Piece Of Mind Podcast

Ep 10: Are You Showing Yourself Compassion, or Making Excuses?

• Ashley Badman • Episode 10

Share episode

We’re diving into some big topics that challenge the way we think and grow.

First up: can showing yourself compassion actually make you complacent? We talk about how to find the balance between being kind to yourself and still holding yourself accountable, so you can move forward without falling into a victim mentality. It’s about replacing self-criticism and shame with compassion, while staying honest and taking action to create real change.

Next, I break down The Perfect Wife on Disney Plus. I share my thoughts on the documentary, exploring how a desire for attention (even when we don’t admit it) can lead to extreme behavior, and whether childhood trauma played a part in the story. It’s an interesting one to unpack, especially from a mindset perspective.

We wrap up with a conversation on whether we’ve become too sensitive or “too woke” as a society. Does constantly over-analysing everything hold us back from being our best selves? Do we need to stop taking things so personally? We dig into this idea, tying it back to social media, the body-positive movement, parenting and healing from trauma.

This episode is an open, honest discussion about mindset, behavior, and how we show up in the world.

Enjoy and if you like it, don't forget to leave a rating.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Peace of Mind the podcast. This is all about piecing together the parts of your mind so that you can live a life that is authentic, unapologetic and actually fulfilling. I'm your host, ashley Badman, and I'm here to help you get real with yourself, embrace who you truly are and unleash your fullest potential. Get ready for a no bullshit, straight talk and a little chaos, because I'm here to give you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. So let's go. Hello and welcome back to the Peace of Mind podcast. I told you, guys, I was going to be consistent and I am really trying to be consistent. We're actually going to cover a few things in today's episode. I want to keep it a little bit fast-paced, a little bit change of topic. Usually, how I do episodes is we stick to one topic, we have a conversation about one thing, and today I'm just feeling like there is a couple of things that I want to chat about, and some of them are a little bit more light-hearted, which I am I'm super excited about. I feel like it's really conversational type vibe. So the first thing I want to say is whoever listened to my last episode, whoever is continuing to tune into this podcast. I really really do appreciate you If you are listening to this podcast and you are coming back for more and you are enjoying it, and only if you're enjoying it. I would really appreciate if you just go to the top of the little page that you're on right now. I think it's on this page. I actually have no idea. But basically what I'm saying, if you're enjoying the podcast, can you leave a rating? I see there are six of you who have left a five-star rating so far. Whoever you six are, I can't actually see, but I appreciate you. I am so grateful for all of you who take the time to listen, but for those of you that take the time to actually go leave a rating, you have a very special place in my heart. So if you are listening and you haven't left a rating just yet, can you please do so? All you have to do is click on the stars. You don't have to write anything. You don't have to leave a review. You just click on the stars, and I'm only asking you to do it if you actually enjoy the podcast, which, if you are here, I'm assuming, or I'm hoping, that you actually do enjoy the podcast.

Speaker 1:

So the first thing that we're going to be talking about today is do we confuse compassion with complacency? So I am a big advocate for compassion. I did a whole certification this year, last year, this year, on compassion focused coaching and it went a lot into trauma, understanding trauma. It went a lot into, like, the origins of compassion, what compassion actually is, what it means and where we as humans usually lack compassion, and mostly for ourselves. A lot of people well, not everyone, but a lot of people can quite naturally have compassion for the people around them, whether it be friend, family, whether it even be a stranger that they don't know. It's a lot easier for us to have compassion for people outside of ourselves and then, when it comes to ourselves, we're actually usually our own worst critics. We actually judge ourselves more harshly than anybody outside of ourselves would ever judge us. If you think about some of the things that you say to yourself, some of the things that you think about yourself, the words that you use when you are struggling, when you have failed, when you have made a mistake, you would likely not use those words to describe somebody else, or you would not use those words to actually speak them to somebody else, and it's quite interesting to realize that of being like, wow, okay, I actually would never use those words. If someone came to me with this exact problem, I would never actually speak to them to the way that I speak to myself. So that's kind of where compassion and the conversation around compassion is really, really important, because without compassion we stay stuck in the same loop. We actually cannot grow, we cannot evolve, we cannot create positive change in our life if we are treating ourselves like shit because we stay in shame.

