When Did Youth Sports Stop Being Fun?

When did youth sports become so stressful?

In this episode of Parenting Shrink Wrapped, Dr. Melissa Wellner and Sam Straub welcome communication expert, former collegiate athlete, coach, and author Betsy Butterick for a thoughtful conversation about the evolving world of youth sports and how parents can better support young athletes.

From increasingly competitive youth leagues and early sports specialization to social media, recruiting pressure, and the changing relationship between coaches, athletes, and parents, Betsy shares practical insights that extend far beyond the playing field.

Together they discuss why today's athletes need connection before correction, how parents can encourage independence instead of overprotection, and why asking more questions instead of giving more answers helps children build confidence and resilience.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why youth sports have become increasingly competitive
• How early specialization can impact kids' enjoyment of sports
• The role parents play in shaping the athletic experience
• Why communication is one of the most important coaching skills
• How to help young athletes develop confidence and resilience
• Practical ways to support your child without adding pressure

Whether you're a parent, coach, teacher, or mentor, this episode offers encouraging, practical advice for helping kids enjoy sports while developing skills they'll carry for the rest of their lives.

About Betsy

As a former collegiate athlete and coach, Betsy utilizes her background in sport and degree in psychology to proactively help teams and organizations improve the quality of their communication at every level of team. Her work helps people shorten the distance between INTENTION and IMPACT one conversation at a time, and her reach extends beyond sport to parents, educators, and leaders. 

Learn more about Betsy Butterick and her new book, Kids These Days: Effective Strategies for Coaching Gen Z...and Beyond, by visiting her website or following her on social media.

Contact: parentingshrinkwrapped@gmail.com

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Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

My daughters are five and three, but I would much rather watch them play than record them playing and then be posting about them playing and miss some of the game because I'm so concerned about making sure that everyone sees this one moment from my fifth graders like intramural game.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

And also too, it's putting so much pressure at such a young age to perform. Like what happened for like for the love of the game? For fun. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 0:26

We're just supposed to be fun. Like Yes. And that's the other thing. It's stealing the joy. Like when I talk to young people, there's so much pressure. And yes, they love their sport or they loved their sport, but they're loving it less now because it's changed and the focus is no longer on having fun. It's how good can you be? What deal can you find? What stats do you need? And if you're not getting them here, then you need to go somewhere else because you have to get these certain benchmarks if you're going to make anything of yourself. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. This was a game. This started out as a game.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Welcome to Parenting Shrink Rap, where two mental health professionals will get real with you about the joys and the challenges of raising children and teens. I'm your co-host, Dr. Melissa Wellner, a double board certified psychiatrist, and adolescent psychiatrist and mom of three.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

And I'm Samantha Straub, licensed political counselor, longtime educator, parenting coach, and mother of two. Together, we'll explore all things parenting, from handling monumental meltdowns to first-time drivers. We're all about giving you practical strategies that work. Parenting Shrink Rept is more than just advice. You'll sit in with us for compassionate conversations about the complexities and the absurdities of parenting. We're here to support you and your kiddos.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

So grab your cup of coffee, take a deep breath, buckle up, and join us for this journey called Parenthood. We'll laugh, learn, and commiserate about the joys and messiness of raising kids. But first, I want to say a story that has happened all too many times. So my boys play flag football, which is a super fun sport that's like up and coming. It's going to be in the Olympics, apparently. Like great sport. Well, you know, my kids are 12 and 8. So they're in two separate leagues and age divisions, which is great, but it's unbelievable how competitive, not that the kids are, but that the parents are on the sidelines. Oh, amen. It is like they are playing in the NFL, and this game is like the be all end all Super Bowl game of parents screaming from the sidelines. Mind you, they play flag football going the opposite way of the football field, and there's like four or five games taking place at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

Right. This is like pee-wee squirt football.

