Why You Don't Ask Questions in the 1st 5 Minutes - 017

Most professionals ask just one question in the first five minutes—usually a mirror “What about you?” In this episode, Bryan unpacks why we resist asking better questions and how those obstacles can become your unfair advantage in business conversations.

Five Obstacles

1. Attention-Seeking Culture – We default to self-focus and conversational narcissism.
2. Assumptions – We wrongly assume people don’t want to be asked.
3. Poor Modeling – Question-asking isn’t demonstrated in “question deserts.”
4. Advice Monster – We’d rather give answers than stay curious.
5. Effort Required – Curiosity takes energy and deliberate practice.

Five Opportunities

1. Radical Other-Focus – Stand out by being genuinely interested.
2. People Want to Be Known – Questions help others feel seen fast.
3. Model the Standard – Great questions shape culture and elevate thinking.
4. Ask / Listen / Learn – Use questions to guide and deepen dialogue.
5. Train the Skill – Question-asking is learnable and compounds with practice.

Book referenced in this episode: The Six Conversations

Resources to Use:

The System Elite Connectors Use to Remember Names

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30 Connection Questions for Stronger Business Conversations

This is a proven question set to improve every conversation in the 1st 5 minutes.

👉 Grab it here: 

Buy the 1st 5 Minutes Book:

