Piece Of Mind Podcast
Welcome to Piece of Mind, where we piece together the parts of your mind to help you live a life that’s authentic, unapologetic, and absolutely fulfilling.
I’m your host Ashley Badman, a mindset coach and psychology student, here to guide you through the world of subconscious re-programming, relationships, belief systems, and patterns.
This isn’t your typical mindset podcast. We’re diving deep into the core of who you are, tackling everything from self-sabotage and people-pleasing to attachment styles and beyond. We’ll uncover the deeper shit that makes you who you are, so you can grow, evolve, and build a life you’re obsessed with.
Expect a mix of evidence-based insights, energetic shifts, and a touch of chaos as we explore how to heal, optimize, and re-program your life.
This podcast is for those who refuse to settle, who are committed to living life fully and getting the best for themselves.
Get ready for straight talk, practical strategies, and a few surprises along the way. If you’re ready to stop hiding from yourself and start living unapologetically, you’re in the right place. Tune in and let’s get into it.
Piece Of Mind Podcast
Ep 28: Why Women Are Their Own Harshest Critics
We deep dive into why women are often their own harshest critics and how self-compassion is the key to unlocking potential and achieving our dreams.
Self-criticism has become normalised to the point that we don't recognise how harmful our internal dialogue has become.
• Our brains develop self-sabotaging behaviours as protection mechanisms, not character flaws
• Perfectionism, procrastination, and people-pleasing all stem from fear of the unknown
• Taking action through fear rather than waiting for fear to disappear is crucial for growth
• True confidence comes from knowing you'll be kind to yourself even if you fail
• Surrender to the process while still taking action – do your part and trust the outcome
• Compassion differs from toxic positivity by embracing all emotions, not bypassing them
• Curiosity about your patterns breaks the cycle of shame and enables real change
• Self-acceptance doesn't mean not wanting to change – you can accept and still grow
• Nobody else is you – your unique strengths and weaknesses are what make you special
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today's episode we are talking about all things compassion, because what I have come to notice, especially for women, we sometimes lack a lot of compassion for ourselves. And actually, you know what? No, not sometimes A lot of the time. I've worked with so many women, whether it be in nutrition, mindset or business, like hundreds and hundreds of women, and the one thing that I've noticed that all of us have in common is that we can be really fucking mean to ourselves.
Speaker 0:We can question ourselves, doubt ourselves, say some really horrible things about ourselves, and we do it so often that it's like normal. We've actually normalized the horrible things that we say to ourselves. We've normalized criticizing our body. We've normalized criticizing who we are as a person. We've normalized criticizing our own emotions and our own feelings. Why do I feel this way? Why am I like this? Why does this frustrate me? Why am I sad? Like criticizing our own emotions, not allowing ourselves to feel and also not allowing ourselves to just have a normal human experience.
Speaker 0:We put such big expectations on who we need to be, on what we need to be achieving, by when we need to be achieving that we compare ourselves to what other people are doing, what other people are achieving, and we can come down really, really hard on ourselves. And another big thing that I've learned is one of the biggest blocks and barriers to you achieving every single fucking thing that you want is yourself, is your own mind, is the thoughts that you have about yourself, is the doubts that you have about who you are and what you are capable of. And the amount of women I see not achieve as much as they could be achieving, not reaching their full potential, not doing the things that they actually want to be doing, because as soon as they get close, they're riddled with self-doubt and because of that self-doubt then they self-sabot. The fear of the unknown becomes so great that it feels easier to stay exactly as you are right now than go after every single fucking dream that you have and actually achieve it, but also equally know that there are going to be failures along the way, and that does not make you a failure. That's very important. Having failures does not make you a failure as a human being and as women. We sometimes hold that as the two together.