SPEAKER_00 3:23

Yes. Like, and it's like, I don't know, like five on five or six on six. Like, there's not even a lot of kids out on the field at once. This is not like a full football team. And the parents go crazy. And sometimes to the point of actually being offensive to and unsportsmanly like to the other team. If their team is doing well or a cold in go in their team's favor. Um, and mind you, these are refs that are like getting paid like very minimal, and like they're like high school age kids that like wander around kind of like half-paying attention with a whistle in their mouth.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

We have a we have a recording in our household that my husband made on the sidelines of one of my daughter's field hockey games. And it's of the woman that he was sitting near. I wasn't at the game, but he sent this to the family group chat, and all it was was this woman shrieking, shrieking. And I won't, I won't do it loudly because I have a microphone in my face here, but it was like, get her, get her, get her. It was this high pitch, and he recorded several versions of this because this was happening throughout. I mean, it was so frankly, he had to move his space because that's just how she cheered. And um, but it was like, you know, it was like she was in a panic the whole time. But you're right, parent behavior on the sideline is a big, huge deal, and that is just one of the things that we will talk about today with our guests. Um and so shall we welcome? Can I can I welcome Betsy Bodderick? Because I had the pleasure of crossing paths with Betsy after she um made an appearance at Bowdoin College, which is where my daughter plays field hockey. Um, and she did some team building, communication, um enhancing enhancement, just some some work with the team and the coaches on on improving belonging, improving improving connect, you know, the how they operate together. And my daughter was like, this sounds like something my mom would like. And she said, so I got a text after. She said, Mom, I I dropped your name to the woman who how who who worked with our team these past two days. She was awesome. I I you're gonna love her. You should totally reach out to her. And so my daughter was responsible for this networking that happened. And boy, was she right. So I reached out to Betsy or and and Betsy who received my like cold call graciously and then set up a call with me. We spoke for a while last fall and we've been playing tag, but we have people we know in common. I've put her in touch with other people I know in the athletic world, in the college athletic world, who also sing her praises. I can't wait for this conversation. So let me introduce our guest, Betsy Bederick. She is a former collegiate athlete and coach. Um and she has a background um in psychology, not just sport. Um, and she uses both of these to proactively help teams and organizations improve the quality of their connection at every level. You know, we're talking between athletes, between coaches and athletes, coach to coach, administration. Um, and her work helps the helps to shorten the distance between intention and impact, one conversation at a time. Um and I would say her reach extends beyond sports also, you know, just to parents, to educators. And so we're gonna talk today about sports, of course, but the lessons that you're gonna learn I think are are applicable to any type of communication. So Betsy Butrick, welcome to parenting shrink wrapped.

SPEAKER_03 7:06

Thank you. I've been looking forward to this conversation for a long time. And again, like shout out to your daughter who came up afterwards, like, hey, this might be a little weird, but can do you want to meet my mom? Like, can I introduce you to you to my mom? I was like, yes, like let's do that. Um, so yeah, like all credit goes to her and and thank you for having me on to chat about oh so many things. Parents these days. Let's let's start there.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

Well, the reason you said parents these days is because you have a book called Kids These Days. Yes, I do, right? Like, and and we'll we'll get to that in a second. It's absolutely something we want to talk about. But um when we say these days, it's to me, it feels like there's like a we're we're making a qualitative remark about about the nature of parents or the nature of kids and how it differs from how it used to be. Yes. And would you say, as someone who spends so much time in the world of athletics, that sideline behavior and or the parent or athlete experience is different than it than it once was?

SPEAKER_03 8:11

100%. And context matters always, right? So there's going to be nuances between age groups, between sports, um, depending on the environment or expectations or established norms within a sports culture. And yes, like kids these days, today's athletes, Gen Z, Gen Alpha, parents these days, um, parents of athletes, coaches these days. I mean, there are so many different, I'll say, adaptations that are happening in real time for the different subsets within a sports experience. So the coach, the parent, the athlete, specifically that triangle, the expectations, the unspoken expectations, um, the intensity, as you mentioned, especially in youth sports. And I've got a friend and colleague, John O'Sullivan, who had testified before Congress about, you know, the state of peril within youth sports and you know the the call to specialize at such a young age, and just the amount of of financial investment and time investment that it takes for parents, and they're being sold this, you know, well, if you're really serious about it or if you want your kid to play in college, then you have to do these things. And there's so much pressure on parents and young athletes. So I do see um from the time I was growing up playing sports to when I was coaching athletes that were, you know, younger, and then now working with athletes of all sports, it's a lot has shifted. We'll say that.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

