How Misaligned Habits Affect Your Wellness with Courtney Townley

This week I'm joined by Courtney Townley, a health and self-leadership coach and author of The Consistency Code. We get into integrity pain, that nagging discomfort when your daily choices don't match what you actually want for your life, why willpower isn't the fix, and the four practices behind her Consistency Code: awareness, organization, follow through, and realignment.

If you've ever set a goal, fallen off, and then beaten yourself up about it, this one's for you. Falling out of alignment is a given. How fast you get back is what actually matters.

Resources mentioned:

• Website: https://graceandgrit.com/
• Grace & Grit Podcast: https://graceandgrit.com/podcast/
• The Consistency Code: https://amzn.to/3QrwdDz
• Connect with Courtney on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/gracegrit/

Need a little more balance and a lot more badass in your life? Check out my 1:1 coaching sessions designed to help you tackle your biggest challenges, manage stress, and create a personalized plan for success. Your first 30-minute session is free! Visit tarakermiet.com to get started. 

Want to turn your dreams into reality? Check out my 7 Days to Crushing Your Goals mini-course! This course is packed with practical lessons and hands-on activities designed to help you define your “why,” leverage your strengths, and take decisive action. By the end, you'll have a clear plan and the tools you need to crush your goals. Visit tarakermiet.com/crushyourgoals to join the course and start making things happen! 

Transcript

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Tara: [00:00:00] Welcome back friend. Today I have another great guest joining us on the Balanced Badass Podcast. I am so excited for this conversation. Courtney has been helping women worldwide just take better care of themselves with more consistency and ease for the past 20 years. So she's. Got some experience under her belt, which is awesome.

She helps women mend their relationship with themselves so that they can achieve deep health and live with more power, purpose, and impact. And I love that so much. That aligns with a lot of the work that I do, um, and a lot of what I share with you as the listener. So she's also. Hostess of the highly rated podcast, grace and Grit.

So I'm really excited to have another podcast host here and author of the recently launched the Consistency Code. So she's here today to share with us her insights on health and consistency. And as you all know, I talk about how we restoring your baseline wellbeing is kind of your first [00:01:00] line of defense and burnout recovery.

So I know this is gonna be a good one. Welcome to the show, Courtney.

Courtney Townley: Thanks so much for having me

Tara: Yeah, very excited to have you. So we are gonna kick off. I always kick off all of my guest episodes with this question, and that is what's something that you're loving in your life right now?

Courtney Townley: I think there's a lot of things like I am a lover of life I would definitely say that So there's a lot of things but I was sharing with you before we hit record that I do have a new puppy Um and she is you know there's something about like A child's energy or puppy energy where yes it's wild and chaotic and messy and so frustrating at times And it's also really inspiring and goofy and it just brings a lightheartedness to your life sometimes that you didn't realize you were missing Um and that's where we're at right now We are just totally deep in the throes of puppy land

Tara: I love that. I love that so much as I'm sitting here with my senior dog snoring in. [00:02:00] So, yeah. Um, but we also, you know, as I was sharing with you earlier, we also have a, a fairly, I, I call him, he's in his teenager,

Courtney Townley: Oh yeah

Tara: you know, pre-teen ages, uh, stage of life where he's just the annoying little brother. Um, and that's not, that's our dog, just so in case anyone gets confused.

Um, but yeah, so I totally get the energy and, and the fun, the exhaustion, but also the. You know, fun times that it causes and, and to be able to have that youthful energy around is really nice for us too.

Courtney Townley: Yeah and I think it's such a good reminder too of like the double side of everything right Because so much of what is so rewarding and um fulfilling in life is also really hard You know

Tara: Right.

Courtney Townley: kids careers like there's always this really this pull that brings you into it And then there's that irritation and frustration and obstacles and all the things that show up within it [00:03:00] because that's just the way it rolls

Tara: Yeah. Yeah. Such a good point. Wow. Way to start off the episode, I'll tell you. No, that's great. so Courtney, for anyone who's just meeting you, so you're a health coach, you're a podcaster, you're an author. Your approach is really different from what most people think of as wellness, based on just me reading the book and kind of just understanding what you do.

