# 28 - When the Character Finally Breaks

After a tech mishap deleting my planned episode this was a “sit down and see what happens” kind of recording. I reflect on turning 39, grieving the version of life I thought I’d have by now, and what the past year has forced me to confront.

I talk about healing, dating after loss, disappointment, gratitude, getting older, and the difference between simply getting through life and actually allowing it to change you.

I used to think that growth came with time, or that eventually I’d wake up feeling like the person I imagined I’d become. Instead, I’ve realised that some lessons don’t arrive until life quietly holds up a mirror.

This episode is about the stories we tell ourselves, the expectations we carry, and what happens when life gently (or not so gently) breaks character.

Because maybe falling apart isn’t what’s happening at all, maybe we’re just finally meeting ourselves…

As per, no neat answers, just the lessons I’ve learned along the way and a reminder that progress doesn’t always look productive, healing isn’t linear.

Thanks for being here!

Stevi x

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

G'day folks and welcome to That Makeup Gal. I'm Stevie, and I'm That Makeup Gal. It's been a hot minute since I've sat down and recorded an episode, and I really wanted to plan this one out, but I have to be honest, I'm sitting down to just literally recap on what has been a really fucking tumultuous time. And not because lots of bad things have happened, because I feel like I've opened up to a lot of shit and realized a lot of shit. It's been a lot. It has been a lot. And yeah, I feel like collectively there's a lot of people that are feeling the weight of the fucking world. And yeah, I mean, there's a lot going on, but let's not go over that because fuck me, dead old spiral. So I turned another year older, and I don't know about you, but birthdays kind of feel like New Year to me as I get older. I I have I'm less and less inclined to celebrate on New Year's Eve because it's like, oh fuck, whatever. It's summer, let's just enjoy it. It's like this fucking thing in the middle of a good time already, and it doesn't feel like much. But my birthday always feels like a a turning point and where I reflect on the year, and it makes sense to me that it is the fucking new year, right? Like it's when we were born. Um so I literally just got a DM from a fence friend saying, I'm also at breaking point. YOLO, I don't give a fuck. Hi. It just encapsulates what everyone's going through. Like, yep, times are fucking heavy. Um, what was I saying? Yeah, my birthday. So I turned 39, which used to scare the fucking shit out of me. Saying numbers that were that close to 40. Like, I I I genuinely don't say this to sound like a fucking cringe millennial. I do not feel anywhere near what I thought that should feel like at 39. Like when I think about what I thought 39 was supposed to look like, it was living in your dream house in your dream suburb, cooking dinner for everybody with two beautiful dogs and polished floorboards and like even saying that, it's kind of like, how the fuck does everybody get sucked in to the to the societal narrative that gets set even subconsciously for us all? I am not that fucking person, and yet my mind still takes me there. It's just wild. What did we think that was supposed to look like, and is that why we're so hard on ourselves? Because that unrealistic goal that we had subconsciously planted in our heads isn't anywhere near what even a lot of us are living. And yet, when you really think about it, is that goal actually what you fucking want? Gratitude has been something that I've missed because I've been so caught up in the disappointment of what I'm not that the gratitude just kind of wasn't there. And I didn't realise how much that fucking sucked. How much it sort of feels like you're looking through this really hazy fucking lens. Gratitude, oh god, I sound so fucking ridiculous saying it, but gratitude is kind of the thing that pulls you back into the now. And no matter what it looks like, you're kind of like, well fuck, is it perfect? No, but I'm grateful that it's not worse. That's as simple as it is. And yeah, sometimes just saying that out loud is my god, the clouds are beautiful, they're fucking neon pink. Um, yeah, saying that out loud is enough to kind of just pull you back into, yeah, it's not that fucking bad. So yeah, I've had a lot of moments of reflection and realizing how much um that disappointment has played a part in how sad I've been recently. Um because yeah, I'm I've been focusing so hard on what's been lacking and what I thought this was supposed to look like and how much of a disappointment I am in certain areas of my life. Because that sometimes is sometimes is reality, right? Sometimes we are disappointing to other people or to our job or to whatever we're doing. We're giving it half our fucking energy because we can't be bothered. We all go through moments like that, and it's okay to let yourself be disappointed by that as long as you're focusing on being better. This whole toxic positivity shit, you know, that's where that does my fucking head in. Because it's like, no, I actually am allowed to be disappointed in myself for being that because I'm not proud of it. But we're gonna be better. And yeah, I found that in letting myself actually sink into a little bit of that disappointment, I was able to look at situations I'd been in that had hurt me, let's say over these past 12 months, and look at it a bit differently because it's like, yeah, bitch, you fucking did let yourself down there. Like, I am actually disappointed in my own actions because fucking are you looking at yourself? Not, you know, we could have done better. Yeah, we could have. And I'm fucking disappointed that you chose to do it that way and make yourself be seen that way, blah blah blah, whatever. But over these 12 months, I had dipped my toe back into the dating pool. Actually, it's been a big part of my self-discovery, if I'm honest. But yeah, specifically the last 12 months and like nothing to do with the people that I was having interactions with, and everything to do with the fact that it was the first time that I had opened myself up as what felt like this new version of me in inverted commas. Like you when we talk about grief, um, a lot of people sort of reference post and you know, after grief, the person that you were before the loss, and then what happens after. And it