That's it. I've noticed like from a young age, like there are coaches recording, you know, at age eight, 10 years of age, but I've seen like my own kids in sports, and I'm like, you're recording? Like, are you kidding me? And then the high school age parents are recording their kid and posting all of their socials to try to gain attraction for their student athlete to get recruited, or and it's like, if you don't do that, like it's not gonna happen. And I'm like, what? Like maybe I don't want it to happen because this seems you know crazy. Yeah, like I need to put my kids every sport move like on Instagram, really? Like, are you kidding me? Like, and it's like that's a lot of pressure on a parent, too, to like be that involved. I mean, obviously, there's a recruitment process that happens to become a college athlete, of course, and there always has been, but it seems like the ante keeps getting upped.

SPEAKER_03 10:45

It does, and and that's one of my main concerns is where is our threshold of enoughness, right? Because especially now when we're talking about college sports and we have NIL name image likeness and we have the transfer portal, and now it's very typical for incoming student athletes, meaning freshmen entering college, to have agents. So the recruiting process is no longer happening with a coach sitting in a family's living room having a conversation. It's happening through third parties, and it's largely about you know, chasing the bag and like getting the greatest financial return for, or it's limited by resource you know, allocation across sports. So it's just I I fear that we're getting away from the joy, the value, the experience of what sports has been and could be for so many young people, not just you know, the 2% or 1% that might go pro with their college career after high school. Um it is a lot. And I'm worried that we, if we don't slow down, if we don't find a ceiling, if we don't strike, I don't want to say a balance, but just a blend of you know, what is realistic, what is optimal, what is really in service of young athletes and what's not. Um, and you think about those parents, it's like, yeah, they're capturing all those highlight moments and posting them. And doing so is also taking them out of being present with their child in that moment of competition. It's like, man, I mean, my daughters are five and three, but I would much rather watch them play than record them playing and then be posting about them playing and miss some of the game because I'm so concerned about making sure that everyone sees this one moment from my you know fifth graders like intramural game.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

Well, and also too, it's putting so much pressure at such a young age to perform. And like what happened for like for the love of the game? Like for fun.

SPEAKER_03 12:36

Yes, it's like we're just supposed to be fun, like yes, and that's the other thing, it's stealing the joy. Like when I talk to young people, there's so much pressure. And yes, they love their sport or they loved their sport, but they're loving it less now because it's changed and the focus is no longer on having fun. It's how good can you be? What deal can you find? What stats do you need? And if you're not getting them here, then you need to go somewhere else because you have to get these certain benchmarks if you're going to make anything of yourself. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like this was a game. This started out as a game. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:08

And this was before I grew up before there was club sports. I grew up where you played sports for your town, if you like, which was kind of like and your high school. And there, and there was no, there really was not club sports. And now my my both of my kids played club sports. My my son stopped uh after sophomore year because he burnt out of basketball. He was tired of it, it was too much. Like there were, you know, sometimes six or seven games in a weekend. That's yeah. Um, and my daughter played club sports, played club field hockey, and the recruiting process for college has left the high school for most sports. Maybe I mean there's a few that still focus on the high school, but but it's it's gone to the club team, which means does the so the club team is now and which is a business, right?

SPEAKER_03 14:00

Yes and so yes, and club directors or coaches are like the gatekeepers for access, right? Yes, yeah, pseudo agents.

SPEAKER_01 14:07

So it's like so you said you know, people have like freshmen come in with agents, but many kids have sort of quasi agents in the club that they are playing for. And so then there's like jockeying for position within the club and transferring club, and there's politics around all of that, and and it's money driven, and it sucks all the joy out of it, even as a parent, because then you've got to navigate all the politics.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Like, that is the last thing I want to do on a sports field.

