Piece Of Mind Podcast

Ep 31: What No One Is Telling You About Personal Growth

• Ashley Badman

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Real growth isn't always pretty or intuitive, and the things no one tells you about personal development can leave you questioning whether you're doing it wrong. We dive into the misconceptions about healing and share why discomfort might actually be a sign that your inner work is working.

• The false belief that wanting to change means you don't accept yourself
• How growth often feels worse before it feels better as your system reorganizes
• Why triggers aren't proof of failure but invitations to develop awareness
• The limitation of only focusing on mindset without addressing nervous system regulation
• How aligned actions often feel uncomfortable initially because they're new to you
• The myth that you need closure or apologies from others to fully heal
• Why the messiest, most uncomfortable parts of growth are often signs of real transformation
• The importance of recognizing that growth isn't linear—you're allowed to have both good and challenging days

Your triggers aren't proof that you haven't healed enough—they're just evidence that you're human. Real growth isn't about becoming unbothered; it's about creating space between trigger and response, recognizing what's happening, and slowly learning to regulate yourself through it.

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Speaker 1:

welcome back to the peace of mind podcast. This is going to be a little bit of a fun one today, because there's so much talk these days around personal growth and healing and doing the work, and whilst I love that, I love that it's becoming more mainstream. Obviously we want more people doing the inner work because it makes for a better world. I also think there's a lot of bullshit out there, a lot of watered down advice and a lot of things people aren't saying that need to be said, because, when it comes to real growth and the people that know you know the people that are on the journey you know that it's not always pretty. It's to real growth and the people that know you know the people that are on the journey. You know that it's not always pretty, it's not always intuitive and it definitely doesn't always feel good. But what happens is people go into this work thinking it's going to be like empowering and beautiful and filled with these big breakthrough moments and experiences, and then, when it gets messy or painful or uncomfortable, they start questioning whether they're doing it wrong. They think they've failed or they think, oh, I'm just not cut out for it, this work doesn't work for me, I'm still the same. They either go negative internally or they go negative externally and feel like things just don't work for them. And that's where I see so many people give up on themselves, not because they're incapable of change, but because they were given the wrong expectations to begin with. But because they were given the wrong expectations to begin with. So in this episode, buckle in.

Speaker 1:

I want to share five things that most people aren't telling you about personal growth, five things that I believe could completely shift how you move through this work, especially if you've been doing all the quote unquote right things but still feel stuck or frustrated or disconnected. This isn't about tearing down the personal growth space, the mindset space or any of the personal development world whatever we want to call it. I love this work. I love personal development. I'm studying a whole last degree because I'm so fascinated by how the mind works and the brain works and the nervous system and trauma and healing and, you know, reaching our full potential, all of that stuff. But I want to bring it back to what's real. I want to help you see the parts of growth that no one's talking about so that when you do show up in your journey you don't question yourself, you actually understand what's happening. So if you're ready to see growth a little bit differently and maybe even feel a little bit more grounded in the process, this episode is going to be good for you. We're going to get straight into it.

Speaker 1:

So myth one wanting to grow means that you don't accept yourself. So let's start with this one, because I genuinely think it's one of the most damaging misunderstandings in the personal growth space and it stops people before they even get started. Somewhere along the way. We kind of took on this belief that wanting to change, wanting to approve, wanting to evolve must mean we're rejecting who we are now Like. If I want more, if I want better, then clearly I'm not happy with who I am or what I've got. And if I was really self-loving or healed or grounded, I wouldn't need anything to be different. And honestly, that's just not true. That's not growth. That's emotional gaslighting disguised as acceptance. Because the truth is you can fully love who you are and want more for yourself. You can be proud of how far you've come and still be hungry for expansion. You can have deep compassion for the version of you that survived everything you've been through and also recognize that certain patterns, behaviors or beliefs aren't meant to come with you into the next chapter.