So how do you describe what you actually do to like a complete stranger?

Courtney Townley: Yeah so it's interesting right because I know culture at large loves titles We love tiny little boxes We can shove things in so we can understand things better And so with my Title That's always been really challenging because I've been a lot of things I've been the personal trainer I've been a nutrition coach I've been a fat loss coach I've been a life coach Um and I just arrived in this place in my career where I I kind of feel like I defy labels I think most people do Um but the best [00:04:00] way I can probably make sense of it with a title would be a health and self-leadership coach because I do believe that health Is an exercise in learning how to lead yourself powerfully It is not an exercise in following but man is that what we've been sold right That someone always knows better than we do that we just need to outsource all of our decision making around health and wellbeing I think that really just leads us to a place of self abandonment It just leads us to this place where we feel like we're doing all the right things but there's also this deep Dissatisfaction or internal friction which I call integrity pain at the end of the day the problem I solve for my clients is helping them to get out of integrity pain and integrity Pain is really that very real discomfort that shows up when you behaviors very misaligned with what you actually want for your life So you say you wanna be healthy but you're staying up until one o'clock in the morning watching Netflix Um you say that you [00:05:00] want you know this dream career but you are never working on your resume or putting out feelers or networking And so we have a lot of hiding habits in our life We have a lot of things that are pulling us away from what we actually want Um and the work that I do now is really helping my clients get to the root of that because I'm a huge believer that at the end of the day health is really about stress management It And if you don't learn how to offload things that are unnecessarily stressing you also lean into certain stressors on purpose you're probably never gonna be a very healthier happy human

Tara: Yeah. Well, and you know what you were talking about with that integrity pain, that's a lot of conversations that I have with folks about like the choices that you're making sometimes are fueling, you know, specifically my lens with burnout. They may not be the sole [00:06:00] source or driver of, of where your burnout's coming from.

'cause typically there's some workplace conditions or culture that are tying into that. But you're making choices that may not be helping that situation and and we have very similar conversation of like, what do you want? And are your choices in alignment with kind of that identity? Are you making choices that are in alignment with somebody who has.

A more balanced approach to work. Whether you believe in work-life balance is a different story, but like, do you have a more balanced approach? Are you someone, you say you want boundaries, but are you actually setting those boundaries? Like those kind of things. And I love this concept too, of like the hidden habits that are contributing to a lot of this.

And it's so much, so much of this has to do with your health and

Courtney Townley: Yeah

Tara: you know, we see this.

Courtney Townley: Sorry

Tara: go ahead.

Courtney Townley: Yeah I was just gonna say I love how you started the interview too Just talk talking about [00:07:00] that base level health right or that

Tara: Mm-hmm.

Courtney Townley: base level foundation that if you don't have it makes the real work of your life so incredibly hard and and to me that's what health is It's not really the point of our life Like some people just get so obsessive about their health and it like takes up all their time and energy I am not that person I don't want my clients to be those people I want their health to serve the greater purpose They're here to contribute to whatever that is And so I always say health just gets you to base camp It doesn't actually get you to the summit of your life right That's other work But it really helps you get to base camp and get acclimated so you have the resources and the resilience to make that climb

Tara: Yeah. Yeah. We're so aligned on that because I'm always like, this is like the, the foundation of what you need. And I'm always like, we go back to basics. I'm not worried about you meeting a certain protein goal or whatever. Like I just want. Folks to be able to function as humans so that their brains can function [00:08:00] the way that they're meant to function versus just this like fight or flight survival mode where it shuts down and only focuses on the protection piece.

So

Courtney Townley: Yeah

Tara: yeah, we're definitely.

