Episode 38: The One Thing All Divorces Have In Common

In this episode of Lucky in Love, I’m talking about the one thing almost every divorce has in common—and it’s not what most people assume.

Most marriages don’t end because of one dramatic moment. They end because of tiny turning points—small decisions that quietly change the direction of the relationship… and then get repeated until distance feels normal.

I share a personal story from my first marriage—the day things shifted (years before divorce was even on the radar). And then I’ll walk you through the questions I use to help people get real clarity about what’s happening in their relationship right now.

If any of this feels familiar, this episode will land:

• You’re not in constant conflict… but you don’t feel close.
• You feel that quiet loneliness even though you’re “together.”
• The little connection habits faded, and nobody really named it.
• You can’t point to one big event—just a drift you can’t un-feel anymore.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about direction—and catching the turning point sooner.

Free download mentioned in the outro (VFO):
 “Stop the Spiral: 3 Mistakes Couples Make When They’re Mad (and what to do instead)” — a practical guide to help you stop the downward spiral and have a better conversation even when you’re angry.

Website / freebie link:
kahoskins.com

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Website: https://www.karihoskinscoaching.com

Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:01.07)

Hey there everyone, happy Tuesday or whatever day it is that you are watching or listening to this podcast. How are you guys doing? I hope that you are doing very well. Well, I have to tell you guys, I had something completely different planned for today's episode. And then last night, I had one of those nights where I was super restless and I couldn't sleep. I'm sure that you have experienced those kinds of nights as well. It was one of those nights where

Every time I would start to drift off to sleep, I'd suddenly wake back up and all this stuff that I'd been ruminating on just came right back to the forefront of my mind. And it was just going over and over over over again in my mind. honestly probably should have gotten up and changed scenery and not laid in bed thinking, but that's what I did, I laid in bed thinking. And so what I'm gonna be sharing with you today is one of those things that I've been thinking about and was thinking about last night.

This is something that has actually been on my heart for a while. And after last night, I decided that that was my sign. That was a sign that today's the day that I'm going to share what's been on my heart with you. So here it is. I'm going to start with a very personal memory, actually. It is a day that is like seared into my memory. It...

was the day that my first marriage of 17 years started down the trajectory of divorce, though I did not realize it at the time. My then husband and I were sitting in this little neighborhood bakery on a Sunday afternoon. It was a beautiful day. having lunch and our daughters were with their grandma on purpose because I wanted to talk. Like I wanted to talk.

I had been feeling very alone in our marriage and we had had conversations about it before, but I didn't really feel like anything had changed. And so on that day, I did not come out swinging. I did not have this whole laundry list of complaints or things that I wanted to change. I wasn't trying to pick a fight. I literally had one, what I thought was a pretty simple request. I wanted him

Kari Hoskins (02:25.72)

to start opening up to me about what was happening in his life. Specifically, what was going on in his work life. Because to my way of thinking, that is where he spent a lot of his time. I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to know what he thought about it. I wanted to know how he felt about it. I wanted to know what it was doing on the inside of him because I could see what it was doing to the outside of him.

but he had his own request. He asked me very calmly and sincerely to please, please not ask him about work. He said he was stressed out. He was under a lot of pressure. And when he got home, the last thing that he wanted to do was talk about it. So in that moment, I agreed. I agreed not because it felt good to me, because it didn't.

I agreed not because it worked for me, but because it didn't. I agreed because I thought that I was doing the right thing. I genuinely believed that being a good wife, in air quotes, meant not adding to his pressure and his stress. So I swallowed my loneliness, and I told myself that this is what supportive partners do. But little did I know that that was the moment. That was the decision.

