Have you ever seen those Facebook posts that say 'Let's see who my real friends are—I bet only 3% will share this'? Am I the only one that finds these annoying? We're talking about why these posts aren't just annoying, they're actually manipulative. And how up to 25% of people pressuring you online might not even be real people. We’ll talk about simple things you can do to respond to pressures online and in real life, a little about online scams and other types of manipulation, and how your caveman brain factors in.
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Welcome back, my friends, or welcome for the first time. No matter who you are or how you got here, I'm so happy you're here listening. Today I want to talk about being pressured in relationships and this came from a pet peeve of mine, something that bugs me every time I see it. It's those posts on social media that say things like "If you were really my friend, you'd share this" or "Let's see who my true friends are"and then at the end there's this little guilt trip of "Now let's see who my real friends are. I bet only 3% of you will actually share this." We’ll talk not just about these posts but how sometimes we feel pressure from those in our world, what that says about friendships, and what's really happening when we engage with pressure tactics in relationships.
So let me start with the personal part. I don't react well to pressure. I never have. When someone tries to force me to do something or manipulate me into doing anything, it does not go well in fact, I typically do the opposite even if I don’t want to just so I can prove a point. As my dad always said, I’ll cut off my nose to spite my face. So asking me to prove my loyalty, my love or my friendship, something in me just shuts down. It's not that I don't care about what the person is saying. It's not that I don't care about the person themselves. It's that the method they're using to get me to engage feels manipulative and dishonest. And I know there’s no malicious intent when my friend shares these silly posts, but it still irks me.
If you really cared about what you're sharing, you could say it in your own words. You could share your own story about whatever it is. That would be real. But instead, these posts are just copied and pasted. There's nothing personal about it. There's nothing that tells me why this matters to you specifically. And then to add this pressure at the end of, "if you're really my friend", that's not friendship. That's manipulation. And, I know this is just meant to be fun but this got me thinking about bigger issues with friendship and how we might feel manipulated, or what constitutes true friendship. True friends don't pressure you. True friends don't feel the need to test your loyalty. True friends know that friendship isn't about performing for an audience or to do anything that doesn’t feel right to you. It's about showing up for each other in real, meaningful ways. If someone in my life really needs something from me, if they need my support or my time or my help, I want them to tell me directly. I want them to say, "Hey, I'm going through something and I could use your support." And while we’re talking about online posts, my other pet peeve is the passive aggressive post...you know those semi-angry posts ending with “and you know who you are”. You don’t need the online universe’s validation, if something is bothering you enough to post, then stop, reach out to the person and be grown up enough to share your thoughts with them. So that then maybe you can actually resolve whatever is causing you to feel passive aggressive, to come to an agreement even if that agreement is that the relationship is not what either of you need for it to be.
And if you're the person posting these things and you're feeling hurt that people aren't responding the way you want, maybe that's worth examining. If you’re feeling that you’re not getting what you need from them, have you shared that, and if you don’t feel comfortable sharing it in person or directly them is there even more going on that needs some attention? Are you filling their cup in the ways they need? Are you showing up for them? Because friendship is reciprocal. It goes both ways. And if you find yourself needing to test people's friendship through social media posts, there might be a deeper issue going on.
Maybe you and this person have different priorities right now and that’s why in real life you’re not able to show up for each other right now. Maybe they're dealing with their own stuff and don't have the bandwidth to engage with every post you share. Maybe they show their friendship in different ways, through texts or phone calls or showing up in person. Maybe they just don't like sharing things on social media, period. And honestly? Maybe you've outgrown each other. And that's okay too. But I can almost certainly guarantee that these passive aggressive posts will not bring you peace and in fact likely take away from it when you’re frustrated that the right people are not paying attention to it.
There's this saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And I think that's really true, and it's worth reflecting on when we think about friendship and these kinds of social media dynamics or any other kind of real life manipulation. Some people come into your life for a reason. They teach you something you needed to learn. They show up at exactly the right moment to help you through something or to give you a perspective you needed. They might have been exactly what you needed at that point in your life, but maybe you don’t need that anymore.
Some people are in your life for a season. Maybe you bonded over a shared experience, you worked together, or your kids were in the same class, or you were going through similar life transitions. And for that season, that friendship was real and important. But as circumstances change, you’re maybe no longer in the same alignment and the friendship naturally fades. That doesn't mean it wasn't valuable. It just means it served its purpose for that time in your life.
And then some people are lifetime friends. These are the people who stick with you through everything. They know you at your best and your worst. They don't need you to prove your friendship through social media posts or any other way because they know your heart. They know that friendship is shown through actions, through showing up, through being there in the real, messy, un-glamorous moments. But if someone is a real lifetime friend, they definitely don't need you to complete some silly quiz or share some generic post to prove your loyalty and love. They already know and you both know this and feel this and let me say this very clearly...if you truly have lifetime friends, you guard those relationships and protect them with all that you have, because those friendships are rare and pure.