Courtney Townley: important for people to understand I I run an online community and last night where I did a workshop on parenting the brain and even though I know that the large majority of women in this community have heard this a million times you know there is that saying that we have to hear something like seven times before it really lands And I think what a lot of people don't understand is that even though you may may really grasp onto this concept that of course mindset work is important right And and managing your emotions is important But theory alone isn't gonna change it and you cannot access the part of your brain that is gonna help you to do that work which is of course your prefrontal cortex your executive center when you are constantly living in a state of escalating stress Because what does stress do Ultimately it shuts down the executive center [00:09:00] And so if you are living in a place of just putting more on your plate all the time and never actually cleaning house Uh meaning getting stuff off your plate that doesn't belong there um you're never really gonna be able to do the deeper work of health which I believe is really thought management the emotional agility the regulating your nervous system because you're not in a place where your your physiology can actually do that work And and that's a bummer because it changes everything If you can get there

Tara: Yeah. Yeah. It's like once you get to that point, like a, a switch flips really. But the work to get there is not always easy either.

Courtney Townley: Oh definitely I always say it's always the things I teach are so simple and so

Tara: Yeah.

Courtney Townley: but they're definitely not easy right Simple is not necessarily easy and especially I think for a lot of high achievers because they've spent their whole life proving how much they can do And so a lot of my clientele very high achievers uh business owners you know and and people who've really kind of [00:10:00] climbed the ladder of their career and that's well and good but man their unnecessary stress Is not knowing how to be quiet not knowing how to be still not knowing how to pollinate play and curiosity into their life cause they have no time for it And so to me that's a nutrient deficiency Like that's a great place for us to focus our work I always say the things that you resist the most are probably the things that are gonna change you the most

So with people who can't sit still let's take a look at that Why is that uncomfortable for you And the only reason it's uncomfortable for you is because you don't have a practice of doing it And there's lots of reasons why And you know sometimes you need to understand those reasons and sometimes you don't really just a practice And so what are the things that you're always doing in your day And if you aren't feeling fulfilled what might be the opposite of that And why aren't you doing that work

Tara: Well, you know, as I was reading your book too, there was one line that really jumped out at me pretty [00:11:00] much immediately and it was, I'm gonna read it 'cause I wanna get it right. So I started to see more and more clearly. That it wasn't so much the weight of the body that influenced the health of a human as it was the weight of their life.

And I was like, well, and I even just as I read that, got little goosebumps, but I think a lot of our listeners can also recognize themselves in that line. So I want, I, I'd love for you to just kind of walk us through that realization and, and what shift that really made for you.

Courtney Townley: Yeah so there was about a decade of my career where I was very very heavily in the trenches of fat loss helped a lot of people around the world lose a lot of weight was very successful at it Um and Also arrived in this place in my career where I was like okay hang on a second These people are spending 12 to 18 months doing a lot of work to change their physiology to reshape their bodies all the things and then they're going [00:12:00] back down the slippery slope to where they started What the heck's that about Right And also when you work with someone for a year 18 months two years you get to know em pretty darn well and so I was hearing a lot of Um struggles that people were facing that had nothing to do with their physiology right So their their stress bucket was very full But exercise and diet conversations alone were never going to touch those kinds of stressors I And so it was kind of that that two part realization recognizing that okay obviously I'm missing some tools as a coach because my clients aren't able to sustain their results Those missing things are the things I just talked about I never talked about the nervous system I didn't have any tools for parenting the brain or expanding emotional capacity that was a problem the other thing is I was feeding misbelief in my clients that their body was the problem [00:13:00] They were using their body as the scapegoat because the real problems of their life felt so hard so challenging so scary so insurmountable so much easier to hyperfocus If I just lose those last five or 10 pounds if I just lose 30 pounds my my relationship with my husband will be better I'll like my career more Now I'm not saying that when you physically feel better you do tend to do life better That is absolutely true Um but we can't ignore that Health is very multidimensional so in the wellness culture they we they love to focus on I say they because I kind of feel outside of it sometimes but we love to focus in the wellness culture on health being a very physical pursuit about how you look It's about the data that you get from your doctor's office It's about your athletic ability right It's very much about physicality but that is not true because so much affects your physicality So health is way more than physical Health is mental emotional [00:14:00] relational So you're in relationship with everything in the world around you What is the quality of those relationships it's also environmental We're influenced by our environment And we're also influenced by our sense of purpose So if we aren't talking about all those dimensions of health are we really creating deep health for a client Of course not but that is what I was doing before I was kind of focusing on the superficial health conversation which is was it's all about physiology It's all about your physicality But when I really started to understand how stress influences your physiology And all the things that were actually stressing my clients out I started to see it as obviously so much bigger and that I was kind of um I was selling them almost a false bill of goods because I was only selling them this tiny tiny piece of the conversation mainly because I just was uneducated and I just didn't understand it well enough to do that work Thus you know here we are like 15 years later where I'm having [00:15:00] very different conversations Um and and here's the thing I want listeners to hear may be true that you would be healthier if you lost weight right Like weight loss is not itself a terrible pursuit but the reasons for pursuing it are everything Do you think you're gonna be more lovable Is it because you want to dive into something that will help you to avoid all these other problems in your life Like what is the weight loss really about for you And can you parent yourself in a way to go about it you can sustain it nobody wants to keep losing the same amount of weight over and over again the rest of their life That sucks So yeah that's that's kind of where I'm at with that