Speaker 0:If I have failed or if I have not succeeded in something by this point or in this timeframe, I am a failure, and that is where we go very wrong. We link our self-worth to what we are achieving rather than who we are as a person. And I want this episode to be like the line in the sand for completely fucking that off and being able to acknowledge how loud that inner critic is for you, that voice inside your head telling you you can't, telling you you're not enough, telling you you're not worthy, telling you that you will never achieve the things that you want to achieve, and absolutely fucking that voice right off. The most important things I think that we first need to touch on is like why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we the person that gets in our way? Why are we the person that sabotages our own chance of happiness, success, wellbeing, fulfillment, wealth, abundance, relationships, all of the things. And the answer is quite simple. The answer is it is a self-protective mechanism. That is how our brain works. You guys know I harp on about this all the time. Our brain is there to keep you safe, not keep you happy. So if anything feels like the unknown, I don't know the outcome, I don't know how this is going to go, then our brain is going to be like well, don't do it, don't do the thing that you don't know, or if the thing has any unconscious or conscious fears attached to that, then our brain is going to go into fucking overdrive. That is when all your patterns are going to come into play self-sabotaging, perfectionism, negative self-talk, procrastination, all of the things because your brain's like absolutely not. If there is any chance that you are going to feel any type of thing that doesn't feel good for you, then that doesn't feel safe, then I don't want you doing it, and that is why we say stuck.
Speaker 0:How many things do you want to be achieving right now? How many things do you want in your life right now that aren't currently there? Maybe it's more friendships, maybe it's more money, maybe it's a successful business, maybe it's a promotion in your job, maybe it's traveling more, maybe it's losing the weight that you want to lose, maybe it's a healthier lifestyle, maybe it's just being more fucking confident. If you don't have those things right now, it is because for you there is some sort of fear associated with that conscious or unconscious to you, where that feels unknown. So then your brain's going to be like not today, not today. I'm going to do everything I can to block you and I don't want that for you.
Speaker 0:I want you to achieve every single thing that you want to achieve. I want you to go out into the world and do whatever it is that you want to do and be completely and utterly confident while doing it, because the most draining thing is being in our own head in a negative way, because we can't fucking escape it. That's what it feels like when you constantly are negative to yourself, criticizing your body, criticizing who you are. It can feel suffocating, it can feel like so much, like it's so noisy, and that is no way to live. I think when we can learn to quieten the noise that is our own thoughts, our own negative thoughts, we become truly fucking unstoppable.
Speaker 0:As women, right, and we have to remember, you know, as women we have so much societal conditioning, so much of who we should be, who we need to be, what's bad, what's good, what's, you know, attractive, what's not attractive, all of the things that we feel that we have to be constantly living up to, even how we live our life, if we're making a decisions that make sense for our age as a woman, all the things like we have have so much societal expectations, and so do men, like they absolutely do. This isn't even a conversation around. The men or women have more expectations on them. We all fucking do, and it's really freaking, challenging. And the most freeing thing in the world is like how do I quieten that inner voice? How do I stop being so hard on myself? How do I actually love and accept all of myself?
Speaker 0:And the first thing that you need to do is become aware of your patterns. What are your patterns? Are you the self-sabotager? Are you the people pleaser? Do you want everyone to like you so you keep saying yes and you keep doing things for everybody else, even though you don't want to, even though it's burning you the fuck out? Are you the procrastinator? You know you need to do the thing, you know exactly what you need to do, but you're always just too busy, or you always find yourself getting distracted or scrolling on your phone or finding something else to do, and then you have no time and then you've gone around in circles. Are you the perfectionist? Are you the person that can't do anything and is paralyzed by taking action unless it is 100% perfect, unless you know it is going to be absolutely amazing, which, as we know, as humans, we can't be perfect All those things that I just said to you have one thing in common they're all there to protect you, and sometimes it can feel like they're there to fuck you over, but I promise you they're actually not. And this is where compassion comes into play. When we can actually understand that we are the way we are for a reason, we can actually start to accept ourselves Instead of being like why am I a people pleaser?
Speaker 0:Why do I always self-sabotage, why do I do this? Why do I do that? You can say, of course I do that. I have experienced things in my life that meant that I adapted these things, these patterns, to work as a protective mechanism. My body and my brain thinks it's actually keeping me safe from something. My body and my brain thinks it's protecting me from having to feel the fear, to feel the thing that I'm actually scared of. And when you think of it like that, when you realize, hey, I'm not doing this because I don't want to get to where I want to be. I'm not doing this because I don't want to be happy and I don't want to achieve all the things. I'm not doing this just because I'm not disciplined and I'm not consistent and I'm not, as like, strong or willpower or whatever the fuck it is as that person.
