Piece Of Mind Podcast

Ep 25: Your Inner Voice Was Shaped in Childhood

• Ashley Badman

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In this episode, we dive deep into how your childhood shapes the way you talk to yourself today. 

If you've ever wondered why that inner critic seems to have so much power, this one’s for you. We’re unpacking the impact of those early years and how to shift that voice from being harsh to being supportive.

• Why your self-talk is a mirror of your childhood experiences
• How your inner critic often stems from parental influences and early conditioning
• The power of awareness when it comes to those negative thought patterns
• Real, actionable ways to change the way you talk to yourself
• The role of community in healing and growth

Want to go deeper? Join the Built for Better Academy for more tools and support on this journey 

Join Now [B4B Academy Link] 

You can also submit questions directly to Ash for her to answer on a podcast episode. [Use The Link]

Speaker 1:

welcome back to the peace of mind podcast. Hello, my loves. This is going to be a really cool episode. I'm so excited to have this conversation.

Speaker 1:

What we're talking about today is the way that you talk to yourself today. That inner voice, the things that you say to yourself, how you criticize yourself, is just an echo of how you were spoken to as a child. I will start this with a bit of a obviously nuanced kind of view on this. This isn't a blanket rule. Not everything that you say to yourself is because of how you were spoken to as a child, but it can be, and there is a big chance that it is, and that's what we're getting to in this conversation. The other thing as well is I want to preface this doesn't just mean how you were spoken to as a child by your parents. This can be how you were spoken to by your siblings. It can be how you were spoken to by teachers, by other students, by classmates, any of those different things. So keep that in mind when we have this conversation.

Speaker 1:

The question I have to ask you to start this off is have you ever actually stopped and really listened to how you talk to yourself? Because I've worked with hundreds of women now, from the moment that I started coaching online even when I started with the nutrition coaching and doing the meal plans and all those different things to doing mindset and the deeper work and the healing and the trauma and working with high performers and all those different things. And something that I found that is not unique is something that we all kind of deal with but never stopped to think about is our own inner critic. We don't ever stop to think about how we speak to ourselves is the very thing that is limiting us from loving ourselves, loving our life and achieving every single thing that we want. Quite often you're listening to this because you value personal development, self-development, psychology, mindset, all the different things, and that is because you value personal growth. And it's so interesting to sit with the idea that the reason that you're not growing as a person, achieving all the things, hitting all the goals, living a life that you're like fuck, this is such a cool life, I love this life so much, is actually because of the way you talk to yourself. But, more importantly, once we recognize how we talk to ourselves, it's like where did this come from? Why do I talk to myself like that? Why do. I say these nasty things to myself. So let's look at it. So that voice in your head, the one that doubts, criticizes or even encourages you both.

Speaker 1:

We're going to go both ways with this. Where do you think it comes from? Because the thing is that you have to understand is it didn't actually start with you. The way you talk to yourself today is just an echo of how you were spoken to as a child. I wanted to repeat that because I want that to really land in this episode and for most people, that realization is confronting as hell, like it truly is.

Speaker 1:

Even for me and I'm going to talk a little bit about myself in this podcast. This podcast is more about you and teaching you and giving you fuck loads of value and good information. But, like for me, I was like shit when I started to pay attention to how I spoke to myself and I realized it was coming from like how I was spoken to as a child. I was like, well, this is a little confronting. But equally for you guys, it's also really liberating, because once you understand where it came from, you can actually change it. And that is what we're diving into today, because when you can change how you speak to yourself, you rewire your brain, you change your neural pathways, you change your beliefs and we change all of those things. We show up in the world differently, we take action differently, we stop getting in our own way, we stop having patterns that limit us and sabotage us and stop us in our tracks. So we're going to really break it down. Your brain is a pattern recognition machine, which is super interesting because I fucking love the brain. If you don't know by now and you don't follow me on social media, which you do otherwise, why would you be listening to this? You know that I'm obsessed with the brain and how it works and the difference between the mind and the brain, because when I first started being interested in psychology and human behavior, I thought the brain and the mind were the same thing. They're not the same thing. But I digress and I'm going to try my best not to digress too much in this podcast because I want to keep it like to the fucking point for you guys. But your brain is a patent recognition machine.