SPEAKER_03 14:40

Absolutely. And when you said like it sucks the joy out of it, I thought you were just gonna stop with it sucks because it does, like it sucks. It sucks for the kids, it sucks for the parents, it sucks financially. Like it just I and this is where I um and I think sports are wonderful. And I love the coaching profession. And gosh, I love my time as an athlete. And that's that's where my passion and frustration both come from, is I I worry that we are losing those things. Like when kids are in the locker room, let's say in college now, and even though they're not supposed to be having these conversations with each other, they're sharing, you know, what are you getting paid? What are you getting paid? And the cost to have a McDonald's all-American on your roster as a freshman before they've ever played in a college game means that sometimes they're making more money than someone who has been in the program for three years and is an all-American at the college level. And we're not talking about like, hey, can you show me how to do that move? Or like, that was a really cool shot. We're not talking about like how hard practice was today. We're talking about how much money are you making. And we're 17, 18, 19, like, what are we doing? Um, yeah, so I have some some qualms.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

So then we've got, you know, 17, 18, 19, developmentally.

SPEAKER_03 15:49

Um like we are okay. Like cookie psychologists, like, let's talk about this.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

Cool. Correct. You know, like they are not finished developing, and and what I say about teenagers is they listen to the loudest need, not the highest priority need. That's nature of the beast. Like they they scratch the itch that feels the most in front of them. And like when we're talking about with our kids like in front of, uh, you know, in in our households, that can mean if you confront your child and um their loudest need is get mom off my back, they'll lie to you. And or they'll just tell you, oh, I did that work because like that conflict goes away. Now, the highest priority need may be actually make up that schoolwork you missed, or don't don't don't make this situation worse by by lying, right? But they will listen to the to the loudest need, which is the one that's right in front of them. And so um that that's who you're getting. And if we've got this culture of, and I'm of course, not every college athletic experience is tainted by NIL or or money, but a lot of it is, um they're at risk for listening to the loudest need. And and that's not always the best one to listen to.

SPEAKER_03 17:10

Yeah, well, and related to that, when you just said, you know, not every college is tainted by NIL, the transfer portal, even if let's say we have a college or college program that isn't, what I am seeing with far greater frequency, and that's part of why I wrote the book Kids These Days, is if parents andor players, or even just one or two parents or players, are dissatisfied with their child's sport experience, they currently have greater power than ever before to be able to mount a campaign to weaponize language that triggers an investigation. And even if nothing is found, no wrongdoing on the part of the coach now, that coach often does not want to stay in that environment because they feel like they've lost the trust of their players. That's an uphill battle. So whether it's through, you know, we found something or um we are threatening, you know, legal action if you, athletic director, don't take our concerns seriously and remove this coach because my child hasn't had the experience we were expecting to have. Like, there is so much weighing in on again that sport environment that has nothing to do with the actual sport. And and it's it's challenging for everybody. Um, and oftentimes to your point of, you know, 17, 18, 19, like we are not fully cooked yet, as far as like your prefrontal cortex is not yet fully formed. And yet you unknowingly or without great consideration have dramatically changed the trajectory of an adult's life because you were part of an investigation that, you know, it felt like, yeah, we should get a new coach because this isn't fun. And now that person needs to pack up their family and change jobs because you weren't happy. But we never had a discussion about, you know, what you could do to influence or change the experience you were having. We never had a conversation about whose responsibility is happiness. Um, you never gave that person an opportunity to meet or exceed your expectations. You only complained to parents or administrators, and then the the ball keeps rolling, and all of a sudden, you know, it becomes a steamroller. And that's really hard for athletes, for parents, and for coaches.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

So, what are some of your recommendations? Well, first of all, what are your observations about kids these days? Let's begin with that. And then the second question, which I'll ask at some point, is what do you advise kids, athletes, teammates, um, and parents do to keep communication sane?

