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Piece Of Mind Podcast
Welcome to Piece of Mind, where we piece together the parts of your mind to help you live a life that’s authentic, unapologetic, and absolutely fulfilling.
I’m your host Ashley Badman, a mindset coach and psychology student, here to guide you through the world of subconscious re-programming, relationships, belief systems, and patterns.
This isn’t your typical mindset podcast. We’re diving deep into the core of who you are, tackling everything from self-sabotage and people-pleasing to attachment styles and beyond. We’ll uncover the deeper shit that makes you who you are, so you can grow, evolve, and build a life you’re obsessed with.
Expect a mix of evidence-based insights, energetic shifts, and a touch of chaos as we explore how to heal, optimize, and re-program your life.
This podcast is for those who refuse to settle, who are committed to living life fully and getting the best for themselves.
Get ready for straight talk, practical strategies, and a few surprises along the way. If you’re ready to stop hiding from yourself and start living unapologetically, you’re in the right place. Tune in and let’s get into it.
Piece Of Mind Podcast
Ep 39: [So This Is 30] Breakups, Lesbian Dating, and Owning Who You Are W/ Inez Bye
The 30s can be a time of unexpected reinvention and newfound freedom, as business coach Inez Bayer shares her journey of ending an engagement at 31 and completely redefining her life path.
If you're feeling pressure to have everything figured out in your 30s, remember that this decade can be about discovery, not just settling down. Your 30s don't have to look like anyone else's - they just need to be true to you.
Welcome to. So this Is 30, a little series where I sit down with real, everyday women to talk about what it's actually like to leave your 20s and step into your 30s. We're chatting about all things. No one really prepares you for relationship beginnings and breakups, career pivots, big questions around kids, identity shifts, friendships changing and figuring out who you actually are now, because this decade deserves to be talked about. It's messy, it's powerful and it's worth celebrating, and I can't think of a better way than having honest, unfiltered conversations with women who are right in it.
Speaker 1:Today, I'm sitting down and chatting to Inez Bayer. She's a business coach, she runs her own online business and she's an absolute vibe. The minute she said yes to coming on the podcast, I knew this would be a rogue and brilliant and nothing off limits kind of chat, and it did not disappoint. We quite literally talk about everything. We talk about breakups, identity shifts, moving into a share house in your 30s, the freedom of starting over lesbian relationships, sex sleepovers, co-parenting, a dog choosing to carry a baby, and why women in their 30s should be making more time for their friendships, not less. This episode is funny and deep and unexpected and full of real life reminders that your 30s don't have to look like anyone else's, you don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be honest about where you are and what you actually want. Next let's dive into the episode. So welcome, inez. Thank you for agreeing to be on this randomized podcast, having no idea what we're actually going to talk about. How are you feeling about being here today and talking about you being in?
Speaker 2:your 30s, literally. The one little bit of information I had was we're going to talk about being 30 and I'm like, yeah, I fit that bill. I'm 31 and a half, so let's go. I'm so excited, I'm just excited to get to chat to you as well.
Speaker 1:Me, too, I've got Inez on here and we've been chatting for like 15 minutes prior because I'm just like I love getting to connect with people and I've followed Inez for quite some time now and she's genuinely such a vibey person, and when she was like fuck yeah, like get prepared to have a very interesting conversation, because I've just, yeah, I followed you for ages and you share your life. You're obviously a business coach, but you share so much more than that, and you're such an interesting like there is no other business coach like you.
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure in your bio you have like number one lesbian business coach in the world.
Speaker 2:Literally got to find my target market.
Speaker 1:You know I still work with all straight people, but it's a slow, slow climb, but this is what I mean, like someone who has that is the first thing in their bio. It's like vibes, like I want to talk to this person. So you're 31 and a half, I mean you're fresh into the 30s, I'm also fresh into the 30s, I love. You said 31 and a half, like we were not fucking around with 31, like we're so much more mature than with 31.
Speaker 1:We're half like about that oh my god what did you think going into your 30s would feel like? Obviously that's not that long ago either. So when you're like 27, 28, 29. You're getting there. You're creeping forward to your 30s. What in your mind did you think it was going to be like, and how is it different to what you thought?
Speaker 2:wow, there's so many different ways that I could go with this question. But I think when I turned 29, my mom called me and she was like I had you when I was 29. And I remember the conversation, I know exactly where I was. I was down at the beach at the time I was living in Bondi in Sydney and I was down doing my morning regular beach walk and mom's like yeah, I had you when I turned 29. And I remember hearing that and being like I can't have a fucking baby like Ash. Obviously you've already had two kids. But I was like I'm basically a teen mom, like at 29 that's how I felt. I felt so like a baby, and at the time I think I was almost engaged. So I like had a pretty stable life. You know, I lived with my partner. We were planning to get married, but even still at 29, I was like I still feel like a child and I it's really interesting Cause like obviously the way that my mom's life was and probably you know a lot of our moms or parents they had children much younger, and it's interesting for me as well because my sister, who's two years younger than me, is also married, and so that was like a really weird feeling when my little sister got married first.
Speaker 2:But I think, coming into my 30s, I was in a really different place to even where I'm at now. So when I was 30, me and my partner got engaged, we moved into a house together, we bought a dog together and then, probably last year, I actually ended that engagement and moved out of that house and kind of shattered the ideal version of what 30 looks like. And so I would have to say that when I first turned 30, I was like, yep, I've got my life sorted because I knew what my life was going to look like. I was planning on getting married, I had the dog, I had the house, I had this vision of us like building a family. So I think when I turned 30, I was a little bit like settled and expectant of what my life was and I was feeling those roles of what is normal, I suppose, whereas now that I'm like 31, I and I've like left that engagement, I've moved out of that house. I'm actually moving into a share house at the end of this month, which is super fucking random, especially, as you mentioned, I'm a business coach and so I had all this ego stuff come up of like, are you really going to move into a share house? And being a 31 year old, I'm like, are you actually going to be like living that experience again?
