Stop Shrinking Yourself! | How To Stop Playing Small and Show Up for Yourself

Stop playing small! You know who you are!

You don't need to be palatable, you just need practice on your presence.

Today we're talking about why we shrink ourselves in situations and how to STOP doing it. Showing up for yourself is the first step to be more ourselves and who we WANT to be. So today, we're committing to taking up space.

For more Over Everything, follow us @wereovereverything or @valeriecurrie.

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

Hey everyone! Welcome back to Over Everything, the show where we help you rise above expectations and create a life that actually fits you, not the version of you the world thinks you should be. Shrinking, playing small, dimming your personality just to make other people more comfortable. I've done it and I realize I do this, and God, I hate doing it, so why do I still do it? I'm over it. Today we're unpacking why we do this, where it starts, what it cost us, and more importantly, how to take your space back without feeling guilty or like you're too much. So let me paint a picture. Maybe this will feel familiar. You're in a meeting at work. Someone asks a question and you know the answer. You know you know the answer. But something inside goes, wait, is this the right moment? Does this sound smart? Will I come off too confident, too much, too little? Will I sound stupid? Oh god, what if I sound like I wasn't paying attention? So you stay quiet. And then someone else says the same exact thing you were thinking, and suddenly, oh wow, everyone's impressed. And you're sitting there like, okay, cool. Or maybe it happened on a date. You're talking about your job, your goals, your ambitions, your achievements. And the second you sense he might be a little bit intimidated, you tone everything down. You soften, you make yourself smaller, quieter. Or perhaps you walk into a social setting and immediately turn your personality down to a polite four out of ten, because you don't want to be the one with too much energy. We shrink because we think making us small makes us liked. We shrink because we think being agreeable makes things easier. And because somewhere along the way we learn that this big, bold, visible us is risky. But here's the thing: shrinking does not protect you, it disconnects you from yourself and who you are meant to be. So let's talk about where this starts. Because this behavior does not come out of nowhere. For a lot of us, it begins in childhood. You hear things like don't be loud, don't make a scene, be polite, be agreeable. You learn early on that being the easy kid gets you praise, so you ingrain yourself with this belief that being small is what keeps you safe from punishment or being ostracized in class or in social circles. Then you go into school, and again you're rewarded for compliance. Sit still, don't interrupt, wait your turn. Confidence gets labeled as bossy over time, leadership gets mislabeled as attitude, which is definitely more common with women than men, I will say. Then you grow up and you go into the workplace, and you hear people say that they want women who are assertive. But when you are assertive, suddenly you're too direct or a lot or intense or bossy, as I said. And let's not forget dating, where being low maintenance is treated like a personality trait, where women are told that the best version of them is the version that asks for nothing. So, really, shrinking isn't a choice. It's conditioning, it's training, and here's the empowering part. If you've learned it, you can unlearn it. Let's be honest about the cost of shrinking. Because it's not harmless. When you play small, you become invisible in moments that actually matter. You don't get credit for the ideas that you've actually had, you miss opportunities professionally, socially, romantically, because no one really knows you. No one knows the real you. You carry that frustration and resentment because you know that you're capable of more, but no one else realizes it because they've never seen it from you. And maybe that's the hardest part. You slowly lose pieces of your own identity. You forget what you like, you forget what you want, you forget the sound of your own voice. Playing small doesn't make life easier, it just makes life smaller. And I want you to just sit here and answer this question for me. When has playing it small ever benefited you? Has it? It hasn't for me. So what does taking up space actually look like? And how do we get over minimizing ourselves? First, we need to recognize our current belief that taking up space means being loud or dominating a room, and we need to realize it doesn't. Taking up space is subtle, it's everyday, it's practical, you're a human being, a fantastic human being that people want to hear more from. You deserve to take up space. You are literally living matter. You take up space. So take up space. And taking up space looks like this. You're saying what you think without an apology at the beginning of every sentence. I know I just called out some of you with that. You're not explaining yourself or your decisions five different ways to make someone else more comfortable. I've done that in the past. Not worth it. It looks like letting your