Now let’s talk about what’s really happening on social media because while that's the personal part about why these posts bug me, there's something else going on here that's even more important, and it has to do with how social media is really affecting all of us and it’s not the humans that are the problem and this is not a rant about social media being evil, I use it all the time.
Dr. Todd Rose is the co-founder and CEO of a think tank called Populace, and he's done some really interesting research about what he calls "collective illusions", basically, situations where most people in a group go along with a view they don't actually agree with because they incorrectly believe that most other people agree with it. And he estimates that up to 15% of all your interactions on social media are actually with bots. Not real people, bots. And in some estimates, it could be as high as 25% of interactions.
One out of every four who you assume are people that you might be interacting with online could be a bot. Not a real human with real thoughts and feelings and experiences, basically a program. Dr. Rose talks about these really sophisticated AI avatar bots that are like sleeper agents. They'll go into online communities, could be a gun club, could be a sports league, could be anything, and they'll interact normally for months or even years. They learn how the people in that community talk. They learn the language, the references, the in-jokes. And then when get activated for whatever reason they are there for, they suddenly start talking about political things or pushing certain agendas. And because you've been "talking" to this person (again air bunny quotes) for years about football or whatever, you trust them. You think they're part of your community. So when they start expressing opinions, you're more likely to think, "Well, if this person thinks this way, maybe other people in my community do too." And that's how collective illusions are created. And when you think about all that is going on in the world today, we need to really be cautious about who we are letting hijack our brains and our decision making.
So why do we fall for this? Why do we allow bots and social media manipulation work so well on us? It comes down to how our brains are wired, and it goes all the way back to our evolutionary history. Our brains evolved over hundreds of thousands of years to help us survive. And one of the most important survival mechanisms for early humans was being part of a group. If you were kicked out of your tribe back in caveman days, you died. It's that simple. You couldn't hunt alone, you couldn't defend yourself from predators alone, you couldn't survive the elements alone, you needed the tribe. So our brains developed this really strong bias toward conformity. We're wired to pay attention to what the group thinks and to align ourselves with the majority opinion. Because historically, going against the group could literally get you killed. This is called conformity bias, and it's deeply embedded in how our brains process information. When we perceive that most people around us believe something, our brains automatically start to shift toward that belief too. It's not because we're stupid or weak-willed. It's because for most of human history, this was a survival strategy that worked.
The problem is that we're not living in small tribes anymore. We're living in a world with social media, where the group we're exposed to isn't just the 50 or 100 people in our actual community. It's potentially thousands or millions of people, except many of them may not even be real people. They're bots designed to manipulate us. And our caveman brains don't know the difference. Our brains still use the same shortcut they always have: "What does the group think? Okay, I should probably think that too." Except now the group is being artificially manufactured by bots and algorithms and people with agendas.
Studies have shown that 80% of all content is created by just 10% of users, and those users tend to be the most extreme on almost every issue. So the people who are shouting the loudest are not representative of what most people actually think. But because they're loud and they're everywhere, our brains perceive them as the majority. And mainstream media doesn’t help because they report on what they're seeing on social media. "Let's report on what we're seeing on X" or "Here's what's trending on TikTok." And so these extreme minority views get amplified even more, and more people start to think, "I guess this is what everyone believes."
So let's connect this back to those "if you're really my friend" posts. Why do they exist? Who benefits from them? The main goal of a lot of social media manipulation is to get you to believe and think whatever agenda is being pushed. And the agendas being pushed are almost always about making someone money or gaining power or influence. Social media platforms make money from engagement. The more you click, the more you share, the more you comment, the more time you spend on the platform, the more ad revenue they generate. They don't care if you're engaging because you feel pressured or guilty or manipulated. They just care that you're engaging.
And those viral copy-paste posts? They're engagement bait. They're designed to make you feel like you have to share them to prove something. And every time you do, you're feeding the algorithm and making the platform more money. But what’s even worse is when you share these posts, you're not just proving your friendship or supporting a cause. You're also contributing to the collective illusion that everyone else is sharing them too. You're making other people feel like they have to share it too or they're bad people. And the cycle continues. And meanwhile, the real issues, the actual causes that need support, the real conversations we should be having, get lost in all this social media crap theater. And don’t get me wrong, I use social media every day and you may very well have seen this podcast on a social media post so I’m not saying it’s evil. I’m saying, pay attention to its use and who’s using it and make sure it’s not using you.
