Episode 32: More Date Nights Won't Save Your Marriage-- Here's Why...

I’m sure you’ve heard it: “You two just need more date nights.” It’s well-intentioned advice, but when a marriage or relationship is struggling, it can actually make things worse.

In this episode of Lucky in Love, I’m breaking down why more dinners out and weekend getaways won’t fix what’s really going on underneath—and what to do instead. Because the truth is, the problem usually isn’t how much time you spend together; it’s how you’re showing up when you’re together.

I explain three ways date nights can backfire when a relationship is on shaky ground and walk you through what can actually help you start turning things around.  

Whether you’re in a rough season yourself or want to support a friend who is, this episode offers a compassionate reminder: you can’t pour romance over unresolved conflict and expect it to stick. But with small, intentional changes, you can start rebuilding the connection that makes those date nights meaningful again.

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Chapters

• 0:24 Why More Date Nights Won't Fix Relationships

Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:01)

Hi there, welcome to the Lucky in Love podcast. My name is Keri Hoskins and I'm a communication coach for couples who are struggling. If you are looking for helpful insights and tools that can help your relationship or you are seeking out information so you can make better relationship decisions, then this is definitely the right podcast for you. So let's get started. Okay, my friends, today we are going to be talking about why more date nights

will not fix your marriage or your relationship. This happens to be one of the most common pieces of advice that people get when things are not going well. And before I jump in, I do want to point out that even if you are doing well, you can still get value from this episode for a couple of reasons. Number one, most long-term relationships do go through a time period where they're not doing so great. And

This is a really great way for you to kind of front load information and reflect back on it when you happen to go through that time. Second reason is you probably have family or friends that are in relationships and one day they might be struggling and they may ask you for advice. And again, I hope that you're able to reflect on today's episode to help them. But if you are struggling,

you have likely been given that advice yourself. Just go on more date nights. Trust me, whoever told you this, your family member, your friend, your best friend, a coworker, is probably very well-intentioned. But I want to tell you why I think that it's sometimes misadvice.

All right. So I guess like the basic reason for me is because the problem usually isn't the lack of time that you're spending together. The problem is usually how you're interacting, how you're engaging, how you're talking to each other and behaving with each other when you are with each other, when you are in each other's presence. And when your relationship has taken a bad turn, date nights, again, in my opinion,

can make things worse. So if your relationship, like I just said, is not going so great right now and you're trying to muster the desire to even go out on a date night, or if you have been going out on them and things just are not changing, then I really hope that today's conversation will give you just a different way to think about it. Okay, so let's jump in. One of the first reasons why I think that more date nights can be misleading advice.

is because when you are in a rocky place, it can really highlight the disconnection that you're already feeling. It kind of like throws it in your face, right? When you're already feeling distant, sitting next to you or across from your significant other in a romantic setting in like, know, air quotes can actually make that gap feel a lot wider, right? So think about it. You're sitting across from this person

who feels more like a stranger than like your spouse or feels more like a stranger than like your partner. And you're trying to make small talk. You're trying to avoid those landmine topics in your relationship. You're trying to steer the conversation clear of anything that can trigger something going sideways. You're trying to pretend like everything's okay when either you know it's not or you both though, that it's not okay.

And what that does is that just magnifies how unhappy you are. And it can also add to your feelings of loneliness and discontentedness. I have to tell you, because I have personally experienced this, feeling lonely in a marriage is like the loneliness feeling in the world. Because that contrast,

between how you used to feel, how you want to feel, and how you actually feel just gets like magnified and it's a reminder of how far apart you've actually drifted. The second reason why is because it can create a lot of pressure. So when you are struggling, a date night often comes with unspoken expectations, You're supposed to have fun.

You're supposed to reconnect. It's supposed to fix things. This is gonna prove ⁓ that we're still okay. Or maybe this is gonna reignite that spark that was lost. But that creates pressure. And pressure ⁓ feels terrible and it makes things really, really awkward and it kills authenticity. And what I see happening is people are trying to force that closeness. But the more you try to force closeness, the more forced it feels, which...

