Lost Boys: Supporting the Mental Health of Young Men

Teen boys can be difficult to read, but that doesn't mean they're impossible to reach.

In this episode of Parenting Shrink Wrapped, Sam Straub and Dr. Melissa Wellner welcome licensed counselor, Jarrod Hoffman, for an honest conversation about raising adolescent boys in today's world.

Together they discuss why boys often become quieter during adolescence, how parents can continue building meaningful relationships through shared experiences, and why curiosity often creates better conversations than constant questioning. They also explore anxiety, gaming, emotional development, and the unique cultural pressures facing young men today.

Whether you're parenting a son who's becoming more independent or simply want to better understand adolescent development, this episode offers practical encouragement and strategies you can begin using today.

In this episode you'll learn:

• Why emotional withdrawal is often a normal part of adolescent development
• How to strengthen your relationship through play and shared interests
• Why lowering expectations can reduce frustration for everyone
• The connection between anxiety, gaming, and isolation
• Practical ways to support healthy emotional growth in teen boys

Resources Mentioned

• Jarrod Hoffman's "Does My Teen Need Therapy?" quiz
• JarrodHoffman.com

About Jarrod: Jarrod is a licensed professional counselor. He believes that teens are resilient and that parents are valuable. He was a teenage boy himself from 2004-2011. He loves reading books and is still on the fence about Messi or Renaldo. He's experienced many life-changes like his parents divorce when he was 10 and his dad's death when he was 28. He strives to help others find healing from wounds and triumph through suffering. 

Contact: parentingshrinkwrapped@gmail.com

Watch on YouTube: Subscribe to Parenting Shrink Wrapped for the latest episodes.

Follow:
Sam – Instagram & Facebook
Melissa – Facebook

Work with Us:
Sam – Teen Savvy Coaching
Melissa – Annapolis Psychiatry

Save your spot in the next FREE Teen Savvy Parenting Masterclass.

Free Parenting Resource: Learn the L.O.V.E.D. framework for handling tricky convos.

Listen & Review: Follow on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

This podcast is educational in nature and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental-health care. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

And so the thing I do that I recommend to everybody is like a very easy tool, is like the fear hierarchy, is like we need to start chipping away, increasing the confidence of that teen boy's experience to go, oh no, I can do hard things. But the the thing I would make sure people realize is like you have to deal with uncomfortable circumstances and anxiety to get to the place. Like that's X plus Y. The only way to get to Z is to deal with Y, which is the anxiety and the fear.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

Welcome to Parenting Shrink Rap, where two mental health professionals will get real with you about the joys and the challenges of raising children and teens. I'm your co-host, Dr. Melissa Wellner, a double board certified psychiatrist, and child and adolescent psychiatrist and mom of three.

SPEAKER_03 0:52

And I'm Samantha Straub, licensed clinical counselor, longtime educator, parenting coach, and mother of two. Together, we'll explore all things parenting, from handling monumental meltdowns to first-time drivers. We're all about giving you practical strategies that work. Parenting Strengthwrapped is more than just advice. You'll sit in with us for compassionate conversations about the complexities and the absurdities of parenting. We're here to support you and your kiddos.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

So grab your cup of coffee, take a deep breath, buckle up, and join us for this journey called Parenthood. We'll laugh, learn, and commiserate about the joys and messiness of raising kids.

SPEAKER_03 2:00

But before we do, Melissa, I wanted to tell you about a post that one of my online membership participants put just yesterday. She's the mom of Teen Boys, which is going to be what we talk about today. And she said, um, and I just done a meetup about hugging prickly hugging cactuses, basically, which was like that was what the meetup was about. Like how do you how do you connect with prickly teens? That was what the topic was about. And she couldn't make it. She'd watched the replay and she said, I don't, I wouldn't consider my kids to be cactuses, but they're hard to hug, basically. And she and she said, you know, they resist, they're kind of quiet, they're withdrawn. When I talk about anything emotional, they're like, no, thank you. You know, and they either say it explicitly or just kind of withdraw, like slink away from the conversation. And she she put out to the group, like, give me your best stuff. You know, how do what what how do you connect with boys who are who don't? And she said, It's such a disappointment because I won't I want to be like hugging them and giving them kisses and like connecting with them.