SPEAKER_03 19:47

Yeah. I was gonna say, I sane and civil will be a goal. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to provide the direct path there, but what I'm observing broadly is, and and again, I'm an elder millennial, so I was born in 1983. The unique hallmark of today's athletes, Gen Z, Gen Alpha, is their generations have never known life without the internet. Like Gen Alpha will never know life without AI. And even though, as older or different generational cohorts, so I experienced the changes in technology at the same time that today's young people did. But the period in our development when we experienced them, the context of our world when we experienced them was very different. Like I still had a largely outdoor play-based childhood, which is very different from many of today's young people who had a screen-based childhood. And so what I see often is, especially from older generations, a lot of judgment, a lot of criticism around kids these days. And part of what I strive to do with the book is to help create greater understanding, to replace judgment with understanding. Because when we can start to understand that it's not that kids these days don't want to do certain things, it's that they, because of the context and timing of the world they grew up in, because of technology, they haven't had the same opportunities to get reps in certain skills that were much more innate for previous generations. So things like face-to-face communication. Like when I was growing up, you could call someone, you could write them a letter, or you could talk to them face to face. That was it. That was it for a portion of my life. And it's like you couldn't text them, you couldn't slide into the DMs, you couldn't even leave them a voicemail. So it's like, okay, answering machines. It went from, yeah, it went from on a table to in our pocket. So so much has changed. And and I think where I see more barriers than bridges is when people make a judgment about a young person, and then they don't take it as an opportunity to help develop a skill or to help that individual learn. They just criticize them for not being what they think they should be because, well, I have these skills, but why don't you have these skills? Well, I experienced the same thing as you. You did, but you didn't. And so if we hope to reach today's young people, People or if to teach them, we first need to be able to reach them. And so that's really what so much of kids these days is about. Yes, it's in a sports context. It's meant specifically for coaches. I cannot tell you the number of parents that have come up to me after sessions and said, I know that was meant for coaches, but as a parent, like I now understand my kid better. I have an adapted version specifically for educators because everything that we're talking about, these small shifts, are instrumental in creating the connection that optimizes the skill development, the learning, the elevation of today's young people that starts to fill in that gap of what they didn't get because of technology so that they are better prepared to face the world that is going to come at them hard. And you see, like because of that, you know, oh, insulated because of technology. So now we've got this cohort of parents that are fiercely defending and protecting and, you know, clearing the path for their child. And I always think about that quote in education of our job is to prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child. And so they are very much in this kind of like pendulum swing of over correction and now course correction, but at the detriment and cost to many of today's young people who truly do not feel they have the skills and abilities to advocate for themselves, who feel that life is happening to them in or out of a sport experience, versus having greater agency and ownership of their life experience. So there's a lot going on that's really challenging.

SPEAKER_01 23:24

Oh my gosh, there's so much about what you just said that might want to pick at. One of them is you said there's small changes that we can make to better reach this generation of kids and teach them the skills they need. What's an example?

SPEAKER_03 23:39

Yeah, so an example would be, and I'll back up to say there is a felt need across older generations, whether it's educators, coaches specifically, to like lower our standards or expectations in order to work well with today's young people. And that's simply not true. One that would be doing a disservice to them because lowering our standards or expectations does not help them build skill and capacity. Also, it's likely out of the individual's integrity, whoever's lowering their standards or expectations. Um so one small shift anybody can make. An example would be uh co-creation. Like if I'm often asked, you know, what if there's one tool that you could, you know, advise people to lean into. Because technology has allowed young people from a very early age to customize so many elements of their life, that same expectation, though often unspoken, comes into their sport experience, their educational experience. So as the person curator in charge of that experience, finding opportunities intentionally to involve them in the co-creation of their experience. So it's no longer, let's say, in a sports context, a coach saying, okay, here's what we're gonna do and here's how we're gonna do it and why we're gonna do it, and you this is I'm in charge. No, uh, you would be much better served and have a better quality experience to involve them in some of those pieces. So there are certain things, absolutely, that a coach will always be responsible that are not on the table for or open to discussion and influence. And there's also other things, small things, like if we're gonna warm up for a game, most coaches I've met want their athletes appropriately warmed up to train or compete. How that happens, you might be more flexible with. So if there's a menu of like seven different warm-up drills you might do on any given day, maybe you pick one and then you let the team pick the other one. Or maybe if let's say we're in college, uh coach picks one, freshmen have Monday, sophomores Tuesday, juniors Wednesday, seniors Thursday, and then we're gonna do a new drill we've never done on Friday. Like small things that allow them to have some ownership, some agency, some say in the way that they experience their sport environment. So co-creation would be one shift, just finding ways intentionally to invite them to be an active part of the process, whatever that process looks like, depending on what role you you play. That builds trust in a team. I mean, that right there, that builds trust in a team. Well, that's one of the things that this generation values so much. Again, related to technology, they've been able to Google anything at any time and get information. Now, the validity of that information, we can debate all day, but they can get information. And so they value transparency. Yes, they value authenticity, they value being part of a process because technology has allowed them to have that access at their fingertips whenever they want. Something I hear commonly, and I'll ask this question in a live workshop, I'll say, by show of hands, how many of you have had a young person ask you a question that in some way felt like a challenge to your knowledge or authority? So many hands go up and the eyes roll, right? It's like these assholes, right? And so it's like, okay, I hear you, and it's not meant to be disrespectful. They're simply executing a very well-practice skill. They're using you like Google. And Google never says, that was an inappropriate tone, Betsy. Like, I didn't appreciate the timing of your question. It just spits back information. And so they're executing a well-practice skill. They want to know. And it's up to us as people who care about them to start to teach them why the timing of their question, the tone of their question, may not be well received by somebody who doesn't know them as well. Because I would much rather be able to provide them with that feedback in a caring relationship, in a known relationship, than have them go out into the world in an environment that doesn't care for them or know them and have them have a similar experience. And then one of them.