Tara: Yeah, I like the, the like getting to the root of like, what's the motive behind it? Uh, because you're right. Like you can keep pursuing this [00:16:00] superficial goal. And I say superficial because if you haven't identified right what the root cause is, then it's maybe not superficial, arbitrary goal essentially.

And then. You pursue it, you get to that point, and if it doesn't actually address what the root cause or, or, you know, system level thing that you were trying to address, then yeah, you're either gonna revert back to old habits or whatever, or the goalpost just keeps moving, right? And so you, you never get to where you need to go.

Courtney Townley: Yeah and you understand that like your behavior is always going to be congruent with your self-image And so I was never doing self-image work right We weren't I wasn't cha I wasn't working on the core beliefs my clients had about themselves or their lives or their possibility and ultimately that was a flaw in my coaching because what I now understand on so many [00:17:00] years on the other side of this career is that yeah, the way that you see yourself talk about yourself The way that you believe in yourself or not is going to influence every decision that you make about food about exercise about stress Um and so I do now of course a huge tenant of my work is doing a lot of self-image work with my clients Like who do you what is your most fully expressed self What would she look like Right What would she feel like How would she move through her day Because that version of you already exists It's just that she's kind of being suffocated by another version that you also have which is yes I know she's in there but this part of me I call her the mean girl tends to dominate And when the mean girl's dominating we're showing up with a lot of integrity pain because our actions are not at all in alignment with that really exquisite fully expressed self [00:18:00] And so that's where I wanna get clients to at least tapping into that and seeing that and aspiring to that because they show up really different when they're connected with that version of themselves

Tara: Yeah. Yeah, I do. Very similar work with. Talking about like convictions and like where, how those drive the choices that you're making and often the capacity that you have, but also just being aware of where do these stem from? Like understanding is it part of your upbringing? Is it, you know, past workplace trauma that you're bringing along with you?

Is it just a part of your kind of personality? Traits and those kind of things to be able to identify them, not to qualify those convictions as good or bad, but more as that awareness piece and understanding, so that way we can interpret decisions and choices that you've made in the past and are making now with that lens in mind.

And I think that that's [00:19:00] sounds like what you're doing. It also, you know, in your consistency code, right? That first. Practice of work is awareness, but then from there you move into organization and follow through and then, you know, ultimately realignment. And I wanna dig into that some because I really enjoyed just your thought process on that and like how those practices, phases, whatever you wanna call them, align and fit together.

So can you kind of give us. Quick overview how these kind of work together. Um, and specifically, you know, we've talked about alignment a lot and, and I'd love for you to highlight like why realignment is really that most important piece that people are missing. Yeah.