personality actually be seen, your humor, your opinions, your quirks, and you're going to actually ask what you need for in relationships instead of hoping someone magically reads your mind. It's asking questions at work when you need clarity. It's dressing how you actually want to dress. And it's saying, hmm, no, that actually doesn't work for me. Without a five-minute justification. Taking up space is not about being loud, it's about being present in your own reality. If you're looking for a read that's somewhat connected to this, lately I've been reading this book, Why Men Love Bitches. And it's putting taking up space in a romantic context, yes, but it's talking about how people actually love when you assert yourself, set boundaries, and clearly state what you want and who you are. I highly recommend it to the ladies who are struggling with shrinking themselves in relationships, not just romantic, but otherwise, it's very helpful. Otherwise, let's find some methods and habits that help you take up space, the space that you deserve. So here are some microhabits that have made a huge difference for me. I call this one the five seconds statement. Next time you want to speak up, give yourself five seconds. Literally count one, two, three, four, five. And say the thing before your brain talks you out of saying it. Do it scared, do it shaky, like Shia LaBeouf said, just do it. Secondly, stop apologizing. Oh my god, stop apologizing. Start really paying attention to your speech and catching all the little apologies that don't need to be there. This one might take a while, I still am guilty of doing it, but removing apologies from your speech can not only make you more confident inwardly, but appear more confident to others as well. For example, you can replace, sorry I'm late, with thank you for waiting. Replace, sorry, can I ask something? With, hey, I have a question. You're not being rude, you're being clear, you're being direct, and you are freely and kindly taking up space. It's going to sound silly, but put a sticky note on your mirror. Every morning or night, you'll see this message. I am allowed to take up space. Say it out loud and see it over and over and over again until you finally believe it. It works. And now that you're taking up space, I am going to warn you about this part because no one warns you about this part. When you stop shrinking, some people are not going to love it. And it's not because you're doing something wrong. It's because that old version of you, the smaller one. Yeah, that smaller one made their life easier. This goes along with people pleasing, but some people wanted you to be a doormat. Do you want to be a doormat? No. So we need to assert ourselves and set our boundaries because we're taking up space, the space that we deserve. And addressing these case-by-case scenarios, it may seem like conflict, but it's honestly recalibration. And here's how you stay grounded when it happens. You are going to pause before responding. You're going to repeat your boundary like a calm, broken record within yourself. And you are going to remind yourself why you're doing this. It's for your well-being. It's for your growth. It's for your alignment. Then you're going to calmly state your boundary, why you're no longer doing something. Maybe say it was too much work for you. Too much was on your plate, and it distracted from projects performing to their best potential. Or maybe you realized you had more to share and collaborate. Frame it as a positive thing to avoid further conflict. And if they take that sourly, well, not everyone deserves front row access to the new you. All that being said, overachievers, here is your homework for the next week. You're going to pick one setting: your work, your friendships, dating, maybe even social media. And challenge yourself to be 10% more yourself. Not 100%, just 10. Hell, maybe even 1%. Baby steps are huge. And I want you to identify one area where you have been shrinking. Is it your voice? Your goals? Your appearance? Your feelings? Where have you been shrinking? At home? In your relationship? Friendships? Family? At work? Class? Then we're going to take one small action that affirms your presence. One in class or in meeting contribution. One conversation about boundaries. One extra step in your makeup routine because you wanted to express yourself. They're on a little bit more highlighter today. That's it. It doesn't have to be extreme. Just remember that you were not put on this planet to be palatable. You don't need permission to take up space. You just need practice. And every time you show up as the real you, you're not being too much. You're simply teaching the world who you are and sharing your greatness with everyone. Thank you so much for listening and doing this kind of inner work with me because it truly shapes your entire life and it makes the world better. Even by 1%. And if you try any of these practices this week, share your taking up space moments with me on socials at we're over everything, or even my own socials, Valerie Currie. Send me a message. I love hearing from you guys sincerely. We're a community and we're all rooting for each other. Again, I'm Valerie Currie, and this is Over Everything. Take up space this week. You deserve to be seen.