SPEAKER_01 27:31

And that might sound like, and I'm I'm thinking you said, you know, parents come up to you, and I work with parents, and I'm yeah, and that's you know, I'm thinking your kids do this to you all the time. It's not just athletes asking coaches, right? Kids parents asking a they're Googling, they're Googling you. Um I like that. Yeah. Um you can say, I call this narrating, like you could say, here's how that landed with me right now. I I'm confident that wasn't your intention. Or I'm going to assume that wasn't your intention, which is giving kids the benefit of the doubt. And then first of all, even if it was their intention, if you would give them the assumption that it wasn't, they get the chance to walk that back if they choose to, or they'll somehow double down and pick a fight. But but yeah, but they have a choice.

SPEAKER_03 28:12

You're giving them a choice.

SPEAKER_01 28:14

I'm gonna assume that wasn't your intention, but something you should know is when you ask that question, it felt uh sort of persecute-y, you know, or or it felt like you were trying to poke a hole and like it's giving persecution, yeah. Catch me in the act of like not knowing something and looking foolish. Is that what you were going for? Right? And if if you ask it in a way that's like, or you could say, I assume that's not what you were going for, right?

SPEAKER_03 28:38

And that's what you're what you're pointing to, Sam. For me, and I don't mean to cut you off, but like awareness is a prerequisite for change. Yes, people of any age, not just young people, people of any age are very unlikely to change what they're not first aware of. And so the way that you're phrasing that, like I'm gonna assume that wasn't your intention, you're inviting them to reflect, which is creating awareness. And from a place of awareness, they now get to make more informed choices.

unknown 29:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

I always say that, you know, there's there's five stages to change. They go like this pre-contemplation, this isn't, I didn't make this up. This is from motivational interviewing pre-contemplation, contemplation, planning, action, change, uh, maintenance, and sometimes relapse. So there's five and a half. And oftentimes as adults with young people, we come in at planning or action. We like tell them how they need to. 100% or what they what they're what's gonna happen, or this is what you need to do. And they are at pre-contemplation. Like it hasn't occurred to them that a change could occur or something that they're doing is not the best way to do it, or how they're being is not the best way to be. So when we enter, assuming that they don't know, we are dignifying where they are and they don't feel nagged and dragged. They feel like, oh, now I have insight, and more than half the time, kids will make the change that we're hoping to see when we enter where they are.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

Well, and Sam, in the sports world, think about the parents that like kind of like force their kid into a sport. Like maybe it's a sport they played and like they excelled at, and it's like, well, I was a lacrosse player. We're in Maryland Betsy, so it lacrosse is the hottest thing. Like, and it's like, I was a lacrosse player, I played in college, so like here's a lacrosse stick at three years of age because you need to, you know, follow in mommy or daddy's footsteps and play lacrosse, and like, you know, there can be like that parent can have planned out the next 15 years of a kid's life in a sport that they might hate.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