Speaker 0:No, I've had my own unique experiences in my lifetime. I've had my own traumas, I've had my own memories, I've had my own shit that I've had to navigate and I've had to go through, and that's unique to you. Nobody has experienced what you have experienced. Listening to this right now. Not one single person who is tuning into this today, right now, has experienced what you have experienced. So your brain has developed coping mechanisms and protective mechanisms according to your unique experiences, your unique childhood, your unique upbringing, the relationships that you've experienced up until this point.
Speaker 0:So I really want you I'm going to keep this so short and so sweet, because what I really want you to take away from this is that if there are things about you that you don't like about yourself right now, you are the way you are for a reason, and when you can actually have compassion for yourself and those parts of you that you don't actually like about yourself, life becomes a whole lot easier. Growth becomes a whole lot easier. Change becomes a whole lot easier. Because you cannot grow, you cannot get to those places that you want to be if you're always so hard on yourself, if you're always questioning yourself if you're always comparing yourself to every other person. And that really takes me on to my next couple of points as well.
Speaker 0:Expectations is a really big one. I feel like the reason that a lot of us come down so hard on ourselves is because we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and we really struggle to surrender to the process. I've said this in previous podcasts and I know it sounds like woohoo, but I don't care, because it's fucking helped me so much. And what I do and what has really helped my mindset and really helped me achieve so many things is that I have learned to surrender. And when we think of like feminine and masculine energy, it's like masculine energy is the doing, it's the structure, it's the getting shit done, it's knowing what you need to do.
Speaker 0:And the feminine is really being able to surrender, being able to not always going and doing and all of the things. It's being able to just be okay, that you're enough, and that you as a person are going to attract all of the abundance in the world when you just actually be your authentic self, when you allow yourself to be in touch with who you are, when you allow yourself to be so in touch with your body and with your mind, and it is that surrendering. And how I like to view it is I like to view it as the universe has my back right, and what I mean by that is I know, if I show up as my true, authentic self, if I really start to acknowledge what my values are, if I do the work on understanding my belief systems, dismantling belief systems that aren't mine, understanding my patterns, challenging my patterns, taking action, if I'm doing the things that I know are on my end, you know, pushing my comfort zone, making sure that I'm not just sitting there being like I want that but then never actually going for it, never actually doing the things that allow me to have that, because that's easy. True, I'm so inspired by you or I'm sitting on the sidelines watching you and saying I wish I had that or I wish I could do that, but then it's like, well, what are you doing to do that? What are you actually doing to be that person? Because if every single day, every single hour, every single month, you're still sitting in your fears of like I can't because this person has this or I can't because what if this, then you will constantly sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else achieve their dreams, while you sit there and wish and hope and aspire to be that person but never actually take the action steps to be that person, to be achieving those things that you want to be achieving.
Speaker 0:So I think that is a really big part of it. It is doing your part, it is taking action, it is moving through the fear, it's feeling the fear and still taking action without the fear having to be gone, and this is something that we quite often get wrong. It's like, okay, I feel this fear, I'm scared of judgment, or I'm scared that people are going to think I'm silly, or I'm scared I'm going to fail, or I'm fearful of success. All those things are very valid. I've felt every single one of those things, but it's not waiting for them to be gone to do the thing, to take action. I'm going to work on not caring what people think and then I'll start the business and then I'll post content or then I'll go do whatever.
Speaker 0:It is, xyz, that you're not doing because you care people are going to judge you and it doesn't work like that. It's being able to feel the fear and do the thing even while the fear is present. It's doing a podcast, even though you still are scared that people are going to judge you. It's posting on social media even though you're still scared that people are going to judge you, because if you're waiting all of the time for the fear to be gone, it won't ever go away because you're not giving yourself the evidence that you're okay even when that thing happens. So it is taking action through the fear. It's not being like, oh, I can't invest in myself because what if this and what if I fail and their group environment scares me or whatever. It is All very valid, all very valid, but it's like you can sit in those fears and hope that they're going to go away.