Speaker 2:And so it's been really interesting over the last couple of months to just completely flip all of the kind of normal scripts of what a early 30 year old woman does, because I'm just like fully redefining my life and like have just changed my identity completely, what I do feel really grateful for being like in my early thirties and having, you know, now being single and not really doing the plan that I had seen for myself. I'm like, oh my God, I actually have a lot of freedom, like I I'm in a really good place in my business where I can go traveling at like a drop of a hat, like if I wanted to go to Bali tomorrow, I could. Um, I can like to have spent heaps of time with my friends and, thank God, I have two best friends who are also single, cause I think I speak to like some of my clients even, or just other people that I know, who find it really difficult when all of their friends are getting married, because it's such an interesting intersection and we were talking about this just before we got on the podcast of like how some people are buying a house and having their first baby and, you know, getting married which is like what my little sister is doing versus I have these other group of friends where we're like single and we're dating and we're traveling and we're experiencing all of these things, because it's not for everyone. I feel like I'm in a really grateful position because I'm in a place where I'm quite established in business, so I do get to have a lot of like freedom in the way that I live my life and I'm kind of just really try in my mind being like how cool is this that I have like no strings attached and there's grief with that too, because obviously I had a life where there was a lot of strings attached and I did love that, you know. But also there's an opportunity cost in every moment and people are having babies now like I do want to have a baby eventually, or maybe babies if I'm lucky enough.
Speaker 2:But I'm really inspired by like I'm pretty sure who was it. Was it Giselle Bundchen that just had a baby at like 45 with her karate instructor, or something like I'm so inspired by that stuff, or I think it was her jujitsu instructor, or you know like it's. No, it's so random I might even be getting the celebrity wrong. But anyway, we'll fact check that later. We're not coming here to for facts, yeah, and I just feel like we're all living longer, right, and we can all just like take advantage of the fact that we can have babies later. I mean, as you said, I'm a lesbian, so having babies is not going to be the easiest thing ever and I'm just like, oh well, it's already going to be hard, so I may as well just wait and make the most of it. You know, like I can't accidentally get pregnant to my, I mean, I guess again, opportunity cost, right literally dying at this whole conversation.
Speaker 1:I feel like it's been six minutes, so let's just six minutes. I got, I'm trying, like I literally have, like it's been six minutes and I feel like you have covered the absolute most, like there are so many things that you have said where I'm like wait, I want to know more of this. Do you know what's so interesting? So I had a girl on just before you that she's going to be the first episode of the 30s series, also just went through a breakup and she's 32 she was married, so she was married for three years.
Speaker 1:I feel so grateful that I'm facilitating a conversation where women in their 30s get to listen to these types of conversations where a lot of the time, there is this expectation that by 30, 31, 32, the questions that you're asking yourself are different, like when am I going to get married or where am I going to get married or what, when am I going to have children and all those different things.
Speaker 1:And you're like I'm deciding what share house that I'm going to live in and when I want to go to Bali next, like I actually think it's so cool to have those conversations. I agree with something you said there where you said it's nice to have you know, find think that is important and it's something. This is a very opposite of that. But I had babies, as you know, very young so 18 and 19.
Speaker 1:And it can feel very isolating when you were the only person experiencing such a big life thing at such a big moment in your life and I didn't know anyone at that time. That age and people my age now are just starting to have babies now so I also can't relate, because I'm like my daughter's, like 13 yeah, she's a full-grown adult at this rate, yeah.
Speaker 1:I have a literal giant child. I don't like people my age are talking about like sleep, training your baby, and I'm like what I'm trying to figure out, like how to talk to my daughter about periods and boyfriends and like it's such a different thing and I think it is nice to find your people.
Speaker 1:Like you can obviously have friends that are at different stages and I vibe with you so much and we are at completely opposite areas in our life at the same age, and I just think that's so cool that you can find you can find that connection in people that aren't living the same life as you. But I do think it's equally as important to hear people living the same story as you because it makes you feel not alone. I think sometimes and this was what I was gathering in the last episode with Jen as well Sometimes it can feel like when that happens and a breakup happens in late 20s, early 30s, it can feel very isolating because you thought your life was set and maybe you have friends that are all going down that path and all the different things. So I think it is important to find your people, but it sounds like. So how long ago was the breakup?
Speaker 2:It was November last year, so however many months, that is like seven, eight months now. So coming out of the traumatic end of it, I suppose.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's what I was going to say, like obviously we're getting the opportunity to talk to you seven months out of that situation. So I'm sure there has been a lot of questioning and a lot of healing, but it's nice to hear you say you're seeing the freedom in what you have now. Like if I was, if I was single right now, I would have kids to think like a literal like I just said, a 13 year old daughter who my decisions impact her so much.
Speaker 1:So I think it's like it's so great for you that you do have all of these options and you can do whatever the fuck you want. Like, listening to that, I'm like women, thirties, like it's not, it's not the end. It can be this beautiful, amazing beginning in a different way. Are you starting to feel that way? You're just like what, what, what am I gonna do? I can do whatever the fuck I want. Like, what are you feeling for the, for your 30s? What are you feeling is ahead of you?
Speaker 2:yeah, that's such a good question. I definitely, you know, when I left that relationship I was like what the fuck? Like? I felt a lot of and still do like I feel like what the fuck? Like? I felt a lot of and still do like. I feel like this is probably the first breakup I've ever experienced where I have like waves of it coming back. I feel like in past relationships and you know this would probably be the most significant relationship I had Like I've never been engaged before. So, like, definitely sometimes I'll have waves where I'm like what the fuck, you know, am I doing?