Speaker 1:

From the moment you're born, it's collecting data, especially from the people around you how they respond when you mess up, how they respond when they mess up, what they say when you succeed, the tone of voice they use when they're frustrated with you. And, without realizing it, your nervous system is storing rules about how safe it is to exist in the world. If you grew up with parents or caregivers who were harsh or critical or made love feel conditional, guess what happens? That voice becomes your own. You mess up at work, you hear you should have done better, you struggle in relationships, you hear you're too much, you feel like you don't belong and you hear no one really likes you anyway. And I want to be clear. This is not about blaming your parents. I'm not in the blame game. It's fucking unhealthy, it doesn't get you anywhere and that's not what we're about around here. Most of what your parents were doing was actually just repeating what was done to them. This is why I'm all about breaking cycles and generational trauma and understanding ourselves so that we can do better. And with each generation we do do better. You may not get it perfect. You may have kids right now where you're not getting it perfect, but you're doing better, and then your kids are going to do better and that's really fucking cool. So the reality of this is, by the time that you're an adult, your self-talk is no longer their voice. It's yours. What was once theirs has become ingrained in who you are and what you believe to be true about yourself, and that is where the real work begins. So I know this firsthand.

Speaker 1:

I grew up in a pretty chaotic childhood. There wasn't always a lot of stability and, like a lot of people, I internalized a lot of things I heard growing up and I expect a lot of myself. I push hard, I hold myself to ridiculously high standards, which has been a blessing and a curse and, if I'm honest, I can actually be quite hard on myself. I can be actually really fucking hard on myself. Dave has to really catch me in it and be like honey, like you're actually doing so fucking much. You're actually doing such an amazing job because I won't recognize. I won't recognize where I'm doing well or when I'm working hard. I'll just think I need to do more or I could have done it better. I will critically analyze myself and I won't acknowledge my wins, my successes, what I'm doing well and that is something that I found really hard to work on.

Speaker 1:

I catch myself expecting perfection, not giving myself much room to just be and sometimes being overly critical like overly critical. Even now, I'll have moments where I mess up and my immediate thought is you should have done better, you should have known better. Why wasn't that perfect? And that voice, that's not me, that is an echo. And those things don't necessarily had to have been said to me. I could have internalized them as beliefs because of things I heard, seen, witnessed, because what I believe was going to allow me to be accepted, to be loved, feel a sense of belonging. It doesn't mean those exact words were said to me. It means that that's what I internalized from what I was witnessing and what I was hearing.

Speaker 1:

And if I'm not careful, it runs on autopilot. It keeps me stuck in a loop of pushing harder, doing more and never feeling like it's enough. I struggle to stop. I struggle to just simply be and be present. A part of me thinks that's like undiagnosed ADHD as well, but that's a whole other conversation. But that's something I found really, really hard and a part of me is like but this is what makes me me and it's great. I'm really driven, I really want to succeed, I have big goals, I have big visions, I'm ambitious towards those things and for me it's really learning to balance being driven and ambitious, with actually learning to accept where I currently am and be okay with what I'm currently achieving, and be okay with not always getting it right and failing and all those different things. That has been a journey, and the real difference now is I see it. I actually see it now.

Speaker 1:

For years and years and years and years, this run on autopilot. I had no idea that I was subconsciously speaking to myself in ways that were actually limiting me. I had no idea that I was the one, that my brain, that my thoughts, that my mind and my beliefs were the very thing keeping me stuck. Because if we're not aware of something, how do we change it? And we can be so conditioned to think that way and talk to ourselves that way that it's very, very, very hard for us to shift it. Now I can catch it, I can question it and I can rewrite it, and sometimes not on my own. I think that's important to really add in there.

Speaker 1:

I'm so grateful for a beautiful, loving relationship where I can be very, very open and honest to Dave about my struggles, about things that I find challenging, which is this, where I'm quite hard on myself and I struggle to actually slow down and let myself be all those different things. So if I can't catch it, if I'm having a moment where I'm kind of fucking still stuck in autopilot and I want to grow my business and grow, built for better and run the academy and be the best mom and be the best partner all the, all the fucking things that are going on Sometimes, dave has to catch it for me and be like honey, like you actually just need to stop being kind to yourself. You need to recognize that you're doing amazing in all of those areas and stop always expecting more of yourself. So whilst, yes, my level of self-awareness has allowed me to catch it and it has been fucking transformative for my life, I also have a really amazing partner, which is why I definitely think, you know, being able to communicate is really really crucial.

