Body Wisdom Rising

Trusting the Void: Illness, Identity Collapse & Awakening With Alana Joy Newton

• Alyssa Stefanson

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Alana Joy Newton shares her transformational journey from physical disconnection to soul remembrance, revealing how a rare genetic diagnosis became the catalyst for her spiritual awakening. Through deeply personal stories, she illuminates the powerful connection between our physical symptoms and spiritual messages, showing how learning to trust our bodies can lead to profound healing and self-discovery.

• Discovering the parallel between Alana's rare connective tissue disorder and her deeper disconnection from heart, soul, and intuition
• Transforming our relationship with physical "symptoms" by approaching them as messages rather than problems to be fixed
• Navigating the collapse of identity and relationships when we begin to awaken to our authentic selves
• Understanding the "liminal space" – the uncomfortable void between what was and what will be
• Recognizing depression and suicidal thoughts as potential messengers of misalignment rather than purely pathological conditions
• Reclaiming sovereignty over our bodies and intuitive wisdom rather than outsourcing it to external authorities
• Finding wonder in everyday existence as a pathway back to self-compassion and possibility

Find Alana's book "The Sovereign Volume Two" on Amazon by searching her full name, Alana Joy Newton. Learn more about working with Alana as a psychotherapist, coach, or joining her group container "Beneath the Surface: Excavating your Authentic Self."

Alana's IG: @Alana_joy_newton

Alana's Website: www.alanajoynewton.com

Alana's Book: https://a.co/d/9NSHvwe



Alyssa's IG: @wildfemininerise

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Body Wisdom Rising podcast. I'm your host, alyssa, and my intention here is to deliver grounded, embodied insights, alongside practical tools and resources to help you heal, awaken and remember your sacred nature. This is rooted spirituality, bringing people back to their bodies, back to their roots and back into connection with the ancestral ways that have always carried us. Not spiritual fluff, not disconnected theory, weaving together the best of ancient wisdom and modern science living, breathing practices and conversations that integrate healing, wellness, earth-based wisdom and conscious growth. Each week, I share space with experts in trauma recovery, holistic health and ancestral ways of knowing, as well as voices with lived experience and powerful transformational stories. Together we explore what it truly means to rise rooted, embodied and whole. And if you enjoy this episode, please take a moment to leave a five-star review, as it helps these conversations reach the people who need them most. Let's get into the episode.

Speaker 1:

Today, I get to sit down with my friend, alana Joy Newton. Alana is not only someone I admire deeply, but also a beautiful soul whose story of resilience and reconnection is so inspiring. She's a nurse, psychotherapist, author and what she calls a reconnection guide, helping people find their way back to themselves when life has left them feeling disconnected, lost or broken open. Her own journey through chronic illness, loss and the unraveling of who she thought she had to be, led her to uncover the essence of her soul, which is joy. To uncover the essence of her soul, which is joy. Now she walks alongside others on their healing path, supporting them in reconnecting with their authentic selves, their purpose and their own joy.

Speaker 1:

This was such a heartfelt conversation and I'm so excited to share it with you. So here's my conversation with my friend, Alana Joynerton, with my friend, alana Joynerton. Alana, I've been waiting to have this conversation with you. You know we really bonded in. Sarah Swain's community was where we connected and where we met and I just resonated so much just with snippets of your story that you've shared. I haven't heard the whole thing, but I just felt a deep resonance.

Speaker 1:

I really feel that we have parallel paths in a lot of ways.

Speaker 1:

Of course, differences in our stories for sure, but why don't we just kind of dive right into you opening up and sharing your own story that you've been going through over the past several years of awakening, dark night of the soul, these transitions, you know, identity shattering really experiences, if you're open to diving into that, yeah, I'm so open and I'm so excited to connect with you as well and I feel that resonance and, like you and I have shared before, like the, of course, our unique human paths, yeah, and at the deepest level.

Speaker 2:

So much resonance and I hope that your listeners will also connect in that way too and see the unique differences in our stories but also those deep commonalities that we all share as humans. You know, I believe we're born awake. I was born awake, we're all born awake, and awake meaning what that means for me is, you know, a clear connection with soul, self, authentic self and just, yeah, this deep knowing of universal wisdom and being supported and connected with the earth and with each other, and kind of like this calm awake for me is something like a calm, grounded, rooted place, and so I would say, yeah, I was likely born awake. And I remember, you know, in my, my early years, having these kind of deep knowings that seemed to kind of either contradict or not quite fit in society, in my family, um, I had this. I remember looking in the mirror when I was seven years old and just kind of staring at my own reflection and and couldn't quite place, you know, know, my body myself. In that body, like, I felt this disconnection, like I didn't quite belong here. And in hindsight I think what I was recognizing is that differentiation between you know, this physical human self, and we can call it soul I kind of interchange my words sometimes, but I'll just use soul, self um, so I had a pretty profound, conscious awareness of this distinction at a young age, um, but then it didn't really seem to accord like with with my family and with society, and so I just, you know, kind of gradually became more and more disconnected from that, from that knowing, being told that you know, like the sort of, like the I had premonitions or I'd have, like I'd feel others' emotions really intensely and like, and I was told that that was like I was too sensitive or that what I was experiencing was crazy or woo-woo or whatever wasn't true, couldn't be validated by science, and so I really learned to disconnect from this deeper wisdom.

