#21 - Anchors for the days that try to take you under

This isn’t a list of clichés or Pinterest quotes.

It’s the real, messy, practical stuff that got me through some of my darkest times. In this episode, I share the points I jotted down, the reminders, habits, and mindset shifts that helped bring me back to earth when everything felt too heavy.

These are the things I still come back to, because they work. Not because they’re magic, but because they’re simple, doable, and real.

If you’ve been feeling scattered, overwhelmed, or just a bit lost, maybe something here will be the thing that helps you hold on.

Thanks for tuning into That Makeup Gal! If you loved what you heard, be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if you’re feeling generous, drop a review—it helps more people find the show. Connect with me on Instagram @thatmakeupgal.pod for more behind-the-scenes moments, tips, and all the good vibes. Until next time, keep being unapologetically you bb!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:03

Jesus, I lost the microphone. We're off to a good start. Fucking hell. Anyway, g'day folks. Welcome to that makeup gal. I don't even fucking remember the intro. And I've sworn twice in 22 seconds. So, welcome. Hope you stick around. I'm Stevie and I'm that makeup gal and today I am going to structure this episode a little bit differently and I'm very excited. So I didn't plan it the way I normally do. It kind of came to me from a place of needing to or wanting to document the stuff that has actually helped me. And I started writing down all of these like simple dot points that I have really learnt, like poignant dot points throughout my life. call it, healing journey. And when I started reading them back and kind of elaborating on them, I was like, this shit kind of matters. So yeah, I thought I would share them. Not as someone who's healed. I've said that a million times. I do not believe that I am, in inverted commas, healed. I don't hope to ever be because I hope to continue to learn and to continue to get hurt and to continue to get, you know, better rebuild time and time again from all of the experiences and lessons and sometimes they're not so good but you know I I think that word is something that people tend to chase and then I'm not going to go into the world of fucking leaders and coaches that you know perch themselves on an ivory tower as if they are healed I will never be that person because I don't ever want to be anyway that was a digression let's get the fuck into it So these first few points are going to be the ones that I identified to be sort of around self-worth, identity, unlearning perfectionism, all of those things that kind of get in the way of progression. So the first one is when your worth isn't up for negotiation, everything changes. I pretty much spoke about this in the last episode about how standing in your power is is a statement that gets made really loosely by a lot of people, but the crux of it is learning what your worth is, learning that that is an absolute non-negotiable, that you have to get clear on that because if you're not, what the fuck is, what are you building? If it's not built around your entire belief system and your self-worth, what are you building? You stop performing, you stop shape-shifting, you stop begging for crumbs, and you start moving from conviction and not desperation. I feel like that kind of feeds into the dating thing again, but that breadcrumb theory where... Most of the time, one person is sort of feeling like someone's throwing bits and pieces out there and you're just scrambling for the information. No, no. Again, I spoke about that in the last episode where people tend to actually project that as the person who's, in adverted commas, breadcrumbing. And instead of going, why am I actually still scrambling for them and not just looking at the fucking crumbs on the ground and going, ew, cunts, sweep them up. Like... I don't take breadcrumbs, mate. I take a whole bakery. The next one. Your past is information, not identity. You can use your past to form your identity if you choose, but it does not have to be. Your past is an information vessel that you can use to create the next chapter. You learn from that. You build from that. What happened in a chapter is not your whole character. You are allowed to outgrow it. Speaking of outgrowing, it's okay to outgrow the person that you were once proud to become. It's okay to look back at photos and think, fuck, I thought that that was the pinnacle of it. It's okay. You don't have to resent that. Growth is not linear. Growth is a scale. And you're always going to look back at the past versions of yourself and hopefully have evolved into a better, more learned, more understanding person. That's the point of growth. I mean, it's not always how it goes. There's ups and downs and roundy rounds. But it is important to outgrow things. Because we want to evolve. We want to expand. And that means sometimes, you know, the girl or the guy or whoever that you created thinking that that was the milestone, it's okay to not have that as a milestone anymore. And in fact, be way ahead of it. Be proud of that. You are not behind. You are healing in a world that rewards burnout. Now, this was a personal one that often comes up for me. And I believe it probably will time and time again because I am actively and also unintentionally doing things quite differently to the world around me, at my age anyway. And I believe in my heart of hearts that age is just a thing. It's just a fucking number. We're not anything without our experiences and the things that shape our identity and experiences. And I'm the sort of person that chooses to learn from those experiences, good and bad. And being at the stage that I am now often means that I look at the world around me, people the same age as me, people in business the same time as me, and you do have that comparative snap of... Is that how I'm supposed to be doing it? And then I pan out and I'm like, wait a minute. Why is the way that I'm living not celebrated as much? Because there's always this pity. I think I've mentioned that in one of the early episodes. A client's mum. It happens all the fucking time, to be honest. It's always the way. And it's always the conversation starters for older generations. When they see somebody or understand my age, it's like, oh, how many kids do you have? None. Do you have a partner? No. But you know what I do fucking have, Sandra? How long you got? No. But it is that moment of why is that the pinnacle of what deserves to be celebrated when... If I told you all of those things and I did have three kids and I did have a business of 15 years and I did have a husband and he worked away so I had to maintain the household and pay all the bills and I'd be a fucking shell of myself. How is that the thing that actually makes people want to involve themselves in a conversation with you and determines if I'm interesting enough to have a conversation with because the fucking conversations tend to come to a grinding halt