Speaker 1:

A lot of people don't have that in their partner and that's okay. Like, this isn't going to be a conversation around relationships or anything like that. I can do a podcast on that another time. But if you don't have that, maybe you're single or you don't have that relationship or whatever it is. Find spaces where that is normalized, where other people can help you become more self-aware and help you clock it and help you be seen in that, and that's what I kind actually see this playing out for you, and this is actually what we need to work on.

Speaker 1:

So, in saying that, what I do now is I refuse to let an outdated version of me, shaped by my childhood experiences, control how I treat myself today. I just refuse to. I don't let that dictate who I am, what I do and how I feel about myself. So what we're going to talk about for you is how do you break this cycle? How do you rewire that inner voice? How do you actually change this? Because if your inner dialogue is just an old recording, then we have to ask who is holding the microphone now. So here's what I want you to understand you are not stuck with that voice in your head. You might feel that you are. You might feel that it's impossible to change, but that is not true. Your brain is plastic. It can rewire, but first you have to challenge the patterns that have been running on autopilot. So let's kind of go over what that work would look like.

Speaker 1:

Obviously, this is only a podcast. It's going to be, I guess, more brief, but you can use this. This can be helpful, this can be beneficial, and please't do this. Most people can't see where it's them Like. I've worked with high level successful people doing amazing things and I listened to how they talk to themselves because obviously I'm on calls with them, I'm messaging them back and forth, I hear out loud what they're saying to themselves and I'm like, whoa, okay, fucking, slam the brakes.

Speaker 1:

We need to focus on what you just said about yourself and how you just said it and how you just spoke to yourself, because that is not helping and that is not okay. So even high level people, self-aware people, sometimes struggle to pay attention to their own voice. So I want you to start to pay attention to it. I want you to literally write it down when you notice negative self-talk. What does it say? When does it show up? That's a really important one and whose voice does it remind you of? I really, really want you to start to pay attention to the voice and who it reminds you of, because awareness really is that first step to change.

Speaker 1:

The second step is you're going to question it. Just because your brain says something doesn't make it true. It's so funny how we just like assume like I've had a thought it has come from my brain. Therefore, it must be factual. I've got some news for you. Not everything that you think is actually the truth and not everything that you think is actually factual. I would say that actually, a lot of the time, our thoughts are not factual at all. Our thoughts are actually quite limiting for us.

Speaker 1:

The other thing I want you to think about and this is the same under the same umbrella of questioning it I want you to ask yourself would you say that to a child? What you say to yourself, how you talk to yourself, would you say that to a child? And if not, why the hell are you saying it to yourself? And that's the reframe. Start treating yourself with the same compassion you'd give to a kid trying their best. And that is as basic and fucking simple as it has to be. And you want to make it even more powerful. Imagine that kid is. You. Get a photo of yourself as a child and stick it on your mirror, stick it near where you work, carry it in your wallet, look at that child version of yourself and ask yourself am I treating you, me, the adult version of me, how I would treat you, the kid version of me? And if the answer is no, we have to change that. If you're saying things to yourself that you would not say to that little version of yourself, stop saying it to yourself now. And the third thing is we're going to replace it and this part.

Speaker 1:

Truthfully, it does feel a little bit awkward at first, because if you've been running on self-criticism for like 20 fucking plus years, kindness feels very foreign. So don't start with I love myself, I fucking love myself, I'm just so amazing, I'm so great. Like, if it feels fucking fake, don't say those things. Like don't start there. This is why people think that when there's like mindset, work and all the things, it feels like really woohoo and you're just going to talk yourself into being positive. Like we're not really about. Like I'm about the woo-woo, just by the way, I love the woo-woo, but we're not about the fake shit that doesn't work.

