. Bridge five sexual compatibility where we talk about frequency style and frequency activity and style. So yeah, frequency activity and style. I think those become easier once you get at a safe haven. I think intimacy becomes ultimately easier bridge across once you get to safe haven.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, intimacy is kind of just something that's going to happen after you've crossed bridge for I my opinion is it's not going to happen if you don't cross bridge. Unless you well, yeah, that's why they're in this order.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And neither is sexual compatibility because some of those things you can't talk about. Yeah. Because you're not safe to talk about how often I want this and what I want to do.
SPEAKER_00What I want and all of that. And and then style not really free to be exactly who you are in the bedroom unless you've got if you've crossed bridge four. Right. And you feel really emotionally safe with this person. So they're in the order they're in.
SPEAKER_02They are.
SPEAKER_00And then I feel like you arrive, if you do, with your partner on bridge seven, and we're talking more about what that looks like, I guess.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, exactly. And so, and the thing about bridge seven, secure base, is we sometimes we've talked about you, you know, you f kind of automatically get there once you crossed all these other bridges. And there's some truth to that, but it's not like you can just rest on that.
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_01Because there will be things come up that all of a sudden you don't feel secure for whatever reason.
SPEAKER_00You gotta look back at one of the other bridges and be like, wait, is everything cool there? What's going on?
SPEAKER_01Right. Or if something just out of the blue kind of undermines your feeling secure in the relationship, something comes up, there's a I don't know, I can't think of an example right now. But at that point, if you have safe haven, you should be able to deal with that. It's like, oh, you know, I feel I feel insecure about this for whatever reason, but we can talk about it. But if you get to that point and it's like I feel insecure about this, but I don't know what to do now, then you haven't really crossed before.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you gotta you better go back to bridge two problems.
SPEAKER_01Bridge bridge two, yeah. I mean, bias for communication. If you don't feel safe to talk about it, that's a bridge four problem. But if you're not even sure how to talk about it because you don't talk about these things, then you you really haven't made it as far as you thought you did, I guess is my point here.
SPEAKER_00Uh well, really the truth is if you don't feel safe about something, then you don't have a strong enough bridge two or three.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00That's true. So you gotta go all the way back to bridge two.
SPEAKER_01You do, so it's a loop all around things. So when we talk about secure base, you know, when you have a strong relationship, we talked about this earlier, it's it's more of liberation than control, or more of liberation than a safe room.
SPEAKER_00Feels like a liberated relationship. Yes. Not just personally, we're talking about relationally here. It feels like a free, liberated relationship that, yeah, is secure. There's a difference between feeling to you use the word wedlocked a lot. Right. You know, there's a difference between feeling locked in and and feeling confined and contrived, and you know, there's there's yeah, I guess there's a safety in that, but it's not very liberating.
SPEAKER_01No, and I you know, I I alluded to the concept of the safe room, you know, like where uh you know, a lot of uh not a lot of people, but some people will have like a safe room in their house, like it's like a it's a secure maybe it's a bathroom or something like that. There was a whole movie about this the decade or so ago. Anyway, it was like a terror, like a suspense movie. But anyway, it's it's kind of like that concept of the safe room. I can go in here and lock myself away, and then nothing from the outside can get me. But that's not what we're talking about when we talk about secure base. Secure base is more internal, it's not a fortress, it's uh it's it's it's a it's an emotional place. It's a lot of people.
SPEAKER_00I feel secure, I feel secure in this relationship, so both of us are actually more free as a result. Right.
SPEAKER_01I don't need the safe room. And I can I can leave the house and things are gonna be okay. I can go do this or do that, and we're still okay, you know? Yeah, I can I can leave town for two weeks and we'll just be glad to see each other. But there's no like, hmm, if she goes out of town for two weeks, I don't know how I feel about that.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01You don't have secure base if that's your first thought. Yep. You don't have that. So all right, so the test. We talked about the secure base test, and it basically boils down to a few questions. And the first one is to ask yourself, am I growing? Am I growing in this relationship? Or am I having to tone myself down? Do I have limits again? So is is is am I does my partner kind of try and restrict me and restrain me and keep me from growth? Doesn't encourage me, isn't my cheerleader, that sort of thing.
SPEAKER_00Man, you're hitting your you're talking to me past relationship that I was in. That's all yeah. And I think that I am a person that is just going to grow, come hail or stormy weather, but it sure wasn't good conditions, and I felt like all during my growth, someone was peeing in my Cheerios the whole time. And if that's the case, that that really grows you apart.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You're growing, they're not they're trying to hinder your growth, and that is a relationship that will end.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00And you'll leave them behind. Yeah. You just will.