when I say no to those things like I'm some kind of fucking failure of a woman and it's like ask me about how much of an auntie I am ask me about how I'll walk into a burning fucking building and save you and your cats and I've got no other response you can call me at 3am I will be the person and the friend and the auntie and the cousin and the daughter that shows the fuck up because I can why is that not the thing that's actually celebrated and the fact that you know Yeah, I'm not burnt the fuck out. I'm not doing 250,000 hours a week and running 14 businesses and have, why am I exaggerating so much? Even if I had two businesses and some staff, I would be a shell of myself. I have actively chosen to live within my means to allow me to expand and evolve and learn through the fucking, the things that life dished up. And I learned that it's really, it's quite hurtful actually, that maybe I would be more celebrated if I was pushing myself to within an inch of my limit, you know? What? So no, you're not behind. You're not late. You're just choosing something more sustainable for you. The timelines and the things that society created, I say it in almost every fucking episode, can suck a chuppa chup. You know, fuck. Go away with that expectation of what it looks like to be successful and what it looks like to be, you know, where you should be. Fuck off. What do you mean? Okay? I talk to business owners multiple times a day and the ones who in the eyes of society are successful and wonderful and they're doing so well are fucking miserable. Not all the time. Most of the time. And I speak for that. I could push myself and my business and I could. Some people would look at that and go, why aren't you? Because I don't fucking want to. And if I said that to someone, they'd go, what? You're meant to. You're actually meant to. No, actually. You're meant to live every minute that you get gifted. You're meant to be able to enjoy the time that you get here because this is fucking temporary. And a lot of people forget that when they're on the chase for what society tells them they should be chasing. And yeah, I just want to remind you that that's a load of shit. So fuck the timeline. You're not behind. Just do you, babe. Can you tell that one was personal? No. They're all very personal. Next. Who would you be if you didn't fear disappointing anyone? That version of you that you've always dreamed of seeing, but... hasn't really come to the surface. Think about why. And often there's someone that pops into your mind that is subliminally telling you no or you should be doing something differently. Just ask yourself, who would you be and how would it look if that fear of disappointing someone wasn't there? Firstly, get rid of them. If it's family, like, sure, just put a strong boundary in place because, again, this life is meant to be lived for you. That's the only thing that matters because then everything around you falls into place. If you're living according to the world around you and how they expect you to show up, you are heading for a fucking bin fire of disappointment. That might happen in two weeks or two years or 22 years, but please, you'll get to that stage however long it is and I hope it's sooner rather than later because if it's 22 years down the track and you're looking at a steaming pile of shit that you did in the... hopes that you wouldn't disappoint Aunty Karen, you're going to be pretty fucking sad about the time that you lost. So just pause in this actual moment and ask that question. Do you need to put some boundaries in place? Do you need to have a hard conversation with yourself, because I hope you're doing that, about why it is that that holds so much importance in your life? Sometimes Putting boundaries in place hurts so fucking much because when things happen in your life that shed perspective, no, that's not the word I want, that offer perspective. Mine was my dad's dying. Dad's? I only have one. Dad dying. I still can't say that comfortably. Una memento. Yeah, anyway, I've spoken about that being the actual, you know, line in the sand in my life because it gave me that ability to see everything through a lens that illuminated all of the things that I had pushed through, neglected within myself, you know, put other people's needs and wants above my own. I can't I'm not holding that mirror up anymore because I stood in the shadows of all of that for 20 fucking years. And now I actually have so much perspective that I don't even owe an explanation as to what is going on because you had full access and now you're uncomfortable because you don't. That's not my problem. When people have full access to you and all that you offer and all that you bring and your heart and your advice and your ability to repair situations and fractured relationships and whatever it is that you were offering the situation and then suddenly something happened and you retreated and pulled back that access, the people that are uncomfortable with that and make it an issue aren't your friends, aren't meant to be in your life. Because people who see you act like that and see you retreat and see you pull back and see you withdraw go, girlfriend, what's going on? I love you. I'm coming over with ice cream and you're going to tell me what the fuck's going on because we don't have fractures in this relationship and obviously something's going on and we're going to talk. And even if you don't want to open the door, I'm sitting on the other side of it. they don't take that personally. They don't take things that happen in your life and go, well, fuck you, you know? I remember having that exact conversation with a friend and I ended up saying to her, why are you taking my life personally? Why am I having to explain my actions and decisions and movements as if it has anything to do with you? Like, I love you, but what the fuck are you on about? Let me. Let me live my fucking life. And if that's not in accordance with yours, okay. And then she burst into tears and it all went downhill and whatever. Like, of course, but what? That was one of the most hurtful and empowering situations I have ever fucking found myself in. Because I, for the first time in my life, looked in my own mirror, really, and went, nah, nah, we are not fucking doing this anymore. Yeah, and as I said, you realise that the people that love you aren't disappointed by you. They're not disappointed by your actions, even if you did fuck up. It's like, okay, that was really dumb, but I love you and we're going to get through it. People can be disappointed in different levels, but... If you are the one that is so scared of disappointing somebody, instead of actually just doing the thing, and if it disappoints them, you can address it and go, oh, fuck, sorry about it, didn't mean to. Or, oh, well, that's your disappointment to carry now, I guess. I'm just living my life. So ask yourself that. Who would you be and what would it look like if you didn't fear disappointing anyone? And as I said, the things that come up or the people that come up, maybe elaborate on that