SPEAKER_02 3:15

And I'm sitting here thinking about like literally every morning when my 12-year-old gets out of the car for school. And some mornings, I get I love you, mom. Other mornings, heads down, hood, hoodies like over our head, slinking out of the car. I'm like, I might still be being like, love you, have a great day.

SPEAKER_03 3:40

My buddy, no response. Up you go. Yeah, right. So I'm excited for this conversation because I feel like, and we are going to talk about reaching and teaching boys. We're that's what we're gonna talk about today. Um and I feel like this is obviously a conversation that parents of half the kids out there can can can bite on to. Um, but I think it's particularly important in today's world where young men are getting increasingly polarized and narrowing um ideas about what it means to be a man. And um and maybe we can talk about that too. So let me welcome our guest, Jared Hoffman. Thank you so much for being with us here on Parenting Shrink Wrapped.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Um thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_03 4:30

Yeah, Jared is a licensed counselor in Tennessee. Um, and he, like me and Melissa, believes that teens are resilient, that parents are valuable. And um, he himself was a teenage boy. So he's qualified here from 2024 to 11. That was his teenage years. Loves reading books. He can't make up his mind yet about Messi or Ronaldo. Um, and you said that you also experienced some pretty significant life changes when you were a growing up boy, from your parents' divorce to um the death of your dad, not when you were growing up, but you were young, 28. And um, and so through your work, you strive to kind of just help families and kids heal the wounds and thrive during during that time of major transition. Yes?

SPEAKER_01 5:20

Sounds good to me.

SPEAKER_03 5:21

Okay, well welcome, Jared. Let's talk boys. Let's talk right, let's talk connecting with boys. First of all, tell us what it is about this topic that you find valuable and important.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Mm-hmm. Like you said, it's half the population. There's some people right now that are talking about if we don't have healthy men, that's a that as a society, that's really bad.

unknown 5:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Personally, you know, I said I was an adolescent boy. I hope that most of that is gone at this point. My parents divorced when I was 10. I saw porn at 11 for the first time, and it wasn't until 25 years old that I found a counselor. Uh, not because I was looking, but I just didn't know that that was something I should be thinking about. And so I'm just very passionate about giving adolescent boys the opportunity to be heard in and a space and then helping parents navigate those years as well.

SPEAKER_03 6:20

Yeah. We need more of you.

SPEAKER_02 6:22

Yeah. And honestly, I mean, Jared, I don't know what the landscape is where you are in Tennessee, but like in this area, it's hard to find male therapists. So it's such a female predominated field. And you know, a lot of times when I get requests for like a male therapist from a patient or a parent for their kid, like there's very few options out there. And like I get it. Like sometimes like an adolescent boy wants to talk to an adult male, not a female. Um, but I think this is also where that dynamic comes in with like the mom that was like on Sam, like posting on Sam's membership of like, well, how do I connect? Like, some there is a difference in sometimes the connection between like mom and son versus dad and son.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

To your first point about the lack of male therapists, what a what an ironic twist that the kind of the negative feedback that the psychotherapy world had gotten for the longest amount of time was it was just a bunch of white men.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:33

And let's change that. And it's like, great, we successfully changed that, and now no men want to go into that field for a variety of reasons. And so I did my EMDR training, I was reflecting on this EMDR training, but particularly for practitioners who wanted to use that with children, and there were 40 plus people virtually in the room, and I was the only male. And that is that is not an uncommon experience for me to be one of two or three in a room of therapists, particularly who are focused on children and teens. So I get that question all the time. Hey, uh, you don't take insurance or you're in this part of town or whatever. Can you give me some the name of somebody who, if you start adding too many things and you also want a male who sees their kid, I I truly I'm like, I'm not trying to be dishonest. I don't have anybody to recommend.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

So that is very real. And then the second part that you brought up was just the the fact that uh developmentally you're at a time where you are not wanting to tell your parents generally things, and they that that role has transitioned. So not only would you want an adult who isn't your parent to be able to confide in, you probably want an adult who might match your gender.

