Book Breakdown - Question Your Question-Asking Ability: The ASK Method Meets the 1st 5 Minutes - 035

How many questions do you actually ask in the 1st 5 minutes of a business conversation? In this episode, Bryan Buckley breaks down Jeff Wetzler's book ASK and maps its five-step method directly onto the 1st 5 Minutes framework, revealing why most professionals ask just one throwaway question — and how to fix it. If you want people to trust you faster and open up sooner, this episode gives you the playbook.

Timestamps

• 0:00 – The One-Question Wake Up Call
• 3:20 – Why Asking Guides The Conversation
• 5:12 – Step One: Choose Curiosity
• 8:43 – Step Two: Create Safety
• 12:46 – Grab The Ask Field Guide
• 13:59 – Step Three: Questions That Go Deeper
• 17:23 – Step Four: Listen To Learn
• 20:49 – Step Five: Reflect And Reconnect
• 24:04 – The Hard Truth And The Edge
• 26:49 – Three Actions To Practice Today

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Transcript

The One-Question Wake Up Call

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Have you ever thought about how many actual questions you ask in a business conversation? Seriously, what's the number? And how many of those questions did you ask in the first five minutes? I'll let you count the throwaway questions like, How are you? I'll even go one step further and count the bounce back questions like, well, how about you? Do you have that number in your head? And do you want to know the number of questions the average business professional asks in the first five minutes? My research may shock you. It did me. Do I have you curious? I'm going to make you wait to find out that answer. And what I just did is called a good old-fashioned episode tease. So let's get after it. Welcome to the Elite Business Connector Podcast, where we believe how you interact with people will make or break your opportunity to develop a real and influential connection. Now, whether you're a rookie or a rock star with people, you're at the right place right now. And on a mission to help you develop, deepen, and master your business communication skills. And my promise every single week is if you listen and subscribe, I'm going to bring my best content and energy to help you get better at communicating, connecting in a business environment. So if you're in sales, if you're in leadership, customer service or hospitality, or really if you're in any business where relationships matter, and let's be honest, what business isn't, you're in the right place. My father was a quote machine, and one of his quotes he pounded into me was this one. He who asks the questions controls the conversation. Now, he didn't mean it in a manipulative way. In fact, quite the opposite. Control could mean guide. He who asks the questions guides the conversation. He meant people are prone to ask questions, and the more you ask, the more control, aka guide the conversation in a direction you want it to go. And today we're going to go deep on a book that caught my attention the first time I read it. And it's called Ask by Jeff Wetzler. He's a Harvard-trained organizational learning expert and executive coach who has spent decades helping leaders unlock something that they didn't even realize that they were missing, which were asking questions. And Wetzler gives us a five-step method to fix that in his book. And when I first read it, I kept thinking, this is the first five minutes. Every single step maps directly to what we've been teaching here for years. He built his method for the long game, organizations, leadership, culture. We built ours for the first conversation, those first five minutes. But the human truth underneath both, well, they're identical. We're going to walk through Wessler's five steps, the ask method, and I'm going to show you exactly how they live inside your first five minutes. This isn't a book report, it's a book breakdown. But more importantly, this is your playbook. So

Why Asking Guides The Conversation

SPEAKER_00 3:20

here's the episode's big idea. The gap between what people know and what they share is often enormous. And closing that gap is your job, not theirs. The professional who learns to ask well doesn't just win more business. They become the person everyone wants to talk to. So here's our roadmap. We're going to build this episode today together looking at five steps, two parts, the same framework seen through two sets of lenses. In part one, we're going to cover the first two steps, which are the foundation in the book Ask. Everything else depends on getting these two right first. Then we'll take a quick break. I've got a resource for you that you're going to want. And in part two, we'll go deep on steps three, four, and five. Then I'm going to name the single most destructive habit in business conversation that both Wetzler and the first five minutes call out by name. You may be doing it right now. And remember the question I left to you hanging with at the opener of how many questions the average business professional asks in the first five minutes? You ready? One. Uno. Solo. Just one question. I know, right? And my research shows that one single question is almost always a throwaway or a bounce back question. And the odds are great. That's you, and you don't even realize it. So here's the good news. I'm going to try to challenge and convince you to be an outlier, an early adopter to asking more questions. Specifically where? In the first five minutes of every business conversation. But how you ask? Good question, and you're already getting the hang of this. Well done. I'll give you a quick kudo on that one. So let's drill down on the first two steps in this book, Ask, which I highly recommend. Part one is the foundation.