Speaker 2:But I also really didn't want to get to like 35, 40. I didn't want to get married if I wasn't 100 sure that this person was going to be the right fit for me or like the best fit for my life to, like, you know, make sure that I'm choosing someone that I can share it with for the long haul, and so what my 30s look like I'm. I was talking to my friend about it like a couple of months ago and I was saying how? Because me and my ex share a dog and we were co-parenting him initially, but I found that really difficult to do because it was like so triggering every time. And my friend said to me like yes, it's sad that you don't get to have your dog all the time, but also, again, you have so much freedom, right Like you can go anytime you want. You can go away, you can go overseas, you cannot be at home that night, you can sleep over at your friend's house. Like me, and I've got my two best friends we call each other the wives, and they're both single as well. And one of my other friends has just gone through a divorce by 30 as well, and it was not her plan.
Speaker 2:And I just think that I would not be as happy and grateful in my life without having that shared experience. Because we have sleepovers all the time. You know, like I'm having more sleepovers in my early 30s than I ever had in my like fricking mid 20s. You know, we like just always love to like gossip. We have three way calls all the time and I just feel really grateful for that experience because if I hadn't have gone through the breakup and I wasn't single yes, I'm still close to my friends, but it's so different when you, um, don't have anyone else basically to attach to in a way, and so what my 30s look like.
Speaker 2:And I've been thinking about this a lot because I'm like I never want to get into a relationship again where I kind of lose that deep connection with my friends, like I want to maintain that separation, where I'm still independent, cause I think you know, when I got into my last relationship I was like 26 and we all kind of dispersed in my friendship group a little bit into relationships and a lot of people did get married or they having kids or they are buying houses, and I feel like I've had a really beautiful opportunity where, yes, I've gone through this really painful breakup but like I'm closer to the people around me than ever before and I wouldn't have experienced that love like even for my parents as well. It's such an interesting dynamic because my sister is married and they bought an apartment, they have a mortgage my sister and her husband. Then it's my parents. I get like full on princess treatment because I'm like the single one and so like my parents will take me out to coffee or like we went on a family holiday and like I just get taken along by my parents like I'm the baby and I'm just like again.
Speaker 2:I have not experienced that since I was like 18 or something, I think, having gone through like quite a heartbreaking breakup.
Speaker 2:They were just like really took me under their wing, but like I had kind of given up that era of my life where, like, my parents take care of me so much and so I've just been in full like receiver mode of, like letting my parents take care of me, letting my little sister take care of me.
Speaker 2:You know, like I've been living with her for the last six months and again, I don't think I would be where I'm at had she not so generously offered her home up to me. Like living with her and her husband has been so healing for me, where I just feel really stable and I've had that really peaceful place and like a really comfortable place where I'm just like, wow, now I'm really close to my brother-in-law and I'm really close to my sister and I'm really close to my best friends, I'm really close to my family and I haven't really had that over the last probably 10 years. And so I see, for my thirties, just being trying my very best to maintain relationships like I have now, because I wouldn't, as I mentioned, have these connections had I not have gone through the breakup. And I do see like kids in my future eventually. I mean, got to figure that out how the fuck I have a baby.
Speaker 1:We shall see if that works out technology is very good these days, like I think, yeah, there is a lot of options, there are so many options. Yeah, the options are there.
Speaker 2:So we'll just have to figure it out and see how it goes. I mean my thing being like in the lesbian community or queer community. It's always like, but our babies won't look similar. You know, like I won't look like one another. So I'm kind of just like maybe, if I wait a few years, they will have developed the technology to like blend the eggs together in some way so that they can have both bits of the partners that is brilliant.
Speaker 1:Actually, that is super interesting. I never actually thought of that. I don't want to say, like I'm not going to say something that sounds offensive, because you know I love you but I don't think I actually have a lesbian friend or have had a lesbian friend.
Speaker 1:So now I'm sitting here and my brain's ticking with all these things that I want to ask you, cause I'm like, actually this is very interesting being in your 30s is very interesting and you said so many things there, so I want to touch on them first, but I do want to ask you questions about how you feel being in lesbian relationships and having babies and all those different things. I do want to ask about it, but something that you whether it will be the same wake-up call for them, but something you said was very interesting about you've had the opportunity to truly connect with your female friendships, your best friends, sleepovers and things that you don't do when you're in a relationship, and I just had a moment of just like, oh fuck, like actually I'm doing that, like the opposite of that, like I'm in my relationship. I've been together six years. I'm'm obsessed with him, I love him so much, but equally, then I can see the part of me that's like, oh, you know, in your thirties, now you have kids, you have a partner, you're not making as much effort to do those things.
Speaker 1:And at the start of this year so January, the friend that I was talking about that came on the podcast. Her and her husband split up and it was funny because we connected in a way that we hadn't with her in her marriage. So she came and stayed with me for a week. My kids were with their dad, so we it was just the two of us we stayed at my sister's house where she was on holidays.
Speaker 1:my sister has this like beautiful mansion, sauna pool, all the things we stayed there for a week together and we drank wine and we made steak and broccolini that took us 700 years and and we had dinner at 11 pm.
Speaker 1:We played card games, we chatted for like hours. We just did so many things and I was like holy shit, like we've been best friends since we were 12 as well and we hadn't had that connection in years. And it took her relationship breaking down for us to connect. We ended up going skydiving together, which she said like I would have never even considered flying to the Gold Coast and jumping out of a plane with you while I was married, and it's so funny that you make different decisions when you leave a relationship versus when you're in a relationship. It's made me reflect on like where maybe I myself, who is in a relationship, can connect more deeply with my friendships, have those like fun sleepovers where it's just you and them for a couple of days, not just a phone call text back and forth like a full fucking slumber party which was like, yes, that was like highlight of my life sleeping over.
