Episode 36: Why You Pick Fights You Don't Really Want

Have you ever led with sarcasm instead of just saying what you wanted or needed? 

Started a fight you didn’t really want by asking a question you already knew the answer to— just to prove a point?

Or began the conversation with a “joke” that wasn’t really a joke - or if your significant other does— this episode of Lucky In Love is for you. 

I’m breaking down why we pick fights we don’t actually want—and what those “random” arguments are really doing for us. 

And, I’m teaching you how to stop. 

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00)
Hey there everyone. Welcome to Lucky in Love. I am so glad that you decided to join me today. All right, I'm going to jump straight into today's episode. I think it is so much fun. We're going to be talking about why you pick fights that you don't actually want. So I of course had to reflect on this and I was thinking about the last time I did this was about a year ago. My husband and I, it was in the morning, we were standing in the kitchen, drinking our coffee, having a

perfectly lovely conversation about what the day held and my husband's phone pings. So he picks it up and he looks at it and I know immediately, like instantly who it is just from the look on his face. So I'm just standing there patiently waiting, just watching all of these micro expressions cross his face as he's reading the message and then responding to the message. Puts his phone down. I'm like, who is that? Who is it? What's going on?

Like I waited as long as I could. I lasted about 60 seconds, right? So he tells me who it was and sure enough, I was right. It was this person. And I'm like, okay, well, like what did they say? And he hates to read text messages out loud. So he just hands me his phone and I read the message and then I read his response. Now it's his response that pisses me off. Okay. So instead of having just a normal conversation about it, what do I do?

I hand him the phone and I blurt out some completely unnecessary, sarcastic, passive aggressive comment that instantly starts an argument. Okay. And in the back of my mind, I'm like, why did I just do that? Why did I just start this fight? I do not want to have this fight. So a little bit of backstory. This is something that I personally have been working on for a while, pretty much our entire relationship.

is how ⁓ these two interact with each other. Because I would like him to interact and say things differently than he would like. But I've really tried hard to let that go. And honestly, I thought that I was there. Clearly, I wasn't because all of my self-coaching, like I said, completely went out the window. Now, just so you guys know, this is a perfect example of why I think everyone should have a coach. A couple of days later, I went ahead and jumped on a coaching call with my coach.

And we were able to really get underneath it and resolve it for me in about 40 to 45 minutes. So that is money well spent, my friends, because now I'm very confident that next time this happens, and it has happened since then, I will not be starting an argument over it, especially an argument that I don't want to have. All right. So can any of you guys relate to this? Have you ever led with sarcasm instead of just saying what was on your mind, instead of just saying what it was you want or you need?

Have you ever started a conversation with a joke in air quotes that really isn't a joke and you know it? Have you ever started a fight by asking a question that you already knew the answer to just to prove a point? Okay. Now, if you or your significant other does this, I want to help you figure out why you're doing it. And then I want to help you figure out how to stop. So that's what we're going to do next. We're going to figure out why you're doing this. So.

There's several different reasons why people might start arguments that they don't actually want. The first one could be that you're avoiding having the real conversation, all right? So this can happen for a few reasons. Typically, it's because there's an issue or circumstance that you don't want to bring up because ironically, you don't want to fight about it. And so to avoid a fight in your mind, you're like, I'm just not going to deal with it at all. Okay, so that is like super, super common.

Or sometimes you're avoiding the real conversation because you don't know how to bring it up. Maybe you've tried to convince yourself that you're okay with whatever this thing is. Or maybe you don't want to have the real conversation because you've already talked about it and you're not able to resolve it on your own. And so you just like brush it under the rug. But then what happens is this issue comes back again because they always do. And boom, all of your emotions just rush to the surface and you lead with some messed up

sideways comment that launches you into an argument. Reason number two of why we do this. Is there something that you need, but you don't recognize it yet. Okay. Until something is like triggered inside of you. So this is how a lot of random fights are started, you guys. So you might be looking for validation, reassurance, attention, connection, but you don't even know it. You don't even know it yet. Something triggers it.