Speaker 2:

And then how my story goes is, you know, I lived in this way, you know, gradually becoming more and more disconnected from my emotions because they were too sensitive I was told they were too sensitive from my intuition and my knowing and from my body. I was having lots of different sensations in my body and experiences that were different than my friends, and I was told that they weren't happening or I was exaggerating or whatever. So then I learned to also distrust my body, that my body is. Whatever messages it's sending me, they're not true or they're not a big deal, even if my body was telling me something different. I learned that no, that's not true, that's not a big deal, so ignore that.

Speaker 2:

So I went most of my life, you know, not trusting my body, disconnecting from my body, disconnecting from my emotions, disconnecting from my intuition, because that was the way I felt I needed to be to fit into this family and society. But as the soul, as the soul often does, is it's, you know, it doesn't really let us forget. That was my experience. It didn't really let me forget this connection. And I was. It was manifesting in my body in lots of different ways. I had lots of different.

Speaker 2:

At a time I'd call them symptoms. I don't call them symptoms anymore. They're just getting all sorts of messages from my body that I was, something was out of, something was amiss in my life, in my body and in my life. And so fast forward, fast forward, a good three decades plus, by this time I had a career in nursing my soul that I listened to, told me to pivot, and I went on and did my master's in counseling psychology, and so I got married and I had the two kids and the picket fence and all the things, but I still felt this nagging like oh, there's something not quite, there's something amiss, and my body was sending me lots of messages to tell me that too.

Speaker 2:

And so then, after my son was born, I was noticing in him some interesting messages, aka symptoms in his body that I couldn't quite figure out. I put on my nursing hat, I was trying to figure out what he was experiencing, and then I was like, ah, whatever it is he's experiencing, I've been experiencing my whole life, yeah. So then, long story short, he and I were both assessed and diagnosed with a rare genetic condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which is a disorder of the connective tissue. Like the universe is so funny, it's so funny Like, okay, so I have a disorder of connection, I have a disorder of connection, and I knew.

Speaker 2:

I knew it wasn't just the DNA map of my collagen, it wasn't just a physiologic disconnection in my skin and organs, and you know, there was a deeper rooted disconnection, and it was that disconnection from my heart, from my feelings, and from my soul, from my intuition. So that is the turning point, that was the catalyst for my awakening, and I didn't know any of these terms at the time, I didn't know what an awakening was. I wasn't spiritual or religious or anything like that. I was not. I was not. I was actually very scientific former nurse. I was very much yeah, I have to see it to believe it, and so this was a very new experience for me, and so it's really only in hindsight that I call it. I went through this dark night of the soul, questioning everything that I knew about my existence. I'll just pause there for a second.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, wow, first of all, I love that you call them messages, not symptoms, and I would love for you to kind of go deeper into this process of like. What was that turning point of you like going from seeing this as like symptoms, like a like physiological?

Speaker 1:

like response a chronic health condition like how did that transition to? This is something deeper, like this is like yeah, soul, deep, emotional, um so much more to it. And did your, did your son heal alongside you as well? I know it's kind of a loaded question, but yeah, okay, yeah, um certainly wasn't an overnight experience.

Speaker 2:

There's no hack through spiritual awakening, as you know. So it was, um got to this really deep, dark place, um, questioning everything, because I was so shortly after I was diagnosed and I was grappling with what does this diagnosis mean for myself and my son? You know, people with this diagnosis are on varying degrees of disability um, some, you know, bed bound and opting for premature death because of the severity of what they're experiencing in their bodies. And so I I just I really didn't know. It's a bit of a gamble, like we don't really know how one would be affected by it. And so I was confronting my mortality in a way that I never had before, and soon after that, my father died and he shared with me very simple words. We didn't have a very deep human connection. He was kind of short on words, but he shared with me these words life is for living and that, you know, that led me to questioning how am I living? Am I actually living my life? And so I went to this deep place of recognition. I wasn't. I wasn't really living my life, I was living the life that others expected of me. And to relate that back to your question around the body and coming back into that, what I'm going to say is trust of body, how you know how others had discredited what I was experiencing in my body and I had, I had joined them in that because I felt that that's what I needed to do.

Speaker 2:

And then, when I started to wake up and realize that these were beliefs that others had put on me and they were telling me what I was experiencing, my own body, I was like, wait a sec, but this is my body, I feel what's happening in there, and so I, just I, developed a more trusting and loving relationship with my body. Again, it wasn't overnight and there isn't like one thing that I did, but I, just I. I, over time, I grew up, I developed a more trusting and loving relationship with my body, and so then I came to the appreciation that, well and also, just, you know, the reality of our human experience is that our bodies are always trying to serve us. They're always trying to serve us right. They're the only no healing. They're not going to destroy us just for the sake of destroying us. And so, whatever they're, whatever body's doing, however it's manifesting it's you know messages.