And I'll say as a parent myself, and my daughter did play a sport that I played, and I will say that some of this is likely subconscious. You know, like I I I introduced something I was like, this was fun for me. So, like good intention, positive intention. And at some point, we as parents may be in pre-contemplation. Like, oh, to what extent am I zooming out and really looking at whether this is fulfilling for my child or or is it or is this a me thing? And I'll I'll share a story. I told you my son burnt out, right? He was playing AAU basketball on a team that was like a really fun group of people to be with on the weekends. So he liked he liked his teammates. And I really liked hanging out with the parents.

SPEAKER_03 31:27

Like I I they grew to be You will play this sport because I have friends.

SPEAKER_01 31:31

That's kind of what it was. Like they they grew to be a set of like like unlikely friends that we all got together on the weekend. Like that's who I spent my those seven games with most weekends. And when we could he was burning out, my husband said to me, I think I think this may be his last year of basketball. And I was kind of like, Oh no, you're you're you're wrong. You're predicting my husband when he was he was dead on. He's like, I think I see him not thriving, and and I was I didn't want it to end. And of course I didn't stop him, but I didn't I don't know, I I probably didn't create as much space as I could have for him to be thinking about whether basketball should be over because I had some skin in the game and it was utterly mine, not his at all. And my husband did a much better job than I did, and he quit basketball and he was so much happier afterwards. He was so much happier. It was the right move for him. And I miss those parents still.

SPEAKER_03 32:25

Yeah, well, it and if they're listening, um, Sam says hi. Yes, she thinks of you often. It's so much of I'm listening as as both of you are talking, and um, Sam, you mentioned it earlier when you're talking about motivational interviewing, and even now, like I didn't leave as much space or create as much space because I had some skin in the game, and that's another one of those small shifts that makes a big difference is we have to, have to, have to, have to. I shouldn't say that. You don't have to. Um, it would be to your benefit and to that of your children, your athletes, etc., to ask more than you tell. Yeah, and you mentioned it's like we're telling them we're we're entering at this stage and they're still in precognition, right? Like, we need to stop telling. We need to do more asking. And and then I'll get the pushback of like, okay, Betsy, but I asked my team a question and nobody answers, right? It's not that they don't know, it's that they value so highly the peer relationship that they are afraid of how their answer will be judged in that space if they speak first. Are they teachers' pet? If they stutter when they speak, are they going to be made fun of by their peers? You know, it's like it's not that they don't know. And there's a variety of ways to facilitate getting that information or have like helping them start to have those conversations in that space, but we have to stop telling as much as we tell. And and I watch, I was talking with a um the director of US uh youth golf, and I'm doing a session with them in June out in Pinehurst here in North Carolina, and he said, Betsy, the big challenge for us is that so many coaches in golf are coaching kids out of the game at a very early age. But it doesn't just impact that kid, it's a generational issue. Because when that six-year-old who has a golf coach who just talks at him and ruins the love of the game that's emerging, that six-year-old quits golf. And then when that six-year-old becomes a parent and their kid says, Hey, what's golf? They're like, Oh, you don't want to try golf. And so we said we're missing out on two generations of kids getting into or staying into the game of golf with one bad experience. And that's the impact. So it's like we coaches are coaching themselves, coaching kids out of sport. Um, again, their intention is positive often. I want to teach you what I know, I want to tell you what I know. And whether it's information or feedback, like so many kids these days, they're completely uninterested in your feedback until they first know unequivocally that you have their back. Like what they want is the relationship. And I tell this to coaches all the time like any of your athletes can hop on the internet and in a few minutes learn a new skill or drill. The one thing they can't get from the internet and from technology is a human connection with you, their coach. So so let's focus on that. Like, let's start with connection, and connection happens through communication. So if we can connect first, there's so much more that's possible than if we come in trying to tell and to teach right away, but we've missed the opportunity to first connect.