• 1st 5 Minutes Book

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Transcript

The One-Question Problem

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Let me ask you a question. How many questions do you think you ask someone in a conversation? Seriously. How many do you think? Take a while, guess. And then how many of those questions total do you think you ask in the first five minutes? Now, my experience, the average number is Are you ready for this? One. One question. And here's the irony about this one question. It's usually a mirror question, which is used to ask the same question I asked you. How are you? Fine. How are you? How was your weekend? Fine. How about you? Originality sold separately. The fact is, the lack of questions has to change. If you want to become an elite business connector and truly effective in the first five minutes, which leads to the question, then why don't we ask more questions? That's a good question. And one we'll unpack in this episode called Why You Don't Ask Questions in the First Five Minutes. Welcome to the Elite Business Connector Podcast, where we believe how you interact with people will make or break your opportunity to develop a real and influential connection. Now, whether you're a rookie or a rock star with people, you're in the right place right now. Let's do this. I'm your host, Brian Buckley, husband of one, father of five, and on a mission to help you develop, deepen, and master your business communication skills. And my promise to you every week is if you listen and subscribe, I'm going to bring my best content and energy to help you get better every single week, both communicating and connecting in a business environment. Here's today's episode's big idea. There are obstacles to overcome to asking questions in a business conversation, but once you identify them, they can become your greatest opportunity. So let's question everything. Are you in? Let's go. Let's get to the basics. What is a question? Well, in its simplest form, it's communication that desires a response. And what's a question? It's purpose, clarity, and engagement. Those are the two, quoted by Heather Holman in this book right here, the author of The Six Conversations, which is such a good read. She's a professor at Penn State University, and I'll put that link in the show notes. Great book. And my father used to say this quote all the time He said, He who asks the questions controls the conversation. Now, he didn't mean it in a controlling, manipulative way, but controlling the direction of the conversation with your questions. And elite business connectors are master question askers. But yes, so few people in business rarely even ask a question in a conversation. And as we learned, the question is there to get a response for clarity and engagement. Both good things, meaning things. Yet we're lucky if we average one question in the first five minutes. Why? Is this the norm? Well, there are five obstacles that keep us from asking questions. And as I unveiled these obstacles, I want you to honestly evaluate yourself and your answer. Maybe you'll say, yeah, that's totally me. Or you can say, maybe I see myself doing this. Or I could be that guy or girl. Be teachable. Let this content reveal yourself, not to yourself. Listen to see yourself in each potential objective. Don't object back, accept it, learn from it. So back to the question: why do so few people rarely ask questions? Well, here's the first obstacle. We live in an attention-seeking age. We live in this culture now that is defined by, well, this endless pursuit of attention and self-absorption. And as a result, we don't often think about asking questions. It doesn't even cross our mind. And when we're thinking about ourselves, we hardly have any space or energy to think about others. Imagine that. Boston College's sociologist Charles Derber calls this, you ready for this? Conversational narcissism. How will people pay attention to what I'm doing if I don't point the conversation towards me and back to me? How will I get people to notice me if I ask questions of them? Or maybe to put it another way, how can I make a good first impression by asking them a question that puts the focus back on them? Well, you can't. Especially if this is your mindset. So look at you, now look at me. You won't ask a question if that means taking the focus off of ourselves. Now, none of us want to be known as a conversational narcissist, but more of us are than we even know or care to admit. We just not really thought about it. And I experienced this all the time as a business conversation expert. Nice people. But to be honest, they're still conversational narcissists, and they don't even realize it. Sorry, Matt, that's hard to hear, but it may be truer than you even realize. Is that your obstacle? Here's a second obstacle. We assume that people don't want to be asked questions. The keyword here is assume. We don't actually know. Maybe that's our lens of being asked questions. But is it really? Do you not like when someone puts their focus on you and is curious about your life? I know I do. And the truth is, people want to be known. Even the U.S. Surgeon General has declared loneliness as a public health crisis. And further research shows that meaningful conversations significantly increase well-being compared to just average small talk alone. People crave to be known. Most people want to be asked about their lives to share what matters most to them. This obstacle, and it's just not true. Think about it. If people ask a question about you, do you ever hesitate to answer the question? Never. We answer instantly, and sometimes we end up even talking too long. And that's the proof. I've noticed this obstacle could not be further from reality, especially in the first five minutes. And oftentimes we're trying to make a strong first impression. But then how better than to ask a question to let the other person make a strong first impression? How could that not work to your advantage and engage the other person? Here's a third obstacle. It just isn't modeled well. Unfortunately, many of us spend a significant amount of time, well, in places and situations where thoughtful question asking is discouraged or maybe even punished. Maybe we grew up in a non-question encouraging environment. We're often conditioned to stick with what we learned, either give smart answers or just keep your mouth shut. Sometimes it's in our family systems or our schools that it was modeled. Other times it's in our work or social settings. And these places are called, I love this phrase, question deserts. Did you catch that? They're question deserts. It goes where questions go to die, not good. And if we aren't in environments where questions can be asked freely and openly, well, how and where will we learn how to do it? Let me stress this point. We rarely see being a question asker, let alone a good question asker, even being modeled. Now, I'll give you this one excuse or obstacle. That excuse is up after this specific episode because I'm going to model asking good questions, especially in the first five minutes. Here's the fourth obstacle. We sometimes just don't even care what other people think. I know, wow, that's a little bit harsh. But let's be honest, sometimes we just don't care to know the answers people might offer if and when we ask a question. It could be because of, well, exhaustion, apathy, usually arrogance, or just a flat-out lack of curiosity. They talk about themselves and we naturally and reactively bring the attention where? Back to ourselves. Now we do that whether we're one-upping somebody with