Speaker 1:I know so, yeah, that was a really good reflection moment for me and I'm really grateful for you sharing that and even just the piece of being more connected to your parents. I don't want to keep referring back to the last podcast, but fuck me, you guys you and my friend jen, like you need to fucking connect because, yeah, she moved back home with her parents. She's like I've never felt more looked after and connected in my 30s than I have to my parents and I'm like guys like this is epic. But also, how can I do this still in a relationship? Because, yeah, when you get to your 30s, you do have these like well, I have I don't know. Sometimes I'm a bit of like deep thinker and I'm like calm the fuck down, you're 32, but like you get into your 30s and you start to realize like, wait, like life, life's like it keeps moving it keeps moving, but you're not getting younger.
Speaker 1:In your 20s you're kind of just like life is never ending and then your 30s and you're like, oh, and it does make you realize like your parents are also getting older and you should really make that time to connect with them and your friendships, like you're just getting more older and having more responsibilities.
Speaker 1:Connect, although, slay, I can totally envision us like probably not like together, but I mean we could totally. I'd be totally down for it. But like I could totally envision myself and see you doing this too of like 60 year old sleepovers with cocktails with your besties, like I'll be 60 years old literally, I'm obsessed with that yeah, vibing with my best friends, um, so thank you for sharing that and I just wanted to kind of reflect on that with you.
Speaker 1:But coming back to lesbian relationships, having babies, what are concerns that come up for you with that? What are worries in that community? Like you said, your baby not looking like you, how and I know you're not making the decision right now, but how does one make that decision of like whose egg it gets to be and like? I imagine that is a big discussion in the community.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, totally being in, like any queer relationship. There's so much more discussion that happens in general. Like even when me and my ex-partner were about to get engaged, the number one thing that people would always respond to me was like but who decides? Who proposes to the other person? And honestly it's. People think it's like tea, but I'm like you literally just have a conversation about it, like in a straight relationship. It's like just assumed that the man's going to propose, right, but like it's not that confusing. But people find it really confusing of just like who wants to propose? Okay, you want to be proposed to, I want to engage you. But me and my ex actually proposed to one another. I did it first. I did the most epic freaking engagement. So we'll pull that out again if I ever get engaged again. We know that I'm capable of it. Yeah, and in and the same goes for like having a baby. So there's so many different ways you can go about it. But again, it's just like a discussion.
Speaker 2:Like some people, some women and this is the great thing about being in a lesbian relationship you might want kids, but you might be fucking terrified of childbirth. I hear that all the time. Like I'm dating at the moment. So this question of like do you want to have kids, is coming up a lot, which is kind of hectic, but also I don't know if you know anything about lesbian relationships, but they do move at the speed of light. So that's something really interesting and a lot of the time the women that I'm dating will literally say like I want kids but I'm terrified of childbirth or I really don't want to be pregnant and I'll be like babe, that's fine, I'm happy to be pregnant. I mean, I don't know what it's going to be like, but I've always envisioned that in my so it's kind of a cool dynamic to be in because you get to just make the decision and I see like lesbian couples on TikTok where one of the couple both have a baby, they're both pregnant and you can do this really cool thing Like ideally what I would love with my future wife, lol, is we both carry each other's egg.
Speaker 2:So you get the egg taken out and then you put it into like my womb or whatever, and obviously you have to fucking buy some sperm somewhere and they just inseminate it. So it's very PG. But how fucking cool would that be to carry your partner's egg and like grow their baby, because then you would be a little bit more connected. But the concern with that is it's so expensive and like, yes, I'm in a good place in my business, but it's definitely like a non-straight tax that you really have to consider, because that's quite an elective, or I guess it is elective to be like oh, I want to carry my partner's egg.
Speaker 2:It's not as simple as just being like yep, cool, I want to put a baby in you. It's like okay, cool. Now we've got to find the egg, like go through the whole process, get it, it taken out, then get it inserted, then buy the sperm, then put that in there as well, make sure that. And sometimes it fails, like, and you know, obviously getting pregnant in general can be really hard, but that's definitely like a huge consideration. So then I'm kind of like do I just buy? Have you ever seen Jane the Virgin?
Speaker 1:No, but please, oh, yeah, no, I, oh, my God stop. Yes, I have. I was obsessed with Jane the Virgin. There you go. Oh, love it Obsessed. I want to watch it again now.
Speaker 2:I know honestly, because you know how she like, not not Jane, but her husband or partner's like ex-girlfriend you know how she like the blonde girl. She like gets the turkey baster and it like inseminates herself with his sperm. I like, is that factual? Like can I just get some sperm and like inseminate it into myself, because that seems like a much cheaper option than getting like a full fucking, you know?
Speaker 1:IVF situation chat to me dear, just be like chat to me. Please tell me how I inseminate myself on this lovely Monday afternoon honestly go to Coles get turkey based. Yeah, literally so funny. That is hilarious. I knew this conversation was gonna be so rogue and I'm it's like go to Coles get turkey based. Yeah, literally so funny.
Speaker 1:That is hilarious, I knew this conversation was going to be so rogue and I'm so fucking here for it, but I love how you're just like. You just have a conversation. You literally just ask like who would prefer to propose and who wouldn't, who would prefer to carry a baby and who wouldn't, and us, like straight folk over here, are like oh my God, it must be so hard. You literally just talk to each other Honestly. Yeah, it's actually so funny. I actually have heard that lesbian relationships do move at the speed of light and I'm very interested to know as to why do you think that is? Is it like we're in our thirties now so we have to have these conversations, or is it like a lesbian relationship to move at the speed of light?
Speaker 2:Oh, it's just a lesbian relationship thing. Like you could be getting like into a lesbian relationship in your 20s and you're moving in within like three weeks. Like have you heard of U-hauling? No, okay, I'm just giving you all the lesbian lore. So U-hauling is this very classic lesbian term that's been around for ages. And do you know what a U-haul is? It's like those um trucks that you can hire in the US and it's like a moving truck. It's kind of just like I don't know whatever the brand in Australia would be. I can't think of something now like what's that brand that I'm trying to think of?
