Stop Tolerating, Start Loving: Boundaries, Acceptance & Real Connection

 'I tolerate people who are different from me.' Sounds progressive, right? But what if that mindset is actually hurting everyone, including you? How do you move from tolerance, from how you treat others and how you allow others to treat you, to go deeper all the way to real love, real boundaries, and real connection? Is this something we all need more of in today’s world and if you agree, listen in.

Transcript

 'I tolerate people who are different from me.' Sounds progressive, right? But what if that mindset is actually hurting everyone, including you? How do you move from tolerance, from how you treat others and how you allow others to treat you, to go deeper all the way to real love, real boundaries, and real connection? Is this something we all need more of in today’s world and if you agree, listen in.

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 Welcome back or welcome for the first time, however you got I’m glad you pressed play today as we chat about something that I think is so important in the world today and that is the difference between tolerance and acceptance. And as you can tell from my voice, I’m tolerating a cold today, it’s the tail end of it so hopefully I don’t have to stop and start too much but that’s what editing is for. Tolerance and love and understanding. We're told to be tolerant of people who are different from us. We're praised for being tolerant. We teach our kids to be tolerant. And on the surface, that sounds good, right? But think about that, do you want to be tolerated? Do you want to just put up with you, someone to endure your presence, to grit their teeth and bear it when you're around? And on the flip side, do you want to teach your children to tolerate experiences and bad behavior just to keep the peace?
 
 Because that's what tolerance actually means. So today, I want to talk about how do we move past tolerance and get to the real end goal, which is not tolerance, it’s not even acceptance, it’s love and understanding of all the humans around us. But I also want to talk about what you should never tolerate, why there are some things and some people we absolutely should not tolerate, no matter what anyone tells us.
 
 Let's start with the dictionary definition of tolerance. According to most dictionaries, tolerance means "the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with." Or "the capacity to endure continued subjection to something." To endure. To put up with. To bear. To suffer through. These are not words of acceptance or of embrace and love. These are words of gritting your teeth and getting through something unpleasant. And yet, we've convinced ourselves that tolerance is this noble virtue. We've made it the baseline for how we treat people who are different from us, whether that's different in race, religion, sexual orientation, political beliefs, or anything else. We say, "I'm tolerant of gay people" or "I'm tolerant of immigrants" or "I'm tolerant of people who vote differently than me." But really when you say you tolerate someone, what you're actually saying is "I don't like you or agree with you, but I'll allow you to exist in my presence." That's not acceptance or respect, and it’s certainly not love or understanding.
 
 Recent research on this topic is fascinating. Psychologists have found that tolerance and acceptance are fundamentally different psychological states. Tolerance is what researchers call a "forbearance" mindset, you're essentially putting up with something you disapprove of. You're restraining yourself from interfering, but you're not actually accepting or embracing the difference. Acceptance, on the other hand, goes much deeper. Research shows that individuals with open personalities find it easier to accept and embrace differences, while those with more rigid personalities struggle with even basic tolerance. The key difference is that acceptance means embracing and valuing individuals regardless of their differences, while tolerance merely entails the willingness to endure differences without necessarily agreeing with or understanding them. And the final path is love and understanding where differences are no longer thought of as differences...just beautiful shades of light within humans trying to heal and exist however we can.
 
 Think about it in the context of relationships. If your partner said to you, "I tolerate you," how would you feel? You'd be hurt, right? Because what they're really saying is, "You're kind of annoying and difficult, but I guess I'll stick around anyway." But we do this to entire groups of people all the time. We pat ourselves on the back for being "tolerant" of LGBTQ+ people, or people of different religions, or people with disabilities. And we think we're being progressive. We think we're being good people.
 But what we're really doing is setting ourselves up as the standard, the norm, the default. We're saying, "I'm the baseline of acceptable, and you're different from me, so I have to work really hard to tolerate you." We're treating entire groups of human beings as something to be endured rather than celebrated. So if tolerance isn't the goal, what should be? The answer is acceptance, understanding, love, and even celebration.
 
 Acceptance means recognizing that someone's identity, beliefs, or way of being in the world is valid and valuable, even if it's different from yours. It means you don't just put up with the difference, you acknowledge it as a legitimate and equal way of existing. Understanding goes even further. It means you take the time to actually learn about why someone believes what they believe or lives how they live. You want to understand their perspective, their experiences, their truth. You don't just tolerate their existence, you become more empathetic and try to see the world through their eyes.
 
 And love and celebration? That means you actively recognize that diversity makes the world richer, more interesting, more vibrant. You don't just endure difference, you appreciate it and value it, you welcome it and search for those shades of light, those people with energy that feed you, help you grow and help you heal. These are the mindsets we should be teaching our kids. Not be tolerant of people who are different but be curious about people who are different, learn to understand them, and appreciate diversity. And when you truly appreciate, understand and care for someone, you don't have to work to tolerate them. They're not a burden you're bearing. They're just another human being, living their life, deserving the same respect and dignity as anyone else. I don’t remember who said this but I love this thought...when difference is accepted, then difference makes no difference at all.
 