SPEAKER_01But I think well, and if you don't, then you won't grow. And that's gonna feel really rough, you know.
SPEAKER_00Well, you know, yeah, I felt like I grew, but I did it alone.
SPEAKER_01It was a personal You did it in spite of the relationship.
SPEAKER_00And it was a personal pursuit rather than and and then you do that growth and you look back and and you're so far away from your partner, and you really have nothing, you know.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Your partner should be and they could be doing their own things. Oh yeah. But they should be a good thing. It's part of secure base too.
SPEAKER_01You can do your own things, and but you're coming back together and and you're supporting each other in your own thing.
SPEAKER_00You're supporting each other. You are cheerleading, you're the biggest fan.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You're so excited about what they're doing, you know, if it's something you're doing that you're not doing with them or whatever. But I the thing that comes to mind for me is I'm like, man, I've done a lot of I've pursued a lot of things in my life, and one of them, and it's a long grueling road, is to become an author.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And I don't think people understand what that entails, but just trust.
SPEAKER_01Especially a fiction author.
SPEAKER_00Just trust me when I say it it is a years-long no guarantee. You have to do it for love of the game process, lots of research, learning how to correctly write certain sentences that we don't learn in school, you know. Um we don't really usually go that far in school to learn that much unless you're to communicate creative writing classes for years. Anyway, the point is the difference of attitude, support, attention, excitement in one of my past partners in that pursuit and you is astounding. It's not that hard to see people if you are being cheerleaded.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00If your partner can't wait to find out about what you researched about, or uh well, in this in this particular example, right?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I'm using. Or if they're asking questions about the process of what you're doing, yeah. Or if they never talk about it, never ask about it, not curious, or even discourage you from doing that was what I was gonna say, even worse, discourage you. Which did happen to me.
SPEAKER_01Like who are you to be doing this, or you really think you can do that?
SPEAKER_00I think you should better spend your time doing this. Doing something else, yeah, and I should be I did receive that and I didn't listen. Yeah. And I'm still on the road to publication. So I I guess thank goodness I was a person who didn't listen, and and I'm just a real strong person that way, but but you have people who aren't and they do listen. And then they that changes their life or their goals or their aspirations and ambitions, and they really they don't grow because they let that other person that is peeing in their on their plant. Yeah, it really kills them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Well, it's a and that's a key point of secure base, and that's why this is such a good question for this test is there's uh there's typically, I would think, an insecurity in a person who's going to try and hold you back and restrict you and keep you it's like the anal the old analogy of the crabs in the bucket, you know, guys walking down the beach with a bucket full of crabs, and somebody says you should put a cover on that because the crabs are gonna get out, and the guy says, Well, no, they won't because one tries to get out and the other's pulling back in. That's not secure base. That's that's the opposite of secure base, where if you've got somebody who's trying to discourage you, so I mean there's kind of three levels discouraging you from growth, not encouraging your growth, or really encouraging your growth. And you if you're if you're not growing because of one of those first two reasons, you're not in a secure base relationship. And then you can, you know, we always talk about the five whys, you could five why that. Why, why don't you, you know, you could have that conversation with a partner who is discouraging. Well, what what are you why why is this, you know? Because they may be threatened by if you become too big, you're gonna outgrow me. I think that's one of the basic fears, you know.
SPEAKER_00Right, which is what happened. And the insecurity, though, there could be root causes there, like mental illness.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Who knows where to go? But but it the it is at the end of the day an insecurity.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and it's still worth getting to the bottom to the bottom of. So maybe you can f help with that. I mean, that's a part of the thing on the bridges. We talk about bridge inspections. This is one of those times where you're inspecting this secure base. Why are we not secure in this? I want to grow. What's the problem? Why are you discouraging this or not encouraging it? It bothers me if you don't encourage this. You know, let's get to the bottom of that because it's worth figuring out if you can fix it.
SPEAKER_00I'll tell you one thing though. I really like sincerity. I don't do well without it. And if I have to ask my partner for every little thing that I need or want from them, you might as well just get a dog and train them. I myself, and I'm not, you know, of the opinion that you should never have to ask or, you know, that's ideal. Never having to ask for your wants and needs to be met. But it's just really nice to be in a relationship where it's like 99% of the time, it just happens. I don't have to ask you, hey, I really need you to do, I really need this from you, I really need you to do this, or whatever. Every blue moon, it's typically just there.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Especially like the support and the cheerleader and the and the interest and the atten like I it's kind of like I don't want to ask you, hey, can you be interested in what I'm doing? Can you ask me, you know, can you can you give me attention with this and be curious and give me and be excited and give me support? Like that's and then and then when you do, it's not sincere. I know that. Like, that's not real.