Speaker 2:it's thrifty, yeah, yeah, it's literally like a truck. And so the joke is is that lesbians like U-Haul, because as soon as we like start to date one another, we're like all right, go and get the you haul. Like we're you hauling babe, and it basically just means that you're like moving in after like a week of knowing each other. And I think it's because women I don't, I'm not sure I mean this is just going to be like a massive generalization but I would say that it's because women just like get each other and you just are like cool, let's move in, like we're not trying to play hard to get, we're not trying to play games.
Speaker 2:But I hesitate in saying that because you know, I've dated a few women in my time and some women are very avoidant and women can be as fucking toxic and difficult to deal with as men. Like I think there is this huge stereotype that like dating women is easier, and I'm like babes. You have obviously not dated a woman if you think that, because women are beautiful and amazing and obviously I feel so blessed that I get to date women and I couldn't see my life in any other way. But you're still just dating someone, right? And so those people's worst characteristics will come to the front when you're getting to know someone in such an intimate setting or you're like spending so much time with them.
Speaker 2:And I would say also in general, like this is kind of hectic to say, but like women are kind of more traumatized than men, so that means that it can come with a lot of baggage when you're dating other women, so do I think that that also speeds up the relationship in a way, and in potentially not a very healthy way.
Speaker 2:Yes, because you're both coming to like okay, I've had this traumatic situation or I've had this like eating disorder. I've had this like situation happen to me and you both just like connect and then you also layer on being queer, which in general will have some element of trauma to it, that you connect and you like almost trauma dump and you just form a bond really quickly. But something that I've been really intentional with doing with dating this time around is like not trauma dumping on the first date, because you feel like you're so much closer to that person than you are and it's really easy to then overlook or just not get to know that person and you just kind of form and fall into a relationship with them really quickly, because you're getting to know each other's like deepest, darkest secrets, but then you don't know, like how they talk to wait staff or like how they clean their house or like all these other things that are actually really important for a relationship. So that's my summation of why I think lesbian relationships move so quickly.
Speaker 1:That's really interesting and I feel like if I was a lesbian, I would be in like serious relationships very quickly. I'm like the world's, like I'm a classic trauma dumper. Yeah, even just getting you on the podcast, we hadn't, like we've never actually chatted, spoke, followed each other. So that gives you that false illusion that you know people but also, like it kind of is like you do know people, but we got on here and I'm just like, how are you? I'm just like, how are you? And she's like how are you? And I'm like, oh, my life is really stressful at the moment. I'm like the classic for that.
Speaker 1:So imagine me in lesbian relationships. Like my mind was like, wow, I would get myself in some serious trouble. I'd be you hauling all over bloody town. Yes, I love the use of the term she's, not she's on the lingo I'm learning. Um, yeah, my sister actually had this conversation, because my sister went through a breakup or maybe like five years ago now. Also, interestingly enough, that's when we got as close as we ever been. She had left a marriage where she was with that person 20 years and our relationship got. Ah, it's so weird with this. Like this is something that needs to be studied, but anyways, her relationship ended we got mega, mega, mega close.
Speaker 1:But me and my sister we've we've been through similar but very similar but different childhood trauma and, as we know, with childhood trauma it affects people very differently, so two of the same people could go through the same experience and end up with a completely different reaction behavior pattern. We are those people like. We are such different people. We love each other so much. But I'm more the one that's had to work on like being less anxious and I'm a very like. She's very avoidant and I'm very not avoidant, which is interesting in itself for us, but she's just like we were talking about if we could be lesbian. I don't even know why we were having that conversation. Just one of those weird things when you've had wives with your sister and you're like, you don't need to agree yeah, I said the most.
Speaker 1:Don't blame you, I won't say on a podcast because I'm like it's too much, that stays in the group chat. Yeah, one thing I did say was I was joking, I'd be like you know, I don't know if, like I was more going from the sexual lens of like I don't know if I could like have sex and blah, blah. And she's like, oh no, I just couldn't do all of the talking. She's such a good point. She's like it's too much emotion for me. She's like I don't need to know how you feel. It's literally dead. And when you said lesbian relationships move at the speed of light, I'm totally gonna tell my sister to listen to this podcast because that was fucking hilarious, because I was like literally that was the conversation we had and you just kind of confirmed that she's on the money.
Speaker 2:She literally knew. She was like, no, I'm not talking that much, I'm like, yeah, be prepared for it.
Speaker 1:Literally fucking hilarious. That is so funny. I'm gonna be like actually I got it from the source. That does actually happen.
Speaker 2:Source over here, happy to divulge all of the lesbian secrets that is so funny.
Speaker 1:I actually do want to know were you or have you always been lesbian, like from teenage girl, all the different things and what was that? Like I know you just mentioned then that being queer in itself can cause trauma, and I'm assuming that's because it's a confusing time, or coming to that realization, and all the different things you experience in that. What was that like for you? And, yeah, can you fill us in?
Speaker 2:Give a little history lesson. So yeah, I remember very vividly when I was 16, I was at my boyfriend's house. So I haven't always been lesbian, to answer your question, I was at my boyfriend's house. Was I 16 or 17? I can't remember. But yeah, hang on, I'm like trying to say 10 different stories at once.
Speaker 2:I was at my boyfriend's house and I remember he went in to hug me and I hugged him back and I had this strong feeling of like oh, I think I'm a lesbian. And I was like and then, literally like you know how sometimes your brain is like working at a million miles per hour, I was like I can't tell my parents. What am I going to tell my boyfriend? Like, how is this going to work? And I was like immediately no, that's too intense, I've got too much to lose, I'm 16. That feels really weird and like I just pushed that down and didn't think about it for a really, really long time. And didn't think about it for a really, really long time Because at that time with my family, it was not a very supportive kind of time, I suppose, and I really lent on my boyfriend and his family, like my family wasn't very peaceful or consistent, I would say.