Step One Choose Curiosity

SPEAKER_00 5:12

Step one is this. Choose curiosity. The author prefaces with the different types of curiosity. The first one, diversive curiosity, the drive for new information. Second, it's called epistemic curiosity, and this is a focus on understanding a particular subject at a very deep level. Then there's a third, connective curiosity. And that's a desire to understand the thoughts, experiences, and feelings of someone else. His focus is as ours, with the first five minutes, is connective curiosity. Love those two words together. And Wetzler, the author, he opens up with something that sounds almost too simple to be profound. He says, Curiosity is not a personality trait, it's a choice. You decide before the conversation begins whether you actually want to know what the other person thinks, knows, and feels. And most professionals, if they're honest, like really honest, don't make that choice deliberately. They walk in often already knowing, already decided, already prepared to confirm what they expect to hear. No blame here. This was this guy for decades. Now, Wetzler calls this the assumption trap. You think you already know, so you don't actually ask. Why? Because you already know. And even when you do ask, you're not really listening for something new. You're oftentimes, as he says, listening for confirmation of what you already believe. Now, did you catch that money line? And even when you do ask, you're not really listening for something new, you're listening for confirmation. Ouch. He also names the ego trap, asking a question that might signal weakness. And the efficiency trap, it just takes too long to really find out. We get impatient. Now, these aren't character flaws, they're deeply human defaults. And they're costing you relationships and deals every single day. And here's where the first five minutes enters the framework. It's in the pregame phase, what I call five before the five. It's exactly this step. It's the moment before the conversation begins, or you make a deliberate choice about your posture, which in this case is what? Curiosity. So let's get practical. In the pregame, you find five connection points, remember, not data points, to identify your lead talking point, your LTP. So you walk in prime to look at them, not look at yourself. That is choosing connective curiosity. Not as a feeling that washes over you, but as an intentional act of preparation. You decide. And I'm going to walk into this conversation to discover not to perform. Be interested, not interesting. Your five connection points are the foundation of curiosity. But what if you can't do the research on a person? What if in the hospitality space that doesn't work? Good question again. This is where you leverage OQ, observational intelligence. It's where you change your mindset from a transaction to an interaction. It's when you answer the other person's question that they're asking. Do you see me? Do you hear me? I'm right in front of you. But do you see me and hear me? Curiosity, well, it's a mindset that can be developed and shown by the quality of your questions. Another quote from the first five minutes book is the quality of your questions determines the quality of your conversation. Let's get creative. Step

Step Two Create Safety

SPEAKER_00 8:43

two create safety. What's the well he makes a critical point that I wanted you to sit with? Even the best question fails if the other person doesn't feel safe answering. Well, think about the conversations where someone gave you a surface answer, maybe it was just a polite non-answer, if you will. Uh that sounds great, with zero conviction behind it. You probably thought, well, they don't get it, or they're not interested. But the real diagnosis? They didn't feel safe, or to say it another way, comfortable with you yet. And yet, this is the operative word. Wetzer outlines what he calls safety signals, the verbal and non-verbal behaviors that either open or close the door to an honest response before you even ask the question. This would be your tone, your timing, maybe your body language. And safety isn't created in the question, it's created in everything that comes before it. And the book offers a couple of suggestions to create safety. The first is to make space and don't rush. I'm guilty of this way too often. Second is showing vulnerability on your side. This maps perfectly to the first minute of the first five minutes. Think personal. Now, the entire purpose of the first 60 seconds of a business conversation is not to establish your credentials, it's to establish safety and create the opportunity for the other person to become comfortable with you. That means no business, no pitch, no agenda just yet, but a human connection. You're signaling I see you as a person, not a transaction. Give you an example. I was in a hotel recently, two different hotels. First one is I'm checking in, what's your name? Reservation, hands me the my license for verification, put the card in right there for incidentals and accidentals. Here's a room key. Boom. Barely looked at me. Next hotel, the next night, completely different experience. Person walked in, had a smile on their face, says, Hey, welcome. How was your day? I'm like, long. I'm like, oh, what a bummer. Glad you're here now. Talk about a difference. Ask me where I wanted to be as far as the room-wise. Ask me how long it's going to be in town. Just a little conversation right there that was think personal. Look at you, not look at me. See how that works? And that's in the hospitality industry. And I want you to know something real about you before we go anywhere else. There's a difference between showing vulnerability, but also hijacking the conversation. You need to be aware of your Q2A ratio. What's that you ask? This is the awareness of your questions to your answers ratio. Most error way too far on the A answer and rarely on the Q question. And when you ask questions in the right way with the heart of curiosity and getting to know someone, you create safety. You become comfortable. But the key is being aware, okay, with your conversation of this ratio. Watzer also gives us four questions people ask. They're silently asking before they share anything honest. Can I trust you? Will it matter? Will it be used against me? And do you actually care? And the first minute is designed to answer all four of those questions without the other person even realizing. That's why we never skip it. Safety first, create a comfortable environment, always. So here's a part one rapid recap. Before you hit the break, here's what they were. Step one was choose curiosity. Before you walk in, you make the deliberate decision to generally want to know. That's your pregame, at your OQ, your lead talking point. That's choosing look at you over look at me. And step two is creating safety. That first 60 seconds of the conversation is not for selling, it's for connecting. It's for creating the conditions where someone will actually tell you the truth. Get them comfortable with you. First minute, personal phase, 2 QM, double click down. Now, don't go anywhere.