within yourself. And lastly, forgive yourself for who you were when you were surviving. Forgive yourself for who you were when you were surviving. It's not a nice thing to go through. It's not a nice version of yourself. Nobody wants to reflect on the fucking rotting corpse that was me, to be honest. When I was in the thick of grief, I had no other capacity. I'm not proud of that. Actually, no, fuck that. I am proud of that because I survived. I don't like looking back at that because it makes me sad. It makes me sad to think about... Hold on. It makes me sad to think about how much my heart was hurting. Hurting doesn't even come close. It's survival. And few people really understand that. But if that resonates... Forgive yourself for who you were when you were surviving. You did what you had to do with the tools that you had. You may not have even had the tools in the space that you were in. And it's hard to find new tools or even old tools when you're in that space. That version of you deserves compassion, not shame, not resentment. You didn't have any control of the world around you. I say that in every fucking episode. and sometimes the world around you flips you on your head. And instead of pushing against it and going, oh, well, that's out of my control, you just have to stay on your head for a bit. Let the world swallow you. Let that situation swallow you and survive. But you do what you have to do to actually move through that. And for me, this was where all my lessons happened because I knew... That if I didn't find, not meaning, if I didn't figure this out and rebuild piece by piece, strand by strand, it was going to destroy me. I have never experienced anything like I did in the early days of when my dad died. That feeling of the brutal reminder of how fucking fragile life is. And that's a really beautiful thing, but it's also a really fucking scary thing when that reminder comes with something like that attached to it. Life is impermanent. Life is fragile. Nothing is guaranteed. Literally fucking nothing is guaranteed. It's wild. It's a wild concept to actually fathom. And especially when literally one day they're here and the next they're not. It's wild. And so personally, I was like, okay, we need to put this fucking heart of yours to good use, Stevie. And we need to learn and we need to grow and we need to survive this. And yeah, unfortunately, not unfortunately, for me, that meant that I do retreat because everything became really, like I've said, crystal clear, but it also became hyper painful and painful. exaggerated almost like I felt everything times 10,000 and trying to put on that mask when I was around anybody and you know I didn't want to speak a lot of the stuff that I was feeling into existence but I know I needed to feel it and a lot of people don't understand that because they think let's just talk and when you're going through something like that it's like I don't fucking want to I actually don't even want to exist in this moment I am literally trying to just get through the fucking day so that tomorrow I can wake up and it's one less day of this. I'm one day closer to hopefully not feeling it this deeply anymore. So yeah, forgive yourself for whatever it was, whatever it looked like, whatever it looked like. Shit gets ugly sometimes and humans are, humans are humans. Fuck. It's actually wild how many people expect so much from humans and then get disappointed if they don't handle a situation the way that, again, society thinks that they should. I often use school as the example of this because, I mean, obviously they're kids and you don't have a deep understanding, especially in Mardai. Mental health and neurodivergence and all of that stuff wasn't overly understood, I guess. It was spoken about. But yeah, the kids that were throwing chairs, the kids that were rebellious, the kids that yelled at their teachers, the kids that told their maths teacher to fuck off or whatever, they were often chastised for doing that. And if you think about it, What was their life like? How can we expect somebody, especially a kid in this example, but like, let's go back to the broader example, how can we expect people to react in any way at all when we're only as good as the examples that we've been given and sometimes people weren't given examples at all? It's just another example of how being a human is really hard and learning is really difficult when... you're learning for the first time because often as adults we get given situations in our work in our you know life love life whatever it is that we haven't had to face before how can we expect that we know how to handle something that we've never seen before that's crazy a lot of the time we're going to get it wrong the first time or the second time or the 17th time we're humans just Forgive yourself for whatever it was. If you have the tools to be able to learn from that and develop better skills and hopefully the next time that a situation like that comes your way, you're like, I've seen this and I'm not repeating that pattern. But forgive yourself. So the next section is about like the physical things that happen, your nervous system, the triggers, the things that happen within your body. I personally thought that I, you know, was able to think my way out of pain. I just spoke about that. I go deep within this little brain cavity of mine. But my body was remembering things that I thought, you know, I dealt with. And eventually it started speaking louder than my thoughts. My visceral responses to things were fucking intense. Like, there were times when certain situations I was like, all right, I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool, I can handle this. We know what to say, we know what to do. And then my body would literally start vibrating. And I'm like, I can't speak. I can't... I'd look at my friend and be like, I don't... Like, give me a minute, I can't fucking function right now. And, you know, that's what I mean when I often say... anxiety isn't the buzzword that everybody tends to use these days. Anxiety is a visceral response for a lot of people. Feeling anxious is completely fucking different to having an anxiety disorder. And that is what often shows up for me anyway, because I have anxiety. I may my whole life, I don't know, but I manage it pretty well. But there are times when, as I said, my mum gave me a book just recently. called The Body Keeps the Score, or Holds the Score. And it's exactly that. It's about the fact that you can think you through something and understand the what's, the how's, the happenings, and then your body goes, mm-mm, mm-mm. I remember, this was a fair few years ago, I was in my spare room at my old house with my then partner and we were going through something pretty hectic with my family and I was putting together a really intense document and we were sitting on the floor and he'd kind of left me to my device I think he was making dinner and I was like I'm cool um but he came in and he was like are you okay what's happening and I'm like yeah yeah yeah I'm good I'm good I'm