Speaker 2:And my boyfriend, I like latched onto him, like he was the person that I felt my most comfortable around, that I felt like I could always rely on, like I would spend, you know, heaps of time with him and I think he became my family at that point, because my actual family life was quite turbulent and inconsistent and so to think about like blowing up my life to pursue this potential, just like fleeting thought that I had, was way too overwhelming for me. So I just like stayed in that relationship. I think we dated until I was like probably 20. So I was with him for like four years, which is a really long time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I wasn't expecting you to say that that's a really long. That's a, that's a commitment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh yeah. No, we were fully together and he this is the thing like he always was, like we'll get married and I could never see it. I was just like I could never envision it in my mind and I didn't know why. At the time I just thought maybe that I like needed to have, you know, some more experiences, like I needed to go have a ho phase or I needed to date other people. Like I was just like I don't know if I'm ready for marriage, whatever.
Speaker 2:Anyway, we broke up and then I immediately get into another relationship with a man for like two years and then I kind of just am dating men at the time because, again, I really didn't get very close to my family until I want to say like mid to late twenties. So I like didn't really have a very good relationship with them and my boyfriends at the time. And I found it really easy to get boyfriends because I think I was just so unattached to it. I was just like I just want someone to be obsessed with me. Anyone that was obsessed with me I'd be like great, you are going to be a good fit for now. And, like you know, I had a. I had a lot of really lovely boyfriends who, to this day, I'm like you were so nice to me and I just would be like whatever.
Speaker 2:Anyway, then in my early twenties I had this boyfriend and I remember like we broke up because I was like, I think I'm, I think I'm bi Like, and he was like, oh, we can have an open relationship. And I was like, okay, and so then we had this like kind of semi-open relationship which basically just consisted of me kissing girls all the time. And he was just like, oh, I don't know if I can do this. And I was like, yeah, you know, I think I need to explore this on my own. And it actually took me until I was 26 to like fully come out and fully start dating women. Like I've been always kissing girls and like I didn't know what a crush on a girl felt like. But now that I reflect back on it, I'm like, oh, I was obsessed with you, like that wasn't just a friendship obsession, like I was actually obsessed with you.
Speaker 2:But it's really hard to tell, because when you are grown like, brought up in a hetero society, you really center men and so I always wanted to get the approval of men. I wanted men to think I was hot. I wanted the validation of men because I thought that's what made me good enough. It wasn't really like, oh, I want this man to like me because I find him attractive. It was I want this man to like me. Because I almost felt like it gave me social clout, like I was like, oh, that makes me normal, that makes me acceptable. It will make me look cool to other people because I'm getting attention from boys. And so it wasn't until 26 where I started to just fully date women.
Speaker 2:And when I was 26, that's when we went into like lockdown and I was talking about this with one of my other friends who's also just recently come out, and I was telling her how grateful I am for that lockdown period, because I didn't talk to anyone, like I literally was just like I'm going to date this girl, I'm going to, you know, chat to girls. I was like I'm going full in, I'm committing to the lesbian lifestyle now. And at the time I still thought maybe I would buy, because obviously I've had a lot of relationships with men and I've dated a lot of men. But I was like, cool, I'm just going to go all in on this. And then, as soon as I had my first relationship with a woman when I was 26, I was like, oh, I can never date a man again. Like I could see myself getting married, I could see what my future looked like. I felt like, oh, this is the right pathway. And so then from that it took me a while to be able to like claim the lesbian label, I suppose. But now I fucking love it like I love as you know, I talk about it all the time.
Speaker 2:I'm really comfortable with calling myself that my parents you know everything like. And the trauma with that was like my parents are so chill now about I mean, they would never not chill about my sexuality. Like I was brought up extremely non-denominational, like we did not go to church. My dad is a real science man at heart. But it's so fucking awkward to randomly have to tell your parents, hey, I'm dating a different gender now, like it's just weird it's. I just felt like the whole situation was really weird and because I'd brought home so many boyfriends to like my extended family you know, my aunties, my cousins, my grandma I was like, oh my God, I'm going to have to tell them now and I did, and it's such a weird experience and they were all super chill about it. But I just found it incredibly uncomfortable to have to tell everyone and I would like bump into people on the street and they'd be like so how's your boyfriend? I'd be like this is my girlfriend. Like I'd literally be with my girlfriend, but obviously people just assume that she was a friend, which happened to us all the freaking time. So yeah, that's kind of my experience and I think what for me really defines my like lesbian label is I just don't think about men literally at all.
Speaker 2:Like when I'm on my explore page it's all just women. That makes me sound like a seedy man, but, like you know, I don't have any men come up on my algorithm. I don't think about men I don't like. When I'm watching TV I always think about like, oh, that woman's pretty. You know I'm never like oh, that man's so hot.
Speaker 2:And it's really interesting because it's so easy when you're brought up in a heteronormative society to just be like oh, I think that woman's pretty. Because, like you know, you probably think women are pretty too. You don't think like, oh, that makes me a lesbian, because and I can still appreciate men, like I can still fucking know a man's heart, of course, but like the way that I feel about it, I'm like, oh, I can actually see myself like being with you, but I just don't have that with men. But I think it was so easy for me to do that because like men would just hit on me and I'd be like cool, I want their validation. And then we just like accidentally tumble into a relationship this is literally the best thing.
Speaker 1:I am so fascinated by this. This has been so intriguing and interesting for me. I had no idea. I honestly, genuinely had no idea. It wasn't until you were 26. You were like oh, I'm a lesbian. Like that's literally not that long ago, really, really.
Speaker 1:And like me asking you like, what's different about your twenties to your thirties? And you're like my sexuality, everything. It's actually so fascinating. I'm intrigued by something. So obviously you're in a relationship with men. This is going to go in a very rogue destination. It's just like I'm just taking it there. Obviously you had sex with men. Obviously you're having sex with women. Taking it there. Obviously you had sex with men. Obviously you're having sex with women, going from having sex with men to having sex with women do you like what do you miss that like, obviously it's a very different.