Grab The Ask Field Guide

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Part two is where it gets surgical. And I've got a resource for you that you're gonna want to get. Real quick. If this episode is landing for you, I want to make sure you can take it with you. I put together a resource called the Ask Framework Field Guide. It maps all five of Wetzler's steps directly onto the first five minutes framework so you get both systems in one resource. Now, free game, first minute, middle three minutes, last minute, exactly where each ask step lives inside your company. It's what elite business professionals do to get improvement in their communication. Now what's the name's good? It's the stuff. But for elite business professionals, looking for the edge, and that comes down to the action of downloading the piece. Reviewing it, and then execute it. So I encourage you, tell me. I even double dog dare you to download this free resource so you can become a better question asker today. All right, part two, steps three through five.

Step Three Questions That Go Deeper

SPEAKER_00 13:59

So let's get after it. Part two is the execution when part one was the foundation. Here's our third step. He talks about in the book, Ask. Pose quality questions. Imagine that. All right, we chose curiosity, we created safety, people are not comfortable with this. Now we actually open our mouth and ask something. And this is where most professionals, well, they blow it. Not just because they ask too few questions, but when they do ask, they ask the wrong kind. Wetzler gives us a framework he calls the question ladder, from closed to open, from surface to depth. A closed question, well, that's a dead end question. Did you enjoy the event? It's a yes or no answer. Floor stays with you on the grounds. You learned nothing. The alternative and open question cracks that door a little bit. What was your takeaway from the event? They have to think, they have to share something real. But the most powerful questions on the latter are what Wetzler calls exploratory and reflective questions. The ones that invite the other person to look inward. Here are some examples. What does this mean for you? What's been getting in the way? If you could change one thing about how this is working, what would it be? We're working our way up the depth ladder. And those aren't small questions. Those are the questions that change the conversation. Why? Because no one else is asking them. In the first five minutes, this is the all-in phase. Ask, listen, learn, A-L-L. And the specific technique I teach here is the 2QM, two question minimum. You never stop at one question, never. One question, well, that's the entry point. Two questions, well, now you have a conversation. That move executes the 2QM, what I call the double quick question. Think of a computer folder. Single click, you see the label. Double click, you open the folder and you see what's actually inside. Now, most in service and hospitality industries, but especially sales, simply single click. They hear an answer and immediately think of something to say about themselves and, well, off they go. Or they just simply answer the question and leave the connection behind the front desk. The professionals who connect not sell or think interaction, not transaction, they double click. They go deeper on the same thread before they move on. Wetzler's version of the double click, three words. Tell me more. Not because it's clever, because it signals, well, I heard you. What you said was worth pursuing. I'm not moving on until I actually understand. Personally, I love these three words because it's a statement question. It's easy, it's not obtrusive, and it shows your immediate interest. It shows your curiosity and to be comfortable with you. He also warns against question stacking. That means not asking too many questions overall, but asking multiple questions at once. For example, so what are you trying to accomplish? What's the timeline and who else is involved? That's not a question. That feels like a deposition. Ask one thing, then wait. Step

