When was the last time you finished something and genuinely thought, that's good enough? Or are you beating yourself up for not having done more, for not having done it better, more perfectly? Or so anxious about what others think that you keep re-doing it and it’s never finished? If that sounds like you or someone you know, listen in.
This podcast is always 20 minutes or less so youdon’t have to feel overwhelmed or overhaul everything in your life, but just make small, simple changes to create more calm and peace. To get to your better life, make small changes and begin to live it!
Welcome back, my friends, or welcome for the very first time. However you found your way here today, I am so glad you pressed play. Grab your coffee, find a comfortable spot, and let's just be here together for a little while. Today we're going to talk about something that I think touches almost every single one of us at some point, whether we realize it or not. We're talking about perfectionism. That relentless, exhausting, sneaky little voice that tells you that you're not quite there yet. That you need to do more, be more, look more put together, feel more balanced, produce more, achieve more, and somehow do all of it flawlessly.
And here's what I really want to explore today, because I don't just want to say "perfectionism is bad, stop doing it" because honestly, that's not helpful and also, if you're a perfectionist, you'd probably try to perfectly stop being a perfectionist, which is kind of the whole problem, isn't it?
Instead, I want to talk about what happens when we trade perfection for presence. When we stop reaching for some imaginary, ideal version of ourselves and we start actually showing up for the version of ourselves that's already here, right now. The one who's doing her best. The one who's figuring it out. The one who matters, right now, exactly as he or she is.
Because the present moment is where life actually happens. Not in the future when you've finally got it all together. Not when you've lost the weight or gotten the promotion or cleaned out the garage or finally feel like you have your act together. Right here. Right now. This is where your life is taking place. So let's talk about it. Let's talk about perfectionism, where it comes from, what it costs us, and how we can gently, compassionately begin to let it go.
Let's start at the beginning. What is this "ideal self" that so many of us are quietly, desperately trying to become? You know that person. They wake up early, without hitting snooze, exercises consistently and actually enjoys it. Their home is organized, inbox is manageable, relationships are thriving and wonderful. They handle stress with grace and never snap at the people they love. They alway says the right thing at the right time, confident but humble, ambitious but balanced. They are the version of you that always has it together. You know that person right? No? Well of course, not, because they don’t exist.
It’s a mirage. A beautifully constructed, very convincing mirage. And the cruel trick of a mirage is that it looks absolutely real from a distance. It looks like something you could actually reach if you just kept walking, kept trying, kept pushing. But the closer you get, the further away it moves. And you're left exhausted, thirsty, and wondering what is wrong with you that you still haven't arrived in that perfect version.
Psychologists have studied this extensively. There's actually a concept called the "ideal self" in psychology, rooted in the work of Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology. Rogers described the ideal self as the person we believe we should be, shaped by the expectations of others, by cultural messages, by the standards we've absorbed since childhood. And he noted that the greater the gap between our real self, who we actually are right now, and our ideal self of who we think we should be, the bigger that gap, the more psychological distress we experience. In other words, the harder we chase perfection, the worse we feel about ourselves. And yet we keep chasing.
Why? Because we live in a world that rewards the performance of having it together. Social media is all highlight reels, not the blooper reels. We're surrounded by carefully curated images of other people's best moments, their cleanest kitchens, their most photogenic meals, their proudest achievements, and our brains, being the pattern-recognizing machines they are, start to believe that this is just how other people live. That everyone else has figured this out except us. And the secret is...they don’t. No one has it all figured out.
We carry messages from childhood about what it means to be good enough. Maybe you grew up in a household where love felt conditional, where praise only came when you performed well, where making mistakes meant disappointment. Maybe you had a parent who modeled perfectionism, who couldn't sit still, who always needed the house to be spotless or the plan to be airtight from their own childhood trauma and wounds. Maybe you were the kid who got straight A's and somewhere along the way you became the person who gets everything right, and the thought of anything less feels terrifying.
Or maybe perfectionism crept in more quietly. Through years of comparing yourself to others. Through a culture that praises productivity above all else. Through the very human desire to be loved and accepted and seen as worthy. However it got there, perfectionism has a way of planting itself deep. And it disguises itself really well. Because on the outside, perfectionism can look like ambition. Like high standards. Like caring deeply about the quality of your work and your life. And those things aren't bad. Caring matters and standards matter. Ambition can be beautiful and wonderful and move you toward the life that you want.