Speaker 1:

And how I kind of like to view it is like shame can be. Sometimes it feels like it's in the darkness. Right, we usually hold shame within our own mind. Other people don't really hear how shitty we talk to ourselves, or most of the time it's usually quite an inner thing. So it's in the darkness and compassion is really shining light on that shame. And when we shine light on something, it can no longer be in the darkness, and when something's not in the darkness, it no longer continues to grow and breed and get worse. So compassion allows us to really remove that shame and once that shame is removed, we can actually be like, okay, cool, like what can I actually do to improve my life? Now that I'm not judging myself, now that majority of my thoughts and my capacity and my energy isn't taken up by talking to myself like shit, what can I actually do to improve and better my life? How can I get myself out of this victim mentality of feeling that I am completely out of control? And that's really what victim mentality is.

Speaker 1:

I think people can get confused when people are like you know, you shouldn't be a victim to your life. It can feel really harsh. It can feel like people are saying you can't experience the feelings of being a victim and of course you can. The majority of people in their lifetime I would say actually every single person in their lifetime will at some point feel a victim to either their life, to their circumstances, to something that has happened to them. And a lot of people do experience horrible things where it is completely understandable that they feel like a victim to their circumstances.

Speaker 1:

But that's not what victim mentality is.

Speaker 1:

It's not saying that you can't feel shitty about the things that have happened to you. It's saying I no longer want this thing to be the controller of my life. I no longer want this thing that has happened to me or these many things that have happened to me, to dictate who I am, what I've become, what I do with my life, and victim mentality. Is really that feeling of helplessness that everything is happening to you? Is really that feeling of helplessness that everything is happening to you, the world hates you, all the bad things happen to you. You are so unlucky and there is literally nothing that you can do and you stay stuck in, either judging yourself, fearing judgment from others, feeling really helpless, feeling out of control, feeling there's nothing that you can do, and kind of going through loops of self-sabotage and self-loathing. That really keeps us stuck. So we don't want to confuse the two. You can be a victim to your circumstances without allowing your circumstances to dictate the rest of your life, dictate how you feel about yourself and really dictate what you do, what you achieve and really achieving what you're truly fucking capable of.

Speaker 1:

Because I truly believe, like really to my core, that humans are a lot more capable of achieving, a lot more that we don't even allow ourselves to see because of our own mind. So I just wanted to clear that up. And then that's where compassion is really important, because I don't want anybody hating themselves. It's not beneficial, it's not productive, it feels like shit. It sinks us further into that shitty victim mentality that nobody wants to be in.

Speaker 1:

However, the question here is have we taken it too far? Do we take compassion so far that we're like, oh well, I don't feel like it and I want to be kind to myself and it makes it hard for us to actually take accountability and responsibility for our own actions. Does having too much compassion block us from actually seeing our own shit and being able to work through it? And what I mean by that is a lot of people are unable to be completely self-aware, and by self-awareness I mean really able to see your role in things, really able to see where you keep yourself stuck, where it's your patterns, or even in relationships. Sometimes it's easier to project onto the person that it's their fault, it's their problem, they're not communicating well, they're not the one talking about the things that they need to be talking about. They have all of these problems that they haven't worked through that we don't look at. Wait, am I communicating well? Am I attacking them? Am I actually actively listening to them? Like it's really hard for us to look within, because the moment we do, we start to shame and judge ourselves, we start to be mean to ourselves, whereas real self-awareness and real compassion isn't about never looking at the things that we need to take accountability and responsibility for. It's being able to look at them and actually remain neutral. And by neutral all I mean is not being an asshole to yourself, being able to be like. You know what? I actually don't communicate really well with my partner. I actually expect all of this of him and I expect him to change and I expect him to get it and I expect him to understand, but I never actually listen to him, I never actually try and hear his perspective. And this is just an example.

Speaker 1:

Obviously, there is going to be so many different things. Maybe it's your self-sabotage, your chances at building your dream life when it comes to running a business or career or friendships, or weight loss goals or health goals. It could be absolutely anything. But as soon as we kind of look within and you can kind of feel this for yourself and think about it for yourself, when you start to realize that you are maybe part of the problem, how quickly do you then go? Well, something's wrong with me. What's wrong with me? I hate myself. Why am I like this?