And then you lead with that joke or that passive aggressive comment or that ⁓ question that traps the other person. OK, so I was working with ⁓ one of my clients on this thing on this very thing, actually, a couple of weeks ago. She starts arguments with her boyfriend over dumb stuff. OK, and I'm not the one calling it dumb. She calls it dumb. So I feel like it's OK that I say that. And she told me, I know what I'm doing when I start it. ⁓

I don't know why I'm starting these because I don't actually want to fight. Okay. So we dug in and what we realized were two things. First, she would pick a fight when she was feeling insecure about the relationship and she wanted confirmation that she matters. She wants confirmation that he's actually listening to her, that he cares about her. And the second thing we discovered is that she was using unnecessary conflict as a way to test him and test his love for her.

and test the relationship. Another ⁓ example of a subconscious need that you might have would be the need for connection and communication. So sometimes people will pick fights when they have a partner who is really, really quiet or emotionally shut down. I worked with another couple where the husband felt super alone in his marriage and he wanted more emotional connection, but his wife

really struggled with vulnerability and worked really hard at avoiding hard conversations. And so he really felt like the only way to have a connection and get her to talk was to piss her off and start an argument. Even though that's not what he, like he didn't want to argue with her. He just wanted to talk with her, but that's how he went about doing it. Reason number three is that you're self-sabotaging.

This is actually, this could actually be a whole separate standalone ⁓ podcast episode. So it's kind of complex. So I'm just gonna give you like skim surface level stuff here. right. If you're someone who's afraid of being too happy and you know who you are, ⁓ those of you that don't get it, you won't get it. What's that phrase? If you know, you know, right? So if you're someone who's afraid of being too happy, like something bad.

is going to happen. If you're too happy, you might be doing this. Okay, this might be your reason. ⁓ Or if somewhere under the surface, you're thinking, well, this is too good to be true. This isn't going to last. Something as bad as coming. You might start the fight to self-salvatage, right? Because what you're doing when you're starting that fight is you are creating that bad thing. You make that bad thing happen and come to fruition. And the reason why is because it feels safer.

than the uncertainty of waiting for the bad thing to happen. So, unfortunately, I used to do this a bit in my first marriage. ⁓ We have a daughter with special needs and the amount of worry and pressure and stress was overwhelming. It was overwhelming to her dad and it was overwhelming to me. We were very young and we did not know how to deal with the pressure and the stress and the worry.

So anytime my mother-in-law would offer ⁓ to take the kids for a few days, we would just like jump on it. Cause we knew we needed the break. We really coveted that break. But almost without fail, we would have a great weekend. And then the last day, ⁓ like that last day of our getaway, I would like wake up in the morning. I remember this so distinctly. I'd wake up in the morning, know that it was the day that we're leaving. And just like this low level dread would creep back in. Okay.

and I started just like thinking about what was waiting for us on the other side, what was waiting for us once we got home. And ⁓ frankly, I was bracing myself for that emotional shift back to reality. And that's when I would start the fight. Okay. It took me years of therapy to realize why I was doing it, but I was definitely doing it as a way to self-sabotage. Reason number four.

is you might be trying to influence or control a decision. Okay? So you guys, this one is so huge because so many people do it and we do it because it works. However, it is really bad for your relationship. So what this means, you argue about the wrong decision preemptively. Like before the decision's even been made, maybe before you've even started the conversation, you start the argument.

Okay, it's like you're trying to like preemptively scare them away from making the choice that you don't want them to make. Have you ever done that? I know people in my life, I've watched it. I've watched people in my life do this, okay? So for example, your wife says something like, hey, the girls, we're all getting together next week for happy hour after work. And before anything else comes out of her mouth,

you jump down her throat with really again, didn't you just do that last week? What about me? You you just keep bailing on me. What am I supposed to do? Okay. You haven't even had the conversation. You don't even know if she's planning on going or not. Okay. Or if she wants to go or not, or your significant other says, Hey, my boss pulled me into her office and she really wants me to take on this new account, but that means I'm going to have to travel more. Right. And

instead of having that grown-up conversation about the pros and cons of taking this new account, you jump in and start the pre-fight. So what, you're just going to abandon this family? Instead of saying, hey, I have some apprehension about this, right, and having a grown-up conversation, you throw that out there, okay? So you're starting an argument as a way to pressure them into making the choice that you want them to make. And like I said,

This does work. This is why people do it and this is why people continue to do it. But over time, you guys, it teaches you that big decisions come with a lot of emotional consequences, okay? And it literally will turn your relationship into a pressure cooker instead of a partnership. And, and this is what people don't realize, is that when you consistently do this, it teaches your partner that you're not safe. You're not a safe person to have a conversation with.