Speaker 2:

I just became so clearly connected with the knowing that it is here to support me in some way.

Speaker 2:

Um, and so what that enabled me to do is when I would experience a message in my body I'll just use the term pain for simplicity of language when I would experience something like that in my body, rather than panicking about it and like, oh, what does this mean? And whatever right, which we know at the nervous system level, activates that sympathetic response, and that is not how our bodies heal. So, rather than jumping on board with the fear of this sensation I'm experiencing in my body, I lean into it and get curious about it. Oh, body, what is it that you're trying to tell me? I'm not going to fear you or numb you or blunt you or shut you off. You know. What is it that you're trying to tell me was Vipassana. I went on a Vipassana 10-day silent retreat around the same time and yeah, you're smiling, I think you get it, yeah, yeah. So it really supported me with being with every sensation and body and not pathologizing it, simply being with it and trusting it's sending me an important message.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah. That's deep Like going on. So a 10 day silent retreat when you're dealing with all of that when that's already pretty intense. Like what was that like?

Speaker 2:

I just got chills in your ass. It was, yeah, it was intense. Um, because I was still on the kind of on the fence, right, I was still kind of like on this. I was on the fence of pathologizing and hating my body and I mean, it was around that time the timeline is a touch blurry, but it was really.

Speaker 2:

It was around that time just before or just after that, I was told by a specialist that I was permanently disabled and that I'd never work again, and so there was a fork in the road moment. It's like am I going to believe that and go down that road? And I don't deny people who are on that road what they are experiencing in their body is absolutely valid, it is true. And I was at this fork of like am I going down that branch or am I going down the branch of believing that my body is here to support me and whatever it is I'm experiencing has a message for me to support my healing? So around that same time I don't know if it's before the retreat or after the retreat I had read the biology of belief, right, yeah, yeah. So that really influenced. And what I appreciated about it is you know, walk through the science, you know, science, brain, me needed to be walked through how this what I would then call woo, woo, right, uh, understanding of our human experience made sense and so um.

Speaker 2:

So in the retreat I was like, yeah, I was on that. I was kind of on that, um, on that fine line of which way am I going to tip. Am I going to tip into pathology, pathologizing and fearing my body and believing that I'm permanently disabled, or am I going to go the other way and believe that my body is here to support me? This is all happening for a reason. My body is not wrong, it's not broken. Yeah, so, um, and then being in that, you know it's, it's a hundred hours of silence. Well, no, it's more of it's a hundred hours of meditation and it's 10 days of complete silence, like no reading, no, no writing, no eye contact, no listening to anything, no, like just totally in your own experience. And that supported me with radically reconnecting with my body and I uncovered what well was certainly my truth is that my body is not here to attack me. It's, it's trying to tell me something.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's powerful and that's you know it's. It's not an easy path, which should be mentioned as well, like as you know, it's it's it's challenging, and I'm sure you you experienced many times of like wanting to take the easier, easier path right, like it's not necessarily easy to actually start to listen to our body and to go into the messages that our body is giving us. And so where are you at today with those messages, those symptoms?

Speaker 2:

that you're receiving. Yeah, yeah, I, you know, um, I mean, so the messages are still there, right. I just have a very different relationship with them and I tend to body in a way that I didn't used to. You know, I, and in that, you know, if we were to look at like, let's just say, the pain writing scale, you know, because that has decreased, yes, because I am not fearing the pain when it arises, I'm leaning into it, I'm right. So, you know, because when we jump on, when we get into the fear about the sensation, it in the nervous system dials it up. And I know, you know this, and just kind of sharing it for the benefit of your listeners too, right, when we, when we lean into, yeah, the uh, well, when we fear the experience, we actually dial it up. So, so, so I have objectively dialed down this experience we would call pain. Yeah, definitely dialed it down. Is it still there? Yep, I still get, you know, um, but I just have a very different relationship with it.

Speaker 2:

Like, right now, I'm feeling a sensation in my left hip. That's a common spot for me, um, and I've been told so I have. I have pins in my hips because of a rare occurrence that happened when I was a kid another rare accident when that happened when I was a kid and I've been told I need a hip replacement. I was told this like seven years ago I need a hip replacement. And I'm like, no, I don't, I don't not yet. I mean, medical intervention is helpful sometimes, for sure, and I don't need this yet.

Speaker 2:

And so when I'm feeling the sensation in my hip, I bring my you know compassionate awareness to it. Hello, hip, I hear you, I feel you, I'm with you, I'm supporting you, and yeah, so you know it's. I think it's often perceived that you know this. I'll just say healing journey like we are then rid of all the discomfort in our body and our emotions in our life. But in my experience that's not true. It's just I've developed a different relationship of being with it. So the discomfort is still there in all the ways physical and emotional and it's still there, but I've just developed a different relationship with it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that. It's because it's so truthful and it's the reality, but it's not as sexy and it doesn't sell right.

Speaker 2:

People want to hear oh, it's gone and it's magical right.