Speaker 1:

I'm never going to change and we go into kind of like a spiral of feeling really shit about ourselves and of course, that doesn't feel good and our ego is like, well, we don't like this, this doesn't feel good. So we don't ever really want to look internal. We don't really want to have that incredible self-awareness, not just of the good things about ourselves, but maybe the things that we need to work on, because we know it is going to be met with so much hate and judgment and shame, so we don't want to look at it, whereas what we want to practice is being able to look at the things within ourselves look at where we block ourselves, look at where we don't take action, look at where we make excuses, look at where we justify, look at where we get defensive, look at where we try and blame everything outside of ourselves for why we're not achieving what we want to achieve or why we're not living the life that we want to live, and being able to ask ourselves what part am I playing in this? What am I doing that's actually contributing to this very problem that I don't like? And bonus points, if I can look at it without being mean to myself, that is compassion.

Speaker 1:

But the conversation today is and I teach compassion. I teach it. It's a big focus of all of my teachings, in everything that I do, and I'm even starting to think this for myself of how can I really teach compassion without fueling people's complacency. And what I mean by that is sometimes we can be so compassionate to ourselves that we never actually create change. And I don't mean that sometimes we can be so compassionate to ourselves that we never actually create change. And I don't mean that we have to be super harsh on ourselves and really mean all the time. That's literally the opposite of what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 1:

But sometimes we do need a little bit of and I don't even know if I like the word but sometimes we do need a little bit of tough love to be like yeah, I'm self-sabotaging, yeah, I'm doing this and I need to get a handle of it, and I need to be the one to actually do the thing Instead of being, oh, I'm always self-sabotaging. Why am I like this? I'm never going to change. I've self-sabotaged my whole life. I thought I'd fixed it and now I keep doing it. That is a shame pit.

Speaker 1:

We want to have the compassion of like oh, I'm self-sabotaging again. I know this protective mechanism, because that's what patterns are. They're trying to protect us from something, some wound, some fear, something beneath the surface, and we don't even need to know what it is. We just need to acknowledge that we're trying to protect something and be like okay, you know what I'm going to actually do the thing anyway. I'm going to do it through the fear, I'm going to do it through the resistance, because that's what self-sabotage feels like, that's what perfectionism feels like, that's what all or nothing mindset feels like. It feels like a resistance, like I can't do this, I can't show up for myself, and it feels harder. And it feels harder because it actually is harder.

Speaker 1:

But no one reaches their goals, no one creates fundamental change in the way that they think, in the way that they behave, in the way that they react, in what they achieve in their life, without some sort of resistance. And that resistance is our comfort zone. That resistance is the very thing building a wall around us to be like stay in this comfort zone, don't choose differently, don't do differently, because this feels too new for us. New, feels risky, we don't know the outcome. So then we're not going to do the thing and we have to kind of force ourselves to push through that resistance, to push ourselves into our discomfort zone, and that is where we actually create that change.

Speaker 1:

So, yes, we need compassion, but at the same time, we don't want to be so compassionate to ourselves that we become complacent and we never take action and we never do the thing and we're constantly trying to be so nice to ourselves that we don't actually be accountable to ourselves. So the question then is, if you are listening to this, can you be someone who is honest with themselves, like deeply honest and when I say the word honest, people assume it's talking more about lying, like I don't lie, I'm not a person that lies, I guarantee you. I guarantee you you are lying to yourself when you say that, which that in itself is a lie, because we do do that, our ego does that, we want to protect ourselves. So we kind of tell little white lies and all those different things, and we don't want to come down harsh on ourselves because we're trying to be compassionate to ourselves. But can you be really honest with yourself? Look at your life and not look at what your partner's doing in it, what you know, external circumstances, your parents, your upbringing, friends, family, whatever it is Can you look at you and your life and your actions and what you're currently doing and be completely honest about how you are contributing to that circumstance, whether it's not making the decision to actually help yourself, get help? Maybe it's go to a psychologist. Maybe it's sign up to programs like mindset coaching, like my programs I have so many that actually help people. And this is not a cheeky plug. It's saying we have so many resources out there, even free things, you don't even have to join my programs, listen to my podcast, listen to other podcasts. And this kind of brings me into my other conversation, because I was going to say read books and all those different things.