And so that's when they will start keeping things to themselves, making decisions without you, and that creates a whole host of other problems down the road for you. Reason number five is because picking the fight is what you know. Okay. So if you were brought up in a household where there was a lot of tension or where it was common, like for people to have emotional,

outbursts or meltdowns, if there was sarcasm and criticism and eye rolling and defensiveness and shitty tone of voice, right? If that's normal for you, then you carry that into your adulthood and into your adult relationships because communication is a skill that is learned at home. Listening is a skill that is learned. Emotional regulation is a skill that is learned. And if you're not learning those skills at home, you're not able to use them

in your relationships now. Right? So we repeat what we observe. We repeat what we learn. Reason number six is anger feels safer to you than vulnerability. So for a lot of people, anger feels powerful and vulnerability feels exposed. And most of us would rather feel powerful than exposed. Right? So instead of saying

what you actually are feeling, you come out swinging with that sarcastic comment or that personal jab. Okay? So let me give you some examples. Instead of being vulnerable and saying, Hey, I miss you. I'd really like your attention. There's something I'd like to talk to you about. Instead, it turns into you're always on the goddamn phone. Why are you always on your phone? I don't understand why you don't want to have a conversation with me. Well, I know. Look at that total voice, right?

⁓ Instead of leaning into vulnerability and saying, hey, I'm overwhelmed and I need some help around the house, you come at your partner with, well, it must be nice, you know, sit around all day playing your video game while I do all the work. Instead of exposing yourself and saying, I'm afraid you're not attracted to me anymore. You say, well, okay, of course you're tired. You're always tired. You never want to have sex anymore. Right?

So if this is a pattern for you, I really suggest figuring out why you're continuing to do this, okay? Because it's going to help you do the things that I'm about to tell you to do to help you stop, okay? So I wanna talk to you about what to do in the moment. That moment when you feel the urge to say that thing that you know is going to start the fight, okay? So here's what you're gonna do. When you feel the urge to say that thing,

make the comment, use the tone of voice, roll your eyes, whatever it is you do to start the fight. I want you to pause and take a really deep breath in through your nose and you want to exhale it out of your mouth. And while you're doing that, I want you to consider three questions. What's really bothering or irritating me? What is it that I actually want? And what can I say instead of starting a fight? And then I want you to say that thing, whatever it is that you can say instead of starting a fight. Okay.

So I know, I know you guys, this is so hard. Obviously it's hard. I just did this a year ago standing in my kitchen. Okay. So let me give you some examples. Instead of you're always on the phone, you never pay attention to me. You can try something a little softer like, Hey, can you put your phone down for a couple of minutes or something I want to share with you? Right. Instead of saying something like, well, like I said earlier, wow, okay. You're always tired. You never want to have sex anymore.

You say that thing, you say, look, I'm feeling really hurt right now and I'm afraid, I'm afraid you're not attracted to me anymore. Right. You want to say what's really bothering you and you want to try to do it in as gentle way as possible so that you can't gentle and direct. Okay. Those two things can go together, but you want to do this so you can have a good, productive conversation and not completely blow up your day. Right. Now look,

I think that for a lot of us, this takes a lot of practice. And so next time you try this, if it messes up and that thing comes just like flying out of your mouth that you don't want to come out, but it did, you can't really take it back. But this is what I would suggest that you do instead. Or instead of continuing down that path, I should say, I suggest that you say something like, hold on a second. Let me say that again. That is not what I meant. Or you can say something like,

that came out a lot sharper than I had intended. Okay. Now my husband and I, we call these do-overs. So if one of us ⁓ says something like that, you know, says something that starts the fight, we'll go, wait, my bad. Can I have a do-over please? And we'll usually graciously accept the do-over. All right. So again, if you notice that this is a pattern, I would really like to encourage you to reflect on this over the next couple of days. Okay.

understanding why you or your significant other picks fights that you don't really want is the first step and a very big part of changing this pattern if you want to. So quickly to recap, sometimes you pick fights because you're avoiding a real conversation or you have a subconscious need that you're trying to get met. Maybe you're self-sabotaging. Maybe you're trying to control your partner's decision. Maybe you're repeating what you grew up with, like what you know.

Or it could be that anger feels ⁓ safer to you than vulnerability. Okay. So it's really important you guys that you recognize you are not picking fights because something is wrong with you. You actually quite normal. Okay. You're picking fights because of one of these reasons. And so when you can identify that reason and then follow the steps and then work through those and follow the steps that I've given you, it should really help your relationship. And

I do think this is a great time to invite you to go download my free PDF ⁓ guide called Stop the Spiral, How to Talk to Your Partner When You're Angry. So this is something that I teach my clients and I went ahead and created like a little guide for you. And you can download that at kahoskins.com. It's helped a lot of them. And I'm really hoping that it will help you too as well. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today.

If you recognize that this is a pattern and you think that you might want help handling it, dealing with it, learning how to overcome it, please visit kahoskins.com and book yourself a free consult with me. Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I will talk to you next week.