Courtney Townley: Yeah Um so the the consistency code is first of all I'll tell you where it came from because I think it's kind of an interesting story Um it was probably about 12 years ago I My whole business had moved [00:20:00] into the online space I'd been brick and mortar prior Prior to that And obviously and you know this like when you move into online space it's just like moving to a foreign country Like nothing made sense I didn't know what I was doing I knew I was good at my craft but I wasn't so good at the business side and the tech side So of course I had to hire coaches and people who could help me I was working with a business coach at the time and I was really expressing to her my frustration all of these sales strategists and people who were trying to help me with my business were also encouraging me to really target the very thing I was trying to get away from They wanted me to talk about weight loss because it sells because it's sexy because it can draw people in They wanted me to post more things of me working out because that's what got a lot of traction But I didn't wanna sell my physiology I didn't wanna sell what I do And making someone believe that that's what would work for them So I was very much like against what was happening but I didn't know how to package it in a way that would sell So my coach said to me okay Courtney if you could only teach a woman four [00:21:00] things about health and wellness uh what would you want her to know And so I went away for the weekend and I really kind of just processed okay what am I constantly teaching What are the four buckets of practices that I'm always Getting into with my clients and that's where the consistency code came from So the four buckets are the practice of awareness the practice of organization the practice of follow through and the practice of realignment Now awareness it's again simple Sounds simple All I have to do is be aware But man the things that we have to be aware of that we really that are really gonna change us in a profound way are that's not a feel good exercise There's a lot of reasons we avoid that work awareness of course could be what is your self-image right now we do that work versus where do you want it to be Um but it's also I think more granular than that It is how are you showing up in your day Like where are you spending your time What are the quality of your thoughts you know how do you [00:22:00] basically how do you conduct yourself as a human And when we start doing that exposure work cause that's really what it is it's exposing the truth of our lives We look around and we're like Dang it Like I don't really like that Like this feels crappy because it's not it's out of alignment with how I wanna be showing up but it's kind of like I always use the analogy of my kid he's 16 now but we're still dealing with the same challenges that sometimes I go in his room Right And it can be really messy he'll quickly like shove things under the bed or in the closet in the drawers but he's not really cleaning He's just hiding And so I think that we tend to do that a lot As humans we we just shove things under the rug We just tell ourselves we'll address it down the road But 10 20 30 years go by and we've never addressed the mess And then of course that creates bigger problems So awareness is really that exposure work asking yourself some really great questions And I my book is full of really great questions At the

Tara: Mm-hmm.

Courtney Townley: I give the [00:23:00] reader a lot of great questions to ask um herself but with that awareness awareness of course isn't gonna change your life It's what you do with the awareness

Tara: Right.