Speaker 1:

We've been taught to associate growth with shame, that the only reason we'd want to change is because something's wrong with us. But in reality, the healthiest growth comes from self-respect, not from self-rejection, from that inner knowing that says I'm actually capable of more. I'm not here to stay in survival mode forever. I deserve to evolve and I trust myself enough to do it. The problem with this as well is that people think that something has to be wrong in order for them to actually work on themselves, that there has to be some sort of problem to be fixed, that they have to be broken, and that's just not the case.

Speaker 1:

At every new level in our life that we want for ourselves, if we want something new, if we want to grow, if we want to achieve new things, it is going to require another level of ourselves. It is going to require what we don't currently have within ourselves. What we have right now has got us to where we are right now, but what we want in the future the new thing, the bigger thing, the bigger goal, the bigger expansion is also going to require something different from us. It's going to require deeper self-awareness, deeper self-acceptance. It's going to require a new level of self-discipline, of respect. It's also going to require a new level of nervous system regulation.

Speaker 1:

What you have right now is what you can currently hold. If you want more in your life, more abundance, more money, more career promotions, more career progression, you want your business to be doing better, you want more happiness, fulfillment, whatever it is, then you have to actually prep your nervous system to be able to hold all of that. It's not enough to just be like I want more. I want more than I have right now, but I'm not willing to change anything within myself or grow within myself as a person or change anything about my nervous system to get there. And that's just so unfair to yourself. It's so unfair to put that pressure and expectation that you want all of these things but you're not willing to do that inner work and that nervous system work to allow yourself to be regulated for that level to be able to hold more, because that's what it is.

Speaker 1:

The bigger the goal is, the bigger the achievement, the more that we have to hold, and not just in the good shit, not just the more money and the more achievements and the more clients and the more business growth, whatever. Quite often, all of that that we want comes with more responsibility. It comes with actually being able to hold more pressure. It comes with being able to actually showcase to yourself that I'm fucking resilient and I can do this. It does require more of you, and that's not a bad thing. It's actually a really fucking cool thing, because each and every single one of you that are listening to this, each and every single one of the every person on this fucking planet, is able to get to that level.

Speaker 1:

We are able to push ourselves, we are able to expand ourselves, but a lot of the time, people set these goals for themselves and they only change their habits. They think what do I need to do externally to be able to have that thing? And then they get disheartened when they self-sabotage, when perfectionism creeps in, when comparison creeps in, when self-doubt creeps in, when they get in their own way, when their confidence takes a hit, when they're unable to overcome the hurdles and challenges that come with moving to that next level. Because those are the very things that you have to work on. You have to be able to work on those things to be able to grow the kind of growth that actually lasts.

Speaker 1:

It's not built on you just criticizing yourself. It's built on honesty. It's built on saying this version of me helped get me here and I'm so fucking grateful for this version of me right now. I truly, truly am, and you have to say that to yourself and mean it. But I don't need to just stay here just to prove I accept myself. I get to love myself and outgrow what no longer serves me. At the same time and I think this is especially important for people who are already doing the work it's important for everyone.

Speaker 1:

But if you're already doing the work because when you feel like you've been on this path for a while, when you've already done a lot of healing, it can feel like wanting more means you're not grateful or like continuing to grow somehow means you didn't do the work properly. But that's just not true. Growth isn't linear. You're not meant to reach any point and then you're done. So if you've been holding yourself back from evolving because you're scared, it means you're not accepting yourself. I want to challenge that belief.

Speaker 1:

Maybe the most self-accepting thing you can do right now is listen to the part of you that wants more. Not because you're broken, not because you're behind, but because you're alive, because you're human, and growth is a natural part of that. It gives us purpose, it gives us something to feel we have meaning in our life. You don't need to stay in a version of yourself just to prove a point. You don't have to perform self-love by staying small. Real self-love says I trust myself, to keep growing, even when it's messy, even when it's uncomfortable, even if it requires letting go of old versions of me that once felt safe. Wanting more doesn't mean you're not enough. It means you're awake to what's truly possible for you, and that is such a cool and powerful place to grow from.