Speaker 1:

People want to want it. People want to hear oh, it's great gone and it's magical right like yeah, in 30 days reality yeah totally. But yeah, it's just, it's just not the reality. Recovery, um, recovering from anything in life, it's a lifelong journey, but, like you said, it's and I hate to say that too, because it doesn't mean that it's like going to be a living hell, it's like no, it actually does get easier and better, and I hate to say that too, because it doesn't mean that it's like going to be a living hell, it's like no, it actually does get easier yeah, and you start to

Speaker 1:

actually enjoy the process and, um, but yeah, it is building a different relationship with your pain, um, it's um starting to actually really view it differently and, um, you know, I would love to just even touch on because I think this is really important like going through something that you went through where it's like it really was identity shattering, belief shattering. I'm sure during that process you had to change a lot of relationships, like that's often the process that we go through, because it's like, hey, if I have to follow my own path and start to listen to my body, I do need to step away from certain relationships and certain beliefs that are being projected onto me. Can?

Speaker 2:

you go a little bit into that, like, what was that like for you? Yeah, it's, yeah, how I often describe it is, you know, so, starting way back when, when I was looking in the mirror and having this, you know, awareness of differentiation between human self and soul self, and, and, and then I became more and more conditioned or programmed. You know, this is the language that I use and I think it's common, and so I think of it as this like you know this, I go like this, with my hands, like kind of this erection of a building, right, like, or like a structure right, right, this ego structure, kind of, was built up right and so this was like the ways I, you know, the beliefs, the patterns, the behaviors, the identities to get get on in this world, to feel that, um, acceptance and love and attachment from family and society, etc. So this uh ego self was constructed and when I was struck by this diagnosis of disconnection and my father dying, the ego self collapsed. It was, it was. It was actually quite sudden. It was quite a sudden awareness. I'd sudden, I mean a few months, but but pretty sudden awareness that, oh my gosh, you know I've been behaving in ways, I've taken on identities that I wouldn't say there wasn't any trace of me in it. There was, but they weren't really serving me anymore, and so lots of identities crumbled, and one of the most significant identities and relationships that crumbled was my marriage podcast, because it's not something I speak about a lot. I have a very good relationship with my former husband and we co-parent together and we still have a beautiful family, although a different structure. But it just came into my awareness that, well, I was changing and it's not that I was changing, I was becoming more of who I was, but the me that married him was different than the me.

Speaker 2:

After this experience, and I grappled for a long time of how I could continue being the me that I had realized, like, remembered, how I could continue down this path of remembering and stripping away right these identities and beliefs that were no longer me and still remain in the marriage. And it just wasn't possible. I felt like I was needing to choose remaining the person I was when we got married, or remembering who I actually am was when we got married, or becoming remembering who I actually am. Um, and so, yeah, the the marriage. With much contemplation and work and commitment to our marriage, it. It did end up. We separated yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it changed form. We were talking about this earlier we even started recording. You know this, this idea, like the reality is, we're meant to change as humans and we're never in a relationship because relationships are never fixed. You know they're, they're always meant to be changing forms and sometimes we grow together and sometimes we grow apart, and you were even sharing with me how you have. You know you have a healthy co-parenting relationship, which is so beautiful, which just goes to show it's like you're still in this relationship, but it just changed form.

Speaker 1:

It just looks different now. Yeah, it's beautiful.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it changed form, it is beautiful and it doesn't fit the societal norm right. So it can be confusing and maybe even uncomfortable for others to kind of observe this dynamic, because there aren't a lot of. I think there are more and more with you know, the conscious uncoupling process and like there are more and more templates of this kind of way of being in co-parenting relationship, um, but it's still kind of it is a bit atypical, like people expect that when you separate, when you get a divorce, it's because you hate each other and there's tension and there's fighting, and it's not really like that. It's not like that at all. Actually, we're quite good friends.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that, not even like with marriage, but even with dating people expect that. I've experienced that in the dating space, where I'll be seeing someone for a little while and then then we realized, you know, it's not meant to be long term. But then we remain friends and people are like well, like, like it doesn't make sense to them, like they're like, well, no, there had to be something, like there's no way you could be friends. I'm like no, it doesn't have to be dramatic. And that was something that I had to learn, because I was so used to chaos and drama and it was easier for it to be dramatic Cause I was like, if I hate this person, it's easier for me to move on.

Speaker 1:

But, then it's like yeah, like getting to a place where it's like no, like it's actually harder to allow myself to just be with it and like, grieve that this is not working out but also like seeing that this is, like you know, a person that I respected admire on their own journey.

Speaker 2:

And there doesn't have to be like this, this pain.

Speaker 1:

It just wasn't meant to be. That's it.

Speaker 2:

Right, that's it. It can be that simple, that, like open-hearted separation right, and I seek that as well in, you know, relationships that end, I mean the proximity will change, the nature, the dynamic of course will change, but I can't think of anyone that I've separated from that in my heart it feels acrimonious, it doesn't. It doesn't. I feel love and compassion and peace with everyone I've, you know, been in relationship with, and friends as well. Sometimes friendships, they just they kind of. They go off on different paths and there may be some pain and some confusion, and I still feel love and compassion and if I were to cross paths with them again, I'd meet them with open arms.