Speaker 1:

The other thing that I think gets people stuck in complacency is always trying to be focused on healing rather than focused on moving forward and making decisions for your present self and your future self. Sometimes we can want to listen to too many podcasts and read too many books and really focus. We bog ourselves down in I need to heal more, I need to fix myself more, I need to find the next problem because I need to fix it, and we can get so trapped in this rabbit hole of healing that we keep digging deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper and deeper, thinking that the answer is going to be down there and the answer is going to fix everything and our life is going to be better. But the answer is not down there, in this rabbit hole of more books and more podcasts and more learning. It more podcasts and more learning it is in the action that you choose to take. It is in the compassion that you choose to have for yourself whilst taking that accountability and that responsibility to move yourself forward.

Speaker 1:

And I feel so passionately about this because I really, really try to make sure I'm not contributing to the problem, and the problem being that personal development and the mindset coaching world and all of these different things can contribute to the problem in keeping us stuck in this loop of always trying to heal ourselves and always trying to fix things. And obviously I am a mindset coach. So I do truly believe in the power of understanding our mind and understanding ourselves and making decisions that are going to benefit us, because I believe we, like I said at the start, we are truly all of us. Every single person is capable of so much more than we are currently allowing ourselves to achieve. However, I also believe that we can get caught in a trap of always trying to figure out what's wrong with us, always trying to fix it, always trying to do a new modality, and I sometimes do think that that can keep us stuck, especially with inner child work.

Speaker 1:

The way that I teach inner child work and I have to be very mindful of this is looking back at the past and figuring out where your parents maybe fucked you up, where your childhood didn't serve you, where it's created all these patterns and beliefs and who you are now that don't serve you. What we have to do is not get stuck in blame. What we have to do is not get stuck in the past and then allow it to stop us from being the person that we want to be today and using it as an excuse and a reason. Well, I lack confidence because my mom said X, y, z. I lack the ability to lose weight because my mom had a poor relationship with food or whatever it is, and I had a traumatic childhood. I had an alcoholic father, I was exposed to addiction, drug addiction, all of these different things, and whilst it is good for me to be able to be like, oh yeah, okay, so it makes sense that I have abandonment issues. It makes sense that I have an anxious attachment in relationships. It makes sense that I struggle to believe in myself or back myself or dah, dah, dah, dah, all of the things.

Speaker 1:

But it doesn't mean that I'm like, well, I blame that person, I blame this person. I need to figure out why. I need to figure out the exact moment that that happened. I need to figure out this because that keeps us trapped. It's being like it makes sense, I get it, it sucks that that's happened.

Speaker 1:

I get to feel how I need to feel maybe angry, frustrated, mad, sad, emotional, grieving, all of those different things that you are likely going to go through. But then where I think we go wrong is we're like well, now I'm going to sign up to breathwork to get that bit of trauma out. And now I'm going to sign up to breathwork to get that bit of trauma out. And now I'm going to sign up to the next modality to get that bit of trauma out. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with modalities and I'm not bashing any of these things. I'm just saying we have to be really, really mindful of where we're constantly seeking the removal of our past rather than focusing on how powerful we are in choosing our future. You are giving your power away to your the things that have happened to you, rather than seeing your innate power within to choose differently and show up for yourself. So that's that conversation. I hope that's really helpful. I really do. I hope that really shows you that, no matter what has happened to you, no matter what you have experienced, you are capable of building an amazing life. But please don't get caught in the trap of complacency and not taking accountability and getting stuck in the past, where you don't focus enough on who you are today, who you are becoming and what you need to do in this moment to be the person that you know that you are.

Speaker 1:

Okay, the next thing that we're going to talk about is a show that I have watched. If you haven't watched it, maybe skip past this next few bits if you want to watch it, because I might give away some spoiler alerts. Actually, I really will. I so skip past it if you want to actually go watch the show. Or you can still listen to this and you can still watch the show and you're still probably going to enjoy it.