SPEAKER_01Well, right. So I mean, and that's but that that's the thing, too. I mean, if you're feeling this where you you've got a you're in a partnership where somebody is not supporting you or they're discouraging you, or something like that. I would say at least start with being curious as to why that is. Because there might be it might be oversight, it might be I didn't know that was important to you.
SPEAKER_00A miscommunication.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and it's like I I totally want to support you. I just didn't realize I wasn't. And now you do it's like blind spots. Sometimes there are blind spots.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Not always, I don't want to give everybody an excuse, but be curious about why is this? Because you're gonna find out it's either a blind spot or they're gonna be like, yeah, I'm just actually not interested. Or you know, if they can be honest about it, they might say, I'm worried you're you're gonna outgrow me. But that's still something you can have a conversation about. So why why is that? What what why do you worry about that? And you may never resolve it, but you might. It might be like, I mean, there have been times early in our relationship.
SPEAKER_00I'm just saying, God, that's really hard for me to ask for things that I want and need, and then if they are received, or or then if it's given, I don't believe it's true or honest, like because it's like I need someone who's it's really nice to just be with a partner who is that support for you already. Like you shouldn't, it's hard to ask someone to for certain things.
SPEAKER_01It is, and I want to I want to push a little bit on this just because I I feel like we've got this really down, but we still have moments. But early in our relationship, there were insecurities on both both of our parts at different times. But the difference was we talked about them, it's like, oh, I didn't, you know, it was an aha moment for the other person, typically, and it's like I can deal with that. But those are the things, if you don't have those conversations, the then you never know if you're actually at an impasse. And a lot of people are just like, you know, your happiness and joy and your secure base are on the other side of the conversation that you're avoiding.
SPEAKER_00So here's an analogy, I guess. Let's take it to sex.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Use the example, okay.
SPEAKER_01I'd like to take it to sex.
SPEAKER_00It's me too. It's what we do. It's let's use pause and take it to the sex for everything we're trying to explain. Okay. Okay. We can always use sex. You've got, you know, a partnership, okay. I think it's really difficult to ask for sex when you think the other person doesn't want it.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00That's not sincere. It's like, oh, thanks for like, it's not great to have sex with someone that you don't think wants to have that with you.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00Like, how exciting is that gonna be? How humiliating is that gonna be? Like, it's just a horrible feeling, right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because it's that's that's the most exposed we ever are.
SPEAKER_00It's not only vulnerable though, but knowing they really don't want to, that's gonna feel like shit. I would think that would feel like shit if they're just going along because you want that.
SPEAKER_01It's just not sustainable unless you're gonna say that's the give yourself up.
SPEAKER_00That's what we're talking about here though. Yeah. But let's say there is this misunderstanding, and someone goes and talks about the the mismatch or whatever, and then there's this misunderstanding of like, God, I want more sex too. I just I didn't know how you felt.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00And then the other person's like, oh yeah, well, I would have come on to you, but dot dot dot.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And then we find out, like, oh, we both want the same thing, and now we've talked about it and we both know that, but it's it's like maybe you are both assuming something about the other person, yes, and it's not true or accurate, and so they're thinking this, and then you're thinking that, and nothing's ever getting nothing's happening really, and so I I could see how it could be that situation. It's a little bit more far-fetched to believe that someone does support you in something, but just doesn't do anything, like, or say anything about it, and then they're like, Oh, I didn't know you cared. Like, I guess also like talk about it now and this and that. It's like, really?
SPEAKER_01Like, yeah, that that's probably kind of unlikely.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I I agree, that's a little more far-fetched.
SPEAKER_00Like, at best, they're indifferent. Yeah, they're not gonna be super supportive and then just not say anything or do anything because they don't think you need that or whatever.
SPEAKER_01That's just because that's that signifies probably other issues like how how compatible are you on a personal level, you know. But yeah. Uh but no.
SPEAKER_00Here's the here's I'm gonna call bullshit on this too. Someone who says, Oh no, yeah, I totally support my my spouse or my partner in XYZ, but they don't ever say anything or do anything or uh or ask, or I'm calling bullshit on that. No, you don't. No, you don't. If you're too lazy to say something, ask something, yeah, uh be curious. It's a lie.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because the anything else that you're really interested in, you're curious about, you're asking questions, you can't wait to hear about XYZ. If you never do that, but in the same breath you say, Oh, I totally support that. Yeah, I'm way into them doing that. I I hope that bullshit.
