Are You Doing These Proven Methods In Your Conversations? - 003

Think of your last really good conversation… Seriously. Really think back to your last really memorable conversation…

1. Who are your top three best conversationalist? Two? One?
2. Why do they stand out?
3. What do they do that put them into this category?

The ARE Method (ARE is an acronym - Anchor / Reveal / Encourage)

ANCHOR – You want to start off by anchoring your conversation on a specific topic that you will both have shared interest in. It’s best to bring up a topic that you are mutually experiencing at the moment.

REVEAL – After you use an anchor to start a conversation, you must continue to reveal something about yourself. You can’t just leave the conversation at the anchor; otherwise it will go quiet and awkward again. When you reveal something about yourself, it makes the conversation more personal and interesting.

ENCOURAGE – Once you’ve done your job of starting the conversation and revealing something about yourself, you need to be able to encourage them to talk next. The ARE method is a great way to get small talk started, as it covers all of the important bases.


Me Too Moments

I love trying to find the “Me Too” Moment (M2M) on a conversation. How does it work? When a similarity is mentioned, say “Me too” but then this is the absolute key: get right back to “them” - don’t take this moment and take the conversation hostage. 

Think of a news broadcast where someone is onsite bringing the news. At the end of their report they always end with the same four words, “Now, back to you.” 

Those are four perfect words to use after “Me too” so after you let someone know “Me too now back to you” is a simple one-liner which lets the communicator know you’re absolutely listening and you have similarities. 

They may choose to have you jump right in right then. They may circle back. Or they may simply forget. Your job is to respect the moment no matter what they choose to do. 

It shows high emotional intelligence to be able to resonate and leave the next response into the other person’s hands.

Too many people get excited for the “Me too” moment and unintentionally steal the spotlight and hijack the moment. They mean well but just simply unaware of what is happening in that moment.

Resources to Use:

The System Elite Connectors Use to Remember Names

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30 Connection Questions for Stronger Business Conversations

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Episode 003 of the Elite Business Connector Podcast. Welcome to the Elite Business Connector Podcast, where we believe how you interact with people will make or break your opportunity to develop a real and influential connection. Now, whether you're a rookie or a rock star with people, you're in the right place right now. Let's do this. Here's a question for you right out of the gate. How does someone become an elite business connector? I'm actually asked that often, and since I'm a cookies on the bottom shelf kind of guy, I want to take the complex and make it simple for both of our sakes. There are three very distinct focus areas for becoming and remaining an elite business connector. Focus area one, communication. Focus area two, conversation. And focus area number three, connection. This episode is a high overview of the second focus area, conversation. And we're going to talk about the following in this episode. First, conversational development. Second, how not to be that guy. Third, conversation flow. Fourth, the R method. And fifth, me too moments. I love finding good quotes and a little bit OCD in this area. And I found this one by Lady Dorothy Neville. And she was a British author from way back in 1826 to 1913, which means she's just a little bit older than me. And she had this incredibly wise quote that still runs true today, hundreds of years later. Here's her quote. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Huge, huge knowledge right there. Let's say it again. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. There's another quote by Oscar Wilde who said this I like to do all the talking myself because it saves time and prevents arguments. And although we may laugh at that, there are so many people who subscribe to this way of thinking, especially those in sales. And here's another way of saying it one good conversation can shift the direction of change forever. Lend a Lam. Sadly, there are very few and far between. So I cheer us when I have that opportunity to be in the presence of one such great conversation. And I find myself thinking back and reflecting on it for hours, for days, and possibly even weeks to come. And as you can tell, I am a quote nerd, and I'll defend it to the death. Actually, how about Friday? This noon work for you? CST Chicago Standard Time. Anyway, let's unpack the subject of conversational development. Most people in business are aware of the words development and conversation, yet have never really thought about putting those two words together. And I want to challenge you to be in the minority of this concept of conversational development. You want to move the conversational banter in small talk to a real conversation. And this, my friends, is called conversational development. And this is a new concept for you. The simplicity is in the name with the keyword development. Most conversations simply lack development. It goes something like this: you talk, I wait for you to stop talking, then I talk, then you wait for me to stop talking, and then you talk, and then I talk, and then you talk. Or put it another way, you comment, I comment, you comment, I comment, I comment, I comment, you comment, you comment. I try to, you see what I'm trying to say here? We get frustrated if somebody else is talking way too long. And at that point, we just flat out interrupt and just do what we want to do and talk over them in this talk over battle. Verbal tennis is what's happening, my friends. We literally comment ourselves to a slow death, and it becomes about you, then me, then you, then me. It's a vicious cycle that remains shallow. Just stay away from the verbal machete guy or girl. He's a vicious and she's a vicious killer. Seriously, stay far, far away. And too many in sales have conversations to sell and not conversations to connect. If you leave with the former, you often lose both sides of the sale and the connection. And to quote the great philosopher Jim Carrey, the guy you don't want to be. John was a lifer in sales, and his new boss wanted to come along with him for this very highly profile company. You can tell how many were there in the conference room. This was a big deal, and they had C-suite, VPs, everybody there. And John was stoked. He can now show off his mad sales skills in front of a live studio audience with the extra bonus of C-Suite in attendance. John immediately takes control from the first second with his voice beyond dominant. Five minutes, no breath by John. Ten minutes, 15 minutes. Where's the commercial break here, John? Nope. No banter, just a monologue. He was mesmerized and impressed with his own voice. Oh, John, just sit I shut up. This is gonna get ugly really quick, man. At the 20-minute mark, oh, it did. One person in the room stands up and simply yet firmly utters four words with an edge, emphasizing each of these four words. Who said it? And what did he say? It was a CEO, and he said, Are you done yet? Huh? Seriously. Yeah, absolutely. If John had a wish for a superpower, it would have been a disappearing act, not sinking in quicksand. The CEO continues. You started talking from the moment you went through our front door. You didn't get anybody's names, it didn't take any time to get to know us, and worse yet, you could not be further from our actual problem that we need addressed and solved. You may leave now. You want to talk about the air out of a room while at the same time putting some cocky salesperson in his gr in his place. Here's the kicker. John was a new, he was a veteran. John walked out with his new boss and both didn't say a word. One thing was different though about John leaving, besides the obvious of not talking, was John realized that he had a tail going between his legs. And it was a very, very long tail after this verbal yet avoidable spanking. Brutal, and again, avoidable, John. Conversational flow. Conversational flow begins with nonverbal interaction. When eyes meet or a smile is visible or a hand is extended or a high five is offered, it's seen as an invitation to communicate with possibly without even words. Did you catch that, John? At this point, energy is focused on an interaction with the other person. Ivory Mendez in the book Improve Your Social Skills says the conversational flow has begun. The initial interaction is part of building the connection. Once that connection is established, the conversation continues in a way that holds interest for both people. Now, this is where the back and forth dialogue occurs, with each person contributing to the shared meaning that they're trying to create. A conversation in its simplest form should be, well, it should be exciting, hopefully engaging and informative. John missed all this due to getting all caught up with his well, his ego. And he paid the ultimate price by losing any potential for a sale and having the most embarrassing and humiliating moment of his life shared with, of course, his new boss. He didn't take the time to have some small talk, then move it into smart talk to learn about this company, those who are in the room, their interests, and their needs. Don Voyer once said, I love when conversation and energies just flow, not forced, not coerced, just present.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

