Ep 24: What To Do After An Argument

Every couple argues—but what really matters is what happens after. In this episode, we explore the power of repair rituals: those small, intentional gestures that help you reconnect after a fight. Whether it’s a hug, a note, or a shared laugh, these rituals create emotional safety and prevent lingering disconnection.

You’ll learn:

• Why lack of repair—not conflict—is what truly damages relationships
• Examples of verbal, physical, and action-based repair rituals
• How to create your own “come back together” moment after tension

This episode is packed with practical, real-life tools for couples who want to stop getting stuck in emotional limbo after arguments. Because the truth is: fighting isn’t the enemy—disconnection is.

If you’ve ever felt unsure how to move forward after a disagreement, this episode will give you clarity, encouragement, and a place to start.

🎧 Next week, we’re talking reframing—a communication skill that can shift the entire tone of your conversations. Don’t miss it!

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.918)
Hey there, everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. I am really glad you're here today because we are talking about something that pretty much every single person can benefit from. I was actually at the dentist a couple of days ago and he asked me, I have a very cool dentist actually. I know that sounds totally weird, but I don't dread going even if I have to have a cavity filled or something like that.

So anyway, we were chit chatting and he asked what I was doing the rest of the day. And I told him that I was working on a podcast episode and it happened to be this one. So apparently he doesn't listen to podcasts, but I told him that if he wants to learn about what to do after an argument, he should definitely give it a try. He should definitely listen to this episode. And then he asked, because he's actually a very funny person, he said, well, did I win the argument?

It's easy if I won the argument. And of course, this had me laughing. But in all reality, that's actually a pretty good question, I think. And so Dr. Troy, if you happen to be listening to today's episode, I am going to briefly talk about that at the end. In all seriousness, you guys, what you do after an argument or a fight really is super important.

And because of this, I wanted to introduce the concept of repair rituals to you. Repair rituals are little things that couples do to reconnect emotionally and to reassure each other that everything's going to be okay after the fight or the argument is over. So it got me thinking about the first time that my husband and I got into an argument when we were dating. We were in a long distance relationship.

And the argument happened over the phone, which for me personally totally sucks because I really pay attention to facial expression and non-verbals. And I think that's a really important part of a conversation, especially an argument. But we didn't have that luxury and we didn't feel like FaceTiming. And so I don't think it even occurred to us. But anyways, we had this argument and it really sucked. But.

Kari Hoskins (02:22.158)
What was interesting was that it really, really affected my husband in a super negative way. Not what we were arguing about. I don't even actually remember what we were arguing about, but just the fact that we were arguing in the first place really, really bothered him. And it kind of took me back a little. was kind of like wondering what, why, I mean, yeah, it sucked, but why is this such a big deal? And I basically just told him, hey, babe, know, arguing isn't...

the end of the world, it's actually quite normal. And if we do it in a healthy way, it's very healthy and beneficial for relationships. But then he shared with me that in past relationships, which I kind of knew, but I think this argument just really brought it to light for me that he said that in past relationships, there was a lot of really toxic arguing and fighting that never got resolved.

And in a nutshell, it created a lot of negativity, resentment, and bad blood between them, which ultimately contributed to breakups and in one case, a divorce. So you guys, what actually leads people to breaking up or getting a divorce isn't just the conflict itself. It's the lack of repair and the lack of care for each other afterwards.

That's why I wanted to talk about this. So think about your relationship. How do you and your significant other approach each other after a fight? Is there more discussion? Is there the silent treatment? Is somebody stomping around the house being all pissy? Are there hugs? Is there humor? Okay. Like I said, what happens after an argument is really important because it affects a lot of things that you don't even realize. It affects how you think about each other.

how you feel about each other, it affects future conflicts, and ultimately, it can affect the actual future of your relationship. So I think of a repair as like a bridge. It connects you back to one another. Repairs are intentional words or actions that tell the other person, still care about you and it's gonna be okay.

Kari Hoskins (04:45.516)
We're still us, it's gonna be okay. It's not about fixing the issue completely. It's about reconnecting emotionally and reassuring each other, okay? And if you don't do this, if you don't try to repair, there's going to be tension. And there tends to be a lot of ruminating and going back over the argument in your head, which isn't usually helpful for a relationship. And that my friends is when resentment.

builds and that's when partners really start to physically and emotionally withdraw from one another and that is not what we want for your relationship. So I thought I would go over with you very quickly three different types of repairs. Okay, the first one is just a verbal repair. A verbal repair is literally just saying something that tells the other person that we're okay.

that I want to stay connected to you. It can be as simple as just saying, hey, I'm really sorry for how that came across or how I came across. You can say something like, geez, that got off track and I really don't want us to stay stuck here. Another example of our verbal repair would be, I hate it when we fight like this. I love you even when I'm mad at you. It doesn't really matter what you say.

All that matters is that you say something if you like verbal repairs. And it really does need to be in your own words. It does need to be something that reflects you and your relationship. So when I'm the one to initiate the repair, I will usually say something like, can I please have a hug? And my husband will always give me a hug. Okay. When my husband is the one that initiates the repair, if it's a verbal repair, he will say something like,

Are you good grumpy pants? my God, you guys, I used to hate it when he called me grumpy pants, but now I love it because I know that this is his way of extending that olive branch, right? So he'll say, are you good grumpy pants? Are we good? Or he'll go, come here grumpy pants and give me a hug. Cause he knows I like hugs, right? So that's like our little way of initiating repair. I was working with a couple.