Speaker 1:

Um, yeah, yeah, thank you for sharing that. Yeah, and you know we were. We've talked a few times just about like these. We call them, we like to call them initiations. I think it's really helpful to look at, you know, these, these transitions that we go through in life, through the lens of seeing it as a sacred initiation. It's just a powerful perspective.

Speaker 1:

But, that being said, it's like you know, when we go through these, often like this collapse of, like the ego structure, of our identity, of our beliefs, there is a period of like a void before we go through the rebirth and, like on social media, we often, you know it's more sexy to talk about like the collapse and then to talk about like the rebirth right after, but it's like there should be a space in between where the integration happens, but that can often be the most painful experience and I always say life is a ceremony um, so I always compare it to ceremony like when, when you're in the ceremonial space, you can have these profound moments and like these ego deaths, but the real healing happens in the space in between, the integration, because that's where the work is done and it's painful.

Speaker 1:

So I think I mean I would love, if you're open to it, to release that void.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, so true, yeah, it's not often spoken about because, again, like we were saying before, you know, like the, it's not sexy, you know it's not sexy to like to say, well, no, I still have pain in my hip, like I didn't get rid of that, that's still there, right. It's not sexy to say this is a lifelong journey, it's not going to be finished in 30 days, right. And it's not sexy to say, oh my gosh, I'm in the muck, I have no idea, like I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what this life means anymore. I feel lost. I don't know what this life means anymore. I feel lost.

Speaker 2:

And in that space, something I think is important to speak about and it's certainly an experience I can very much relate to in that space there's often thoughts of, well, can I even go on? Do I want to go on? And thoughts and this is where suicidal ideation will come up, you know, thoughts of ending one's life, and so this is I want to for anyone listening who's in this place, I want them to know that this is understandable. It's totally valid to have thoughts of ending one's life when, in this space, because there are, there is a, there is a death happening there are probably multiple deaths that are happening and have happened, you know the realization that this behavior and this identity and this you know pattern is no longer serving and it absolutely did at a time. And so I validate, yeah, all those things, those identities and patterns and behaviors, did serve at a time, but it's come to the time where it's no longer serving and it's hindering serving and it's hindering, and so they, they've died away. There's the realization they're not helping, they've died away.

Speaker 2:

And then it's this in-between state well then, what's next? Like who am I without these identities and patterns? And it can, I mean it can feel like a very um, well, well, isolating, hopeless. Yeah, the despair in that place of just not knowing what's next. And there's a term from anthropology called liminal space. And so it's this yeah, the in-between right, the what was has fallen away and what's coming is unknown. And so it's that mushy caterpillar phase, like in the cocoon, just sort of like not knowing what's next. And so I'll often think about the caterpillar when I'm in those states, because I still go there, you know, I still like this evolution is continuous. And the difference is now, when I'm in those places, I have that deeper trust and knowing that I will come out of the mush and spread my wings. But in that mushy place it can be hard to remember that.

Speaker 2:

And what is so helpful in that space is that trust, like the trust in the unknown, which, for humans, trusting the unknown like that, for our ego selves, that's really hard to do. We like certainty, we like control, predictability. So trusting in the unknown it's a very scary, um you know, belief for the ego self that wants all those things. And the unknown is also where we're met with so much possibility, like there's, like you know, everything is possible in the unknown. That's the flip side of the unknown is everything is possible and it can feel like nothing is possible. But actually the flip side of that is everything is possible, everything is possible.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so important to talk about and that, like healing, we heal in a spiral, it's not linear, so we'll revisit like the same um, you know, the same themes but different circumstances. And it's so interesting because, like seven years ago and we talked about this before going through like these seven year cycles when I first went through this was like my first rock bottom with addiction and that was really really Like obviously one of the hardest things I had to pull myself out of and relieving that relationship that I was in and like healing from, you know, domestic violence and addiction Like it was a lot and losing my job and it was such an intense period.

Speaker 1:

But I had a spiritual awakening during that time and it was like just that connection to something greater carried me through it. But this time around, seven years later, was actually it sounds wild to say, but it actually felt harder, I think because it was just such such a like abrupt change. The floor was ripped out from under me and then I had the spiritual awakening. I felt so supported and guided. But this time through seven years later. I went through similar themes, like different situation of course.

Speaker 1:

But you know, just about a year ago I was in it, like I was really, really in it, and I actually had a close friend that witnessed me through this whole process, and her and I were actually talking about it last night because she's like it's so cool to see you like now coming out on the other side, because she saw me in it. And yeah, just those thoughts of like I don't think I can make it through, like I don't think I can get through this. This is just too hard. And you know, a part of you it's like no, of course I don't want to leave, but I also just don't think I can make this Like I don't think I can do this, and I was actually reading a book by Sandra Ingerman, the book of ceremony.

Speaker 1:

I love Sandra Ingerman, so recommend her books. But there's this book called the book of ceremony and in her book she was talking about going through these initiations, these soul initiations.

