Episode 37: How To Stop Having Rehashing Conversations With Your Anxious Partner

Is your partner a chronic worrier or do they struggle with anxiety? 

In this episode of 'Lucky in Love', we discusses the often overlooked impact of anxiety on relationships. I emphasize that anxiety affects not only the individual but also their partner, leading to exhaustion and frustration. Through real-life examples, I explains the withdrawal-pursuit cycle that can develop in anxious relationships and offers practical strategies such as implementing a 'worry window' to manage anxiety. 

I also highlight the importance of effective communication and setting boundaries to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.

Takeaways

Anxiety affects both partners in a relationship.

Chronic worrying can lead to exhaustion for both individuals.

The withdrawal-pursuit cycle creates disconnection in relationships.

Implementing a worry window can help manage anxiety.

Effective communication is key to resolving anxiety-related issues.

Setting boundaries is essential to prevent burnout.

Reassurance is crucial for the anxious partner.

Partners should not be each other's therapists.

Naming the worry helps in addressing it effectively.

Seeking external support can strengthen the relationship.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.59)
Hey there, everyone. Welcome back to the show. I'm so glad that you are with me today. So you guys, in 2026, I am working so hard to grow my audience. But unfortunately, this is not something that I can do completely on my own. I actually need your help. So if you could take just like one quick second and click that like button and the subscribe button, that would be fantastic. Also,

If you happen to be listening to this on Apple Podcasts, there is a place for you to leave a review. you scroll to the bottom, it's right there. Just take like 90 seconds and leave a comment or a review. That would help me out so much and I would greatly appreciate it. Okay, so let's go ahead and get into today's topic. So I happen to think that anxiety is one of the least talked about things that creates

tension or is creating tension in many of your long-term relationships. Typically, when you hear people talk about this topic like anxiety or chronic worrying, they're talking about it from the perspective of the worrier or the anxious person. But the truth is anxiety does not just affect the person who has it, it affects the entire relationship. When one partner is anxious, whether

it's diagnosed or not, whether it's an actual anxiety disorder or just a habit of chronic worrying, the other partner feels it too. You feel it in the urgency, the looping conversations, the constant need for reassurance. And for a lot of you, it shows up as having the same conversation over and over and over again. And if you're the non-anxious partner in the relationship, that can really burn you out.

because this is tiring for everyone, not just the person that's worried or anxious. So I do want to share with you a story about a couple that I'm working with. And you guys, one of the reasons why I've started sharing more client stories with permission, of course, is because I think that real life examples is really what makes this stuff click and stick. It's one thing to talk about patterns like

Kari Hoskins (02:18.038)
I don't know, theoretically or abstractly, it's something entirely different to hear what it looks like and sounds like in actual relationships. And so that's why I'm continuing to share these stories. So this couple kind of surprised me with one of their answers on the short intake form that I use before my consult calls. Actually, it was the wife that filled it out. My guess is that if the husband had filled it out, his answer would have been different. But I asked on that form,

in few sentences describe the reason you're seeking coaching. Now, most people write something very specific. My husband has anger issues and I'm sick and tired of it. Or we feel like roommates and not like partners. There was an affair and we're trying to figure out what to do from here, where to go from here or whatever, right? Like very specific. She wrote something feels off in our relationship. Okay, so that's vague, but

It's also telling because off usually means that there's an uncomfortable pattern that they're feeling, but they don't have a name for it. They don't know what to call it. So they don't really, they can't even like really describe it. Okay. So that was interesting to me. And once we started working together, that pattern showed up pretty quickly. So what was happening is she tends to get stuck in a rehash loop and usually without

like resolution, meaning she engages her husband in the same conversation over and over again, especially when her anxiety or her worry about a certain issue or topic hasn't gone away yet. And this is a coping mechanism that she's been using for most of her life, which you guys is pretty common for people who struggle with chronic worrying or anxiety. But it's creating distance in their marriage because it's triggered

this dance of like withdrawal and pursuit right between her and her husband. So today what we're going to do is we're going to specifically talk about how to stop rehashing the same conversation with a worried or anxious partner. Okay. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to share with you why these conversation loops or rehashing happens in the first place, how it triggers the withdrawal pursuit cycle.