Speaker 1:

All right, moving on to myth number two. So this one might be a bit of a hard pill to swallow, but it's also one of the most important to understand if you're serious about doing this work. Because the idea that personal growth will immediately make you feel better, that once you start healing things will just click and feel lighter and more peaceful, is honestly setting people up for disappointment. And it's not that growth won't lead to peace or joy or fulfillment. It absolutely can. But it's also true that more often than not, the process of real growth like real, actual inner deep shit, the deep growth that actually changes your life quite often feels worse before it feels better, because what you're actually doing when you grow is disrupting everything your system has come to rely on to feel safe, even if those things were dysfunctional or self-sabotaging or completely out of alignment and just not helpful for you. You're not just learning new skills and new habits or setting new goals. You're challenging your default patterns, your deeply wired beliefs, your nervous system, survival responses. And as soon as you start shifting those things, everything that was built around them, your coping mechanisms, your self-concept, your relationship, your routines, your habits it starts to get shaken. That's why real growth can feel quite emotionally intense.

Speaker 1:

You might feel maybe a bit more anxious, more irritable, more lost. You might question everything, you might grieve versions of yourself that you're outgrowing or feel disconnected from people who used to feel familiar. And when that happens, a lot of people panic. They think this isn't working. I should feel better by now. I must be doing something wrong.

Speaker 1:

But that discomfort isn't proof of failure. It's a sign that your system is reorganizing. It's proof that you are growing. This is the part no one prepares you for the fact that healing doesn't always feel like healing, that growth doesn't always feel like progress. Sometimes it feels like you're falling apart, not because you are, but because the part of you that were built around survival or perfectionism or people pleasing are starting to actually unravel, and that unraveling feels unfamiliar. But just because it's unfamiliar doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means you're in the in between. You've left the old patterns, but the new ones aren't fully formed yet. You're building something new, but your system hasn't quite caught up to it, and that's fucking hard, it's uncomfortable, it's emotional. But it's also the part where you are truly fucking growing.

Speaker 1:

People feel like growth is like oh my God I've said the beautiful affirmation to myself and all the like, happy things and all the amazing things. There can be some growth in that for sure. But the growth where you are actually understanding yourself on a deeper level, your patterns, your belief systems, where you're changing your brain and you're rewiring your neural pathways and you're removing patterns that don't serve you and you're starting to understand your true identity and you're starting to understand the identity that you currently live by and where it came from and your conditioning and your trauma and all the fucking things. When you're doing that work, it can be like well, shit, this is a, this is a feeling exactly like I thought it would feel and people can avoid. They can be like. It's not working. For me, this doesn't feel good, so I don't want to do it.

Speaker 1:

Growth isn't supposed to be easy. It's supposed to be honest, and sometimes honesty does hurt, especially when we're being extremely honest with ourselves. But the goal of this work is not to bypass discomfort. It's supposed to be honest and sometimes honesty does hurt, especially when we're being extremely honest with ourselves. But the goal of this work is not to bypass discomfort, it's to develop the capacity to hold it, to move through it and to come out the other side more connected to who you actually are. But you've got to. You've got to get through it. You've got to get through this challenging time where it's like fuck, what is life and who am I and what am I doing, and I feel so lost. The pain, the crying, the sadness, the grief, the anger, the frustration all of those can be, and likely will be, emotions that you feel when you are actually working towards this better version of yourself. So if you've been on this path and wondering why you don't feel quote unquote better yet, maybe it's not because you're broken, which you're definitely not. Maybe it's because you're finally interrupting the patterns that have been running your life for years and your system is actually trying to catch up. Maybe you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing and maybe it's actually fucking working, because if it's hard, it doesn't mean it's not working. It means the work is actually working.

Speaker 1:

Growth doesn't always feel like peace. Sometimes it feels like disruption, but that disruption is clearing space for something much better and much bigger and much more grounded and clear. There is peace, there is joy, there is happiness, there is that inner sense of freedom and contentment. For sure, but it's not going to happen in a week or a day. It's like you have to go through the gnarly shit. You have to face yourself and overcome yourself and be honest with yourself If you want all of that good shit. It's like you know, wanting to get to the end of the finish line of a marathon, but not actually having to hurt to get there, not having to train, not having to push yourself, not having to go through this comfort you just want to cross the fucking finish line.