And then in real life or online, there’s pressure that’s disguised as love, there’s control that’s disguised as care. I’m talking about when someone uses the “well if you really love me, you’ll…” and they’re asking you to do something that’s harmful to you or not in line with your values. Or someone who tries to control you, what you wear, where you go, who you speak with and it’s “just because I care.” Any relationship that uses control or is transactional (you should do this because I did that) may not be based on true love but more manipulation, control or at the very least should be questioned and likely boundaries need to be put in place.
So what do you do when you feel pressured either on social media or in real life to do something you really don’t want to or care about doing? First, give yourself permission not to engage. You are not a bad friend for not sharing a post or for being pressured and not wanting to do it. Real friendship happens in real life with real back and forth conversation even when it’s messy, even when it’s hard to do. And remember those friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime? If you lose someone over being pressured, maybe they were there for a reason and you were supposed to learn something.
Second, if someone in your life is repeatedly posting these things and you sense they're actually struggling or needing support, reach out to them directly. Send them a text, call them. Ask them how they're really doing. These posts could be a cry for connection, so try really connecting.
Third, get really conscious about what you're consuming on social media. Remember that what you're seeing is not representative of reality. It's not representative of what most people actually think or believe ometimes. It could be a distorted funhouse mirror created by algorithms and bots and the most vocal extremes. It’s still really important to have offline conversations to counteract the distortion of social media. When you talk to real people in real life, you often discover that the things you thought "everyone" believed are actually not that common at all and those discussions can help open your mind to different opinions and thoughts to help both parties grow and learn understanding.
And finally, reflect on your own relationships. Are you holding onto friendships or relationships that have run their course? Are you trying to force connections with people who were meant to be in your life for a reason or a season, not a lifetime? Are you expecting people to show up for you in ways that don't match how they naturally express care or communicate like you do? Real friendship doesn't need to be tested, it doesn't need to be proven through social media posts. Real relationships require back and forth, care and feeding, listening and learning. They exist in the showing up, the checking in, the being there, the back and forth growth and deepening.
One of the hardest parts about all of this is learning to trust your own reactions and your own judgment when you're being pressured. Your resistance to manipulation isn't a character flaw. It's actually a sign of emotional health. It means you're paying attention to how things make you feel. It means you're not just going along with what everyone else seems to be doing, you're thinking for yourself. And in a world where 25% of interactions might be with bots, where algorithms are designed to manipulate your emotions and your behavior, where collective illusions are being manufactured all around you, thinking for yourself is more important than ever and especially as AI is so rapidly expanding. And as a side note about scams...if anyone asks you to provide your online banking name & password for any reason, any reason, it’s a scam. If anyone sends you money with instructions to do something else with it, it’s a scam. If anyone for any reason tells you to lie or not give the full story to your bank, it’s a scam. If they ask for gift cards or to use a crypto ATM with your own money, it’s a scam. Always, always, always, no exceptions. If anyone is using fear or urgency, stop and take a pause and speak to someone you trust in real life, a neighbor, a family member, your bank or financial advisor. And don’t feel like an idiot or be ashamed or be scared...these people do this for a living and they are really good at it so you need someone in real life on your side.
So the next time you see one of those "let's see who my real friends are" posts, or you feel like someone is pressuring you or trying to manipulate you online or in real life, take a breath. Notice how it makes you feel. And then make a conscious choice about how you want to respond. Maybe you choose not to engage at all. Maybe you reach out to the person to have a more honest, although maybe difficult, conversation. Whatever you do, do it because it feels right to you, not because you're trying to prove something or avoid being judged. Real friendship is more solid than that. It shows up in the ways that matter, in the moments that count, in the real and un-glamorous and offline parts of life.
So here's your challenge today, The next time you're scrolling through social media and you feel that pull to share something because you feel pressured to or maybe you’re at a party or in a relationship and being pressured to do something or act a certain way, pause and ask yourself "Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or am I doing this because I feel like I have to?" And then ask yourself "If I really care about this person, what's a more authentic way I could show up for them and remain authentic to myself?" Whatever that answer is, do that instead, because that is real and meaningful and honest. And if you lose friends because of that honesty, because you're not willing to play only by their rules, then maybe those weren't the right friendships for you anyway. The people who are meant to be in your life, for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime, they'll know your heart without you having to prove it on Facebook or any other way.
So no, I’m never going to share those posts, yes, I do still care about you but send me a text or call me if you have something important to say. Thank you for being here today. Thank you for thinking critically about this stuff. Thank you for being willing to question what you’re seeing and hearing all around you even if it seems harmless like these social media posts. Stay true to yourself as our online worlds continue to evolve, as we continue to show up for each other, let’s protect ourselves and each other, little by little and peace by peace.