SPEAKER_03 8:49

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And who can anticipate things. I know that one of the things that God, that teen, well, every client, but in particular, teen clients need is like I've never met a teen that doesn't think they're crazy. Even the most down-to-earth, wonderful, got their axe together teen thinks on some secret level that they are nuts and that the wheels are off of the wagon, right? They because that's what it feels like to be a teenager of any age and like however collected you are. And I know that it's really valuable to kids when we can speak a little piece of their story before they share it themselves. Or we can anticipate where they're going, or we can tell them, no, no, no, that's totally like you're on the right track, kid. Like this is totally normal, right? And to I I feel like for young men who I'm gonna generalize here, but they are socialized perhaps to less to share less of their inner world than than young women are. Um I think it can be really valuable to have an older man anticipating where they're going with things and like heading them off at the crazy path before they get there themselves.

unknown 10:00

Right.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

You were laughing as you read my bio. I do this kind of thing on purpose, and it's it's a reflection of what I do when I work with with teens, which is what you're talking about. It's like I'm just gonna go ahead and throw out something that that gains me some like you have to tell me less. Um, and it might be because of my age, it's also because I I just work with this all the time. And so it's like Ronaldo or Messi. You know, that that that's so silly to maybe an adult who doesn't work with teens all the time, or they're just like over it, but it's like a real question that they want me to answer. Uh, it's maybe it's like a statistical presence in my counseling room that like 12 or to 20 percent of them they need to know. And I don't know is not good enough for them. But that's kind of what you're talking about anticipating like, hey, I can share just a piece of information that tells you that you don't have to like explain some things to me.

SPEAKER_02 10:59

Yes. And Jared, I think too, like, especially with working with teens, like they need to know you're authentic. Like, I mean they don't need to know your entire life story, but like to give them like a piece of personal information like that where you can have a conversation starter, sets the entire tone and it starts to build trust. Because you're asking a teenage or to like let you into their inner world, which is not an easy task for a teen.

SPEAKER_03 11:32

Okay, so let me ask a question, Jared. I'm gonna build on this question that the mom and my membership dropped. You know, she was like, she was kind of like, I want tools on how to connect with my boys, basically. That's what she said. And if a parent came to you with that question about 14 to 16-year-old boys, what kind of advice would you drop?

SPEAKER_00 11:57

My first thought is kind of the and we we mentioned the cultural piece. We talk about adolescents, they are in a transition. And it's it's as if, you know, like I we were talking about my toddler, she needs to change, she can't just be uh crawling anymore. Eventually she needs to be walking. And while I might thought have thought it was adorable at the time that crawling was so awesome, I can't hold her back and not let her walk because I I just like expect this crawling to continue. Use that as an example for you know, like the hugging, the displays of affection, the interests, the even like the frontal lobe capacity of a 10-year-old versus a 16-year-old is totally gonna change. And we want it to change. So, you know, what a what a grief to have to bear that you're as your a mother, that your son doesn't want to cuddle with you on the couch anymore. Like grieve that for sure, but also know that the the change that's gonna happen is still going to be good, and there's there's like a future ahead of you that is gonna be very positive in your relationship with your son.

SPEAKER_03 14:10

That's a wonderful reassuring. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:17

So how do you then kind of have parents kind of build on that with the teenager who's kind of probably being a little prickly? You've got like a grieving parent, which is true. Like you basically, as your kid grows up, you kind of grieve the previous developmental stages. That is part of parenting, um, and part of your child growing up. Um what do you suggest then that like the mom or dad of an adolescent when you've got this like prickly kind of adolescent boy, uh, young man kind of in the state of transition? Like, how do you suggest the parent then kind of continue to approach that teenage boy?