Speaker 1:

But I really want to bring in some more conversations like this, because I love watching docos. I love sport docos, crime docos, animal docos. I just love documentaries and I love shows. Right, I just love. I love watching a good show, whether it's Love Island actually, I've never watched Love Island, what do I watch? Love is Blind. Oh my god, love is Blind, uk. I actually really freaking enjoy it and I love like analyzing it from the mindset perspective. I'm like, oh, that girl she has some fucking anxious attachment issues, like it's so fun for me to do that. Like it actually is is so fun. But I also love things like the originals and vampire diaries, like I have such a wide variety of things that I enjoy watching. And I'm like, oh, I need to talk about these shows with my people, which is you guys.

Speaker 1:

So if you haven't already and you want to go watch, or if you have already watched and you are going to enjoy this conversation the show called the Perfect Wife. So I'm going to give you a really brief rundown. It's three parts. It is an actual documentary, so it's not like a reenactment or any of those things. It's a documentary with the actual people involved talking, which I love that because I'm like tell me everything. I want to know what you were thinking. I want to know from your perspective Like I find it so fascinating. You know, there's the shows like the one about Ted Bundy and the one about Jeffrey Dahmer and all those things, and they're not documentaries, they're explaining a real life situation that has occurred, but they're doing it from like a reenactment and there's actors and all those different things. I don't think they're bad, but I really do enjoy when it's actually the real life people.

Speaker 1:

So basically what happens is these people they get married, they meet when they're pretty, pretty young and she is like this perfect, perfect wife, as the title would tell us. She is really petite, she's really small and she's like got long, really long blonde hair, she's got big blue eyes. She's quite beautiful. They end up having children together and people are nicknaming her super mom because she's just so good at being a mom, was made for this. And then problems start to be brought to our attention and how the show actually really it's edited, obviously. So we have to remember these things when it comes to any types of shows. That it's edited to make you think what is happening, like it wants to kind of draw your attention to one thing so you come to a conclusion and then it can kind of be like, nope, that wasn't actually it.

Speaker 1:

So the start of this show is really kind of pushing us in the in the direction that something is wrong with the husband. They make him look really creepy. They say that she's been saying things to her friends that he beats her up. He's given her a black eye before. He said that if she left he she would. He would kill her and chop her into tiny pieces. So fucked up. Like I can't even imagine saying that about someone who hasn't actually said those things. It's kind of like giving Gone Girl.

Speaker 1:

So if you've seen Gone Girl where she fakes her own kidnapping and like literally mutate, mutilate, mutate, mutilates her body herself, which is so fucked up. That is kind of what happens in this. So she goes missing and the husband's doing like all of the crying on TV and you know all of the news broadcast and people like it, it's him. He's fucking kidnapped her, he's killed her, he's doing that thing where he's trying to make himself look innocent. And I was fully about that. I was like, oh my God, what a creepy fucking husband Like I'm, like he looks like a creep. Turns out he actually wasn't. And it's so interesting when you get to the end of the doco and you realize what's happened, he doesn't look creepy anymore. So it's so funny where we can think their appearance looks creepy because we've made up our mind about what they've done, but when we realize it's not what they've done, they don't look creepy, they look like a normal person.

Speaker 1:

Basically, what happened? She contacted an ex-boyfriend. So she's been married to this her husband for quite some time. They have two children together. She's 34 years old. They own their house, like all these things. She contacts her ex-boyfriend from when she was a lot younger, gets him to come pick her up. He lives nine hours away. She throws her phone on the ground and her headphones and she basically stages it to look like she has been kidnapped.

Speaker 1:

Her family thinks she's basically dead because it's been 22 days and we all know these things, we see them in the media. When someone, especially a female especially this is in America has been taken and you haven't found them for many, many days, it is usually becoming a search for their body. So her family kind of grieving her. Her kids are very distressed, her husband's super distressed and she is missing for 22 days. That's a long ass fucking time to be missing. She ends up showing up on the side of the road wrapped in chains and she has some intense injuries, like she is bruised, battered, she's skinny, she's in chains, she has the word Exodus burnt branding on her back, like it is quite an intense thing to see. Anyways, it goes by for years and years, and years.