But there's a difference between healthy striving and perfectionism. Healthy striving says, "I want to do my best and I'm okay when my best isn't perfect." Perfectionism says, "Unless it's perfect, it's not good enough. And if it's not good enough, then I'm not good enough." Do you see the difference? One leaves room for your humanity. The other slowly suffocates it.
Let's talk about the price tag because perfectionism isn't free. It costs us something real, something significant, quite a few things in fact.
First, perfectionism costs us the present moment. When we're constantly measuring where we are against where we think we should be, we can't actually be here. We can't enjoy the walk because we're thinking about how we should be running. We can't savor the meal we cooked because we're documenting everything we'd do differently next time. We can't be fully present in a conversation because we're monitoring how we're coming across, what everybody’s thinking. We're always somewhere else, in the future where things will be better, or in the past cringing over something we said or did.
Perfectionism whispers, "You're not there yet." But presence reminds us, "You're here now." And here is where the good stuff is. Here is where your kids are growing up. Here is where your friendships deepen. Here is where your own life is actually happening, while you're distracted by an imaginary future version of yourself who has everything figured out which as we already said, no one has it all figured out including that imaginary future you.
Second, perfectionism costs us creativity and courage. When we need everything to be perfect before we begin, we often don't begin at all. We don't write the book because we're afraid it won't be good enough. We don't start the business because we haven't figured out every detail. We don't share our ideas because what if someone thinks they're stupid? We don't ask for help because we're supposed to have it together. Perfectionism is one of the most effective forms of self-sabotage that exists, because it dresses itself up as high standards while quietly keeping us small and stuck.
There's actually research from Dr. Brené Brown, whose work on vulnerability and shame has changed so many lives, that shows perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. It's a defensive move, it’s a shield. We think, "If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can minimize the chance of being criticized or judged." But the painful irony is that perfectionism doesn't protect us from judgment. It just keeps us from living fully while we wait for safety that never comes.
Third, perfectionism costs us our relationships. When we hold ourselves to impossible standards, we often hold the people we love to those same standards. We become critical when our partners do things differently than we would. We get frustrated when our kids are messy or imperfect or just beautifully, normally human. We become so focused on performing well in our relationships that we forget to just be in them. Real intimacy, the kind that feeds your soul, requires showing up as your real, imperfect self and perfectionism makes that terrifying.
And fourth is that perfectionism costs us our relationship with ourselves. When you are constantly measuring yourself against an ideal you can never reach, when every mistake becomes evidence of your inadequacy, when rest feels like laziness and good enough never actually feels good enough, you are living in a state of chronic low-grade self-rejection. And that is exhausting in a way that sleep doesn't fix. It's a soul-level exhaustion that comes from never feeling at home in your own skin, from never being able to be your true self.
So what do we do with all of this? How do we actually begin to loosen perfectionism's grip and move toward something healthier and more sustainable? Let’s be clear about one thing first: letting go of perfection does not mean letting go of caring. It doesn't mean you stop trying or stop growing or stop wanting things to be good. It means you shift your focus. Instead of trying to be impressive, you practice being real. Instead of performing your life, you start living it. Instead of waiting to be the ideal version of yourself before you allow yourself to feel worthy, you practice feeling worthy right now, in this body, in this season, with this mess and these struggles and this beautiful, imperfect, one-of-a-kind life.
And that shift, from perfection to presence, is one of the most profound acts of self-love available to us. So let’s thinking about some gentle reframes, they are small but powerful. Language shapes thought, and thought shapes how we experience our lives so it’s so important for the words you use with yourself be caring and loving.
Instead of "I need to be the best," try "I just want to be true to myself.""Being the best" is comparative and it requires someone else to be worse than you. "Being true to myself" is its own complete thing. It doesn't need a comparison. It just needs you.
Instead of "I have to get this right," try "It's okay to figure it out as I go." Because honestly? Most of life is figuring it out as you go. There is no handbook. There is no perfect roadmap. Every single person you admire, every person who looks like they have it together, is also figuring it out as they go. The difference is that some people have given themselves permission to live fully in the process, and some haven't yet.
Instead of saying "I failed," try "I learned something new." This isn’t pretending the failure didn't hurt or didn't matter. It's choosing to find the value in it rather than using it as more ammunition against yourself. Failure is not the opposite of success. In fact it’s part of the path to it. Every single time.
And instead of "I'm not there yet," try "I'm here now." Because where you are right now is not a waiting room. It's not a rehearsal. It's your actual life. And it deserves your presence, your attention, your care, not just the leftover scraps of attention that remain after you've spent all your energy wishing things were different.
So let's get practical with four ways to start shifting from perfection to presence, starting today.