Speaker 1:

It doesn't work like that. We have to face that, that the the inner workings of everything, and do the hard work. And then we get there and we get to that fucking finish line and we're like holy shit, amazing, I feel so good. And then we keep going, we grow more and we fucking move the finish line because we're human and we want to feel like we're working on towards something. We want to feel like we're growing and evolving. It gives us purpose. If we never had a goal, if we weren't trying to grow or evolve as people, what would we be doing? Life would be so fucking flat. And if you do feel flat, and if you do feel like life feels a little bit blah, it probably is because you aren't giving yourself anything to work towards. You don't feel like you're growing and evolving as a person. You feel stuck and stagnant in who you are and who you've always been. That's why personal growth and personal development it can be fucking addictive, because you're like, oh shit, like this feels fucking good, I feel like I'm actually bettering myself and it's giving me purpose. And you're not. The purpose isn't the goal. The purpose is you. You are the goal. The purpose isn't to achieve something. The purpose is you actually working towards the best version of you, and the goals are just things that you take off along the way that feel fucking cool to do, but the purpose is always you.

Speaker 1:

Myth number three if you're still getting triggered, you're not doing enough healing. That's the myth. Obviously that's not the actual thing that I'm saying. I'm debunking this myth, and this one hits hard because I think a lot of people carry a lot of silent shame around the fact that they still get triggered even after all the work they've done. They think I should be past this by now. Why is this still coming up? Clearly I haven't healed enough. If this still bothers me, and that belief alone can become another form of self-abandonment because, instead of recognizing the trigger as an invitation to get curious, they take it as evidence that they're failing. But what we need to understand here is that getting triggered doesn't mean you haven't healed. It doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean you're not doing enough. It just means you're human. A lot of people go into healing and they're like it's almost like they expect they're going to become a robot and that they're no longer going to be human and have the human experience. You are not becoming less human. You're still human. You still feel, you still have emotions. That's what makes us so brilliant and beautiful.

Speaker 1:

Your triggers are not proof that the work isn't working. They're proof that your nervous system and emotional memory are still active, which of course they are. You've lived through things, you've adapted, you've survived. Your body remembers, and healing doesn't erase that memory. We're not trying to erase you. We're not trying to erase the things that you've gone through. We can't. It's impossible. What has happened has happened. What it actually does is it helps you build a new relationship to it.

Speaker 1:

Growth is not about becoming someone who never reacts. It's not about walking through life unbothered by everyone and everything that would feel so shit. That's actually in itself, a protective mechanism of just being numb. We don't want to be numb, we want to feel. It's about creating space between the trigger and the reaction. It's about recognizing what's happening as it's happening and slowly learning how to respond instead of react. It's about recognizing what's happening as it's happening and slowly learning how to respond instead of react. That's what real healing looks like Not the absence of emotion, but the presence of awareness.

Speaker 1:

You feel the wave of irritation or fear or hurt and, instead of spiraling or shutting down like you used to, you catch it. You pause, you breathe, and maybe not every time, maybe not perfectly, but more often, and with more compassion and with more regulation. That is actually progress. That is what healing actually is. We're not aiming for perfection. We're aiming for resilience, for emotional capacity, for the ability to come back to yourself when something pulls you away. And this is where I see so many people fall into the trap of thinking their triggers disqualify them from being healed enough. But you don't need to be trigger-free to be self-aware. You don't need to feel amazing all of the time to be making progress. In fact, sometimes the people who are growing the most are the ones who do feel more, because they're finally awake to what's going on inside of them. So if you've been telling yourself that you must not be healed because you still react, you still get overwhelmed, you still feel sensitive in certain situations, I just want to say to you you're not behind, you're not broken. You're just becoming more aware, and that awareness, that is the beginning of that self-mastery that we're all kind of trying to achieve, which is why we work on ourselves. You don't need to eliminate every trigger. You just need to actually learn to meet the truth with softness and a nervous system that doesn't go into a full collapse, the moment you feel something deeply, because growth isn't about being unbothered. It's about learning how to return to yourself again and again and again, with compassion and regulation and choice. That's what this work is really about, all right.