their last comment or a story or sometimes we just kind of zone out. This is the obstacle for business professionals who've been around a long time. They just simply don't care anymore to ask a question because they don't care about the other person's answer. And guess what? That's a conversational narcissist in his full colors. I spot this guy in seconds now. And you know what I like to do? I'll ask him questions. My guilty pleasure, especially knowing I'm beating him at his own game. Obstacle five. It can be hard work to ask questions and requires some deliberate practice. Questions take effort. Even if we've been given permission to ask questions and it's been modeled well to us, which is rare but happens, doesn't mean it's easy. Few of us have developed a specific plan with actionable practices to increase the quality of our question asking. Well, sometimes we fail to ask questions, not because we don't care about, because we, I don't know, have just some of the energy. Many of us go throughout the day feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically depleted. Neuroscience even shows that curiosity activates the hippocampus, improving our learning and retention. But curiosity requires cognitive effort, especially when we're depleted. So the question is actually: is asking questions worth the energy and effort? Well, we'll find out in the second half of this episode in the five opportunities hidden in these resistances and objections to asking questions. Most people don't struggle with talking. They struggle with asking better questions. And if any questions are asked, they seem to run on quickly. But we can solve that problem with a resource called 30 Connection Questions for Stronger Business Conversation. It's a proven question set to improve every conversation in the free. And in this free capital, I'm gonna provide three categories of questions, which are curious questions and continual questions. Provides 10 questions for each category. Along with some pro tips. Of course, all these are at notice in the track. But sometimes we just need proper questions that we can either choose to use, or they give us ideas and kickstart the question asking process. Great connectors don't dominate questions and conversations, they direct them with better questions. That's how conversations turn into connections. Grab this free resource today in the show notes. We just worked through five potential objectives and obstacles that keep us from asking questions. So did any of them get a little personal? Well, between us girls, I hope so. I want to challenge you to improve your communication and connection skills to excel in the first five minutes of every business conversation. And how do we do that? We have to evaluate what we're doing, break ourselves from the norm. Kevin Kelly has a great quote. He's a technologist author, and he's also the co-founder of Wired magazine. And he said this: a good question will be the sign of an educated mind. A good question is one that generates many other good questions. Love that quote. So let's turn these question obstacles into opportunities. It's going to unlock our ability to begin leveraging questions, especially in the first five minutes. So here are five opportunities that are hidden inside of our resistance and objections to asking questions. Opportunity number one. Well, in an attention-seeking age, well, you can be radically different by being others focused. Let's just start there. We live in the loudest era in human history. Everyone has a platform, everyone has a profile, their own personal brand. Because most of that, most conversations have quietly become, well, kind of performances, not connection, performance. Well, we're going to walk into a room and we're going to think, well, how do I sound? How do I look? How do I position myself? How do I stand out? But here's the opportunity. In a culture obsessed with being seen, you can become known for seeing others. That's disruptive. Look at you, now look at me. We become the opposite of that conversational narcissist and focus on others, especially in the first five minutes. But this takes OQ. Remember, observational intelligence. You're asking, how am I coming into this conversation? Is it the mindset of look at me, which is natural, or look at you? That's the opportunity. Most professionals are trying to be interesting. Elite connectors focus on being interested, and that's the shift. And the world chasing attention. The attentive, they're going to stand out. And the first five minutes, radical other focus is your unfair advantage. Opportunity two. Most people want to be seen, heard, and known. And if we truly believe each one of us wants to be seen, heard, and known, which is obvious, by the way, because that's what we want, then we know it's at the forefront of the conversation, especially in the first five minutes when we're jogging for attention and to be noticed. Isn't that what the first impression is all about? Let's change how we are viewed in the first impression. Then all the more, we should leverage the five connection points we find when we preread the room, remember that? And find interesting details that are important to them, but also create curiosity for you and for me, which makes it easier to ask that question. Give them their desire to be known. Create those moments. How? By asking questions and then leveraging what I call locked-in listening. Let them be seen because of how well you listen to them and how you can prove well that you're listening. Give them a follow-up question, two QM, two question minimum on the same topic in line of thought. Honestly, this is a simple process for others to be seen, heard, and known. You know why? We just ask questions. You just need to do the simple process. Here's a third opportunity. You become the model question ask. Most professionals wait for someone else to set the tone. Elite business connectors set it themselves. When you consistently ask clarifying, curious questions, you don't just gain insights, you're also modeling behavior. And behavior shapes especially in the first five minutes. Have you ever had somebody who's been a good model of asking questions? I love that person. They have so much to offer, and I feel so much better being in the presence. And one of the biggest compliments that someone can actually give to me is by commenting on and saying, well, you ask really good questions. That's OQ on their side, observational intelligence. And the older I get, the more I want to be known by the questions I ask in the other person's answers that are revealed as a result of that question. Whether they recognize that I'm asking questions or not, the conversation changes and connection begins. And I'm becoming bolder to nudge someone after a compliment by asking them a challenging question of how maybe they could ask more questions in their first five minutes. What did they see in me? How can we make that a teachable moment? And I love getting someone else thinking and turn the compliment into a teachable moment that's more about them than me. And modeling question asking does three things. Well, it lowers their defensiveness, which is great, especially in the first five minutes. It increases engagement. They're answering your questions, they're getting involved. And also ensures you're safe, gives you the ability of opening up on your own, but you're asking them questions which they start to feel better about themselves. And these are all worthwhile reasons to asking questions. Here's the fourth opportunity. You're open to what others think. And this is a challenge to overcome, not caring what