SPEAKER_00 15:09

Yeah, the things I recommend most often to parents are on play. Your teenager still wants to play to some extent. The homework that I assign most often is three minutes or three uh times a week for 15 minutes to engage your child in whatever they want to do. Because that kind of on the theme is like we expect that they would want to do the things that they did at 10 and it was cute and it was fun, and that's going to change. And so kind of keep up with the times and go, you know, Fortnite is not enjoyable. Let's admit that. But what a powerful moment to literally sit next to them and learn about their world and even attempt it, even though it's completely embarrassing. You know, you say the word prickly, like some of those prickles are maybe gonna fall off with the investment of similar or uh of interests of the child. That's one thing. The second thing that I usually talk about is uh an expectation that they would answer our unending questions. And sometimes sometimes we ask too many questions. And if uh a male, particularly on average is going to be less verbal, then why would we expect that they're gonna answer as we're talking about moms, specifically a female, like unending questions about their feelings and stuff? Like, let's give them some space to just grunt. You know, maybe like you were saying, half the time your kid gets out of the car. Okay, my expectations should be 50% of the time rather than 100%.

SPEAKER_03 16:51

I love that. So so what you're saying is your expectations, lower the bar for what counts as availability.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Yeah, because then you have the opportunity to to really be happy about the times that they do, rather than to be constantly disappointed at the times that they don't.

SPEAKER_03 17:09

And when you think about how how much action is happening inside of kids' brains and bodies, it's no wonder that sometimes they respond with a grunt or they come off in ways that seem crude. Because they don't they're not thinking, gosh, what does my parents do in this situation? Like they don't they there's that's too much to hold at once.

SPEAKER_02 17:35

Anyhow, yeah, true story on that one.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 17:40

Um You wrote in your survey, Jared, when because we have our guests fill out like a you know, tell us about yourself survey, and you wrote, your teen boy doesn't need more info, they need more exploration. What did you mean by that?

SPEAKER_00 17:55

Yes, that's that's exactly what I meant when uh the root of um the question asking, right? We we want them often our conversation even is built around in either information getting or information giving. But ironically, that's not what therapy is about. Like people don't come to me because they don't have the information. Like, in fact, they might have too much information. They they don't know what to do because they feel stuck, not because they couldn't write down a list of the top 10 reasons why I should study rather than going to this social event. And so when we think about teen boys, what do we expect them to do is to tell me all about their day, and then I tell them all the things that they could have done better or they should have avoided. I share my opinion. That's how our conversations can get often, I think, as parents, rather than um sitting with them. That's why I talked about like a mute an interest, uh, something to do with them, or even just the the uh the thing, the tool that I use the most to get them. This comes from motivational interviewing, which is trying to get someone to make a change about something that they want. I I'm guessing some of the parents in that are listening right now are like, I know exactly what I need them to do. They need to do this thing, they need to implement this, they need to take out the trash, they need to finally get out of bed. It's not that hard. Any of those things, and they don't need more information. They actually need to explore, which also requires failure. And in in an actual conversation, that is not you tell me what you're thinking and I tell you what I'm thinking. It's actually you tell me what you're thinking and I'll tell you what you're thinking and see if I got it right. You tell me, let me reflect that back. Oh, you're having trouble getting out of the bed because you feel depressed. And if you're right, that's empathy. And if you're wrong, they're gonna tell you what it is, and then you can understand what they think. It's that's actually the root of change. Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_03 20:03

And it's that's maddening for parents. I was talking with a with a dad recently whose kids having trouble going to school, and um, and he was like, I can't, like, I can put up with trouble with a whole lot of things, but like school attendance is paramount. Like it's just like this is it has legal ramifications. Yeah, right, right. Like, and the dad was not wrong. And I was trying to kind of sell him on the merits of what you just were describing, which is like slowing down and using connection. And the dad was like, Yeah, but like I really feel strongly. Like the dad couldn't get beyond his feelings. I'm like, this is I'm not telling you to not feel strongly about it. But if telling your child to just go to school worked, it already would have. Right? And dad was like, oh, fair. But it's it's not our instinct, and it requires us to manage so much of our own, you know what. Mm-hmm. While we're while we're reflecting, so you feel depressed. Because in my head, I'm like, you're depressed.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Wait, what do you have to do like do I need to feel like the roof over your head isn't making you feel any better? Are you kidding me?