Speaker 1:

She's starting to say that these two hispanic people kidnapped her, these women. It goes on for years. Her husband doesn't know if he believes her or not believes her. And it wasn't until 2022 so this happened, I think in 2015 or I'm going to be completely off with that, but it happened a very long time ago that it comes out that she contacted the ex-boyfriend. She got him to take her to his house, board up his bedroom windows and basically over the course of 22 days, she watched on her phone the news of everyone looking for her, like she was getting some satisfaction that people cared about her. People were looking for her, people were crying for her and she was watching it. And then she got her ex, her ex-boyfriend, this boyfriend, to injure her and take part in burning these words into her back um, hitting her with a puck from a hockey stick, like just really bruising her up and she chose to stop eating and all those different things, and then she asked him to release her and then she went on this whole story that she was kidnapped and da da da.

Speaker 1:

So many resources went into looking for police resources. There was a whole racist thing because people started to turn against Hispanic people because they thought that they couldn't be safe because they kidnapped this innocent, white, beautiful woman and all these different things. And it was a hoax. She kidnapped herself and her husband literally was not involved at all. He had no idea, although he suspected, because there was just a few things along the way, so you should watch it. He had no idea, although he suspected, because there was just a few things along the way, so you should watch it. He had no idea that she had done that.

Speaker 1:

And me, watching it from a lens of, like I'm doing my psychology degree at the moment, I'm obviously obsessed with mindset, I'm obsessed with human behavior, I'm obsessed with why we do the things that we do. So she had apparently had quite a traumatic childhood. So there was some abuse there, but again, how we don't really know because she lies about a lot of things. But her parents were, you know, into drugs and alcohol and all these different things, and her sister had said that she usually does like to exaggerate things because she likes attention. And it was just such a mind-blowing thing to watch that if someone has gone through a lot of trauma in their childhood and they don't actually ever get it addressed and they don't get it acknowledged and they don't ever actually look at it or heal from it or learn how to move forward or learn how to actually just release that from their body, whatever it actually is, this need for attention can become so strong, this need to feel loved, to feel wanted, can become so strong that has led her to fake her own abduction to allow herself to feel completely loved. Now, look, I don't believe that is the full reason. I believe that you have to be all types of things going on up in your mind that she probably needs to be diagnosed and see a psychiatrist and work through a lot of things to actually go to that extreme of doing that.

Speaker 1:

But I do think it is fascinating to see the role that trauma can play on these big, crazy decisions that we can make in our adulthood life. Now I don't think childhood trauma is the main thing here. I think it is a contributor. But I also think that sometimes we can go too far with that. In saying that if our childhood was shit, we become this. If the person had a bad childhood, it kind of explains why they're doing what they're doing.

Speaker 1:

And I think there is pros and cons to kind of saying this, because sometimes it can give people a free pass to be like well, my childhood was shit, so now I do this, and not with such big things like faking your own fucking kidnapping, which is insane. Also, I'd be such a little bitch If I was to fake my own kidnapping. I would come back completely uninjured because I'd be like I couldn't actually let someone injure me. I couldn't injure myself, I'd fucking cry, I'd be a baby. I can't do that. So the fact that you could let someone fully injure her to that extreme is fucked up.

Speaker 1:

But I think it can be a slippery slope when we use childhood trauma to say these are why people have done things. Childhood trauma to say these are why people have done things. And with small things like oh, I cheated on my wife because my dad always cheated on my mom and it's all I ever saw, and all those different things and we can use it as an excuse. Whilst I think these things can be a contributor, this is kind of where that self-accountability and self-responsibility comes in, and it can't always be the case, depending on how extreme the circumstances were. Obviously, in very extreme circumstances it's going to be a very different story.

Speaker 1:

But it gets to a point where it's like, yes, these things have happened to me and maybe my dad left my mom or cheated on my mom or eyewitness drug abuse or eyewitness these things. But as an adult it has to get to a point where I'm like, okay, these things happened and I probably do need help to be able to work through these things and I have to actively seek out that help. I also understand that that is much easier than it sounds, especially with the system that we live in. I don't know about America's systems, obviously, but I know here seeing a psychologist can be quite expensive. It can be long wait lists. Maybe you can only see them once a month. Sometimes you can find a psychologist you don't actually connect with. So then you've got to start the whole process again, and I know it's more complex than that. But I do think there are a lot of things out there that we could possibly use to be able to help us.