Speaker 0:Or you can take action and create the life of your dreams and be the person that you know, that you are fucking destined to be a confident, fearless, unapologetic gal that is going after every single bloody goal and dream that she wants in her life. You can. You have to take action to be that person. It doesn't mean don't feel the fear. We all feel the fear, you know. But social media has us believing that confident people never feel fear, confident people that are successful never have self-doubt, and that's absolutely bullshit. Like we all feel doubt, whatever level that we are at, we are constantly growing and evolving and at a new level you're going to be fucking bombarded with new amounts of self-doubt, fears, whatever they are. Difference is now you have evidence that you're okay when you feel those things and you keep fucking moving through them, like it is the most empowering thing that you can do for yourself.
Speaker 0:Feel a fear and do the thing anyway. This is why I went up in a fucking plane and did barrel rolls, because I am terrified of all of those things. Being up in a plane. I'm scared that if you're in a tiny plane and you're doing barrel rolls, the chance of you dying are too high. So I'm like I can't do that. I'm scared. So I fucking did it. I was terrified, I was shaking. I thought all of the negative things like what if I die? What if this, what if this goes wrong? But I did it anyway and that's what we want to be achieving. We want to be emotionally intelligent, resilient people who don't not be human. Feel the feelings, feel the emotions, feel all of them. That is what makes you human. But don't let that be the reason that you can't take action, because you absolutely can't.
Speaker 0:And the other part to this point is, when you are doing the work, when you are taking action, the rest of you, the 50%, the rest of it is knowing that when you do that, you're surrendering to the universe, that you're going to get what you put out. I don't know if that makes sense, and I really hope it does, because it has really helped me so much. It's like I know, if I'm doing what I need to be doing, that the rest is going to sort itself out, that the rest is going to be okay, and if I don't achieve the thing that I thought I was going to achieve, it's because it wasn't meant to be, it's because I'm meant to be on a different path or achieving something different and I'm being redirected. There is a lesson in absolutely everything, and I know that sounds so fucking cliche, but it is so true. If you were doing everything that you know that you can be doing, if you can ask yourself right now and be so honest with yourself, it's like I want to achieve X, y, z. What am I doing sitting here today to make that happen? What action steps am I taking? And if I'm not doing that right now, what could I be doing? What could I be doing to get closer to that version of myself?
Speaker 0:Because when we're doing that, when we can be held accountable to ourselves, we can trust in that process. We can trust that whatever is meant to be will be and whatever is not meant to be. I'm okay with that. I'm not linking my worth to the outcome. I'm not linking who I am as a person and my value as a person and the value that I bring to the world in the achievements that I actually have, because I know whatever I don't achieve, if I gave it 100%, 110 fucking percent, and I didn't achieve it, it wasn't meant to be and that's not a failure. That's not embarrassing. Be proud of yourself. This is the thing that we do.
Speaker 0:So often we're like, oh, I failed, it's so embarrassing, everyone's gonna see me fail and it's gonna be the worst, most mortifying thing in the world. No, it's not. The only way that you can be embarrassed by something is if you are judging yourself for it. If you are not judging yourself and you don't hold anything like that attached to that, you don't hold the meaning attached to it. If someone else thinks that about you, it's like okay, cool, like I don't actually care. And the only people that are judging people for failing are the people doing sweet fuck. All you know what I mean. Like who gives a shit if someone judges you for actually trying, I would much rather be the person trying than the person sitting there mocking someone for trying like a hundred percent.
Speaker 0:And I've actually read a quote um, I can't remember the book, but it's Brene Brown. I think it is dare to dare to lead or dare to dream. Maybe it's dare to lead. Anyways, if you haven't read it Brene Brown, dare to something you haven't read it. Brené Brown, dare to Something. You should definitely read it. And I do not remember the quote exactly, but it's basically like if you're not in the arena with me, then I don't give a fuck what you have to say. So if you're not the one doing the thing, if you're not putting yourself out there, if you're not trying, if you're not showing up every day working on yourself and actively working towards your goals, then I actually don't fucking care what opinion that you have, and I don't care what judgment that you have, because unless you were doing what I'm doing and trying to achieve what I'm achieving, then your criticisms of me actually aren't constructive and I think that is so powerful Because when you are healing, when you are being confident, when you are going after shit in your life, it is going to make people feel uncomfortable Because you are a mirror for what they're not doing.