SPEAKER_01So the in my recent self-study about secure base, I've stumbled across another concept called performance base. And that's what that would fall into. It's like, oh yeah, I'm totally, and and then they change their behavior for a minute. They're performing to try and keep that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and like I'm gonna get back to that's not sincere.
SPEAKER_01No, it's not sincere and it's not sustainable, and it will fall apart eventually, you know. But and behind that, if you're five by that, then it's like, oh well, I don't want to lose this, so I'm gonna I'm gonna do what you want me to do for now. But you know, but they can't sustain it, so it's not secure based.
SPEAKER_00Like I said, I I learned the hard way that sincerity is extremely important in to me in relationships. You can't you can't fake stuff. It doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel real, and it's just going to cause resentment, it's going to actually create these relationships where we feel lonely in our relationship while we're in the relationship. We are lonely because we're we're longing for the things that we need and we're not getting it, even though the person is right there.
SPEAKER_01Right, right, exactly. And I think this is a good this is a good segue to question too on the secure base test. Is it and that is am I becoming more authentic? Am I able to be the authentic me? Or are you hiding that? Are you do you feel like you have to be more of something something else? People pleasing, basically.
SPEAKER_00I feel like I was have uh more or less been very authentic in my life. It's a matter of am I willing to show that to that particular person?
SPEAKER_01That's a good thing.
SPEAKER_00That's been my my thing in my life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And and that people might say, Well, that's not authentic then, you know, kind of thing. But it's like I've been stingy with who I allow.
SPEAKER_01Because you don't have safe hay then.
SPEAKER_00Right, exactly. Because I'm because I'm not safe. So I'm I'm not gonna get excited with my ex about this one thing that I'm really into that I'm working on that, you know, which is authentic to me, but I'm just going to be by myself in that thing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, I'm not gonna share that with them or whatever, and then so I feel like but I didn't change who I was. Being inauthentic is not being who you are, or not developing into who you really are as a person.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00I feel that I did that, I just didn't show. I just didn't show up, I didn't show that to a certain someone.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and so I how secure could you be in that situation? You just can't really feel secure that way.
SPEAKER_00I might have showed that to the whole rest of the world, but I didn't show it to my partner, you know, kind of thing. Right.
SPEAKER_01So and so for me, I have been either conditioned myself or been conditioned by my environment to be, like I've said before, a people pleaser in recovery. And so if I didn't feel that safety, I was rarely my authentic self. And I was rarely becoming more authentic. I was hiding that. I was I was getting in a hole in the ground and pulling a rock over the hole. You know, I was I was just changing to be whatever that other person wanted me to be.
SPEAKER_00I feel like I that was not what I was doing. I was growing in authenticity, but growing against the storm. And eventually I I had to, you know, get rid of the storm.
SPEAKER_01Well, and I think that's b that's of the two ways, that's way more healthy because it's at least you're still growing, still trying to be authentic. You might not be putting that authenticity out in front of every uh particular people. For me, it it actually kind of slowed or retarded my growth.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, you have to get yourself back. Yeah, you have to do some healing.
SPEAKER_01And in either case, you eventually leave the situation. In your situation, it might have been less of a shock. I don't know, maybe, maybe not. I think in my situations where I've done that the in the past, it's like I can't take it anymore. I gotta be my authentic me.
SPEAKER_00But you've got some catching up to do on your personal growth. Right. I I don't have that.
SPEAKER_01I'm starting to do this, these different things, and they're like, who the hell are you? You know, right. Which was unfair of me to put them through that. You know, I I I'll tell I'll own my portion of that. People pleasing never never ends well for anybody. And so but if you don't feel so I I would say catch it way before I did in those situations. If you are not becoming more authentic, you don't have secure base, you don't have safe haven, you don't have bias for communication, you don't have emotional safety and availability, all of those things. Back to the seven bridges, but catch it earlier. Don't wait till you're in the middle of a relationship and you've you've surrendered yourself and you can't be authentic, and then all of a sudden you come out fighting because you can't stand it anymore.
SPEAKER_00And then you've got to catch up to that personal growth that was you know retarded or slowed or or stunted, I guess.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And for me, if you're saying, well, yeah, I'm trying to be really authentic, the only thing really holding me back is my partner that feels like a leech and it You gotta get rid of him. Yeah. You know, and that that sucks if you're like, what is the principal thing or person or situation holding me back? Should not be your partner.