good and I just remember looking up at him and seeing this look in his eyes and he bent down and just held me and he was like oh my god you have to stop This is ruining you. And I'm like, I'm fine. I promise. I am. And he was like, Stevie, please. Like, I'm begging you. This is too much for you right now. It was. I didn't stop. But I often think back to that and think about what it was like for him to witness that and witness the absolute unfolding of me and watching me push through something that my body was literally... forcing me to listen to and yeah I didn't but I guess that's why I that's probably the biggest reason why when grief entered the chat because up until then you know I thought I'd had my bad days and then dad went and fucking flew off the earth and I was like okay so We either move the way we did last time and get that result and let your body fucking suffer and your mind suffer and you push through something that's really hurting you or you rest into this and you actually allow yourself to fucking heal. And yeah, it's been a journey, but here we are. Anyway, let's get into it. So the first one is peace feels boring when you're used to chaos. When your baseline has been survival, safety feels unfamiliar. And you know that anxious babies don't like unfamiliar things. Actually, humans, it's often an uncomfortable place for a lot of people. And when you are used to something being one way, it actually goes back to the point that I was making about, you know, when you put the boundaries in place, when people have had access to a certain version of you and then you change that, it makes people uncomfortable. It makes you uncomfortable when that change is forced upon you. You're like, wait a minute, I can continue doing it this way because it feels good and I know how it works. And I, well, you think it feels good. Or I can change it because that actually needs to happen, but it's gonna feel uncomfortable for a little bit. It's meant to, change is meant to. If it doesn't feel safe, it's not meant for you. And I know there's people going, oh, do it scared, do it, shut up. We're not talking about doing it scared. We're talking about things that feel unsafe for your body when they do the things that I was just talking about. When it responds viscerally, you stop in that moment and go, hmm, what's that? You don't need to rationalise the vibe. You don't need to go, yeah, but it was just a hectic thing. It's fine. It's fine. If your body says no, fucking listen before your mind talks you out of it. And history repeats itself again. And you find yourself in that vortex of anxiety and pain and discomfort because it's familiar. Fuck that. Do the unfamiliar. Being triggered by something is your soul saying, this still hurts. It's another coined term that everybody uses at the moment and people are sick of hearing and seeing. Triggered. I'm triggered. Like, it's an overused thing. It actually was something that is used in psychology for PTSD. And the triggers there are what happens when you have a situation trigger your post-traumatic stress and therefore, you know, flashbacks or the responses that you have. It's actually a really serious thing. When that happens, it is literally your body going, this isn't safe. It still hurts me. And you stay in therapy and you do the things that you do to actually break through those barriers that are causing those triggers. Triggers are just breadcrumbs to buried grief or buried pain. They're not enemies. They're invitations to actually take to your therapist or to your doctor or whoever it is that is helping you work through these things and going, so this came up and I thought I had dealt with that but clearly I haven't. Can we talk about this because I don't want to keep carrying it. We don't ignore the things that trigger us and we don't make it someone else's fucking problem. Fault, sorry, I should say, not problem. Actually both. But as I said, I think in the last episode where a lot of the times when we experience emotions or responses to emotions or situations, people tend to blame the external source or the external situation. Like, oh, the person you were involved in triggered me, so it's their fault. No, no. No, like, yeah, the situation could have been fucked, but look at you and look at the situation and we don't get triggered, in adverted commas, by things that aren't within us. Because if we're at peace and we're, you know, we've got all that shit on lock and someone does something fucked, we go, are you okay? Who the fuck says that, does that? Are you right? And walk away instead of going, what the fuck, he triggered me, fuck him, blah, blah, blah, blah. or her, whatever. Like, no, no. They're invitations to actually go, we still have some work to do. That's why, you know, for me personally, dating was an issue for a long time because there were a lot of things that I had suppressed throughout my very long relationship that came up when all of a sudden I had to be vulnerable with strangers. And I had no idea. So I was like, okay, all right, I'm actually not going to put myself in this situation. I'm just going to take this entire package to my therapist and go, help me fucking unpack this. Help me continue to unpack this because I cannot carry this in my backpack anymore. I didn't make it the fault of the other people that I was involved in or the ones that reminded me of my triggers. They're mine. They're mine. So yeah, listen to them. Our body doesn't tell a shit or show a shit for no reason. That your triggers are teachers. Whoopsie, just hit the microphone, sorry. Yeah, they're your teachers. They're not enemies. Well, they can be your teachers. They're fucked. They sometimes feel awful. I had a situation actually yesterday where I was on the phone to my doctor and the person that I was speaking to, they kept over-talking me and I was trying to say something and I just gave up. I was like, and they just kept like yapping and finishing a full paragraph when it was clear that I was really trying to say something. So I just shut down and I literally was like, I'm just going to go silent. And then after they finished their what felt like seven fucking hour tirade, I was like, it doesn't matter, bye, and just hung up. And I felt like shit because when I hung up, I was like, that person was just doing their job and they might have been anxious as well. Like they were trying to explain something to me and maybe it wasn't what I wanted to hear. And because I got put in a situation that made me feel like I wasn't being heard, my trigger went, fuck you, you don't want to hear me, you don't care about me, you don't value anything, I'm going. And so I sent an email being like, I'm really sorry. I tried really hard to fucking regulate and I failed and I projected and I'm really sorry, you didn't deserve that. And they emailed me straight back and they were like, we totally get it. It's so fine. But, you know, that was mine and it's a teaching lesson for me. to take accountability, but also they're not... They're teachers. Those situations make you