Courtney Townley: what happens a lot with awareness is it's overwhelming because when we start peeling back all of the integrity pain of our life we kind of see it everywhere right We see lots of opportunity To get ourselves out of integrity pain but we can't do all that work at once It's kind of like your house being a disaster and expecting yourself to just snap your fingers like Mary Poppins and have it all cleaned up in an instant That would be lovely Who would not want that superpower But that's not how it rolls right That's not how it works We have to decide we're going to start What room are you going to start in Is it going to be with exercise Is it going to be with your career Is it going to be with your relationship What room do you want to start Deloading some stress in Now it's not even just the room we also have to decide where in the room [00:24:00] if I'm gonna start with my kitchen Again I gotta pick a place to start Maybe it's the kitchen sink Maybe it's picking things up off the kitchen table so if you want to start deloading some stress in relationships what relationship how might we do that And I I specifically say this because uh a lot of clients will say to me well I don't know That's why I hired you I don't right I don't know I don't know how to deload stress And I always have the same response I am not co-signing on that belief That is a hiding habit You do know you do know at least one probably 10 little things that you could do to move the needle in this area and saying that you don't know is a very convenient way to just not do anything Right So I poke and I prod and I really want my client to start accessing her own knowing because that's a big part of the work that I do is getting clients to insource Not just outsource So once [00:25:00] she starts insourcing and we we've kind of considered some I possible starting places to deload some stress We just pick a place And here's the thing there's no right place There's no perfect place It's just picking something Because if you think of your stress load like it's in a bucket and your stress load is really heavy you've got a lot in your bucket It doesn't matter what you remove from the bucket it re matters It matters that you start removing from the bucket That's it So I think that's a very refreshing truth for my clients because they have always been sold this idea well I have to start with diet and exercise and oh my gosh we've been beating that drum for so long and look at the state of human health Like come on No we don't have to start with diet and exercise We could start with anything That makes you feel a little bit lighter Or we could start with something that puts more life into your life Right Because I think and you probably talked about this a lot with burnout Burnout doesn't just come from doing too much It comes from not doing enough of the things that actually bring us alive right So we could start with either [00:26:00] one of those choices so we start organizing them around this one thing they've chosen to focus on Then this is where I do the majority of my coaching the practice of follow through you can have the best intentions in the world You can have the beautiful planner and the color coded markers and the sticky notes that go with that plan But if you don't follow through the promises you make to yourself number one nothing changes two you just continue to erode your own self trust So practice of follow through is really everything How do we follow through on the promises we've made to ourselves And that really boils down It boils down to a lot of things but I would say two of the primary things are the way that you're talking to yourself about the work Are you talking yourself into it or out of it Which most people I would argue or talking themselves out of it Um and do you have the capacity to feel hard things Because if you don't you will never change [00:27:00] because change is hard Change is uncomfortable change is frustrating Change is sometimes disappointing And if you cannot be in the arena with those emotions going to retreat back to your little comfy corner of staying exactly as you are And so we start expanding emotional capacity we start expanding I give my clients a lot of tools to start parenting their brains Um and then inevitably what happens you'd probably see this in your own clients they're doing really well for a while They're making progress they're celebrating wins It's all beautiful and glorious then something happens right Like I call em the curve balls They get sick um, they lose their job they have to have a surgery kid is having trouble in school like oh my gosh like life loves to present challenges So there is shortage of opportunities to experience curve balls and sometimes you'll get 10 curve balls in a day You have the best laid plans and all you get are curve balls [00:28:00] So I think that one of the ultimate skills someone needs to learn in order to improve health is how quickly can you realign Because people who are successful in life it is so not true that they don't get misaligned Of course they do they are much quicker at getting realigned They refuse to stay misaligned for weeks months or years Um and I I the analogy that I love for this is um a campfire I live in Montana so we do lots of campfires Building a campfire is a lot of work right And so is behavior change With a campfire you've gotta go collect the wood You've gotta build the ring so the fire doesn't get out of the ring You've gotta have the right wind conditions You gotta make sure the wood is dry you know on and on it goes You put all that effort into building a fire once it's lit and raging you start to see the flame go down what do you do All you have to do is chuck in a log That's it So easy The same is true of behavior change if you catch your [00:29:00] misalignments quicker It's easy to realign because we build what I call anchors anchor habits that help us to pivot back really quickly And so you know maybe you didn't sleep well last night You skipped your workout and you ate like a jerk today Okay so what Now what That's always the phrase that I use So what now What the next day we are going to obviously make sure that we put your put you to bed at a reasonable time and we kind of set up the conditions to help you get a good night's sleep Um and we're just gonna Pivot back to the things that we know work for us rather than writing this Oscar winning script about what a horrible person you are how you'll never get healthy And you know it just makes you wanna hide under the covers and eat a bag of chips right So misalignment is a certainty Realignment is not so what happens when we're in a space of misalignment Well we just circle back to the start of the consistency code which is the practice of awareness What's going on here What do I need help Where do I need help Where do I need to adjust my expectations Do I need to ask for help Do I need to get something off my [00:30:00] plate Right And just so the consistency code is a circle because the work is never done as long as you have breath in your lungs It is a forever task It is forever a a forever framework that no matter like what diet dogma you buy into or what exercise programs you do this framework will always be relevant because it's not about the minutiae It is about The self-leadership skills that nobody really ever taught us We've always been taught you said this beautifully earlier it's we tend to focus on the what right What am I eating What am I doing for exercise What time should I go to bed Like that's the information we love hearing but the depth of health the real work of health is really about the why Why are you going to bed late Is it because your best friend flew into town you haven't seen in 10 years That's an awesome reason But if you're going to bed late because you're watching your 10th episode of your favorite Netflix show for the you know 20th night in a row you might not like your reason That's [00:31:00] probably gonna cause some integrity pain it's not the what It's the why And the question I my clients probably roll their eyes when they hear me say this cause I ask it so much But they'll they'll present you know whatever the rumble is the thing that they're struggling with And I'll say do you like your reasons I'm not gonna judge you I don't know like did you eat a salad for lunch because you really were craving vegetables and it's just what looked really awesome and felt like it was gonna really serve your body Or did you eat a salad for lunch because you think you're a worthless human unless you lose 20 pounds Uh let's just get into the why know and you keep poking at questions like that People are like oh I didn't have to eat a salad for lunch I could have made a ne a different healthier a healthy choice that maybe aligned with where I truly was Um and no I didn't like my reasons So what would I do differently in the future And it's it's unsexy it's slow it's just [00:32:00] profound like when people really start asking themselves the right questions and they have the right skills to navigate life