you think the other person has to say, to now learning to ask questions that will give you information that you want to hear. In the middle three minutes of the first five minutes, we talk about the three due skills of an elite business connector. All in ask, listen, learn. And all three are actually applied in this specific opportunity. We ask a question that we want to know, then listen to the response with a mindset to learn something of value, whether for now or for later. Do you want to someone to expand on one of the five connection points you discovered? Well, you can do that by taking the five before the five to find the five. And this is the perfect way to become engaged in the conversation. It's going to show them your preparation, your attentive to detail, and it points to them in the direction you want them to go in the conversation. People don't mind being led in the questions. And remember, he who asks the questions controls the conversation, uses these questions to learn about the other person, their world, their perspective, their personality, their preferences. And if you're in sales, what are the other challenges and problems that they're facing that you could potentially add value? And here's the opportunity number five, the last one. Question asking is a trainable skill. Let's remove the myth right now. Some people believe great question askers are just naturally curious. Maybe so. They think it's personality, wiring, upbringing. But here's the opportunity. Question asking is not a personality trait, it's a skill. It's one of the six connection skills. And skills can be trained. Yes, it requires energy, it requires presence, it requires attention, but it's so worth the little effort for such great results. So let's get practical here at the end, and you can start right here. Focus on asking a simple first question. Honestly, the best way to do that is pre-reading the room and finding something on the other person's LinkedIn profile that you also find interesting and it'd be easy for you to ask about, and you're curious to learn more. You're already knocking out in the first five seconds. You're asking one question in the first five minutes. Now you're at par with everybody else. And you know what? If it's on their LinkedIn profile, for example, then it's important to them. Start immediately by asking that question. Then ask the next easiest question, which is actually a question in a statement. It's just three words. Tell me more. Or you could ask another question that comes into your mind because you're doing locked-in listening, and the response naturally creates another question. Seriously, it can be this easy. And the more you ask, the more engaged the other person becomes. And the first five minutes absolutely takes off and connection begins. Love those moments. Then start noticing how many questions you're asking in the first five minutes. How'd they go? What could you do differently? How are they responding? You can and should develop the question-asking skill, and it will allow you to guide the conversation to where you want it to go. Goes back to my father's quote. He who asks the questions controls the conversation. We ask questions to get a response of clarity and engagement. So here's my closing thought. Let's zoom out. What we really uncovered were five opportunities in the objections. And these opportunities can become your advantages. In an attention-seeking age, you become radically other focused. Look at you, not look at me. When our expertise tempts us towards certainty, you can like to do more by asking better questions. When we feel the pressures to speed up and go fast in a conversation, you can actually slow down a little strategically and prevent costly assumptions by being curious. And when curiosity wasn't modeled for you, well, you can become the model question answer to somebody else. They may not point it out, oh, but they'll feel it and appreciate it. And when advice feels easier than inquiry, you can stay curious. How about just for 30 seconds longer? Tell me more. Tell me more about that. When loneliness is rising and conversations are shallow, you can start to make people feel seen, heard, and known. And question asking feels well, unnatural. You can train it because it's a skill that you can and should be developing. Here's the bigger truth most professionals are. Trying to win conversations like it's a contest. Elite business connectors are trying to understand them. And understanding changes everything. The quality of your questions determines, well, the depth of your connection, how quickly you will connect. And the depth of your connection determines the strength of your influence. And influence, real influence, is built in the first five minutes, not with statements, not with slides, not with certainty, but actually with curiosity. And the professionals who master don't just have better conversations, they build better relationships, they create better outcomes. So here's the question that matters most. Are you willing to remove the obstacles and create opportunities to begin asking questions in the first five minutes? Let's find out in these call to actions. Number one is identify your biggest obstacle to asking questions. Well, how? Well, go to the show notes and review the five obstacles to asking questions in the first five minutes. Figure out which one's yours. Second is identify your biggest opportunity to asking questions. Review the five in the show notes. Third is download this episode's free resource. You know, it's that guide, the 30 connection questions for a stronger business conversations. It's a proven question set to improve every conversation in the first five minutes. So there's your challenge. Go back to your business conversations now. And as usual, by not asking questions, begin by asking at least two questions. So I'm challenging you to overcome your obstacles. Find these opportunities and begin asking at least one type of question: a curious question, continual question, a clarifying question in your next five minutes of a business conversation. Do something with this episode and get better in this area. So here's a quick sneak peek of episode 18. The next episode will be focusing on five accelerators that cause us to click with another person. This is great research. It's from one of the most popular courses at Stanford University, written by two brothers. It'll help us to build rapport quicker in the first five minutes. Well, episode 17 right now is officially in the books in and out, and as usual, hopefully nobody got hurt, mostly myself. And remember to subscribe to and share the podcast. And if you're the extra mild guy or girl, consider reading the show. I would greatly appreciate that. And don't forget that all the episodes show main points, the obstacles, and the opportunities, the links in the book that I referenced are available in the show notes. And I encourage you to pick up that resource, the 30 Connection Skills or Questions for Stronger Business Conversations. You can find that link as well in the show notes. As we close, I'd love to hear from you. Send me an email to Brian B R Y E N at BrianbuckleySpeaks.com. I read every single one and respond to them. Love it. And as my Chicago Bears chant, good, better, best, never let it rest till your good gets better and your better gets best. As my father used to say, thanks for coming, but most of all, thanks for leaving. I'm out. You got this now. Now is your time to do something with this episode. And always remember to leverage your first five minutes to build connection, trust, and influence. You got this now.