Ep 30: 7 Little Phrases That Can Blow Up Your Arguments (And What To Say Instead)

In this episode of Lucky in Love, I'm counting down the 7 little phrases that can blow up your arguments—and what to say instead. 

These may seem small in the moment, but they either escalate conflict or chip away at your connection in ways that stick long after the fight is over. I’m sharing why each phrase is so damaging, the deeper emotions that often drive them, and—most importantly—simple alternatives you can use to keep your conversations from blowing up.

If you’ve ever walked away from a fight thinking, “That didn't go well,” this episode is for you.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:01.128)

Hey everyone, welcome to Lucky in Love. My name is Keri Hoskins. I'm a communication coach for couples who are struggling and I started this podcast as a way to introduce you to concepts and tools that you can start using right away in your relationship to help you just enjoy your relationships more. And for a lot of you, it might help you make better relationship decisions. So let's get started.

Today, we are counting down these seven worst things that you can say in an argument with your significant other. I just love a good countdown. So I thought that this would be kind of a fun, lighthearted episode. But with that said, these phrases probably will seem small or insignificant, but the truth is they can either escalate the disagreement pretty much needlessly

or they will chip away at your partner because these seven phrases are often said in a dismissive or a demeaning way. And what this does is this creates resentment and it also makes it really challenging to find middle ground and to resolve the argument. And I think this is really important because over time, this affects how you feel about each other, which in turn,

affects every aspect of your relationship. And if you're not careful, it can put your relationship or your marriage at risk. And that is not something that I want for you. So I really wanted to walk you through these and just kind of show you that the way that you handle disagreements doesn't just affect the conversation, it affects your entire relationship. Okay? So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to just

tell you what the phrase is, and then briefly tell you why I think that it's harmful or destructive for your relationship. And then I'm gonna give you a better way to say it. Something that really kind of keeps the conversation moving forward instead of blowing it up or shutting it down. Okay, are you ready? I'm ready, here we go. Number seven, this is an all time fave. Whatever, I don't care, do what you want.

Kari Hoskins (02:25.454)

I think we have all either said this at some point or been on the receiving end of this phrase. Here is the truth. Most of the time when we say this, we actually do care and we care a lot. And your tone of voice definitely makes this pretty obvious to your significant other. Whatever, fine, do what you want is harmful for a couple of reasons. First of all, it's usually used as a sort of

test if you will. Okay? You toss it out, fine, do whatever you want. But if your partner actually does go ahead and do that thing that they want to do, you're going to be pissed off. You're going to be upset. And you're going to make it mean that they don't care about you or your feelings or your relationship. And this creates a no-win situation for both of you. The second reason why I think it's harmful is because it signals disengagement. Now you guys,

You're doing this as a way to protect yourself, right? Whatever the issue is, it feels upsetting and shutting down the conversation with find whatever, what you want is a way to protect your emotions. Okay? But what this does is it leaves your partner to make the decision alone, not as a team. And this creates distance and resentment on both sides. So instead, what I want you to do, at least try doing,

is to own how you're feeling. You can say, look, I'm feeling really upset right now, or very frustrated, or this, whatever it is, makes me feel anxious, okay? I don't know what the best solution is, but I would like to figure it out together. So you wanna own what you're feeling and then let them know that you want to come up with the solution together. All right, number six. If you loved me, you would or wouldn't.

right, whatever the situation calls for. Personally, I think that this is a form of emotional manipulation because it puts them like in a corner by attaching their love for you to a specific behavior. So some examples of this would be, if you love me, you'd go to this party with me. If you loved me, you wouldn't need me to explain why I'm upset. If you love me,

Kari Hoskins (04:50.827)

you wouldn't have to ask, okay? So when you say any version of if you love me, you would or wouldn't, it's almost always about you seeking reassurance, okay? Wanting proof that your partner cares about you. But what that does is it's set in a way that creates pressure for them, creates defensiveness, and eventually resentment. So instead, I suggest that you just tell them what's going on with you, what you're worried about.

or what you want, like whatever this situation is. So instead of, if you'd love me, you go to this party with me, I would suggest saying something like, it would mean a lot to me if you came to the Christmas party next week. I know it's not your favorite thing, but it would really mean a lot. Everyone else has their spouses going with them. And I really don't want to be the only one without a significant other. Okay, so you just tell them what you want and why it's important to you. They may not go.

but at least you've had the conversation in a way that is not harmful for your relationship.

Let's see, number five. Ready? This is a weird one. You probably, this isn't even probably on your radar. That's not what happened, right? So why I'm categorizing, excuse me, this is being one of the worst things to say in an argument is because this is tricky. It feels like you're clearing the air or setting the record straight. But what you're actually doing is you are denying your partner's experience

reality and that sparks defensiveness. Okay the truth is you and your partner remember things differently. You notice different details than them. You pay attention to what matters to you. They pay attention to what matters to them and you both interpret situations, events, and words through your own lens and that lens is your past experiences, your current stress level, maybe your value system. Okay and

Kari Hoskins (06:54.953)

All of those things color how you see and recall a specific moment, right? So when you say that's not what happened, what that does is that shuts the door on your partner's perspective instead of making room for both of your perspectives. So better ways to say this, I have a couple of suggestions. We're remembering it differently, or I just see it differently than you do, or that's not how I saw it, okay?