Speaker 1:

And I've experienced this, obviously not to that extreme, but with me and my brother, we both grew up with trauma, we both grew up around addiction, all those different things. I chose to work on it, I chose to heal it, I chose to understand myself, I chose to take accountability and responsibility for my life, whereas he didn't. He chose to be like well, my childhood is fucked. Fucked, that's why I drink alcohol. My childhood is fucked, that's why I'm addicted to drugs. My childhood was fucked, that's why I've cheated on multiple of my partners and all those different things. So this is where I'm like I don't think that we can say that this is the reason I do this, because it has to get to a point where it's like well, I'm choosing to do this because I also chose not to work on my own shit. I chose not to heal my own shit. Again, take it with a grain of salt, depends on the level of extremity in the thing, but I just thought it was so fascinating to see this person and try and understand why someone would do something so extreme, and to watch this husband. Oh, it was absolutely heartbreaking. And it turned out she was actually trying to make her kids sick so she could take them to the doctor multiple times Not make them so sick that they would actually like die or anything like that, but she was trying to make them sick so she could keep going to the doctor because that was another way of her getting attention. And it made me think as well.

Speaker 1:

We demonize the word I want attention. If we think that someone wants attention we're like ew, yuck, you're so up yourself, or we make it so bad. But I think at the end of the day, the word attention it gets a bad rap. But actually we all want it. We want attention from our partner, we want attention from our family, we want attention when we're doing good in our career and in our workplace. We want people to acknowledge it and wanting attention isn't actually bad. I think when we demonize the fact that we want attention, then we can go about it in ways that aren't actually good for us, in patterns that aren't actually good for us. So the whole attention thing is another really interesting thing. But if you haven't watched it, you've basically been given the world's biggest rundown on my podcast, so you're welcome, but I would still go watch it, and I want to do this with more shows Like. I want to bring them to the podcast and analyze what I thought, what I think is going on the way that I viewed it, because it's just fucking interesting. It's just interesting.

Speaker 1:

And the last thing we're going to touch on today is something that I've been thinking about as a mindset coach, as someone who believes in mindset work have we actually become too soft? Have we actually become too woke? So I was listening to a podcast the other day and they were talking about being very, very woke and sometimes it going too far in that people are too scared to say anything Like. People are scared to use the word fat, for example, because it's like oh my God, can you even say that these days? Is that too bad? Are we allowed to say that like? Is that offensive to people?

Speaker 1:

I think that there is some good to, obviously, this movement of being more mindful of the words that we use and how we say them and what we say, and actually realizing that the words we say actually have big impacts on people. And I think part of the woke movement is, like the body positivity movement, all those different things which I think have a lot of positive aspects to them and sometimes, obviously, a lot of negative aspects of you know, what people are saying is that the body positivity movement is a woke movement but it's actually contributing now to people not actually focusing on their health and it is encouraging people to be overweight and not exercise and not eat well, in the name of body positivity. So I get both sides of that. This can be in absolutely anything, so it can be in the body positivity movement. It can be in the words that we use. It can be in how we speak. People are so scared of getting cancelled that we're so scared to actually say our true opinions. And I was really thinking about is like, have we become too soft? Are we too easily offended? Like you just look on the internet and someone could be offended by the way that you fucking sneeze Like it hasn't gone too far.

Speaker 1:

I actually did a TikTok the other day and a reel on Instagram and basically what I was saying is that in the police, I was made to do a role like, promoted into a senior role only after a year of being in the police I was made to do a role like, promoted into a senior role only after a year of being in the police and it was a very busy station and I didn't think that I was capable of doing it. And then I did it and showed myself I was capable. And the whole preface of the fucking TikTok and real was that we can often do more than our mind lets us believe. That was it. Do you know how many fucking hate comments I got on there about people talking about the police, like it wasn't actually about the police, the real? I didn't say the police is shit. I didn't say the police is good. I didn't say I love the police. I didn't even share an opinion and, trust me, I have a lot of fucking opinions on the police because I was in there for four years.

Speaker 1:

I experienced the shitty culture of in a workplace, bullying and horrible people and all those different things, and I didn't even fucking mention it the shit that I could have actually said. And it got like 70,000 views or something like that Police were commenting on this Literal police that are serving our community were commenting on my TikTok being like I'm glad you fucking left that, like it's better without you and all these things. I'm like bro, what the heck? I didn't actually say something at all offensive, like literally and I could have, and I didn't actually say something at all offensive, like literally and I could have and I didn't. And it made me start to think.