Some people are just naturally funny. They get laughs without even trying. You know, that guy. Then there's the rest of us. But what if there were ways to learn how to add humor into your conversations and not just any conversations, but your business conversations? It's possible, and you can learn how with one simple action step. Download a copy of Brian Paul Buckley's bonus chapter, not found in his book, Elite Business Connector. So where do you find this bootleg never seen before chapter? Well, you can try and remember the URL, but honestly, it is just way too long. So go to the show notes to get your copy today.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

So let's break down a different way with John. And John walked in or walked into the room right there. He very easily could have just done some small talk, finding out a little bit each about each person, made sure that he knew the name and where they were sitting, use that as a way to just engage, get the temperature in the room just down and a lot more comfortable. But he didn't. He tried to show off. And guess what it did? It was a big, big price. Then he could kind of transition through if he wasn't bragging. He could just ask some simple questions, moved it from personal into professional, and then professional into the problem. And we'll we'll break that down a lot more in episodes to come. But let's go back to what we're talking about here starting a conversation. The most intimidating point of a conversation, well, it is the start. We never know what directions it's going to go, and the stakes feel well higher with strangers, somebody we don't even know a bit. And I address this in my book, Elite Business Connector, through a worksheet called the Conversational Resume. It's designed to prepare you for the number of ways a conversation could go. Lucas Bailey, in his book In How to Talk to Anyone, said this: In this world of fast clicks and short-form content, people's tolerance for discussion takes a nosedive if it's not engaging. So true. Your mileage may vary as each person on the other side can have a different level of social anxiety, stress, or any other factors that might stifle their ability to engage. The start of the conversation is make or break time. And I'm sure you've experienced right in that. And hopefully the anxiety we can pull that back and give you some tools, such as the conversational resume, to allow you to feel a lot more comfortable when those conversations happen. And I'll teach you a technique that we call wearing, sharing, and caring to be able to maximize those first few critical moments to make conversation and a good first impression. Now think about the last really good conversation that you had. I mean, seriously, really think back to your last really memorable conversation. Who are the top three best conversationalists? Or maybe you can think of two? How about one? Why do they stand out? What did they do that put them into this category? Well, for me, the first person that comes to mind is Dr. Nick Howard. His business social skills have been a model for me. Nick exemplifies conversation. He does two actions that are so simple, but mostly simple, or so simple that most people don't even do them. He asks questions, he listens to the response. And the second person is Treva Thompson. She's the best at pulling more out of me than I originally ever planned to share and finds the emotion behind the words, which is an incredible skill. They're both great at asking questions, listening to responses, but also they don't take the conversation hostage. Brilliant! I know, right? But how often do you leverage these critical actions? Seriously. Think about who are your best conversationalists and why are they different? Do they ask questions? Do you feel heard due to their listening skills? Sadly, most people have to really think to come up with one or more persons that actually exemplify a great conversationalist. Judy Apps says in her book, The Art of Conversation, that conversation is all about taking turns. It's a dialogue, not a monologue. You share the taking time. You also listen and acknowledge. Keyword, dialogue. Too many conversations have too many monologues going simultaneously. They lack asking questions and listening. William Richardson, in his book, Successful Conversations, says the first aspect that you are able to control during a conversation is how engaged you are. When you pay attention to what another person is saying during a conversation, you have so much more of a chance of actually having a productive and successful talk. There's a book by the author of Every Conversation Council. It was such a good read in my research for my own book, Elite Business Connector. And he said, not every conversation we have is going to be life-changing, but every conversation has the potential to change a life. Relationships are built in conversations. And what matters more in the end than relationships. There are many methods out there to improve our conversation skills. And I found this simple R method, which is easy and effective to remember. The R method is an acronym. Anchor, reveal, encourage. Let's break those down. Anchor. You want to start off by anchoring your conversation on a specific topic that you will both have a shared interest in. It's best to bring up a topic that