go, what was that? And for me, in that situation, I was like, OK, so you felt invalidated. Whose is that? That's not them. That's not theirs to hold. They were just doing their job. Work on why you felt invalidated when someone was in their own world, because you don't know what was happening for them when they were on their tirade. Everybody's complex, so... Yeah, it was a real learning one for me because when I took accountability and actually went, I'm really sorry that I projected you didn't deserve that. That was my shit, not yours. I hope I didn't ruin your day. Of course I didn't. Fucking hell. I was not mean at all. I just, typical crab, I just fucking pull my head into my shell and this little cancerian baby just goes, no thank you, I'm hiding from the world. Bye. And sometimes I don't even say bye. Often I don't. It's the Harry Houdini. It's the smoke bomb. Bye. I'm out of here. Yeah, just don't shut the door on the things that make you flinch because, you know, we can call it a trigger or we can just say, fuck, that made me a bit uncomfortable. They're the things that are going to offer you the lessons that will open... to the expansion they will offer the expansion rather and open different doors that's how we learn that's how we identify things that we like or don't like and it's just part of life so another perfect segue the next things I want to talk about are actually projections other people and maybe the art of letting go, like letting go of that responsibility of holding other people's expectations. What someone else thinks of me literally has nothing to do with me anymore anyway. It did, it certainly did. It fucking dictated every single move that I made in my past, but not anymore. I keep going back to my mum's analogy. It's so strange. People probably think it's the weirdest thing. A pen. It's the simplest thing. Someone's holding a pen. It's full of their shit. It's full of their projections. It's full of their trauma. And then they hand it to you and go, that's yours now. And you look at it and go, thanks. It's really nice. I like how it writes. But no, it's yours. Take it back. It's as simple as that. I've got my own. I actually have a pencil case of my own. Shit-filled pencils and pens. So I'm good. You keep it. And also, every projection has a mirror in it. You can look into the mirror of someone else's projection and go, hmm, I don't think I'm going to take that on. If you're projecting, you look in that fucking mirror and catch yourself out like I did yesterday and go, uh-uh, that's ugly. We're not doing that anymore. That's not fair and that's not the kind of person that we are. That's a projection. Take accountability for that in that fucking moment and move on because that's, again, that's not how we move as humans. That's not how we should move as humans. I really like this one. Emotional maturity looks like letting people misunderstand you. It's about being okay with no longer clearing your name in every room you're not in because people will project. They'll assume and that has nothing to do with your truth. The sooner you realize that everything that someone else does is theirs, the closer you get to fucking peace basically. It doesn't matter. what is happening in someone else's mind. Their perception is always going to be different to the next person, the next person, the next person. It might be a similar variation, but it's never going to be exact. So just let it fucking happen. Let it be. You stay true to who you are and you know that if you needed to, you can be like, well, that's not true. But if you want to believe it, cool. I'll be over here doing my thing, knowing my truth. You become so unbothered by the thoughts and perceptions and beliefs of other people that you're like, I'm good because I'm fucking solid, you know? And speaking of rooms, if you always need to explain your heart, you're in the wrong room. I read something recently that was about like neurodivergence and over explaining and their need to over tell a story. You know, we often find ourselves in situations where we're like, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. This happened, this happened, this happened, this happened when I was seven. And oh my God, what about this and this and this? And then you leave and you're like, oh. Why did I have to say all that? And it's, you know, tale as old as time. Anyway, I read this thing that was like, we don't overshare because we want to. We overshare because we think that we're more interesting with context. And I was like, oh, my fucking God. That's the mirror that I need to fucking look in. I don't know. I don't owe anyone an understanding of my context. But I'll take that. And I'll pop that in my emotional backpack because that is exactly why I over-explain. Because I do believe that I make more sense when I tell my whole story and when I give context. But it doesn't feel good. And you know that the people who are in your life that are rock solid, that love you and understand you, don't need that context anyway. So if you're over-explaining, you're in the wrong room. Get the fuck out. Again, speaking of accountability, accountability feels uncomfortable. Blame feels easy. Choose wisely. I basically spent a whole episode, maybe two episodes, talking about the importance of accountability and blame. I actually think I have an episode, accountability versus blame. Do I? Maybe. Maybe I dreamt it. Nope, just needed to cross-check. It's accountability, identity, and moving forward, my episode. But, you know, potato, potato. Anyway, as I say, accountability is the key to fucking everything. Blame buys time. Accountability buys growth. One feeds the ego, the other feeds your future. Like, what do you want to choose? Blame feeds the ego because you're going, I'm not in the wrong here. You're fucked. You did that. I just responded to your actions. Can be true sometimes. We do respond to people's actions. But the accountability has to be there to look at those actions and go, I'm actually not responding to that because you're fucked. Bye. It's as simple as that. Not okay. I'm going to blame you and make that part of my story and make it part of my law and make it part of every other man that comes in my way because you're all the same. No, I'm going to take accountability for the fact that I didn't do anything wrong here and you're just a piece of shit. So, bye. Completely unaffected. A little affected because, you know, I let you into my orbit. But moving on. Accountability lets you lean into the things that are... and potentially laying dormant and will continue to come up in every interaction that you have. Dating, friendships, work, everything. Accountability is the key to looking at that response to the external and going, okay, I've done this before. I'm actually going to rewrite that because I don't like those actions. But for some reason, I keep finding myself in interactions where I experience the same actions. And lo and behold, my response is the same. So if I want to rewrite this narrative, perhaps I need to change my response. And