The key here though is to say that, but then you also want to listen to their perspective to try to understand how they saw it and where they're coming from. Number four, you're impossible to talk to. This one stings because it is a label, okay? And labeling your partner is literally one of the fastest ways to shut down communication, openness, and vulnerability.

And also you guys, when you call your partner impossible, you're not addressing the problem, you are attacking them personally, like it's a character attack. Basically you're saying you're the problem, which instantly creates defensiveness and distance. Now, okay, I totally get this. I understand that in the moment, it probably does feel really hard to talk to them, but by putting blame squarely on their shoulders,

It shuts everything down and it does not move the conversation forward. So instead, I suggest that you take ownership of what you're experiencing, okay? So you can try something like, I'm finding it hard to talk about this right now. Can we please take a break and come back later? Okay? So you're not labeling them as impossible. You're simply expressing that you're finding it challenging to have a conversation about this, okay? And this shifts the focus from blaming your partner

to using I statements and sharing your experience, which will help bring down the intensity of the conversation. The third worst thing that you can say in an argument with your partner or your spouse, you're being ridiculous. I had to include this one because this one's personal for me. When I hear this, my first instinct is to draw and pull back, okay?

Kari Hoskins (09:16.013)

Telling your partner that they're being ridiculous is quite frankly belittling. It minimizes what they're feeling and it makes their emotions seem silly or invalid. And when your partner feels demeaned, they will likely either withdraw from you or not feel like they can trust telling you things. They won't feel safe expressing how they feel about things or they might just flip out on you. It's usually a toss up there, okay?

So instead you want to try to stay curious instead of dismissive. You can say something like, I'm having a hard time understanding why this feels like this to you. And then you have them explain it to you, okay? So this one very small shift shows that you're valuing their feelings even if you don't share them or you don't understand them. Number two, you always or you never.

Unfortunately, I have been known to say this a time or two. Honestly, I try really, really hard not to, but when I get frustrated, this is kind of my go-to phrase. And it's really, really easy to throw absolutes. The problem is absolutes, like always and never, instantly put your partner on the defensive. And let's be honest, you guys, no one always does something or never does something.

So when you exaggerate like that, your partner's first reaction is to argue the exception instead of listening to how you feel, listening to what it is you're trying to tell them. Okay. So what you can do instead is you want to say something a little bit more grounded. Like I've noticed this has happened a few times and it's been hard for me. Can we talk about this? So this shifts the focus away from blame and toward

problem solving. Okay. You're naming the pattern without over exaggerating it, which makes it a lot easier for your partner to hear it and for you guys to resolve the problem or the issue. And the number one, and by the way, my husband and I, since he helped me figure out the order of these, we both agree this was number one. The number one worst thing that you can say during an argument. Ready? You're just like your

Kari Hoskins (11:42.478)

fill in the blank. Usually it's you're just like your mother or you're just like your father. Okay. This one, you guys is a low blow. It is personal and it's irrelevant character attack because you always choose the person whose qualities you don't like to compare them to. Right. And it's not said in a loving way. This is said in a derogatory way. And once it's out there, you cannot take this back. Okay.

and this shifts the focus away from the current conflict and it turns it into an attack on them personally, on their identity, on their family, and this creates resentment and defensiveness and maybe even shame depending on who you're comparing them to. Okay? So I'm going to give you things to say instead. Okay? So instead of you're just like your father, always knowing that the kids, you can say something like,

When the kids get yelled at, I worry about the impact that it's having on their self-esteem. Okay, that just tiny shift is going to make the conversation go a lot smoother. Here's another example. You're just like your mother, never letting me get a word in edgewise. low blow. Instead, you can say, I'm feeling talked over right now and I really want a chance to share my perspective. Right? You don't need to bring in mom and dad. So just,

Use I statements, tell them how you're feeling, what you're observing and what you would like to have done. So addressing the specific issue in that moment without dragging them in and without bringing up childhood patterns is going to really help you stand track. It keeps you in the present. It keeps the conversation specific and you're going to have a much better chance at being heard with less defensiveness. Okay.

So those were the seven. I wanna quickly recap just to refresh your memories. In the heat of the argument, here are the seven worst things you can say, the things that I want you to avoid. Whatever, I don't care, do what you want. If you loved me, you would or wouldn't. That's not what happened. You're impossible to talk to. You're being ridiculous. You always or you never. And last but not least, you're just like your mother.

Kari Hoskins (14:09.877)

or you're just like your father, right? So I encourage you to write these phrases down or at least write down the ones that you most frequently say and then write down alternative ways to say it so that you can practice. So next time you are in a heated conversation or a disagreement or an argument, it'll come to your mind a lot easier, okay? And listen, you guys, if you and your partner are stuck

in like dysfunctional argument patterns that feel exhausting, I can help you. To book a free consult, all you need to do is visit kahoskins.com and just click the free consultation call and it'd be more than happy to jump on a call with you, hear what's going on and maybe share a little bit about my perspective and how I can help you. Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I'll talk to you next week.

https://www.karihoskinscoaching.com