Speaker 1:

I'm about science, I'm about evidence-based. I'm about actually doing the shit in a way that truly transformed your mind, your brain and how you actually view yourself in the world and what you're capable of. I, that is how I run all my spaces. It's how I run, how I work on myself, it's how I run, how I work on all of my clients and why they see such amazing fucking life changing results. And it's how I run my spaces, my courses, my programs, all the things. It is not about being fake. It is not about kind of slapping on this idea of yourself that doesn't feel real and it's like putting on clothes that feel too tight. No, we do it in a way that actually works with your brain, your nervous system and your mind.

Speaker 1:

So, instead of saying I love myself, I love how I put that voice on when I'm doing it, start with something really neutral. Start with something like I'm figuring this out, I can be kind to myself while I learn, or messing up doesn't make me unworthy. These are facts, these are truths. They're not kind of like reaching for the stars and saying I'm fucking perfect, I'm amazing, I can do anything. Because you don't believe it. We can start with statements that actually feel like this feels true to me. I am figuring this out. I can be kind to myself while I learn. You can even say things like if it resonates with you more because obviously I'm a bit of a bogan gal at heart If it resonates with you more, you can be like I can stop being an asshole to myself while I'm trying to learn a new skill or while I'm trying to grow, you know. You know you can say make them up, make them fun, make them actually suit you. You can even drop the C-bomb in there if it really feels natural for you.

Speaker 1:

So this isn't about lying to yourself. It's about training your brain to stop defaulting to shame, stop fucking judging yourself. Like I feel like I'm like saying that in a shaking way because sometimes, like even with myself, but specifically with, like, my clients, like because I love them, anyone who I get to work with, like I just I just feel so grateful to get to work with humans and like who trust me and trust me with this work. But sometimes, like if you're my client of mine and you're listening to this, like this is how I feel. Sometimes I want to grab you and I want to fucking shake you and I want to just be like stop being such an asshole to yourself, start actually treating yourself with respect. It's funny because it's like we want to build confidence, we want to believe in ourselves because we know believing in ourselves is going to help us get to where we want to be. Da, da, da da. But we don't even fucking respect ourselves, the way that you speak to yourself. Is that how you would speak to someone you respect? If no, don't speak to yourself like that. If you want to actually build self-trust and self-trust is everything we need to trust ourselves to be able to make any fucking decision, to be able to do anything, there needs to be a level of self-trust. If we want to build that self-trust, then we have to treat ourselves like we are a person that we respect. Have respect for yourself, or imagine me shaking you through the podcast, saying be respectful to yourself.

Speaker 1:

I also want to be very clear that this work is not an overnight fix. Nothing to do with your mind and brain is an overnight fix. I feel like I wish more people understood that, because I've literally worked with people where they're, like it's been, you know, five days and I've tried and nothing's worked. And I'm like, babe, you're literally 35 years old, you've spent 35 years thinking this way. You really think you're going to change your whole brain, nervous system, mind and the way you behave in four or five days.

Speaker 1:

Like when we say that loud, we can see that it's just a form of self-sabotage and like a way that we can stop ourselves from growing Cause we've got, oh, it's not working, I'm going to quit and like how often do we do this? But it's like it takes time and also there is no fucking destination. I'm still growing as a person. I'm not like, hey guys, I'm actually perfect and healed and fixed and I have nothing. I need to you fucking run from them because, like they're probably a narcissist, they probably like it. You know they're probably not the person that you want to be around, but no one is. No one is fully fucking healed, fixed, whatever the word is that you want to use. We are all a work in progress. We can all better ourselves all of the time. We can all grow all of the time. Like that's the beauty of this life and this human experience.

Speaker 1:

So please don't go into this work of trying to change how you speak to yourself, trying to change how you think, trying to change how you behave, and expect it to change in a week, in a night, in three months, whatever it is in a night. Why did I say in a night? Yeah, you really think you're going to go have a fucking little nappy nap at nighttime and wake up and be a different person. If someone thinks that, please, god, no, please don't think that. But it's just like give yourself time, give yourself patience. That is part of having respect for yourself.