Step Four Listen To Learn

SPEAKER_00 17:23

four, listen to learn. Step three is where you ask the question. Step four is where almost everyone, well, kind of loses the thread. Wetzler draws a distinction that I want you to burn into your brain. There are two modes of listening in his book. Listening to respond, which is what most people do, and listening to learn, which is what the best connectors do. Let's unpack that. Listening to respond means you're half in the conversation and half in your own head, preparing your next move. You've already categorized what they said. You're already formulating your reply. You're present in body, but somewhere else in your mind. Here, but not there. Riaz McGee, in his book Every Conversation Counts, which we highlighted in episode 31, calls this, love this phrase, loading, not listening. How many of us are guilty of that? We're acting like we're listening, but we're really loading. Listening to learn, though, means your only job is to understand, not to evaluate, not to fix, not to sell, is to understand. And he defines listening to learn as intentionally opening ourselves to all that the other person shares in order to understand what's essential about their message and their experience. But listening layers. Layer one is the words, literally said. Layer two is the emotion underneath the words. And layer three is the belief behind the emotion. Then there's a fourth layer, which is the context shaping all of it. Most business professionals never get past layer one. The elite ones, those are the ones who build relationships that last. They're processing all four simultaneously and working through to listen and learn. Now I teach this as locked-in listening. I use this image of noise-canceling headphones. When you put them on, you block out everything else. The noise, the distractions, your own internal chatter. And all you hear is what matters. That's the goal in the first five minutes. Block out your own agenda and actually hear the person in front of you. Wetzel also names the listening traps, distraction, premature evaluation. You've already decided what you think before they finished. Confirmation bias. You only hear what confirms what you already believe. And then the urge to fix or advise before you've actually understood. In my early days in sales and in customer service and hospitality, that was me. I wanted to solve the problem. I wanted to show that I was competent, but I never really always understood what they were trying to say. In the first five minutes, this ties back to the all-in strategy: ask, listen, and learn. We listen so we can learn for both when, now in this conversation, but also for later, that you can circle back with the intel that you learned. I can't stress this enough. So few business professionals ask any questions, let alone actually listen, aka locked in listening. And even fewer listen with the intent to learn. So if you can do the all-in strategy, ask, listen, learn, you'll be amazed at the quickness and depth of this personal and professional connection. I love that because that is exactly what the research shows in the book ask.

Step Five Reflect And Reconnect

SPEAKER_00 20:49

Step five, last one. Reflect and reconnect. This is the step that almost nobody teaches. And I love this in his book. And the professionals who execute it consistently, they become the people everyone wants in their corner. Wetzer calls it reflect and reconnect. After you've asked well and listened deeply, what do you do with what you've heard? He defines reflecting, meaning that you actually process it, not file it away, not skim it for what you need and discard the rest. You sit with it, you let it challenge your assumptions. You ask yourself, what did I learn here maybe that I didn't expect? Most of us are lucky to remember anything from the conversation, no matter our best intentions. But Wetzler appries this through three turns, he calls them. One is reflect on your story. How does what you heard affect the story you've been holding about the situation? Reflect on your steps based on what you heard and how it affects your story. What steps can you take? And third is reflect on your stuff. How does what you've heard relate to your assumption? Your biases and your way of being. The reconnect part means that you close the loop. You go back to the person and you tell them, here's what I heard. Here's what I'm doing with it. Here's what I still want to understand with the purpose of reconnecting. And the first five minutes book, this is the problem phase. It's the last minute. This is where everything you've gathered in the middle three minutes gets reflected back to the other person. Not a pitch, but maybe think of it as a mirror. You've been listening so well that you can now name what they actually care about in their language with their nuance. And when you do that, when you demonstrate that you generally have heard them, the conversation shifts and that relationship shifts. So let's get practical. How do you put this into practice? It's finding what I call think space. It's where you think on paper or digital. You process what you've heard and you process it on something that allows you to come back to what you've learned about the other person and the situation. And that's loop closing in real time. That's reflect and reconnect inside the first five minutes. Let me give you an example. So if I have a chance to have a meeting, I try to remember everything that's there. But I make sure that I do. Sometimes in the meeting, I'll actually ask them, do you mind if I take notes? I love what you're saying right here. I just want to make sure I capture it. Why do I do that? Well, most times, if somebody pulls out their phone or their iPad, I think maybe they're checking email, a text, they're not with me. It's a sign of respect to let them know that. But sometimes I can't capture all those details. So as soon as I get back to the car or get back on the plate, wherever I can, I reflect back on that conversation. So I make sure I grab that information. Then I reconnect. I let them know in an email or what a text, a phone call, the next interaction, how to reconnect and make sure that they understood exactly what I learned. Talk about bonus points and how much that means to them. So here's the two fronts of honesty.