First, when you hear the word "should," pause and ask, "Who told me that?" "I should be further along by now." "I should have more energy." "I should be handling this better." The word "should" is almost always a red flag that perfectionism is talking. And the question "who told me that?" is genuinely powerful because most of the time, when you trace it back, the source is not usually you. It's a parent's voice. A cultural message. A comparison to someone whose behind-the-scenes you know nothing about. A standard you absorbed years ago that may have made sense then but doesn't serve you now. When you identify the source, you get to decide whether that voice deserves the power that you’ve been giving it. Most times it doesn’t.
Second, do one thing imperfectly this week on purpose. This sounds almost too simple, but I promise you it is not. Send an email without rereading it four times. Cook a meal and don't worry if it's Instagram-worthy. Go for a walk and don't track it on any app. Write in a journal without editing your own thoughts. Let a room in your house be messy for a whole day. The point is to practice tolerating imperfection in low-stakes situations so that when the higher-stakes moments come, you have a little more muscle memory for surviving imperfection and discovering, maybe even being surprised by the fact, that everything is still okay. You are still okay.
Third, build one daily check-in moment. Pick a time, maybe first thing in the morning, maybe during your lunch break, maybe right before bed and spend just two or three minutes asking yourself these three questions: What do I see right now? What do I hear right now? What do I feel right now in my body, in my heart? This is a simple mindfulness practice, and the research behind it is profound. When we anchor ourselves in the present sensory experience, we interrupt the mental loop of comparison and self-criticism. We come back to the body. We come back to this moment. And this moment, even if it's quiet and ordinary it’s eal, and it’s yours.
And fourth, when you make a mistake, speak to yourself like a friend. This one is probably the hardest of all. Because most of us, if we're being honest, speak to ourselves in ways we would never, ever speak to someone we love. We are harsh and critical and merciless in ways that would horrify us if we directed those same words at a friend. So the practice is when you mess up, and you will, because you’re human and humans mess up, pause before the inner critic goes to work, and ask yourself, "What would I say to my best friend right now if this had happened to her?" And then say that to yourself instead. "That was a hard moment. You did your best. You're still worthy. You're going to be okay." Say it even if you don't fully believe it yet. Say it especially when you don't fully believe it yet. Because the way we speak to ourselves becomes the foundation of how we feel about ourselves. And you deserve a foundation built on compassion, not criticism.
I want to close today with something that I need you to really hear. You do not have to become your ideal self to live a meaningful life. Again, you do not have to become your ideal self to live a meaningful life and in fact can’t become that ideal self and probably don’t want to because that’s not who you really are.
The meaningful life is not waiting for you on the other side of having it all figured out. It's not going to begin when you've achieved the goal or fixed the flaw or become the version of yourself you've been trying to become. The meaningful life is this one. The one you're already living. The one full of mess and beauty and trying and failing and getting back up and laughing unexpectedly and crying in the car and loving people imperfectly and being loved imperfectly and growing slowly, sometimes invisibly, but always, always growing. Perfection is exhausting. Presence is nourishing. And you are allowed to choose nourishment.
You’re allowed to rest without earning it. You’re allowed to feel joy even when things aren't perfect. You’re allowed to be proud of yourself for the effort, not just the outcome. You’re allowed to be a work in progress and still be completely, wholly worthy of love, your own love most of all. Self love is not a reward you get after you've fixed everything. It's the foundation you build so that you have the strength and the safety to grow. You don't love yourself because you've become perfect. You love yourself so that you have something solid to stand on while you're becoming whatever it is that you need to become.
So today, I'm asking you to do just one thing. Just one. Put down the measuring stick. Not forever if that feels too scary. Just for today. Just for this hour. Just for the next few minutes if that's all you can manage. Put down the measuring stick and instead, just be here. Look around at your actual life. The imperfect, sometimes chaotic, deeply human, irreplaceable life that is yours and only yours. Say out loud, it is enough. Say out loud I am enough. Right now, in this moment, as I am.
Thank you so much for being here today. Thank you for giving yourself this time, this space, this permission to think about how you're treating yourself and whether there might be a kinder, softer, more present way to live. I hope something from today stayed with you. I hope it gives you a little more grace for yourself this week.
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs to hear that they are enough and that you love them just as they are now, not when they’re perfect, now. Because we all need that reminder sometimes, and maybe the best thing we can do for each other is pass along these reminders to care for each other, to for care for ourselves and give ourselves more grace and kindness every day, little by little and peace by peace.