That was the turning point that changed everything. Because every week after that, that went by, we became just a little bit more disconnected, just a little bit more separate. And at that point, I didn't tell anybody. I didn't ask for help. I didn't talk to a therapist. I didn't talk to my family or my friends about it. I felt lonely, and I felt ashamed. You guys, I literally...

have a master's degree in communication and interpersonal relationships. My entire career has been built on helping people create healthy, happy relationships. And here I was in this marriage with a spouse who couldn't open up and couldn't let me into his life. We divorced three years later. And over time, through my own experience and through

Kari Hoskins (04:50.133)

Working with couples and through talking with friends, I noticed something that shows up in almost every single divorce story that I hear. There is one thing that they all have in common. It's not one explosive fight. It's not one dramatic betrayal. It's not even usually like that one deal breaker moment, like those are the things that come later. It's one tiny, small decision

that shifts the direction of your relationship for the worse. A small decision that gets repeated and repeated and repeated until distance becomes normal. And the scary part is that most people don't even realize that it's happening until it's over. They recognize it later. They recognize it in hindsight. It's like an

that's what happened kind of epiphany. And by the way, you guys, I did not have that epiphany for a long time. So I was talking to this or talking about this, should say, just recently with one of my girlfriends. Like I said, this has been on my heart for a while. And she told me that her moment was the day that her husband stopped kissing her goodbye when he left the house. And it wasn't just that he stopped. That was his decision.

It was the decision that she made next. Not to follow him out the door, not to say, hey, what happened to that kiss? Where's my kiss? Not to pull him back into the house and make it a thing. Just letting it go. And then letting it go again and again and again until like not kissing goodbye became the new normal. And

You guys, are so many real-life stories and decisions that I can share with you. The decision to start sleeping on the couch, the decision to stop saying I love you, the decision to stop having sex, the decision to stop holding hands, the decision to stop trying to reframe the irritation and annoyance that you have towards your partner. And here's the thing: in almost every single one of these stories, there's a second decision.

Kari Hoskins (07:15.607)

That's happening right alongside of it. The decision of the other partner, the other partner decides not to bring it up, not to question it, not to push back, not to ask for change, not to address the drift. Sometimes it's because they don't want conflict. Sometimes it's because they don't want to seem needy. Sometimes it's because they're exhausted.

And sometimes it's because they're hoping that it's just going to fix itself. And frankly, that's kind of what I thought. I thought that it was going to blow over and it was going to fix itself. So this is really the message that I think has been on my heart, that divorce does not usually from like one big event. It happens through a series of turning points, and it often starts

with one small decision that creates distance, followed by another decision that accommodates that distance. And then it repeats daily until the relationship becomes two separate people coexisting instead of connecting. So here's what I want you to think about. If you're unhappy in your marriage right now, what

small decisions are you making that are quietly moving you further apart? If you're separated or divorced, what was that first small decision that looking back started you down that path? This is important because it's going to help you not repeat that pattern in the future, in future relationships. And if you're happily married, what small decisions are you making every day

that keep you connected even when life is stressful and messy and you don't feel like it. Because those are the decisions that shape a marriage. Not the grand gestures, not the big anniversary trips or gifts. It's the small daily moments where you either turn towards each other or you turn away from each other.

Kari Hoskins (09:32.737)

And most people unfortunately just don't realize which one they're doing until it's too late. So please, before you move on with your day, don't just like sit here nodding along. Answer one of those questions, like genuinely reflect on it and answer it. And I really, really want you guys to hear this. Your marriage does not turn in to what you intend. It turns into what you repeat.

I'm going to say that again. Your marriage doesn't turn into what you intend. It turns into what you repeat. So whether you're fighting for it, questioning it, or trying to protect what's already good, like really, really good, pay attention to those small decisions because they're not small. They're the direction that you're headed. So my friends, if this hit a tender spot for you, if this brought up

questions about your relationship, ask me. I'm here for them. I will answer you. Find me on Facebook or Instagram. I'm at Kari Hoskins Coaching. That's K-A-R-I-H-O-S-K-I-N-S Coaching. Or you can drop your question in the comments if you're watching this on YouTube or TikTok. And I promise I will answer your questions.

Alright, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I'll talk to you next week.