you are mutually experiencing at the moment. Second, after anchor, it's reveal. After you use an anchor to start a conversation, you must continue to reveal something about yourself. You can't just leave the conversation at the anchor, otherwise it'll go quiet and awkward again. When you reveal something about yourself, it makes the conversation more personal and interesting. After anchor, there's reveal, and the last one of the E is encourage. Once you've done your job starting the conversation and revealing something about yourself, you need to be able to encourage the other person to start talking. The R method is a great way to get small talk started as it covers all the important bases. You bring up a topic in the anchor of the conversation, which signifies you breaking the silence. You then talk about yourself by revealing something related to the topic. And from there, you're able to encourage the other person to talk. Now, this results in balance of small talk with both parties getting involved in the conversation. I'd love this just the simplicity of the R method. Anchor, reveal, and encourage. I also love finding ways that can improve my communication and conversation skills. And here's one that I found Me Too moments. I love trying to find the quote, me too, end quote, moment, M to M on a conversation. How does this work? Well, when a similarity is mentioned, say me too. But then this is the absolute key. Get right back to them. Don't take this moment and take the conversation hostage. That's where so many people go wrong. Think of a news broadcast where someone is on site bringing the news. At the end of their report, they always end with the same four words. Now, back to you. These are four perfect words to use after me too. So after you let someone know, me too. Now back to you. It's a simple one-liner which lets the communicator know you're absolutely listening and you now have similarities. They may choose to have you jump right in at that moment, then, or they may have you circle back, or they may simply forget because they just keep going. Your job is to respect the moment no matter what they choose to do. It shows high emotional intelligence to be able to resonate and leave the next response into the other person's hands. Too many people get excited for the me too moment and unintentionally steal the spotlight, and they they hijack that moment. I think they mean well, but just simply unaware of what is happening in the moment. I was on a just on a business trip and was in the middle of a story. People were engaged and laughing, and dude rips in with his story. Not me too back to you. It was all about me too. But he hijacked at gunpoint, putting everyone in conversational handcuffs. What went wrong? Well, I think he meant to have a me too moment, but he made it all about him. And everybody in that circle, a handful of people noticed what he did, and it was incredibly, incredibly awkward. So what is happening in that moment? You put the other person saying internally, wasn't I just in the middle of a sentence that I'm thinking, and you just cut me off and making this about you and not me, and you didn't even realize it. This is why the me to now back to you comment is so effective because it's respectful of what the other person is saying. It's also quickly letting them know, guess what? I'm listening, man, and I have something that I'd like to say too. So me too, back to you, hoping you bring it back to me. You absolutely can improve in this area, and we want to help you develop and master your business social skills so you can become and remain an elite business connector in these ways we just discussed. Closing comments and Snyder marks. Do you know why most are not good at conversations? They haven't thought through for a nanosecond about what they do or do not do during a conversation. So the fact you're listening to this podcast says a ton about you wanting to grow in your business social skills. So mad kudos to you and a big shout out. You absolutely can improve in this area, and we want to continue to help you. Well, this episode 003 is officially in the books, in and out, and hopefully nobody got hurt. It means a lot to me since we're just starting out with this podcast. If you're willing to subscribe and share the podcast, and if you're the extra mile girl or guy, please rate the show with being a brand new podcast. This really, really helps out. Tell a friend or a coworker too. And remember, even numbered episodes are interviews with subject matter experts. Then we're back to content with me on the on the odd numbered episodes. Lastly, don't forget that all of our episodes show links are available in the show notes. Today is a good episode for links with a number of really good quotes and books that you can find referenced in this episode in the show notes. As we close, I'd actually love to hear from you and available for your questions, ideas, your comments, suggestions, or even a Snyder Mark. I mean your ideas. Find me at Brian B R Y A N at Brianpaulbuckley.com. And as my father used to say, thanks for coming, but most of all, thanks for leaving. I'm out. You got this now. Now it's your turn to do something with this episode. And don't we just remember your communication starts a conversation that can lead to a connection of indoors? You got this.