 Okay, so that's one side of the tolerance problem, but there's another side to this that I think is equally important, maybe even more so for some people who are listening. And that is that there are some things and some people that we should absolutely not tolerate. And I'm talking about in our personal lives, in our relationships, at work, or any other way people treat us. Because somewhere along the way, we've gotten this message that being a good person, being loving, being compassionate means tolerating bad behavior. We think that if we love someone, we have to put up with their mistreatment. Or that setting boundaries is selfish, that standing up for ourselves is mean, that expecting decent treatment is asking too much. And that’s all complete BS.
 
 Let me be really clear about what I mean by bad behavior that you shouldn't tolerate. So for example:
 - Someone who constantly disrespects you
 - Someone who crosses your boundaries repeatedly after you've made them clear
 - Someone who lies to you, manipulates you, or gaslights you
 - Someone who tries to make you feel small, stupid, or worthless
 - Someone who uses you emotionally, financially, or in any other way, in person or online
 - Someone whose presence in your life consistently drains your energy and peace
 
 And yet, so many people tolerate these behaviors. Why do we, well there’s a few reasons:
 
 "But I love them." Yes, and love is important. But love should not require you to accept mistreatment. Real love is mutual and respectful. Real love might cause hurt, none of us are perfect, but real love doesn't hurt you over and over again. Remember that apologies without change are not true apologies, they’re manipulation.
 
 Another reason..."But they're family." So what? Being related to someone by blood or marriage doesn't give them a free pass to treat you badly. Family relationships should be held to even higher standards, not lower ones. Family should be cherishing you, not crushing you.
 
 "But they've been through a lot." Understanding why someone behaves badly is not the same as having to accept that behavior. You can have compassion for someone's struggles while still protecting yourself from their harmful actions. We are all going thru things but maybe now is not the time to be in their circle, you can support them from afar and wish them well and not join their circle until they’ve done more healing...or until you have.
 
 "But they might change." They might, but they also might not. And in the meantime, you're sacrificing your peace, your mental health, your sense of self-worth, waiting for a change that may never come. And remember, real change has to come from the person changing, not the one hoping or waiting for it. You can’t force someone else’s change, they have to come to it willingly. Scared or uncertain, but willingly.
 
 Research on toxic relationships is really clear. Chronic stress from manipulation, jealousy, or other toxic behaviors can trigger anxiety, depression, and sleep problems, and boundaries are essential for giving your nervous system space to recover. When you tolerate bad behavior, you're not just being nice or patient or understanding. You're actively harming your own mental and physical health. And here's something to realize and take in which is when you tolerate bad behavior, you're teaching the other person that their behavior is acceptable. You're showing them that they can treat you this way without consequences. And you're also teaching yourself that you don't deserve better. And no matter what you think about yourself or what you’ve done, you do deserve better.
 
 Now, I want to be really clear about something because I think this is where people get confused. Understanding someone's behavior is not the same as tolerating it. You can understand that your partner grew up in a chaotic household and learned unhealthy communication patterns. That understanding is compassionate and important. But understanding why they yell at you doesn't mean you have to tolerate being yelled at. You can understand that your parent has their own unresolved trauma and that's why they're critical and controlling. That's a valuable for you to undersarnd. But understanding their wounds doesn't mean they get to wound you. Understanding someone's personal history does not excuse abuse or disrespect, and you can enforce this without erasing yourself. Empathy and boundaries can coexist, and in fact, they have to coexist for relationships to be healthy.
 
 You're allowed to say, "I understand why you behave this way, but I also won't accept being treated this way. You can work on your issues, and I'll support you in that. But I won't be your punching bag while you figure it out." So what does it actually look like to stop tolerating bad behavior? It starts with getting really clear about what you will and won't accept. And this is where boundaries come in. A boundary is not about controlling the other person. It's about defining what you will accept in your life and what actions you'll take to protect yourself. For example:
 
 "I will not accept being yelled at. If you raise your voice at me, I will leave the room and we can talk when you've calmed down."
 
 "I will not accept being criticized in front of other people. If you do that, I will address it with you privately and if it continues, I might have to limit our time together."
 
 "I will not accept having my boundaries repeatedly crossed. If you continue to do X after I've asked you not to, I will need to reconsider whether this relationship is even working for me."
 
 Notice that these boundaries are about your actions, not theirs. You can't make someone stop yelling, but you can remove yourself from the situation. You can't force someone to respect you, but you can decide how much access they have to your life. Now many people simply will not respect your boundaries no matter how well you set or enforce them, and in situations like this, you have to be honest with yourself about whether you're willing to accept that the person is unlikely to change and it’s not your journey to force that change, that’s their journey. Sometimes the boundary has to be that you leave the relationship entirely. And I know that's scary and could be hard for all kinds of reasons that might feel impossible, financial reasons, family reasons, fear of being alone, worrying about what other people will think. But I want you to ask yourself, what is it costing you to stay? What is it doing to your mental health, your physical health, your sense of self, your ability to be present for the people and things you love? Because tolerating bad behavior for the sake of keeping the peace or maintaining the relationship or not rocking the boat, that's not peace, maybe for others but certainly not for you. 
 