The Hard Truth And The Edge

SPEAKER_00 24:04

Front one is the challenge. Here's the honest truth that I'm gonna leave you with. Most professionals reading Wetzler's five steps right now are gonna think, well, yeah, I already do most of that. Well, you don't. Not really. And not consistently. So how's that for some blunt honesty? And how do I know I'm a business conversational expert? And all my conversations verify this very point. We think we're better at asking questions. We think we're better listeners, and we think we're good at learning than we actually are in reality. But if you're listening to this podcast or watching it, then hopefully you know I'm not gonna hold back punches because I want you to get better with your communication, your conversation, and your connection skills. Choosing curiosity requires you to suppress the instinct you've been rewarded with your entire career, the instinct to demonstrate what you know. Creating safety requires you to slow down when every competitive pressure in your world is telling you to speed up. Asking quality questions requires you to resist the urge to jump to solutions. Listening to learn requires your full, undivided, agenda-free attention. And closing the loop requires follow-through that most people don't model because nobody ever modeled it to them. Listeners, this is not complicated, but it does require honesty and effort. And the gap between knowing this and doing it consistently is wider than most people want to admit. Here's front two of the honesty. It's the opportunity. Here's the other side of that truth. Almost nobody is doing it, which is to your advantage. Your competitors are pitching, they are performing, they are walking into conversations ready to be impressive, and then walking out wondering, well, why nothing really connected or converted? And you, if you execute these five steps, if you bring the first five minutes discipline to every conversation, you're gonna feel like you have a superpower, which is asking questions. Because what you're doing isn't magic, it's just rare. Wetzler says the competitive advantage of the future is not what you know, it's how well you can access what others know. How do we do that? Asking questions. The first five minutes says it's a little bit differently. Connect, not convince. Look at you, not look at me. It's the same mission, it's the same truth. So here's a rapid recap, real quick. Five steps, all five matter. Here they are. Step one, choose curiosity. Step two, create safety. Step three, post quality questions. Step four, listen to learn. And step five, reflect and reconnect. So here's

Three Actions To Practice Today

SPEAKER_00 26:49

our closing three action items. Choose one. Action item number one is this. Question your question asking. Audit your last conversation. How many questions did you ask? Really? What type of questions did you ask? Could you have asked more or in a different or deeper way? Remember the question Q2A ratio? Question to answer? What's your ratio? Or actually step number two, deploy the double click. In your con next conversation, make one commitment after the other person answers your first question. Do not pivot to something new. Don't hijack the conversation. Choose to double click. Go deeper on the same thread. Say, tell me more. Or what did you mean by that? Or what makes that the biggest priority? Stay in that folder. See what opens up. Or maybe your action item is the third one, which is to close the loop. After your next meaningful conversation, send a follow-up within 24 hours. Not a sales email, not a proposal. It's just a one-paragraph message that says, here's what I heard. Here's what stood out to me. Here's what I'm still curious about. That's reflect and reconnect in 60 seconds, and it'll make you one of the most memorable professionals that person has talked to possibly their whole year. Before I let you go, I want to give you a sneak peek to episode 36, and it's going to be a good one. My next guest spent 15 years in the gym with Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, and Stephen Curry, not watching them just play, but also watching them prepare when no one else was in the building. And what he saw changed everything he thought he knew about performance, about presence, about people. He took those lessons off the court, onto the stage, and into the pages of two game-changing books, Razor Game and Next Play. And he's bringing all of it right here to you on the Elite Business Connector Podcast on the next episode. So in close, thank you for spending part of your day with me on the Elite Business Connector Podcast. Maybe it's on the way to work. Maybe it was on the way to a sales call. Maybe it's while you're working out. I don't take that lightly. Your time is the most valuable thing you have. And the fact that you choose to invest it here means everything to me. Thank you. But I also want to challenge you, even double dog dare you to download that free resource cheat sheet, the Ask Framework Field Guide, from the show notes. And if you're interested in having me speak to your company or your association or event about the first five minutes framework, you can check out my website, BrianbuckleySpeaks.com, which is in the show notes, and go to the speaker page for more information. You can also reach me directly on LinkedIn or at Brian at Brian BuckleySpeaks.com, Brian with a Y. And as my Chicago Bears chant, good, better, best. Never let it rest till your good gets better and your better gets best. Until next time, keep improving your communication, conversation, and connection skills every day and see those results. But as my dad used to say, thanks for coming. But most of all, thanks for leaving. I'm out. You got this now. Now it's your time to do something with this episode. And don't always remember to leverage your first five minutes to build connection, trust, and influence. You got that.