Speaker 1:

And she said that when she was in one of her hardest initiations, like in that liminal space, in that void, she was at a place where I was like this is too hard, I'm not going to make it through. And she just heard this voice say to her if you thought you were then it wouldn't be an initiation. So yeah, so I I found that really powerful and it's helpful. It's like we're not bypassing by by any means and we're not saying just focus on positivity and love, and light.

Speaker 1:

No, we do want to acknowledge that it is really, really hard. But we do need something. We need a rope to regulation, Like we need to see a glimmer and we need to hold onto some sort of hope. Otherwise we'll get into the despair. And I can tell you like I never, like over this past year, I never thought that my journey would take me where it is now. It has turned out so much better, so different than it was a year ago, Like how my mind and how my ego wanted this journey to be completely a different path, but way better than I could have possibly realized, but there were so many moments over this past year where I was like I can't do this.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to go back to the way.

Speaker 2:

I was before Like it was easier, before. I want to go back to sleep Like I don't want to do it. Oh my gosh, I feel you with that one, oh yeah.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and once you know and see, you can't I mean there is no going back, right, there's no going back. But I get the desire because there is something. Well, it's familiar, you know, and yeah, and so in that familiarity there's a sense of ease. But once the soul has starting to like right, once we've started to wake up, yeah, I've thought of that for myself too and I'll just go back, just rewind, just go back. But I know I, I mean I can't, I can't unsee and unknow. You know the right what I've come to realize about.

Speaker 2:

You know, as a society, we pathologize it and we, well, we medicate it and we blunt access to it. And this is something I definitely struggle with as a psychotherapist, you know, because I recognize that, as a society, we, you know, we value human life. Keep somebody alive, um, to me, reached a point of being inhumane, like it was. They clearly did not want to live anymore. I'm thinking of this 98 year old woman that we, you know, um, and so I, I've experienced society's um upholding of this. You know the sanctity of life, which I do agree with to an extent, and I think when we sometimes we can miss the deeper messages If we're like life at all costs. Cut off, cut off whatever is air quote threatening life, or the belief, yeah, the belief that it's threatening life. And then we, yeah, we kind of cut off from the wisdom. So so, speaking about, you know, mental health, if we were to compartmentalize it in that way, it's, it's all, it's all in one.

Speaker 2:

But if we compartmentalize mental health in that way, um, you know, someone who has thoughts of ending one's life is often, you know, they lose their autonomy, they're, you know, hospitalized and medicated, and I have found that that can inhibit the accessing of the deeper message that there's something in their life that's out of alignment. There's something in their life that's out of alignment, and it can be, it is. It is very uncomfortable to dig through right Access, the root of that existential right Distress. It is hard work, there's no doubt about it, and until that root is accessed, those like I just I don't think it's really going to go away, because if someone's living out of alignment, their soul is going to keep telling them that, and so it's going to manifest as thoughts of depression and ending one's life.

Speaker 2:

And so there is a place and a time. I'm absolutely for medical care and medication at place and a time and I've also experienced and witnessed how I can block access to that deeper message. So there was a time in my life that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety because I had, you know, thoughts of ending my life, and so I was medicated and all the things, but there was something within me that was like I mean, for a time, maybe that was helpful, but it's like this is not, this is not a permanent solution here. Like this is, this is this is not accessing the root, and so it wasn't until I accessed the root that, yeah, I was that that kind of faded away, right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I actually found something very similar. Um, you know, during my path I've had a very unique life for my family and I'm so grateful for this, but my my parents were really not into seeing doctors or pharmaceuticals, so that was like never an option for me, so I never even thought of it to be an option. So I never grew up like going to see like a therapist, a doctor, for anything like I've never been on pharmaceuticals. I was self-medicating through like drugs and alcohol, though. That being said, but, um, you know, I never even thought of these options even being available because I wasn't raised in that.

Speaker 1:

So it's like so when I was going through my deepest, darkest depression, like when I finally got sober, because that was just causing so much pain, like the drugs and alcohol were causing so much pain so I got sober but I still went through this really, really heavy depression and so for me it was never an option of going to see like a doctor for that. And I started to read this book and it talked about like there's a purpose to depression. I'm like, okay, maybe there's a purpose to my depression.

Speaker 1:

So I got curious, so I really approached it with curiosity and, um, yeah, I was actually going into the depression and allowing myself to actually fully be in it and like ask those difficult questions and like some days it looked like sitting in my bathtub for four hours and like not being able to do anything but just like sit there and like that the heaviness and like the density of it all, and then eventually it started to like lighten and dissipate and, yeah, that was my process. But, um, yeah, it's interesting how we've been conditioned to look at like you have depression, you have suicidal ideation, go, you know, get help immediately, and not to say that you shouldn't like absolutely, that's absolutely what I'm saying. But, um, that wasn't my path, is what I'm just sharing and, by the sound of it, wasn't yours either, right, yeah, it is, it is, it is.