Speaker 0:You become a mirror for their inaction and that makes people feel wildly, wildly uncomfortable. And the reason this links back so heavily to compassion is because when we can be compassionate for all of our experiences, we become someone who can achieve absolutely fucking everything. If you're only nice to yourself when you're winning, you're going to find it really hard to have success, because majority of success is failing over and over and over again. It's making mistakes, it's doing things that weren't the best or right decision and it's being okay with that. Because if you fail one time or you're showing up for X amount of time and it's not going how you want it and you're not succeeding and you're not having all the success that you thought you were going to have in that amount of time, if you can't be compassionate to yourself, you're the one giving up, and it's like the people that give up are the people that don't succeed.
Speaker 0:And don't get this twisted, for, like sometimes, we do need to know when to let go of things, and that's okay as well. This is why compassion is so important, because, like, sometimes it is actually okay to decide this isn't for me anymore, or I don't want to be doing this anymore, or I gave it my best crack but I've realized it's not for me. Knowing when to walk away from things takes a whole lot of resilience, strength and compassion for yourself. I think it's really important as well when it comes to compassion is compassion is not be happy all of the time, and this is kind of that like toxic positivity, kind of a vibe that we just want to avoid, and I, like I don't agree with it at all and I'm a pretty positive gal, and this is where we get confused with, like, gratitude and toxic positivity.
Speaker 0:You can be grateful, you can practice gratitude and I a hundred percent encourage it. There are so many scientific studies that like on our brain, on our nervous system, on our body, of the positives of practicing gratitude and not just saying I'm grateful for X, y, z, like truly feeling why you're grateful for that in your body, like gratitude is perfect and amazing, and we should all practice gratitude because we have so much to be grateful for, even when we feel like we don't. But what toxic positivity is saying bypass your human experience, just always be happy, just don't worry about it. It's like when you're like really angry, like you're really frustrated something, and your partner's like, well, just don't worry about it, and you're like, gee, thanks, honey, Like I'm fucking fixed now. Now I'm not bothered, like it's bypassing how you're actually feeling.
Speaker 0:Compassion is not that. Compassion is actually about being able to accept yourself in the good and the bad of all of the human experiences. It's being able to accept yourself when you're winning, when you're succeeding, when everything's going amazing, and it's also being able to be compassionate to yourself when you fuck up, when you make a mistake, when you fail, when you lose it at your partner or you lose it at your kids. It's being able to not come down hard on yourself. That's what compassion is. And with compassion comes observation and curiosity.
Speaker 0:Without being able to be curious about your behaviors, your actions and your emotions, you will keep repeating the same shit over and over and over again, and that's what shame does. Shame keeps us stuck in a loop of playing out the same crap over and over again because we keep building on the same neural pathways, which makes it hard to form new neural pathways. So what compassion allows us to do is to be like, okay, that's interesting that I did that or that I said that or that I thought that about myself, or that I judged somebody else, or that I lost it at my partner, or I snapped at my kids. Why did I do that? How was I feeling in that moment? What was happening in the lead up to that moment? How was I feeling in my body?
Speaker 0:Being able to be curious allows you to grow. What trigger was coming up there? Was I triggered by something? Is there a past trauma there? Is there something you know, unconscious there, a belief or a wound or something that has been, you know, really hit there, and can I look at that?
Speaker 0:But when we're shaming ourselves, we can't get curious, and without curiosity we never learn more about ourselves, and if we don't learn about ourselves, then we don't actually grow. This is why compassion is one of the biggest and most important things when it comes to personal growth and it comes to being the person, that higher version of yourself, that version of yourself that gets shit done, that version of yourself that achieves every single thing that you want to achieve. The other thing with compassion is like if you know that you're going to try something and there's a possibility of it failing, but you know you're actually going to be kind to yourself. In in in that failure, the chance you actually go for more things is way fucking higher, because failure is no longer your biggest fear. We only fear failure because we fear that people are going to judge us for it or that we're going to judge ourselves. But when we don't give a fuck what other people think and we're no longer our own worst critic, it's okay to fail. We're going to learn the lesson and we're going to keep moving forward. We're going to move with the redirection. That wasn't our path and I'm actually okay with that, and that is so freaking powerful, freaking powerful.