SPEAKER_02 21:13

Yeah, exactly. So switching gears a little bit, Jared, I'd love your take, especially with working with teenage boys, like a little bit more about like the messaging and the polarizing views of like becoming like a man and like being a young adult male in like today's society. Because it is different than when we were younger. Like times have definitely changed.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Yes. Well, I feel like most of my job right now has just been plagiarizing from all the people who are writing amazing stuff about it to explore that more fully. I recommend Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves. He's talking about some of the cultural implications. I think the thing that stands out that he points out that's really interesting is the spectrum that we've fallen trap into of the maybe he, I'm I'm using his language, like the left side that would say toxic masculinity, right? We got to stamp out the aggression, the patriarchy has been the cause of all of suffering for human history. And it's like there's that side, and then there's the side of like, oh, if we just go back to what it was and we have these traditional gender roles, and men just like be men and they don't show any weakness, then everything will be better. And it's like neither of those are the full story. There's a range of male uh or and female kind of like temperaments. And so allowing nuance to like not Every guy has to want to be in the gym. And also, not every guy has to say no to cooking, right? Like they can do that too. And culturally, I think they're just in a really hard spot. So they're expected to be aggressive, but only in like certain areas. I think that's one of the reasons why we see like school behavior being such a big deal and school performance being so low for boys. I'll stop there because I feel like I could just go like that. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 23:21

Well, I was like, I was go ahead, Melissa, you have something to say. I was just thinking, like, you know, I I'm laughing somewhat like my husband is a cyclist, like mountain biking. But also I will tell you, like, he's the cook in the house, not me. Like, you know, and like, do those two things kind of like go together, but like also does that matter? Um, you know, and I think it's about like kind of that's what was coming to mind when you were talking that like you know, he grew up in a household where his mom definitely was like the cook. Um, and his sister, his mom and his sister can both like really cook. And like, you know, I grew up in a household where my mom cooked, but like he came up in a household that had much better cooking than my household, and so he's the chef, not me.

SPEAKER_03 24:13

Um I I think it, you know, adult men have have the privilege of of rewriting a story potentially, like they're they're less susceptible to um to to the like they they just h have the the freedom and maybe even the confidence, I would hope, more confidence to to kind of chart manhood as as they see fit. I I used to teach sex ed, and I would when we talk about gender, identity, and gender.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

Not for the faint of heart.

SPEAKER_03 24:41

No, funny. I have so many funny stories, but this is not a funny one, it's just like a thoughtful one. Um, I would draw the word, I would write the word man and the word woman on the board, and I would draw a box around the word man pretty close to the letters. And then I would draw a box around the word woman much bigger. And and I would say, this is just my thought, but in society today, I find that there are more acceptable ways to show up as a woman than as a man. And and then I would say, let's talk about it. And and it we the the the debate, the thoughts, like the kids were so sharp about about their responses. But what are your thoughts on that, Jared?

SPEAKER_00 25:29

It feels like it goes back to what we were talking at the beginning. Like there's a stigma for males who work as counselors or teachers, especially the younger ages, and the assumptions that are behind that. Why would you want to go into a field where you feel like uh maybe somebody's gonna just automatically think I'm a sexual predator?

unknown 25:52

Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

I I yeah, you weren't asking this question, but this is as something that I experienced today as a male, uh, as a male provider. I I've been uh doing a lot of podcasts, and part of the reason is because I want to grow my um my online presence. And I didn't realize that this was actually an unspoken reason. Grow my online presence because when you Google my name, especially if you're around this location, there are two Jared Hoffman sexual predators.

SPEAKER_01 26:23

Oh my gosh!

SPEAKER_00 26:24

I'm actually and and female providers don't ever have to deal with this as much because I I looked it up. It's like 96% of people on this on the sexual offenders list are males, right? And so when you're thinking about like the expectations of a teenage boy and what field they go into, right? I was actually pushed to be like go into math or engineering, and that's what I majored in, even though my skill set didn't uh even align to that. I'm not good at math, I'm much better with people. So if we're talking about teenagers and teenage boys being in the midst of identity versus role confusion, and that box is like this big, and we're throwing at them all of these things that they don't want to be. I mean, that like totally goes against the the ideas of like existential purpose and meaning and finding what that is for me. If 90% of that is just expected, that's gonna be a very unfulfilling and probably like anxious and depressing life.

SPEAKER_03 27:26

Yeah. And so then we get a young men. Uh which leads me to a question.