Kari Hoskins (07:11.85)
a few weeks ago and they started saying, are we good or do we need snacks? Which I think is brilliant. I think it's brilliant because this couple, if you knew them, they love food. They are definitely foodies. It's something that really draws them together and it's a little bit of an inside joke for them. And so that's what they use as their verbal repair. So the second type that you can try would be a physical repair. And sometimes people will prefer some type of

physical touch to reconnect them before they actually say anything. A hug, reaching for the other person's hand, maybe sitting really close together, putting a hand on your leg, you know, after giving some time and some space, okay? So it's anything that is comforting to the other person in a physical way. And then the third type of repair, I couldn't really figure out what to call this, so I'm just calling it an action-based repair.

It would be something like a sticky note on the mirror that says, still love you, making them coffee or tea as a way to say, hey, it's gonna be okay, right? It's just like a gesture. So if you notice, none of these examples are anything like big or flamboyant or dramatic, which is the point. They're small, they're repeatable, like actions or gestures or words.

that just communicate to the other person, let's not stay stuck here. Okay? Now I do suggest that when you are not in a disagreement or you're not upset, to talk to your partner or your spouse about what you both want or need after an argument or a fight. Okay? And if you don't know what that is, then I would suggest spending some time thinking about it. What reassures you? What makes you feel like it's going to be okay? Like tell them.

And then I want you to ask them, hey, what helps you feel close after an argument, after we fight? Okay, for some people it's space and then a conversation. For other people it's words first and then affection. It doesn't really matter. Again, the key is just to be purposeful. It's to be intentional about it. So.

Kari Hoskins (09:33.994)
This stuff does not always come easy. I completely understand that you do not always feel like repairing or accepting the repair. Like when one person reaches out for the hug or one person does a verbal repair, we call that a repair attempt. And if the other person accepts it, then we consider that like a successful repair. I know these are like whatever kind of words, but these are the words we use in the counseling and coaching arena.

Right? So I know that it's not always easy because one of you might want to make up right away and the other one needs time or maybe pride gets in the way. And that might be a reason why one of you might reject the repair attempt or maybe you're afraid of being vulnerable again. Some people don't want to repair because they think that repair is, you know, communicating to the partner that it doesn't matter that whatever happened doesn't matter or that they're giving in.

This isn't true. A repair isn't about surrendering your position. It's not about right and wrong. It's really about choosing the relationship over the argument. Okay? And so here's where Dr. Troy's kind of semi-question comes in. Okay, now, obviously I know he was kidding about the winning or losing thing, but it really is a question that some people might have. And the answer is that it doesn't matter.

who initiates the repair just as long as someone does. Now, to be perfectly honest, it is usually easier for the person who is happy with the end result to initiate the repair. It's also very common for the person who started the argument or started the fight to be the first one to reach out. And then like I just said, if you're satisfied with the end result, it might be easier for you. And...

You know, it can be hard to accept repair if you're still hurting, if you're still unhappy with how it ended, or maybe it hasn't ended at all and everything is just kind of still up in the air. That does make it challenging to accept the repair, but I really want you to consider and I really want to encourage you to do so anyway, because your relationship is going to benefit from it in the long run. So when my husband reaches for the hand, it's usually in the car that

Kari Hoskins (11:57.006)
that that's how he does that. When my husband reaches for my hand and I'm still upset, I hold his hand anyway. I don't have to tell him I'm still mad. He obviously, he knows I'm still mad. I mean, the look on my face or my energy or whatever it is, he, you know, it's pretty clear. It doesn't like just vanish magically into thin air, but I hold his hand anyway because whatever anger or frustration or whatever it is I'm feeling in that moment is not nearly as important as our relationship.

and as how much I love him, right? Like I love him more than the anger that I'm feeling, you know, or whatever it is I'm feeling in that moment. And holding his hand and accepting that repair shows that. And this really does matter in the long run. The more you do this, the more secure and safer your relationship is going to feel. Because what happens is you're building a pattern.

when you argue, when you fight, when you hurt each other, you know that it's going to be okay. You know that you're going to repair. It may not always be right away. It may be a little clunky. In fact, like if you haven't been doing this in your relationship and you just like randomly start, it might feel awkward, but that's okay. Do it anyway. It's going to get easier. And this is what helps build a foundation of trust in your relationship.

Now, sometimes a simple repair ritual like holding your hand or reaching for the hand or saying something is enough to bring you back together. But other times, especially if the argument was super intense or if it's still unresolved, sometimes you need to revisit what happened. And that is like a deeper type of repair. And that is really significant and that matters too. But...

That's a conversation for another day. Right now, I just kind of want to focus on these more simple repairs. So I do want to encourage you to consider creating one or two of your own repair rituals. Use humor, leave a note, say that little thing that opens the door for reconnection. Anything that helps you reconnect is what we're aiming for here.

Kari Hoskins (14:17.55)
If you found this helpful, I would also suggest that you have your spouse or your partner listen to this or watch this if you're watching this on YouTube or TikTok, because it really is helpful if both of you are on the same page. It's helpful to have, you know, common language, I guess, around this kind of stuff. And that way you kind of know what's up. That it's not just random if it's never happened before in your relationship.

So you guys, hope you did find this helpful. And I'd also like to say that next week we're gonna talk about how to use reframes to improve your communication. So please, if you haven't done so yet, subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss out on that. Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today. Have a good one.