Speaker 1:

Myth number four the myth is mindset is everything, which, as soon as it comes out of my mouth, I feel like you're going to be like what the fuck? Aren't you a mindset coach? And I'm like I feel like I need to come up with a new name, because what I do is so much more than mindset coaching. But this myth you've probably heard it a hundred times that mindset is everything and it's all over personal growth spaces, business coaching, instagram quotes. And while I understand the intention behind it and I do believe that mindset plays a huge role in growth this idea has become so oversimplified that it actually keeps people stuck.

Speaker 1:

Because, the thing is, your mindset does matter, but it's not the whole story. You can journal your affirmations, you can shift your thoughts, you can repeat new beliefs in the mirror and still find yourself looping through the same behaviors that keep you stuck. And when that happens, most people assume that they just haven't done enough mindset work. But what's actually going on is deeper than that. You can change your thoughts all day long, but if your nervous system is still in a state of survival, your body will keep pulling you back into the familiar patterns, because your brain might believe something new is possible. But your body is still wired to keep you safe. And safe for a lot of us means staying small, staying quiet, staying overcommitted, staying stuck in cycles where outgrown simply because they were familiar. Mindset work becomes powerful when it's paired with regulation, when it's supported by nervous system capacity, when your body feels safe enough to believe the new thoughts you're trying to introduce. And that's what most people aren't being told.

Speaker 1:

It is not just about positive thinking. It's about subconscious reprogramming, it's about identity, it's about environment. You could do all of the mental work in the world, but if your nervous system is still bracing for impact every time that you try to expand, or your subconscious still believes you're not safe to be seen, or your identity is still wrapped up in struggle or self-sacrifice, you will resist the very things that you say you want. And that's not because you're not trying hard enough. It's because you haven't been taught how to work with your full system, not just your thoughts.

Speaker 1:

Real change is integrated change. It touches your mindset, of course, yes, but also your patterns, your nervous system, your emotions, your beliefs, your sense of identity. It's not a one-dimensional process, process, and when we kind of like, pretend it is, we leave people spinning in self-doubt and wondering why they can't think their way into better habits or easier outcomes. So if you have done all the mindset work, if you've journaled, visualized, read the books, done the courses, and you're still stuck in the same patterns, please hear me when I say it's not that your mindset isn't strong enough, it's that you might be missing the integration piece, the part where your nervous system gets involved, the part where your beliefs are rewired at a subconscious level, the part where you stop just thinking differently and actually feel safe enough to really live differently. Because mindset work is powerful, but it is not everything. You don't just need better thoughts, you need a system that can hold the life those thoughts are calling you toward and that is where that real work begins.

Speaker 1:

And lastly, myth number five if it's not flowing, it's not aligned. So this one tends to trip many people up, especially the ones who are very self-aware and intuitive and deeply in tune with their emotions. There's this belief kind of floating around that if something doesn't feel like flowy or easy or intuitively aligned right away, then it must not be the right thing, that it's resistant, or it's misalignment or a sign from the universe that you should turn back. However, growth is rarely ever smooth at the start. In fact, the things that are most aligned with the version of you you're becoming often feel the least natural at first, not because they're wrong, but because they're new. And let's be real, if your nervous system is wired for people pleasing, then setting boundaries is going to feel uncomfortable. If you've always been the one who outworks to prove your worth, then resting is going to feel lazy. If you've spent years playing small to stay safe, then taking up space is going to feel fucking terrifying. That doesn't mean those actions are misaligned. It means your wiring is still catching up to the identity you're stepping into.