SPEAKER_01Right. Exactly. So that's they should be your biggest ally.
SPEAKER_00They should be your what's that shit that you put on grass to make it grow better. I see the commercial. Well, I see the commercials for these special bags of I don't know, like, hey, feed your grass this and Miracle Growth.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, whatever.
SPEAKER_00Like, find fertilizer. But they should be the the fertilizer for your growth.
SPEAKER_01Again, it's it's about liberation. Secure base is about liberation and not about s binding down and being held captive. So the final question on the secure base test is am I more alive in this relationship?
SPEAKER_00Ooh. I was dying in a past relationship.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I yeah, I if you feel like you know it's like watching Back to the Future and the photo, he's disappearing more and more and more from the photo until he ceasing to exist.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And then, you know, this jolt of energy and he's alive. And I'm not even aging us with that movie. If you haven't seen that, you're a loser. I'm like, you should have seen that, no matter how old you are. I don't give a fuck how old you are. Like exactly if you haven't seen Back to the Future, come on.
SPEAKER_01So the lesson there is if you feel like you're not more alive, you need to get George McFly to kiss your mom. And no, I do. But yeah, but that's the point. Same with me. I've been in those situations where I don't feel alive. I feel like I'm restricted, I feel like I'm held down, I feel like I'm not living a life at all. I feel like I'm living somebody else's life, and whatever little life I'm granted, or that's how because that's how it feels is controlled. It was con yeah, yeah. I feel captive. Again, I think that's a good summary of what we're talking about. Secure base should be about liberation and not captivity.
SPEAKER_00I had this fight for positivity because I'm a happy positive person, generally. I'll tell you what, negative negativity is Positivity is no match for negativity. I found that negativity unfortunately will wipe positivity's ass because I was so positive in my life and and I was just being dr it was just being drained. Well, it's yeah like at a abnormally Positivity is shame at an abnormal pace.
SPEAKER_01Positivity's always shamed by negative people. Always is. Yeah. And so stupid, making it just so much more intense from negativity. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I know it I swear. I've I don't know what the science is on it, but I've lived it that it's no match. And and so you can't positive your way through a lot of negativity. I think there are so many people. I just drink it every single day, and I I couldn't replenish fast enough, and and then I was so I couldn't replenish fast enough, and then the negativity was was coming into my space, I was becoming more and more miserable. I couldn't keep it up.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_00Once that started happening, I'm like, nope, this isn't me. I'm not negative, I'm not miserable, I'm not unhappy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And I had to, I I had to cut that off, you know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think there are so many people who are prone to wallowing in their negativity, even if they're not always negative, they our glasses half empty type people. And there are just so many more of them. That's what I've noticed. Because positivity, I mean we talk about strength finder, positivity is my top five, it has been forever. It's always comes in at number three, no matter how many times I take that assessment. It's always my number three strength. And I'm telling you, I feel what you're saying. It's like there are times when I just gotta get out of a room because the the the negativity is just it's drowning me. Yeah. You know, and so and so sometimes that it's a real lonely feeling to be a positive person. And we're not talking pot toxic positivity, we're just talking about positive outlook on life, and there are so many people who wallow in their negativity that it feels like a real slog, yeah, uphill in in sludge, yep, swimming against shoes. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and so if you're battling that I understand in calling shit what it is, I do. You know? I I don't I I'm not Pollyanna trying to find the the good in a real shit situation. That's not me either. Right. You know, we're not talking about toxic positivity. We're just talking about a a general positive demeanor and outlook on life. That doesn't mean, you know, that you don't call shit what it is, but but there's also toxic negativity. People who can never find anything to be positive about, though, or you know, that's a problem.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that is the toxic negativity.
SPEAKER_00You're right. Where everything's wrong.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna complain about everything, and I don't like anything, and I So again, just because we went through those questions and then really elaborated on them. So just to summarize, the test of secure base is these three questions. Am I growing? Am I becoming more authentic? And am I more alive because of this relationship?
SPEAKER_00In this podcast, we often use the terms women and men when discussing relationships and sexual dynamics. However, we want to acknowledge that not all women have vulvas and not all vulva owners identify as women. Similarly, not all men have penises, and not all penis owners identify as men. Our podcast welcomes individuals and couples of all orientations and identities. We aim for inclusivity, but fully acknowledge that our attempts will never be perfect. We are learning and adopting new language as humankind and our world evolves.
SPEAKER_01Hey, just a heads up.