does feel like a lion in the sand. You do genuinely feel like a fucking different person. And I imagine maybe that happens with each loss, or maybe it is just the first big loss that you have, or maybe it's parental loss. I don't fucking know, but it it's been humongous in rebuilding and reshaping me because it literally, it literally felt like it stopped my fucking existence, and I had to build everything about the way that I moved forward, and that felt new. So going out in the dating world was fucking terrifying, and I didn't realise how terrifying it was until the aftermath of old wounds that were coming up and unhealed things that I thought just coming out of this, and I'm new, I'm fresh, it's okay, like I hadn't actually forgotten that all of the baggage and the scars and the attachment wounds and the big shit that was coming up now in this unguarded version was still there. It hadn't healed. Just because you're new doesn't mean that that shit goes away. And I was so fucking like unguarded doesn't even feel like enough. Like it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks, the the wounds and the shit that I hadn't actually faced and addressed. And I don't think I would have noticed or seen those parts of myself had I not been putting myself in situations where I was meeting new people and um yeah, going through the being perceived, I guess. Um we don't have that in ordinary life, or we do, but not to an extent of emotional capacity, because that's what dating is, right? Like you're getting to know each other to see if you want to fucking spend time together, no matter what the outcome is, whether you're dating to marry or dating to like that that you're still trying to get an emotional gauge of things to be like, yeah, you're cool, or you're pffff, let's not. And I hadn't done that because I was seeing everything through this new lens, um, and yeah, a lot, a lot came up, and it's been I would say one of the biggest, if not the biggest, periods of sort of self-discovery in my life. Um and yeah, I'm always pretty open about the fact that I think we learned the most and most complex things about ourselves in uh hurtful times. But fuck, I I've gotta be honest, I'm ready to I'm ready to not learn for a bit. Because fuck, feeling everything while you're already feeling something, you know what I mean? Like, fuck. You you're kind of dealing with one thing because there's this wound that you're emotionally able to attack now, so you're like, right, let's fucking handle this, and then three other ones show up, so you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and then it just continues. The more aware that you are of things, the clearer that you see everything, and it all kind of happens at once. Sorry to sound like this fucking person again, but it gives you the opportunity to become something different and new and be in control of it. But yeah, fuck, it takes some resilience, and um, I didn't really have a grasp of that. So yeah, this this chapter has made me face some things fucking head on. And it also, it genuinely felt like I I did about 10 years of aging and growing in 12 months. Like if I think about who I was 12 months ago, I think I was still in my 20s mentally. I hadn't actually given myself the permission to step into the next chapter of my life. And fuck me, it is so clear when I look back even 12 months ago at my mentality and the things that I was, I don't know, just subconsciously being okay with. It was like I was in my 20s. I hadn't progressed into a different way of learning interactions and all that, and now I'm like, and I think that's where I kind of became detached with, you know, how I said at the beginning, 39. Fuck, I used to be so scared of that, and then I just became really detached by any fucking meaning attached to a number because I was only 38 last year, and yet when I think about my mentality and the way that I was looking through situations and experiencing people, and it's different, and it's fucking okay for it to be, and it's actually more okay for me to be living this version now at 39 and being so fucking different to most of the 39-year-olds around me, and like cool, find a way for that to be okay instead of you know punishing yourself for it being different, like it's fine, it is what it is, and that um call it surrender to I guess life being dictated by the shit that you move through, not the number that you are. It really is about healing. I hate that term at times because it it feels diluted, but really healing wounds, looking at them and going, no, I'm not gonna actually let you come up in the next argument that I have because I'm gonna fucking heal you and I can. It takes a lot of work, it takes a lot of therapy and commitment to big things. Being committed to approaching things differently is so fucking important, and healing is so fucking important. And when you do, as you start to, you really realize how many people avoid it, even if they're actively going to therapy and talking about it all the time. You're like, yeah, okay, cool, but you're avoiding healing, so and I've been that person, don't fucking get me wrong. But you know that, you know people like that, absolutely. Everybody does. You're like, you seem to talk about your weekly or fortnightly therapy appointments, but we're we're still seeing the same shit from you, you know what I mean? And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this shit to be insensitive because uh I have been on every end of the fucking spectrum when it comes to therapy avoidance commitment, all of it. Um this is just me sort of seeing things, even myself, 12 months ago. Because yeah, like I was saying, the amount of people that avoid healing, and there are so many fucking not to generalize, but um, you know, I welcome anybody to come and have a fucking scroll on my I just got Tinder and I feel disgusting saying it because I'm 39, but it's fucking grim, okay? And hinge it it just isn't cutting it. Anyway, I digress. I welcome anyone to come and have a quick old scroll, okay. You know what I mean? Lot of unhealed men, lot of unhealed men. You know? I'm not saying anything more than that, but come on over and have a fucking scroll. Anyway, I know there's people that are actively healing and I'm just for lol's. But yeah, it's a really fucking difficult time to be intentionally aware and healing. That's for dying sure. So yeah, this this old gal has done some serious reflecting on her 38th year on the planet, and it was a fucking