never works out. And the last reason why I think that this is kind of ill advice is because when you're struggling there is repair work that needs to be done in your relationship. And this advice just kind of glosses over that or may just completely skip over that repair work. And it can potentially just add on more to the layers of what's already going on and it can add to the stress in your relationship. You guys, you cannot

poor romance on top of unresolved conflict, unresolved issues, and expect it to work, expect it to stick. That is not how relationships work. If you have not talked through the resentment, the hurt, the emotional walls that have been built up, that date night, if you're lucky, is just going to become a temporary distraction. When you are in a bad place, there are often

unspoken hurts and I'm sure if you're if you like are resonating with this right now, you can list them in your head, right? There are unspoken hurts. There's a lack of open and vulnerable communication. There's discontent. There's a lack of teamwork of partnership. Like you know that whole us against the world vibe that you have when you're like in a new relationship or after you're just first newly married that vibe is likely gone. and this

This is what follows you into that date. So in a nutshell, that is why I believe that more date nights will not fix or save your marriage. So I'm not gonna leave you hanging. What do I suggest that you do? Well, you need to actually start doing that repair work, which I recognize is way easier said than done. So I wanna give you just a couple of ways to start.

The first thing you need to do is you need to start talking about what's really going on, not at the surface level. Don't talk about the dishes, the budget, the schedule, But the feelings that are happening underneath your relationship. Talk about the disappointment, the hurt, the anxiety, the fear, the loneliness, whatever it is that you're experiencing.

Those are the feelings that keep couples trapped in disconnection. And I have to say this, that is not great date night conversation. These are the conversations that you need to be having in the privacy of your home or your car or hotel room, something, right? Away from little ears or even big ears that could possibly be listening. I also suggest that

If you are struggling to have these conversations, which you probably are, then find a good relationship coach or find a good therapist that can help guide you through this. The second piece of advice I have is to take ownership of your part. It is so easy, my friends, to really focus on what your partner is doing wrong. It's easy to point fingers. It's easy to tally up who's doing more, but...

Change will not start to happen until you take ownership to yourself. And this is key to your partner about the role that you've played in where your relationship is, about the role that you're playing in the dynamic that the two of you have created. Until you can do that, like shift from external focus to internal focus, nothing's going to change. So definitely take this one to heart.

My third piece of advice is to actively look for the small good stuff. something amazing happens when you start noticing those small positive things that you still appreciate about your husband or your wife or your partner. The more you can focus and actively look for what's working, what are some of the good things that are still happening, the softer and more open you're going to feel. And then that's just going to have

a positive ripple effect on the way your entire relationship feels. And the last piece of advice I have is to be patient and rebuild safety in your relationship before trying to rekindle the romance. my gosh, you guys, every single time I start, or I shouldn't say every single time, nine times out of 10, when I start working with a new person or a new couple on their relationship, there is almost

always one partner who is really craving more affection, more intimacy, and I'm just gonna put it frankly, more sex, okay? But just like a date night, trying to get this aspect of your relationship back before you've done the work to create emotional connection and emotional safety in your relationship ⁓ just really feels like pressure and it feels awkward. And there's usually one partner pushing, like wanting it,

And the other partner is like, like arms, keeping the other one at arms length, right? Pushing the other one away because they don't want it. They're not ready yet. And so it just really creates a whole nother layer of hurt in the dynamic, right? Fun, meaningful sex, affection, physical intimacy, all that yum and good stuff about relationships ⁓ is really challenging if there's not an emotional connection.

So in addition to dealing with your issues and doing those other things that I just talked about, I would also suggest really trying to shift your daily dynamic. Intentionally be kind to each other. Listen without defensiveness. And again, of course,

deal with your issues, all right? So if you can work on rebuilding your emotional connection, what will happen is that physical affection, the fun, the sex will naturally start to come back in your relationship, all right? Now in the beginning, you might feel like you're the one doing most of the heavy lifting. I'm saying you because you're the one that's either watching or listening to this podcast, so clearly you're interested in relationships.

And I think that this is probably one of the more frustrating things that I hear from people is they're putting in the work and they feel like their partner isn't. But I wanna just say keep going, because it takes one person to get the ball rolling. It takes one person to do the heavy lifting in order to start changing things around, okay? So start small. One honest conversation, one moment of ownership, one word of appreciation.

That's how you start to rebuild trust and warmth in your relationship. Okay, so I kind of feel like that was a lot, but what I want to say is, as we end, if this sounds overwhelming, ⁓ maybe this feels just like absolutely impossible. I would love to help you. All you have to do is visit my website, kahoskins.com, and there's a very clear button there that says ⁓ free 30-minute consultation call. Click that.

and we will have a conversation where we talk about what's really going on in your relationship and what you really want and how we can start changing it and what we can do. Okay my friends, I hope that you found this helpful and you have a great week. See you next time.