Kari Hoskins (04:43.285)
and what both of you can do to interrupt it, like interrupt this pattern without shaming, stonewalling, or spiraling. Okay, so that's what we're gonna do today. So these conversations, the rehashing conversations, usually starts with a worry loop, also called a thought loop. And this happens when your brain latches on to one concern or worry, and it just like keeps...

playing it over and over again on repeat in your mind. So you get one worry and then your mind starts spitting out a whole bunch of like what if scenarios. And honestly, like those what if scenarios are always like, what if this bad thing happens? What if that bad thing happens? Very rarely is it, what if this amazing thing happens? It's always like some dire what if. And because you don't have clear answers, the uncertainty builds up.

So you circle back and you run that scenario over again and you run all of those what-ifs all over again Looking for certainty that you never find and the whole thing just picks up speed and at that point You're not solving anything. You're just looping right? So I like to think about it kind of like your thoughts are stuck on a racetrack You're going around and around around it's getting faster and louder and there's no way to get off the track There's no way to exit. Okay

And here's where the relationship part comes in. Most people can't keep that loop to themselves. They can't keep it trapped in their own minds. They need to get it out. And so eventually it comes out of their mouth in the form of a conversation or the 50th conversation that started with this worry loop. Okay. And so this becomes a conversation loop. And, I think like even added on top of that,

It's not even that it's just a conversation loop, meaning you're talking about the same thing over and over again. You then have that same looping conversation again and again and again. Okay, so they kind of get stacked up. So what I want to acknowledge here is the experience that the person on the other side of the loop is having, right? Loving someone, wanting to help, wanting to help them feel better, but then feeling just completely tapped out, okay?

Kari Hoskins (07:06.925)
And so in order to kind of help you understand what it's like, the husband gave me permission to share what he told me. Okay. Now, honestly, I always record a rough draft of my podcasts. And when I listen to this, sounds so weird, having it in a quote form, but I don't know another way to do it. So here we go. Okay. So this is what he shared with me. He's like, okay, I'm exhausted. He said, we rehashed the same thing over and over again, and I don't know how to make it better.

I tried to say the right thing, but it never seems to calm her down. Now every other conversation we have turns into a fight because I'm tired. We end up arguing, I shut down, I walk away, and honestly, I love her, but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can do this. Okay, now he didn't say it exactly like that. Like those were the pieces that came out during our session. But boy, when you put all those pieces together, that's quite a statement, right?

So just for some context, they have been married for 15 years. So this is not something that's new. Like I said earlier, like she's been doing this her life and he's been dealing with this for the entire time they were dating. I don't remember how long that is. And then also for their entire marriage. Okay. So they've reached this point where he has started actually physically leaving the house when the conversation starts to go sideways. And then she flips out and blows up his phone and you guys,

This whole thing just breaks my heart because they waited until he was already like on that edge to get help. And the truth is there are ways to interrupt this pattern before it gets to this point. And I'm going to share with you a couple of those ways in just a few minutes. So what you're hearing, what that example was, and his words is really the withdrawal pursuit pattern. He withdraws to protect

to protect himself from feeling overwhelmed. And then she pursues because his distance spikes her anxiety and it makes the relationship feel unstable, which frankly at this point it is unstable. So this withdrawal pursuit pattern is I think pretty dangerous because it does one of two things to couples. And both of these things create disconnection and distance. So.

Kari Hoskins (09:32.672)
It will push you either in the direction of more arguing, where the pursuer pushes harder, the withdraw gets more reactive, and conversations escalate into fights that end up in a lot of disconnection. Someone shuts down, someone storms off, and nothing really quite feels resolved. Or the other direction is there's less communicating. So the withdraw starts avoiding conversations altogether because it feels like a trap.

and the pursuer starts feeling alone and anxious and sometimes they'll even withdraw. And so pretty soon you're not fighting, but you're not talking either. Okay. And both of these things pull you apart from one another. And so I think it's just really important here to highlight that naming what's going on in the relationship is really important because when you can recognize it, name it, you can choose to do something about it. Okay. Or not, but that's a choice too.