Tara: Mm-hmm.

Courtney Townley: sadly I know we all wish it was a once in a lifetime transformation cause that's what we chase Like just give me the once in a lifetime transformation I always tell my clients no I will give you a skill a box of skill sets that will help you to navigate a life of transformation But that's what life is It is ongoing transformation You're always adjusting and recalibrating and so what tools do you have to do that with grace and ease And I have found that a lot of women have none So that's that's why I'm so passionate about what I teach is just to help give them those skills that we never learned along our lifeline

Tara: Yeah, I love the, the organization piece specifically as it ties to that follow through, because whenever I'm working with folks, you know, we'll come up with strategies and, and like you said, like I, [00:33:00] I call it like, let's put tools in your tool belts so you know what to pick and choose when you need to. Um.

But whenever we start that work, it's always planning for the perfect situation plan. They're like the ideal situation. If everything, you know, s. Context-wise was working and I had all the energy in the world. This is my tool. I'm like, that's not gonna work. Um, we need to plan for actually when you're at rock bottom, because if you can execute at rock bottom, then you can excel when the conditions are prime.

So we actually need to think about and dig into, like you were saying, the awareness piece of the, the not so sexy, ugly work. Of like, what is your rock bottom and how do we plan for something that'll work then because if you can climb out of that with those tools, you'll gain more confidence. You'll add more tools to your [00:34:00] tool belt that you can ideally at some point get to that prime situation.

Understanding that that is not a consistent permanent state, that it will fluctuate and change as you go.

Courtney Townley: There's a quote I don't know who said it but I use it all the time cause I think it's so brilliant and it says that life is one long series of problem solving And the sooner

Tara: yeah.

Courtney Townley: that truth the less you will suffer Because how many people are trying to they're leaning into work to change their life thinking if I just do this I will forever I'll arrive in this utopia of rainbows and unicorns where I will never have to do this work again that place is not coming like right That's just not the way life rolls You know that on a fundamental level but let's just like call it for what it is Like life is going to always present you with challenges and problems forever more How you show up within those problems and challenges is really everything your point um [00:35:00] about rock bottom um two things that may be useful to the listener um that just kind of sparked uh when you were when you were talking is that Um I always challenge a client when because at the end of a call I always ask her what are commit what's she committing to between now and the next time we talk Like what is the work you're leaning into What is the work you're choosing And of course often what they say is way too ambitious right It's just too big And so I'll say okay tell me the bare minimum that you're

Tara: Mm-hmm.

Courtney Townley: this thing Gimme the bare minimum And you know she kinda looks at me like but I'm capable of so much more And I'm like I know you are Like you're a smart capable cookie but let's just give you bare minimum So if you do more it just feels like an extra win Like oh my God look at me I said I was gonna work out for 20 minutes and I did 30 you know or I did an hour That's great And the other thing is when a client commits to something Um whatever it is I'm gonna have this you know challenging conversation I've been avoiding with my [00:36:00] husband Amazing When are you gonna do it They tell me They tell me all you know what the how they're gonna approach it all the things And at the end I will say now tell me why you're not gonna do it Because so often we don't consider we're not gonna do it but if we can consider what might the obstacles be then I can premeditate the solutions If I find myself resisting or feeling like oh now's not a good time What would I do in that situation And lo and behold you have answers you know And so I think that's really important work It's not just about committing is the commitment within your window of tolerance right Within your capacity And expect that you're not gonna wanna follow through because you've been not following through for how long I mean that's why you hired me

Tara: That's your mo.