SPEAKER_00 27:35

Some addiction uh through phone use, gambling, pornography, uh, video games, social media, and you have the perfect recipe for like isolation and loneliness.

SPEAKER_03 27:47

Which was what I was about to bring up because um I find that that uh a hard presentation to deceive, like to figure out what it means for parents, and also frankly, I think for kids themselves. And I see this more with boys than with girls. Um, and that is the withdrawn kid who's spending all their time in their room, probably with a screen, might be on, might be on video games, might be on their phone. If they're on video games, they might be talking to virtual friends or actual friends who they only interact with on video games, but they are not talking to their parents much, they're not leaving their room much, they're neglecting other obligations in their life. They might be the kid who doesn't get up and go to school. Their their homework is starting to you know slow down, they're bowing out of things that used to be exciting for them when they were younger. How do we conceptualize that? Is that a depressed kid? Is that a is that a kid who, you know, for whom the the world has put them in too small a box and they're like, fine, I'll just stay in this little tiny box called my bedroom, right? Um because oftentimes we see it as uh a won't, like I just refuse to engage in the world as opposed to can't. Um and I'm interested to hear your thoughts. First of all, do you see that presentation that I'm talking about?

SPEAKER_00 29:05

Oh, all the time, yes. I mean, that's a natural bent uh in the probably in the post-COVID world where that's just so easily accessible to like live my life in a room versus out in the open world, particularly for children who are, I call them, I don't say digital native, I say digital alien. Like they've just they've been on this other planet for their entire life. And so, you know, the the positives that I would say, because parents, you know, it can be very easy to point out the negatives. The positives are are that they are doing something that's achievement based. That's why video games can be so addictive, is because there's achievement behind it and built into it. And they are maintaining actual real social connections, even though it's a virtual. I point out that that uh virtual therapy is as effective as in-person therapy. The question is, are those, are there, you know, what are the risks of maybe non-deep friendships and social interactions in a virtual reality or a video game space? And they're the risks are very high, probably much more than in-person interactions. I think what you get in that is a cycle where I've, you know, I've I've gotten very comfortable. And you said parents have to deal with their own stuff, and parents are very comfortable to kind of forego the dangers of the quote real world. And at least I know they're not doing this. First, you do not know that, because plenty of the stuff online that they're doing is probably more dangerous. And and I forgot what second was, but um yeah, I would encourage people to uh you're gonna have to deal with your own anxiety about the situation. So the child is anxious and they've been reinforced in their anxiety to maybe get smaller and smaller and smaller of a world. And you've been you've had the reinforcement of like, hey, this is at least safe. Driver's license is the perfect example. We're seeing numbers of people, well, actually, first exposure to first incidence of alcohol, first sexual uh interactions, and driver's license age have all gone up. Yep. And it's because as a parent, I'm pretty freaking anxious that you're gonna drive this vehicles that keep getting bigger and bigger, and people are texting and driving. And so the thing I do that I recommend to everybody is like a very easy tool, is like the fear hierarchy, is like we need to start chipping away, increasing the confidence of that team boy's um experience to go, oh no, I can do hard things. But the the thing I would make sure people realize is like you have to deal with uncomfortable circumstances and anxiety to get to the place. Like that's X plus Y. The only way to get to Z is to deal with Y, which is the anxiety and the fear.

SPEAKER_03 32:01

So you went there, you went right to anxiety, and which is usually where I go too, because like, but I think that that can be puzzling because these are not kids who typically look like they're quaking in fear. They don't look like they're um, they often are not verbalizing fear because some can't verbalize it, or it's just this amorphous sort of existential dread that they feel and it it's this sort of immobilization. Um and I love that you were that you just assumed anxiety, which that's generally what I assume too. Like I like that that it's not a won't, it's a can't for some reason. And the recipe isn't waiting it out, it's doing some brave stuff.