Right? So you have choices. All right. So if you are recognizing this, if you recognize that this is showing up in your relationship, what can you do about it? Well, I encourage anyone who struggles, first of all, with anxiety or chronic worry to start using worry windows. Okay. So a worry window is a cognitive behavioral technique where you choose a specific time of day. and I,

I suggest to the people that I work with to do this daily, but you choose a specific time, like 10 to 20 minutes a day, to focus on your worries rather than allowing that like anxious thoughts and those what ifs and all that rumination to dominate your entire day. And so what you do is you postpone thinking about those things. So you train your brain to manage your thoughts rather than be controlled by the rumination. So how do you do this? Well,

You start by getting a journal and I always suggest a pad of sticky notes. That's kind of like my thing, but you can also use like a little phone, like a notes app in your phone. And when you start thinking about something that's creating worry or anxiety or a what if, okay, you jot it down on the sticky note or put it in that notes app, right? And then you just remind yourself, you know, I'm going to put this aside for now because I'm going to go ahead and think about this later. And then during your chosen worry window time,

Kari Hoskins (11:58.06)
You sit down and you think through those thoughts. But here's the key. And this is what people I think miss. During that time, you need to do a couple of things. The first thing you need to do is you need to decide what your goal for that worry window is. Do you want to try to solve this thing you're worried about? Or are you trying to calm yourself down? This is important because these are two very different thought processes, okay?

So if you are trying to solve the problem, then you need to put on your strategic thinking hat, right? You need to start brainstorming. What are some of the ways that I can handle this? Who can I potentially enlist to help me fix this problem? What resources would I need to fix this thing that I'm worried about? And I think just as important is what happens if I can't fix it? Answer that. That is really important because that is probably a

thought that's running in the background that's disrupting how you feel. Now if you're trying to calm yourself down, that's a different thought process. So I suggest writing the worry down in one sentence. I'm worried because I'm afraid my husband is going to leave me or I'm worried because I might lose my job. I'm worried because my daughter isn't doing very well in school. Whatever your worries, you need to write it down.

And what this does is this moves the fear out of your head onto paper where it is much easier to start seeing patterns instead of like getting all consumed and swimming in the patterns. Okay. So then what you want to do is I suggest that you put it like a line down the middle and you create two columns on the left. You want to write all the facts and facts are things that you can prove you guys.

all the facts that you have about the current situation or circumstance, whatever it is. Okay? Then the other side, this is where you write down all of the fears you have about the situation. This is where you write down all of your assumptions, your what-ifs, your worst-case scenarios that you're worried coming to fruition. Okay? And just doing this alone will really reduce the intensity of your anxiety.

Kari Hoskins (14:19.819)
because it gets it out on paper. And the thing about anxiety is that anything that's like left, like open-ended creates more uncertainty. And so this will really kind of help your brain focus more. Okay. And then what I want you to do is I want you to ask yourself, what would I need to feel reassured or better right now? And that's a question that a lot of people struggle with when they have anxiety or worry, at least.

in beginning of this process. So this is definitely something that you need to do often in order to get good at it. Okay. And remember you need to set a clear end time. So worry windows should be like contained, not open ended. I suggest 15 or 20 minutes. Okay. So then after your worry window time is up, like your alarm on your phone went off, I want you to read over what you've written and then you need to decide, and this is super important, decide

What you want to do next, now that the worry window is closed. So is this a topic for you to discuss with your therapist or your coach or your mentor or your best friend? Is this a conversation that you need to have with your partner, but not today or maybe today? Maybe it's simply, God, I've spent a lot of time thinking about this today. I think I'm going to call it and I'll go and revisit this tomorrow, during tomorrow's worry window time.