Courtney Townley: Right So I think those two things can really make a big difference for people

Tara: Yeah. Yeah. I, I talk a lot about minimum viable changes. Like I, I do a design thinking approach in my [00:37:00] coaching, so. Every time I'm like, okay, let's, what are some experiments that we can try? But very minimally, like, we gotta break these down into the bare minimum, like you said. And, and I love that too. I, I see this very helpful with my clients and I, I'm sure with yours, is when you do create that minimum change, and like you said, if you go above and beyond that.

That keeps the momentum going. Whereas if you have this bigger goal that inevitably will be harder to reach for whatever reason, because of the obstacles that will come your way, then it's easy to continue to repeat the cycle of not doing anything, not taking any action. Um, you know, a lot of. Learn helplessness kind of comes from this piece.

So if you can have [00:38:00] that small piece to get the momentum, I always say like, let's take messy action. I don't care if it's perfect, I just want you to move in a direction. I want you to choose a direction and move it towards that direction. You can always change your mind, but we need to make some progress towards that because you're stuck in what you're currently at and that's not serving you in any way, shape, or form either.

Courtney Townley: Yeah you'll learn or you'll grow right When you make a commitment to something you'll learn or you'll grow But if you never commit or you never choose a direction you can't do either one of those things You can't learn and you can't grow So E even if even if you move in the opposite direction of where you intended to go that's Intel You've learned something know it's not

Tara: Everything's data.

Courtney Townley: Everything's data It is

Tara: Yep. Well, Courtney, this has been great. Um, but I wanna be cognizant of time and I wanna get to my last question, and that is that this podcast, as you know, is all about balanced living with badass results. And I love to ask all of my guests this question, how [00:39:00] do you define being a balanced badass in your own life?

Courtney Townley: Yeah it's a great question And I would say for me of course it's gonna come back to Grace and Grit Um the reason I named my company Grace and Grit is because I have seen women use grace to the point of stagnation So they use grace to code to code over excuses right

Tara: Mm-hmm.

Courtney Townley: the term grace to rationalize not doing the work then I have seen women use grit to the point of self-destruction Right like this is what leads to burnout and you know a lot of um a lot of problems And so to me that balanced badass is the sweet spot Somewhere in the center We need both We need grace We need to be kind to ourselves befriend ourselves be curious about ourselves date ourselves But we also are being called into work To improve ourselves right There's the quote I don't know who I think it was Sophia Bush who said um you can be a masterpiece and a work in progress [00:40:00] simultaneously And to me that's what Grace and GR is Grace is you are a masterpiece You are worthy you are amazing You are um such a gift to this world And there's some work that you could do to Make your time here more impactful for you and for the people around you And so what is that work There's no shame in it cause you know what we've all been assigned it We all have different curriculum but we've all been assigned the work leaning into developing parts of ourselves that have been a little malnourished or were just never really developed And so a very human thing And yeah so that's what I would say is the sweet spot is somewhere in the center of grace and grit To me that's what a balanced badass is

Tara: Love that. Well, as we wrap up, I am. Just so thankful for sh you [00:41:00] sharing your expertise with us for you coming on the show. I know that my listeners probably got tons of good information. I did for sure. And my guess is that folks are gonna wanna stay connected with you. So how can folks follow your work, uh, connect with you outside of this episode?

Courtney Townley: The best place is really my website grace and grit.com Um you can find all the all the things and resources that I offer there Um they can find the podcast they can find the book like all the all the things all the goodness is on that site

Tara: Awesome. Well, I will be sure to link that in the show notes as well. And once again, thank you so much Courtney. I really appreciate you being here.

Courtney Townley: for having me I really appreciate it

Tara: Yeah, absolutely. And for folks listening, you know the drill. If you got something from this episode, we would love it if you would share it with a friend, share it on social media, do whatever you need to do, like follow all that jazz.

Um, but otherwise, I just hope that [00:42:00] you will take care of yourself this week and make good choices, friend. We'll see you next time.