that starts with accountability and going, why am I responding the way that I am in the first place? And how do I fix that? And again... watch those people never enter your life again because the boundary is so strong that you're like, nah, motherfucker, I've seen you before. I am so not interested, bye. And this one is a real pearler for every human that you have an interaction with. Most people aren't emotionally unavailable. They're emotionally avoidant. big difference it's not that they can't it's that they won't and you can't heal someone's unwillingness with your over giving you can't go into a situation and go oh he's not capable it's just the way that he is I'm going to give give give what you think that's going to heal the situation it's just fueling the fact that he's just going to not do it even more or there I should say like you can't heal someone's unwillingness with over giving that's not how shit works You can heal someone's fucking unwillingness by flipping the bird and going, see you cunt. Take your unwillingness to therapy and stop projecting it onto fucking people that you think are going to fix you. Thank you so much. that is so yours, I don't even need to respond. So as somebody who absolutely lived in the people-pleasing space and allowed everybody full access to me and then chose what version I was going to project to the world even though it wasn't my truth, I learnt this the interesting way, not the hard way. And I used to think that protecting my peace made me cold, which is why I just continued to put things out there. Put myself out there, I mean, not things. Like, put myself in situations I didn't necessarily want to be in or find myself in conversations where I was giving and, you know, probably leaving really fucking deflated because I was offering a lot of clarity in situations that I was getting absolutely fucking nothing from. But upon reflection, that's exactly why I was there. Anyway, turns out it just makes things clearer. Boundaries just make things really fucking clear. And that is so gorgeous. Not everyone deserves a front row seat. Just continue doing what you're doing, saying what you're saying and keep those fucking boundaries strong. And everything has a really sweet way of letting things just fall into place. So yeah, the first one is obviously about boundaries. And understanding that boundaries aren't walls, they are invitations to meet you with care. Boundaries don't mean you have not got access to this ever again. It means, no, I'm pretty careful with this and I know what I need to make me feel comfortable and if you can't offer that, then no, you don't have access. It's as simple as that. It's not a nasty thing. You're not pushing people out. You are teaching them how to come closer safely. That's not a fucking bad thing. That's actually one of the most... unbelievably, beautifully human things that you could do and that your friends and family would want you to do. How beautiful to cherish what you are with a boundary and to have the people around you to respect that boundary. Let yourself get to a space where silence speaks louder than words. Not everything requires a response when you are healing and it's not avoidance. I had to learn this the hard way, to be honest. It's discernment. When you learn to sit in discomfort without reacting, you actually become really fucking dangerous in the best and most beautiful way. I've got a personal example. It's to do with someone that was connected to my dad. And recently they reached out and I have absolutely nothing, nothing in my heart to say to this person. Actually, that's not true. There are a few things, but I've come to understand that even those, they don't deserve access to. See, isn't it funny the things that actually still trigger a response in you? I know that this response is mine, but I also know where it comes from. And there's a lot of... emotional discomfort around this particular situation, but it's mine. I don't need to speak it out loud into their world to have them understand something that I don't want them handling in the first place. We get to make the decision as to what we allow other people to handle within our lives, and that's not one of them. This person messaged me a few weeks back and said that they were in town and that they'd like to catch up. And so I didn't respond because I'm like, fucking in what world? And then they emailed and repeated the question, but instead at the end said, let me know either way. And I read it to my family and I'm like, let you know either way. You mean you can't understand that someone would not want to speak to you? Again, that says a lot about you. If I do not respond and you aren't able to look at the surrounding circumstances as to why I'm not responding, that's on you. Now, this is coming from someone who absolutely will hand on heart acknowledge that I retreat when I'm processing. I don't respond to messages. I feel like I do. Fucking three weeks pass sometimes with it feeling like three days and I take full accountability for that. However, the people in my life that I do miss messages from... know that there is no bad blood and that there's nothing to take personally because there's nothing that's happened. They don't ever go, I expect to hear from you in your pain. I expect it because I need it. I need to know what you're doing. I need to know your response. They fucking don't. They go, she'll talk to me when she needs to because we're good, we're strong, we're solid. And this particular situation with the let me know either way was like... No, I'm not letting you know any way because you are the kind of person that I don't ever want to find myself in a room with again. Someone that is capable of the things that you are capable of, I do not want to share a moment with. And it's taken me a long time to process that because of how close my dad was with this person. And that doesn't make me a bad person because I've got a boundary in place that my dad didn't. There are some people on the planet that you just don't owe a response to and silence should speak that because I think I mentioned this in a previous episode about the fact that if you aren't the kind of person that is emotionally able to look at your participation in a situation and go, oh, I can understand why there's a rift there. I can understand why there's an imbalance in our relationship because yeah, I get it. If you're not able to do that, I don't want a fucking bar of you. Emotional intelligence and emotional awareness is two of the most important things in my life. And if you are neither of those, I have no interest in sharing space with you. Sometimes you don't have to fix the vibe. You just need to leave the room. Peace isn't a group project. If it costs your clarity, it's too much. Get out. Like I said earlier, get the fuck out of the room. If you're going in there and feeling anxious and feeling overwhelmed and feeling unsupported, get out of the fucking room. Don't expect that the room's going to cater to your discomfort. Move. It's sacred work. It's