 I think one of the biggest reasons people tolerate bad behavior is because they've been taught that protecting themselves is selfish. Especially women, we're taught to be accommodating, understanding, nurturing, forgiving. We're taught that our needs come second, that setting boundaries is harsh, that asking for respect is demanding. But let me say this loud and clear for everyone regardless of whether you’re man or woman or in between, protecting your peace is not selfish, it's essential. It's literally the foundation of being able to show up well for anyone else in your life. Think about it like the oxygen mask on an airplane. You have to put yours on first before you can help anyone else. Why? Because if you pass out from lack of oxygen, you're no good to anyone. The same is true for your emotional and mental well-being. When you tolerate bad behavior, when you allow yourself to be drained and depleted and disrespected, you have nothing left to give to the people who actually deserve your energy. You have nothing left for yourself. You're running on empty, trying to fill everyone else's cup while yours is bone dry. Setting boundaries, refusing to tolerate mistreatment, protecting your peace, these are acts of self-respect and when you respect yourself, you teach people how to respect you too.
 
 So let's connect these two threads, the idea that we shouldn't tolerate people who are different from us in the sense of just putting up with them, and the idea that we shouldn't tolerate bad behavior in our relationships. The common thread is that tolerance is a weak, passive, degrading state. It's not good for anyone involved. When we tolerate people who are different from us rather than truly accepting them, we're being passive and condescending. We're saying "I'll allow you to exist, but don't expect me to actually embrace or celebrate you." That's not good for them, and honestly, it's not good for us either. It keeps us closed off, limited, unable to experience all that comes from genuine diversity and connection.
 
 And when we tolerate bad behavior in our relationships, we're being passive and self-sacrificing in ways that ultimately hurt both people. We're saying "Your behavior is more important than my well-being," which isn't good for us. But it's also not good for them, because we're enabling their bad behavior and preventing them from facing consequences and doing their own growth. In both cases, we need to move from tolerance to acceptance when it comes to human diversity. And we need to move from tolerance to boundaries when it comes to bad behavior. And in both cases we are moving more towards love and understanding, of others and of ourselves. So how do you actually make these shifts in our lives?
 
 To move from tolerance to acceptance of people who are different, it starts with examining your language and your mindset. When you catch yourself thinking or saying that you "tolerate" a group of people, stop and ask, What am I actually saying here and then challenge yourself to go deeper. Learn about people who are different from you. We get there by talking and listening, really listening. Not trying to be right, but to be in understanding. Seek out their stories, their perspectives, their experiences. I might disagree with your opinion or your beliefs but I can’t disagree with your experience that makes you you...and if you believe something that truly goes against my beliefs, then us just talking and listening may open a door to a new way of thinking...on both sides. Again, not for anyone to be right, but to create more understanding.
 
 And then moving from tolerating bad behavior to setting firm boundaries, it also starts with awareness and challenging yourself to go deeper. Notice when you're putting up with things that make you feel bad. Notice when you're making excuses for someone's behavior, or when you're sacrificing your own peace to keep someone else comfortable. Then get clear about what your boundaries need to be. What behaviors will you no longer accept? What will you do if those boundaries are crossed? And most importantly, are you willing to follow through on those consequences, and that’s the hardest one of all is to keep your boundaries firm. This is where you test your own self love and self care, are you willing to keep yourself a priority. 
 
 This isn't easy work. Both of these shifts require us to challenge beliefs we've may have held for a long time. They require us to be braver, more honest, more willing to risk discomfort or conflict. But I promise you, it's worth it. So let’s start easy today. 
 
 First, pay attention to your language. When you catch yourself using the word "tolerant" – whether about groups of people or about behavior, stop and ask yourself if I'm just tolerating it, what would it look like to either fully accept it, or to set a boundary around it?
 
 Second, make a list. On one side, write down the things and people you've been tolerating in the sense of just enduring them, putting up with them, when you should actually be moving toward acceptance and understanding. On the other side, write down the behaviors and treatment you've been tolerating when you should be setting firm boundaries. Be really honest with yourself. And then pick one thing from each side and commit to making a change. Maybe that means educating yourself more about a group of people so you can move toward genuine acceptance. Maybe that means having a hard conversation with someone about a boundary you need to set.
 
 Start small but start somewhere. Because the word "tolerate" should not be the foundation of how we treat people or how we allow ourselves to be treated. We deserve better than to be tolerated. We deserve to be accepted, understood, loved, and celebrated. And we deserve to live in relationships where we're respected, where our boundaries are honored, where our peace is protected.
 
 Thank you for being here today. Thank you for being willing to challenge your language and relationships and what we're really accepting in our lives. I hope this episode gives you permission to stop tolerating, both in the sense of moving toward genuine acceptance of people's differences, and in the sense of setting firm boundaries for your own peace. And if it did, then please share it with someone else who needs to hear this. Share that they don't have to put up with being put up with. They don't have to endure being endured. They and you deserve so much more than that. We all do. We all deserve to be understood, as we all need to seek understanding. We all deserve to be loved as we all are meant to share love. So let’s stop tolerating and start loving, understanding and finding true and worthy connections, little by little and peace by peace.