But closure matters because anxiety feeds off of loose ends. Okay. And so this part is actually pretty important. So the goal of a worry window is not necessarily to shut down your anxious thoughts, because I know that that's super challenging. It's to keep it from like running your whole relationship and it's to keep it from overpowering all of your conversations. Okay. So I call that internal work. And once

Some of that internal work is done, naming the worry, separating the fear from the fact, giving it a container. The next step is being able to have conversations without it turning into another rehashing of the same thing over and over and over again. So if you're the partner of the rehasher, if you're the partner of the worrier, then you really do need to create boundaries for yourself.

Kari Hoskins (16:48.333)
Okay? And this is not only going to help yourself, it's also going to help your relationship. So what I suggest you do is put a container on the conversation. This is kind of similar to the worry window, but for your conversation. Okay? So you want to pick a time limit, 15, 30, maybe 45 minutes, and you want to actually set a timer. So what you want to do is let's say your significant other is like, Hey, I want to talk about this thing again. You're like,

Okay, no problem. I want to talk about this with you too. I have 30 minutes. If we're not done, we can revisit again tomorrow. Okay, so what that one sentence does is it helps you stop feeling trapped because you know there's an endpoint. It also helps them feel supported because you're not just like blowing them off. You're reassuring them that you're going to revisit it and have another conversation if they need to tomorrow.

And I also suggest ending with like a quick recap of the conversation. Okay. I know this probably sounds super cheesy, but it really is helpful for both of you. So that kind of sounds like, okay, so here's what we know. Here's what we're going to do next. And then, you know, if potentially you guys need to revisit it, you decide when you're going to talk about it again tomorrow or maybe next week, whatever, whatever your time period is. Okay. So once you've like put a container on the conversation,

there's something more to do and this is where couples get stuck. So a lot of rehashing happens because the anxious partner isn't necessarily looking like for more information. They're looking for a specific kind of reassurance. And most of the time, half the time I'd say they probably don't even recognize or realize that and they may not know what they need right now to be reassured. But just asking them

Like what kind of reassurance do you need can just be helpful. Okay, so instead of circling the same details again, going over and over and over the same stuff, go straight to whatever it is that they need. Okay, so if you're the non-anxious partner, you can say, hey, I'm with you on this. What can I do or say right now? What can I do or say right now to help you feel better? What kind of reassurance would be helpful for you? Okay.

Kari Hoskins (19:09.813)
Now, if you're the anxious partner listening, this is your part. You need to tell your partner what would actually help you feel more settled. For example, I need to hear that we're okay. Or I need to hear that you're not mad at me. Or I need to hear you're mad at me, but you're going to get over it. I need to hear that we're going to figure out this problem together. I need to hear that you're going to help me if our daughter's not okay. Whatever it happens to be. Okay? So...

Once that reassurance is named and you've done your best, as best you can to meet it, to meet that need, it should hopefully help stop those rehashing of the same conversations. Lastly, you guys, if anxiety feels like it's requiring constant processing in your relationship, your relationship cannot be the only place where it lands.

Being there for your partner and supporting them is not the same thing as being their therapist or their coach or their mentor. So I think it's very fair and to be honest with you, healthy to say, look, I love you. And I want us to get some help with this because it's really impacting our relationship. And if you're the anxious partner, your role is to practice strategies that can help you manage your mind so that you can emotionally regulate yourself.

And if that means getting help, then go get the help. Trust me, you're going to feel better. Okay. All right. So here's what I want you to take from, from this episode today, that reassurance, all of those looping conversations without boundaries is going to burn you out and it's going to have a negative impact on your relationship. But boundaries without reassurance, as in like, Hey, we can talk about this again tomorrow. We'll feel like rejection. So you need to balance that.

When you can learn to say, I'm here and here's the limit, that worry and the looping conversations will eventually start to dissipate. And you can start feeling like a team again, even in stressful seasons of your life or of your relationship. Okay, my friends, if this is showing up in your relationship and you want help breaking the cycle, I invite you to book a free consultation. It's not scary. Most people actually think it's quite helpful, even just

Kari Hoskins (21:32.05)
the 30 minutes that we get to chit chat about your relationship. You can use the link in the show notes to book a consult or you can visit kahoskins.com. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I look forward to talking to you next week.