Speaker 1:Well, how do I know me? Obviously it's very different. How the fuck would I know that? I'm assuming it's different? Do you miss that side of men, like having sex with them, or is it just like you were like, no, don't miss it?
Speaker 2:I get asked this question all the time by, like my friend my family no, no, no, I think people are so like curious about this stuff because it's so different from your life, you know. So I completely understand. No, I don't miss having sex with men at all. Like I'm trying to think if I've had like a thought about it. I just I think when I was having sex with men it felt quite performative, and I think straight women struggle with that still, because you feel like you have to show up in a certain way.
Speaker 2:But like having sex with women, for me it's just like there is no, you can't fucking fake it to another woman Like are you kidding? That would be so embarrassing. I just would feel like it would be so obvious if you were faking anything. And I just feel so like I used to have finished having sex with men Well, but like I would like we would, you know, be done with the whole situation and I would just be like cool, ticked that off the box. Whereas when I have sex with women, I'm like wow, that was like euphoric, you know. I'm like oh, that was like just another level in itself, which I am assuming that's how straight women feel with men.
Speaker 2:So, I don't really miss it. I guess the thing that I do miss is like there's quite a an easy script with having sex with men, cause it's just like, okay, you have sex now, you know, but most women I mean, the orgasm gap is huge. Right, most women aren't actually like orgasming in that way, necessarily. And with women it's like there's so many different options. You know, it's not just like, okay, we have p and v sex. It's like we can do this thing, we can do this thing and that can be good. But sometimes I'm like, oh, I wish there was like a bit more of like an easier script. I don't know if that makes it sound like.
Speaker 1:I'm putting down women, but like, yeah, it makes sense as well, because women can also orgasm multiple times. So it's like sometimes you do have an orgasm and you're still in the mood, whereas like when you're having sex with a man and you orgasm or he orgasms, it's like, oh yeah, like both, whatever it's like. It's like oh yeah, like both, whatever it's like. It's over whether you feel like you're in the mood or not. You kind of like have your cuddle and and you're done with it. But whereas like if women, if you have an orgasm, but you're still like it's kind of like you're on the high of it after that.
Speaker 1:So then I want to keep going and then like where, where does it end? Which is hilarious, because this was another thing me and my sister spoke about. She's like I don't want to be doing. I love that I'm throwing my sister under the bus, I love you so much. But like it's funny that these are the actual conversations where you're just like that I don't want to say this is going to be the worst word to use for sex ever, but like structure, yeah.
Speaker 1:No like literally, yeah, structure, wow. I find that so interesting. But I think, yes, you know you are a lesbian If you're like thank god, it's done, versus a euphoric, like euphoric feeling, that's so funny, but I just I just think it is fascinating, it's interesting and I genuinely had no idea it was like your mid-20s, that you were having these realizations which I think for this conversation makes it even more interesting, because your 20s and your 30s, then your 30s are gonna look so different.
Speaker 1:Like you're 31, you were, like you've likeed into the thirties. I'm genuinely excited for you for, like the rest of your thirties and going into your thirties, like you're going into a decade where you are fully like owning who you are and what you want and you have so much freedom and you have so much choice and decision.
Speaker 1:Like I know that you've just been through something so rough and so hard and breakups are like devastating and they kind of shift your whole identity of who am I and what do I want in my life. But going into a whole decade like this is going to be your first decade where you literally spent the whole thing knowing your sexuality and having freedom Like I feel like happy feeling for you.
Speaker 1:I did want to know, like now that you are. I know that you're at the very like cusp of the 30s, of the 30s, but what is one thing that you still feel like you're figuring out, whether about yourself or your business, or your life, or whatever it is that you thought in your 20s oh, I'd have this figured out by now wow, where do I begin?
Speaker 2:what a big question. There's so many different things, like I think, for me. I'm really um, I've really accepted about myself that I'm quite a mover and shaker, in the sense that, like I will change my mind on the way that I want to run my business or the way that I want to live my life very quickly, like I'm a manifesting generator in human design. Are you that as well? I feel like you would be similar.
Speaker 1:I think I am. Is that one that kind of like they need to feel really obsessed with what they're doing to actually want to do it? And they kind of like what? I have a human design report somewhere. I really forget it all of the time, but that sounds like me.
Speaker 2:Maybe you're a generator. You kind of do give me generators as well. Then, based off what you've just told me, anyway, I'm a manifesting generator. You might be that too. We can confirm after this episode.
Speaker 2:But like I so relate to that, you know label, I guess as well, because it's all about being able to do like multiple things at once and changing, and just like following your joy, and obviously we can't just purely follow our joy all the time, like we've got to fucking do some things that don't make us fully excited, like our tax or paying our super or you know whatever it might be. But I think for me, like I especially in the last year with my business, like coming out of that relationship and suddenly having a lot more time and space to myself, like I went with living with someone, having a dog, like being around people all the time, to then like kind of moving into my sister's place and they both work full time, they don't work from home Like all of a sudden I had all of this time and space to think about the way that I really wanted to run my business and I shut down so many of my offers that were just not feeling right for me and I really do see my business. Like you you may have noticed, you probably followed me for really I don't know how long you followed me for but like the way that I ran my business this time, compared last year, compared to now, is so fucking different. Like there were just so many things that I was doing because they worked and that's what I'd been taught and whatever. Whereas, like having left that relationship, I'm like I'm not settling for anything less than like my standard that feels really authentic and aligned for me.
Speaker 2:And when I left that relationship it was like a chain of chain reaction Is that the word? That kind of bled into all areas of my life. I was like I don't want to create content for the sake of creating content. I want to make sure what I'm saying feels really me. I don't want to just be sharing my fucking strike screenshots all the time with my business. Like I don't want to just do these like really photo, like highly edited photo shoots all the time, like I just want to be more chill and more normal.