Speaker 2:

I find it's a fine balance between getting support, getting that help and also still being in it. You know, to not blunt access to the wisdom of these messages, depression, suicidal thoughts, to the wisdom that they're bringing us, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, another thing for me too this time around, like going through just that this past year of like that uncertainty and that void. This time I actually chose not to go to psychics or mediums or astrology. In the past I did because I was seeking for certainty and not to say there's anything wrong with that, because I love all that. Yeah, I absolutely do yeah, but this time around I'm like no, I'm just gonna be in the uncertainty. Yeah, and actually that was where I actually oh I.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it was really powerful so yeah, I love that, I love that. Yeah, I mean there is value to all of these modalities, absolutely All of them, whether it's, you know, psychic mediumship, astrology, medication, I mean there's value, there's value, there's value. But it's being so discerning about what, when you know, like, what will be the most supportive at this time. And you know, in society we have, you know, I believe I've experienced and witnessed a tendency to outsource our wisdom to someone else else, and so, you know, we've seen this in the medical model, certainly the way, you know, we have collectively decided that doctors are up on this pedestal and all knowing and disconnecting from the wisdom of what's happening within our own bodies, and so this became really apparent to me.

Speaker 2:

I mean, I was both sides of the fence, I was medical professional and also someone that was frequenting, you know, aopsies, or frequent flyer in the system, and so I came like, and so, having the experience of chronic illness, because I've got lots of different diagnostic labels that I hold at an arm's length, but, you know, being in and out of the system, having these chronic messages in my body, I came to the realization that wait a second, it's like I know my body better than them, I don't care how many degrees they have. I know my body better than them, I live in it every day. And so I started to reclaim that right, that power of being sovereign in my own body and I can make decisions for my own body based on what I know is true for my body and maybe some professionals disagree, but I know what's true for my body. And so, kind of getting back to this tendency of outsourcing I mean, of course, when we're in that place of uncertainty right there's this knee jerk I want things to be certain, so I'm going to outsource, and maybe it's not to the medical doctor anymore, but maybe it's to the astrologer, right?

Speaker 1:

so it's the same thing 100, it's the same thing.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, so, and and it has value, right, like western medicine has value. Astrology has value, right, like Western medicine has value, astrology has value. But if we're in this place of outsourcing and putting these you know people, experts in the field on this pedestal of being a guru, you know whether it's Western medicine or astrology, no different. You know, if we're putting them on this elevated pedestal, we're outsourcing our own wisdom and disconnecting from yeah, well, disconnecting from our sovereignty.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, yeah, absolutely. And I mean, like you said, all these things can be tools and they can have a place, and not to saying that, like, sometimes it does become so overwhelming that we are looking for just a little bit of relief and there's no shaming at all. Yeah, no, no that we are looking for just a little bit of relief and there's no shaming at all.

Speaker 1:

But yeah it really is just that reminder of like you have everything within you and you're more powerful than you realize, and I just think that's just a more empowering belief to have not to say that these can't, you know you can't. You can still trust your body and also have an integrative approach and use these things as well.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, it really just is kind of restoring that, that wisdom and reconnecting to that innate intelligence that has always been within us, because we've been very disconnected from our bodies and over intellectualized culture that really, you know, worships and pedestals science over spirit and over body wisdom. So love that so much.

Speaker 2:

I love that so much. I love that so much. Yeah, discernment and trust and connection within, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing your story For someone who's in it, so someone who's like, just really in that stage of like that ego shattering, going through a huge transition, a huge change in their life, feeling like the floor is being ripped out from under them. What is one thing that you would say to them?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I mean I'm not going to state this in a way that makes it sound easy, because it's not, but I would say to them self-compassion is the key and it's not about the bubble bath it's not, but it's coming back into love of self and really it's of body.

Speaker 2:

So when we can come back into connection with the love of our body, the miracle of our body and breath, I mean, for me that helped me, uh, remember that anything is possible, like if this body can be here, as it is, breathing day in and day out, like that's a miracle. It's a miracle that we take for granted. I often still will take it for granted, and so coming back to this miracle of our own bodies and connecting with nature to remind us of that is something that's really helpful. Yeah, so something, a practice that I do to remind myself of the miracle of existence and of this body is I go on a walk every morning. I call it a wonder walk.

Speaker 2:

It's kind of like part of a practice I do and I go into the world and I I mean I walk kind of like the same eight blocks, like it's not. It's not like I'm on a new walk every day, but I look through new eyes, like I look to try to find something new, or even if it's the same thing, I look at it a different way, and so to have kind of that beginner's mind and see the wonder and the miracles of this natural world around us and recognize, well, we are that too. So if there are this many miracles outside of us, then there are this many miracles inside of us and so, yeah, reconnecting with that the miracle of this life and and the possibilities. So I mean, I know it's not like a step by step, but I could come, I do, and I do come up with a step by step for people that I'm working with, depending on where they're at, I do come up with like a step by step, but that's kind of the overarching approach.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, and that's the thing it's, like every single one of us really, depending on what we're going through like, our journeys are going to look so different, and I think it's so important to mention that we're not meant to do this alone either. So just because we're saying not to outsource your power doesn't mean to do it on your own.