Speaker 1:

This journey this is what I want you to say to yourself this journey of getting to know myself deeper, of getting to actually be the best version of myself, of discovering my potential of healing. It takes as long as it takes. That's what you want to say to yourself. It takes as long as it takes. I don't need to put pressure on myself to be anywhere other than where I am right now. I trust in my timeline. I am showing up for myself. Yeah, I will fuck up. Yes, I will be an asshole to myself again, but I won't use that as a reason to stop. Instead, I'll use that as a reason to learn and keep going. So every time, every single time that you challenge that voice, you weaken it, and that is how we break the cycle.

Speaker 1:

The next thing that we're going to chat about is who you become on the other side of this work, and that's the magic right. I really want you to like sit in this and play in this, because a lot of the time, we're so used to who that we are and the life that we have and the level in which we live our life, that we can't even see what's available to us. We can't even see what's possible for us and, like you, don't have to see what's possible for you to take one foot in front of the other and keep rolling on forward and make that progress. But I kind of want you to know what's available to you. Like if you would, if you had said to me 10 years ago Ash, you're going to run your own business, you're going to be studying psychology, you're going to be changing the lives of hundreds of women, you're going to be building an academy where people are learning and growing and building a community. You are going to be in the body of your dreams, in the relationship of your dreams, loving yourself silly and learning how to actually live to your potential in a way that feels free, content and happy. I'd be like lol, you are not talking about my life, because that is impossible.

Speaker 1:

I was like 30 kilos heavier than I am now. I was in a relationship. I didn't love or didn't like or didn't enjoy, or whatever the word is you want to use. I was. You know I was. Was I in the police 10 years ago? No, but that was part of that journey. Along the way in a job that I didn't love. Along the way in a job that I didn't love, feeling lost, insecure, all the things. I couldn't see who I was going to become on the other side of this work. But I could do it anyway and I could take those steps anyway.

Speaker 1:

So here's what I need you to know the voice in your head isn't you. It is actually a script that you were given and, just like any script, it can be rewritten. Oh my God, did that rhyme? Guys did what I just say rhymed Because, like Slay, am I a rapper now? Because you were never supposed to live your whole life judging yourself through the eyes of a five-year-old who just wanted to be loved. You get to be the voice you needed back. Then you get to reparent yourself, and when you do, that's when real confidence shows up, because confidence is not about being perfect. It is not about being perfect. It is not about being perfect. Stop expecting yourself to be perfect. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to fuck up. You're going to do all the things. That's okay. Stop coming down hard on yourself. It's actually just about being on your own side, no matter what, and that's what this work is about.

Speaker 1:

That is what I want you guys to take away from this episode. I want you to pay attention to the voice inside your head. I want you to pay attention to how you speak to yourself and, instead of judging or shaming yourself for that, actually just be like wow, you know what? I do have more control over my thoughts. They feel like they just plop into my head and I have no control over them, but I do. And equally, I know that these have come from somewhere and I didn't just pluck them out of thin air and start thinking them, believing them and talking to myself like this. They have come from somewhere, but I don't want my whole life to be dictated from these ideas that have been plucked from other people.

Speaker 1:

And we're going to wrap it up there, guys. I want to do some more short and sweet episodes that give you a fucking dose of information that you need and something that you can actually tangibly start to think about and start to actually work on. I want you to actually absorb this information and be like okay, cool, this isn't going to be another fucking podcast I listen to and don't do anything about. How can I use this in my life. How can I bring more self-awareness into my life after this episode? How can I actually treat myself fucking better after this episode? And, more importantly, if this episode does hit home for you and you're done with the self-judgment, you're done with the overthinking, the feeling like you are never enough. This is the work that we do inside the Built for Better Academy, my new space, my baby, where all of my time and energy is going to be pouring into. This is about more than just mindset. It's about rewiring your brain, your nervous system and belief system so that growth doesn't feel like a constant fight against yourself. So if you're ready for that, I want you to check out the link in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

The doors are open now. You can join at any time. There are already some beautiful and amazing epic ladies in there. I would love to have you inside. We do fortnightly community calls. We have a community forum. You get access to every single course, program and framework that I run. You get access to me in there. I'm actually coaching the girls in there. It's not just like blah, here's information, have fun with that. It's like let's work through it together, let's dive deeper together. Until then, be kind to yourself, because that little voice inside your head, it is listening.