Speaker 1:

It's like are we, are we too sensitive to what people are saying? Like can we always find something that we hate about someone? You could literally see someone be so extremely nice and someone will be like you're too fucking nice, it's fake, or you said that word wrong, or you said this wrong. Like we are so nitpicky and I don't know if social media has played a role in that I'm sure that it actually has but even when it comes to mindset, right. So I obviously work with people that have had trauma.

Speaker 1:

I've experienced trauma myself, all those different things when it comes to mindset. It is a really, really tricky thing to have to deal with, because sometimes I think that we can be too sensitive and I am a very sensitive person, I am a very sensitive gal. But also I know that if I'm feeling like really, really anxious, or if I'm feeling like confused about something and someone validates that that is keeping me stuck, oh, it's very normal to feel anxious, it's okay, rather than like yeah, you feel anxious, but what can we do to actually get you out of it? Only you can do that. Let's fucking go. So it's something that I'm really contemplating with and it's something that I wanted to bring up with you guys, because I would love for you to start to think about your own opinions on have we become too soft and have we become too woke as a society, even when it comes to parenting?

Speaker 1:

Parents are so scared to talk about what they do or don't do with their kids because it's always going to be wrong. No matter what you do, someone is always going to think it's the wrong thing. Someone is always going to have an opinion on it, and I think it scares people. I honestly think it does, and I was listening to the project, was it yesterday? And someone was saying they were talking about social media and kids on social media and like how it allows, it doesn't allow, kids to ever be bored, and when we're not bored, we don't allow our mind to be creative. But one of the points that was made is that parents are so scared to let their kids, you know, go play out in the backyard or go do something, cause if you know they broke their arm or something be like? Why would you let them out? Why would you be not watching them? Why, like, parents are so judged and again, there's always two sides to every story. We see that there's more in the media now of what things that are bad, that can happen to children and all those different things. So we do have to be more protective. But are we too protective and is that causing our kids to be fucking anxious and scared of everything? Because we're anxious and scared of everything, is the media contributing to that, where we see so much bad and so many horrible things happening that now we're like, oh my god, I have to protect my child from everything like it's, even in parenting. Are we too woke in parenting, like?

Speaker 1:

I think it is such a cool conversation. It's something that I've had to sit with myself as someone who talks about mindset, as someone who's studying psychology, someone who has very strong opinions on things, as someone who talks about mindset, as someone who's studying psychology, someone who has very strong opinions on things, as someone who helps people on their healing journey, I have to be very, very mindful of obviously understanding that people have had trauma and learning and navigating with how to work with that, and I've done a lot of education around that, and so I'm doing my psychology degree, but I think if we are only seeking out things that validate us and that make us feel good and don't actually be like give us a little bit of a kick up the butt or give us some accountability and responsibility and we'd be a little bit too woke with our way of dealing with our trauma and our way of dealing with our healing, that can be the very thing that keeps us stuck. So, very, very interesting I'm going to wrap it up there, you guys. I hope you enjoyed this.

Speaker 1:

We spoke about compassion and complacency. At the start, we spoke about a doco that I've watched, which was called the Perfect Wife. It was on Disney Plus, if I didn't say that before, so if you do want to check it out, if not, I've basically given you a rundown and we spoke about our society as being too woke and too soft. Do we think it is? Do you think it is? I would love to hear from you. I would actually love your opinions. I want you to message me on Instagram and be like Ash, this is what I thought of this, this is what I think of this, and I'll be like I love you for being a part of this conversation. It's brilliant.

Speaker 1:

I want to hear from you guys, like I said at the start, if you haven't already, please leave a rating. It means so much to me. I do want to be consistent with this podcast. I do do it for free, which is a shocking, shocking idea to my mom that she thinks you don't get paid for something. No, I don't. I love, I love this podcast. I love hearing from you guys, like, even if just one of you messaged me afterwards, I'm like fuck yeah, slay, glad you enjoyed it. So leave a rating, send me a DM and I will chat to you next week.