Speaker 1:

That was one mistake that you know I made on my journey was because I went through so much pain and I went through a period of isolation, which I actually do believe is necessary. During that time it was really coming back to self and like what is, what is my truth here? But I did need support on my journey, like because we don't heal in isolation, and it's finding like a guide or a mentor who's going to support you, walk alongside you as an ally is what I always say. That's my approach when I work with even my recovery. I don't even like the word clients, but you know, you know friends and like sisters that I support on their journey on the recovery journey.

Speaker 1:

I'm an ally walking alongside them. Sometimes we need strong recommendations so I'm not saying that, because sometimes we actually do need that support but someone who's always looking to put the power back in your hands and not become dependent on anybody or anything.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, on my journey it's been working with people who've been just powerful, sacred mirrors on my journey and guides and mentors and who've walked the path before me and the beautiful thing about the work that you do is you have the credentials and you have the lived experience, and that's so important and you know you just have that depth and that wisdom and the embodied wisdom which is what we're drawn to right. We want to look for someone who's actually embodying the path, not to saying that it's like, oh, I'm healed and I have it all figured out. That's not what embodied wisdom is. It's like I'm walking.

Speaker 1:

I'm still walking this path and you might be you know a little bit further on the journey than someone who's maybe just you know, starting that path themselves. But yeah looking for someone who's a guide and a mentor, and so you help people, you walk people through this journey alongside them. How can someone work with you? What would that actually look like?

Speaker 2:

yeah, yeah, yeah, I just want to reflect back some of what you said there yeah, that partnership and and that we're not meant to do this alone, right, we're not, and, yes, part of this process that you know, the isolation serves in its own way and we're not meant to do this alone. And so, again, it's not about, it's not about outsourcing, but it's more like, yeah, developing community and partnerships. And so, when I I also don't use the word client sounds clinical, but, um, when I work with and even work, when I support, guide others, it's very much about a partnership and what I'm listening for, um, when I'm guiding and supporting them, is their own wisdom coming out from themselves. I, I've had my path and I've learned a lot and there might be something in my experience that will help them and I can share that with them and they'll take of it what helps them. Right, it's not a prescriptive. This is how you need to do it, because I don't know them and their life and their soul's journey. So what I really listen for is, um, their soul speaking, and I've I've been able to, you know, kind of dial this in more and more, and I mean, I've worked with people for 25 years now like in helping capacities, so and refined, refined, refined, refined to to really hear their intuitive guidance within them, like and call and then bring that out and show that to them. Um, and so the different ways that I work with people right now, um, you know, it's ever evolving, as as we are.

Speaker 2:

Um, so I I still work as a, as a psychotherapist, um, because some are wanting to do that like that deeper kind of historical um exploration and healing um, and in my psychotherapy work I generally will also bring in um, let's just say, for ease of terms, like kind of coaching, which is often more that like future oriented um versus past. You can kind of make that differentiation between therapy and coaching. It's sort of like past and present, past and future, and so, yeah, so I still work individually as a psychotherapist, I work individually as more of that coach role, and so we're not necessarily doing the deeper dive of psychotherapy. They've maybe done a lot of that for themselves already. They have a pretty good appreciation and knowing, awareness of their wounded patterning and behaviors and all that. They have pretty good knowing of that, and then it's weaving that into like, okay, then what's the future vision? Right?

Speaker 2:

So I work individually as a therapist, as a coach, and then I have a group container called Beneath the Surface Excavating your Authentic Self, and that it's more yeah, I'm as a coach, not as a therapist and it's about supporting others with reconnecting with their heart, their emotions, their sensations, their body again like depathologizing experiences in their body and their soul. So starting to dial into that intuitive voice, starting to get to know that intuitive voice. Yeah, so those are the different ways that I'm supporting people right now, and I often will have kind of like pop-up workshops, where I have one called the masks we wear, where we explore, just as we were talking about, the different identities that we adopt and come to start to peel back those layers about all these different identities and behaviors that we've adopted and and come to compassionate curiosity is how they once served and no longer are serving. Um, so I have, yeah, a few different workshops like that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, Love it, love it.

Speaker 2:

I'll include all of this in the show notes, so people will be able to find you there. Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much. This was such a beautiful conversation. I live for like deep conversations like this. So, yeah, you have so much wisdom and I'm so grateful and appreciative that you joined me for this.

Speaker 2:

Oh, so much it's. Yeah, it's been such a pleasure connecting with you and I hear the resonance in our stories. On the human surface, some, of course, differences, but like those deeper, yeah uh, commonalities, and I hope your listener is able to hear themselves in this as well. Yeah, oh, and just one more thing I'll mention, um, because I thought I've I've been forgetting was just recently. I just recently published a book. I was coauthored in a book, yeah yeah, called uh the sovereign, volume two, and so I share a bit more about my um awakening journey in that in my chapter. Okay, beautiful, beautiful and they can.

Speaker 1:

Where can they find that book? Is that on Amazon?

Speaker 2:

That's on Amazon. Yeah, so if they, if they Google. Well, if they just Google my full name, that's on Amazon. Yeah, so, if they, if they google. Well, if they just google my full name, alana Joy.

Speaker 1:

Newton, um, it'll pop up amazing, beautiful. Well, thank you so much, alana.

Speaker 2:

Yeah yeah, thank you so much, so good to be here.