important. It's personal. Protect it. Not everybody gets to see it. Not everybody gets to understand it. So the next things I want to talk about are the clarity and the choosing skills. of the discernment and the moment things shift. The shift always came for me in the silence. Like when the noise stopped, I would hear the question underneath it all. Like, is this really right for me or am I just used to it? That came up a lot when I was saying no to a lot of things because honestly I couldn't. when people were like, can I come round or do you want to come round? And I was just like, I haven't showered in two days and I've cried so much that I think I burst a blood vessel. So respectfully, no. And those questions came when I was saying no to the things that I used to say yes to because there was discomfort there. Like I was used to just showing up and doing the things and being in rooms that... Thank you. Ironically, the house that I actually received the phone call in. And I always really struggled going back there, but of course I pushed through and I showed up and I went there and I had the panic attack in the car outside every fucking time. And the last time that I went there, I had somebody there say, so what's been happening with you, Stevie? Nothing? And I was like, what? Actually, yeah, I've been actively not... unaliving myself every day because my heart is irreparably fucking different and I don't know who I am anymore. And on top of that, I've actually started an online store And a podcast. And I've relisted every single item on my website and done the backend editing of that. And I've listed like 15 Google ads. I worked on the analytics of my website, learnt all that myself because I have no money because I haven't been able to work because I've been surviving. But yeah, nothing. I'm just really hopeless. And yeah, that was the moment where I was like, I think this is the shift. I think this is the shift. I'm not in a room where someone's saying, you are fucking amazing. And to actually just double down on that, I had a message from a friend on my birthday a few weeks back. And this particular friend, I have missed so much in her life. I'm talking I missed an entire pregnancy. We caught up for coffee, which felt like a two-week gap. And I finally caught up with her and she walked in and she was like eight and a half months pregnant. She's like, surprise. I'm like, what the fuck? She hadn't put anything on social media because she hadn't told me. That day, she literally put up on social like, surprise, I've been keeping a secret. Like, I don't know if it was to do with me, but yeah. I have missed so much, but she just loves me unconditionally. And she said in my birthday message that, I am forever inspired by your strength to show up in this world as vulnerable as you are. And, you know, I love you and I love your heart. And I read things like that and I'm like, fucking hell, that's what it is to celebrate a human in every chapter of their life. Not make them feel like an absolute fucking failure because they're experiencing something that makes them a little bit different in this moment. that makes them appear as if nothing's happening when life is still really lifing and I should be celebrated for the fact that I'm still fucking doing it, you know? Let the things shift, basically, is what I'm trying to say. If it feels confusing or confronting, it's misalignment. Just call it exactly what it is. It's misalignment and you need to get the fuck out of the room, basically. And that's OK. And another thing that I think... really rang true over the last 12 months is that people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. I learnt this through grief and I found this journey personally because when I experienced grief, when I experienced the death of dad, actually. I've referenced my best mate before a million times in this particular situation, but just for the people who haven't heard the episode, one of my best mates who also lost her mum, ironically on the same date that I lost dad, six years prior, I believe. said to me life is about to become abundantly fucking clear to you life is about to make so much sense things are going to shift into a space that you didn't know possible and the people people are going to make sense in a different way people who have experienced pain are going to stand out to you and the people who haven't are going to be so far from your fucking radar that you won't have a say in it Basically, in a nutshell, saying you see the world differently and you understand people differently. And people who have experienced this are different. They are. They see and feel things so fucking differently. There's this beautiful depth to people that have... yeah experienced life on a deeper level than the fucking surface and unfortunately the people who only see the surface become so uninteresting to you when you've seen life through this lens and that's where shit just starts to slip away because if they're disconnected from their own heart they're never going to understand yours and that's not rejection it's limitation That's the boundary stuff that we were talking about. It's limitation. It's as simple as that. Now, this is one that I fucking love. You don't need to vibe your way into clarity. Ask the question. Watch the reaction. Sometimes you don't even have to ask the question. You can just ask the question in yourself. Just watch. You don't have to twist yourself and bend yourself to find the clarity in a situation. You just stand there and ask and watch. Energy is one thing. Directness is another. Clarity lives in asking the hard things and watching. Whoops, I hit the microphone again. What they do with it. Watch how it unfolds. Watch them squirm. Watch them hold you. This is the part where the penny drops. Watch it drop. Learn from it. Learn to name misalignment. Walk away from the fog and don't mistake intensity for chemistry or history for expectations. You know the, they've been in my life for 25 years. I can't let that all go. Yeah, you can. When things align, you can. It's hard, but that's discernment. So I'm going to close with a few of the things that I think if I could go back and hand myself something to hold on to when everything felt loud or too much or too painful, I think it would be these. Healing doesn't mean forgetting. It means remembering without pain. You know those fucking stupid... rose-coloured glasses and the flying butterflies and the people that are like, grief is just all the love that has nowhere to go. Fuck off. No, it's not. Grief is really fucking ugly and grief is one thing. Grief is literally a situation that happened that you are yearning because it changed. It was one way and now it isn't. That's grief. That hasn't got anything to do with love that has nowhere to go now. The healing... is the part that teaches you what you now do with the love that is you know maybe misdirected or can't go to somewhere because they're dead lol sorry dark the memory stays but it no longer controls the narrative that's freedom that's what healing is