Speaker 2:And you know, last year I had a couple of experiences with clients that were, shall we say, a little bit disrespectful and I was like, okay, I'm having this experience with clients and I'm a common denominator, and I think that can be a really hard thing for business owners to admit, because it's much easier to just go. They're bad clients and they're taking advantage of me, which, like, is true to an extent, but also, like, what am I doing to allow this? And I really I actually had a conversation with Taylor Bubeck that's how I say. I've never actually said her name out loud, but I had a really good conversation with her about exactly this and it really helped me to understand how I was marketing and what I could do that would be different and how I could attract clients that were, like, really appreciative and respectful of the work that I've done.
Speaker 2:And since the start of this year, I have just had the most amazing clients. Like everyone's been people that I'm like really obsessed with that. I'm like I would be friends with you, you know, whereas the last year I was just attracting people that basically just wanted to make a lot of money and as a business coach, of course I want that for you and also I want to. I want people that are like passionate and I think last year, in the kind of um, turbulent times of my relationship.
Speaker 2:I kind of was just like a bit lazy with my marketing and not really looking at it in depth, and that I paid the price of that of having some clients coming to me that weren't fully aligned, and so I definitely see over the next couple of months like continuing to go even deeper, into being more authentic and being my own version of what it looks like to run a business online and and kind of that kind of stuff. Um, I feel like that's something I'm still figuring out at the moment exactly what that looks like, but luckily I'm in a really good place where I've got some really amazing clients that have been seeing me for years, and so for that, I feel really fucking blessed to have this flexibility to kind of just be like cool, I've got these clients and now I can just kind of figure out what the next iteration of my business looks like. I love that.
Speaker 1:I have one last question for you, please. What would you say as yourself now to? Either you can pick 20 year old version of you, and maybe it's something that someone else needs to hear, or you can go the other way and think of you in your late 30s. And what you would say to yourself.
Speaker 2:This is such an interesting question because I often think if I could go back to my 20-year-old self, could I tell her something to change her actions?
Speaker 2:And I just don't think I could, because when I think about trying to go like, for example, if I would say to my 20-year-old self, babe, you're gay, stop dating men, I wouldn't, wouldn't have listened, you know, I would have been too scared. And I feel like I had to go through life in that order to learn certain things. And if I could say something to my late 30s self, I don't know. I'm so sorry to be like I don't, I don't have anything to say, but I'm just such a big believer in everything that happens shapes you into the person that you are today. And even though there have been some really challenging situations that I've been through in my relationship, in my business, in my mental health, I always think back to like, could I have said something? And I'm like I could, but I wouldn't have had the right life experience to be able to receive that advice fully. So, honestly, just enjoy the ride.
Speaker 1:I fucking love that. Just enjoy the ride. And it's like also, it's just, I think that what that does too and I genuinely I love that, I love that response. I think genuinely it also gives you permission that the next whatever fucking nine, 10 years, whatever it is also is going to be a ride. Like you literally have no idea what's going to happen or who's going to come into your life or who's going to leave your life. Like we have no idea.
Speaker 1:And I think it's giving ourselves grace that, regardless of whether you're in your 20s or your 30s, you're probably going to make mistakes. You're probably going to make, probably going to make great decisions and I think, like for me, one of the things that I expected of myself in my 30s that I I maybe didn't expect in my 20s which is funny because I was like literally a full-blown fucking parent in my 20s but I feel like when you have like a 20, like a 20 in front of a number like you're, like I'm 25, like I it just almost gives you permission, like you're okay to fuck up and like it's okay that your life isn't all together. Like I quit the police at 27, which was meant to be my lifelong career. I moved back home with my kids at that age and I honestly think, because I still had like a 20 in my thing, I was like this is fine, like I have so much time I have, so like I'm meant to fuck up in my 20s and all yeah. And then I thought I put this almost pressure on myself, unconsciously, that but then my 30s it'd be figured out, then my 30s I wouldn't be making these mistakes and I would be clear and I would know. And now that I'm 32, I'm like I'm still a child, like I'm a baby.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm probably like gonna get to my 40s and still feel the same as exactly what I just said about my 20s. And it's actually for me it's like okay, give yourself the grace that just because you have a three in front of the number that's your age doesn't mean that you're all of a sudden this person who never makes mistakes and always gets it right and always makes the right decision. I think you're very similar to me in the sense of, like you know, we do have aspirations and goals and dreams and we want to live our life really, really fully and make sure that we're doing everything that we can to get the most out of the life that we're living and that it doesn't matter what fucking age you are. That is going to come with like fuck ups, mistakes, failures, wrong decisions, great decisions, all the different things. Doesn't matter if you're 30. We're probably going to be doing this in our 40s and still like being like what the fuck? What did I just do? Like, and it's just like you're living. So I love that answer so much. I think it was actually like chef's kiss perfect.
Speaker 1:I cannot thank you enough for coming on here. I genuinely had no fucking clue what we're going to talk about today. I didn't expect to be asking you about. Do you miss having?
Speaker 1:sex with your friend, but like here we are, it happened, We've done it.
Speaker 2:I love it.
Speaker 1:It was great and it's just been so great to. I guess I've followed you in the sense of, like I have followed you and you do share personal things. You share a lot about your, your business, because it is a business page, and it's been so cool and refreshing to sit down with you and actually hear about your life and your decisions and all of these are goss I'm like, fuck, yes, will it?
Speaker 1:I'm like, tell me everything literally been genuinely such a, such a cool experience so I could. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to have this rogue ass conversation with me, and I genuinely think so many pieces of this are going to land for people, whether they're in the exact same experience or not, because so much of it landed for me and I'm literally like straight gal in a relationship of six years and I'm like, yeah, it's so good, so it's been really great. Thank you so much you're so welcome.
Speaker 2:It's been so fun.