SPEAKER_01 32:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:47

It's not a surprise that I I went to anxiety because I mean that's my own experience uh in my life, but also with just the the team boys that I work with, right? There's there's a lot to be fearful about. Anything like that, any change you're gonna make. And we talked about motivational interviewing, a team that's trying to make a change. Like it's gonna come with some anxiety because what will the world hold for me if I do that? There are bad things. The other thing you can do to combat this is to uh, I think Tim Ferris talks about uh fear, uh, instead of a fear hierarchy, it's like a fear list, like listing out all of the possible bad things that could happen and write what you would do. And you find pretty quickly that like the worst case probably isn't gonna happen. And most of the time, the thing that you would do anyway is not that big of a deal. Like you can overcome it. I had to do this myself. I was thinking about taking a trip uh overseas and doing like a Europe classic, like post-grad, like travel Europe. And there's a lot of scary things about that. And most things were like, I'll just die, but I have that risk here, or I'm gonna have to find a way to, you know, get back to the United States with no money and no passport. And I'm like, I think people have done that before. Like, we'll figure it out, and it'll be a cool story, probably.

SPEAKER_03 34:11

Right. And and if you can get there, and sometimes it can help to have a guide. And if you can't, if there's not a therapist, some just know just knowing as parents that these are kind of some of the ways that we can conceive of what our young men are going through and and maybe offer uh offer guidance in a non non question-pumpering way.

SPEAKER_02 34:35

And go make a fool of yourself trying to play a video game.

SPEAKER_03 34:39

I did that. I have a 22-year-old on this, and uh and I remember when uh because he played basketball, and I was like, I'll play basketball with you. Now, I cannot shoot a basketball. I'm pretty good at a couple sports, but basketball is not one of them. And um, but one of the sports I'm good at is lacrosse, and the defense in lacr in women's lacrosse is the exact same as the defensive positioning in basketball. And so I was like, I'll be on permanent defense, you can be on permanent offense. And and we had so much fun. He was like, damn, mom, you're pretty good. I'm like, Yeah, but don't let me touch the ball. This will just keep you you keep keep you moving. But it like it was a great, it was a fun way for us to connect um within my skill set, at least, my limited skill set.

SPEAKER_02 35:22

So, Jared, if our listeners want to find you, reach out to you, where can they find you?

SPEAKER_00 35:29

Sure. I I don't do a lot of social media because it's not very good for me. And so I'm on LinkedIn. If anybody's on LinkedIn, it's uh and then I have a website, Jaredhoffman.com. I have a newsletter, you can sign up for it there. And there's something that I recently created is uh just a quiz. It's a 15-question quiz to answer some of the questions, uh Sam, that you brought up about like, is this just a normal teen experience who's interested in video games, or is there something deeper that needs therapy? And so that quiz is just called Does My Teen Need Therapy? And it's uh big green button on the corner of my website and it'll shoot out some thoughts and answers and kind of the the reasons for all the questions. So that can be helpful. You don't have to put your email in. Uh, you know, if you're a parent and that you find that valuable, you can share that with other parents too.

SPEAKER_02 36:19

And we'll make sure it's in the show notes. So if people are listening, um, that you the link will be there.

SPEAKER_03 36:27

Thank you, Jared Hoffman. This has been a great conversation, probably tip of the iceberg for sort of the issues facing young men in our society today. Um, and to our listeners, thank you for joining us for this conversation. And as always, thank you for raising the next generation of world changers. We love you. We love your kids. Thanks for joining us on this wild ride called Parenthood here at Parenting Shrinkwraft. We hope today's episode gave you some useful tools and maybe even a few laughs to help you navigate the twists and turns of raising teens and kids.

SPEAKER_02 37:07

Remember, parenting is a journey, not a destination. And no matter where you are on the road, we're to help you stay on course. Whether it's monumental meltdowns, teenage turmoil, or just the everyday chaos, you don't have to travel this path alone.

SPEAKER_03 37:25

So until next time, keep your seatbelt fastened, your sense of humor intact, and your eyes on the road. We'll be back soon with more compassionate conversations and practical strategies to support you and your family.

SPEAKER_02 37:36

Don't forget to subscribe to Parenting Shrink Raft wherever you get your podcast so you never miss an episode. And if you've enjoyed today's show, we'd love it if you'd leave us a review and share it with a friend.

SPEAKER_03 37:49

If you have suggestions for topics you'd like to see us cover in the future, feel free to send us an email at parentingshrincraft at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_02 37:58

Until we meet again, take care and enjoy the ride.