Episode 22: How To Calm Down When You're Feeling Triggered

In this episode, we’re talking about what actually happens in your body when you get emotionally triggered—and why it becomes so hard to stay calm and present in the heat of a disagreement. 

Kari breaks down what it means to become dysregulated, how your nervous system flips into survival mode, and most importantly—how to get back to calm fast.

You'll learn 5 simple, science-backed strategies to reset your nervous system in the moment, including box breathing, movement, cold water tricks, grounding techniques, and even why humming can help. Whether you shut down or blow up when you're overwhelmed, this episode will give you the tools to handle high-stress moments with more clarity, control, and confidence.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.642)
Hi everyone, welcome. Before we jump into today's episode, I would like to share with you very quickly that I'm going to be teaching a class on June 26th. It's gonna be all about how to stay in control of your emotions when you are feeling triggered. So this is definitely something that many of us can use in our lives and so I thought that I would take just an hour or so and teach it to you.

Tickets will go on sale May 26. And for those of you that are unable to attend the virtual class, replays will be available. So please keep your eyes open for more information, because that's going to be coming your way within the next couple of weeks. OK, so I know that we have all had those moments when you're in a conversation or in a disagreement, and you are doing your best to stay calm, cool, and collected, right? And then the other person

does or says something and it completely throws you off the edge and you're triggered and your body's like, nope, we're going in the DEFCON five. Suddenly you are really struggling against the urge to say something awfully mean, to lash out in anger. Maybe you're struggling to not burst into tears. That's usually what happens to me. Or maybe you're just really fighting the urge to go punch something. Okay. Maybe like a wall or a door or something, right? Okay. That is your autonomic.

nervous system kicking in. And while it is completely normal, it is not helpful in that particular situation, right? Because you're trying to have this honest, open conversation, and that just goes right out the window when this happens. So today we're going to briefly talk about how to recognize when you are dysregulated and then what you can actually do in the moment to help get back to yourself as quickly as possible.

What I realized upon reflection is that I have said multiple times on this podcast that when you are feeling overwhelmed or when things escalate and get really heated, that it's a really good idea for you to press pause, step away from the conversation. But what I have yet to do is teach you what to do when you do take a break from the conversation. And what I've learned most recently is that a lot of you are stepping away.

Kari Hoskins (02:22.69)
but you're ruminating on whatever it was that triggered you and whatever it was that pushed you over the edge. And you guys, this is not helpful. This is actually the opposite of helpful. It just can make things worse actually. And so that's really kind of the gap that I want to fill in today for you by giving you some strategies that can help you come back to yourself. I really hope my puppy's not too distracting. I can hear her over here rustling in the corner. Okay.

But before we jump into the strategies, I would like to share with you just this down and dirty little overview of your autonomic nervous system so that you have an idea of what is physiologically going on inside of you. So the autonomic nervous system has two major systems. Okay. You have your flight, fight or freeze system. I call this the survive system, but it's technically called the sympathetic nervous system.

And then you also have your parasympathetic nervous system. This is your rest and digest. I call this the thrive system. In case you have your survive, that's fight or flight. And then you have your thrive, which is rest and digest. Okay? And so when you're in a conversation or a disagreement and it suddenly escalates, what happens is it's very easy to become dysregulated, meaning

your survive and your thrive systems are no longer equally balanced. Your survive system kicks in, that fight, flight or free system kicks in and kind of like takes over. Okay. And this is when you're going to feel really overwhelmed by emotion. And it's going to be really challenging to control your emotions when you're in this state. And this is oftentimes when we will do or say something that we regret.

At least that's what happens to me and I know what happens to a lot of you as well. So this is called dysregulation. You will know this is happening because basically you're going to feel totally spun up. Your heart's going to be racing. Your muscles are going to feel tight. You might have trouble, you know, thinking clearly. Everything feels very big and urgent. And if you're feeling like you want to scream, cry, run away or like smash a plate, maybe go punch a wall,

Kari Hoskins (04:42.69)
This is your automatic nervous system kicking in, your sympathetic nervous system. It's out of balance and we need to put it back into a reset calm mode. Right? And so that's what I want to teach you right now. So when you're feeling triggered, when things escalate, again, I want you to press pause. Hey, this is a really important conversation. We need to talk about this, but I just need to take a couple minutes and calm down.

Or you can say something like, I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. Can we please hit pause and pick this back up when I'm feeling calmer? And then either in that moment, wherever you're at in the kitchen or living room or wherever you are, you can stay here and do what I'm about to teach you. Or you can leave the room and go do this alone. So I'm going to give you some strategies, some things to do when you step away and take that break. I'm going to give you five different things to try.

I'm gonna start with my favorite one. So my favorite one is called box breathing. And this is a breathing exercise that actually works, okay? Everything is done in four second increments. So you inhale for four seconds, hold it for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds. So it's inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four.

Inhale, hold, exhale, hold. And then you repeat that over and over again until you are feeling calm. This does work, my friends. In addition to it like telling your body to kick in to the thrive system, that parasympathetic nervous system, in addition to that, it can also help you regain more mental clarity, concentration, focus.

And if you make this a part of your daily habits, it can also help you get better sleep. I know I've started doing this two to three times a day for the last three months, and it has improved my sleep significantly. So this is not something that you necessarily have to only do if you're feeling triggered. This is something you can do on a regular basis, even when you're in a calm state. The second suggestion when you take your pause or your break,

Kari Hoskins (07:05.356)
is just to move, like quite literally move. Jump up and down, do jumping jacks, shake your arms, run around like a crazy person, dance, take a walk, whatever it is, you just need to get your body moving. Movement helps your body burn off that extra surge of adrenaline that you just experienced. The third suggestion has to do with cold temperatures. So splashing cold water on your face.

or holding a handful of ice or maybe taking an ice cube and putting it up against your cheek. What this does is this literally will chill out your nervous system. And that's how you can remember it. You need to chill out, literally. So go grab a piece of ice, go splash your face with cold water. I know it sounds weird, but it absolutely works. This also works if you're prone to anxiety. It can help you like hold off an anxiety attack.

and it can help you interrupt an anxiety or a panic attack. So this is something you definitely want to keep in your hip pocket. The next suggestion for you to try is a grounding technique where you anchor your body to the present. You want to identify five things that you can see, four that you can touch, three that you can hear, two that you can smell, and one that you can taste. And this will help yank you out of that mental spiral.

And the last suggestion that I have is to hum. Well, you can hum, you can sing, you can even gargle water. All of those things stimulate the vagus nerve. And the vagus nerve is kind of like your body's calm down button. And so when you start humming or singing or gargling water, your body will begin instantly to calm down. So all of these strategies that I just suggested that you try,

They activate that thrive mode. They tell your body to kick in to that rest and digest. And this is what will help bring you back to calm. All right. So I would suggest that you practice a couple of these just when you're calm in a calm state or if you're neutral or whatever, because it's going to help you remember to do it when you're feeling triggered. All right. Okay.

Kari Hoskins (09:21.034)
So hopefully those help. I do have a challenge for you. It is to pick one that you think sounds the most easy or the most interesting for you. Practice it and then do it. Next time somebody pushes you over the edge. Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I will talk to you next time.