SPEAKER_01 35:30

Oh, I love my song. That's why I loved this is why this is why I loved Betsy from the get-go. This is why my bother daughter was like, You should meet my mom. And then she called me, she's like, You should meet Betsy, right? Because this is this is I've I just cannot say how that hit me right in the heart in all the good in all the right ways.

SPEAKER_00 35:51

I'm getting like I'm thinking back to like years of playing sports, and like the things that will stand out are either the really good or the really negative. 100%. Yes. And I'll ask this question. And I can name those people still.

SPEAKER_03 36:05

I was gonna say, so yes, um, when I ask, and it's a neutral question, right? Like, what's something that a coach said to you during your athletic career that you've never forgotten? Now it's a neutral question. I'm not influencing which direction it goes. And over 70% of people who've answered that question tell me something that was critical or said in an emotional or flippant moment by a coach one time, one time when they were playing sports that they have never forgotten. And they're now 25, 30. Yes, yes. And and sometimes I'll get the positive one, right? But it's like, gosh, we have an immense amount of influence. And that's the the opening um in the dedication in the book. It was, you know, while while it's not your responsibility, you have an incredible opportunity as a coach to impact a life for the rest of that life. And I love it. I hold that sacred, you know. So it's like our our words matter, like our our ability to connect or a lack of ability to connect, the importance of withholding judgment and in its place, presenting with curiosity, even if we find out we were right, okay, but let's just give them a shot first, you know? Um, yeah, there's just so much that is within our control when so many things feel out of control. Even the parents screaming on the sideline. I mean, that's where this episode started, right? It's like, yeah, I don't control those parents, but I can control how my kid sees me on the sideline, you know, or the number of coaches are like, Betsy, how do I get a kid that's now in college to stop looking into the stands at their parents every time they make a mistake or every time they do something good? And it's like, yeah, we we gotta start reshaping some behaviors, some relationships so that we can give that kid what their parents say they want, which is I want them to be happy, I want them to be successful. Great. So let's teach them how to be autonomous, let's give them the skills to take ownership of their successes and failures without your approval or disapproval.

SPEAKER_01 38:00

Yes, and that is that is a lesson that goes, as I we said in the intro, well beyond sport. Way beyond sport. Yes. Yeah. So Betsy, you you mentioned um before we started recording that you um that there's a way to access kids these days at a discount. Can you talk a little bit about that?

SPEAKER_03 38:19

Yes, yes. So they'll um there'll be a link in the show notes. If anyone is interested in purchasing the book Kids These Days, whether you are a coach yourself or you're a parent volunteer, whether you have a coach that you know, if you're trying to understand your kids better, as I mentioned before, like yes, it's a sports context, but it's also for parents, it's also for educators of any kind. And I see coaches as educators. So if you'd like to get a discount on the book, you can do so via the link. It's also available on Amazon, but without the discount, they don't let me give you that discount code. Um and then if you're an audiobook listener, it's available on all major platforms. Um, again, I don't have a discount link for that, but I know some people prefer to listen in the spaces between than read. So, whatever your jam, um take it, make it yours. If it can be of benefit, I would love to help you get there. So thank you.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

That book again is Kids These Days: Effective Strategies for Coaching, Gen Z and Beyond by Betsy Butterick.

SPEAKER_00 39:16

Betsy, thank you so much for joining us today. It's been such a pleasure to have you. Um, I know we could go on probably for hours like always. So, but for all of our listeners, thank you for tuning in to another episode of Parenting Shrink Wrap. We love you, we love your kids, and thank you for raising the next generation of world changers.

SPEAKER_03 39:40

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 39:47

Thanks for joining us on this wild ride called Parenthood here at Parenting Shrinkwrapp. We hope today's episode gave you some useful tools and maybe even a few laughs to help you navigate the twists and turns of raising teens and kids.

SPEAKER_00 40:02

Remember, parenting is a journey, not a destination. And no matter where you are on the road, we're gonna help you stay on course. Whether it's monumental meltdowns, teenage turmoil, or just the everyday chaos, you don't have to travel this path alone.

SPEAKER_01 40:20

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SPEAKER_00 40:31

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SPEAKER_01 40:44

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SPEAKER_00 40:53

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