Speaker 0:Last thing I want to say on this is that nobody is you, babe. Nobody is you. You are so unique in all of your flaws, in all of your weaknesses and in all of your strengths, and I want you to be able to see that within yourself. All of those things up until this point, listening to this podcast, that you have deemed as wrong, bad or something that you need to be embarrassed about or you shame yourself for maybe fuck-ups that you have, maybe being dysregulated, maybe it's snapping at your kids, maybe it's getting frustrated at your partner, maybe it's being scared to do the thing that you know you want to do. I want you to have compassion for that part of you, because that part of you is there for a reason. I also want you to know that every single human being is capable of healing and coming back home to themselves, and that doesn't mean being a perfect human being.
Speaker 0:We all have these unhinged parts of ourselves, these parts of our personality that we're like oh, that's too much, or I can't do that, or I can't say that, or I can't want that need, that desire that, and I think the most powerful and incredible things we can do for ourselves as human beings is accept all of ourselves. And that sounds so like just love yourself. No, it's not about just loving yourself, because if you go from a place of I don't know myself and someone just says, well, just love yourself, babe, it's like, well, those two things are so fucking far apart. There's like a mountain in between those two things. There is a whole process and a whole journey that has to take place before those two things can fucking happen. And it is understanding your trauma, really being able to look at it, which isn't always easy, and I get that, and that is why you need that supportive environment. You need to have someone who can hold you in that and who actually knows how to navigate that with you, because it can be really tricky.
Speaker 0:It's being able to understand your belief systems. Where have they come from? What do you believe? Why do you believe that you are not good enough? Why do you believe that you know your body needs to look a certain way? Why do you believe that other people have it, you know, have something that you don't? Why do you believe those are all beliefs? Every time you think something that is a belief, why do you believe that? Get curious about that, because you can't change beliefs unless you know what they actually are. Even our relationship to food, even our relationship to what our body needs to look at, all of these are such powerful things for us to heal. It is being able to understand well, what are your patterns. Where have your patterns come from? Where do they play out? What are your fears? Truly, what are your fears and what wounds are they linked to? Where have they come from? How can we challenge them? How can we push your comfort zone Like there are so many things that can happen but that process that I just talked about from A to B, from you feeling a little bit lost, a little bit disconnected and not where you want to be right now, not who you want to be right now to being this confident, fucking badass bitch who is just going after every single freaking dream that she could ever bloody think up living this most amazing life, that process between the two.
Speaker 0:That cannot happen unless we have compassion for ourselves, unless we can start to work on being kind to ourselves, reducing that like inner negative critic and learning to accept all of those parts of us. Accepting doesn't mean we don't want to not change them. If that makes sense, like we can accept something and equally we can want to change it, we can accept. I understand why I'm a people pleaser. I accept this. Equally, I want to be able to create change in that, so I can set boundaries, so I can be happy, so I can stop living for everybody else. I can accept that. I understand why I care what people think. I know why I care what people think. I get that now I can have compassion for that. Well, equally, I don't want to give a fuck what people think, so now I'm going to work on changing that from a place of love. This is why compassion is so important.
Speaker 0:Anyways, this was a real quick episode. I really hope you got a lot out of this. I hope this was like a pep talk that you needed to hear. Stop being a bitch to yourself. Basically, to summarize it if you want to create real change, you want to be that person. You want to be the person who's making more money, getting promotions, starting the business, losing the weight, feeling fucking hot in your body, feeling like sexy bloody queen, no longer feeling like you aren't good enough, aren't worthy. You don't want to compare yourself anymore. You want to feel like this is me. I fucking love me, I accept me and I know that I can achieve every single thing that I put my mind to and I don't doubt myself and I trust myself to be that person.
Speaker 0:You first have to be kind to the person that you are listening to this right now. Have the best fucking day, have the best morning, afternoon, night, whatever. You're listening to this. As usual, it always helps me out. If you've listened to the podcast. Screenshot it, tag me, let me know, I love to hear it. Tag the podcast page and please, please, leave a rating. It means the world to me. Like you guys have no idea, I fucking love this podcast. I love knowing that you listen to it. Um so, let me know, let me know your takeaways and I'll talk to you next time. Love yous.