weird one, and it hurt me a little bit for the first time in a long time, which also made me realize that I have avoided being immersed in every interaction that I had had prior to the dating experiences I had in last year or this year, whatever, the last 12 months. You know, I thought I had been involved in things, and then I thought that I had, you know, an emotional experience, and then these last 12 months showed me that I don't actually think I'd been mentally and emotionally present fully in in I would go I would go so far to say that like almost every interaction I'd only been partially present in because there was something that was keeping me reserved uh and f caught up in my fucking head, and I have faced a lot of that this year because I as I said realized that the situations I'd been in held that mirror up to be like, whoa, I don't actually think that you've allowed yourself to be seen entirely ever. And you know what? We're not fucking doing that anymore, we're just not. So let's heal that wound. And when I tried, um, about 15 other wounds came up, as I said, and that is on intentionally healing. That shit just fucking happens, and I I really hope that nobody fears age as a concept. I hope that people look at the time that they have on the planet and want to live it wholly, like entirely, however that is, whatever capacity you have. I hope that nothing gets past you, and I hope that age isn't the thing that stops people from doing or saying or experiencing things because it's just a load of fucking shit. It really is. Like I said, you know, these past 12 months I feel like I've mentally aged 10 years, so the conversations that I was having 12 months previously, although I've I definitely have not strayed from deep conversations, they have been limited by so many fucking things, and that's what happens. It that's experience, that's that's unfolding situations, that's not age. That just goes to show that if someone has faced though their wounds intentionally through their life, and you sit around the fire and you have a conversation with a 23-year-old, and you're 38, and that 23-year-old has been actively healing through the traumas that they've faced their whole life because that they got gifted the opportunity of being able to do that, because you know, not everybody has the ability to heal. It's it's a hard fucking thing, it requires a lot of commitment. But let's say this 23-year-old has, and the conversations and the and the perspectives that you could learn from a person like that over, you know, the 38-year-old next to them that's lived a really beautifully easy life, and I love that for them, you know, but grief hasn't had a hold, and they've they've only known really unconditional love and healthy relationships, and every time they've had a fight with a friend, the relationships around them were so strong that it it never hurt that much. The experiences haven't kind of carved anything to be healed, and well, there might be a high chance that you still have a nice conversation with this person. Obviously, people are cool, and you know, we can always learn from somebody. I can almost guarantee that it's ne not going to be anywhere near as intrinsic and interesting and formative as the conversation that you have with the person who has faced their shit head on and knows life moves in fucking weird ways for most of us. It's just different, and age doesn't determine that. Um, experience does. And yeah, I feel like I could force myself to kind of keep recording and keep talking. Um but yeah, as I said, after last week's or well, last whenever it was, recordings mishap. I think I'm gonna leave this one here. I don't know if I made any kind of point, but do you know what the point is right now for me personally? It's progress. I feel like I'm not making any progress, and I am being the person that is sort of on the on the wheel of life, and I'm not gonna lie, I've been really fucking struggling. That wheel has been a rickety bitch, and I'm letting that take hold, and I'm not taking as much action as I would like, and I'm not putting as much heart into things because honestly, my heart is fucking tired, and I've just let it be instead of pushing through like I normally would, and that's why I'm just gonna leave it here because I don't know if I made my point, I don't know if there is a point to this, but for me, as I said, putting it out there and allowing myself to be heard and to maybe not get it right, maybe not get it perfect, maybe not make a point. I'm making progress and I'm letting myself make that progress, and that's really fucking important to me. So if that matters to you at all, thank you, and I'm fucking proud of you because life be life's for a lot of people, and although there are beautiful things in every single day, and I encourage everybody to find one, no matter how hard shit gets, find it, find something. Look at the fucking sky if that's all there is. That's hopeful as shit. You know what I mean? But life still lifes, and I'll always be the person that talks about that. I will always encourage people to talk about the good shit and the aiming for better always, but I will never shy away from the fact that while we're aiming for better, sometimes shit is fucking worse than it's ever been before. And that sucks. That really fucking sucks, and that shit feels lonely, and it feels dark, and it feels empty for a lot of people because a lot of people concentrate on talking about what they're aiming towards, not how fucked up shit is. And yeah, you know, the manifestors say that's us bringing it into the now. But maybe it's just us allowing it to be real and allowing the now to matter because it fucking does. And if we allow it to matter, we can allow it to form us and we can allow that formation to make us better, make us better versions of what we were. But that doesn't happen if we're constantly ignoring the now and just going, it's fine, don't don't even address it, don't even bring it into reality. We're saying it is this because it is this. No, sometimes it doesn't work like that, and that's okay. Um, yeah, that'll do. Um, thanks for being here. I hope the next time it is not as long, but I am not putting the pressure on myself because my god, if I do, I will die. I'm simply showing up as best as I can, and I'm trying my best to hold myself accountable and to show up here as often as I can. Uh, but I don't know when that'll be. So surprise when I do. Thanks for being here. I'll catch you in the next one. Bye.