Speaker 1:

So we have to stop assuming that alignment will always feel peaceful or intuitive, because sometimes alignment feels awkward as fuck before it feels true to you. Sometimes it feels very clunky or vulnerable or uncomfortable, especially if it's the opposite of what you've been practicing for most of your life. And honestly, this is a part of growth that I wish more people understood. Because when you finally start doing the things that are aligned with your next level things like saying no, showing up confidently, asking for more, moving slower or choosing freaking pace over chaos there will almost always be a part of you that wants to run from that. That part isn't your intuition, it's your conditioning, it's a survival response. So alignment isn't always about how something feels in the moment. It's about whether it moves you closer to the life and the values and the version of you that you actually want to embody. And that version of you, of course, she's going to feel very unfamiliar at first. She's going to make choices that go against your old programming. She's going to stretch your nervous system and challenge your beliefs like crazy. That doesn't mean it's wrong. It actually means it's working. So next time you start doing something that's good for you but it feels clunky or scary or unnatural, I want you to ask yourself does this actually feel wrong or does it just feel unfamiliar? Because discomfort isn't always a red flag. In fact, usually it's a big fat green flag. Sometimes it's the cost of becoming who you're actually meant to be.

Speaker 1:

Before we go because I feel like I'm on a roll, I want to add one more myth. Myth number six, bonus myth that you need closure or an apology to move on. I feel like there's this unspoken belief that in order to heal, in order to let go, in order to fully move forward, we need closure, we need the other person to take full responsibility, we need the apology, we need the explanation, we need to know why, the moment where everything finally makes sense, and while that desire is so fucking valid like I absolutely get why you want that and why you desire it, especially if you were hurt or betrayed or abandoned the reality is that waiting for closure can keep you stuck in cycles that just aren't serving you, because sometimes the closure you're waiting for is actually just never going to come and even if it does, it really gives you the kind of resolution you think it will. Most people don't have the awareness, the courage or the emotional maturity to actually acknowledge the ways that they've hurt others, not because you don't deserve that apology, but because they're just not capable of giving it. And if your healing is hinged on someone else changing or explaining or understanding you, then your peace is always going to be conditional. It's always going to be tied to people who probably couldn't meet you where you needed them, even when you were still in it. Real healing happens when you decide to stop needing them to come with you, when you stop needing them to co-sign your pain in order for it to be real, when you stop waiting for the perfect ending and actually just start choosing yourself instead.

Speaker 1:

Closure doesn't have to be a conversation. Sometimes, closure is just clarity. It's recognizing what happened, it's feeling what it brought up and it's deciding consciously and fully that this chapter doesn't hold power over you anymore. It's choosing to process what they'll never admit and it's learning to forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time, and it's giving yourself the compassion and the validation and the care that you are actually hoping to get from them. That's what real closure is. It's not about tying things up neatly. It's about setting yourself free. Even if the ending was messy, even if the apology never comes, you don't need them to heal with you, you just need you.

Speaker 1:

So to finish it up here if you've ever felt like you're doing all of the right things but it still feels messy or hard or like nothing's working, please know that's not proof that you're failing. That's usually a sign that you're actually in it, because real growth isn't this neat, aligned, inspiring little journey. Sometimes it feels like complete chaos. Sometimes it feels like everything's falling apart. Sometimes you're like, wait, am I healing or am I fucking losing it? And that's normal, that's a part of it. You don't have to feel good all of the time to be growing. You don't have to be perfectly regulated to be doing the work, and you definitely don't need to be trigger-free and unbothered and high vibe to be making progress. You're allowed to want more and still accept where you are. You're allowed to have days where you're like I've got this and days where you're like what the hell am I doing? That is the process.

Speaker 1:

So if you're in that in-between space where the old stuff doesn't fit but the new stuff hasn't quite landed, just really know you're not behind you. You're not broken. You're just rebuilding. And yeah, it's going to feel clunky at times, it's going to feel weird and awkward and emotional, but that doesn't mean it's not working. It just means you're changing and that's the point, right? That's the whole fucking point of life. You're not supposed to stay the same. You're supposed to grow out of things. You're supposed to shift. You're allowed to outgrow parts of yourself that once felt like home. So keep going, keep checking in with yourself and, most of all, stop thinking that you're doing it wrong, because it's hard Growth is meant to stretch you, it's meant to challenge you and you're probably doing a lot better than you think and you're probably not giving yourself enough credit. Hope you guys love this one and I will see you in the next one.