that's what healing a situation is it's the painful parts of it so that you're left with the memory of what once was and that's the essence of fucking life because if you hold on to the fact that something isn't here any longer you're just going to be in for a really miserable life because as I always say every single thing on the fucking planet or make it a And the sooner that you accept that and that, you know, you grab onto the fact that, yes, you're in charge of your own healing and sometimes you're going to have to heal through things that really fucking hurt you. But you're not healing in order to forget the thing that happened or to erase the pain. You're there to change perspective and to find the freedom within that so that you can look back at that and no longer be hurt or triggered or whatever. You don't need a new life. You need a new lens. And that lens often comes from shit that really hurts you. But it allows you to see things so fucking clearly and differently. And if you take the power that comes with that new lens that gets gifted to you, oh, my God. It's hard. But just look through it. It's confronting. It's only hard because it's confronting, right? As we were talking about, that discomfort and the familiar things are often more, in adverted commas, comfortable. But they're not really. They're not. They're just familiar. And the sooner that you remember that, the better. So look through that new lens and know that you're going to see a different fucking world. You're going to see a new perspective and things are going to fall into place in a way that you probably didn't expect them to. But just let it. And remember all the things that I literally just said about boundaries, about living true to yourself, about only having your wants, needs, desires, whatever at the forefront and letting that be the director of the movement through the shit that hurts you. And yeah, things will start to make a whole pile of sense eventually. So I really hope that maybe one of these stuck with you or... made you pause or gave you something to contemplate or just to to think over um I write everything down I'm a I'm a big advocate for journaling and just brain dumping onto the pages in front of you mum told me about free writing fucking probably 10 years ago and I love it it's chaotic as heck but if you've never heard of it free writing is basically in a moment of pain or chaos or busy mind just grab a pen and a paper like some paper and get brain dumping put it all on paper all All of it, every single thing without even thinking. It's this idea that sometimes we overthink and that gets in our way of actually processing it and getting it out. Purging your mind in a way that you're not in control of is so fucking freeing, especially as a serial overthinker over here. I'm always in control of my thoughts, which isn't a bad thing, but at times, sometimes you've just got to let go of the reins and just fucking let your hand just drag it all out of your mind. Put it all on the paper, as I said, and process it however the fuck you need to. For me, I am a big believer in... the cleansing power of burning and I love burning the pages of my journals and there are never ever negative intentions attached to it. It is purely a release. It's the way, it's my way of honouring what I put onto the paper without any intention of needing to read it back and Yeah, allowing that to be the final closing moment of what I put on the paper. But as I said, it's totally personal. It's up to you. If you want to keep the journal, if you want to read it, if that's your vibe, then do it. This is totally personal. But I just... I hope... Even just one of you is feeling inspired to do some writing or to do some reflecting or maybe one of the points that I made resonated and you can just ponder it wherever you are. Because the truth is healing isn't about becoming someone else. It's about remembering who you are underneath the noise. And if the noise needs space to be heard, that can sometimes be on the pages of a big old brain dump session. It doesn't have to be an external scream. It can be screaming to your fucking pillow. Oh my God. Screaming to your arm ditch in a car. Beautiful. They're more soundproof than you think. There are actual therapists out there who really, really encourage scream therapy. It's incredible what it does to your body. I'm not going to go there because it's actually a therapeutic module and I am not module, but practice. And I don't like talking about things that I'm not credited in but from an experience perspective oh my god one of my friends and I a few years back um I would take her to one of my favorite spots on the coast and we would just sit on the top of the cliff and we would say what we had on our heart before we threw it because they were not massive rocks and obviously it was safe to do it. It was very safe, very, very safe. It was not into the ocean because the thought of like hitting a little fishy with the rock actually makes me want to die. So we would throw them just onto the rocks beneath us. It's hard to explain if you don't know the place that I'm talking about, but it's just fucking, it's cliff. And yeah, we would say what we needed to say and then scream if we needed to. And throw the rock. And it's like this emotional but also physical release. And yeah, whatever it is that you need to do to let the words become a release, do it. Just do it. The noise has to have a place to become silent. And that's on you to figure that out. So I guess what I want to leave you with is this. It's not about being less emotional or more together, whatever that even fucking means. It's about remembering who you are underneath the noise, like I said. The noise of expectation. The noise of performing. The noise of social media telling you that you're either too soft or too much or not enough or, you know, too old, too young, behind or everything all at once. Whatever. But underneath that... There's someone who has always been enough, who didn't need to earn belonging, who didn't have to hustle for their worth. And if no one's told you lately, they're still in there, even if you've forgotten about them or you've forgotten how to hear them or you've forgotten how to listen to them. You're so focused on the external world and everything that's going on chaotically that you've forgotten. Just try to remember. Take what resonated today and sit with it. Let it move through you. Let it meet you in your timing, whatever that is, wherever that is. And if something's stirred, that's probably worth paying attention to. Like I said, grab the pen, grab the journal, pour it all onto the pages or speak it out loud if that's your vibe. Just let it and listen to it. So yeah, I'll leave it there. Let's wrap a little bow in that and call it episode 21. Don't know what the title is yet. Thank you for being here and thank you for listening, not only to me, but to you, hopefully. Hopefully this has stirred some kind of thought up in you and yeah, I hope it offers some reflection. Anyway. I'll catch you next time. Bye.